Country singer George Jones was injured in a car crash. Police say two factors contributed to the crash: (1) Jones lost control while talking on a cell phone, and (2) crap like this always happens to country singers." "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'" -- Bob Newhart Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going to be shot. One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed all kinds of music. Before they were shot they were asked for one last request before they died. The country music lover said, "I would like to listen to 'Achy Breaky Heart' fifty times in a row." The other music lover says, "Please, shoot me first." "Hey there, pa'dner. What the heck is that there rock that makes them words sound so much alike?" "That's a rhyme stone, Cowboy." I was told that most country and western songs are about common everyday events. I decided to try it for myself. I accidently spilled some beer on my stove today...it was traumatic as it was my last one. I will relate it to you in song... Foam, foam on the range. Where my beeer tipped over and sprayed Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word Cuz what can some spilled beer foam say What has 72 legs and 26 teeth? The first row at a Willie Nelson concert! How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to do it and one to sing a song reminiscing about all the good times he had with the old bulb. What happens if you play country music backwards? your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison. DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________ (1) (2) (3) 1. 2. 3. on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with joggers the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts she wore; She was ______ _____, (4) (5) 4. 5 sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra smellin' kind of funny when she shot me crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever; (6) (7) (8) 6. 7. 8. no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off booze that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my sex I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said hate her dog what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish" that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____ (9) (10) 9. 10. our love would never die run off there was no other guy wind up man wasn't meant to fly boogie that Nixon didn't lie yodel her basset hound was shy sky dive that Rolaids made her high turn green she'd have a swiss on rye freak out she loved my one blue eye blast off her brother's name was Hy make it she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out that birthdays made her cry bobsled she couldn't stand my tie grovel ___________; _________ goodbye. (11) (12) 11. 12. with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said in my Edsel I never had the chance to say on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked. A man who wanted to be a proctologist decided to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. (don't ask) Once inside he uncovers the first stiff and notices there is a cork in it's ass. He thought it quite strange, so he pulled it out and music started playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." He freaked out and ran to get the Medical Examiner and dragged him back to the table. "Look!" he said, and pulled the cork out again. "...On the road again..." The Medical Examiner is totally unimpressed saying "So what?" "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the man asked. "Are you kidding?" replied the Medical Examiner. "Any asshole can sing country music!" REJECTED COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES The Trailer Sure Seems Lonely Now That You and Our Nine Kids Are Gone You Can Take the Boy Outta the Country, but You Can't Take the Bullets Outta That Liberal City-Boy Who Just Cut Me Off in His Saab Smells Like Team Roping I Dropped the Bookcase On My Darlin' and Pleaded Shelf Defense (Her Bar Tab Is a) Leading Economic Indicator I Thought I Had Tourette's, But I Just Like Talkin' Dirty To You You're My Kleenex of Love, and I'm Afraid I'm Gonna Blow It Bacon and Eczema For Two Achy, Breaky, Hanky, Panky, Am I Drunk or Are You Skanky? The Ballad of Pretty Mouth Dan My Urine is A-Burnin', and You'd Better Believe I'm Pissed Tearstains on My Pillow Are the Only Wet Spots in My Bed I Can't Stop Thinkin' About Cowboys (And I'm a Cowboy, Too) Actual Country and Western Song Titles The fun in country music is in the words--lines soaked in moonshine humour so wry and raunchy you won't be sober for days. I don't mind getting burned if I could just get near the glow. It took a hell of a man to take my Ann, but it sure didn't take him long. When I'm alone, I'm in bad company. I don't know whether to kill myself, or go bowling. How come my dog don't bark when you come around? I wouldn't take you to a dog fight even if I thought you could win. Them that ain't got can't lose. I may fall again, but I'll never get up this slow. You're the busiest memory in town. She feels like a new man tonight. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. You're gonna love yourself in the morning, because I'm gonna love you all night long. It was always so easy to find an unhappy woman till I started looking for mine. Thank God and Greyhound you're gone. She caught me lying and then she caught a train. The more I think of you, the less I think of me. Don't cry down my back, baby, you might rust my spurs. He made me dance before the music started. I can't afford to half my half again. There's no use running if you're on the wrong road. When your cup of love is full, I'm begging you to pour it all on me. You must think my bed's a bus stop, the way you come and go. She stepped on my heart and stomped the sucker flat. Forever, for us, wasn't nearly as long as we planned. Just in time to be too late. I'm afraid to come home early without warning. The work we done was hard. At night we would sleep 'cause we was tard. I've been a long time leaving, but I'll be a long time gone. I'm sick and tired of waking up so sick and tired. It takes me all night long to do what I used to do all night long. My wife ran off with my best friend and I miss him. The only thing I can count on now is my fingers. Send a dozen roses up to her and pour four for me. I'm going someplace I hope I find. I'm too low to get high. He's walking in my tracks, but he can't fill my shoes. For better or for worse, but not for long. I gave a ring and she gave me the finger. She took everything but the blame. Just because you got to first base don't mean you're home free. Walk out backwards so I'll think you're coming in. The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had Do You Love As Good As You Look? Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Wanna Whip Your Cow I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose My Every Day Silver Is Plastic My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised |
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