Barbie Jokes

Barbie Jokes


Why does Barbie have purple tits???
GI Joe has Kung Fu grip...



  Not long ago the manufacturers of the Barbie doll came out with
a new style of Barbie that was more realistically proportioned.
The doll featured a fuller face, smaller bust, larger waist and 
wider hips.  Today they announced they will also introduce a new 
Ken doll.  The new "Doctor Ken" doll will be in stores next month. 
Face lift, breast enlargement and liposuction equipment accessories 
sold separately.



Possibilities Abound as Barbie Turns 40 
  Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in 
time to greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich years. 
She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at
Toy Fair in 1959.  She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran 
for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, 
folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role
model once again for a newly identified market.
  In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly 
turned out, with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. 
She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will 
Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie 
turning 40?
  Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? 
Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:

Bifocals Barbie.
  Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild 
colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of 
Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie.
  Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while 
tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan 
and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie.
  As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available 
with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Armed Barbie.
  Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. 
Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream 
and loofah sponge optional.

Bunion Barbie.
  Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their 
toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice 
stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 
Colors: pink, rose, blush.

No More Wrinkles Barbie.
  Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin 
Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting 
cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie.
  All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie
dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. 
With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with 
doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Midlife Crisis Barbie.
  It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her 
personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac.
They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley 
to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

Single Mother Barbie.
  There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with 
the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with 
Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her 
old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale 
kit included.

Recovery Barbie.
  Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl.
Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's 
going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book 
and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Sister Mary Barbie:
  This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for 
genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black 
sequinned nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string 
on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.

Rabbi Barbie:
  So, why not?  Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism.  Rabbi 
Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, Teflon, silver 
kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie
Townhouse.

Admin Barbie: 
  Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), 
and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually
runs the group.  Comes with mini laptop.  Pull the string on her back 
and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner
cartridge in the laser printer, co-ordinate a re-org and a move, and 
order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie:
  This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and enthusiastic 
Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched
for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought 
her.  Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes 
indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts 
degree.  Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with 
the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be
collated.

Divorced Barbie.
  Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
  Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and
death threats for her ex's new wife.  Comes with a hatred for all men, 
and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of 
her left hand).

Twelve-Step Barbie: 
  Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an
alcoholic."  Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day 
chip and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie:
  Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly,
sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
  An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs,
fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on her-self in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie:
  Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership,
pamphlet on union-organising and pay scales for women as compared to 
men.  Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased 
separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to 
make ends meet.

Homegirl Barbie:
  Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes
with gold jewellery, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull
cord and says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my 
face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

Transgender Barbie:
  Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie:
  Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine!
After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike 
heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie:
  A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly,
and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also 
beautiful.  Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' 
fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's ice 
cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak 
Don't Eat", and, of course, an appetite.

Mobile Home Park Barbie:
  Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accessories include
two toddlers.  When you pull the string on her back she asks where her 
gov't support check is.  Some Mobile Home Barbies come with surprise 
Ken or G.I. Joe since they often give her surprise visits when they 
come into town.

Post Menopausal Barbie.
  Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts
things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the 
couch watching the tube, clicking the channels. Comes with Depends 
and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting 
In Touch with Your Inner Self".



  A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
"How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
  In a condescending manner she responds, "Which Barbie?  We have 
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, 
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, 
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
  The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others 
are only $19.95?"
  "That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with 
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."


Now Barbie comes with GI Joe...
(She's been faking it with Ken for years.)



  The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.
After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
  If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain
to follow. Some possibilities:
  
Bisexual Barbie:
  Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Our Barbies Ourselves:
  Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with 
spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed 
diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about 
their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way.  Also included 
tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility.  Accessories such 
as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at
various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional,           
underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what
she does with her own Barbie.
   
Melrose Place Barbie:
  Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and 
the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle
of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:
  This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what 
conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their 
nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie:
  She's on the run after 30 years of crime against humanity.

Oprah Barbie:
  Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!  Hold your 
very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina 
Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.
  
My So-Called Barbie:
  She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have 
huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie:
  The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which 
shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too 
young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote:
  Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives 
in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

BIKER BITCH BARBIE: Comes complete with a tattoo of a snake on one arm,
and one on her butt that says "Kiss This, Ken". Also included are a
leather jacket with "Ken's A Sissy" on the back, leather thong pants, 
and genuine Harley oil for that greasy hair look. Optional accessories: 
a chopped down Barbie Harley Motorcycle, a Barbie Biker Bar, and a 
Barbie Tattoo kit.

HOOKER BARBIE: This Barbie comes with cheap makeup, black hose and
garters, a bikini halter top, and a mini skirt with the butt end cut 
out of it for that bare-butt look to entice customers. No Barbie 
Underwear is included.  Optional accessories: The Barbie Seedy Motel
(with hourly rates) to do business in, and a special edition Hugh 
Grant doll in a Barbie Car as a replacement for that too-straight 
Ken. Pull her string and she says "Wanna screw, Hugh?", "Kens ain't 
men" and "Fifty bucks?! Get real! This is Barbie your talking to 
here, dude!"

WINO BARBIE: She comes with greasy, ratty hair, and spray-on body odor.
Bottles of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, Ripple, and Mad Dog 20/20 in
paper sacks are included. Options include the popular Barbie's Dew Drop
Inn Bar and a Barbie House with an alley on the back for her to pass out
in. Pull her string and she pukes.

TRAILER TRASH BARBIE: This Barbie comes with a low cut top with a pack of
cigarettes in her bra and short shorts so she can bend over to "tend her
flowers" in front of the male neighbors. Accessories include the Barbie
Starlight Trailer (comes in both pink and avocado) complete with torn
carpet inside, rust stains running down the sides, two broken windows
covered with plastic, a storage shed with a door broken off, pink
flamingos for the yard, and a flower bed in the hitch. You can also get a
1968 Pontiac Bonneville Barbie Car with no hubcaps, bald tires, and a bad
starter. Options: A pregnant Barbie that knows a Ken knocked her up, but
isn't sure which Ken did it; and a Deadbeat Dad Ken.

REDNECK BARBIE: A 250 lb. Barbie with to-scale measurements of 30-42-58.
Comes with a long neck beer in one hand, a cigarette in her mouth and a
pack in her rear pocket, both underarm and leg hair, tank top shirt, torn
sneakers with no laces, and white socks. Ken has a beer belly, a hunting
rifle, Red Man Chew 'baccy, and camouflage underwear. Accessories: the
Barbie Starlight Trailer with a Barbie Car up on blocks, two engines
lying in the yard, a tree with a chain hoist in it, and a transmission 
on the kitchen table. Also available: The Barbie Belch and Fart Bar. 
The Barbie Redneck White Ford Pickup with blue doors, green fenders, red
hood, a primered bed, and a tailgate that says CHEVROLET and is held shut
with baling wire. Pull her string and she belches. Pull her string again
and she says "Darn it Ken! The dog's peeing on the sofa again. Make him
go over there by the TV like he's supposed to!" Squeeze her head and she
farts.

SWINGING BARBIES AND KENS: Two Barbies and Two Kens are featured in this
special package offer! One Barbie and one Ken can swing with each other
in separate pairs or all four can have an orgy together. Simply mix and
match. Accessories: Stick-on anatomically correct parts. Clothes not
available. Pull her string and she says "Oh Ken! Do it again!"

GAY KEN AND BARBIE: Same as the SWINGING set but Ken swings with Ken and
Barbie swings with Barbie. Pull Ken's string and he says "Oh Ken! Do it
again!"

BALLOONING BARBIE: Her chest size can be increased to any level desired
up to 53DDD (to scale). Simply squeeze her head to pump the air and
inflate her bust. To deflate simply stick your finger up her butt and
press the release valve. Pull her string and she says "My head never runs
out of air."

DRAG QUEEN BARBIE: This isn't really a Barbie doll. It's just Ken dressed
up with Barbie's wig and some of Barbie's clothes. Pull his string and he
says "Hey, Barbie and I wear the same size!", "I love Barbie's lace
underwear", "I love to play Barbie", and "Marv Albert's my hero."

MILITIA BARBIE: Comes with automatic rifle, camouflage clothing, grenade
launcher, ammo belts, Swiss army knife and the Barbie Field Makeup Kit.
Accessories: The Barbie Armored Personnel Carrier and the Barbie Field
Commander Headquarters and the Barbie Bazooka. Pull her string and she
says "Oh my! I broke a nail pulling the pin on that grenade," and "Oh no!
I broke another nail on that machine gun", and "I smeared my makeup on
the obstacle course". No matching Ken with this Barbie because she blew
his butt away for stealing her clothes and dressing in drag.

THE phenolBARBIEtol: This is the drug dealing Barbie. She comes with the
Barbie 7mm AutoMag and cleavage holster (or optional cleavage grenade
holders if you would rather have some pineapples between the pumpkins),
two suitcases for carrying money and drugs, and two Uzi-toting Ken
bodyguards in case a drug deal goes bad. Accessories: Coffins for the
competition, 15-round double clips for the Barbie AutoMag, the Barbie
Crack House, and a Barbie Car with bullet-proof glass and Uzis under the
seat.

LORENA BOBBIT BARBIE: This Barbie comes with the Barbie Bloody Bedsheets
and the Barbie Ginsu Knife for neutering Ken. Accessories: The Barbie Car
for driving around and tossing the Ken Parts (included) out the window.
Pull her string and she says "Now that you gotta sit to pee, maybe you'll
learn to leave the seat down!!" and "I just threw Ken's best friend out
the window!" Pull Ken's string and he says "Now I can sing soprano in the
choir."





BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA 

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245 

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa: 

  Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out 
every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, 
wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning 
in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to 
break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! 
  There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, 
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you 
won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish 
list for 1997, Santa: 

  1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized 
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller 
are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it 
feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? 

  2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably 
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD 
imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 

  3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo 
over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with 
that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at 
least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 

  4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 

  5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have 
to twist, just get it done. 

  6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery. 

  7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut 
it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations 
senior account exec! 

  8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a 
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and 
a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint 
gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and 
handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol 
patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 

  9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 

  10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it. 

  Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, 
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you 
can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. 

Yours truly, 
Barbie 




KEN'S Letter To Santa: 

Dear Santa,
  I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned 
you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for 
anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my 
understanding that disparaging remarks were made about 
me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. 
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of 
some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own 
needs and desires. 
  First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel 
Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch 
has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, 
DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in 
some cases the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally 
have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at 
great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with 
an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. 
  I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you ever 
considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of 
Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues 
which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern 
Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would 
more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new 
markets. 
  And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push 
me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to 
the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in 
other situations - we've talked about this issue before. 
In closing, I would like to point out that any further 
concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in 
action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget 
about having GI Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he 
said last night! 

Sincerely,
Ken 



  GRADUATE SCHOOL BARBIE (TM)

  Graduate School Barbie comes in two styles!
  Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm).

  Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun-filled features
  guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:

* Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face
  that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting
  (whichever comes first).

* Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes!

* Two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans with 5-year-old gap T-shirt,
  and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "Go Screw
  Yourself" T-shirt!

* Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and
  hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases as,
  "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow"
  "I'd love to write it all over again"
  "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year
  by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's degree. But
  noooooo, Mom and Dad wanted a masters degree" and
  "I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd
  have an excuse to stop working on this degree that's sucking every
  last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for
  a soul..." (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)

* Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct!  Experience the exciting
  changes that come with pursuing a higher education! Removable panels
  on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries
  to a crispy brown, her heart race at 150 beats per minute, and her
  stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing!

  Deluxe Grad School Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts.
  Just add water and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears!
  Fun for the whole family!

  Other accessories include:

* Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm). Well stocked with microwave
  popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!),and
  small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum (tm).

* Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet ',".  Comes in Fabulous Pink
  and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac,
  and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine
  Cabinet not available without a prescription).

* Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature
  obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen
  miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation (Mountain
  Dew deposit not included in price, tech support sold separately.
  Miniature cigarette butts and Oreo packages also available)

  And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and
  you'll get two of Barbie's great friends!

  GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest
  for increased  education and decreased self esteem.

  Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pens and a
  permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver
  such wisdom as:

  "I need an update on your progress"
  "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate this spring" and
  "This is no where near ready for publication."

  REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can
  always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job
  after getting her bachelor's degree. Press the button to hear Real
  Job Skipper say:  "Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree"
  and "Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!"
  Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe, Savings Account, and New Car sold
  separately. (WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job
  Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several
  mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to
  find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.)




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