Who is Israel's favourite Internet provider?
Netanyahoo
My friend Yaacov told me there's a new Talking Jewish Mother doll.
You pull the string and it says, "Again with the string?"
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?
A girl.
Why did the bumble-bee wear a yarmulka?
He didn't want to be mistaken for a wasp!
What is the difference between Jesus and Moses?
Jesus saves, Moses invests.
Did you hear that Jews have their own version of the Nativity scene?
It's 9 lawyers standing around a car accident.
Why was the Rabbi fired from doing a circumcision?
He slipped and got the sack.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a mosquito?
A mosquito pricks your skin.
What's the name of facial lotion made for Jews?
Oil of Oy Vay
Hear about the new movie that's frightening Jewish women?
It's called, "Debby Does Dishes."
What's special about the elevator at Bloomingdale's?
It's the only thing a Jewish girl will go down on.
What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
"Plaintiff."
How did the Jewish man save money on his honeymoon?
He went alone.
How did the Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
"Your mother pays retail!"
How can you tell if a dirty old man is Jewish?
He says, "Wanna buy a piece of candy little girl?"
Why won't Jewish girls swallow?
They are the spitting images of their mothers.
In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from med school.
What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and
her nails so long and beautiful?
Nothing, nothing at all.
What's the best thing about kosher canoes?
They don't tip.
What's the difference between a Jewish girl and a pit bull?
Eight pounds of jewelry.
How do you ditch a Jewish cop?
Drive through a toll booth
Why don't Jewish American Princesses ever have colostomies?
They can't find a bag to match their shoes.
Jewish people are the most optomistic people in the world.
They have some cut off before they even know how big it will get.
How can you spot the Jewish Ethiopian?
He's the one with the Rolex around his waist.
How difficult was it for the Jewish guy to get laid?
He had to get sentenced to jail in order to get conjugal visits.
Why can't people mug Jews on Yom Kippur?
They fast!
How do you get a Jewish girl to orgasm?
By letting her play with your Gold credit cards during sex.
Why do Jewish women prefer sleeping with circumcised men?
Because they want 15% off everything.
What did the Jewish mother ask her daughter when she learned
she had an affair?
Who catered it?
How can you tell the mother-in-law at a Jewish wedding?
She's the one on her hands and knees picking up the rice!
What's the Jewish version of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.
Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Did you hear about the holy rabbi in Jerusalem who had to get a divorce?
He kept losing interest on his wife.
How do you say Fuck You in Yiddish?
Trust me.
How is a Jewish woman like a Thanksgiving turkey?
Her husband only gets to stuff her once a year.
Did you hear about the new Jewish porno movie?
It called, "Debbie Does Nothing."
Why did God's chosen children wander in the desert for forty years?
One of them dropped a quarter.
What's a Jewish girls idea of natural childbirth?
Absolutely no make up.
What's the Jewish version of a menage a trois?
Using both hands to jerk off.
Why is money green?
Because the Jews pick it before it's ripe.
What did they call the new Jewish-Japanese restaurant?
"So-Sue-Mi."
How much would it cost to divorce a Jewish woman?
It doesn't matter, whatever it is, it's worth it.
Define: Genius.
A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
What did the Jewish woman say when she was flashed?
"Hmmph, you call that a lining?"
What is the most common Jewish STD?
Guilt.
Why don't Jewish women get AIDS?
They only marry assholes, they don't fuck them.
What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?
A trip to Israel.
Hear about the dumb Jewish businessman?
He started his store in a fireproof building.
What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
Genghis Cohen.
What does a Jewish girl do during a nuclear holocaust?
Get out a sun reflector.
What do you get when you cross a computer with a Jewish girl?
A computer that'll never go down on you.
For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd dog.
When he found out I was Jewish, he bit me! He was a wonderful
watchdog. One evening while I was being held up, he watched.
What's the difference between a Jewish girl and Jaws?
Nail polish and a perm.
Why do Jews watch porn films backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Why did the rabbi retire?
He just couldn't cut it anymore.
What did the black rabbi say at the bris?
"Gimme some skin."
Did you hear about the rabbi who did free circumcisions?
He only took tips.
If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A fur coat.
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses.
He took us fourty years through the desert in order to bring us
to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil."
-Golda Mier
"Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish Mother."
-Peter Malkin
"I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a
Gentile woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to
shave a Gentile woman on Saturday."
-Woody Allen
A Texan driving through Chicago gets hungry and stops at a
Jewish delicatessen. He walks in and announced, "Boy, I'm mighty
hungry. Now I don't know nothing 'bout Jewish food so you just
bring me some good Jewish food and a heap of it."
So the waiter serves him quite a little feast and the Texan
eats, well, like a hungry Texan. When he's done he says to the
waiter, "Boy, that sure was good. Now that soup, that was good
soup. What do you call that soup?"
The waiter answers, "That was Matzoth Ball soup, Sir."
"'Zat so?" replies the Texan. "Now, tell me, what other parts
of the Matzoth is good for eatin'?"
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't
eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork.
God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying
to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart
"If you want to live forever," Fischel Farkes told his very rich
cousin living in Haifa, "come to live in our little kibbutz."
"Is it THAT beautiful?"
"Beautiful? It's the ugliest town you ever saw in your whole life!"
"Well. is the CLIMATE that good?" asked the cousin.
"The climate is, without a doubt, absolutely terrible. Maybe the
worst in Israel!"
"Then why in God's name do you urge me to live there?" The cousin
spluttered.
Look at the statistics!" exclaimed Farkes. "Not ONCE has a rich
man died here."
Like a lot of religions, the Jews attempt to carry their beliefs,
traditions and laws into their every-day lives. Even the military
in Israel is operated under strict religious laws. All of their
generals have 3 baskets on their desks for their paperwork:
"Sacred", "Top Sacred" and "OY, Don't Ask !"
For a long time, Jewish couples resisted the idea of divorce,
but times change. Recently in Howard County a Jewish couple
filed for divorce.
The woman was testifying & explaining her "Bad marriage" to
the Judge. She said, "That's my side of the story, your honor,
now let me tell you his."
Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon
dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House.
The first businessman says, "Ozusan, I have some unpleasant
news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you."
Ozusan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more
information. "It is as I said, Ozusan. Your wife is dishonoring
you, and she is doing it with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
Shocked, Ozusan decides to go home and confront his wife.
He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me
with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
She replies, "That's a lie. Wherever did you hear such mishegass?"
A Jew, Italian and a Frenchman are about to be executed and they
are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and
then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and
then executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES???"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"I'm so sorry...but they are out of season!"
"So, I'll wait..."
These three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe, and decide to
meet again in 20 years to see how they all made out in America.
20 years pass...
The first man asks the second: Nu? How'd you do?
He replies: Well, you know...when I came to this country I had
no idea vat to do with myself to make a living. So I looked at my
last name. Goldstein. So I vent into the gold business. And oy,
did I make a FORTUNE!
He turns to the next man and asks: Nu, how 'bout you?
He says "Well, like you I had no idea vat I was going to do in
this vast country to make a living, so I too, looked to my last
name. Silverberg. So I vent into the silver business. And oy,
did I make a FORTUNE!
So they both turn to the last man and say: and you?
Vat happened to you?
So the third man said, Well, I too had no idea how I vas to
make a livink here in America, so I looked at my last name.
Tailor. I said, das no good. I never make money as a tailor.
So I went to shul and prayed. I said "G-d, if you make me a
wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner."
So the first man said "So, vat happened?"
The man replied: "Vas the matter? You never heard of
Lord and Taylor?
Hey, kids! What time is it? Why, it's calendar trivia time!
5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
-4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
=====
1063 Years that Jews went without Chinese food
The Yuppette witnessed a neighbour lighting her Menorah candle
each night & at first chance, engaged the lady in conversation.
Her Jewish neighbour explained both the Holiday & the tradition.
The subject of the conversation turned to their children.
The Yuppette bragged how she had raised a doctor and a banker.
The Jewish neighbour said that she had only one son who was
a Rabbi.
The Yuppette exclaimed, "A Rabbi?? What the hell kind of
a job is that for a smart Jewish boy?"
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue
dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a
sign was displayed:"Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible
an unknown had a name.
The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty
much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."
America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for
three generals.
The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to
teach tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a
Mossad General to teach espionage.
The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric,
General Motors, and General Dynamics.
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of
a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to
the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady.
It is hot, so the girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning
herself.
The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would
give me that fan."
The girl gives her the fan, too.
Fifteen minutes later, the woman gets up and says to the bus
driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."
The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner,
not in the middle of the block.
With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you
knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."
The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out.
As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it
you have? "
The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."
An Englishman, an American, and an Israeli are all out walking
one day, when suddenly surrounded by cannibals.
The cannibals rapidly capture the travelers, and tell them,
"Hey, we're cannibals, and we're going to cook you up and eat
you, but since we ARE civilized cannibals, we're going to grant
you each one wish, first."
The Englishman asks for, "A nice spot of sherry," which the
cannibals provide, and which the Englishman drinks down,
thoroughly enjoying the drink.
The American says, "What I'd really like is a nice Cuban cigar."
The cannibals give him a really top-rate Cuban cigar, which the
American thoroughly enjoys.
Finally, the cannibals turn to the Israeli and ask, "Okay, now
what would you like?"
The Israeli responds, "What I'd REALLY like would be a good
swift KICK in the seat of the pants!"
The cannibals think this is the most ridiculous request they've
ever heard! But being good for their word, they oblige, take aim,
line up boot to touch ass, and give the Israeli a good swift kick
that send the Israeli flying a couple of feet into the air. While
in mid-air, the Israeli reaches into his shirt, pulls out an Uzi
machine gun, and rapidly shoots down all of the cannibals.
The American and the Englishman are just astounded!
They ask, "If you had the machine gun all this time, why didn't
you just use it right away in the first place?!"
The Israeli responds nonchalantly, "I didn't want to be accused
of being the aggressor."
You may be a Jewish Redneck if...
You light your shabbos candles from your cigarette
Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke
Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound
of Haman's name
You have a gun rack in your sukkah
You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher
You think marrying your first cousin is required according to
Jewish Law
You don't ride on shabbat because your car is up on blocks
When someone shouts l'chaim you respond l'howdy
You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion
You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting lease.
JEWBILATION
n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED
n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from
the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
SANTASHMANTA
n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate
Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
MATZILATION
v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
BUBBEGUM
n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never
gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA
n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change
the baby's diaper.
DEJA NU
n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on
your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
DISORIYENTA
n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes
up a conversation with everyone she passes.
GOYFER
n. A Gentile messenger.
HEBORT
vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after
one's Bar Mitzvah
JEWDO
n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way
out of a tight spot.
MAMATZAH BALLS
n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MEINSTEIN
slang. "My son, the genius."
MISHPOCHAMARKS
n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face
and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT
n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors
live in the same condo as you.
ROSH HASHANANA
n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
YIDENTIFY
vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even
though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.
MINYASTICS
n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth
person to complete a minyan.
FEELAWFUL
n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
DISKVELLIFIED
vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as
seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In
extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's
son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for
diskvellification)
WHAT IF THEIR MOM'S WERE JEWISH...?
Paul Revere's Mother: "I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew."
Mona Lisa's Mother: "After all that money your father and I spent
on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still
could have written!"
Michelangelo's Mother: "Can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Napoleon's Mother: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report
card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
Lincoln's Mother: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
Einstein's Mother: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing
money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
Jonah's Mother: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've
really been for the last three days."
Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed."
A man is trying to find a retirement home for his father. Since he
is Jewish, he tried to find a Jewish home, but they were all filled.
Reluctantly he settled for a Catholic home. After a couple of weeks
he asked his father if he was comfortabe there, and to his surprise
his father seemed quite pleased.
"Son," the old man said, "everyone is treated with respect here.
There is one guy who was a family physician, but even though he hasn't
seen any patients for 20 years people still call him doctor. There is
another man who used to teach at a college, but he hasn't taught for
20 years, and they still call him professor.
In my case, I haven't had sex in 20 years and they still call me the
fucking Jew."
As you may know, in a slalom race the winning skier must pass
through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened
that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had
great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.
The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The
Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian
in 38.1 seconds. It was then the Israeli's turn.
The crowd waited at the bottom of the slope... and waited...
for SIX MINUTES!!!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli
finally crossed the finish line.
Replied the exhausted Israeli, "Which of those bastards put
a mezuzah on each gate?"
A man tried to get a job as sexton at the local synagogue.
The rabbi told him that he would make a good sexton, but alas,
he could not read or write, and literacy would be needed in the
course of his work.
The man left, very disappointed, found another job and, by
working very hard and making use of his native ability, he
gradually advanced until finally he owned a small business.
Still working hard, he expanded his business until he was
very rich. And he still could not read or write.
Once, when he was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter,
the fact of his illiteracy came to be known."
The newspaper report said, "Imagine, sir, what you would
have been if you could only read and write."
"I know what I would have been," said the man. "I would now
be the sexton at a small synagogue."
Rabbi Phone Line
Hello, you have reached the office of the New York Board of Rabbis.
Our Rabbi is ready to answer any of your questions.
If you are Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.
If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
If you are Reform, press any button you like.
If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
If you are Lubavitch, please wait a moment for the Moshiach to answer.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Rabbi.
The answer to your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by the
Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Conservative Rabbi.
The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is
acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us.
We hope that this has been helpful. If you wish to change your
affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reform Rabbi.
The answer to your question is: If you want to, sure! Why not? Who are
we to say? However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Rabbi.
The answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have
not decided that issue yet. However, my role is to empower you to answer
your own question. To answer your own question now, please hang up...
if you are still there.
(Click)
Two rabbis are driving down the road when truck crosses the highway
and is coming straight at them. Quickly, the rabbi driving makes the
sign of the cross.
Amazingly, their car lifts above the highway and the truck speeds
safely under the car which then gently sets down.
After recovering, the passenger rabbi says, "Now Saul, I don't mean
to be ungrateful but when that truck was about to hit us, why did you
make the sign of the cross?
The rabbi driving replied, "Because I didn't have time to make the
star of David."
A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it;
in six days the waters will wipe out the world.
The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone
to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation
in heaven.
The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too
late to accept Jesus," he says.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach:
"We have six days to learn how to live under water."
A young woman brings home her fianc�e to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about
the young man. The father invites the fianc�e to his study
for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but
what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to
live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will
provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such
as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies,
"God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support
children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fianc�e.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the
father questions, the young idealist insists that God will
provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father
answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is
he thinks I'm God."
There is an old Jewish lady watching a MPAA screening where they
rate movies. She is screening this old remake of a Roman movie. In
the middle of the movie there is a scene where the Romans are
feeding people to lions.
She presses her buzzer and says that the movie should be rated
"R" because there are Jews getting fed to lions.
The manager says, "They are not Jews, they are Christians."
She says, "Ok." They keep playing the movie. A few minutes later
she presses the buzzer again.
This time she says, "That lion, over there, is not eating!"
An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi.
"Rabbi", he says when he sees him, "do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"
"Yes, I do," says the rabbi.
"Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent.
"Yes, he is,"says the rabbi.
"Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue that he claims
on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent.
"I can assure you he will!" says the rabbi.
Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to
your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. You want
my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and
drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before
the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them
into his study the next day.
Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted
that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went
into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put
these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week,
to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from
the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly,
had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other
seemed much as he had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely?
Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?"
"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?"
He started to walk away, paused and then said "But I boiled them first."
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox
rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance
separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "But what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. So the Rabbi
went to the congregation and asked for a raise in salary. After
much consideration and discussion they passed a rule that when the
Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the
congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's
pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and
bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Having children is an act of God!" he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood
up and, in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and
rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers!"
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea,
the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty
they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not
able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them,
as they were made up of saltwater.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and
his family had heard the complaints of the people, but that they
could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their
mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink
from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kind fish's offer. But before the fish and
his family began to help, they told Moses they had a request. They
asked that in return for their help, they and their descendants
should always be present in future, at the seder meal that would
be established to commemorate the Exodus from Egypt.
Moses agreed to this, and he gave them their name which remains
to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about
who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed
the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while
we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not
lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and
suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped.
Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite
the Koran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little
dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared
from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was
tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in
Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all
around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout
Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was
in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city.
Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from
nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash.
I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not
allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in
God, I prayed and prayed and suddenly...for 500 meters all around me,
it was Tuesday!"
A love-lorn couple were engaged by the question: Is it ok to have
sex on the day of Sabbath? (If sex were work, this would be forbidden)
So the man went to the pastor and posed his question. After some
thought, the pastor replied that sex was work. Not feeling satisfied
with the lack of proper explanation (after all, the pastor was celibate,
what could he know about sex?), he approached the vicar, who after
pondering the question, agreed with the pastor.
As a last resort, the man approached a rabbi with the same question:
Is sex work or play? The rabbi, a man of the world, answered
immediately "Son, sex must definitely be play; for if it were work,
my wife would have someone else do it for her".
A journalist, assigned to the Jerusalem Bureau, takes an apartment
overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees
an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down
and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done
that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years.
In the morning I pray for world peace, and then for the brotherhood of
man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and come back and pray for the
eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here
every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.
The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the
Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father
insists that the Rabbi trys it out, and, indeed, he is connected to
the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.
After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is
great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and
finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone
and says, "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months
later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief
Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also
is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent
matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the
Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats
away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says, "1 Shekel 50!"
The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap!?!"
The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the
only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really
bothers him.
One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who
ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty
dollar bill in the air and said, "whoever gives the best answer will
get this twenty dollars".
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said "George Washington, because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent," said the teacher.
Another said, "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good," said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent,
but still being polite.
One little girl said, "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the
greatest person who ever lived, and why?"
And Abraham said, "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class,
I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars."
And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham
why he said Jesus.
Abraham said, "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person
who ever lived, but...business is business!"
Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived.
One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing
and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the creator of all.
Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end?"
"You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could
smoke while the Torah was being read? I can live with that. Men
are weak, but the Word is strong!"
Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really,
Serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?"
Bauman hung his head in shame.
"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which
is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose
with my people, but I can accept these indiscresions."
Finally, he turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, on the other
hand have gone to far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the
world at me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur
by putting out a sign saying..."Closed for the Holiday!"
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one
day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he
passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish,
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah...outside, standing like a putzel eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor
sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head
and said, "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down
on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All
night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot
about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful
his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About
his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot
listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him
of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went
to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while,
saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing,
and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went
out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot.
The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer.
He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months,
sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer
came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was
about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained
that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific
argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to
say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone,
including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the
building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in
this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds)
that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched
on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a
peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his
shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's
looking at you!" Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he
owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He
marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks
from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was
happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable
bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made
your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to
read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you
to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds
on Yom Kippur!"
Guide to Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can,
but make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good
parking spot at the mall.
18. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
19. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk
of magnesia.
20. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
21. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
22. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
23. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
24. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and
tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around
age 45.
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about
why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was
nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and
excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and
ordered the first pork-containing item on the menu. While he's waiting
for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks
in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the
rabbi has no choice but to agree.
A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the
cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in
its mouth.
The congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a
fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve
an apple."
Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen,
Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray.
We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is
the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their
new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went
up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming
angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something
in Latin and left."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."
If Microsoft Was Jewish
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error,
your PC would get "Ferklempt."
When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard
Drive is Shtupped" message.
Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels."
CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention
of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go!
I'm not getting any younger!" button.
"Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already.
You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!"
When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you
would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis."
Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play
my music already!"
During Passover, your PC would not be able to read leavened floppies."
"Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."
Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this,
and a little byte of that."
When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You
vant I should fix this?" message.
When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally
hear a loud "Oy!!!"
A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise
that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mah-Jong."
A tourist in a strange town notices that her wristwatch is broken.
She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating
search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in
Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds
of clocks and wristwatches displayed merrily in the window. She
walks into the shop and puts her wristwatch on the counter in front
of the proprietor.
"Would you please fix my wristwatch? she asked?
"Madam, I do not repair clocks or wristwatches. I am a Moel,
I perform circumcisions."
Puzzled, she asks, "Then why on earth do you have all these
clocks and wristwatches in your window?"
"Well, what should I have in my window?"
A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out
in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.
Much to his surprise, included in the survival gear that they give
him, is a recipe for matzoh balls. When he asks why he's receiving
a matzoh ball recipe, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the
road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you'll pull
out this matzoh ball recipe and start to mix it together."
"Within five minutes you'll have a half a dozen Jewish women
hovering over you telling you what you're doing wrong!"
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and
went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar
mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last
week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go
wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost
me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has
decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the Lawyer.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were
ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second
night out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the
rail, looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really
starting to unwind.
Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into the
ocean. They came up gasping and spluttering and saw the ship
sailing away from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen
overboard he had managed to grab a life preserver, and now he
clung to it, desperately treading water.
"Hyman!" he called out, "Hyman, can you float alone?"
"Oy vay!" called out Hymie from the dark waters. "What a time to
talk business!"
Three Jews were sitting on the beach in Miami. One of them
said, "Oy, gevalt! I was almost wiped out in mein business in
Brooklyn, but I had a fire and insurance took care of everything."
"Funny you should mention that," said the second Jew. "I too
was beink almost bankrupted by mein business in Flatbush, but I
had a big burglary and the insurance took care of everything."
"Funny you should mention that," said the third Jew. "I as
well was beink complete viped out in mein business in Crown
Heights, but I had a big flood and the insurance took care of
everything."
The other two Jews stared at him with interest. "So," said
the first one after a while, "How do you arrange for a flood?"
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind
off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that
woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the bartender, "is a hard-hearted bitch.
You won't get anywhere with her. Nobody does."
"OK," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way
to the men's room, he reaches behind the woman's back and drops
the stuff in her drink.
Nothing happens for a long time. But then all of a sudden he
feels her body close to his, and her voice is whispering hotly
in his ear, and she's saying, "I can't stand it any more! You
excite me so much! Take me shopping!"
It's the yearly party at the temple and they're having the
drawing for the door prizes. Goldstein wins third prize and
gets a color TV. Rosenberg wins second prize, goes up to
collect, and it's a plate of cookies.
He comes back to the table and says, "Goldstein, I don't
understand it. You won third prize, you got a color TV. I won
second prize, I got a god-damned plate of cookies."
Goldstein says, "Rosenberg, "You don't understand. The
plate of cookies was cooked by the Rabbi's wife."
Rosenberg says, "Fuck the Rabbi's wife!"
Goldstein says, "Shh...that's first prize."
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few
drinks, then he sees a Chinaman and walks over and punches
him in the face.
"Hey!" the Chinaman man hollers. "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.
"But I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" The Jewish man
sits back down.
Pretty soon the Chinaman man walks up to the Jewish man and
punches him in the face.
"Hey!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the Chinaman man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary
section.
The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to place an obituary."
"Awright, how would you like it to read?"
"Irving Cohen died."
"That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
"That's it."
"But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in
the price."
"All right. Irving Cohen died... Cadillac for sale."
An old Jew and a young Jew are traveling on the train. The
young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?"
The old Jew does not answer.
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
The old Jew keeps silent.
"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"
The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route.
I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now,
I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a
beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want
to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't
even afford a watch?"
A young Jewish boy has been having trouble with school.
In fact, he has just been kicked out of three private Jewish
schools in a row. There being no more Jewish schools in town,
his parents decide to send him to catholic school.
A month later, to his parent's surprise, he is still in
school and hasn't gotten in any trouble.
In another month, his midterm grades come home--and he has
aced every class!
His parents ask him, "What's so great about this catholic
school? How come you got thrown out of three good Jewish schools
only to do well in this Christian one?"
"Well," the boy answers, "These Catholics scare me. In the
whole history of the school, they've only admitted one other Jew."
"What of it?" His dad asks.
"H-he's nailed to the wall in the cafeteria."
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the
Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your
organization?"
The Priest says, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop," said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a
Cardinal", said the priest.
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said, "I suppose that I could
be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?
Is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
The Rabbi leaned back and said, "One of our boys made it!"
In a certain town somewhere in the USA, there happened to be a
vivid religious community. On one side of the road, there was a
catholic church, on the other side of the road was located Temple
Beit Immanuel - a reform jewish synagogue.
Now, it happened that a wealthy parishioner bought the Catholic
priest a brand new Cadillac, with the state of the art everything,
plum red color and white leather upholstery. He accepted graciously,
and was very proud of the car, for about two weeks...
You see, the rabbi of TBI had several very wealthy members in his
congregation, and started working on them like a good rabbi ought
to, and after about two weeks, on the friday, he had an identical
car - to the minutest of details.
Of course the Catholic priest became upset. He had to do something
about this terrible ... terrible ... uuurgh. So he called everybody
to a big mass, celebrating the sunday, and sprinkled the car with
holy water, using frankincense and a lot of latin words, meaningless
to the most. But the rabbi wasn't lost behind a carriage � he
gathered a minyan next shabbat, around the car, took a hacksaw, and
cut off a 1/2 inch from the cars tailpipe.
Did you hear about the Jewish football (American Football) star?
Seth Goldstein played for the New Jewsey Giants.
Position: Nose Tackle.
His specialty: led the league in sacks every year of his career. His
motivation for the sacks: a desire to _get the quarterback!_
A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest son Yitzak...
"Father, I am going to marry!"
His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila... "Tell me,
is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"
"O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..."
"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"
"I'm very very happy," says the son..
OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both," replies
Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons,
Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening.
"Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises. "What
is her name?," implores the father.
"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."
"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy, Father."
"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray. "Please God... let my
remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish
children in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out.
The next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims,
"Father!!, I am to wed in the spring!"
"HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands.
"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy!
"Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks,
"Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"
"No," says Chutzpah.
"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be attorney Goldberg's daughter
Rachel from Beverly Hills?"
"Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...
"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most
beautiful son?"
"Whoopi".
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