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Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
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Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
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Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
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(to the tune of "Jingle Bells" starting with "dashing thru the snow...") Nine-tenths of a gig, Biggest ever seen, God, this program's big-- MS Word 15! Comes on ten CDs, And requires--damn! Word is fine, but jeez-- 60 megs of RAM?! Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft, Bloatware all the way! I've sat here installing Word Since breakfast yesterday! Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft, Moderation, please. Guess you hadn't noticed: Four-gig drives don't grow on trees! |
(to the tune of "Silent Night") Silent Mac, broken Mac! System bombed, screen went black. Books suggested things; I tried 'em all: Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall. Now my deadline is tight, This Mac's been silent all night. Violent night, horrible night! Lost my cool, filled with spite, Threw my Mac through the balcony door Watched it fall from the 20th floor, Now I'm sleeping in peace; Thank God I had it on lease. |
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song") Netscape roasting on an open fire, Apple begging on its knees, Photo popping up on Time magazine, Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these! Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied, Throws himself behind each task, World dominion is his company's goal. Well, hey, is that so much to ask? He knows the world is in his sway, We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way, We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV, He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee. And so we're offering this simple prayer, To Bill and all his MS grunts: Since we all follow any standard you write, Make it good, please, Make it good, please, Make it good, please, just once! |
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues. If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues. On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues. |
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
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Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..." Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations... Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here". They said "California is the place ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley... Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park... On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!" OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory... The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!" Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life... Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now... ya hear' |
Long, long, time ago, I can still remember
How UNIX used to make me smile...
And I knew that with a login name
That I could play those unix games
And maybe hack some programs for a while.
But February made me shiver
With every program I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep,
I couldn't take one more spec...
I can't remember getting smashed
When I heard about the system crash
And all the passwords got rehashed
The Day That UNIX Died...
And I was singing:
Bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high,
The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye."
Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
This'll be the day that I die
Did you write the new games shell
And do you have faith in the manual?
If b:dennie tells you so...
Well, do you believe in UNIX C
Can hacking save you memory
And can you tell me why vi's so slow
Well, I know that you're in love with C
'Cause I saw your code on UNIX B
You just kicked off your shoes
Man, you cleaned up every kludge!
I was a lonely young computer geek
With a program due 'most every week
But I guess that I was meant to freak
The Day That UNIX Died
And I was singin:
(chorus)
Well, for ten weeks we've been in this class
The professor really is an ass.
But that's not how it used to be...
When Ira Pohl taught in CIS 12
And user limits could go to hell
And there was still space on UNIX C.
And while the board was looking 'round
The Chancellor brought the budget down
The classes were adjourned
Evaluations weren't returned
And while Huffman read a book by Pohl
The CIS board made some prof's heads roll
And we wrote programs that weren't whole
The Day That UNIX Died
And we were singin'...
(chorus)
Helter skelter in the summer swelter
I went in the lab to find some shelter
Ninety degrees and risin' faaaaaasst!!!
C stayed up for ten whole days
The hackers really were amazed
Wonderin' how long it all would last.
Well, both the forums were really great
Nobody got us all irate
We had a stroke of luck
The system did not duck
'Cause the hackers kept their code real clean
The UNDR-shell was really keen
Do you recall what was the scene
The Day That UNIX Died
And we were singin...
(chorus)
Our programs were all in one place,
UNIX had run out of space
With no time left to start again...
So, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Use every programming trick
'Cause UNIX may soon crash again...
And as I watched the system fill
My login process would be killed.
The system just went down
Consternation up at Crown"!!!
The hours went on into the night
And all that we could do was rite
I saw Dennie laughing with delight
The Day That UNIX Died
And he was singin'...
(chorus)
I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some stat lab news
But she just cursed and said "grow up"
I went down through the stat lab door
Where I'd learned of UNIX years before
But the man there said that UNIX wasn't up
And in the halls the students screamed,
The majors cried and the hackers dreamed,
But not a word was spoken
The Vaxes all were broken
And the three folks I admire most
The Father, Frank, and a. G.'s ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
The Day That UNIX Died
And they were singin...
So bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high.
The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye"
Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
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He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.
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(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland") Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web. Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!" I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web! |
(to the tune of "White Christmas") I'm dreaming of a clean System, Something that fits on one CD. Each component matches, Not bits and patches, Unlike 7-5-point-3. I'm longing for a dream System, Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free. What we want, I think you'll agree, Is called System 6-point-oh-3! |
(to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town") You better watch out, Absurd as it sounds, 'Cause Apple's about To lose a few pounds-- Gil Amelio's coming to town! He's making a list, And trimming the rolls Of projects that missed Their revenue goals-- Gil Amelio's coming to town! He knows what's losing money, Like eWorld, PowerTalk . . . You'd better make your project work Or prepare to take a walk! Though you follow his lead Right out the back door, You know he'll succeed-- He's done it before! Gil Amelio's coming to town! |
(to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen") God rest ye Copland programmers, It's finally Christmas Day. You've all worked 20-hour shifts Beginning back in May. No wonder after such neglect Your spouses moved away. The last real meal you had Was late last year-- That's what we hear; And since then you've lived on Pizza, Coke, and beer. Your bosses change, and change their minds, Is Copland off or on? Are last week's OS plans in place Or now completely gone? God rest ye well this Christmas Day, You'd better sleep in late-- It's the last sleep you'll get till '98. Isn't that great? It's the last day off you'll have till '98! |
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"We'll surely rewrite before then
It all will go away.
It all will go away."
But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
[key change, big finish]
There's not much time, there's too much code.
And COBOL-coders, few
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.
Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date
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by Jude Giampaolo (jude@smellycat.com) (to Pat Benatar's 'Hit Me With Your Best Shot') You're a real lame newbie with no history Of saying things that make any sense to me That's okay, I can't fathom how you do it Send your message, I'll read through it Hit me with your best post Why don't you hit me with your best post Hit me with your best post Type away You come on with it, come on You won't leave your lair? That's okay, just watch us stare Spell check it, it's all in vain I read the CAPS and I am in pain Hit me with your best post Why don't you hit me with your best post Hit me with your best post Type away You're a real lame newbie with a WebTV Wishing for a PC or AOL for free Before I killfile you just in case I close my eyes, don't wanna see your face Hit me with your best post Go on! Hit me with your best post Hit me with your best post Type away Hit me with your best post Why don't you hit me with your best post Hit me with your best post Type away! |
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