Insurance Jokes

Insurance Jokes

  Three Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant 
boasting about each companies' service.
  The first one said, "When one of our insured died
suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and 
were able to process the claim for the wife and had 
mailed a check on Wednesday evening".
  The second one said, "When one of our insured died 
without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours 
and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening".
  The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is 
on the 20th floor of the World Trade Center, Tower 1. 
One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th 
floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he 
passed our floor".

  A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
  "We don't need anyone," they replied.
  "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone 
anytime anything."
  "We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell.
If you can sell just one, you have a job."
  He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them 
two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
  "How in the world did you do that," they asked.
  "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone 
anywhere anytime."
  "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
  "Whats that?" he asked.
  "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company 
requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back 
and get urine samples."
  He was gone about 8 hours and they were fixing to close 
when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each 
hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket 
and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk 
and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."
  "Thats good," they said, "but whats in those two buckets?"
  "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a 
state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group 

  My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to 
change his address from Texas to Vermont.  The woman who took 
the call asked where Vermont was.
  As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, 
I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

  John wanted to have a very good insurance so he asked for offers.
The first company offered: "From cradle to grave" but the second
was better: "From womb to tomb." John was just taking this when
a third company came with the ultimate offer: "From erection to


  The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult 
to fill out the application.
  The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said 
that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death 
of his father.
  The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment 
the client explained that his father had been hanged.
  The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was 
taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"


  Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was 
unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. 
  "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision,"
he announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, 
and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

  I happen to subscribe to Money Magazine which contains lots 
of tips. Take auto insurance for example.  I carried $250. 
deductible and checking with my insurance agent $500. 
deductible would save me about $300. in annual premiums. So I 
told my agent to go ahead and change it to $500. deductible. 
Fine, the ins co sent me a refund for the annual premium 
(prorated) for the deductible.
  Then I got a nasty letter from the Credit Union saying that
they had to have $250 deductible.  So I marched off to the 
Credit Union and after three clerks and extensive lines, I was 
told it was "their policy". 
  So I said, well, I can afford $500 just as easy as $250, 
besides I am saving $300 a year on the premium.
  "We don't care, $250 deductible is our policy".
  Then I said, well, I have more money in credit union shares
than I owe on the damn car.
  "So what? $250. is our policy."
  I said, screw it, give me the pink slip (ownership 
certificate) and use my share account to pay the thing off.
  "Sorry, the computer is down and we cannot query for the 
balance due."
  Here is my last credit union statement showing the 
balance owed.
  "Sorry, we have to get the balance out of the computer".  
But...since payment on this loan is through payroll deduction, 
all you have to do is calculate from the end of the prior month 
as only two weeks have passed since the last statement date.
  "Sorry, we still have to get the balance out of the computer."
  Screw it.
  So I went to another window and inquired as to the balance in 
my share account.  Asked and got a check for the total balance 
minus $5.  Which you have to leave in to retain you membership 
in the credit union.  I then deposited this check in my bank 
account and filled out a payroll deduction form canceling my 
payroll deduction to the credit union.
  When this hit the company IBM Sierra and it talked to the 
credit union computer - ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!
  The credit union manager called me on the phone and told me 
if I did not reinstate the payroll deduction they would
repossess the car!  
  So I went to the credit union once again with checkbook in 
hand and stormed into the Manager's office and demanded the 
damn pink slip.  I told him that I was slightly annoyed and 
that at a recent seminar on communication that we were taught 
to remember that "a clerk is a jerk." 
  He took offense to that and immediately calculated what the 
balance of the loan was BY HAND with a 10-key adding machine 
without a digital display, an old fashioned paper tape!
  Egads!  Needless to say, I got my pink slip and the devil 
made me do it, I bought a green eyeshade for the Credit Union 
Manager to go with his old fashioned adding machine.

Life Insurance Agent:  Don't let me frighten you into a
decision.  Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the 
morning, let me know what you think.

  As part of its direct marketing program, J.C. Penneys sells 
life insurance over the phone.  One of the oddest events these 
telemarketers had was when they received one phone call from a 
person wanting to buy life insurance.  The person who answered 
the phone began writing the sale as normal until she got to 
the new customer's residence; he was on death row, due to be 
executed the next day.  She had to decline the sale.

The Story of Twelve Insurance Men

First man slept with his wife .............Home Insurance

Second man slept with his girl ............Mutual Benefit

Third man slept with a chorus girl ........New York Life

Fourth man slept with his secretary .......Employers Mutual

Fifth man slept with a hotel maid .........Travelers Aid

Sixth man slept with just anybody .........Metropolitan

Seventh man slept with nobody .............John Handcock

Eighth man slept with the woman next door..Royal Neighbors

Ninth man slept with an old maid ..........Prudential

Tenth man slept with grandma ..............Old Age Insurance

Eleventh man slept with his boyfriend .....Odd Fellows

Twelfth man slept with Charlie McCarthy ...Modern Woodsman

  The insurance agent was questioning the cowboy who had 
applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?" he inquired.
  "Nope," was the answer.
  "Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously.
  "Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though."
  "And don't you call that an accident?" exclaimed the amazed agent.
  "Nope; the danged varmint done it a-purpose."

  Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the
insurance company.
  Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured 
for fifty thousand and I want my money."
  The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. 
Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the 
value of what was insured and  provide you with a new one of 
comparable worth."
  There was a long pause before Susan replied, "In that case, 
I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Plain English homeowner's policy.

  Well, this isn't really sick or disgusting; but it does 
have something to do with lawyers. And, if any of you have 
your homeowner policy handy, you will be surprised at how 
on point it is! It's quite true in many respects:


The ______________Insurance Company has issued this policy
to _______________________for a period of _____ year(s) 
ending promptly at midnight, standard time on ______________.

Property Location: _______________________________________.

Amount of Insurance you bought:
$_________ Blanket, on your house, all the accumulated furniture 
and shit inside your house, your garage (the one where you park 
your car, not Al's Body Shop) and any other small building on 
the lot, and what it costs to live when your house is burned 
down or something like that happens, for so long as we say it's 

We also will defend you in court if some sonuvabitch makes a 
claim against you, or pay his damages, and we'll pay the medical 
bills of some people who get hurt accidentally at your place, or 
some other places.

(We could spell it out in detail, but you wouldn't understand 
one F***ing word of it anyway--shit--we had to hire ten lawyers 
just to figure THIS out after we wrote it).


1. If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you 
   money, call us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to 
   pay for it.

2. Our agent has already told you that this is the new "ALL RISK"
   policy. He was correct as far as he went, but he doesn't even 
   know what the F*** he's selling.  So, if you have any questions, 
   call or write to us, not some jackoff insurance salesman.

3. Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost
   or how godawful new it is or how it never leaked before.  If 
   you try to shit us, we'll not only cancel this F***er so fast 
   it'll make your head swim; we'll pass the word around and you 
   won't ever be able to get an insurance policy again, short of 
   Hong Kong Mutual.  There's so much F***ing regulation, and an 
   Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's Jesus Christ, that we 
   CAN'T LIE to YOU--It'd be our ass.  So, don't give us any song 
   and dance or we'll land on your ass hard.

4. Replacement Cost: F***ing forget it! You don't need it. We'll 
   pay what is fair, with or without any goddam Replacement Cost 
   Coverage. And, we don't give a shit what your goddam neighbor's 
   policy has on it.

5. The Amount of Insurance You Bought, listed above, is the
   absolute most we will pay no matter what your house and other
   shit is worth or however many people sue your ass for any one
   accident.  So, you'd better be goddam sure you've bought enough
   to cover the worst F***ing disaster you can imagine.  Don't
   depend on your agent for this!!!  If he had any imagination, 
   he'd find an HONEST occupation.

6. Don't bother us with a lot of questions about what is and isn't
   covered by this insurance.  We'll tell you when you need to 
   know. If we told you now, you'd forget it in an hour--if you 
   ever understood it in the first place.

7. YOUR DUTIES:  (1)  Pay the F***ing premium and (2) Call us 
   right away when you think something's happened (don't try to 
   analyze it, just call in); that's all you gotta do.  Don't 
   try to get cute--see item (3) above in case you forgot already 
   (which doesn't surprise us).

8. If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know.
   By the way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or 
   boat or has something to do with your job--forget it!  Don't 
   call us; we couldn't care less!

By: ______________________________ Dated ___________________

  Two insurance salesmen were driving down a country road at high 
speed and passed a pickup truck with an old couple inside.
  "Look at those fools, pa! Must be a couple of insurance salesman 
and they will surely meet their maker soon, I tell you."
Well, sure enough, a little while later the couple comes across a 
bad accident involving the two insurance salesmen.
  "Well maw, we got to do what any good folk would do and give'm a
decent burial."
  So the couple dug a hole and buried the insurance salesman. Just 
as they were putting their tools away, a cop drives up.
  "You folks see this accident?"
  "No sir, but we knew them dang fools were going to have it when 
they passed us doing a hunert miles an hour. Well, we finally come
across the accident and gave them insurance salesman a decent burial"
  "You were sure that they were dead??"
  "Well, they said they weren't, but you know how those insurance
salesmen exaggerate!"

Statements taken from Insurance Claims Forms...

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree 
I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its

I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up, when I 
put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the enbankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and
I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop
in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat,
found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out
of its way, when it struck the front end.

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than
I thought." 

I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. 
I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it 
with a blanket." 

Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? 
Traveled by bus? 

I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel 
and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused 
me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." 

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke. 

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion
reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control. 

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have
asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes
   of a hazardous nature? 
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan. 

First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis 
ran into the rear of second car.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo. 

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again

A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up 
in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then
rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The 
car then sped off and miraculously our client remained 
conscious and managed to cross the road."

A customer collided with a cow.  The questions and
answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching
lorries, and another on the woman behind.

On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane
but the other car didn't give way.

Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they
were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of 
me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times 
across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't 
connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had
convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.

Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take
his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until
after it happened.

We had completed the turn and had just straightened the
car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the
ladies' room.

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