Something for every Canadian ...
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder.
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar.
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown.
6. A university with a nude beach.
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash.
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
10. Cannabis.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 per cent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get
away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when
you cut someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe
it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will
move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken Celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists
to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war...by a
moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land
mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered
Canada's most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got
the big-ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then
promptly leave
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for
that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them
kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the
solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to
kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day.
In Canada we have two seasons...
six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting
in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one
gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it
with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he
told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great
U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out
of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into
the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he
was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in
Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and
he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off
the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun
back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we
have so many Americans you never have to drink with the
same one twice.
In a cost-saving move, the Canadian parliamentary restaurant
would become the new jewel in the crown of a major fast-food
chain: Sir John A. McDonald's.
There also would be a new name for the popular tourist
ceremony on Parliament Hill: "The Changing of the Right Guard
Antiperspirant."
The Canadian dollar is tumbling on the world markets, and
the experts tell us a cheap Canadian dollar makes us a great
tourist destination for Americans.
Great. We could become the next Mexico.
Soon, we'll have roadside stands selling straw beavers and
necklaces made from toonies.
Just picture ragamuffin Canadian kids chasing the rich
Americanos down the street in the hope of being thrown a
greenback or two: "Hey Meester, My seester, she in French
immersion, if you know what I mean."
Somebody in Canada started a contest to come up with a saying
analogous to "As American as apple pie." The idea was to finish
this sentence:
"As Canadian as..."
The winner:
"As Canadian as possible under the circumstances."
The Canadian government plans to rename a province.
Manitoba is too Gender Specific so it will be renamed
to: Personitoba.
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the
sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady
let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
THE CANADIAN WAY VERSUS THE AMERICAN WAY
USA: People have the right to bear arms
CAN: People have the right to bare breasts
USA: '69 referred to as the "Summer of Love"
CAN: '69 referred to as dizzying heights for the dollar
CAN: Forests endangered by over logging
USA: Forests endangered by celebrities on skis
CAN: Biathlon consists of skiing and shooting
USA: Biathlon consists of snowmobiling and swimming
CAN: The nation's leader exposes himself to controversy while going
abroad after a weather crisis
USA: The nation's leader weathers controversial crisis, exposing
himself while going after a broad
CANADIANS AREN'T LIKE US
They get insurance and stuff.
They use the so-called "Metric" system.
They have money that is issued by the Grateful Dead and
isn't worth anything.
They say things like "Thank You."
They put a "U" in anywhere they can.
They use hockey terms and turn signals while driving.
They usually form lines, which they call "queues."
It's like they have their own country up there or something.
U.S., CANADA TO MERGE
59 Million Layoffs Expected
US and Canadian leaders announced today that their two
countries are merging in order to reduce operating costs
and increase production efficiencies. "We're simply
following the trend created by corporations who find this
a quick way to increase market share and reduce expenses,"
explains the government's new architect, 23-year-old MBA
and investment banker, Billy Smurtz. "We've created the
first multi-national country."
The new country, which will be named Canadusa, is expected
to reduce both governments' operating costs by thirty
percent, with 59 million Canadusians expected to be laid off.
"Yes, there will be some disruptions," explains Smurtz, "but
they're nothing we can't overcome. We've got to crank out
some new flags, constitutions, money, and stuff like that.
But the long-term cost savings far outweigh the disadvantages.
We'll save three billion a year just by closing down all those
border crossings, not to mention shutting down that whole
Washington DC thing. Who can argue with that?"
"There are already so many similarities," he adds. "They've
got baseball, we've got baseball. They've got hockey, we've
got hockey. They drive on the right side of the road, so do
we. If we hadn't told you about it, you wouldn't even know
we did it."
And the plan doesn't stop there. "We'd like to get Mexico
into the operation as soon as possible," he says. "But that
whole language, heritage thing they have down there is
causing problems with the takeover."
Citizens in both countries are divided about the plan. One
Canadian explains: "They've got that great military superpower
thing going for them down there, eh? We've got to love
becoming part of that." One American surfer remarked, "Yeah,
I guess it's okay. But it's cold up there, isn't it? Couldn't
we find a warmer country with better beaches, like Australia?
Now that would be cool."
Some US critics of the plan argue that there are more important
issues at stake than just saving money. Like patriotism. But
Smurtz argues that they're just being sentimental. "You watch.
They'll get over it the first day they see a cut in their taxes.
Besides, they're gonna get their own province."
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said,
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a
land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic
mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling
lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose,
high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,
and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth"
"But Lord" asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous
to these Canadians?"
"Not really" replied God "just wait and see the neighbors I am going
to give them."
You know you're from Canada when...
1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores
at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is
one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled in with snow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie
with only 8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines
on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat
processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears
won't prowl on your deck.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21. You find -40C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewellery and your Sorels.
24. You can play road hockey on skates.
25. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and
Construction.
26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials
28. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
29. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian
friends
We Canadians have been secretly brainwashing Americans for
years. We started by sticking extra vowel sounds in our every
day speach such as adding 'U's in words like labour and colour
and adding an 'Eh' sound to the end of everything we say.
The U.S. retaliated by making everyone south of the Mason-Dixon
line talk like a bunch of hicks so that Canadians could not
understand them when driving thru to Florida vacations each winter.
Thus, the first infiltration was thwarted.
We then started sending down our singers, actors, comedians and
writer's to Hollywood to take over the industry. You control the
media you control their simple american minds. So far they have
been successful...look at how California has been changed.
This had led to further inroads throughout the states using the
National Hockey League's continued expansion of teams as a front.
Where do most of these jobs for secret agents go to...Canadian
hockey players.
Where will the clever Canucks strike next...First the U.S. and
then some day Canada will take over the entire world!
Quebec -- Home of the Neverendum
What part will Lucien Bouchard play in the John Bobbitt Story?
He's the dick that separates.
CANADIAN COMPLAINTS ABOUT AMERICANS
Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Jim Carrey and
Howie Mandel.
We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky there against his will.
Every time we mention the city "Regina", they won't stop giggling.
Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow".
In American encyclopedias, Canada often called "North Dakota's
gay neighbor".
They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by
Gordon Lightfoot.
They've never even heard of our most popular superhero,
Captain Saskatchewan.
Two words: "Weird Al".
Sick of that gap-toothed looser on "The Late Show with Paul Shaffer".
Not enough guys named "Gordie".
Guide to North America as Seen by Americans.
FACT: 80% of Canada's population is located within 100 miles of the
border of the United States.
OPINION: Canada may invade the US at any given moment.
FACT: Some Canadians speak French.
OPINION: Canadians speak French so that Americans can't understand them.
FACT: Canada is the second largest country in the world (After Russia).
OPINION: Canada feels the need to become the largest country in the world.
and in fact was probably behind the recent split up of Russia.
FACT: Canada has maritime boundry disputes with the US.
OPINION: Canada will try anything to increase its size.
FACT: Canada's population growth rate is higher then that of the
United States.
OPINION: Canadians are trying to overpopulate the world.
(Ed.Note...so is Bill Clinton and the NBA)
FACT: Canadians have a longer life expectancy rate then Americans.
OPINION: Canadians may not be human.
(Ed.Note. Canadians have a public health care system and
Americans have the NRA)
FACT: In Ontario (the province that is home to the capital of Canada,
Ottawa) it is now legal for women to go topless in public.
OPINION: Canada is sliding down the slippery slope of immorality and
plans to drag the USA along with it.
FACT: Canada has 6,522,092 males fit for military service.
OPINION: Canadian soldiers are all prepared to give their lives for
the betterment of the country.
FACT: The popular Fox TV show "The X-Files" is filmed in Canada.
OPINION: Canadians are actually alien invaders from another galaxy.
OPINION: Canada owns more of America then Americans do.
OPINION: Canadians may be trying to buy our country out from under us.
CONCLUSION: Canadians hate Americans and have plans to overtake the
US, and they have the power to do so.
What can Americans do to Help?
Don't buy Canadian Goods. Our economy is weak as it is, and if you
give the Canadians your money, our great country will fall! Don't
travel to Canada. Stop importing hockey players and stop eating back
bacon. Tell your congress person that you support stronger borders
to the north! Their economy will crash and burn!
What would you call the premier of Nova Scotia?
The Bossanova.
Well, I figure most folks realize Quebec's problem is all
those French people with no one to surrender to. It drives
the French nuts if they can't act like pompous asses, then
be forced to surrender (or else stand-up and fight for their
lives and liberty - which is unthinkable to a frenchman).
Without the surrendering part their heads just swell and
swell till the pain is unbearable.
The Royal Canadian Mint just announce the design for the new two
dollar coin. It is to have the Queen on the head side and a polar
bear on the back side. This makes Canada the first country in the
Commonwealth to have a coin with:
THE QUEEN ON THE FRONT SIDE WITH A WHITE BEAR BACKSIDE!
In Canada, we could have had:
1) British culture
2) French passion,
and
3) American know-how.
Instead we got:
1) British passion
2) American culture,
and
3) French know-how.
'I dont understand Canada. Half of you speak french, and the
other half let them.'
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer
under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get
the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
Why does a Canadian cross the road?
To get to the middle.
What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?
Answer-"sorry"
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (Newfoundlander).
He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything
you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?".
"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have
to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent
the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and
instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon
accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly
remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as
the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said
to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut
out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
Here's a joke about how Canada got its name:
When John A. MacDonald and Friends were trying to figure out
the name of this greatplace, someone had a great idea.
Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them -
That will the new name of this place.. So they did so..
1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!?
2nd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "N" eh!?
3d letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "D" eh!?
Trick question:
If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft
dodgers go?
What do you call a Canadian fireman?
A Hoser
What's another name for a Canadian Mountie?
Canadian Bacon.
Why does hockey only have three periods?
Canadians can't count to four.
Maybe you'd like to know our top military secret.
But I'm not going to tell you where we hid the keys to
the boat.
Why does Lucien Bouchard like the idea of Rita McNeil
having a tattoo of Canada on her ass?
Everytime she sits down Quebec seperates.
What's difference between a Canadian and a canoe?
A canoe tips.
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car
accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room,
but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they
were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred
and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses
present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then
there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the
Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter
approached us and said that we were all too young to die,
and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50,
and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what
happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was
haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for
the government to pay for his."
Why did the Newfie wanted Quebec to separate?
He wanted to be closer to Ontario.
When a Canadian thinks of Hell...
they wonder what the heating bill must be.
At parties, a Canadian asks you upstairs so he can examine your
caulking and get the name of your weatherstripping man.
A Canadian woman burns her bra only if she's out of wood.
A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when
snow doesn't stick to his shovel.
A Canadian woman doesn't worry if her shoes fit her feet as
long as they fit in the plastic bag she carries them in from
October to April.
Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six
months of poor snowmobiling.
And our ever favorite, when you cross the border on your
way south you can see a add saying: "welcome to the U.S.of A:
we've got Bob Hope Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder" On your
way back (going into Canada) the sign reads: "Welcome to
Canada; here we have no Hope, no Cash...no Wonder!
The Top 12 Canadian Public Holiday
Ideas rejected by Parliament.
12> Lawyers Day
11> Start of Christmas Season Day
10> False Labour Day
9> Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
8> Hallmark Card Day
7> Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
6> Cretienmas
5> Deadbeat Father's Day
4> Bad Hair Day
3> Doris Day
2> St. Hooter's Day
1> Hash Wednesday
Years ago Prime minister Brian Mulroney called George Bush
and he asked him: "Why the hell did you take Dan Quayle as
vice-president?" George says: "He passed the intelligence test"
What was that test? "I asked him: If your mother has a baby and
it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it?"And Dan
answered:" It's me" So I hired him.
Good idea says Brian I'll try that on my finance minister: So he
asks Joe Clark the same question. Joe says : "well can I give you
an answer in a day or two?" "No prob"
Joe is completely in the dark so he asks Jean Charest the same
question. Jean aswers :"It's me of coure".
Happy Joe goes back to Brian and says: "I've got the answer to
your question: if my mother has a baby who is neither my
brother or my sister, it's Jean Charest".
Shaking his head Brian says: "Your such a dork; it's Dan Quayle
you idiot"
How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians?
"Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?"
A fellow recently told me that during 1988 it was so dry in
Saskatchewan, that he saw a gopher digging a hole - 15 meters
up in the air!
The first question an Albertan asked the tour guide, when
they approached the Eiffel Tower, was "How many barrels a
day does it produce?"
Met a guy the other day and asked him if he had lived in Canada
all his life. "Not yet." was the answer.
Some bankers sure are dumb. I took some Canada Savings
bonds in, and they asked me, "Do you want them redeemed
or converted?"
A bit put out at their ignorance, I replied, "What are
you, a bank or a church?"
The College was asked by Statistics Canada to provide some
employment information, including, "How many people do you
employ, broken down by sex?" The person filling in the form
entered this comment: "Not many; most of our staff is broken
down by booze."
In the summer of 1988 there was a fierce sandstorm in
Saskatchewan. A farmer found a hat laying in his field.
He picked it up and found the head of his neighbour,
very much alive.
"Wow, exclaimed the farmer", I'll get a shovel and dig
you out!"
"You better bring a backhoe," was the response, "I'm
sitting on a horse!"
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room
service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" he
was asked. "Toilet pepper!"
A family moved from Newfoundland to Alberta. Johnnie started
school at the new location. Grade 3. One day the teacher asked
individual students to count to 50. Many of them did very well,
some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he
made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad
how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are
from Newfoundland, son". Next day, in "language", the teacher
asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter
"k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He
made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That
evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad
explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland".
Next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking
showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his
grade, he seemed overly "well - endowed". This confused him.
He told his Dad, that night, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones,
but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from
Newfoundland?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
Top Reasons Why the States Don't Nuke Canada
The bomb costs more than Canada.
Canada will eventually become a US state.
Hockey players would have no place to call home.
Canadian bacon would be eliminated.
France wouldn't have any more allies.
They are so close to the border that it may endanger American lives.
There are no "great" cities to bomb.
The snow would melt and would flood the Earth.
It would take more than 30 minutes.
(Much too long to sell in prime time without a commercial)
If you were to travel to Canada, you would soon run into a
Canadian and a few of his or her friends. If you started to
have a conversation with them, you would most likely quickly
notice the extra words that the Canadians add to the English
language. At first, we thought that these words were only a
type of slang that the Canadians had some how picked up. But,
under closer inspection we have found that these extra words
such as eh? are actually a way for Canadians to secretly
communicate amongst themselves. Adding to this lack of
understanding that Americans have for the secret Canadian
language, is the fact that 25% of the Canadian population
speaks French, which most Americans cannot.
I will now try to explain the speech of the Canadians In
about 2 sentences: Canadians use "raised vowel" sounds (which
obviously shows us that they are trying to raise themselves
above Americans), which make them sound as if they come from
England. If you listen to a Canadian say "out and about", you
will hear "oot and aboot". Therefore, it is true to say that
Candians don't speak English, they speak Canadian, which is a
language in itself.
Another thing that the Canadians do in order to confuse
Americans is by using different words to describe certain
objects. For example: Canadians say, "an elastic", instead
of saying, "a rubber band". Other examples are as follows: A
chesterfield = couch. Runners = tennis shoes. Cash register =
a till. A Bum = a Butt. There are many more.
If you take the time to read some Canadian text you will
notice a lot of extra "u's behind "o's, such as in colour,
flavour, humour, and neighbour. Some of the "r"s are shy and
frightened of appearing at the end of words, as in The Centre
of Arts. This is just another example of how the Canadians are
trying to fool Americans.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN VANCOUVER WHEN...
Your co-worker tells you he has eight body piercings - none
are visible.
You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice
place to live.
You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than
Canadian flags.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.
Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call. "Do
you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?"
You think anyone wearing a Preston Manning haircut is Preston
Manning.
You can't remember...is pot still illegal?
You go to your office manager's baby shower. The parents are
named Judy and Amber.
You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a "FREE TIBET"
bumper sticker and you mean it.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are
grown, and are willing to fight about it.
A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
A man walks on Robson in full leather regalia and crotchless
chaps. You don't notice.
You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute
person who is looking puzzled at a city map.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named
"Breeze".
You are thinking of taking an adult education class, but you can't
decide between a Yoga, Channeling, or Building Your Web Site class.
Your new neighbours go to temple, but you are still not sure if
they're Jewish or Buddhist.
You own an expensive Gore-Tex mountaineering jacket and wear
it 90% of the time.
You run the risk of being trampled by all the running clubs
out at 8am on Sunday morning.
Your choices for vegetarian food aren't limited to the salad
bar at Bonanza.
You Know You're a Torontonian When...
You turn your nose up at any establishment frequented
by the S&M crowd in Scarborough and Mississauga.
A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
You can recommend about three good body piercing parlours.
You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a
nice place to live.
You take pride in being able to walk through Chinatown
in the dead of summer without holding your breath.
You realize there are far more rainbow flags in the city
than Canadian flags.
When the temperature rises above zero degrees, you yell
"Woohooo! Patio weather!"
You enjoy watching channel 47 multicultural TV.
You're guaranteed to know at least one person on every
episode of speaker's Corner.
You haven't been to the CN Tower since you were six, but
still have nightmares about that damn turbo elevator.
You've had at least 3 bicycles stolen in the past 10 years.
You've partied with at least one of the members of
The Kids in the Hall.
You can name at least three locations of The Beer Store that
are open till 11 PM.
At least 3 of your friends have moved to Vancouver.
You never, never, never swim in the lake.
You know "The Beaches" are really called "The Beach", but still
say "The Beaches" just to annoy all the nitwits who live there.
You've had a birthday party at the Organ Grinder.
You can say "world's tallest freestanding structure" ten times fast.
You know the correct answer to "Where do shopping carts go to die?"
is "The Don River".
You speak better Chinese than French.
The word "Cabbagetown" doesn't strike you as particularly amusing.
Castle Frank subway station remains one of the great mysteries of
the universe for you.
You know what the bathrooms in the First Canadian Place are REALLY for.
You don't know where Fort York is, but have a vague recollection
of being there in a past life.
You know the Demic's song "I Wanna Go To New York City" was
intended as sarcasm, not a weekend getaway suggestion.
You know where to find Dim Sum, Sushi, Curry and Pad Thai and a
battery-operated personal pleasure device at 3 am on a weeknight.
For the last time, it's pronounced 'TRONNA'!
You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of
your privacy.
It takes you half an hour to get to work by TTC and you are the
envy of all your friends.
You mourned the death of the Spadina Bus.
You laugh heartily at people who refer to hiway four hundred and one.
You've taken the Vomit Comet.
You can manoeuvre your bike across Queen St. without getting
caught in the streetcar tracks.
You know the difference between souvlaki, moussaka and spanakoptia.
You have NEVER been to the Hard Rock Cafe.
Your out-of-town friends have called you to report they saw
your house in the background footage of an evening crime story
on television.
You know someone who went to high school with a member of the
Barenaked Ladies.
You know the construction crane is, of course,
Toronto's native bird.
You can not only spell "Roncesvalles" but darn near pronounce it
You always leave your 416 work number on answering machines,
even though you have a 905 number, too.
You don't blink in January to see patients in their flimsy gowns,
smoking on the hospital steps.
You've never, ever had to take a ride on the GO Train.
You pass wind in front of your dog and say "Excuse me"
If you're a woman, you have a crush on that Daley-guy who does
all the voice-overs for City-TV.
You'd forgotten there actually are restaurant inspectors in
the city health department.
CANADIAN MALE BIRDS OF SUMMER
HALIFAX PREPRODUCTION PIGEON
Identifying plumage:
Expensive eyewear, cell phones and black caps touting the
names of TV shows and movies (the latter is also used to
impress the female).
Daytime habitat:
A sensitive sort, it circles the quiet shores of Crystal
Crescent Beach.
Wets its beak with:
Frequent dips into Propeller Extra Special Bitter.
Migration patterns:
Retires by midnight to meet early morning call times.
Mating call:
"How'd you like to come back to my place for some screenplay?"
TORONTO GAWKING HAWK
Identifying plumage:
Tank tops, flip-flops and, yes, the occasional gold chain.
Daytime habitat:
Usually found in gaggles on the boardwalk of Ashbridges's
Bay, these hawks prey on bikini-clad females and crow tales
of bench-pressing glory.
Wets its beak with:
Repeated chugs of Mike's Hard Lemonade (hard like it's muscles)
Migration patterns:
Plans to be out all night, but passes out by 1 a.m.
Mating call:
"Hey, sweetheart, how you doin'?"
VANCOUVER WRECK BEACH WOODPECKER
(a close relative of the naked jaybird)
Identifying plumage:
Birkenstocks, nose rings and facial hair of the beard variety.
Daytime habitat:
The longs and sand of Wreck Beach, (a nude beach) where it
seeks full-body exposure (NB: the gawking hawk is unwelcome
and therefore nearly extinct in these parts)
Wets its beak with:
Slow, deliberate sips of dandelion coffee.
Migration patterns:
24-7
Mating call:
"Love your aura
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