Thanksgiving Day Jokes

Thanksgiving Day Jokes

 
  Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on
Thanksgiving," little Timothy wrote, "I am thankfull that I'm not 
a turkey."


What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Turkey.


  Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"
  "I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
  "Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."


What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? 
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!


If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!


Why did the turkey cross the road? 
It was the chicken's day off. 


What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
Turkey.


What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day,
 you get a turkey for four years.


What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.



Keep your eye off the turkey dressing It makes him blush! 

        

  Last Thanksgiving I had my chance to do the traditional 
thing of shooting my own turkey.  Man, you should have seen
the people scatter in the meat department!



Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

 

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners!



Memorable Moments in Talk-Line History

  Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have
had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand 
out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. 
We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their 
favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal 
favorites from the Talk-Line archives. It's hard to beat the 
call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving 
turkey on the engine of his truck ("Will it cook faster if 
I drive faster?"), but some of these come pretty close.
  Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are
real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!


  I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. 
Will it take longer to thaw?"


  Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she
called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the
turkey, her chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and 
couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the 
bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and 
more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line 
home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in
the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!


  Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have
to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired 
Floridian. He called "Turkey Central" for turkey grilling 
tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.


  Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian 
wondered, "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line 
staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't
need to be thawed.


  Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a
Georgian woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had 
just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line 
a year ahead of time for turkey tips.


  Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman
called to comment, "On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball 
Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He 
can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can't." (The 
Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. 
to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)


  Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 
to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. 
To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how 
much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's 
still running around outside."


  Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just
isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in 
California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a
vegetarian menu.


  White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation 
to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she 
called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. 
To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.


  A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed
roasting advice To provide approximate roasting times, 
the home economist asked what size the turkey was.
  Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then
replied, "Medium."


  A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow
netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed 
before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, 
the home economist responded, "Yes," then offered complete 
roasting directions.


And one More...
  Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen 
turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough 
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get 
any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."




Signs You've Eaten Too Much

Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.  
 
Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.  
 
You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.  

You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.  

World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"  

CBS tells you to lose weight or else.  
 
Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.  
 
Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.  
 
You're sweatin' gravy. 





  In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early
weather report from our in-house weather reporters.
  Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven
to an afternoon high near 190F.  The kitchen will turn hot 
and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a 
severe squall or cold shoulder.
  During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of
a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates.  Mashed potatoes will drift 
across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots 
on the other.  Please pass the gravy.
   A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued
for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the 
beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and 
taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the 
refrigerator.
  Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat
sandwiches will be established.  Flurries of leftovers can be
expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup 
late in the day.  We expect a warming trend where soup develops.
  By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only 
wish left will be the bone.



You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When...

Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out 
of the EZ-Boy.

The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your
morning jog.

Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only 
yielded gravy.

A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding 
of the 5000."

That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.

Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.

 
 
  I remember my first turkey day after my older brother had 
gotten married.  He and his bride came for the the meal and 
apparently my mother had far too many times inelegantly 
brought up the subject of grandchildren (never to happen in
the family, by the way).
  My sister-in-law was given the then in vogue, now thankfully
gone, electric carving knife to attack the bird.  She was about
100 pounds (now about 200).  When mummy dearest once again 
mentioned grandkids, she remarked in the sweetest tone:
  "If you don't f%&king drop that subject I'll use this goddam 
knife on you."
  Ah memories.
 


Ways to Make Thanksgiving Dinner More Interesting

Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta  into the turkey while 
it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR 
when Dad's not looking.

Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't 
notice, you were worried for nothing".

When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an 
hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together 
all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.




The Story Of Thanksgiving, As Written By Schoolkids

  First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their
children started developing customs there. After a stopover 
at Williamsbug when a large storm blew them off course they 
landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They spent the 
winter there.
  A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how 
to plant corn by putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been 
the first Indian to come to America and always wanted a beer. 
He traveled around with Miles Standby and translated language. 
He knew enough English to interupt.
  Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was 
called that because he was so short. Squanto drew up a 
declaration to give the settlers freedom of goverment in the 
new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks for all this 
and that's what started Thanksgiving.



How NOT To Store Thanksgiving Left-overs

From the Police report: Victim was having turkey left-overs with her
boyfriend/fiancee. The two got into an arguement over who would eat 
the last drumstick.  The offender (boyfriend) struck victim accross 
the face numerous times with the "last meaty turkey leg" causing 
bruising. Offender then pulled down the victim's pants and panties 
and inserted the small, knuckle end of the turkey leg into the 
victim's anus, approximately four inches deep. Offender then told 
victim to, "enjoy the leg" and then fled the scene.
  Victim transported to hospital by CFD. Emergency room doctor removed 
the turkey leg from the victim's rectum. The turkey leg was inventoried 
by the evidence technician.



Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving, But Aren't...

Whew, that's one terrific spread!

I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

It's Cool Whip time!

If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

Are you ready for seconds yet?

Are you going to come again next time?

It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

Don't play with your meat.

Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.

Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

You still have a little bit on your chin.

You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

How many are coming?

That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest.

How long do I beat it before it's ready?

It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!

Reach in and grab the giblets.

Talk about a huge breast!

and he forced his way into the end zone...

She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.

Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.

How long will it take after you stick it in?

Look at that gobbler!

That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

Let's do it in the Dinning room



  A young couple got married, and when the wife prepared to bake a ham 
to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end 
before placing it in the pan.  Her husband asked her why she did that 
and she replied, "I don't know--it's what my mother always did. But I 
can ask her."
  She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so 
I did the same."
  They decided to check further, so the young bride then called Grandma,
who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."






He laid her on the table,
So white, so clean and bare,
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
and then drooling, felt her thigh,
The slit was wet and all was set,
he gave a joyous cry.

The whole was wide... he looked inside,
all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands, stretched out his arms,
and then he stuffed the turkey.

 

THANKSGIVING PRAYER

Lord, thank you for this sink of dirty dishes...
  we have plenty of food to eat.
Thank you for this pile of dirty, stinky laundry...
  we have plenty of nice clothes to wear.
And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds
  in there...they were so warm and so comfortable last night.
  I know that many have no bed.
My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom, complete with all
  the splattered mirrors, soggy, grimy towels and dirty
  lavatory...they are so convenient.
Thank you for this finger smudged refrigerator that needs
  defrosting so badly...it has served us faithfully for many
  years.  It is full of cold drinks and enough leftovers for
  two or three meals.
Thank you, Lord, for this oven that absolutely must be cleaned
  today...it has baked so many things over the years.
The whole family is grateful for that tall grass that needs
  mowing...the lawn that needs raking; we all enjoy the yard.
Thank you, Lord, even for that slamming screen door.
  My kids are healthy and able to run and play.
Lord, the presence of all these chores awaiting me says you have
  richly blessed my family.  I shall do them all cheerfully and
  I shall do them gratefully.

 

THANKSGIVING

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees,
happy eating to all...Pass the cranberries, please!




DEFINITIONS FOR MY HUSBAND ON THANKSGIVING DAY

PLAYBOOK:
  Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at
all times, if the book gets moved, the game could get ugly.

OFFSIDES:
  Silverware is to be set next to the plates... off to the
side dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap, 
for all to scramble for.

GAME TIME:
  This is when the food must all be on the table, at the
same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot) so 
that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the 
coach to say the prayer.

TEAM SPIRIT:
  That which shall be upheld until the END of the game.
When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT 
MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).

COMMERCIAL BREAKS:
  There will be NONE for us, until I deem them totally 
necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!

PENALTIES:
  Will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the
game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a 
certain *televised* football game engaging your attention!

HOLDING:
  May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may pour
gravy without staining my new silk blouse.  And keep in mind 
dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;).

TOUCHDOWNS:
  Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched down 
on the table, do not spike them, do not dance when the mission
is complete!

FLAG ON THE PLAY:
  When something is spilled, PLEASE by all means throw a towel 
down on it and mop it up!

RUSHING:
  What we will be doing a lot of!!

GROOMING THE FIELD:
  Dear husband, if you help me through this meal, as I know you 
will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean up and YES...
in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!
 


Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early

Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left those condoms they 
 asked for in the closet upstairs.

Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed
 to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. 
 Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers
 and they FLY!!)

Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R,
 make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex 
 sheets and crisco".

Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's
 not looking.

Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on just why we need to
 increase the teenage pregnancy population.

Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show you
 all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"

Hold your nose while you eat.

Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice,
 you were worried for nothing".

Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the
 blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've
  got a new fear of choking.

When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late,
 he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary
  release forms, and then they are free to go.

During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little
 "dead rabbit" problem.

Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced
 that himself.

Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug" gets to sleep with your
 date. (sex/age unimportant)

Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you,
 "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket. 



Why Americans Say "Thanks" In November
 
I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw open the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body,
your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tightly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.

From your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms,
to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck,
flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm
running them through the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body,
to a laying place, so that I can
put inside you what was well
prepared to enter you before
we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down
your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first,
getting a feel for how much you can take in.

I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster
I put it in, pushing it in deeply
as far as I can, until I can't
put any more in, you are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly,
not wanting to release any of it,
I make you so hot for a very long time,
until your sweet juices escape from within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first,
your skin is so soft and tender.

I taste more of you with my mouth,
you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth,
making me drool in anticipation
of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace
"Thank God for Butterball turkey...Amen"

    

  This guy, call him Neil, was dating this girl for a few months and
they were starting to get a little serious. So she invites him to her
home for Thanksgiving dinner, to meet her whole family.
  The appointed day arrives and Neil goes to meet the folks. Grandma 
and Grandpa are there, a couple of sisters and their husbands -- and 
two babies in diapers. Much joshing about when Neil and the girl will
be having their little ones, ha ha ha.
  Dinner goes well, and Neil eats lots. After dinner, back to the 
living room, everyone getting along famously, and Neil's pretty 
smooth with the crowd.
  Then...
  Neil starts to feel a little rumbling in his stomach, and is pretty
sure he has to pass some gas. No problem, he thinks. Just discreetly 
list to starboard, and rely on the couch fabric for any necessary
sound-baffling.
  So he prepares himself to squeeze out the small gas-bubble -- and
realizes with alarm that he has released a little more than he intended.
  He has, in fact, shit his pants.
  He sits there for a moment or two, with a real frozen smile on his 
face, his mind racing a thousand miles an hour. He decides to bluff 
his way through, but after a few minutes, there are noses wrinkling 
all around the room. The two moms pull their babies' diapers back to
peer in and check for "gifts", but the babies are clean, literally 
and figuratively.
  Neil knows he has to act fast, so he excuses himself and heads for 
the bathroom. Like nobody knows why.
  When he gets in there, he peels off his trou's and briefs, and cleans
himself up.
  The pants are unstained, but he has a new problem: Now what does he 
do with the soiled briefs?
  He pulls at the bathroom window, figuring to heave the dainties into 
the backyard, and pick them up later. But it's winter, and the window 
is forzen shut on the outside.
  So he wads them up and flushes them!
  Perfect. Except the toilet starts to back up because of the clog 
caused by the soggy shorts.
  He can't leave them and complain of a clogged pipe, because if his
girlfriend's dad has to Roto-rooter the thing, the shredded skimpies
will be Neil's undoing.
  So he grabs the plunger and starts hammering away like John Henry 
laying rail, sweating his ass off and praying like a born-again Holy 
Roller. The shitty, smelly water is getting close to the rim of the 
bowl....
  And then it flushes.
  Talk about relief, in more ways than one.
  Neil is practically hysterical with relief, and sits down to gather
his breath.
  There's a knock on the bathroom door.
  So he gets up, throughs his pants on, and swings open the door, 
and there's the girlfriend's mom, staring at him with a look somewhere
between concern and alarm.
  No wonder. He sneaks a peak in the mirror, and sees this apparition:
hair matted with sweat, shirt-tail out, and it smells like the basement
suite of a four-hole outhouse in there. 
  "Is everything all right, Neil?" the Mrs. asks, no doubt wondering 
what the hell has been going on.
  "Oh, sure," Neil nonchalants.
  And he saunters out into the living room, rejoins the party, and all 
was well.
  Neil and the girl got married, and he STILL hasn't told her.
  You should hear him tell it, though.




When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
   
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of...Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
 
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
   
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;
   
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming...




  The first Thanksgiving in North America was not, as is commonly 
assumed, the Pilgrim's harvest feast at Plymouth Colony, Mass., 
in 1621. Rather, Sir Martin Frobisher, the explorer, was the first 
to hold a Thanksgiving celebration with his crew in 1578 on 
Kodlurnarn Island in Canada's eastern Arctic.



  Hear about the American who asked the Britisher, "How come you 
celebrate Thanksgiving way back at the first part of October, when 
we celebrate it in late November?"
  "We celebrate it when they left!"



THANKSGIVING
by Jack Prelutsky

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair
it ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom
then splattered all over the kitchen
completely obscuring the room
it stuck to the walls and the windows
it totally coated the floor
there was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there'd never been turkey before
it blanketed every appliance
it smeared every saucer and bowl
there wasn't a way I could stop it
that turkey was out of control
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.




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