Marriage Jokes

Marriage Jokes

The real truth about love and marriage!

Here are a few examples of Before and After you fall In love:

Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating

Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month

Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

Before - Lucy and Ricky
After - Fred and Ethyl

Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football

Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start

Before - Is that all your having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

Before - Its like I'm living In a dream
After - Its like he lives In a dorm

Before - $60/doz.
After - $1.50/stem

Before - Turbo charged
After - Jump start

Before - We agree on everything
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria Secret
After - Fruit of the Loom

Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl

Before - Feathers and handcuffs
After - Ball and chain

Before - Idol
After - Idle

Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat

Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship Is going nowhere

Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant

Before - You look so seductive In black
After - Your clothes are so depressing

Before - Oysters
After - Fishsticks

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

Before - Passion
After - Ration

Before - Once upon a time
After - The end


The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for
the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

  1. Have dinner ready:  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time.  This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a
good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

  2. Prepare yourself:  Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in
your hair and be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people.  Be a little merry and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a lift.

  3. Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part
of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school
books, toys, paper, etc.  Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift too.

  4. Prepare the children:  Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.

  5. Minimize the noise:  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum.  Try to encourage the
children to be quiet.  Be happy to see him.  Greet him with a warm
smile and be glad to see him.

  6. Some DON'TS:  Don't greet him with problems or complaints.  Don't
complain if he's late for dinner.  Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

  7. Make him comfortable:  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair
or suggest he lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink
ready for him.  Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.  Allow him to relax
and unwind.

  8. Listen to him:  You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first.

  9. Make the evening his:  Never complain if he does not take you out
to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to
understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home
and relax.

 10. The Goal:  Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.

               Now the updated version for the '90s woman.

  1. Have dinner ready:  Make reservations ahead of time.  If your day
becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding
where you'd like to eat and at what time.  This lets him know that
your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your

  2. Prepare yourself:  Take 15 minutes to prepare the proper image 
for when he arrives.  Even if you've been watching the soaps all 
day, make sure you're wearing a work shirt and sweat band.  Give the 
appearance that you've been slaving away in the yard, cleaning the 
house, or even washing clothes. Spread detergent, dirt, or other 
household agents around to improve the illusion.  Spraying oven 
cleaner in the air adds to the effect nicely.

  3. Clear away the clutter:  Call the housekeeper and let her know
you'll need her for an extra day this week.  Tell her that any
miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed
in the Goodwill box in the garage.

  4. Prepare the children:  Don't play with the children all day.  
Assure them that daddy will play with them as soon as he gets home.
Cap guns, super-soakers, and 'Barney' karaoke machines are excellent 
toys for tots 'and' dad.

  5. Minimize the noise:  When he arrives at home remind him that the
washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

  6. Some DON'TS:  Don't greet him with problems and complaints.  Let
him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner.  Don't complain if he's
late for dinner.  Simply remind him that the last one home does the
cooking and the cleanup.

  7. Make him comfortable:  Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
blanket if he's cold.  This will really show you care.

  8. Listen to him:  But don't ever let him get the last word.

  9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
disposal fixed.

 10. The Goal:  To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
that you make more money than he does.

Marriage is like an enema.  
You get out of it what you put into it, plus a lot of crap.

  A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds. The next day he 
received 100 responses. 
They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."

Husband--One who has several small mouths to feed and one big mouth to
listen to.

How is marriage like a hot bath? 
Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

  Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

  The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying. 
  "What's wrong?" she asked.
  "Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me 
that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 
years?", he said.
  "Yes", she responded "So what".
  "I would have gotten out of prison today", he sobbed.

How can you tell you're getting old?
Your spouse starts trusting you.

  A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with 
his son.  Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing 
down.  After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out 
the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
  The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand 
women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told 
me to go fly a kite!"

How can you tell if your wife is dead?  
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? 
The sex is the same but you get the remote. 

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
  Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, 
then go to bed.  
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go 
to the refrigerator.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.

Marriage is a grand affair and divorce is about a 10 grand affair.

  At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you 
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
  The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

  Married life is very frustrating.
  In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
  In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
  In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

  There are four types of sex in a marriage:

  Kitchen Sex.
  This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex 
   Anywhere, anytime.  Hence, in the kitchen.

  Bedroom Sex.
  You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta 
  do it in the bedroom.
  Hallway Sex.
  This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say 
  "Fuck you."

  Courtroom Sex.
  This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front 
  of everyone in court.

  A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts 
in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?". 
  She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have 
the breasts of a 25 year old." 
  The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year 
old ass?" 
  She replied, "I'm sorry my dear, your name never came up." 

What's the difference between marriage and prison?
 1) In prison, dinner doesn't come from the microwave.
 2) Nothing.
 3) Lower utility bills in prison.
 4) More sex in prison.
 5) Nobody yells about toilet lid position in prison.
 6) Junk mail is appreciated in prison.
 7) Better opportunities for autographs in prison.
 8) Unless you are a politician, fewer bounced checks returned from
    your roommate in prison.
 9) More free time in prison.
10) Unless you're in Kentucky, fewer in-laws in prison.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage and after marriage.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher to match
the stove and refrigerator..

  Freon, the now-banned refrigerant used in car air conditioners, 
has emerged as the second-biggest smuggling problem, behind drugs, 
for U.S. customs agents along the Mexican border.  Through the first 
six months of this year, customs agents in Texas stopped more than 
60 Freon smuggling attempts, confiscating 4,380 pounds of gas worth 
about $110,000.
  When captured smugglers were asked, "What caused you to enter this 
life of crime," over 85% of them responded, "My wife told me to do it."

Wives can suffer in silence louder than anybody in the world!

A macho male said to his wife. "We're not going out Saturday
night, and that's semi-final!"

  A woman went to her physician and complained that her husband  
talked in his sleep. 
  The physician said, "I'll give you a mild sedative."  
  The woman said, "Give me something to stay awake. I don't want 
to miss a thing!"

  They say that after years of marriage, husbands and wives begin
to look alike.  I'm getting worried!

  His wife gave him the choice of a new spring wardrobe or a
nervous breakdown!

  Jim's wife complained about not being wanted, so he went to the
post office and put up her picture!

  "Have you been married a long time?"
  "Long enough to know that there are lots of things you can't 
  say with flowers!"

  Tim says, "My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can
out of vacuum cleaner!

  Pete commented, "If my wife dies, I'm going to marry her sister
so I don't have to break in another mother-in-law."

  The last fight was my fault.  Sue asked, "What's on the TV?"
  I said, "Dust!"

  Harry's wife's a terrible cleaner.  She keeps clogging up the
  dishwasher with paper plates!

  A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
  "Stop! Stand still!  If you take one more step, a brick will 
fall down on your head and kill you."
  The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.  
The man was astonished.  
  He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.  
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one 
more step a car will run over you and you will die."  
  The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening 
around the corner, barely missing him.
  "Where are you?" the man asked.  "Who are you?"
  "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
  "Oh yeah?" the man asked.  "And where the hell were you when I 
got married?"

  Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields 
with his dad.
  Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's "Papa, you do many 
many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
  "Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger?  You usea 
thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? 
You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, 
you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you 
use to picka you nose.  And the  middle finga, well, I'lla tella 
you about thata one when you getta married."
  Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past.  It was now 
Tony's wedding day.  It was a beautiful wedding, just before the 
bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
  Tony said  "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what 
I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose 
with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from 
the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle
  Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonight you will make mad 
hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when 
that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea 
the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you 
poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'"

  It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find 
out next morning it was someone else. -- Rogers

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. -- Chekhov

  The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of 
a deaf man to a blind woman. -- Coleridge

  Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the 
arms of a chambermaid as a duchess. -- Dr. Johnson

If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. 
  -- Haskins

A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood 
 there himself. -- Du Bois

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.
 -- Moliere

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of 
the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. -- Goethe

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. -- Butler

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this 
to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
  -- Nietzsche

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from
 achieving them. -- Dumas

Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
 given them little.  -- Dr.Johnson

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 
"What does a woman want? --Freud

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to 
get in, and those inside desperate to get out. -- Montaigne

For a male and female to live continuously together is... 
biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition.
 -- Robert Briffault

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying
 for it. -- Baskins

A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your 
 spouse would have really preferred.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

My husband says that black underwear turns him on...
So I haven't washed any in months.

  Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed 
to make her look years younger.  After a lengthy sitting before 
the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling,
honestly what age would you say I am?"
  Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your
skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
  "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
  "Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted.  "I haven't added them
up yet."

I brought home a girl just like mom...Dad hated her.

  One of my neighbors sure learned a lesson last year on Valentine's
Day.  He gave this card to his wife extolling her virtues, beauty,
and charm; said how lucky he was to have her; that he didn't deserve
such a good woman.  Seems the more she thought about it, the more
she agreed with him.  She left him before the end of the month.

My wife and I never got along.  She was a water sign, I'm an earth sign.  
Together we made mud.

How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife?
Her pet name is "Spot".

What do you call a man who has an angel for a wife?
A widower.

  Two men comparing their wives, "My wife is an absolute angel."
  "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing:  either the car is new or the wife is.....

BARTENDER:  I think you've had enough sir.
DRUNK:      I just lost my wife, buddy
BARTENDER:  Well, it must be hard losing a wife...
DRUNK:      It was almost impossible

  This guy goes to a party without his wife.  He hears this other guy 
say to his wife pass the sugar, Honey.  and pass the honey, Sugar.  
He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea.  So, the morning when 
he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, Pass the 
bacon, Pig.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her 

  A gypsy talking to a young woman: "Prepare yourself, your husband 
is about to die a very violent death."
  "What I want to know is, will I be acquitted?"

What does a wife say to her husband before having sex?
"Make sure you cover me up when you're through." 

How is marital sex like a 7-11?
Not much variety, but at 3 a.m., it's always there.

hat four letter word describes what married couples do in bed?

Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
A: It has the same centerfold every month.

  Wife tells husband that if he doesn't smarten up she'll cut him off.
  He asked, "How you gonna do that? You don't even know where I'm 
getting it!"

  One man told his wife: "I feel ten years younger after I shave in 
the morning."
  "Did you ever think of shaving before going to bed?" she responded.

If you are afraid of all the social diseases, but can't seem to give 
up sex...Get married, and taper off.

  "How soon can I have sex after the operation, doc?"
  "Right away, but only with your spouse, I don't want you to 
get too excited."

  Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

  Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to
"handle" a woman.  Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them.

  You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

  Employer to job candidate:  "I hire only married people. They're less
likely to go home early."

Is it wrong to have sex before you're married?
Only if it makes you late for the ceremony.

When I got married I knew what happiness was --
but then it was too late.

Joe meeting Bob "How do you feel now when you are married?"
Bob "Exactly as before - but more often!"

  We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable.
Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.

  According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

  Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's
better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?

  I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back.  It was my

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are WANTED!

If you're married, what's the best way to improve your sex life?

  I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
  --David Bissonette

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
  --Noel Coward, 1956

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to 
let him keep her.  --Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in
Europe.  --Jackie Mason

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.  --Hemant Joshi

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep. 

how do you paralyze a women from the waist down?
marry her!

I took my wife to a wife swapping party,
and I had to throw in cash!

Actually, it was all a mistake.  I was drunk and I said to her "Will 
you carry me?" and of course she thought I said "...

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree 
and the woman get her master's.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness 
was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives 
and the wife takes.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.  But when a 
ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

A playgirl is out for pin money, but she doesn't sew!

She won't play ball unless the man furnishes the diamond!

He's a born playboy.  If he was the sheik of a harem, he'd still
have a girl on the side!

She's a popular girl.  She knows how to play tennis, golf, and dumb!

He believes in love at first sight. It saves time!

He's every pinch a gentleman!

One playboy got himself in trouble calling a girl his sugar. He
ended up paying a lump sum.

It is said that married men live longer than single men.
It's not true - it just seems longer.

Marriage is like a tornado...starts with sucking and blowing, and then 
you wind up loosing your house.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

I don't worry about terrorism.  I was married for two years.
  - Sam Kinison

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth 
shut and his checkbook open.  - Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.  - Groucho Marx

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for 
another thing, they die earlier.  - H. L. Mencken

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible 
for those who have had any experience with them.  - H. L. Mencken

Bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.  - Oscar Wilde

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be 
interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

Marriage means commitment.  Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage is like a hot bath.  Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is like a violin.  After the music is over, you still have 
the strings.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy 
the license.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't 
know the first thing about women or fractions.

As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters 
be pointed in the right direction.

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.

`Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch 
the rest of my life.

Make love not war
Do both - get married

Marriage is like a three ring circus.
First comes the engagement ring,
then comes the wedding ring,
then comes the suffer-ring.

It is said that married men live longer than single men.
It's not true - it just seems longer.

Marriage is the only war where you're expected ti sleep with
the enemy.

Remember, maariage isn't just a word...
It's a sentence.

There's only two times in a man's life when he has an imaginary
friend. Once when he's little and again when he's married.

Marriage is based on the honor system.
Get on her and stay on her.

  There was these three blokes talking in the pub. Two of the blokes 
are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, 
while the third bloke remains quiet.
  After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and say's,
"well what about you, what sort of control do you have over or wife".
  The third fellow says "well I'll tell you, Just the other night my 
wife came to me on her hands and knees."
  The first two blokes where amazied. What happened then they asked. 
Well, said the third bloke she said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND 

  A son, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,  "I've 
found a woman just like mother!"
  His father responded, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

  Reminds me of the story about the woman who's husband started acting 
disoriented, so she took him to a psychiatrist.  After an examination, 
the doctor told the wife,
  "I've got bad news for your. Your husband's mind is completely gone.  
There's nothing left."
  "I can't say I'm surprised," she responded. "He's been giving me a piece 
of it every day for the last 25 years."

  Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.  However, her
teacher had written across the bottom:  "Sally is a smart little girl,
but she has one fault.  She talks too much in school.  I have an idea 
I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
  Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
  "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like 
to try it out on her mother."

  Thirsty Tom runs into the local bar one hot summer afternoon and 
yells to the bartender, "I want something tall, cold, and full of gin."
  "Sir," said a very dignified man, "you are speaking of my wife!"

  Two buddies sitting in a bar boasting and bragging as usual.  The 
first one reaches over and runs his hand over the second's quite bald 
  "You know, thats smoother than my wife's ass!"
  The second guy runs his hand over his own head, and responds, "Yup, 
I think you're right!"

  A farmer's wife bends over to pick something up.
  The farmer says, "My God, your ass looks like a 20 foot combine."
  She says nothing.  Later that night he mentions that he'd like to 
get laid.
  She says, "Look, I'm not going to start up a 20 foot combine for 
half an ear of corn!"

  A convicted felon was given ten years w/o parole for his latest 
crime.  After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape.  His escape 
was the lead item on the six o'clock news.  Because he had to be 
careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, 
running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he 
could think of.  Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang 
the bell.  His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You 
good-for-nothing bum !  Where the hell have ya been ???  You 
escaped over six hours ago."

  A guy calls home and happily tells his wife, "I just won the 
lottery, so pack your clothes."
  The wife asks, "Honey, should I pack for a warm climate or a 
cold climate?"
  The husband replies, "I don't give a fuck how you pack, just 
be gone by the time I get home!!"

 A man finally achieved the goal of a lifetime...he became the 
boss of his own company.  Asked if it was all he'd expected it 
to be, he said, "Let me put it this way.  The building code tells 
me what kind of plant to put up.  The union tells me what the 
salaries and the hours should be.  The government makes me deduct 
from paychecks.  My salesmen tell me what they can sell and what 
I should make.  And on top of that, last month I got married!"

  He was a confirmed atheist before he got married, simply could
not be made to believe in hell.  But now that he's married, he 
knows that he was wrong.

  A livestock exhibition was held at a nearby stud farm.
Farmers from all over flocked to see the blue ribbon animals.
  A married couple who came to see the event was standing 
before the stall of a champion Bull. The wife asked the proud
owner how many times a week the bull performed it's stud duties?
  "Oh, it depends," replied the owner. "About four or five times
on the average."
  "Did you hear that?", she turned to her husband, mentally
comparing the latter's sexual performance, "Four or five times
per week!"
  "And how many cows would be serviced by that bull?", the
husband asked the owner.
  "Oh, about four or five cows a week", was the reply.
   "Did you hear that?", remarked the husband, "With a different
cow each time!"

  Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around 
his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife:
  "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones".
  Wife:	No, I can't marry anyone after You.
  Johnson: But I want you to.
  Wife: But why?
  Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

  Once there was a family who were given some venison by a friend. 
The wife cooked up the deer steaks,  and served it to the husband 
and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the 
children guess what it was that they were eating.
  "Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
  "Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
  "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
  "I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes
calls me."
  "Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eatin' Asshole!!"

  So this woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes 
off to work the next day without talking to her but she doesn't care.  
She is busy doing her thing around the house.  All of the sudden, 
around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings.  She goes to the 
door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local 
florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed 
red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband.
  She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!"
  The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady?  You don't like roses?"
  She replies, "Yeh, I like roses, but do you know what this means???"
  He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"
  She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my 
back with my legs in the air."
  He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???"

  A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one
decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He 
tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but 
he was so preoccupied with the  beautiful breasts of the girl to 
the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to 
Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg"!
  An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had 
a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting 
at the breakfast table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you 
please pass the butter"... 
but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"

  The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his
grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when  you first get married, you 
want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.
  Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. 
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When 
you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe 
on your anniversary.
  The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about 
you and Grandma now?"
  His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
  "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
  "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go 
to bed in my bedroom.  And she yells, 'F*ck You', and I hollar back, 
'F*ck You too.'"

  Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Benjamin was instructing 
his attorney  on last- minute changes in his will.
  "I wish to leave everything I own, stocks, bonds, property, art 
and money to my wife.  However, there is one stipulation".
 "And that is?" queried the attorney.
  "In order to inherit, she must marry again within six months of 
my death".
  The lawyer seemed puzzled and asked, "Why make such an unusual
  Mr. Benjamin answered, "Because I want *someone* to be sorry I died."

  While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant 
for lunch.  The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't 
miss them until they were back on the highway.  By then, they had to 
travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.  
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. 
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to 
retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you 
may as well get my hat, too."

  She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a 
few seconds.
  "Who was it?" he asked.
  "My husband," she replied.
  "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
  "Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in 
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

  A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realise this is 
only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?"
  "Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily.
  "Her obstetrician" replied the young man.

  A guy came home early one day and found his wife in bed with 
another man.
  "Who the hell is this?" asked the husband furiously.
  "Good question," answered the wife. "Say, fella, what's your name?"

  Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, 
and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single!

  Tactful husband who forgot: "But, Dear, how can you expect me to
remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

  I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait 
of her covered with jewels.
  Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his 
next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

  An older couple was traveling when they were stopped by a state 
trooper. The trooper told the husband that he was stopped for 
  "What'd he say?" asked the near deaf wife.
  "HE SAYS HE PULLED US OVER FOR SPEEDING!" answered the husband.
  The officer then told him that he was going to give him a written 
  "What'd he say?" asked the wife.
  "HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO GIVE US A WARNING!" answered the old man.
  The officer returned from his patrol car where he had written a 
warning to the old man and said, "I see by your driver's license 
you're from Wyoming. I used to date a girl from Wyoming....meanest 
witch I ever knew."
  "What'd he say?" asked the old women.

  Armed by a pep talk from a stranger he'd met at a bar, a man went 
home and bellowed to his wife, "From now on, I'm the king of this 
castle.  My word is law.  When I want to eat, you'll run in and cook.  
When I want my bath, you start the water. We can start right now. Lay 
out my tuxedo because I'm going out. Alone! And do you know who's 
going to tie my black tie?"
  His wife said softly, "The undertaker!"

  A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags.  "Where are 
you going?", he asked.
  "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me 
$400 to do what I do for you for free!"
  The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing 
HIS bags.
  "What do you think you are doing?", she screamed.
"Going to Las Vegas with you...  I want to see how you live on 
$800 a year!"


  A couple in bed, wife leans over to sleeping husb. and hits him 
several times.
  Husb. "What was that for?!?"
  Wife  "That's for being a lousy lover!" Flips over to go to sleep.
  Husb. picks up bedroom slipper and hits her back several times
  Wife  "What was that for!?!?!?"
  Husb. "THAT'S for knowin' the difference!!!!"

  A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After the
check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said "If you don't do 
the following, your husband will die:
  1) Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
     work in a good mood.
  2) At lunch make him a warm and nutritious meal and put him in a
     good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
  3) For dinner fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him
     with household chores.
  4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

  On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
  She replied "You're going to die."

Man #1: *sob*  
Man #2: What's the matter?
Man #1: My wife said that she wouldn't talk to me for 30 days!
Man #2: So why are you crying?
Man #1: Tomorrow's the last day!!

Marriage is:
  like a midnight phone get a ring, and then you wake up.
  nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
  like a railroad sign...first you stop, then you look, then you listen.

Humor is the lubricant, the oil, that keeps the engine of marriage 
from getting overheated.

  Now that they've retired, my mother and father are discussing 
all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before 
you do?" Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd 
probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other 
single or widowed women who might be a little younger than 
herself, since she is so active for her age.
  Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
  He replied, "Probably the same thing."

  This yuppie couple in Coumbia Maryland started their own computer
business and for a while did really well.  Then business started
dropping off.  During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
  "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place,
we could fire the maid."
  The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh Yeah ???  Well, if you'd learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur AND the gardener."

  Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is 
that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around 
the house.  Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

  Regarding the Orgasm Pill, an actual conversation in our house...
HUSBAND: Oh.  Now that they've developed an orgasm pill, I guess 
         I'll be replaced.
WIFE: Not until they invent a pill that brings home a paycheck.

  The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck
with the witness.  "Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him 
every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.
  "We certainly did."
  "And he said, `Yes, dear, you're right,' and dozed off!"

 A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of 
their sudden death.  The leader of the discussion said, "We will 
all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did 
we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that 
inevitable event."
  "Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."
T  hen the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you 
knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, 
and then the Great Judgment Day?"
  A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister 
the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their 
  "Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members 
agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
  One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate 
all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and 
my fellow man with a greater conviction."
  "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group
members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
  But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, 
"I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."
  Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, 
"Why you mother-in-laws home?"
  Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that 
would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

  On their twentieth wedding anniversary a couple took a trip across
country. While driving near Niagra Falls, they came upon a sign that
said, "Wishing Well---Next Left."
  Though somewhat dubious, the husband and wife took the next left 
and pulled over beside an old stone well.  Getting out, the man read 
the instructions and, leaning over the well, threw in a penny and made 
a wish.  Then his wife did likewise. However, when she leaned over she
lost her balance, tumbled into the well and drowned.
  Stepping back, the man remarked, "Hey, it really works!".

  A woman who had been married and divorced four times was invited 
by a friend to go hear a professor from the local college speak on 
love and marriage.  She listened intently.  Afterwards, her friend 
asked her what she thought of the lecture.
   "Well," she said, "I wish I knew as little about the subject 
as he did."

  Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with 
friends.  You order what you want, then when you see what the 
other has, you wish you had ordered that.

  A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get 
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying 
for it."

Young son: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of the Asia a man 
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" 
Father: "That happens in most countries, son."

Q: What's a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

  A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday 
morning service.  After the benediction he had planned to call 
the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the 
congregation.  For the life of him, he couldn't think of the 
names of those who were to be married.
  "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?",
he requested.
  Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, 
and six single men stepped to the front.

   After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was 
a fool when I married you."
  And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."

 It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he 
still ends up with the same boss.

  A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted". Next 
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

  A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
 millionaire."  "And what was he before you married him." Asked 
the friend.
  The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

  Not a lot of people know this but there are two gates to heaven 
for men. One labled "henpecked men" and the other "non-henpecked 
men".  There is a massive queue at the henpecked gate.....Every 
type of man ranging from the small weedy type to huge musclebound 
neanderthals. There is only one thin, short spotty man in a rain 
coat, holding a women's purse standing in the non-henpecked line. 
St. Peter goes to him and asks why are you in this line?
  The man said, "my wife told me to stand here".

  A father was talking to his son just before the son's marriage, 
explaining what the son could be looking forward to in his marriage.
  He said, "Son, in the very beginning, it's tri-weekly.  After you've 
been married ten years or so, it's try weekly.  But then after your 
silver anniversary, it's try weakly."

  A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above 
the speed limit.  He notices a police car with its red lights on in his 
rear view mirror.  He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it 
and the race is on.  The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 
90 miles and hour.   Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy 
figures "what the heck," and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.
  The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.  
He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and 
I just want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
  The man though for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran 
off with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear view 
mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give 
her back to me!"

  I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married...
and then it was too late.

  A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem
doctor." Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out 
this earsplitting yell."
  "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see 
what the  problem is."
  "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

  It is the 50th anniversary night and the wife ask her husband 
while naked in bed. Honey! Do you remember what you were thinking 
about 50 years ago?  
  He says yes! I was thinking I would like to suck your tits dry and 
fuck your brains out!
  She questions, "and now what are you thinking?     
  "Well," he says, "It looks like I succeded."

  There were these two farmers, one was very wealthy and the other
was poor.  Well it just happen to be that there wifes had birthdays
on the same day.
 The poor farmer said to the wealthy farmer, "What do you plan on
getting your wife for her birthday tomorrow?"
  Well he says, "I'm going to get her a Mercedes and a Mink coat".
  Why are you getting her a Mercedes AND a Mink coat?, says the poor
  That way, if she doesn't like the mink coat, she can drive herself
to the store to return it!
RF: By the way, what do you plan on getting your wife tomorrow?
PF: A pair of slippers and a dildo.
RF: Why the dildo?
PF: That way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck

  A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed 
mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery 
road.  His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.  
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and 
kept repeating, "Why did you die?  Why did you die?"
  The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt
and pain is more than I've ever seen before.  For whom do you 
mourn so deeply?  Your Child?  A parent?  Who, may I ask, lies 
in that grave?"
  The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband!...
Why did you die?  Why did you die?"

To My Dear Wife,

  During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365
times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once
every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not
succeed more often:

  1. We will wake the children                       17 times
  2. It's too late                                   15 times
  3. I'm too tired                                    5 times
  4. It's too early                                  52 times
  5. It's too hot                                    15 times
  6. Pretending to be asleep                         49 times
  7. The neighbors will hear us                       9 times
  8. Backache                                         2 times
  9. Headache                                        26 times
 10. Sunburn                                         10 times
 11. Your mother will hear us                        36 times
 12. Not in the mood                                 21 times
 13. You will wake the baby                          17 times
 14. Watching the late show                           7 times
 15. Too sore                                         9 times
 16. New hairdo                                       6 times
 17. Wrong time of the month                         14 times
 18. You had to go to the toilet                     19 times

  Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not always
satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you
reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you
told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to
wake you up to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid
I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To my Dear Husband,

  I think you have gotten things a little confused. Here
are the real reasons you did not get more than you did:

 1. Came home drunk and tried to F**K the cat        14 times
 2. Did not come home at all                         36 times
 3. Did not come                                     21 times
 4. Came to soon                                     33 times
 5. Went soft before you got it in                   19 times
 6. Toes in a cramp                                  16 times
 7. Working to late                                  38 times
 8. You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat      28 times
 9. Got in a fight, somebody kicked you in the balls 11 times
10. Caught it in your zipper                         15 times
11. Got a cold, your nose kept running               21 times
12. Your tea was to hot, you burnt your tongue        9 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger                11 times
14. Lost the notion after thinking about it all day  20 times
15. Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book  27 times

  Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still 
was because you missed and were F**King the sheets. I wasn't
talking about the cracks in the ceiling, what I said was
"Would you prefer me on my back on kneeling?"
  The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was
trying to breath.

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