Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,
Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover. Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of
Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Consumer Reports Magazine
Evaluates GIRLFRIENDS:
Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed
girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new
features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has
changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was
needed. As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you
need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part,
dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an
intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just
lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first,
and most important, step in selecting a girl-friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how
much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your
physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have
a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the
resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if
you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are
more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering
your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend
can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating
expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase*
with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get
a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly
speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age Used or New
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)
Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will
rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used
girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid
models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).
Much greater than the average may be an indication that the
girlfriend was a professional.
Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern
will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup
on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other
accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which
come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while
chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of
accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others
(such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.(Not sure if this
is true...)
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test
ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range
from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively
hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable
"Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling,
stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are:
how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag?
Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery
time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live
in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have
access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a
girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were
performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included
a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns
surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating
each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit,
humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within
each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Category Comments
Goddess - This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with
all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue
subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball,
understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed.
No mental or hysical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not
actually available.
Goddess-in-law - This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother,
an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey
hairs.
Ms. Right - The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.
Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the
wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term
investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be
found with luck. Usually shows up when you are not looking or is a
friend or relative of current girlfriend.
Babe - This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
long-term girlfriend needs. Extremely high maintenance, this is wallet
taker.
Friend - The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you
wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is excellent, often the
last ones in the tavern. Has a chameleon like character after several
beers are consumed. Can look like Babe going into the test drive, but
will return to friend status come early a.m. after test drive is over.
Yeah, Her The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful
as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to
be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting
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