Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a
small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar,
ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke
rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an
angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more
remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man
took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the
chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one
inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the
chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the
malady lingers on."
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did
some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and
came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo,
asked a question which his son translated.
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip
to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could
send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors,
the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son
to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where
the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to
translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government
translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch
out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
The tourist was admiring the Indian's necklace.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much
to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
"Dad, do you think that the American Indians were superior to
the white men who took this land from them?" asked the young boy.
"You bet," replied the father. "When the Indians were the sole
occupants of this land, they had no taxes, no national debt, no
centralized government, no military draft, no foreign aid programs,
no banks, no stock markets, no nuclear weapons, and their women did
all the work. What could be more superior to that?"
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an
Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,
"Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his
secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However,
after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't
show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big
scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you.
What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.
"Radio is broken."
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out
of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the
manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in
the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager.
"The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the
agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for
the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'
because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember
the slightest details of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for
his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight
nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your
21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking
up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across
to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief
Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that
'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than
'G'dye myte.')
On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he
was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting
in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How," said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
A tourist stopped off at a small railroad station where, sitting
by the side of the tracks, there were Indians selling their wares.
The tourist saw a blanket he liked very much, and was told that
the price was a hundred dollars. The tourist offered fifty.
The Indian said, "Price is one hundred. Bargains like Manhattan
you no get anymore!"
A Native American Indian came to New York for the first time and
checked into a hotel. Tired from a long bus ride, he went right
to his room. On the bed was a blanket. The Indian picked it up
and walked down to the lobby.
Putting the blanket on the check-in-counter, he told the clerk,
"Last man in room leave overcoat!"
Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a bite.
The maitre d' asked, "Do you have a reservation?"
One Indian chief answered, "Certainly. In Arizona!"
As the Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along towards the north,
they spotted a war party of 50 Apaches coming at them. They turned
south and spotted a war party of 100 braves coming at them. Then,
they turned east and spotted a war party of 150 braves coming at
them. Finally, they turned west and spotted a war party of
200 braves coming at them.
The Lone Ranger turned to his friend and said, "Well, Tonto,
this is the end, there's not much we can do."
Tonto looked back at the Lone Ranger, and replied, "What you
mean WE, white man?"
When the new school year started the history teacher was so
excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class.
She was beside herself with excitement.
So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell
the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest and
takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice, "I am a Cherokee. My Father and I
walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all
this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee".
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy
to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his
chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice, "I am a Comanche. My Father and I
walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all
this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche".
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the
last little Indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and
proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his
chest. He says in a booming voice, "I am a Fuckawee."
The teacher looks dumb founded. She says, "I don't think there
is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."
The little boy says, "My Father and I walked for many days and
many nights. And many nights and many days. We ran out of water,
but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally,
one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from
his eyes, looks around. "He said hmm, where the Fuckawee."
It was election time and the politician decided to go out to
the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was
getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was
encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native
Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and
saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch,
and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get
closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
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