Christmas Song Parodies

Computer Wonderland
(to the tune of Winter Wonderland) 
by D M Goldstein

Axes swing, are you listenin'?
Gold and jewels, how they glisten.
A beautiful sight, ADVENTURE at night,
playing in Computer Wonderland.

(Bridge:)
In the KINGDOM we can feed the peasants,
or plot our BIORHYTHM for a year;
Save the universe from Cylons playing STARTREK,
or even try BACKGAMMON if you dare.

Later on, we'll play WUMPUS;
Zing those bats when they thump us.
OTHELLO's just fine, I win every time,
playing in Computer Wonderland.

E-Mail Wonderland
(to the tune of Winter Wonderland) 

Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please read!",
And "answer with speed!".
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day's not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland.

Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
(to the tune of Winter Wonderland) 
  
 Lacy things - the wife is missin,
 Didn't ask - her permission,
 I'm wearin' her clothes,
 Her silk pantyhose,
 Walkin' round in women's underwear.
  
 In the store - there's a teddy,
 Little straps - like spaghetti,
 It holds me so tight,
 Like handcuffs at night,
 Walkin' round in women's underwear.
 
 In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
 He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
 He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"
 "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
 
 Later on, if you wanna,
 We can dress - like Madonna,
 Put on some eyeshade,
 And join the parade,
 Walkin' round in women's underwear!
 

Happily Addicted to the Web
(to the tune of Winter Wonderland) 

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy although
My boss let me go
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?
With a listless shrug, I mutter, No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web  

Wreck the Malls
(to the tune of "Deck the Halls")
by Bob Rivers

Wreck the Malls this Christmas Seasons
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Blow your cash for no good reason
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Push your charge card to the limit;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Your checkbook now has nothing in it.
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Wreck the Malls with my friend Charlie;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Drive to K-Mart on his Harley;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Tamper with their Muzak System
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Switch something for Twisted Sister
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Wreck the Pet Store do some damage;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Send the beagles on a rampage;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Acting in an uncouth manner;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Drop your drawers and moon that Santa.
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Wrap Your Gift

Wrap your gift with fingers agile
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Seal it up and mark it "fragile"
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
There's no reason to feel nervous
Fa la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
You can trust the Postal Service
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Hear the postal workers singing
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
As your parcel he is flinging
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
See it crumble in the bin there
Fa la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Aren't you sorry you walked in there?
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

See your parcel speed to Phllly
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Through the air to Cousin Billy
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
It will wind up in Savannah
Fa la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Via Nome and Butte, Montana
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. 

Deck the Labs

Deck the labs with rubber tubing
 Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Use your funnel and your filter
 Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons
 Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Before we go to our lab stations
 Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Fill the beakers with solutions
 Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Mix solutions for reactions
 Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Watch we now for observations
 Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
So we can collect our data
 Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. 

Deck The Halls 
(Politically Correct Version)

Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

See the blazing log of
non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
While I tell of non-materialistic,
non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 

Rudolph Revisited
(to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")
by D M Goldstein

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
Let me tell you a secret;
it's from a drug overdose!
All of the other Reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
That is what drove poor Rudolph
to escape into Cocaine.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph, we know what you've done."
The police came and took him away.

Now all the Reindeer are straight;
they've given up PCP,
Quaaludes, and marijuana,
and flying high on LSD. 

Rudolph The Red Nosed Wino
(to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.

All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of story. 

Randolph The Brown-Nose Student
(to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Randolph the brown-nose student
Tried to get a really high score
TA's would ask him questions
He would give them much much more

All of the other students
Said that Randolph was a fake
They never let poor Randolph
Join in any study break

Then one foggy finals week
The Professor came to say
"Randolph, with your ass so tight,
Won't you kiss the ground tonight."

Then the professor loved him
And he shouted out with glee
"Randolph, the Brown-nose student,
You've got an A in history!"

Santa Claus Is Tapping Your Phone
(sung to the tune "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")

You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He's bugging your rooms,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveils you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So, you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

[Supposedly written for and sung at a U.S. Department 
of Justice, Office of Legal Counsel Christmas party] 

Santa Claus is Wielding a Gun
(to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day

Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

(Music Bridge, with machine gun fire)

He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudolph was a red

So, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun 

Sheila And Joy
(to the tune of 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen')
 
It's called the club for gentlemen 
A cover you must pay 
To see some girls atop a bar 
Their bodies they display 
Pathetic men out on the town 
Alone on Christmas day 

Watching dancers named Sheila and Joy! 
Sheila and Joy! 
Watching dancers named Sheila and Joy! 


It's ten bucks for a private booth 
Be sure to shut the door 
The plexi-glass has just been cleaned 
There's loose change on the floor 
Your dancer's name is Marjorie Jones 
She just turned 54! 

Watching Marjorie play with her Christmas toy 
Boy, Oh Boy! 
Watching Marjorie play with her Christmas toy! 


It's five bucks for a bump and grind 
Fifteen gets you a thrust 
Shove fifty dollars down their pants 
They'll let you touch their bust 
Quadruple that, they'll take you home 
Protection is a must! 

Spending Christmas night with Sheila and Joy 
Sheila and Joy! 
Spending Christmas night with Sheila and Joy! 


You're in their small apartment now 
Can't help but fear the worst 
The change belt on the bedpost 
Indicates you're not the first 
There's guilt and shame and yet 
You make plans for the 31st! 

To spend New Years's Eve with Sheila and Joy 
Sheila and Joy! 
To spend New Years's Eve with Sheila and Joy! 

The Restroom Door Said 'Gentlemen'
(sung to the tune "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen")
by Bob Rivers

The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
So I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices, turned and found
The place was occupied
By three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse
Than three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse?

The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
It must have been a gag.
As soon as I walked in there,
I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And hit me with her bag.
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day!

The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep
Who had the nerve to switch the sign.
Because I've got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind.
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
Boy oh boy!
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
 

Have a Jewish Christmas
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
by D M Goldstein

The lights are being strung, The streets are full of cheer,
The stockings have been hung, Christmas Time is here.
Its joyous revelry and spirit capture you;
"At Christmas Time it's hard to be a good religious Jew." ("Oy")

(Chorus:)
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle night and day.
It's "Yo-ho-ho" and mistletoe and Santa's on his way.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, If Santa Claus is true,
his joy is fun for everyone, but what's a Jew to do?

He goes to synagogue, it doesn't matter which,
He's Jewish and he's very proud, "I'd rather fight than switch."
When Christmas Time is here, he wishes it would pass,
"Last Sunday morning I got up and almost went to mass!" ("Oy")

(Chorus:)
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle night and day.
It's "Yo-ho-ho" and mistletoe and Santa's on his way.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, If Santa Claus is true,
his joy is fun for everyone, but what's a Jew to do? 

Jingle Bells [with kids)

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The kids all yell and scream
To us it sounds like anarchy
But to them it's harmony-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The children tipped the tree
Antique ornaments smashed to bits
The kids each say "not me"

Dad goes to work each day
Engineering things for flight
But his real job is at home
Refereeing little fights

Mom drives the kids around
In an ancient Caravan
Karate, swimming, children's choir
Espresso in her hand-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Our wish to you is that you have
A...Happy...Holi-dayyyyyyyyy. 

The 'Net Is Slow
(sung to the tune of "Let it Snow")

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as AOL is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. 

I Hate Snow
(sung to the tune of "Let it Snow")

Oh, the traffic outside is frightful,
Accidents aren't so delightful,
I'm stuck in this stop-and-go,
I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.

Cars are having troubles stopping,
Each other they keep popping;
I am moving so really slow,
I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.

When I make it back home tonight
How I'll hate going out in the storm;
Because cutting wood really bites,
But I need more to stay warm.

Traffic is slowly dying,
While I sit here I keep crying
Cause it just won't end, I know.
I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.

When I make it back home tonight
How I'll hate going out to the store;
And the crowds that I'll have to fight,
I am sure that they won't have any more.

Oh, the blizzard outside is frightful,
Snowflakes aren't so delightful,
I'm trapped with no place to go,
I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.
 

Oh Little Bank Americard
(sung to the tune "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem")

Oh, little Bank Americard
You bring me Christmas Cheer

Without your clout
I have no doubt
No gifts I'd give this year.

Your credit line allows me
To run up bills quite large

And when I'm through
Exhausting you
I'll use my Master Charge.


(Same tune, sung in late February)

Oh, little Bank Americard
You bring me discontent

I calculate
Your int'rest rate
Is over twelve percent.

Each month, your cry for payments
My letter-box bombards;

I'm one more sap
Caught in your trap
Next year I'll just send cards. 

I Saw Elvis Dressed As Santa Claus
(sung to the tune "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")
by The Fibs

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
 in my home town shopping mall last night.
I knew it must be him
 Santa is a very slim. (???)
And his sideburns where much darker
 than the whiskers on his chin.

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
 hiding under that beard of snowy white.
Then I saw his whiskers slip,
 when he curled his lip.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Spoken:
Yessiree, I saw Elvis sitting on Santa's throne.
 Really I did, and I'm gonna call the Enquirer,
Because after all,
 Suspicious minds wanna know.
He had blue suede boots and bells,
 you should have seen it for yourselves.

Sung:
And did you ever wonder why it is
 they call his helpers Elves?

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
 hiding under that beard of snowy white.
Oh you can imagine my surprise,
 when I saw through his disguise.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Well, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
 in my home town shopping mall last night.
He was sitting in Santa's chair;
 little sister pulling on his hair.
And I heard him say "Now don't be cruel,
 you'll get a teddy bear."

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
 hiding underneath that beard of snowy white.
Then I saw his whiskers slip,
 when he curled his lip.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Well it makes me wanna sing
 Blue Christmas like the King.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.
 Elvis here, Elvis there, Elvis everywhere!

I heard him say "Now don't be cruel,
 you'll get a teddy bear." 

I'll be Cloned for Christmas
(to the tune of "I'll be Home for Christmas")
by D M Goldstein

I'll be Cloned for Christmas,
there'll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
and One just for Parties.

Christmas Eve, I'm certain,
I won't be alone;
I'll be home for Christmas,
or else I'll send a Clone! 

Finals Time
(to "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing")

It's that special time of year,
Finals Week is drawing near!
Study hard for every class,
Pray to God that you will pass.
Lots of sorrow, lots of stress,
Boyfriends think it's PMS,
Social life goes down the drain,
Yes, it's Finals Week again!
It's that special time of year,
Finals Week is drawing near!

Western Civ and Spanish III,
Econ and Pyschology,
Physics and Organic Chem
Keep you up till 3 a.m.
Drink some coffee, stay up late,
Study till you can't see straight,
Caffeine is your closest friend,
Yes, it's Finals Week again!
It's that special time of year,
Finals Week is drawing near! 

Drinking Around The Christmas Tree
(sung to the tune "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree")
by Brenda Lee

Drinking around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party rush,
Faces are hung o'er the balcony, everybody is a lush.

Drinking around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas drunkards through,
Later we'll do some vomiting, and our arms will hug the loo.

You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.

(drunken sax solo.)

You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way. 

Donde Esta Papa
(to the tune of "Feliz Navidad")
by D M Goldstein

Police got my Dad, Police got my Dad,
Police got my Dad and now he's rotting in County Jail.
Police got my Dad, Police got my Dad,
And they'll deport him if my mother can't make his bail.

(Chorus:)
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my cell.
(repeat.)

(alternate first verse:)
Donde esta Papa? Donde esta Papa?
Donde esta Papa? Papa no esta aqui.
(repeat.) 

 
Santa Claus
(to the tune of "Rocket Man")
by D M Goldstein

I packed my bags last night for flight;
Zero hour, one a.m.;
And I'm gonna be high in my sleigh by then.

I miss the Pole so much, I miss my wife;
It's lonely out in space
On such a famous flight.

(Chorus:)
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
before you get your gifts; you've yet to find
I'm not the man you think I am at all,
oh no, no, no; because I'm Santa Claus.
Santa Claus, flying with my reindeer 'cross the sky.

The Pole ain't the kind of place to raise your kids;
In fact, it's cold as hell;
But there's elves to baby-sit them if you did.

And all these 'Go-bots' I don't understand;
It's just my job one day a year.
Santa Claus, I'm Santa Claus.

(repeat Chorus and end.)