What did the five-hundred-pound mouse say when it walked 
 into the alley?
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!



  There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.  
They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the 
country.
  The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and 
said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
  The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and 
said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
  The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole 
but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
  The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."



Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a gerbil?
So that it doesn't explode when you sodomize it.



What don't gerbils drive??
Heck, they can't even get out of Gere!



What did the mother Gerbil tell her offspring?
"Now, I don't want you hanging around any assholes."



Why do mice have little balls?
Because not many of them can dance.



What did one lab rat say to the other?
"I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the
buzzer, he brings me a snack."


  
  A Mother mouse and her baby were walking by a cave when a bat
flew out.
  "Look Ma !" said the youngster. "An Angel."
                                


What ballet do squirrels like?
The Nutcracker.


 
The squirrel's motto:
 "Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!"



Preserve wildlife! Pickle a squirrel!



  A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into 
the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food.
  Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat 
slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. 
The mother mouse puffed up her lungs and went, "Woof! Woof!"
  The cat turned tail and ran.
  With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in
their hole. When they were settled and breathing normally, Mother 
Mouse said to her children, "Now, what's the lesson from that 
experience?"
  "We don't know," the baby mice squeaked.
  "It is this," said Mom Mouse. "It's good to know a second language."



  An elderly couple had a parlour in which they kept a couple of food 
bins. One of those bins contained apples, and the other bin contained 
nuts.  They were having quite a bit of trouble with mice, so one 
evening before going to bed they set a couple of mouse traps, one by 
the bin of apples and one by the bin of nuts.
  During the night they heard a trap snap. The old gentleman got up 
to see which mouse trap had caught a mouse.
  On returning to bed his wife asked, "Well did we catch him by the 
apples?"
  The old gentleman replied, "Nope, try again."



  Two mice met behind a toaster in a Wilmington, Delaware household.
  "It's been a long time," the first said. "How's everything?"
  "Everything's going great!" the second replied. "I have four 
brothers in pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research."



Scientists found out what causes pain in the brain for rats and mice.
They think it may have something to do with the metal bar that hits 
them in the back of the head when they go for the cheese.  



BOSTON -- Speaking of rats, it was discovered recently that rats 
laugh.  "We have discovered that human are not the only species 
that can laugh and that has a sense of humor," explained Sidney 
Ratcliff, General Delivery University scientists.  A grant request 
has been filed with the FDA to determine what the rats are finding 
so funny.



  Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. It's still 
a couple of hours till dark, but one of the bats is hungry, telling 
the other one, "I'm starving. Let's go and find some blood."
  Second bat says, "Too early yet. Sun's still up. We'll go blind."
  "Well, I'm hungry and I ain't waiting. I need some blood. You 
coming or what?" 
  "Nope, too early."
  The first bat takes off, zooms outta the cave. A few minutes 
later he's back, blood smeared all over his face. 
  Second bat says, "Well, I see blood on your face, so I reckon 
you've been eating. Where did you go?"
  "See that tree out there?" asks the first bat,  pointing at a 
tree outside the cave.
  "Yeah. It's pretty bright out, but I can barely make it out."
  "Well, damned if I could!" 



  One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down 
to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what 
he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and 
then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance 
by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying 
to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but
before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
head with the blanket.
  "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you 
about this."
  "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac 
with you!"


 
  Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.
  The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse 
traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on 
me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." 
  And with that he slams another shot.
  The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing.  
I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the 
fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
  The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away.  
  The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third 
mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
  The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."



  A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there 
chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.
  "Get a load of her," says the mouse, "What a babe!"
  "Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.
  So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to 
her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into 
the night.
  Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse 
staggers in. And I do mean "staggers."  The mouse is absolutely 
worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helps his pal 
up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says, "What 
the hell happened to you?  I saw you leave with the giraffe, what 
happened after that?  Was she all right?"
  The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else -- we went 
out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited 
me back to her place to spend the night.  And oh, man! I've never 
had a night like it!"
  "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.
  "Well," says the mouse, "between the kissing her and screwing her, 
I must have run a thousand miles!"



Hamster Power: 42 ways to get electric power from hamsters

1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends 
of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage. 

2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates 
static electricity.

3. Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange 
for two AAA batteries.

4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop 
it onto a trampoline.

5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam 
turbine.

6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal
rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment 
in the form of electric current.

7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine 
to generate electricity.

8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million 
years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.

9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary. 

10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission. 

11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to
hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.

12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. 
Attach generator.

13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back 
small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure 
center. Watch him generate his little heart out!

14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. 
Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect 
methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.

15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to 
run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.

16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run
hydroelectric generator.

17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form 
candles. Heat steam turbine.

18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. 
Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by 
releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time. 

19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. 
Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling. 

20. Have hamster steal one of Kube's magic cards. Leech power 
from resulting nuclear strike.

21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the 
competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert 
to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, 
hotels, etc. 

22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational 
force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples 
to generate energy. 

23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster 
down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant. 

24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. 
Attach dog sled.

25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) 
Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter - a anti-hamster 
if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....

26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil
Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. 
Install tension to electricity converters into theatre. 

27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer. b. Splice appropriate genes 
from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter 
and, well, hamsters. c.  Feed the hamsters. d. Surgically install 
appropriate electrodes. e. Periodically drain off the voltage.  
Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current. P.S. How could I 
have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, 
and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some 
phosphorous and iron and stuff)

28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they 
give you power for free.

29. Crossbreed hamster with a Mothra (a giant rodant in India) and use
resulting giant mutant lightning-breathing hamster as power source.

30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more 
power from the dilithium crystals.

31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, 
they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could 
raise the planets temperature as much as you want.

32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red &
embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.

33. Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough 
mass to begin hamster fusion in the core.  Use solar cells to convert 
radiation to electricity.

34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamster star goes
supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...

35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting
neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity 
waves to rotate hydro-turbine.

36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that 
hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons 
in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", 
you've now got electricity. (I say "five or six hits", because I 
find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, 
e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually a make onomatopoeic piece 
of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely 
no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five hits or so.)

37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of
coiled wires.

38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting 
plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine 
or energy conversion scheme of your choice.

39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert 
it to anti-matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. 
Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above. 

40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the 
radiated energy. 

41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all 
fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, 
charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar 
TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge 
conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this 
to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup 
electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters 
out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) 

42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. 
He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: 
only creates static electricity. A friend of mine has a theory 
about things electronivc: they operate on smoke. It is very 
important for each component to have the correct amount of smoke, 
which is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets
out, the part is no longer functional. This is true: how many 
times have you ever seen an electrical or electronic device work 
right after smoke has been emitted?



  This bloke walks into his local, looking pale and
shaken, and says to the landlord:
"Blimey, I need a drink Frank. Give us a pint will
you?"
"Why, what's the matter?" asks the landlord as he
pulls him a pint.
"I've just been to the doctor and had to have a mole
removed from my penis." he answers.
"Christ, did it hurt?" enquires the landlord.
"Did it ever? - That's the last time I shag a mole!"