The Orient Jokes

The Orient Jokes



How did the Japanese woman give birth to a caucasian baby?
Occidents do happen.



60 percent of all Orientals have cataracts; 
the other 40 perecent drive Lincoln Continentals.



Have you heard of the new Korean Cookbook??
It's called 101 ways to wok your dog



What is a common illness in China?
Kung-Flu.


   
What did the oriental girl say after sliding down the banister?
"Holee Smokie!" 



Where do Oriental voyeurs come from?
Peking. 



Why did they raise the drinking age in China?
Because the students were constantly tanked!



How can you spot the petshops in Korea?
They have drive-through windows.



  What does the clerk at a Korean pet shop say to you to when 
you're ready to make a purchase?
  "Is this for here or to go?" or, "You want fries with that?"



Did you hear about the new Chinese-German restaurant?
The food is great, but an hour after you eat, you're hungry for power.



How do you blind a Chinese person?
Put a windshield in front of him.



What do Japanese do with erections?
Vote.



What is an Korean 5 course dinner?
4 puppies and a sack of rice.



What was the name of that Chinese student trying to stop the
 tanks in Tiananmen Square?
Whan Dum Fuck.



What would you call an Asian valet?
Mahatma Coat.



Why aren't there any Asians in the N.H.L.?
Every time they go into the corner, they open a convenience store.



After a Chinese couple got their divorce, she went back to Peking 
and he went back to Wanking.



Who was Chicken Teriyaki named after?
The only surviving Kamikaze pilot.



Why didn't they build Disneyland in Japan?
Because all the people were too short to get on the good rides.



What time is it if the Chinaman has a toothache?
Tooth hurty. 



How Long Is A Chinaman.



  On Friday, China vowed that it would not use nuclear technology 
against Taiwan. Apparently, they're not done downloading secrets 
from the U.S.



Read with Chinese accent!
  A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some 
time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never
find a mate.  In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she 
decided that it was time to see a doctor.  Looking thru the 
phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named 
Dr. Chang.
  When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and 
he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away 
from me across the froor".
  She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said,
"Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.
  Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of
Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see!  That why you haf sex 
probrem".
  The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly 
what Zachary Disease was and he replied,
  "Zachary Disease. When your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"



  Well it seems this Japaneze tourist was visiting Hawaii and on 
Monday dropped in at the money exchange, traded in 10,000 Yen and
received $115.00 US.
  A couple of days later he goes back, exchanges 10,000 Yen and
receives $110.00 US.  He grumbled but left. A couple days later 
he exchanges 10,000 Yen and receives $105.00 US.
  This time the Japanese tourist asks, "How come I get $115.00 
one day, then $110.00 and then only $105.00, each time for 
10,000 Yen?"
  The teller replies, "flucuations." 
  The irate tourist replies, "Fluck you Americans too!"



  A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the 
auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise 
their hands.
  As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
  He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 
'Many hands make light work."



  This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with 
a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
  "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit 
in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese 
gentleman sitting in the corner.
  The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name 
like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
  The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
  The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?"
  "I am he," answers the old man.
  "You?  How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
  The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, 
I was standing in line at Documentation Center.  Man in front of me
was big blonde Swede.  Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" 
He say, "Hans Olaffsen."
  She look at me say, "What your name?"
  I say, "Sam Ting."



  The Rabbi from a small town took a trip to China. After he 
arrived, he stopped at a restaurant for lunch.  As his waiter 
spoke fairly good English and place wasn't very busy, 
he thought he would inquire a little bit into the local culture 
of the town.  So, he told the waiter that this was his first 
trip to China and he was curious about whether there might be 
any Chinese Jews.
  The waiter said, "I don't know, but I'll ask my boss."
  After a very long time, the waiter came back. He said that he
was very, very sorry they did not know about any Chinese Jews,
that they only have Tomato Jews or Orange Jews.



  A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings 
them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white 
baby boy!
  "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What 
will you name the baby?"
  The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, 
two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him 
Sum Ting Wong."


 
  Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they 
have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate
technical ideas at a faster rate.



  A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu,
to watch and report any activities that might develop.

  A few days later he received this report:

 Most honorable sir:
 You leave house.
 He come house.
 I watch.
 He and she leave house.
 I follow.
 He and she get on train.
 I follow.
 He and she go in hotel.
 I climb tree-look in window.
 He kiss she.
 She kiss he.
 He strip she.
 She strip he.
 He play with she.
 She play with he.
 I play with me.
 Fall out of tree, not see.
 NO FEE.



  The three YU brothers were immigrants from China and have just 
successfully passed their U.S. Citizenship Examinations. The last 
item taken up by the immigration officer with them was the 
adaption of American names in place of their original Chinese names.
JA YU was first asked if he had a particular choice.
  "I might as well add 'CK' to my first name and now be known as 
JACK YU," said the eldest brother. 
  "That sounds OK," said the immigration officer. 
  Turning now to the younger brother, the immigration officer asked,
"Now what name would you prefer CHU YU?" 
  Very smartly CHU replied, "I will do the same as my elder brother,
add 'CK' to my first name, and now be called CHUCK YU,"
  Before the youngest brother could open his mouth and say anything,
the immigration officer pointed at him and very quickly said, "FU, 
I hope you are not thinking what I am thinking. You are not going 
to get it."



Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...

English phrase                          Chinese Interpretation
--------------------------------------------------------------
Are you harboring a fugitive?           Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.                         Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man                              Dum Gai
Small Horse                             Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!                No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach?                Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table            Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift             Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here                  Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?           Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution      Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet            Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone                 No Pah King
Do you know lyrics to the Macarena?     Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright                 Yu So Dum
I got this for free                     Ai No Pei
I am not guilty                         Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer             Wai Go Nao?
Meeting was scheduled for next week     Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived                       Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight                       Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile            Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive             Yu Stin Ki Pu
Phew! Does this bathroom stink!         Hu Flung Dung
A gay liberation greeting               Ar U Wun Tu
Ancient Chinese invention               Gun Pao Der
Approach me                             Kum Hia  
Not very good                           Lao Zi          
An illegal execution                    Lin Ching        
A premature infant                      Tai Ne Bae Be    
Serving drinks to people                Ten Ding Ba      
A person with T.B.                      Wan Bum Lung     
There's no reason to raise your voice   Wai U Shao Ting  
I stepped in shit                       Dung On Mai Shu
Let's sleep together                    Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu
An unattractive woman                   Fat Ho
A man who is popular with the women     Wel Hung Gai
A bashful person                        Shai Gai         




Ding Dong Deng's Dead

  The people of China are most saddened by the passing of their 
beloved leader, Deng Xiaoping.
 In fact, they've decided to name the automobile produced at the 
new Volkswagen factory in Beijing after him.  It will be called
"The Deng Beetle."
  The current power establishment is already downplaying his
significance in China's history, as evidenced by the latest 
official press release titled "Deng wasn't shit!".




  Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who 
needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout 
the country that he was searching for one.  A year passed and only
3 people showed up.
  The emperor asked the first Samurai to come in and demonstrate 
why he should be head Samurai.
  The first Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. 
Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 
2 pieces.
  The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
  The emperor then asked the second Samurai to come in and demonstrate.
  The second Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh
whoosh goes his sword.  The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
  The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"
  The emperor then had the third Samurai demonstrate why he should be
the head Samurai.
  The third Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His
flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh
whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh.  A gust of wind fills the room, but
the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
  The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why is
the fly not dead?"
  The third Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the 
fly has been circumcised!




YOU KNOW YOU ARE JAPANESE IF...
1. You're obsessed with your hair, your car, and your clothes
2. You want to marry a Korean American or Chinese American woman
  (males); or you want to marry a white guy (females).
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE KOREAN IF...
1. You smoke and drink too much.
2. You've got a bottle of Kimchi in your fridge.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE CHINESE IF...
1. You think you're the smartest people in the world.
2. You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all times.
3. Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE VIETNAMESE IF...
1. You eat at restaurants that have "Pho" on their signboards.
2. You have some relative who is Chinese.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FILIPINO IF...
1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you 
   have a job as a nurse, a security guard, or an accountant. 
2. Some member of your family is a politician or a movie star. 
3. You're not afraid of black people; in fact, you wish you were black. 
4. You don't care if you are superior to all other Asians or not, 
   because being Filipino is cool enough just by itself.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE THAI IF...
1. People offer to pay you for sex.
2. No matter what you eat, it's not greasy or spicy enough.
3. You're not afraid of black people, cause in some cases you're 
   scarier than they are.
4. You know in your heart you'll never be superior to all other
   Asians, but you've learned to live with it.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE MALAYSIAN IF ...
1. You don't believe anything the newspapers tell you, but would 
   never say so in public. 
2. The whole world (and George Soros) is out to destroy you and your 
   country. 
3. You would never admit to being afraid of black people, because it 
   might disrupt racial harmony. 
4. You don't think you are superior to other Asians, but your food, 
   culture, english, humor, etc is.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE SINGAPOREAN IF ...
1. You eat, sleep, smile and have sex according to Government policy.
2. You don't think Lee Kuan Yew is a facist dictator.
3. Government policy is that you shouldn't be afraid of black
   people so you aren't. 
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians, cause the    
   Government says so.




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