Bear Jokes

Bear Jokes


If There Were No Such Thing As Bears,  What Kind Of Hugs Would We Give?



Life Without Bears Would Be Unbearable.



Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well... You might call it hibernating,
I call it 'goofing off'."



What do you call a bear with no ears?
B!



Why don't polar bears go on vacation in the south?
Because they don't like rednecks making fun of them when they 
can't find the zipper.



Why does a man being chased by a polar bear drop his pants? 
A man runs faster on fresh snow than a polar bear on shit.



Why do people in the Arctic always walk around in two's?
If a polar bear shows up, they can trip the other guy.



How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice and set an open can of peas next to the hole. 
When he comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.



Polar bears are quite intelligent, scientists actually, you see they 
had ICBM's before the Americans did. (icy bm's)


  
What do you call an exhausted bear?
Winnie the Pooped!



What do you get when you cross a grizzly bear with a polar bear?
Two happy bears.



Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.



 A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin and . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . tonic please?"
  The barman serves him and asks, "Why the large pause?"
  The Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them!"


 
  It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees
are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles
under his eyes.
  His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you 
were supposed to?"
  He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!" 



    In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly 
confronted by a huge, mean bear.  In his fear, all attempts to 
shoot the bear were unsuccessful.  Finally, he turned and ran as 
fast as he could.
  The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge 
of a very steep cliff.  His hopes were dim.
  Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing 
in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms,
and exclaimed, "Dear God!  Please give this bear some RELIGION!"
  The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few 
feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced
around, somewhat confused.
  Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, 
God, for the food I'm about to receive...."



  In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, 
the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources is advising hikers, 
hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions to keep alert of 
bears while in the field.
  We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their 
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. 
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case 
of an encounter with a bear.
  It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear 
activity.  Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between 
black bear droppings and grizzly droppings.  Black bear droppings
are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur.
  Grizzly bear droppings are larger, have little bells in it, 
and smell like pepper.



  One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water 
hole.  This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal
in all his life.  By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to 
have for dinner.  The frog called for the two to stop.
  The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will
grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
  The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
  For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on.  The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his 
wish like that.
  It was the bear's second turn for a wish.  "Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well."
  Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned
the engine.  The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these
stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the
motorcycle.
  For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
  The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear
was gay..."



  It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just 
waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at 
the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
  "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
  Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks 
into his big bowl. It is also empty! 
  "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
  Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen 
and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through 
this? - I haven't made the damn porridge yet!!"



How to tell the species of bear you are looking at...
Go over to him, and kick him in the behind.  Run up a nearby tree.
If he climbs the tree and eats you, he's a black bear.  
If he knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a grizzly.



  A Koala Bear enters a very fine New York City restaurant.  
After consuming an excellent meal, the bear calls the waiter 
to the table, pulls out a gun,  shoots him between the eyes 
and leaves the establishment.
  The police are called to investigate.  One of the cops 
interviews the restaurant manager and remarks that this is 
a very strange case.  
  The manager says, "Well actually, it's quite common in some 
parts of the world".  He then flips open a dictionary and points 
to an entry:
  KOALA (noun) Small lovable marsuptial, native to Australia.  
Eats shoots and leaves.



  A rabbit and a bear happened both to be out in the woods side 
by side, both squatting, to take a crap.
  The bear looked down at the rabbit, and  said, "I'd like to 
ask you a question.  Does the shit stick to your fur?"
  The rabbit responded, "Oh, no."
  At that point the bear said, "Good", then picked up the rabbit 
and wiped his ass with him.



 A baby polar bear goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, am 
I a polar bear?" 
 His mother says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar 
bear and your father's a polar bear."
 The cub says, "But am I one-hundred per cent pure polar bear?"
 She says, "Go ask your old man."
 The baby polar bear goes up to his father and says, "Pop, am 
I a polar bear? I mean, one-hundred percent pure polar bear?"
 His father says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar 
bear, your mother's a polar bear, both my parents were polar 
bears, both of your mother's parents were polar bears, all of 
our grandparents, both sides, were polar bears...yes, you're 
one-hundred percent pure polar bear.  Why do you ask?"
 The cub says, "Because I'm fucking freezing."



  Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with 
only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so 
he put him in the barn and said, "You stay here until you learn how 
to behave yourself".
  Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). 
About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and 
asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't 
have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told 
the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was 
in the barn.
  The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went 
to the barn.
  Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the 
Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. The 
salesmen also left for barn.
  One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the 
Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling 
salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to 
mention the bear).
  The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.
  Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the 
door. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her 
clothes torn and rumpled. 
  The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.
  The woman replied I give up on human nature, the first guy gave 
me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that 
cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.



  There once was a kingdom ruled by a giant bear named Shardik. The 
only way to become a knight in Shardik's empire was to apply for a 
personal interview with the bear.  This had its drawbacks.  If he 
liked your audition, you were knighted on the spot--but if you failed, 
Lord Shardik was quite likely to club your head off your shoulders 
with one mighty paw.
  Even so, there were many applicants--for the peasantry were poor, 
and if a candidate failed for knighthood, his family received, as a 
booby-prize, a valuable sheepdog from the Royal Kennels.
  This consoled them, for truly it is written, "For the mourning after 
a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you."



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