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The 12 Days of Christmas December 14, 1993 Dearest John, I went to the door today and the post today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift!! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes December 15, 1993 Dearest John, Today the postman brought your sweet gift. Just imagine...two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your thoughtfulness. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16, 1993 My dear John, Oh, aren't you the extravagent one? Now i really must protest. I dont deserve such generosity...three French Hens!!! They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes December 17, 1993 Dear John, Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful...but don't you think enough is enough? You are being TOO romantic. Love, Agnes December 18, 1993 Dearest John, What a suprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings... one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. But all those birds squawking is beginning to get on my nerves. With love, Agnes December 19, 1993 Dear John: What goes on? When I opened the door today there were actually six geese alaying on my front steps! So, you're back to the birds again, huh? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny anymore. So STOP already. Sincerely, Agnes December 20, 1993 John: What's with you and the fucking birds? Seven swans aswimming? What kind of Goddamn joke is this? There's shit and water all over the place from the swans--the neighbors are talking about an eviction notice and I'm up to my ass in bird shit, so knock it off! AGNES... December 20, 1993 OKAY BUSTER I think I prefer the birds...what the hell am I going to do with eight maids milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but they had to bring the Goddamn cows! There's shit all over my lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off SMART ASS !!!!!! A. December 22, 1993 Listen Shithead, What are you some kind of sadist??? Now there's nine pipers piping, and FUCK, do they pipe! They've never stopped chasing those maids around since they got here yesterday morning! The cows are getting upset and are stomping all over the screaching birds. Now fuck off... December 23, 1993 You Dirty Prick ! ! ! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I dont know why I call those sluts ladies!! They've been balling the pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and furthermore, they have diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The city commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to show why the building should NOT be condemned. I am calling the cops on you, you bastard!! December 24, 1993 You lousy, Rotten Son-of-a-bitch !!! What's with the eleven lords aleeping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through all the all the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead, they were trampled to death during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you fucking moron! Your eternal enemy! December 25, 1993 Dear Sir: This is to acknowlege your latest gift of 12 drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Smith. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention.. If you should attempt to reach Miss Smith at the sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to have you shot on sight. With this letter, is enclosed a warrent for your arrest. Cordially, Wilson, Jones & Meade Attourneys-at-Law |
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The Twelve Days of Texas On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me A possum in an oak tree. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me Two tumbleweeds and a possum in an oak tree. On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me Three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds and a possum in an oak tree. On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Four oil wells, three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds, and a possum in an oak tree. On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me -five chili beans-, four oil wells, three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds, and a possum in an oak tree. On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Six armadillos, -five chili beans-, four oil wells, three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds and a possum in an oak tree. On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me Seven jalapenos, six armadillos, -five chili beans-, four oil wells, three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds, and a possum in an oak tree. On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Eight enchiladas, seven jalapenos, six armadillos, -five chili beans-, four oil wells, three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds, and a possum in an oak tree. On the nineth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Nine cowboy boots, eight enchiladas, seven jalapenos, six armadillos, -five chili beans-, four oil wells, three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds, and a possum in an oak tree. On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Ten gallon hats, nine cowboy boots, eight enchiladas, seven jalapenos, six armadillos, -five chili beans-, four oil wells, three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds, and a possum in an oak tree. On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me Eleven blueblonnets, ten gallon hats, nine cowboy boots, eight enchiladas, seven jalapenos, six armadillos, -five chili beans-, four oil wells, three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds, and a possum in an oak tree. On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Twelve yellow roses, eleven blueblonnets, ten gallon hats, nine cowboy boots, eight enchiladas, seven jalapenos, six armadillos, -five chili beans-, four oil wells, three pickup trucks, two tumbleweeds, and a possum in an oak tree. |
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THE EIGHT NIGHTS OF HANUKKAH On the first night of Hanukkah, someone sent to me, a warm bagel topped with cream cheese. On the second night of Hanukkah, someone sent to me, two matzoh balls and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese. On the third night of Hanukkah, someone sent to me, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese. On the fourth night of Hanukkah, someone sent to me, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese. On the fifth night of Hanukkah, someone sent to me, five kosher dills, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese. On the sixth night of Hanukkah, someone sent to me, six grandmas cooking, five kosher dills, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese. On the seventh night of Hanukkah, someone sent to me, seven rabbis dancing, six grandmas cooking, five kosher dills, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese. On the eighth night of Hanukkah, someone sent to me, eight fiddlers fiddling, seven rabbis dancing, six grandmas cooking, five kosher dills, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese. OY VEY! |
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12 Days Of Christmas - Cajun Style Day 1....Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it last night with dirty rice an' it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma. Day 2....Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem. Day 3....Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster. Day 4....Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call "calling bird" wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da' way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators. Day 5....Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da' pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup! Day 6.... Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da' house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day. Day 7....Dear Emile, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow. Day 8....Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack--but dey say it wasn't in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las night. Day 9....Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin." Mon Dieux, Emile, what I'm gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green. Day 10....Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don't kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be "ladies dancing" but they doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my out- house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn't good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow. Day 11....Dear Emile, Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we're having a fais-do-do. Da' new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he's having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da' old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don't open it. Day 12....Dear Emile, Me I'm sorry to tell you--but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen's club on the bayou. The floozies--pardon me--ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da' maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We'll probably gross a million dollars next year. |
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The Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me: Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming; Eleven pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union, as called for in their union contract, even though they will not be asked to play a note...); Ten melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling-class system leaping; Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression; Eight economically disadvantaged but still virginal gyno-Americans stealing milk products from enslaved bovine-Americans; Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands; Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products; Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration; (Note: After a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) Four hours of recorded whale songs; Three deconstructionist poets; Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses; And a spotted-owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. |
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The Twelve Bugs of Christmas At the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. At the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Reinstall the software, *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Blame it on the hardware, Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Change the documentation, Blame it on the hardware, Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say it's not supported, Change the documentation, Blame it on the hardware, Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. At the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Tell them it's a feature, Say it's not supported, Change the documentation, Blame it on the hardware, Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade, Reinstall the software, *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. |
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12-DAYS OF TECHNOLOGY BEFORE CHRISTMAS On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me: A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?) On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?) And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!) On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything) Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net) And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?) On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over) Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trival things?) Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?) And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? Whats a pointer error?) On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!) Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold? Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's? Why do you ask?) Two transceiver failures (If I knew which were bad, I would know which to fix!) And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!) On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!) Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!") Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!) Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen..) Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the ceiling!) And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was written?) On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Seven license failures (Expired? When?) Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!) Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?) Four support calls (At least the musak is different this time) Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but...) Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!) And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!) On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!) Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?) Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?) Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?) Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back - DAMN!) Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program) Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?) And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?) On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?) Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?) Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!) Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?) Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?) Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that already.) Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?) Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?) And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!) On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?) Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens room? Why?) Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet here!) Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?) Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus!) Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?) Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before...) Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!) Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?) And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?) On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?) Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?) Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?) Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roomate dial-in?) Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!) Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!) Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling!) Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!) Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!) Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?) And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!) On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be two!) Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppresor supposed to do, anyway?) Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like Xmas lights.) Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before backups?) Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.) Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know it.) Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!) Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!) Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end up with you!) Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backrounds!) Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring...) And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, Norway. We were just talking and were cut off...) |
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Twelve days of Clinton "On the first day of Clinton, he promised we will see a tax cut for you and for me. "On the second day of Clinton, he promised we will see two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the third day of Clinton, he promised we will see three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the fourth day of Clinton, he promised we will see four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the fifth day of Clinton, he promised we will see five folding wings of the Air Force. Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the sixth day of Clinton, he promised we will see six billion in aid to students, five folding wings of the Air Force. Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the seventh day of Clinton, he promised we will see seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the eighth day of Clinton, he promised we will see aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the ninth day of Clinton, he promised we will see `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the tenth day of Clinton, he promised we will see attention to the deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the eleventh day of Clinton, he promised we will see eleven billion for Boris, attention to the deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me. "On the twelfth day of Clinton, he promised we will see twelve jobs for Hillary, eleven billion for Boris, attention to the deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me." |
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Twelve days of hardware upgrades for Windows On the 12th day of Christmas my vendor gave to me 12 days to set up 11 acronyms 10 more megahertz 9 brand new standards 8 more megs of RAM 7 minor upgrades 6 hidden features 5 tons of docs 4 new API's 3 more months of waiting 2 more SCSI drives And a bug fix for Windows NT. |
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Tweleve days of Rednecks (by Jeff Foxworthy) 12 pack of bud 11 wrasling tickets tin of copenhagen 9 years probation 8.....table dancers 7 packs of Redman 6 ...cans of spam 5 flannel shirts 4 Big O tires 3 shotgun shells 2 huntin dogs And some part to a mustang gt |
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Twelve days of kennedy On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? A lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? The Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee etc... On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 12 space invaders 11 ninja masters 10 Nazi soldiers 9 Postal workers 8 right wing loonies 7 corporate interests 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee |
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