Veterinarian Jokes

Veterinarian Jokes

  Mrs. Bronson's kitty isn't feeling well - a bad case of 
constipation.  She takes it to the vet, who gives her a new 
kind of laxative.
  "Give her about six teaspoons of this, and she'll be 
better in no time."
  Mrs. Bronson does as she's told and returns a week later.
  The vet asks, "How's your calf?"
  "I don't have a calf. It was my cat who wasn't feeling well."
  "Well, how's your cat doing?"
  "I'm not sure.  The last time I saw her, she was heading 
toward the north end of town with ten other cats.  Five were 
digging, three were covering, and two were scouting for new 

  One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. 
She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny 
and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in
a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named 
her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and 
said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
   My husband, the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to 
wash her, she stinks."
  My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby
El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
  The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which 
is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full 
of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in 
popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is 
finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by 
the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!"

  My roommate works at the local animal shelter.  Since we live 
here in the progressive town of Chapel Hill, this animal shelter
actually has an emergency rescue service for animals, replete 
with a special van outfitted with animal carriers as well as an 
around-the-clock hot line used to dispatch volunteers at any time
of the day or night.  Volunteers are typically assigned shifts of
two or three day stretches -- such as weekends -- and carry a 
beeper and a mobile phone so that they can be easily reached.
  Anyway, recently my roommate was talking with another volunteer, 
whom I'll call "Hugh". Hugh related that he was on duty one 
weekend and got a call in the early evening from a woman saying 
that her dog had been hit by a car. Hugh hurriedly drove the van 
over there to see a small pooch cavorting happily around the lawn.
  Hugh stopped the animal long enough to give it a quick 
examination, and could discover no serious injuries -- broken 
bones, dislocations, signs of internal bleeding, stuff like that.
 The only thing he found was a small cut on the dog's lip.  He 
released the dog, which went back to playing, and he told the
woman that there didn't appear to be any serious injuries and 
that the dog looked fine.  The woman had been somewhat distraught, 
so Hugh added, "If he starts acting strangely, just let us know 
and we'll come right back out."
  The woman thanked him and he left. Apparently, end of story.
  Not quite.
  Hugh goes to bed that night, gets awakened at 2 AM by a call. 
It's the woman.  She's concerned about her dog.  Hugh asks why.
  The woman answers, "He's acting sleepy."

  A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. 
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, 
how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted 
  "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients 
these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by 
looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
  The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, 
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have 
to have you put to sleep."

  One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man 
and the receptionist were verbally sparring.
  After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defence.
  "Sir...Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office??"

  A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got 
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with
a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they
had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
  At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.
  "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
  "Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
  "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of 
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't
get to sleep. What can I do about it?"  
  There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently
replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
  "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"
  "Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

Customer service representatives answer straightforward pet care and
nutrition questions, however some calls can be quite unconventional
as follows:

My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering...
how many calories are in a mouse?

I have a neutered male cat.  How old should he be before 
I can breed him?

What should I feed a borderline collie?

What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?

Is it normal for a dog to shed?

How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?

My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in 
the vacuum cleaner.  Any suggestions?

How can I get the secret recipe for your special dog food?

How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?

Your food turned my dog into a stud.  Now what do I do?

Do you know how to toilet train a cat?

I have three cats.  Is it true that a special brand of cat 
food makes the poop smell better?

Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?

Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

  A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, 
"My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" 
  "Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" 
  So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look 
at its eyes. 
  "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." 
  "Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.
  "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

  All day long Bob had been feeling guilty. No matter how hard 
he tried he couldn't forget. The guilt and sense of betrayal 
overwhelmed him. Every once in a while though he could hear a 
quiet inner voice reassuring him, "Bob, don't worry about it.  
You are not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients 
and you certainly won't be the last."
  Then, invariably though, another voice would bring him back 
to reality, "Bob, you are a veterinarian."

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room, 
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

  A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but had to borrow the 
money from the bank to do so.  The banker who lent the money came by
a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained
that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.
  The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
  The next week the banker returned to see if the vet had helped.
  The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all my cows, 
broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows too!"
  "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".
  "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
  "What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
  "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of tasted like 

  Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, 
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
  The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
  "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want 
anything to make her think she's welcome."

  A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her 
husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help.
  The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles
and he will stop snoring. Of course, the woman is very skeptical in 
believing this and goes home. A few hours after going to bed, the 
dog is snoring as usual.  Finally, getting very frustrated, she goes
to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's 
testicles and, sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
  The woman is amazed.
  Later that night, her husband returns from being out with his friends
and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring
very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work
on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it
on her husband's testicles. Amazing, it also work on him.
  The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly.
  The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles 
into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet,
he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his testicles.
He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon
to his dog's scrotum.
  He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what the heck 
happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first and
second place."

  Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.  
He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought 
to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
  After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, 
he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
  "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
  "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong
with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer 
visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being 
gypped here?"
  "Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

  A man riding out in the bush fell from his horse and broke his leg.
He was a long way out, so the situation looked pretty grim.
  Then the horse grabbed the man's belt in his teeth and dragged him 
to the shade of a nearby tree.  He made the man as comfortable as he 
could and then galloped off to get help.
  The man discussed the incident a few weeks later with a friend, 
who--very impressed--praised the horse's intelligence.
  "He's not so smart," said the animal's owner. "He came back 
with a vet."

  Has anyone had to take a cat to the Vet? On public transport? 
  I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my 
life except for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder. My cat 
had a Sheep Tick lodged on his head, that could not be removed, 
so I decided to take him to the vet. When I had bought the cat, 
I'd also bought a cat basket made from stout wicker for this 
very purpose. 
  I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and 
gave me a cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, 
"If you think I am going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, 
furry body in that, you can shove it up your arse, mate" 
  So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing 
soft, gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs
that are banned and owned by people with their names tattooed on 
their foreheads in mirror writing. Cat started to purr, albeit 
suspiciously. However, as soon as I got him near the door of the 
basket, his limbs shot so wide that he was clawing at both sides 
of the room simultaneously. There followed two minutes of what 
seemed like fighting with an angry furry octopus with more claws
than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don King with his 
German helmet caught in his fly. 
  "Come on, puss, go in" 
  "Get in you fat furry *!#%" 
  Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds. 
But I had been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy 
Krueger round for tea and angered him with a comment about his 
mother's facial hair. So, I took him to the bus stop and waited 
in the queue. Cat sat with his paws folded with an expression of 
loathing disgust, planning his ultimate revenge.... We got on the 
bus and sat down. It was the usual group of afternoon, off-peak 
passengers; Old ladies because they could travel for free and 
spotty adolescents going to burgle houses. For the first few 
minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and licking 
his bottom. Then it started. 
  The old lady next to me was rather startled. I think she thought 
it was an Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling "Old Fritz is at
it again and my Arthur was never the same after they shot one of 
his balls off" But it soon became apparent to everyone on the bus 
that it was Cat who was making the racket. Spotty kid at the back 
took his Walkman headphones off. 
  Then came the bombshell. It started as the faintest whiff - the 
merriest zephyr wafting up my nose. It's worth pondering for a 
moment what goes on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes 
in at the front end. Certain brands of cat food in the UK have 
recently been classified as "fit for human consumption". But if I 
came home after a hard day at the office and found a tin of that 
laid out for my dinner there would be a great deal of shouting and 
a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food is vile. There is a common bond 
that is shared across humanity - everyone in the whole world, when
opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts profanities when
they get a whiff of it. Even Arabs. So, considering the material a
cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs developed 
by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on a bus 
surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face 
Pulling camp; Pointing competition. And then came the urine. 
  Yokshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered 
a drought. In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water
Limited had to draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the 
depleted reservoirs. They needn't have bothered. All they had to 
do was couple a pipeline to my cat's wang, erect a sizable 
distilling facility and provide gas masks to the local residents. 
I have never seen as much urine come from a living being. I've 
giggled at horses relieving temselves in fields, and I've seen 
an elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV program. But they 
are insignificant compared to the amount of fluid that a cat can 
hold when it's angry. Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the 
multi-dimensionality that allows my 16 pound cat to store gallons
of water in its zeppelin of a bladder. 
  Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal. 
  So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers. My khaki, summer 
trousers. The crotch of my trousers. It was way before my stop, 
but I just had to get off the bus because people were starting to 
threaten me between retches. I walked down the aisle, dripping with
wee, holding a caterwauling ball of furry anger in a basket. 
  I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking 
straight at the dark, damp patch that was my crotch. It was very 
difficult to retain my dignity. When I got to the Vet's, the man 
took one look at the cat, whipped out some tweezers and had the 
Tick removed in an instant. 
  Presenting me with a bill that was large enough to buy food for 
a platoon of hungry soldiers with tapeworms, he said "You could have
removed that at home - you needn't have made the effort to come all 
the way here". 
  The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...", 
followed by "Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with "That bill 
has got to be paid -- it's no good wiping your crotch with it". 

Welcome to (Your Vet's) Automated Telephone System!

To make an appointment please press 1.

To tell us your life history as well as your pet's before
making your appointment please press 2.

To speak directly to a doctor press 3.

If you feel your pet's condition warrants pulling a doctor
away from the patient he/she is currently seeing or operating
on press 4.

For a listing of the doctor's home telephone #
and beeper #, please press 5.

To schedule emergency after hours surgery press 6.

If your regular vet is on vacation press 7.

If your pet's condition has persisted for 2-6 months but has 
suddenly become an emergency and he needs to be seen this 
evening (after 6 PM)... please press 8.

For a toenail trim on your 100-lb aggressive dog... press 9.
If it is before 7am or after 7pm, please press 10 for our
treatment technician's home phone number.

If you would like us to hold a check for you until the
following month please press 11.

If you would like us to post date a previously held post 
dated check press 12.

If you would like us to mail back your post dated check so 
that you can send us one for less money, or to make other 
payment arrangements...please press 13 for our office manager.

Also, press 13 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies
with vomiting and bloody diarrhea and you have $10 in your 

If you have been on hold for 10 minutes press 14.

If you have been on hold for 20 minutes press 15.

If you have been on hold for 30 minutes press 16
for the receptionist or e-mail her at

If you are under stress and need to project your anger at someone,
press 17 for a receptionist.

To determine if your pet's condition (i.e. hit by car, grand 
mal seizures, or unconscious) is serious and it needs to be 
seen today, press 18. Our team of experts are standing by 
waiting to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes.

If your animal has not eaten in 10 days press 19.

If you have accidentally taken your animal's flea control pill
or heartworm medicine press 20.

If your reptile (snake, Savannah monitor, iguana, chameleon, etc.)
has been living in a dark, 30 degree room and has not eaten in 
60 days press 21.

If you have a 200+ lb.. pot-bellied pig or other large farm animal
please press 22 for drive through surgery service.

If you live in a rural area and your "rock walder gots the mange"
press 23.

If your initials are sq. or you just want to talk press 24 and
our receptionist will set up a private home appointment for you 
with a vet.

If your mouse was eaten by your snake, your snake killed by your 
cat, your cat attacked by your dog, and your dog was kicked by 
your goat please press 25.

  None of these numbers will give you a real person, but they'll 
take your mind off your problems for awhile.
  Our automated telephone service allows us to serve your pet's 
needs 24 hours a day 7 days a week!

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