John and Lorena Bobbit Jokes

John and Lorena Bobbit Jokes


General Bobbitt Jokes
Bobbitt Songs
Bobbitt Limericks and Poetry
Bobbitt Prayers




General Bobbitt Jokes

  I heard that John Bobbitt is marrying a woman who suffers 
from bulemia. It's a perfect match. She can't keep anything 
down, and he can't get anything up.


  John Wayne Bobbitt has a new career...Stand Up Comedy...I have to 
admit that it's an ironic choice of career considering all the jokes
about his...ahem past. 
  Well, that and for a while there I thought I'd never hear the name
John Wayne Bobbitt and the words 'Stand Up'...used in the same sentence.


What's the difference between Bob Barker and Lorena Bobbitt?
Bob Barker is a slick pricer.


What were John Bobbitts first words to his wife after she sliced him 
and he had it surgically reattached?
Lorenna...that's not what I meant when I asked for a trial seperation!


Did you hear the doctor who re-attached him was trying to patent 
the operation?
He wanted to call it an Addadictomy!


He tried to sue Lorena but failed 
- the evidence would not stand up in court!


You hear about the new computer virus going around?
It's called the Wayne Bobbit virus.  It cuts off your 
hard drive and leaves you with a 3 inch floppy.


What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Silly Bobbitt, Dicks are for kids."


Why was John Bobbitt stopped in a parking lot by the 
Manassas police?
He accidentally ran over himself.


Why did John Bobbitt beat up his new girlfriend?
He felt he had nothing to lose.


Why's Bobbitt being counseled by Pee Wee Herman?
So he can find out how to hold on to his penis.


Why does Bobbitt abuse his women?
It's the only meat he can beat these days.


What will happen if Bobbitt beats up another woman?
Heads will roll.


Why did they ask Bobbitt to speak at Nixon's funeral?
He knew how to cry over a fallen Dick.


Did you know Bobbitt's dating Rene Richards?
They met at a swap meat.


How's Bobbitt like Pat Nixon?
When the time comes he'll be buried next to his dick.


Why's Bobbitt's penis like on old bottle of toothpaste?
His girlfriend has to squeeze really hard to get 
anything out of it.


What's Bobbitt's idea of foreplay?
Having the stitches removed.


What will they call the movie about John and 
Lorena Bobbitt?
A Night to Dismember.


What do Kurt Cobain, Hand Gathers and Bobbitt's 
penis have in common?
They all took one shot before they died.


What do John Bobbitt and the Nixons have in common?
Both have dead Dicks.


Why is Lorena Bobbitt so unpopular?
She gives the worst hand jobs.


How do we know Bobbitt wasn't tried by a jury of his peers?
It was a hung jury.


Why doesn't Bobbitt get laid anymore?
He lost his nerve.


What's Lorena's favorite snack?
A meatless Frank.


What's Lorena's latest fashion statement?
Wearing the dickie she got from her husband.


How has Bobbitt mellowed?
He's not the crank he used to be.


What's Bobbitt's new pickup line?
"It's less filling, but tastes great!"


How do his pickup lines work?
He's been shooting a lot of blanks lately.


What will they call the movie about Bobbitt's penis?
"The Return of the Dead."


Hear about the new John Bobbitt brand of coffee?
It's served cold with no cream.


How does Lorena confuse a penis with a salmon?
She thinks it's supposed to die after it swims upstream.


How does Lorena feel after sex?
She gets a little snippy.


Why does Lorena get up so early?
So she can catch the worm.


Why does Bobbitt need a new style of pants?
He always has a zipper on his penis.


Why's Bobbitt so popular now?
He's had a vasectomy.


What do you call Bobbitt's orgasms?
The Dead Sea.


What's the difference between Bobbitt's penis 
and a parachute?
A parachute works after it's dropped.


How was Bobbitt's last sexual encounter?
Everything came off all right.


What upsets Bobbitt more than a dead Nixon?
A dead Johnson.


Why shouldn't you invite Lorena to a barbecue?
You don't want her bringing the wienies.


Why are Bobbitt's prostitutes so miserable?
They're stuck with a dead end job.


What song does Bobbitt like to put on when he gets laid?
"Comfortably Numb."


How does Bobbitt feel after sex?
He needs a break.


Why did the police arrest Bobbitt?
For leaking in the parking lot.


What does Bobbitt call intercourse?
A semi-boneless pork.


What do Bobbitt and Nixon have in common?
Both are dead fucks.


Why's Lorena Bobbitt taking up wrestling?
So she can perfect her scissors hold.


Why can't Bobbitt get any more dates?
He looks bad in cutoffs.


What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Excuse me, are you going to eat that?"


Why would Lorena make a good outfielder?
She can toss a good peg.


Where will they hold the John Bobbitt Olympics?
In Little Hammer.


What did Bobbitt say to Lorena when he woke up?
"Did you cut one?"


Why did John go back to Lorena?
She had a strange hold on him.


What did Bobbitt get in his divorce settlement?
He got half his penis back.


What are the worst words Lorena's next boyfriend could hear?
"But I haven't had my orgasm yet!"


What will Bobbitt learn before his next marriage?
To sleep on his stomach.


What did Bobbitt's last girlfriend say when she couldn't 
get him aroused?
"I ain't licked yet!"


What's the least popular nighttime activity in Manassas?
Getting ripped with John Bobbitt.


What's the next least popular activity?
Asking to see Lorena's snatch.


What's the biggest collector's item in Manassas?
A milk carton with a picture of Bobbitt's penis on it.


Why does Bobbitt have skidmarks in his underwear?
They found his penis in a parking lot.


What's the difference between Bobbitt's penis and a chili dog?
A chili dog squirts when it's squeezed.


Why did Lorena leave John?
She had a bone to pick with him.


When will Bobbitt have his next orgasm?
When he pulls himself together.


Will Lorena ever get laid again?
She'll take another stab at it.


How did Lorena get acquitted?
She has a lot of pull in Manassas.


What do John Bobbitt and Liz Taylor have in common?
Both have a dead dick.


What do Bobbitt and Pee Wee Herman have in common?
Both had their dicks exposed in public.


What did John Wayne Bobbitt say when he woke up?
"I'm not even Jewish!"


Why is Lorena dating a golf pro now?
So she can work on her slice.


Who will Bobbitt make a large donation to this year?
The Manassas dog catcher.


What does Bobbitt call a Ken doll?
Anatomically correct.


What do Bobbitt and cattle thieves have in common?
Neither are hung anymore.


What do Bobbitt and McDonald's have In common?
Neither can serve up any good meat.


What did Lorena serve Bobbitt over the holidays?
Sliced bananas.


Did Bobbitt hurt much?
He didn't even feel a prick.


Who found Bobbit's penis?
Dick Tracy.


Why won't Bobbitt tell jokes about his penis?
It's a little off color.


Why does Bobbitt need to shave?
He's got a little stubble.


What happened after Lorena left her husband?
She went driving around with some dickhead.


What happened to Bobbitt's sex life?
It went out the window.


Why did Jeffrey Dahmer call the Bobbits?
He heard they ran a carryout.


What do Bobbitt and George Wallace have in common?
Neither can piss standing up.


How does Bobbitt spend his time now?
He stays glued to the tube.


Why is American Express hiring Bobbitt as a spokesman?
Their slogan is, "Don't leave home without it."


Who's hiring Lenora as a spokesperson?
Slice.


What did Bobbitt say to Lenora's lawyer?
"You want a piece of me too?"


What did Lenora do on Thanksgiving?
She carved the turkey.


What do Bobbitt and kosher franks have in common?
Neither have any pork.


What does Bobbitt think about losing his penis?
He doesn't give a fuck.


Why does Bobbitt need a new personal computer?
Lorena took his Wang.


What did Lenora give Bobbitt for Christmas?
A sawed off shotgun.


What will Lenora do when she's angry?
She'll carve you a new asshole.


What move did Bobbitt learn from Michael Jackson?
Holding his crotch.


What's Bobbitt's least favorite sex act?
Getting whacked off by his wife.


What's Lorena Bobbit's favorite sex act?
Playing hide the salami.


How did Bobbitt get in trouble?
He couldn't keep his dick in his pants.


What do Bobbitt and the Lakers have in common?
Both have a Johnson they can't use.


What does Bobbitt have in common with the Washington Redskins?
Neither are going all the way this year.


How did they track down Bobbit's penis?
With a cocker spaniel.


Did you know they put up a statue of Bobbitt in Manassas?
It's called the Penis de Milo.


How did the Bobbitt's marriage end?
Lenora made a clean break of things.


Why did Bobbitt throw away his condoms?
They're not enough protection.


Why won't Lenora get a divorce settlement?
She already took her cut.


What happened after she took her cut?
She didn't leave him dick.


When will the Bobbitts get back together?
After they patch things up.


What did Lenora do out of sympathy for Bobbitt?
She left him her tampons.


What movies will they make about Bobbitt?
Frankenweenie & Sleeping with the Enemy.


What do Bobbitt and Gloria Steinem have in common?
Both need a good dick.


What happened the last time Bobbitt tried to make love?
He was stumped.


What happened after he allegedly raped his wife?
He was picked up by the police.


Why is Bobbitt taking up baseball?
He'd make an ideal cutoff man.


What kind of prosthetic device will they fit Bobbitt with?
A woodpecker.


What does Bobbitt call his penis?
An air gun.


What did Bobbitt say when he woke up?
"This isn't what I meant by a separation!"


What's the difference between John Wayne Bobbitt and Jerry Jones?
Jones cut off his own Johnson.


Little known Bobbitt fact:  When Lorena threw it out of the car 
window, it hit the windshield of an oncoming motorist.  
Overheard in the oncoming car
  "What was that?"
  "I don't know.  Probably a bug."
  "Well it had one hell of a penis."


There's a new John Wayne Bobbitt doll 
- some assembly is required.


Lorena Bobbit was in a traffic accident recently.  
Some dick cut her off.


I heard Lorena Bobbitt tried again to slice off her 
husband's schlanker but had bad aim and stabbed his 
thigh instead.  She was caught and was subsequently
charged with a misderweiner


Why will the case be thrown out?
The evidence will never stand up in court!


What was Loreena Bobbitt's statement to the police when she was arrested?
I can't explain it, in one second we both lost our heads!


What is John Wayne Bobbitt most thankful about?
That his last name is Bobbitt and not Grindit or Shredit!


Why did Loreena Bobbitt really do it.
She said she preferred a circumcised penis.


Where will Lorena go if convicted?
A Penal Institution!


Lorena Bobbitt remarried a Russian guy!
  Her new name is Lorena Cuturcockov.


Mr Bobbitt's new sponsor is   --  SNAP-ON TOOLS!
Mrs. Bobbitt's new sponsor is   --  GINSU!


Did you hear about the new Bobbitt-Harding mixed drink?
    Club Soda with a Slice!


Did you hear about the Bobbitt snow up north?
    4 inches on the ground. 


What do you get when you call 1-800-Bobbit?
 Cut Off


 Lorena Bobbitt is often credited with inventing the
removable hard drive.  A lot of guys' hard drives went
internal when they first heard about it, though.


What is Lorenna Bobbit's name translated into Russian?
Lorenna Chopachunkov!


According to last night's evening news, the infamous John
Bobbitt has just been ordained a minister (it's true --
check on it); furthermore, almost immediately after the
ordination, he performed his first wedding ceremony.
Everything proceeded very smoothly throughout the first part
of the ceremony.  The flower girl didn't slip in the aisle,
the bride didn't trip over her train, and the best man even
remembered the ring and produced it when asked.  The couple
said their vows and were ready for the kiss when minister
Bobbitt turned the couple toward their assembled 
friends and family and proclaimed to all:  "What God hath
groined together, let no woman cut asunder."
It was chaos after that.  The bride went white in the face
and the groom fainted on the spot.


  I hear John Wayne Bobbit just became a minister.  
The problem is that he says he feels uncomfortable 
in a church that still has an organ.


  Apparently he's also done some porno films.
He did one or two, but unfortunately, he wasn't an 
*outstanding* actor. You'd think he'd be a cut below
the rest.  He supposedly wasn't a bad actor, but most 
of his stuff was left on the cutting room floor.
He just wasn't cut out for the part. They had the film 
listed as a short subject.  Picture with me, if you will, 
the look on the film Bobbitt's face each time the editor
yelled 'Cut!'   His stage name is Les Johnson.



Bobbitt Songs


(Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")

Here's a little story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine (with a little fraction gone)
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife
She lopped of his schlong with the swipe of a knife
(Penis, that is)
(Redoood, filet-tood)

Well, the next thing you know, there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
And she tossed him out the window as she rounded out a bend
(Curve, that is)
(Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's Henry that was wavin' in the air
(Round, that is)
(By a fence, evidence)

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick Doc said, "Hey! I can fix your dong"
"A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need"
Then the world held its breath 'til they heard that John peed
(Whizzed, that is)
(Stitched seam, straight stream)

Well, he healed and hardened and took his wife to court
With a cock-eyed lawyer (Since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape
(Video, that is)
(Unexposed, case closed)



The Saga of John Wayne Bobbitt
------------------------------
(sung to the tune 'In the Jungle')

A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack

A weenie-whack-a-weenie-whack-a-wheenie-whack,
a weenie-whack-a-weenie-whack-a-wheenie-whack,
a weenie-whack-a-weenie-whack-a-wheenie-whack,

In the village, the quiet village, John Bobbit sleeps tonight,
In the village, the quiet village, Lorrena creeps tonight.
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack

In the bedroom, the quiet bedroom, John Bobbit sleeps tonight,
In the kitchen, the quiet kitchen, Lorena gets the knife.
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack

In the bedroom, Lorena's bedroom, John pissed off his wife tonight,
In the bedroom, Lorena's bedroom, she chopped with all her might.
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack

On the roadway, the village roadway, Lorena speeds tonight,
On the roadway, the village roadway, she tossed his weenie right.
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack

On the roadway, the village roadway, they searched for half the night,
On the roadway, the village roadway, they found his weinie sliced.
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack

Oh please my doctor, please rush my Doctor and make my weinie right.
Oh please my doctor, please rush my Doctor and sew it back on tight.
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack
A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenie, a weenie whack whack-a-whack

A weenie-whack-a-weenie-whack-a-wheenie-whack,
a weenie-whack-a-weenie-whack-a-wheenie-whack,
a weenie-whack-a-weenie-whack-a-wheenie-whack,



Bobbitt Limericks and Poetry

   
There once was a Bobbitt named John
Who thought he was quite the Don Juan
His wife disagreed
So the next time he wee'd
John couldn't locate his wand.


Lorena wished John could be nicer
But he wasn't much of a de-icer
If she finds a new spouse
Let us hope he's no louse
Or we might have our first serial slicer.


A surgeon was filled with great tension
Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention
He stitched and he sewed
Used all the skills that he knowed
But the wee thing won't stand at attention.


John Bobbitt was never a loner
In fact, he was known as a roamer
His wife seized his prize
And cut him to size
Now he is his own organ donor. 


There once was a crime most venal
One might say 'twas inches from renal
It wasn't for sport
That she made him so short
Her intentions were nothing but penal.


The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly
Though it sounds a little bit silly
He said she's the hacker
Who lopped off his whacker
She said she was trying to Free Willy.


Big John was a lad of great lust
Had a wife who was filled with distrust
One night while he slept
With a knife, in she crept
As a lover Big John's now a bust.
	

Big John Bobbitt might have been hipper
Had he kept his hot hands from his zipper
But to his wifey's dismay
Big John leaped to the fray
The results would have pleased Jack the Ripper.


There once was a man from Manassas
Who was fond of sleeping with lasses
His wife had enough
So she chopped off his stuff
Now let's see him try to make passes.


There once was a lady named Bobbitt
Who got so fed up that she lopped it
She said,  "I'm sorry, honey,
But your conduct's not funny,"
And she very efficiently stopped it.


There once was a place in Virginia
Where a gal snipped it off like a zinnia
She whipped back the sheets
Ignored his sad bleats
And attacked like a professional ninja.


John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff
For it seems the judgment's been soft
He's been retrofitted
And now he's acquitted
That's the last time he ever gets off.


When drinking in full regalia
Sometimes your memory will fail ya'
But John B. woke up thinking
I really must have been drinking
I have misplaced my own genitalia.


Sweet Lorena did not use precision
The darkness, she said, hindered vision
She jumped on the divan
And gave husband John
An un-volunteered circumcision.


Big John B. was a creep, don't ya' know,
Whose wife gave him a horrible blow
Now the people he meets
As he walks down the streets
Say, "John Bobbitt? That old sew-and-sew."


"This case," said the cops, "sure does pickle us
"Searching for this man's thing does not tickle us
"It was somewhere 'round here
"That she threw this man's gear
"But to us the whole thing is ri-dick-ulus."


A much-abused lady named Bobbitt
Said unto her husband, please stop it
Or I'll draw my stiletto
And chop down your palmetto
And see just how far I can lob it.


His technique, oh boy, it was brutal
To retrain him, she knew, would be futile
So she aimed for the tip
But the blade it did slip
And cut off the whole kit and caboodle


Now you know that it had to sting
But no curses did poor Johnny sing
He was quite relaxed
When his manhood was axed
Guess it wasn't that big of a thing


John Bobbitt was a bit too cocky
And his marriage grew ever more rocky
Now it's true, I swear,
That in terms of underwear
He wears stitches, not boxers or jockeys.


A fellow named John went out drinking
When he finally got home he was thinking
He would give his sweet wife
The big thrill of her life
Alas, the means to this end was soon shrinking.


It's not sinful to hit a few bars
And to drink beer 'til the pre-dawn hours
But he lurched to his bed
With sheer lust in his head
Now when he meets a new gal he just cowers.


They're making plans in movie-land
For a film about Lorena's sleight-of-hand
Whether it's funny or sad
One thing makes me glad
I don't have to be Bobbitt's stunt man.


The legend of Bobbitt is growing
It's a story well worth the knowing
He offended his wife
So she took up her knife
And put an end to his coming and going.


This story is just so much flotsam
Appealing to those who are rotten
I know that don't rhyme
But I don't have the time
As a journalist you have hit bottom.


I'll admit that I wasn't too keen
About dwelling on a topic so mean
But do I really havta
Write about NAFTA
When the nation is obsessed by John's wien? 



Oh No Bobbitt

Lorena Bobbitt, outraged wife,
Took the family carving knife,
Gently lifted up the sheet,
And left her husband incomplete.
Lorena's action, less than tender,
Made her famous to her gender,
Far and wide they tell her story,
Which is novel although gory.
As the global press corps gaped,
She testified that she'd been raped.
That's why, declared the saddened maid,
She'd felt compelled to use the blade,
And why she rushed out of the house
With what she'd severed from her spouse.
(Before she drove too very far,
She tossed it blindly from her car.)
In the midst of this ado
Appeared the local rescue crew,
Summoned on that bloody night
To deal with Mr. Bobbitt's plight.
They searched, and by the roadside found
A piece of Bobbitt on the ground.
Then a surgeon, bless his heart,
Reattached the missing part.
I've tried to find, to no avail,
A moral for this modern tale.
(A friend, it's true, did FAX me one.
It goes like this: Don't cut and run.)
This case suggests, though I'd allege,
In marriage, women have the edge.



The Bobbitt Prayer


 Now I lay me down to sleep
 I pray my penis I will keep
 and if I wake and it is gone
 I hope I find it on the lawn

 I hope the dog that is running free
 doesn't see that little part of me
 many precautions I must take
 to keep this part I love to shake

 much attention I must pay
 to assure I put the knives away
 the mower, chain saw, the hatchet too
 there's just no telling what she'd do

 to rid me of my manly charm
 I must keep it safe, away from harm
 So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes
 and cross my legs to avoid surprise.

 And if her lips should stray at night
 I hope and pray she doesn't bite,
 'cuz if she does, 'twill surely follow
 that what she bit, she'll chew and swallow.




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