Vasectomy Jokes

Vasectomy Jokes



A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
 


What do a Christmas tree and a man who's had a vasectomy have in common?
They both have ornamental balls.



Hear about the guy that had his vasectomy done at Sears?
Whenever he gets a hard-on, his garage door opens.



What's the difference between the epididymis and the urethra?
I don't remember all the details but there's definitely a 
vas defrens between them.



  I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle 
got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. He forgot 
to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his 
house and knocked up my aunt. 



  After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that 
that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him 
that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
  The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to 
go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up 
to his ear and count to 10.
  The Arky said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, 
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear 
is going to help me."
  So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion.
  The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for 
a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas.
  This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, 
place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
  Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, 
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his 
ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...",  at which point he 
paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on 
his other hand.



  Two men are in a doctor's office.  Each of them are to get 
a vasectomy.
  The nurse comes into the room & tells both men, "Strip and
put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have 
your procedures done.".
  A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one mans gown 
and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
  Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?"
  To which she replies "We have to vacate the sperm from your 
system to have a clean procedure."
  The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows 
her to complete her task.  After she is through, she proceeds 
to the next man. She starts to fondle the man as she had the 
previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give 
him oral sex.
  The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it 
that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"
  The nurse simply replies, "That is the difference between an 
HMO and Complete Coverage.".



  While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off 
one of the man's balls.  To avoid a huge malpractice suit, 
he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion.  
  Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
  "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
  "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But 
then he added, "I've had some strange side effects."
  "What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously.
  "Well, every time I piss my eyes water.  When my wife 
gives me a blow job she gets heartburn.  And every time 
I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on".



*** VASECTOMY ***

Well, I went to see my doctor
I said, "Doc, I can't pay my bills,
The rent's all spent, the truck's got a dent
And I think I'm gettin' the chills
From bein' forced to sleep alone...
You see, this house just ain't no home
I can't afford no kids, my life is on the skids
'Cause my woman says 'Leave me alone

Unless you get a va - sectomy
You oughta get a va - sectomy
Just one little male alteration
Can keep us from another altercation,
Get a - vasectomy
You oughta get a va - sectomy
Oh what a Vas Deferens there could be'"

Well, the next thing I know, I'm layin' on a table
With a light shinin' in my eyes.
They strapped my wrists, they strapped my ankles
And they DOUBLE-strapped my thighs!
The nurses were a-gigglin' and I was a-wigglin'
Most uncomfortably,
Then the doc walked in with a perverted grin
And here's what he said to me:

It only hurts....for a little while....
That's what they tell me...that's what they say
*erk* *oof* *yike!* *rmmpt* *ahh*

Well, it's two weeks later and I feel a little better
My mind is more at ease...
The rent's still spent, the truck's got a dent
But my woman's no longer a tease...
And even down at the office
There is a lot more interest in me...
The girls all grin when I walk in
And brother, they mean to please

A man with a va - sectomy
You oughta get a va - sectomy
Like a Sunkist orange, I've been squeezed
'Cause it's all juice, and there's no seeds
With a - vasectomy
You oughta get a va - sectomy
Oh what a Vas Deferens, it's beginning to make a little sense,
Oh what a Vas Deferens there could -

*spoken*
Here is the part that I like the most:
It takes the danger out of bein' close
*sung*  
Oh what a Vas Deferens, there could -
*spoken*
They snip those little suckers right in two,
And they clamp 'em off with SUPER GLUE!
*sung*  
Oh what a Vas Deferens THERE COULD BEEEEEEeeeeeeee!



  One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor 
came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there 
anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
  "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
  "That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your 
family?"
  "Yeah,...and they're in favor 15 to 2."



  It's not often we get a good chuckle from comments made by our 
clients. I would like to share comments from one of the male client
satisfaction surveys we are asking men to fill out evaluating our 
vasectomy clinic services.  This one came from a health department
office here in Idaho.
  The question is:
  Do you have any suggestions about how we could improve our clinic
or services to meet your needs?  

Answers:
1) More pictures of big game
2) Ducks, you don't have any ducks.  You need ducks
3) A different copy of Field & Stream on every seat.
4) Big stuffed animals.  That would make me feel way more comfortable.
   Don't you think?
5) Take down the big Vasectomy sign, that makes me uncomfortable.
6) Free car wash with visit





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