Food Spoilage Test
FINALLY, a way to know what to throw-out and what to save!
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what
you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese
but you realise you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.
Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT
It never spoils.
CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded
when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it
turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
should be disposed of. Carefully.
WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick,
but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard
the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware
containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he
hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's
any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells
him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they
deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and
he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with
the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you
ordered, pepper only."
A couple of Asians are touring the United States. They were
elated to discover that one of our favorite foods was the hot
dog. After buying some from a street vendor, the first Asian
unwrapped his dog and upon examining it, made a disgruntled noise.
"What's wrong?", asked his friend.
"I'll tell you, after you tell me what part you got."
Two gentlemen are driving down the interstate and decide to
stop at a Truck Stop for dinner. They sit at the counter and
when the waitress arrives, both gentlemen order hamburgers.
The waitress promptly goes to the freezer, pulls out two
patties, and places one each under each arm. When asked what
the hell is going on, she calmly explains that they have no
way to defrost the patties since the microwave is broken.
Send one man to the other, "Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't
order a hotdog."
For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
My husband invited his law partner for dinner with our family.
We were all seated around the table and my husband remarked,
"Ann, what a fantastic new dish!"
At this, our seven-year-old piped up, "That's not a new dish.
That's the dish I had my turtle in."
Well the other day I walked into a bakery and there were two
doughnuts, a big one and a little one. I picked up the big donut
and this women goes, "Hey don't be greedy you shouldn't have
that big doughnut all to yourself!"
So I replied "Well I'm at the front of the queue! Anyway which
one would you have chosen?"
The women said "The little one, of course!"
And I answered: "So what are you moaning for, I left it for you!"
One cold December day, a tourist in decided to find out if the
locals were as cheap as he had heard. He stopped at a farm
cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was
invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.
Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman
handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After
taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet
and fresh...you are most generous!"
She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink
that milk because we found a dead rat in it."
Sick to his stomach, the tourist clapped both hands over his
mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on
the stone.
The woman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought
it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you
ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire,
I give you milk to drink... and now you repay my kindness by
breaking the children's potty!"
What's moist and pink and split right down the middle?
A grapefruit.
My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon
juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the
bottle said that it was "not made from concentrate" she asked
me what that meant.
I told her that it was made from distracted lemons. While my
wife was shaking her head in the disbelief, my daughter, in a
thoughtful tone, said "that must be why they got caught."
Gloria heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.
She left a note for her Milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons
of milk.
When Alan read the note he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked
on the door to clarify the order.
Gloria came to the door and Alan said, "I found your
note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons
or 1.5 gallons?"
Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my
bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
Alan said, "Pasteurized?"
Gloria said, "No, just up to my neck."
A well-dressed man approached a woman at a Gotham health
food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly
what she did with the tofu in her basket.
She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks
at it for several weeks and then throws it away.
The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it.
I was hoping you had a better recipe."
OREO PSYCHO-PERSONALITY TEST
Psychologists have discovered the ways people eat Oreo cookies
provides great insight into their personalities.
Choose which of the following best describes your favorite
method of eating Oreo cookies:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each
bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid such as milk, coffee, etc.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo's.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing.
This means you consume life with abandon, you're fun to
be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness.
You're totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with
their children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people
who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them,
you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're
normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're
very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to
the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others.
Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the
speed limit.
4. Feverish Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly.
You always have a million things to do and never enough time
to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family.
Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You
like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize
bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial
about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity
towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work, though
not always able to put them back together, so you destroy
all the evidence of your activities. You deny your
involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive
liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off.
You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are
greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others.
You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you
don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional
medical help -- immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear
nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are
particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear.
Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You
are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke
warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your
mother for this lovely pie."
"If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously,
"would you thank her for two pies?"
The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment
museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue
occurred:
"Who are you?"
"I am Enoch, the egg king."
"What is your speciality?"
"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs,
and one dozen goose eggs, at a single sitting."
"Do you know our program?"
"What is it?"
"We give four shows every day."
"Oh, yes, I understand that."
"And do you think you can do it?"
"I know I can."
"On Saturdays we give six shows."
"All right."
"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."
And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.
"In that case, I must have one thing understood before
I'd be willing to sign a contract."
"What?"
"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've
got to give me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."
Here's an actual press release from the Libertarian Pary in
the United States.
California decriminalizes Caesar salad and Libertarian Party
cheers "victory"
WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar
salad this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian
Party said today.
"When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar
salad," noted the party's Director of Communications, Bill Winter.
"That's why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have
always been pro-legalization."
Selling Caesar salad became a crime last year when California
legislators passed a new health law banning the sale of food that
used raw eggs as an ingredient. Unexpectedly, the law included
Caesar salad, which uses uncooked eggs in its unique dressing.
Restaurant owners and fans of the popular salad were outraged.
The outcry convinced state legislators to file a new bill to cancel
the criminal status of Caesar salad -- and, presumably, end what
might have become a flourishing black market in contraband romaine
lettuce, raw eggs, and Parmesan cheese.
The bill, signed into law by Governor Pete Wilson on Monday,
has Libertarians cheering -- but a little surprised.
"We have to compliment California legislators for their rare
display of good sense," acknowledged Winter. "Although we're a bit
surprised that they were courageous enough to toss the Caesar salad
law entirely."
Libertarians had expected politicians to take a more timid,
gradual approach, said Winter, perhaps...
* Implementing a five-day waiting period for Caesar salad, so
the government could do a medical background check for raw-egg
allergies.
* Legalizing only "medical Caesar salad" -- whereby people with
a vitamin deficiency could get a doctor's permission to buy a
small amount of Caesar salad for their own personal use.
* Launching an anti-Caesar salad TV advertising blitz, perhaps
with a commercial showing a frying pan, and then showing a frying
pan with a raw egg in it. The voice-over could be: "This is your
brain. This is your brain on Caesar salad."
* Allowing only adults, 21 and over, the right to buy Caesar
salad, on the grounds that it may be an adolescent's gateway-salad
to stronger stuff, like macaroni salad or three-bean salad.
But Libertarians say they are delighted with the bold, unexpected
victory over the "Just Say No to Caesar Salad" lobby -- and argue
that it's a win for libertarianism and the American way of life.
"We support the Constitutional right of every American to keep
and bear a Caesar salad -- or, rather, to eat and buy a Caesar
salad," said Winter. "All joking aside, it's a setback for those
political eggheads who think they have the right to micromanage
every aspect of our lives -- down to the type of salad we buy in
a restaurant. Hopefully, politicians will learn to just lettuce
alone."
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and
after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home
to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work.
Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she
has an incredible hand when she notices the time.
"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's
going to be so angry if it's not ready on time."
And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand
forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time,
not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in
the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of
cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs
in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as
her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits
down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for
me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any
old day, mmmmm!"
And that night they had sex for the first time in months
and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about
it and they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking
your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner
and then, afterwards, they would boink like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for
being so callous.
"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food
every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so
calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him.
He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
"If vegetarians love animals so much,
why do they eat all their food?"
Vegetables aren't food.
Vegetables are what food eats.
I didn't climb my way to the top of the food chain
to become a vegetarian.
"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex
in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my
kitchen table."
Stop The Torture of Innocent Plants!
It's no longer good enough (or PC) to be a vegetarian ...
Laboratory plants never have a nice day. They never feel the
sun or the rain or the wind. They never sink their roots into
the earth. And many of them end their lives in a laboratory
blender. This senseless brutality must be stopped!
The Plant Liberation Front demands an end to taxonomism, an
end to discrimination on the basis of phyletic origin. We
demand an extension of the Constitutional right of due process
to all forms of life: no organism shall be deprived of life,
liberty, or habitat without due process of law.
WE DEMAND:
The University must end all experiments on plants immediately.
All experimental plants must be transplanted to a suitable habitat
and allowed to grow unmolested. All plant tissue cultures must be
placed in an appropriate medium for differentiation, and the
resulting plants transplanted to a suitable environment.
The University must end all lawn mowing and tree trimming. STOP
THIS SENSELESS SAPSHED IMMEDIATELY! Its only function is to impose
the esthetic values of Western human culture on plants by force.
The University must end cruelty to food plants. All food plants
must be killed humanely. The brutality of salad bars must be ended,
every day on this campus, innocent plants are being peeled alive,
sliced alive, and put out to be eaten alive.
The University must ban phyletic slurs desensitizing humans to
the rights of plants. We must not allow a human in a coma to be
called a "vegetable." We must root out of the language references
to "fruits" and "nuts," to "corny" humor, and "the pits." Such
terms demean both the plant majority and the human minorities
they are directed against.
All University, corporate, military, and government bureaucracies
and their associated paperwork must be immediately abolished; this
will save the lives of countless millions of trees.
[Editor's Note: Not to mention how much more smoothly the government
will run once it has been abolished.]
Plants must be liberated from human oppression, and from internal
oppression. We demand an immediate end to apical dominance. We
demand equality of genes, an end to the dominant/recessive
relationship, and the immediate inactivation of all regulatory
genes.
The Plant Liberation Front envisions a world in which all genes,
all cells, and all organisms have the freedom to develop to their
full potential, a world free from phyletic chauvinism. To bring
this about, radical ethical, legal and institutional reform is
needed. But the change must begin in our daily lives.
If you love plants, DON'T EAT THEM!
It was a fantastic weekend. A fella down the block
invited the entire neighborhood over for a barbecue to
prime sirloins, T-bones, and filet mignons. It just
shows you what can happen when a person's heart opens
up and his freezer breaks down.
A young kid was going down the road pulling his wagon.
He meets this old farmer who is pushing a wheelbarrow full
of manure. The kid asked him where he going.
The old farmer replied "Goin' over to put this on my
strawberries."
The kid says, "Geez mister, you should come to our house.
We put cream and sugar on ours."
A man walks into a shop and asks for a packet of
helicopter crisps.
The shopkeeper replies, "I'm sorry. We've only got plane."
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as
a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother
after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the
office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the
kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie,
giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny
came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father,
who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said,
"It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
A popular evening class at my local community college is
"Introduction to Wines," a course in which students learn
correct pairings of wine and food.
After sampling some German wines, the professor pointed
to a male enrolee and asked, "What do you think would go
well with this Riesling?"
The man paused a moment, then replied, "A date?"
Cassie was taking two of her Grandsons on their very first
train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.
A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something
neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag.
The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into
his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train
emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and
said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" replied the curious brother.
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned
with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the
tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch
and chit-chatted.
Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother
talked to him.
"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his
mother asked.
"Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied
Johnny.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get
excited, ma, I used the old one!"
A Wildlife photographer friend of ours accompanied us to a
restaurant and regaled us with stories of the strange things
he has eaten while on assignment in tropical rain forests.
One Christmas he was on an expedition far from home and shared
a meal with some natives.
As he contemplated the main course of large white grubs,
he thought sadly of the typical American feast he was missing.
One of the locals who had been traveling with him notice his
melancholy mood.
"I know what you are feeling," the man sympathized.
"The grubs in my village are better too."
Lifesavers Least Popular Flavours.
Disembowlmint
Marion-Berry
Rocky Roadkill
Fruit-of-the-Loom
Sonny 'N' Cherry
Urinal Mint
Headcheese
Suck This
3-Minute Epoxy
Rashberry
A baker is just getting ready lock his front door when
a man rushes up.
"I need to have a cake made right now!" he exclaims.
"I'm sorry," replies the baker. "But I was just closing
up. I've dismissed my staff; I've shut down my machines;
I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."
"I can't wait until tomorrow!" insists the man. "It's
absolutely imperative that this cake be made right now!"
The baker always liked to think of himself as a nice guy,
so he says, "All right, I'll see what I can do."
He goes inside and turns all his appliances back on. He
then approaches the counter and ties on his apron.
"Okay, what is it you need?"
The man whips out a sketch from his pocket. It's a very
well drawn depiction of a cake. "It has to look just like
this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, one foot long,
and six inches tall. White frosting, blue icing, and a red
cursive "S" in the middle. Just like this."
Somewhat startled, the baker ponders the sketch for a few
moments and replies. "I think I can do that. It will be
ready in about half an hour."
"Half an hour!?" exclaims the man. "That won't do. I need
this in fifteen minutes."
"Fifteen minutes?" responds the baker. "I'm not sure I
can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that
fast if I used some pre-made dough. It wouldn't taste as
good but..."
"I don't care. Just get to it, please," blurts the man,
while checking his watch frantically.
So the baker goes back and makes the cake. He works
faster than he ever has before, and somehow produces the
cake in just under fifteen minutes. He presents it to
the man fresh out of the oven.
"Will this be sufficient?" he asks.
The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks
the length, width, and height very carefully. He then
compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes
across his face.
"No no!" he exclaims. "The 's' is the wrong shade of red!
It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I
do now??"
"Calm down," says the baker. "If the shade really is a
problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more
minutes..."
"You can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well please, get going!"
So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "S".
A few minutes later he brings it back to the visibly distraught
man. "There you go. Is this what you were looking for?" he asks.
Once again the man scrutinizes the cake, checking every detail.
He compares the shades of red, and this time decides they're all
right.
"Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."
"Of course," says the baker, hastily readying the cash register.
"Now, the boxes we have available are over here. Do you want
to pick one out?"
"Oh no, that won't be necessary," answers the man.
"I'll eat it here."
A father, visiting America from Europe for the very first
time, goes up and down the aisles with his son at the local
Giant Food Store.
Dad: "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have
fresh orange juice."
A few minutes later, in a different aisle:
Dad: "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have
fresh milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle:
Dad: "Vat a country, vat a country! Look here!!
Baby Powder!!"
A couple run a small Chinese restaurant, work very hard
indeed, and live above the shop. One night (late, a very
busy evening) they are lying in bed. The wife is dead to
the world but the husband can't sleep, is restless, and
about 3.00 am starts feeling horny. So he gives his
snoring wife 2 minutes of dedicated elbow in the ribs.
She wakes up, "Whaaa...??"
"I fancy a . . . 69!!!"
She sits boltright up in bed, "I'm not makin' any lemon
chicken this time of night!"
ITALIAN FOOD,
by Liz Anya, Manny Kotty, Minnie Stroni and Lynn Guini
THE TIN CAN COOKBOOK,
by Billie Gote
STOMACH CRAMPS,
by Henrietta Greenapple
TIME TO EAT,
by Dean R. Bell
"Ever since I ate those oysters last night,
my stomach's been giving me fits!"
"Were they fresh oysters?
"How would I know?"
"Did they smell unusual when you took them out
of the shell?
"You mean I was supposed to take them out of
the shell???"
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud
young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and
everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up
with his fork, held it up and smirked, "Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly, "Which end
of the fork are you referring to?"
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked
bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe
the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger,
apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may
break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
I was horrified. When are tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered
should make anyone think twice...
1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and
influenza ravaged whole nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
24 hours of eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than
that in one month!
6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and
osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after
only two days.
8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and
even cold cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body
is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread
could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive
food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding
person.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less
than one minute.
12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless
statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which
may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares
about this crucial issue.
Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
Uncle Jack and Aunty Mable
Fainted at the breakfast table.
Let this be an awful warning
Not to do it in the morning.
Ovaltine has put them right
Now they do it morn and night
Uncle Jack is hoping soon
To do it in the afternoon.
Hark the herald angels sing
Ovaltine is a damned good thing.
What kind of girl does a hamburger go for?
Any girl named Patty.
What opera is about hamburgers?
The Barbecue of Seville.
What dance does a hamburger love?
The char-char.
Why are hamburgers better than hot dogs?
Because hot dogs are the wurst.
What is a hamburger's favorite story?
Hansel and Gristle.
Rejected breakfast cereals
Queerios
you pour milk on them and they eat themselves!
Prostitutties
After you pour milk on them, they don't "snap, crackle
& pop", they just lay there and bang!
A few years ago Sunday Morning had a feature about a
woman who took over a restaurant in rural Nebraska and
was determined to introduce the locals to better and
more adventurous foods. To her surprise, the farmers
took well to French and Italian dishes. But one item
she could not persuade the locals to eat was sprouts.
As one old farmer said, "I've been a farmer all of
my life, and I know silage when I see it."
Mary: Do you like raisin bread?
Harry: Don't know. Never raised anything but cucumbers.
It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one fat...
it's the seconds.
Destiny shapes our ends, but our middles are of our own chewing.
Definition of a pickle:
A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.
Mama corn to baby corn...the stalk brought you.
ODE TO SPAM
When the battle cry is over and the smoke has cleared away
Historians pick their pens up to record each bloody day;
Some will tell of sieges, some of great retreats
But always there is one who'll dwell on what the soldiers eat.
When he makes that diary of beans, hard tack and stew
There's one thing he'll have to mention & devote a page or two;
It won't be fried potatoes, or cans of southern yam
T'will be this army's standby...that mystery meat called Spam.
Jackson had his acorns, Grant his precious rye,
Teddy had his poison beef...worse you couldn't buy;
The doughboy had his hardtack, sans this modern army's jam;
All armies on their stomachs move, this one moves on Spam.
For breakfast they will fry it, at dinner it is baked;
For supper...what a delicacy...they have it paddycaked,
Next morning it's with flapjacks, or maybe powdered eggs;
Where the hell they get it all? They must order it by kegs.
Oh, you haven't seen the last of it there's plenty yet to go;
For dinner it's in a GI pan, with a lovely crust of dough;
Perhaps you didn't like it, it has you in a rash
But if you're specially watchful, it's in the supper hash!
Next morning's winding chow-line leaves you just regrets.
You never would have believed it, now it's Spam Croquettes!
And when at noon, as you return, to get your ration dole
Your eyes bulge out, you start to swear, it's Spam in Casserole.
Surely for this evening's meal they will cook up something new.
But these cooks sure are uncanny...now it's in the stew.
And thus this endless circle goes, it never seems to cease.
Spam in stew, Spam in pie, and Spam in boiling grease.
We've had it tucked in salads with cabbage for corned beef.
We've had it for an entree, perhaps an aperitif;
We've had it with spaghetti, with chili and with rice,
I remember such a happy day - we only had it twice.
An old lady is sitting in front her TV knitting and watching
when she hears a knock on the door. When she opens it, there
is a salesman standing on her doorstep.
She asks, "Yes?"
The salesman explains that he is selling watermelons for a
delivery service, and that every other day, they would deliver
a watermelon to her doorstep.
"My that's a splendid idea." the old woman says, so she
signs up. The salesman tells her that she would receive her
first watermelon in two days, then he leaves.
Well, two days go by, and no watermelon. Four days, no
watermelon. Six days, still no watermelon.
The old lady calls up the watermelon delivery service, and
demands, "Where are my watermelons?"
They explain that they have been delivering them to her
doorstep for the past couple of days, so they ask if there
are any people that might walk by her doorstep, thinking that
it's theirs.
She says, "Why yes, I share my front porch with my new next
door neighbours."
The people on the phone also tell her that in order to
eliminate any confusion, they always write the initials of the
customer on the watermelons, so whomever has been taking them,
was probably knowingly stealing them. They tell her that maybe
she should find out from her neighbours, if they have been
taking the watermelons.
By now, she's furious! She hangs up the phone and hobbles
over to the next door neighbour's front door and knocks it
with her cane. A big hairy guy in a t-shirt and holding a
beer can answers.
She asks, "Sonny, have you been stealing my watermelons?"
The guy explains that he doesn't know what the hell she's
talking about, so the big guy calls down his son, and asks
him if he knows what happened to the watermelons.
The son says proudly, "Yes I done took the watermelons,
and I et dem!"
The man furiously takes off his belt, puts his son over his
knee and gets ready to give the poor boy a whippin' like he's
never had before.
Before the boy could finish his explanation, "But Dad, on
da watermelons, it said on dem..." the father gives the boy
several lashes with the belt. The kid's screaming and crying,
arms and legs are flailing about.
After that was all over, the father sent the boy up to his
room. He got out his chequebook, and explained to her that
he would pay for the watermelons, and that the boy would not
steal them any more. So he asked the old woman to whom he
should write the check out to.
She replies, "Oh just write it out to me. My full name is...
Esther Alice Thomson."
You Really Don't Wanna Know...
What they mean by "chicken parts" on the list of ingredients
in hot dogs
What the "other" is in "palm, soybean, lard, or other oils"
What salad bars were like before "sneeze guards"
How "aged" your steak really is
How somebody found out that licking frogs (and only a very
specific species of frog) had hallucinogenic effects
How many inferior red food-coloring agents were used before
chemists stumbled on an extract from the Guatemalan banana
beetle
That "monosodium glutamate" is actually worse than it sounds
What the sources are for all those ingredients in multi-vitamin
tablets
How the heck hamburger gets contaminated with e-coli bacteria
in the first place!
What other techniques were tried before early cheese makers
discovered that the scrapings from the inside of a calf's
stomach would curdle milk
What kind of animal a "salisbury" is
Why with all the folds, cracks, crevices, and layers on a head
of lettuce that you never find even the smallest bug or worm
Why the "Ground Fresh Today" sticker on the package of
hamburger meat doesn't have a date stamp. And the one that
says "Ground Fresh Monday," doesn't say which Monday.
Why the Department of Agriculture had to set a limit of "four
and one-half gnats or parts thereof" in a 16 ounce jar of apple
sauce
If "You can't believe it's not butter!" then what is it really?
What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?
You can't get kids to eat broccoli.
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son
pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he
spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the
boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
My oldest Granddaughter Christina, loves to play lil' Mommie
with the Grandkids younger than her. She even "fixed" breakfast
for her brother and her cousin.
When Jimmy was not eating his toast, and Laine was not eating
his Rice Krispies, she admonished them with, "Jimmy! Eat your
toast, it's almost cold. And Laine! Eat your cereal, it's almost
quiet."
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
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