Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
What are the 3 stages of man?
1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3) He is Santa Claus.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male
reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
"I don't care who You are, Fatso. Just get those reindeer off my roof."
What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A thank you from Santa!
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh
and call him names"
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Did you hear about the dyslexic cult member?
He was a deciple of Santa.
If Santa was a serial killer, what would you find in your stocking?
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start
getting clothes for Christmas.
What's bloody & slimy and goes "Ho-Ho-Ho"?
Why does Santa have such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,
then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.
What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station
What do elves learn in school?
What nationality is Santa Claus?
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.
Why won't Santa give you five cents?
Because he is Nickel-less.
Which reindeer knows morse code?
How does Santa talk to the reindeer?
He uses an inter-Com-et
Who was the first cat to cross the Sahara Desert?
BUMPER STICKER: Santa's Hang-up is Empty stockings.
How do English teachers refer to Santa's Little Helpers?
A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said,
"Anyone want to buy a present?"
Believe it or not, there are still some people who believe in Santa
Claus. Scientists call them Democrats.
For a fee, I'll sell you names from Santa's list of naughty girls.
Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse?
Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said
the SCHMIDT house!"
How do you know that Santa Claus is a colored guy?
Because nobody except a black would wear a bright red suit!
How do you tell which Santa Claus on the corner is the Newfie?
He's the one holding the Easter basket.
I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad
No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set,
therefore Santa exists!!
Santa has popcorn balls, comes once a year and goes off in his sleigh.
What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with Heidi Fleiss?
Christmas with lots of Ho Ho Ho's.
Why do gays make lousy Santas?
Instead of filling your stockings, they try them on.
Why do hookers like Santa?
Because he has a big sac full of little goodies.
Why is Santa so fat?
He ate too many Ho-ho's...
TOP TEN REASONS SANTA ISN'T COMING THIS YEAR
This should help you explain the empty stockings...
10. The Department of Justice charged him with monopolistic practices.
9. Rudolph just spent 36 straight hours logged on to AOL's Flirt's
Nook under the handle "BigRed."
8. He's upgrading to 32-bit gifts.
7. This year, you have to download your gifts via ftp from the
virtual gift library.
6. Too absorbed by Bill Gates's book, "The Road Ahead," to leave home.
5. He won't budge until he gets Copland on his Power Mac.
4. The sleigh isn't Plug and Play-compatible.
3. He put together the Microsoft/Rolling Stones "Start Me Up" deal
and retired on the proceeds.
2. He's busy converting old Digital Dispatches into HTML.
1. New name: Santa 98.
Santa is near to just finishing up his route when he jumps up
the chimney and out onto the roof. He pulls out his map, and
tells Rudolph where to go next. He then jumps into the sleigh and
away they go. Suddenly, Rudolph starts into a nose dive. Santa is
worried, Santa is scared. The ground is approaching very, very
quickly...he's pulling up on the reigns, yelling at Rudolph,
nothing helps. Suddenly CRASH! Debris is flying everywhere.
Santa is covered in wood scraps, feces and used toilet paper.
He gets up and storms over to Rudolph, yelling, 'Dammit Rudolph,
I said the SCHMIDT house!'
You think you got it bad? All night long, soot up my nose, stinkin'
socks, double barrel buckshot up my butthole, drivin' all night in the
fuckin' snow...Hell, I damn near got side-swiped by a 747! Mrs. Claus
is pissed off 'cause she found pecker tracks in the sleigh and lipstick
on my collar.
And that ain't all!
Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph, all got the shits over Albuquerque and
now my sleigh is a mess! Those worthless fucking elves won't clean it
unless I pay them double time the little bastards!
I'm so sick of milk and cookies, I could barf! Hell...the only hiball
I had all night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh and racked
myself. My bladder is so weak that I pissed my pants at 20,000 feet
and froze to the fucking seat.
Now, I find out that I'm allergic to pine needles and holy shit,
do my balls itch! Oh great! I think my hemorrhoids are back again.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Merry Christmas...Your Ass!!
NORTH POLE NEWS
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected
to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a
good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and
about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the
North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution
business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues
have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly
by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase
of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at
the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up
the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in
reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for
which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable
press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's
role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something
at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible
language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not
from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a
lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the
load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers
and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to
be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require
the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive
steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are
to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The
partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves the French.] The four calling birds were replaced by an
automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An
analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been
calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden
rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have
negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The
six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of
one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in
the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven
swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know,
the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. Nine
ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no
longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.
The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air
travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing
this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this
year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with
a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.
If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association
seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
lawyers-a-suing") action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond
consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future
to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number.
WHY WOMEN WOULD LOVE BEING SANTA CLAUS
You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to
wear to the office.
You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
Should people suggest your belly jiggled...when you laughed...
like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
You'd always work in sensible footwear.
There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho
would remind everyone who's boss.
You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.
No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
You'd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
No more trips to the vending machine...
you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would
adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
No one would ask to see your job description.
Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
Barbie's Letter to Santa
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted
with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society,
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
KEN'S Letter To Santa:
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES
NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along
with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hairstyle.
I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at
great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was
my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I, too, would like a
change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty
Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several
other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green
Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more
accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees
would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about
this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
others. And Barbie can forget about having GI Joe - he's mine, at least
that's what he said last night!
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an
inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before
allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good,
he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it
is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride
and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."
Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as
he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector
has a pump shotgun on his lap.
"Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell
you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests and with research
help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990)
- I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying
reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
and Buddhist children, it reduces the workload to 15% of the total -
378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household that's 91.8 million homes,
presuming there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say for each Christian household with good children
Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down
the chimney, fill stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get
back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every
31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run tops, 15 miles
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set
(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons not counting Santa,
who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional
reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN
TIMES the normal anount we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting
the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous
air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each.
In short they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
RECIPE FOR A JOYOUS HOLIDAY MEAL FROM THE ALTERNATIVE GOURMET
WHOLE ROASTED REINDEER WITH CHRISTMAS ELF STUFFING
This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions
but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor.
Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative
The list of ingredients is as follows
1. 1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not
in a tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
2. 6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs.
3. 8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
4. 8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
5. 8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
6. 1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them
and dice them.
7. 32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
8. 3 gallons chicken stock.
9. .salt, pepper, to taste.
10.Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
11.3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.
A.Saute' the onions, carrots, and celery in a large pan,
using some olive oil, until tender. B.Brown the diced elves
in the same pan until lightly browned. C.Mix the vegetables,
elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste
with pepper, salt and garlic to taste. D.Stuff the dressing
in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut.
As for roasting the whole reindeer; it is usually difficult
to find to an oven large enough to do the job. So you will
have to be creative. My personal favorite is to prop the
reindeer up on a neighbor kids wagon. Then roll the whole
shebang into the local grouches garage and set fire to the
garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for
3-4 hours the reindeer will be perfectly done.
This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively
P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have
long memories for such little beasties and they won't fall
for the vodka trick twice in two years.
A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says,
"What would you like for Christmas?"
The kid says, "A fucking swingset."
Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you
want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else
would you like?"
The kid says, "A fucking sandbox for the side yard."
Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time.
What else would you like for Christmas?"
The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a
fucking trampoline in the front yard."
Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's
parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know
how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog
doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the
swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the
sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the
trampoline. That should make him change his tune."
Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents,
and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and
comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes
back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back
in, shaking his head.
His father says, "What's wrong, son?"
The kid says, "Santa brought me a fucking dog, but I can't find him."
There once was a beautiful woman all alone on Christmas Eve.
She stood in a sheer black teddy. Candles were lit on the tables
and silk stockings hung over the mantle. Santa came sliding down
the chimney and started to put things in the stockings.
She cleared her throat, shimmies her shoulders, and says,
"Santa would you like to stay a while?"
Santa looks her over and says, "Ho Ho Ho got to go, lots of
toys to deliver you know."
She slips her left arm out of the teddy, exposes her left
breast, shimmies again, and says, "Santa would you like to stay
for a little while now?"
Santa looks her over again and says, "Ho Ho Ho got to go, lots
of toys to deliver you know."
She slips her right arm out of her teddy, exposes both of her
breasts, and says, "Santa would you like to say now??"
Santa looks her over and says, "Ho Ho Ho got to go, lots of toys
to deliver you know."
Frustrated and desperate, she slips the gown off, and stands
naked in the candlelight. She shimmies again and says, "Santa
would you like to stay for a little while now??"
Santa looks at her and says, "Hey hey hey got to stay, can't
get up the chimney with my dick this way!
Why JESUS is Better Than Santa Claus
Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your
heart when invited.
You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is
"Hi little boy (or girl,) what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our
name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and
future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken
homes and builds mansions.
Santa is a "jolly old elf"
JESUS is the King of Kings
Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in CHRISTmas,
Jesus is still the reason for the season.
Yes, Jesus is better, he is even better than Santa Claus.
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of
December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things
that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled
with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an
electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the
first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my
brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands,
and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing
within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have
leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks??
What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've
taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit
like this under the tree?? As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave
that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even
walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your
big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw
rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to
walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now
since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year
you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT BASTARD.
Christmas At The Redneck Household
by Sandy Illes
It was really hard gettin' a good fire goin' for Santa, but we managed
to do it by settin' a few crates burnin' in the middle of the livin'
room. The kids began cryin' when the tree caught fire but we just told
'em that Santa would leave an extra round of ammo in their stockings.
That cheered 'em up a whole lot.
We left out the traditional plate of chewin' tobacco and a shot of
moonshine for the old fat guy. We sure could never figure out why the
old guy had the face of a cherub and the body of Delta Burke.
In the morning, we had to rush out to the highway to find us some
dinner. Luckily, we found a deer and brought it home in the back of the
pickup. The missus commenced to preparin' the meat while I went to see
what was happenin' with the kids.
Well, they were just delighted with the gifts they received. Larry had
gotten two rounds of ammo and a new sock that matched the one he got
last year; Darryl got two rounds of ammo and a real live spider; the
other Darryl got two rounds of ammo and a toothbrush (although Lord
knows why he asked for one -- he ain't got no teeth!).
It was just a grand old day, what with the kids shootin' at each other
and the dogs. Spot was killed so we put him in the freezer for tomorrow
When we sat down to eat, I didn't expect what Larry said. He said,
"We're not going to eat Rudolph, are we???"
Well, whaddya know -- the deer we'd found on the road was a reindeer and
none other than Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, at that!
He tasted delicious!
I think Santa Claus is a woman...
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly
pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen
in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when
they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a
last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
(You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt,
but for men it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there
in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the
chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint
bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide
fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that
is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibittheir
ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a
politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals
could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick.
Not a chance.
As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and
Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes
little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing
like a guy!!!
SANTA'S REALLY BITTER
T'was the night before Christmas- Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa"- what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - They're up to a strike
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him
a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull
goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees
that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding
signs that say "We hate Christmas" and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.
Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon
as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have
missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with
a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out
with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty
glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.
When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well,
well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure
to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a
red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick,
and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he
found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped
the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated,
Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor
and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the
coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it
was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way
to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree.
From the law offices of Everey, Crooke and Fellon:
Due to numerous suits pending against our client, Mr. Santa Claus
regrettably will not be available to present gifts nor to make any
appearances in this Yuletide season. The office of Mr. Claus has,
however, issued the following brief statement.
This document, hereafter named "the Christmas wish," is a Christmas
statement of profoundly felt best wishes from Mr. Santa Claus, Esq.,
hereafter named "the party in the first," to Mr. Thomas Magliozzi and
Mr. Raymond Magliozzi, the wishees, hereafter named "the party in the
second." The conditions described in this Christmas wish pertain only to
the current situation and must not be misinterpreted, misconstrued,
perverted or falsified in any way whatsoever by whomsoever whensoever
wheresoever. The declaration of best wishes does not and must not be
assumed to mean that the party in the first will act in any activities,
either solely or in cahoots with other parties, either overtly or
surreptitiously, to attempt to grant the aforementioned wish in any way
whatsoever by means of the giving of gifts or the proffering of any acts
of devotion so as to achieve fulfillment of the aforementioned wish.
This letter also serves to inform the party in the second that the party
in the first is bestowing a wish of prosperity and happiness for
Christmas 1999 The good tidings furnished by the party in the first are
not transferable to any other day of the year nor to any other
Christmases in subsequent years, and certainly cannot be considered
retrospectively for any other occasions, either Christmases or
otherwise, in times bygone, and must not, under any circumstances, be
redeemed for cash. This wish is not to be misunderstood as an avowed
guarantee that the party in the second will have a happy Christmas, and
the party in the first is hereby indemnified from any legal recourse
that the party in the second may wish to pursue if said party fails to
have a happy Yuletide.
And now, a letter from Santa.
I recently got your Christmas list, but there's a few problems with it.
I'd like to review them with you, if I could...
Firstly, the twelve drummers drumming are having a bit of a spat with
the eleven pipers piping -- so much so, that they've completely ruined
my toy shop.
The ten lords a-leaping have knocked up the eight maids a-milking, and
the nine ladies dancing all got VD.
I'm up to my ass in bird shit from the seven swans a-swimming, six geese
a-laying, four colly birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and
that damn partridge.
The five golden rings turned my fingers green.
To top it all off, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, my reindeer
are in heat, my dwarves have filed a petition with the ACLU for gay
rights, and I have your Christmas scheduled for February.
Merry fucking Christmas,
Santa Claus Ltd
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good
this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas.
I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of
Christmas," but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers
fiddling have all come down with STD's from fiddling with the Ten
Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight
Maids a Milking; the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing
weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming ...
- Even worse! The Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French
Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge In a Pear Tree have me up to my
ass in bird crap!
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause; eight
of my reindeer are in heat; the elves have joined the Gay Liberation
Movement, and those dumb-ass Liberals have scheduled Christmas in Sydney
for the 5th of January.
... Nevertheless, hope YOU have a merry Christmas!
Chief Executive Officer
National Federation of Uniformed Elves
Main Office, North Pole
Female Elf Employment Application
1. Name: ________________
2. Present Address: ____________________
3. Age: ___ (If under 100, parental permission is required)
4. Height: ______ (If over 3 feet 6 inches, please attach waiver
5. Present Occupation: ____________ (If politician, forget it!)
6. Hobbies: ______________________________
(If boys, boys, boys, do you like "little, little" boys?)
7. Professional Qualifications: ______________________________
(Can you cook, sew, clean and other things male chauvinist elves get off
8. References: ______________________________
(No religious references please. They tend to lead us astray.)
9. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting a reindeer?
Yes ( ) No ( ) (if yes, you need not apply!)
10. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting little elves?
Yes ( ) No ( ) (If yes, when can you start?)
11. Please list FIVE "personal" references. All must be older than 10
and still believe in Santa Claus. (Good Luck!)
NFUE Form 69
Dec 1999 (Previous Versions Obsolete)
Santa's Naughty Or Nice Hotline
Recording: Ho, ho, ho! You've reached Santa's Naughty Or Nice Hotline!
If you have a touch-tone phone, press "1" now. If not, please stay on
the line and an elf will be with you shortly.
Recording: Ho, ho, ho! You have a touch-tone phone! If you are a boy,
press "1" now. If you're a girl, press "2" now. If you can't decide,
press "3" now. If you are Michael Jackson or RuPaul, press "4" now.
Recording: Ho, ho, ho! You are a boy! If you've been naughty, press "1"
now. If you've been nice, press "2" now.
-Pressing "1", somewhat grudgingly-
Recording: Ho, ho, ho! You've been naughty! If your naughtiness has been
limited to snapping girls' bra straps, or stealing long, lingering
kisses under the mistletoe, press "1" now. If your naughtiness involves
one of the Seven Deadly Sins, press "2" now. If your naughtiness
involves one of the Ten Commandments, press "3" now. If your naughtiness
involves an offence punishable by imprisonment or castration, press
-Pressing "1" hastily-
Recording: Ho, ho, ho! Your naughtiness this year has been limited to
snapping girls' bra straps or stealing long, lingering kisses under the
mistletoe! Well, Santa's here to tell you that red-blooded boys will be
boys, and he'll consider you to have been nice this year! Ho, ho, ho!
Santa on Trial in Canada
You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris
Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
* failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the
* crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each
year as far back as records go
* failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves
and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time
and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards
of the Worker's Compensation Boards
* failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax
deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on
behalf of your employees
* you are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes
on December 25 of each year
* violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating
a tight monopoly
* failing to file a flight plan for your travels
* failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting
your reindeer with emission control devices
* not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you
by millions each year
* illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible
breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to
make his nose light up
* and finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and
having no record of either a driver's or pilot's licence ever being
issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two
Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity,
have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a Merry
Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?
Once again, it's Christmas time. I know that you want me to visit
your house on Christmas Eve, and I'm fully aware of what you'd like
to find beneath the tree. I know these things because, well, because
I'm Santa Claus.
But there are a few things we need to discuss before Christmas eve,
such as your actions and your deeds throughout the past year- your
attitude towards others, and the way you carry on. I'm sure that you
feel deserving of each and every toy you've asked for so we'll discuss
those as we discuss your behavior.
Do you really think you need a slingshot? Do you remember hiding in
the shed after you had thrown rocks through your neighbor's windows,
and saying that if you ever got out of this one, you'd never do it
again. Don't you think receiving the same weapon that David used to
slay Goliath would be tempting fate? I'm just asking, of course, but
don't count on the slingshot.
And let's see, as I recall you wanted a sled. Now there's a fun toy,
basically harmless in the hands of a responsible kid, and it's something
you could share with all of your friends.
The only problems, Danny, are that you're not responsible, you
wouldn't share, and you don't have any friends. Let's forget about the
sled, as it would only cause problems.
Danny, your request for all the kids in China to receive a Pokemon
was, at first, admirable. Then I realized that you aren't wanting those
kids to be happy at all. Since the overnight influx of Japanese
merchandise into China would cause the largest trade deficit the world
has ever seen, your "help" would crush the Chinese economy. Well, I'm
gonna "help" you, you little fuck. I'm taking back the BB gun. You asked
for some catnip scented toys for your kitty cat. How nice of you to
consider the cat at this most joyous time of the year. Do you know what
your cat asked for, Danny? Do you have any idea? Your cat asked for me
not to bring any catnip, because that's what you use to lure cats to
their demise. You know what I'm talking about
playing "Flush the Kitty",
"Cat-tastrophe", and all your other silly games that cause either
physical harm or irreparable mental damage to the four-legged kind.
For your part in this insane plot, I'm nixing the new hard drive.
Matter of fact, nothing hard for you this Christmas
and I think you
know what I mean!
You've made promises to control your temper and I like this. But
you've made this promise nearly every year, and every year, just before
Christmas, you've thrown a temper tantrum of some kind. Danny, Danny,
Danny. I know that you believe in me, but I'm finding it extremely
difficult to believe in you. Why can't you keep your promises, Danny,
why? And why can't I believe in you? Well Danny, for making a promise
to be good, I'm bringing you a brand new bicycle. But for breaking that
same promise and I know that you will I'm hauling that shiny mother
fucker back up the chimney, and I'm giving it to someone else. HO HO HO,
Hee Hee Hee, Har-de-har-har!
They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and damned
if you don't resemble me in some ways. But do you think that I'm
impressed with your boring, lackluster imitation of me? Do you think
that it'll get you more toys? Hell, Danny, anyone can have long hair and
a bushy beard. So ain't you a Big Fucking Deal! I'm not impressed, but
in fact, I'm insulted. Your charade has been uncovered, and I'm marking
off the train set. And the skates. As a matter of fact, you little
sonofabitch, everything's gone. Everything you asked for and everything
you'd hoped for is gone, gone, gone.....The toys, Christmas, everything.
I don't want to have to haul all that shit down your chimney and then
haul it back up again. I'm old and I'm tired and I don't even feel like
doing it for the good little boys and girls, let alone a shameless dick
head such as yourself. Danny,you little meat-beater, you have
single-handedly screwed up Christmas for the whole world. I oughta come
down there and beat the living hell out of you . Matter of fact I will,
and if you're still standing afterwards, then you can bite my ass.
WORRIED ABOUT SANTA
CLAUSE FOR CONCERN
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your
legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world,
you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits
that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society
in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you
have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also
affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable
to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a
well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your)
nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes
from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder
still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate
and overexertion...all things you may encounter this time of year.
The one bright note in Dr. Litt's message is that certain
antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole
dermatologist. But the news about your facial tint is only our
latest source of concern.
A careful examination of what we know about you and your
lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs:
OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of
concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the
normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other
We've seen the pictures; we've noticed you in the malls.
And we've heard that your tummy shakes "like a bowlful of jelly"
when you chuckle.
On this, we'll take part of the blame. All these years,
we've set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102
million homes in the US alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two
cookies and a cup of milk, that would make and overnight snack of
2 million cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk.
Maybe it's time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a
Thighmaster. But be sure to have the old ticker checked out
before you start an exercise regimen.
PIPE SMOKING: You've been pictured with a pipe, and even
though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it's only
a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said "the smoke
it encircled his head like a wreath."
According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center,
pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker's risk for lung
cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three
times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus.
Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to
lose it. Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model.
STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of
kiddies could certainly put one on the emotions hot seat. And
anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart
On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical
news service says laughter.....as evidenced by your trademark
"Ho, ho, ho".....is one of the best stress-busters going.
SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the
average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But
creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to
Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said
his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective
masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.
RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the
bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this
year we've noticed you're also receiving, and answering, e-mail
on at least four Internet addresses, including one based in
We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with
this caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful
injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.
DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty
reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David
DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood. Watch out for
itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.
FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA: You usually bundle up, and that's
good. A Weather Service satellite recently showed the
temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds
are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in
MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so
you already know things are getting a little tough out there.
Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.
MEMORY TROUBLE: It's been said that you make a list, then
check it twice. Just being careful, or developing a little
SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there
is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of
sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-
spectrum light would help keep you jolly.
VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy
underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is colds and
flu season, don't you?
SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We've seen plenty of pictures of you in
that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to
see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through Seattle
this year, be sure to cover the load.
JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers
that travelers face when they cross through several times zones.
And few travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.
SKYJACKERS: OK, you've been lucky so far, but they're out
Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much
more fortunate that you're still faithfully delivering the
goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas.
But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks
before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which
reminds us: You DO have insurance, don't you?
Seattle Times staff reporter
'Tis the season and all that goes with, so...
There will be a new sight on Christmas Eve,
Stay up and watch...It's hard to believe!
Santa gave up his sleigh full of loot,
Fired his reindeer and burned his red suit!
He got rid of the elves and called Master Charge,
Now he has an account, and boy, is it large!
He'll be buying all gifts for the rest of his years.
Your stuff will say "K-Mart", "J.C. Penny's", or "Sears"!
He'd gotten a little behind the whole Nation
With homemade toys and deer for transportation.
So forget feeding Rudolph, don't lay out the barley,
'Cause this year Santa rolls up on his Harley!
He's a biker now, and it's a whole new racket,
It says "Bad A** Santa" on his black leather jacket!
Mrs. Claus is now his "Old Lady"!
They've got spikes on their helmets, And they look kinda shady!
He's got a "chopper" with a "sissy bar",
And his "Old Lady" now has a "side car"!
He's really "hip" as he cruises around,
With his "boom box" blastin', Santa really gets down!
He's popping "wheelies", and stopping on dimes,
Glad that he's finally caught up with the times.
So sit by your window, it's something you'll like,
This modern day Santa on a shiny chrome bike!
And you'll hear him exclaim as he rides out of sight,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, MAN! THIS IS ALRIGHT!!!!"
Santa's New Contract!
(A News Release)
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated...
Please read the following carefully...
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and
the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want
for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If
You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
In the spirit of the Holiday Season(tm), Life In Corporate America
The Total Quality Management Corporate Christmas Party
The TQM Corporate Christmas Party is carefully designed to give you and
your employees a safe, efficient gathering, optimizing cheer and good
The first step is to gather an appropriate number of executives to stage
this wondrous event. A good guideline is to draft the aid of all
executives making over $125,000/year including bonuses. These executives
should be divided up into the Greeting Team, the Serving Team, the
Walking Team, and the Ceremonial Team. The Teams should be further
broken into two or more teams performing the same function, thus
ensuring increased Quality through Redundancy and Intra-Team
Divide your entire personnel into three equal groups. This Top-Down
methodology breaks the task into manageable portions. Issue each
employee a ticket with coupons for each aspect of the party, the
Christmas Party Ticket. Printed on the ticket is the time which the
employee should arrive for the Christmas Party. In order to further
relieve congestion, each of the three seatings should be further broken
into three "arrival groups". Thus, for the 12:00 seating you have
employees arriving at 12:00, 12:05 and 12:10. Allow no more than five
minutes for any one employee to be late.
Now you can show how well you are organized. Your Employee travels to
the specified cafeteria entrance at the proper time, as specified on the
Christmas Party Ticket. He is warmly greeted at the entrance door by a
member of the Greeting Team, and directed to the queue at the entrance.
At the head of the queue, there are two more Greeting Team Members. Here
the Employee surrenders the bottom portion of his Christmas Party Ticket
to a Greeting Team Member, who then places it in the Door Prize Drawing
Bin and directs the Employee to one of two identical Christmas Party
Meal Serving Lines.
At the start of the Meal Serving Line the Employee surrenders the next
portion of the Christmas Party Ticket to one of the final members of the
Greeting Team, who then allows the Employee to proceed with his tasty
Christmas Party Meal. The Employee picks up his Tray and Utensils. He
notices two things. First, the Utensils are neatly sorted and
prepackaged for his convenience. Second, the usual rectangular tray is
replaced by the much more efficient Truncated Tray. The Truncated Tray
has its two far corners cut at precisely 45 degrees, allowing more
efficient packing at the square Christmas Party Table.
Now the Employee is ready to receive his tasty Christmas Party Meal.
Four members of the Serving Team are ready to dish out his Meal. The
first Serving Team Member takes out an efficiently pre-warmed Plate and
adds Turkey and Stuffing. Here is another example of efficient
pre-packaging, bringing your Employee an assortment of tastes, yet in a
compact form for safe, easy serving.
A generous Ball of Stuffing (1.75" diameter) is carefully pre-wrapped
with a Slice of Dark Meat and a Slice of Light Meat, thus satisfying all
tastes. Next, the remaining members of the Serving Team at this Station
add Potatoes, Beans and Gravy, and delivers the Product to the Employee.
Next, two more Serving Team Members offer an impressive array of
Cranberry Juice and Orange Juice, plus a choice of eggnog both With and
Without Brandy, labelled as "Leaded" and "Unleaded" (our little joke).
Since we want to deliver Consistent Value, the "Unleaded" EggNog serving
contains twice as much EggNog as the "Leaded" variety.
Notice that the Christmas Party Serving Lines are implemented with Dual
Redundancy. This is important, since it not only provides more Efficient
Service to meet Demand, but it also, should one line become disrupted,
and provides a fallback so as to not severely impact the Schedule.
After the Employee receives his Christmas Party Meal, he is directed by
several members of the Walking Team to his table. Employees are seated
solely based on their order in line, both to provide Good Companionship
and to eliminate confusion imminent in Employees seeking out other
The Walking Team is perhaps the most diverse Team in its duties. After
the Employee is seated the Walking Team is responsible for ensuring that
Everything is All Right. This includes, when an Employee is finished
with his Christmas Party Meal, the removal of Trays and Utensils, and
the distribution of the standard Christmas Gift. This action is carried
out with the Just-In-Time philosophy. When the Employee's meal is
finished and his EggNog is nearing emptiness, the Walking Team springs
into action. One Walking Team Member removes the Tray and Utensils, one
collects the final Christmas Party Ticket coupon, a third Walking Team
Member distributes the standard Christmas Gift, and a fourth verifies
the Employee's Satisfaction with the Christmas Party Meal.
While your Employee is enjoying his Christmas Party Meal, several other
Activities are ongoing. First, a Special member of the Christmas Party
Committee is travelling about the Tables in the guise of Santa Claus.
Since time is limited, you ensure that the delivery of the Santa Claus
Service is properly received by all Employees by use of a Wireless
Microphone. Second, the Christmas Season Atmosphere is provided by your
local High School Choir. This not only provides soothing, cheerful music
for your Employees but also strengthens the Sense of Community with the
Town outside the Company.
The third Activity is the Door Prize Drawing. Since no Employee is more
than five minutes late, you can be sure that all Employees assigned to
this Seating have arrived and been Greeted within fifteen minutes after
the Opening of the Seating. Then the Door Prize Drawing Bin can be
sprinted up to the head of the Cafeteria, where the Corporate Executive
Officer, with Santa Claus as his Helper, draws names from the Door Prize
Drawing Bin and distributes the Door Prizes. The Door Prizes are a
series of increasingly valuable Prizes, ranging from a Free Employee
Recreational Association Membership to a Telephone Answering Machine to
a Twenty-Five-Inch Zenith Color Television, and the Grand Prize, a Sony
Once the Door Prize Drawing is completed, the Employees should have had
sufficient time to Eat, Relax, and Indulge in the Fellowship of his
Neighboring Employee. Therefore the Corporate Christmas Party is
concluded, and all Employees present can rise Together and resume their
normal tasks, filled with Happiness, Good Cheer, Good Food and a Renewed
Sense of Companionship.
In conclusion, the Total Quality Management Corporate Christmas Party is
a fun, safe way to celebrate, while simultaneously demonstrating the
effectiveness of the Principles of Total Quality Management. It also,
incidentally, pays for itself. The Effectiveness and Precision with
which the Corporate Christmas Party is Planned and Carried Out results
in your Employees being able to enjoy the Party to its fullness, and
still be finished early enough to return to the office after not the
usual 45 minutes allocated, but an outstanding Thirty Minutes!
Author's note: The sick part is this really happened here! The names are
invented but the details are verbatim...
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare
specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn
to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger,
at least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck...
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your
house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do...
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane,
son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead...
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon
cards than me. Please see what you can do.
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy
hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you
snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get
you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my
cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that
crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again..
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky, that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house,
that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I
get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your