Automobile Jokes

Automobile Jokes



What do you call a guy who misses ten car payments?
A pedestrian.



  A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW.  
It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the 
office had one.  She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps 
an MG convertible.
  That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible.  It was wonderfully restored and she fell 
in love with it's gorgeous red paint work.  An empty check stub later
and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her 
beautiful new car.  Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, 
music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
  Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the 
car slowly coasted to a stop.  She got out and lifted the bonnet and 
concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what
was wrong.  Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick 
phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow 
van pull up behind her.
  "That's a lovely car," says the mechanic.  "What seems to be the
matter?"
  Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
  "Let me have look."  He set to work and ten minutes later the engine
was purring like a cat again.
  "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?"
  "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied.
  Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have 
to do that?"



  A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man.  
He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you 
paint?"
  "Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
  "Well, there's a gallon of green paint and a brush out back, and 
a porch that needs repainting.  Be very careful.  When you're done, 
I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
  It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!", 
he reported with a smile.
  "Did you do a good job?" she asked.
  "Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," he
said, "That's not a Porsche back there -- it's a Mercedes!"



  The little old lady was driving her VW beetle when she experienced 
some trouble...it died right there!  Well, she managed to get her 
vehicle out of traffic, got out via driver's door,  proceeded to the 
front of the car, and raised the "hood".  While she stood there looking, 
another elderly lady pulled up...also in a VW Beetle...and offered some 
assistance.
  "What's wrong?" the second lady asked the first.
  "I seem to have lost my engine!" replied the first lady.
  "OH! How lucky!! I just happen to have a spare in my trunk!", exclaimed 
the second lady.



What will they call the benefit concert for General Motors?
Lemon Aid.



What do you call a car that turns left when you steer right, & vice-versa?
A Dislexus.



How is going to a whorehouse like buying a used car?
You're pretty sure you're gonna get screwed.



You know its time to change your car when..... 
 1. You spend more on oil than on petrol
 2. Your car leaves three types of liquid in your parking space
 3. You offer a friend a lift and they say no because they are
    in a hurry
 4. You feel good if you beat a cyclist at the lights
 5. You get invited to join a car restoration club
 6. Your neighbours all chip in to buy you a car cover
 7. Your car leaves more smoke than a David Copperfield show.
 8. Somebody breaks in and fits a radio
 9. Hitch hikers hide when they see you coming
10. And Finally, you know its time to change that car when some 
    old duffer tells you that they are the best car ever made.



What makes a Yugo go faster?
A tow truck.



Why do Yugos have a rear window defroster?
So you can keep your hands warm while you're pushing it.



A man goes into an auto parts store and asks, "Can you give me a 
cigarette lighter for my Yugo?"
"Sure, sounds like a fair trade to me."



What is the difference between a Yugo and AIDS?
You can still palm AIDS off to someone else.



What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire? 
A write-off.



What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A miracle.



What do you call the Yugo owner's manual?
The bus timetable.



How can you double the worth of a Yugo?
By filling its gasoline tank.



What is the smallest part of a Yugo?
The owners brain.



What do you call someone who buys a secondhand Yugo?
A scrap dealer.



What does a Yugo buyer do to look sophisticated?
Wears dark glasses.



How do you tell the Yugo buyer from all the other people with dark glasses?
Their the ones with the white sticks.



Why do they give away free TVs with Yugos?
So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come
and fix it.



What do you call a Yugo with twin exhausts?
A wheelbarrow.



What is the difference between a Yugo and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 360 yards.



From the Letterman Show top ten list "New Ford Slogans "
(Ford had to recall millions of cars because the ignitions 
could spontaneously start afire)

     10. Where's there's smoke, there's a Ford
     9. Have you driven a Ford to the fire station lately
     8. Forget Chevy - we have the real Blazer
     7. Available in regular or extra crispy
     6. Now every Bronco is as exciting as O.J.'s
     5. Ford, the unabomber of the highways
     4. Quality is job 1; putting out the fire is job 2
     3. Like a rock  -- of hot, molten lava
     2. Aren't you tired of cops who stop you for speeding and
     ask " where's the fire ? "
     1. Click..Vroom..kaboom !



  As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, 
winds down the window and says to her, "I'll give you a sweet if you'll 
get in the car with me."
  The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
  The next day the man pulls up again, winds down the window and says, 
"I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me."
  The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
  The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets 
if she will get into the car.
  "No Dad", replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into the Yugo!"



  A man buys a huge new car and shows it to his neighbor. Its great says 
the neighbor but does it have a bed in like mine? But your car is tiny 
says the man. Yes but watch this, the neighbor presses a button on his 
tiny car's dashboard and a bed unfolds. The man rushes back to the car 
showroom and demands a bed be fitted to his new car. The next day the 
man takes his huge car ( now fitted with a bed ) to show his neighbor 
but the neighbor is out. The man drives around looking for the neighbor 
and sees his car parked up in a rest stop with all the windows steamed 
up! The man goes to the car and starts banging ion the window. There 
is no signs of the neighbor and the windows are too steamed up to see 
inside. He bangs again, and again and eventually the neighbor (naked)
wipes a circle into the steamed up window.
  "What the hell do you want?"
  "My car has a bed like yours!"
  "GEEZ! you got me out the shower to tell me that!!!"
 


  I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was
towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
  I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver 
had set the cruise control, then went in the back to make a sandwich.




 Does your car make a statement? Probably so. Here's a list of cars 
and the statements they make on their drivers' behalf.
 
 Acura Integra
 I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
 
 Acura Legendary
 I'm too bland for German cars.
 
 Acura NSX
 I am impotent.
 
 AMC Gremlin
 I could only afford three-fourths of a Hornet.
 
 AMC Marlin
 My father wouldn't buy me a Camaro.
 
 Audi 90
 I enjoy putting out engine fires
 
 Audi 80
 I thought the 4000s was too fast.
 
 Austin-Healey 3000
 I can put raw meat on the transmission hump and have a well
done steak by the time I arrive anywhere.
 
 Buick Park Avenue
 I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
 
 Buick Riviera Convertible
 I'm not very smart, and I look like it too.
 
 Buick Electra
 Hey, it's 30-year old technology. But it's GOOD 30-year old technology.
 
 Buick Reatta
 I like ugly, impractical, boring cars.
 
 Cadillac Cimarron
 I am stupid enough to pay extra money for an uglified Chevrolet.
 
 Cadillac Eldorado
 I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
 
 Cadillac Seville
 I am a pimp.
 
 Chevrolet Camaro
 I enjoy beating up people.
 
 Chevrolet Chevette
 I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
 
 Chevrolet Corvette
 I'm in a mid-life crisis.
 
 Chevrolet El Camino
 I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
 
 Chrysler 5th Ave
 Did the pushpins come free with the headliner?
 
 Chrysler Cordoba
 I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
 
 Datsun 280Z
 I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
 
 Dodge Charger
 Reliable is boring. My car is exciting.
 
 Dodge Dart
 I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
 
 Dodge Daytona
 I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
 
 Ford Fairmont
 (See Dodge Dart)
 
 Ford Mustang
 I slow down to 85 in school zones.
 
 Ford Crown Victoria
 I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up 
behind them.
 
 Geo Storm
 I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
 
 Geo Tracker
 I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
 
 Honda del Sol
 I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible
at all.
 
 Honda Civic
 I have just graduated and have no credit.
 
 Honda Accord
 I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
 
 Infiniti Q45
 I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
 
 Isuzu Impulse
 I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
 
 Jaguar XJ6
 I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days 
per year.
 
 Jeep Wrangler
 I am fiercely independent, just like all my friends with Jeeps.
 
 Kia Sephia
 I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu.
 
 Lotus Esprit
 Ever pay $2000 for a tune up? I do.
 
 Lincoln Town Car
 I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
 
 Mercedes 500SL
 I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
 
 Mazda Miata
 I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
 
 MGB
 I am dating a mechanic.
 
 Mitsubishi Diamante
 I don't know what it means either.
 
 Mitsubishi Eclipse GST
 Why accelerate? Because you can!
 
 Nissan 300ZX
 I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
 
 Oldsmobile Cutlass
 I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
 
 Peugeot 505 Diesel
 I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
 
 Plymouth Fury
 I like driving an air-conditioned sofa that can carry your car in my 
trunk as a spare.
 
 Plymouth Neon
 I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
 
 Pontiac Trans AM
 I have a switchblade in my sock.
 
 Porsche 944
 I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
 
 Renault 2CV
 I think your car is ugly too.
 
 Rolls Royce Silver Shadow
 I think Pat Buchanan is a tad too liberal.
 
 Subaru Legacy
 I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
 
 Triumph TR6
 I am an amateur mechanic who enjoys a challenge.
 
 Toyota Camry
 I am still in the closet.
 
 Volkswagon Beetle
 I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
 
 Volkswagon Cabriolet
 I am out of the closet.
 
 VW Rabbit GTi
 My mom won't let me buy a Porsche 'til I finish Algebra.
 
 VW Jetta
 I stopped smoking pot when I got a real job after college. I swear.
 
 Volkswagon Microbus
 I am tripping right now.
 
 Volvo 740 Wagon
 I am frightened of my wife.
 
 Volvo 240
 Other drivers are unsafe. Let me go ahead and pull out in front of this
guy to slow him down.




AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Fix It Again Tomorrow

FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man's Companion

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late 
Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
Equipment

PONTIAC
Poor Old Nut Thinks It's A Cadillac

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless




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