He laid her on the table,
So white, so clean and bare,
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
and then drooling, felt her thigh,
The slit was wet and all was set,
he gave a joyous cry.
The whole was wide... he looked inside,
all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands, stretched out his arms,
and then he stuffed the turkey.
Lord, thank you for this sink of dirty dishes...
we have plenty of food to eat.
Thank you for this pile of dirty, stinky laundry...
we have plenty of nice clothes to wear.
And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds
in there...they were so warm and so comfortable last night.
I know that many have no bed.
My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom, complete with all
the splattered mirrors, soggy, grimy towels and dirty
lavatory...they are so convenient.
Thank you for this finger smudged refrigerator that needs
defrosting so badly...it has served us faithfully for many
years. It is full of cold drinks and enough leftovers for
two or three meals.
Thank you, Lord, for this oven that absolutely must be cleaned
today...it has baked so many things over the years.
The whole family is grateful for that tall grass that needs
mowing...the lawn that needs raking; we all enjoy the yard.
Thank you, Lord, even for that slamming screen door.
My kids are healthy and able to run and play.
Lord, the presence of all these chores awaiting me says you have
richly blessed my family. I shall do them all cheerfully and
I shall do them gratefully.
'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees,
happy eating to all...Pass the cranberries, please!
DEFINITIONS FOR MY HUSBAND ON THANKSGIVING DAY
Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at
all times, if the book gets moved, the game could get ugly.
Silverware is to be set next to the plates... off to the
side dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap,
for all to scramble for.
This is when the food must all be on the table, at the
same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot) so
that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the
coach to say the prayer.
That which shall be upheld until the END of the game.
When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT
MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).
There will be NONE for us, until I deem them totally
necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!
Will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the
game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a
certain *televised* football game engaging your attention!
May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may pour
gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep in mind
dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;).
Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched down
on the table, do not spike them, do not dance when the mission
FLAG ON THE PLAY:
When something is spilled, PLEASE by all means throw a towel
down on it and mop it up!
What we will be doing a lot of!!
GROOMING THE FIELD:
Dear husband, if you help me through this meal, as I know you
will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean up and YES...
in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!
Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early
Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left those condoms they
asked for in the closet upstairs.
Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed
to take off your clothes at the dinner table.
Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks.
Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers
and they FLY!!)
Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R,
make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.
When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex
sheets and crisco".
Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's
Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on just why we need to
increase the teenage pregnancy population.
Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.
As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show you
all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"
Hold your nose while you eat.
Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice,
you were worried for nothing".
Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the
blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've
got a new fear of choking.
When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late,
he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary
release forms, and then they are free to go.
During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little
"dead rabbit" problem.
Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced
Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug" gets to sleep with your
date. (sex/age unimportant)
Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you,
"THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.
Why Americans Say "Thanks" In November
I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw open the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body,
your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tightly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms,
to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck,
flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm
running them through the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body,
to a laying place, so that I can
put inside you what was well
prepared to enter you before
we even came through the door.
As soon as I lay you down
your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first,
getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster
I put it in, pushing it in deeply
as far as I can, until I can't
put any more in, you are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly,
not wanting to release any of it,
I make you so hot for a very long time,
until your sweet juices escape from within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first,
your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth,
you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth,
making me drool in anticipation
of eating you more, with every taste.
"Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace
"Thank God for Butterball turkey...Amen"
This guy, call him Neil, was dating this girl for a few months and
they were starting to get a little serious. So she invites him to her
home for Thanksgiving dinner, to meet her whole family.
The appointed day arrives and Neil goes to meet the folks. Grandma
and Grandpa are there, a couple of sisters and their husbands -- and
two babies in diapers. Much joshing about when Neil and the girl will
be having their little ones, ha ha ha.
Dinner goes well, and Neil eats lots. After dinner, back to the
living room, everyone getting along famously, and Neil's pretty
smooth with the crowd.
Neil starts to feel a little rumbling in his stomach, and is pretty
sure he has to pass some gas. No problem, he thinks. Just discreetly
list to starboard, and rely on the couch fabric for any necessary
So he prepares himself to squeeze out the small gas-bubble -- and
realizes with alarm that he has released a little more than he intended.
He has, in fact, shit his pants.
He sits there for a moment or two, with a real frozen smile on his
face, his mind racing a thousand miles an hour. He decides to bluff
his way through, but after a few minutes, there are noses wrinkling
all around the room. The two moms pull their babies' diapers back to
peer in and check for "gifts", but the babies are clean, literally
Neil knows he has to act fast, so he excuses himself and heads for
the bathroom. Like nobody knows why.
When he gets in there, he peels off his trou's and briefs, and cleans
The pants are unstained, but he has a new problem: Now what does he
do with the soiled briefs?
He pulls at the bathroom window, figuring to heave the dainties into
the backyard, and pick them up later. But it's winter, and the window
is forzen shut on the outside.
So he wads them up and flushes them!
Perfect. Except the toilet starts to back up because of the clog
caused by the soggy shorts.
He can't leave them and complain of a clogged pipe, because if his
girlfriend's dad has to Roto-rooter the thing, the shredded skimpies
will be Neil's undoing.
So he grabs the plunger and starts hammering away like John Henry
laying rail, sweating his ass off and praying like a born-again Holy
Roller. The shitty, smelly water is getting close to the rim of the
And then it flushes.
Talk about relief, in more ways than one.
Neil is practically hysterical with relief, and sits down to gather
There's a knock on the bathroom door.
So he gets up, throughs his pants on, and swings open the door,
and there's the girlfriend's mom, staring at him with a look somewhere
between concern and alarm.
No wonder. He sneaks a peak in the mirror, and sees this apparition:
hair matted with sweat, shirt-tail out, and it smells like the basement
suite of a four-hole outhouse in there.
"Is everything all right, Neil?" the Mrs. asks, no doubt wondering
what the hell has been going on.
"Oh, sure," Neil nonchalants.
And he saunters out into the living room, rejoins the party, and all
Neil and the girl got married, and he STILL hasn't told her.
You should hear him tell it, though.
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of...Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming...
The first Thanksgiving in North America was not, as is commonly
assumed, the Pilgrim's harvest feast at Plymouth Colony, Mass.,
in 1621. Rather, Sir Martin Frobisher, the explorer, was the first
to hold a Thanksgiving celebration with his crew in 1578 on
Kodlurnarn Island in Canada's eastern Arctic.
Hear about the American who asked the Britisher, "How come you
celebrate Thanksgiving way back at the first part of October, when
we celebrate it in late November?"
"We celebrate it when they left!"
by Jack Prelutsky
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair
it ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom
then splattered all over the kitchen
completely obscuring the room
it stuck to the walls and the windows
it totally coated the floor
there was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there'd never been turkey before
it blanketed every appliance
it smeared every saucer and bowl
there wasn't a way I could stop it
that turkey was out of control
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.