Country Music Jokes

Country Music Jokes



  Country singer George Jones was injured in a car crash. 
Police say two factors contributed to the crash:  
(1) Jones lost control while talking on a cell phone, and 
(2) crap like this always happens to country singers."  



  "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those 
who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 
'put down.'" 
  -- Bob Newhart



  Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going 
to be shot.
  One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed 
all kinds of music.  Before they were shot they were asked 
for one last request before they died.
   The country music lover said, "I would like to listen to 
'Achy Breaky Heart' fifty times in a row."
  The other music lover says, "Please, shoot me first."



  "Hey there, pa'dner. What the heck is that there rock that 
makes them words sound so much alike?"
  "That's a rhyme stone, Cowboy."
 


  I was told that most country and western songs are about common 
everyday events.  I decided to try it for myself. I accidently 
spilled some beer on my stove today...it was traumatic as it was 
my last one.
  I will relate it to you in song...

 Foam, foam on the range.
 Where my beeer tipped over and sprayed
 Where seldom is heard,
 a discouraging word
 Cuz what can some spilled beer foam say



What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?
The first row at a Willie Nelson concert!


How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to do it and one to sing a song reminiscing about all 
the good times he had with the old bulb.


What happens if you play country music backwards?
your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you
get out of prison.




DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG


I met her __________  _____;  I can still recall _________
             (1)       (2)                          (3)

1.                      2.                      3.
on the highway          in September            that purple dress
in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants
on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin
incognito               with joggers            the neon sign
in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid
in a gay bar            dead all over           the boxer shorts


she wore; She was ______  _____,
                    (4)    (5)

4.                                  5
sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu


and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
             (6)      (7)        (8)

6.                                    7.                     8.
no guy would ever love her more       I promised her         stay with her
that she would be an easy score       I knew deep down       warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store  She asked me if        swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore     I told her shrink      change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"      The judge declared     punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore     My Pooh Bear said      live off her
it was a raven, nothing more          I shrieked in pain     have my rash
we really lost the last World War     The painters knew      stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor  A Klingon said         hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for       My hamster thought     pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core       The blood test showed  play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor     Her rabbi said         salivate


She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
                (9)                               (10)

9.                           10.
our love would never die     run off
there was no other guy       wind up
man wasn't meant to fly      boogie
that Nixon didn't lie        yodel
her basset hound was shy     sky dive
that Rolaids made her high   turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye    freak out
she loved my one blue eye    blast off
her brother's name was Hy    make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"      black out
that birthdays made her cry  bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie    grovel

___________; _________ goodbye.
   (11)        (12)

11.                         12.
  with my best friend       You'd think at least that she'd have said
  in my Edsel               I never had the chance to say
  on a surfboard            She told her fat friend Grace to say
  on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
  with her dentist          I guess I was too smashed to say
  on her "Workmate"         I watched her melt away and sobbed
  with a robot              She fell beneath the wheels and cried
  with no clothes on        She sent a hired thug to say
  at her health club        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
  in her Maytag             I pushed her off the bridge and waved
  with her guru             But that's the way that pygmies say
  while in labor            She sealed me in the vault and smirked.




   A man who wanted to be a proctologist decided to go down to the 
morgue after class and practice a little. (don't ask)  Once inside
he uncovers the first stiff and notices there is a cork in it's ass.
He thought it quite strange, so he pulled it out and music started 
playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road 
again..."
  He freaked out and ran to get the Medical Examiner and dragged 
him back to the table.
  "Look!" he said, and pulled the cork out again. "...On the road 
again..."
  The Medical Examiner is totally unimpressed saying "So what?" 
  "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the man asked.
  "Are you kidding?" replied the Medical Examiner. "Any asshole can 
sing country music!"

 

REJECTED COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES

The Trailer Sure Seems Lonely Now That You and 
Our Nine Kids Are Gone

You Can Take the Boy Outta the Country, but You Can't Take 
the Bullets Outta That Liberal City-Boy Who Just Cut Me Off 
in His Saab

Smells Like Team Roping

I Dropped the Bookcase On My Darlin' and Pleaded Shelf Defense

(Her Bar Tab Is a) Leading Economic Indicator

I Thought I Had Tourette's, But I Just Like Talkin' Dirty To You

You're My Kleenex of Love, and I'm Afraid I'm Gonna Blow It

Bacon and Eczema For Two

Achy, Breaky, Hanky, Panky, Am I Drunk or Are You Skanky?

The Ballad of Pretty Mouth Dan

My Urine is A-Burnin', and You'd Better Believe I'm Pissed

Tearstains on My Pillow Are the Only Wet Spots in My Bed

I Can't Stop Thinkin' About Cowboys (And I'm a Cowboy, Too)

 

Actual Country and Western Song Titles

The fun in country music is in the words--lines soaked in moonshine
humour so wry and raunchy you won't be sober for days.

I don't mind getting burned if I could just get near the glow.
 
It took a hell of a man to take my Ann, but it sure didn't take him long.

When I'm alone, I'm in bad company.

I don't know whether to kill myself, or go bowling.

How come my dog don't bark when you come around?

I wouldn't take you to a dog fight even if I thought you could win.

Them that ain't got can't lose.

I may fall again, but I'll never get up this slow.

You're the busiest memory in town.

She feels like a new man tonight.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

You're gonna love yourself in the morning, because I'm gonna love you
 all night long.

It was always so easy to find an unhappy woman till I started looking
 for mine.

Thank God and Greyhound you're gone.

She caught me lying and then she caught a train.

The more I think of you, the less I think of me.

Don't cry down my back, baby, you might rust my spurs.

He made me dance before the music started.

I can't afford to half my half again.

There's no use running if you're on the wrong road.

When your cup of love is full, I'm begging you to pour it all on me.

You must think my bed's a bus stop, the way you come and go.

She stepped on my heart and stomped the sucker flat.

Forever, for us, wasn't nearly as long as we planned.

Just in time to be too late.

I'm afraid to come home early without warning.

The work we done was hard. At night we would sleep 'cause we was tard.

I've been a long time leaving, but I'll be a long time gone.

I'm sick and tired of waking up so sick and tired.

It takes me all night long to do what I used to do all night long.

My wife ran off with my best friend and I miss him.

The only thing I can count on now is my fingers.

Send a dozen roses up to her and pour four for me.

I'm going someplace I hope I find.

I'm too low to get high.

He's walking in my tracks, but he can't fill my shoes.

For better or for worse, but not for long.

I gave a ring and she gave me the finger.

She took everything but the blame.

Just because you got to first base don't mean you're home free.

Walk out backwards so I'll think you're coming in.

The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had

Do You Love As Good As You Look?

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Wanna Whip Your Cow

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
 
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your 
  Welfare Line 

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
  Breaking My Heart
 
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down,
  But Baby I Can See Through You

Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From
  Breakin' Out

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've 
Been A Liar All My Life? 

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised 




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