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"Every time [President Bush] talks about trust it makes chills run up and down my spine. The very idea that the word 'trust' could ever come out of his mouth after the way he has trampled on the truth is a travesty of the American political system." -Bill Clinton, 1992 "If a President of the United States ever lied to the American people he should resign."... -- Bill Clinton in 1974, at the height of Watergate... "Yes", the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign". WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON 1974 on President Nixon Ironic, isn't it??? Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd. What does Bill Clinton claim that Paula Jones misunderstood when he asked her? 'I told her I wanted her on my staff.' When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? When she didn't swallow everything he presented. What did Clinton say when he heard Paula Jones was speaking to the press? "NOW she opens her mouth" Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. The Clintons closed a deal on an 11-room Dutch colonial house for a whopping $1.7 million. This is quite a price hike for Mr. Clinton whose experience with private housing in recent years has been limited to the Motel 6. What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference! Prime Minister Jean Chretien in Canada knew Clinton likes golf so he suggested a foursome. Bill misunderstood. A new international study of men's repetitive condom failure found that opening the package with a sharp instrument was the most common problem. For instance, be careful with that letter-opener with the Presidential Seal lying on the Oval Office desk. What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns! What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart. The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories. --Sam Donaldson If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote. --Newt Gingrich What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same thing. --Kenneth Starr The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury. --Monica Lewinsky Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster? --Marv Albert The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern. --OJ Simpson If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done. --Vernon Jordan Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked. --George Stephanopoulos What did Arafat say to Clinton? Sheep don't talk my friend... What's Bill Clinton's favorite movie? Sex, Lies and Video Tape What did Bill Clinton say when asked about Rawanda? "I never touched her" Why does Clinton like to wear boxer shorts? To keep his ankles warm! What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Richard Jewel? One's a big southern doofus and the other's a wealthy, respected former security guard. What do John Elway and Bill Clinton have in common? They're both masters of the two-minute drill. How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf? He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A girl that can run faster than the Governor. What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? A dead girlfriend. Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. Why is Bill so excited about bombing Iraq? Because it involves attacking a broad. Why does Bill Clinton have a hole in his penis? So, he can think with an open mind! What do Bill Clinton and Walmart have in common? They both have lingerie half off! What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? Only 2000 people went down on the Titanic. What's Clinton's political credo? "If they're not old enough to vote, Fuck 'em!" How come Clinton doesn't catch colds? He avoids the drafts. Where are the two biggest airbags located? The White House. Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? He wants to be on top. Why is President Clinton usually in a bad mood? P.M.S. What do the Marines have in common with US taxpayers? Clinton wants them both shafted. What do they do to fast women in Arkansas? Put a governor on 'em. What song did the Grateful Dead play for Clinton? "Inhale to the Chief." What is Bill Clintons favorite game? Swallow the Leader How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they are too busy screwing the President. What new car did Chrysler introduce to commemerate President Clinton's election? The Dodge Drafter! How does Bill Clinton differ from most Americans? Most people worry about getting Aids from sex. Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides. How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the bulb, One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else, and one to obscure the issues. How can you tell if Bill Clinton is lying? His lips are moving. What do Elmer Fudd, Gomer Pyle and Bill Clinton have in common? They make Dan Quayle look like a war hero. How can you tell Clinton apart from a cow? By the wise look in the cows eyes. What's was Clinton's favorite part of the inaugural festivities? When Diane Sawyer and Katie Cowric paid lip service to his balls. What two new faces are they putting on Mt. Rushmore? Bill Clinton's. Did you hear, Bill Clinton was a test tube baby? Apparently he wasn't worth a fuck then, either. What was Bill Clinton's favorite Olympic event? The broad jump. How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle? He has his jogging suit on What's the difference between Clinton and Liberace? Clinton's aides haven't killed him yet What is Bill Clinton's favorite song? "Over Here, Over Here, Over Here." Did you know McDonald's is making a Bill Clinton burger? It features extra fat with a little tomato on the side. What do Nixon and Clinton have in common? The same political future. What else do they have in common? Neither inhale. What did Clinton say aftr reading the investigation report on the Tailhook scandal? Clinton remarked, "Maybe draft dodging was not such a good idea!" What is President Clinton's new compromise over gays in the military? It's okay to hold a dick in your mouth, as long as you don't actually suck it. Why are the Dallas Cowboys like Hillary Clinton? Both have Bills to push around. Why did Clinton get a lot of the gay vote? Gay's generally prefer an ass-hole over a Bush. Why was Clinton late for the inaugural? He heard Iraq was being bombed...they found him in Canada. What did Bill say when asked when do you think we'll have the first woman in the White House?", "As soon as Hillary takes her first trip out of town." What did Clinton say when asked about the Abortion Bill? "Pay it!" What did Clinton declare as the new national bird? The spread eagle Why did Clinton deny that he had spent the night with a woman? He didn't want to offend the gay voters. Why is there no Halloween or Thanksgiving in Arkansas this year? Because the witch took the turkey to Washington. What's the difference between Rodney King and Bill Clinton? One took 56 hits, the other doesn't know how to take even one. So you think that Bill Clinton is an asshole? Does a Postal worker belong to the NRA? Texas Republicans hired an Elvis impersonator to follow Clinton on his tour through the state. "Elvis" gave out bologna sandwiches and sang. Clinton gave shorter speeches so he could get seconds on bologna. New slogan for Clinton: Smell my lips...no more Bush. |
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President Clinton is trying to decide where he wants to put his
presidential library, but there could be a major problem. How do
you have a presidential library when you've shredded all your
documents?
Our Government: "President Clinton spoke. And then a guy came
on and gave the Democratic response."
Capitol Beat: The president delivered his State of the Union address
Tuesday. "President Clinton told Congress he needs its help in the war
on corruption. The anti-corruption side is gaining on them."
The latest Clinton bimbo was supposed to have stayed at the
Watergate Hotel. Another President brought down by deep throat.
What did Bill Clinton claim he told Monica Lewinsky?
I didn't tell her to lie in the deposition. I told her
to lie in the position.
Possible Bill Clinton slogans to replace 'It's the Economy Stupid'
1) It ain't immoral if it's only oral
2) Eatin' ain't cheatin'
After five years of investigations, special prosecutor Ken Starr
finally has found a smoking gun, and apparently it's in Clinton's pants.
Clinton: "Sure I had an affair, but I didn't ejaculate."
A Gore friend told him to urge Clinton to pick Sigourney Weaver
for Attorney General: "She knows how to handle aliens."
JFK: "Ich bin ein Berliner"
Nixon: "I am not a crook"
Reagan: "Tear down that wall, Mr. Gorbachev"
Bush: "Read my lips"
Clinton: "Suck my dick?"
Well, he's gone from Slick Willie to "Free my Willie"
Reagan was the Great Communicator.
Clinton is the Great Fornicator.
Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the country.
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for wearing a condom.
Bill Clinton is having the white house sauna air-conditioned,
so he can have it both ways.
Clinton's Campaign slogan: "We don't have a clue, but we
don't have a Quayle"
Define: Silence.
Clinton and Quayle exchanging Vietnam war stories.
I thought Richard Nixon was the only president that was
thought of as "Tricky Dick"
Did you here that someone threw a beer at prez. Clinton
while he was out on his morning jog?
He wasn't hurt...It was a draft and he was able to dodge it.
Bill Clinton just outlawed another 32 assault weapons with
his latest crime bill. Mike Tyson's teeth.
One thing's sure about Clinton...He sure doesn't neglect
domestic affairs.
News from Washington ... A spokesperson for the Attorney General has
reported that Ms. Reno has cleared President Clinton of all allegations
of sexual impropriety involving young White House aids. Ms. Reno is
reported to have said that after examining the President she could
find no hard evidence.
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary
request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return
the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"
Volume on oil stocks are up huge. Clinton has been
drilling in the White House.
Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex. Al asked Bill, "I never
slept with my wife before we were married, did you?"
Bill replied, "I'm not sure, what was Tipper's maiden name?"
Bill Clinton called Johnny Cochran to reassemble the "dream team"
but this time it's called the "wet dream team".
If President Clinton practiced safe, monogamous sex, he
wouldn't be worried about aides.
It occurred to me that for a young woman, taking a job in the White
House, these days, could be thought of as joining the "Piece Corps."
Due to Clinton's escapades, God has added an 11th commandment:
Thou shalt not stick thy rod in thy staff.
A new poll interviewed 1000 women and asked if they would sleep
with Presient Clinton. 97 percent said: "Never Again"
What's Clinton's favorite instrument? (No, besides that!)
The strumpet!
The sex-a-phone!
The whore-monica!
What did Al Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke?
Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House?
Why did Clinton get Buddy the dog?
So Hilary would not be surprised when she passed the Oval Office
and heard, "Lie Down, Roll Over, Beg, Now Fetch the Bone."
How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
You've got french fries in your hair and Vernon Jordan is
handing you a job application.
On the good side Bill Clinton has changed my opinion of the folks
from Arkansas. All these women coming forward and saying they had
sex with him and not one of them is related to him.
George Bush, Bill Clinton, & Ross Rerot are in a boat in the
middle of the ocean. The boat is sinking. Who gets saved?
The American People!
Truman and Clinton
"If Truman ever picked up a shot of whiskey, he swallowed!"
The U.S. Treasury is issuing three new bonds:
Impeachment Series - No Interest
Monica Series - No Maturity
Clinton Series - No Principle
What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
Don't hit your head on the desk.
What does the band now play when Clinton enters the room?
Kneel to the Chief.
Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on
President's day?
All pants half off.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House,
the other is a chocolate lab.
What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
This time we know who deep throat is.
What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
A big weenie in hot water.
What are the ingredients for the new, improved Clinton stew?
One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans,
and hot water.
Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
Because he likes to bend the pages.
What will history remember Bill Clinton as?
The President after Bush.
How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex?
You have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse.
What do Bill Clinton and Disney have in common?
Disney has a movie called the Lion King, while Bill Clinton is
the Lyin' King.
It has been reported that President Clinton inserted a cigar into
Monica Lewinsky's vagina. It is assumed that President Clinton indeed
smoked said cigar. The question is: Did he inhale?
Why is Bill Clinton happy he named his dog "Buddy?"
Because it's a BAD TIME to be yelling "come Spot!" in the Whitehouse.
I overheard a colleague this morning characterize a third party by
saying, "I'm not going to call her a liar; I'll just say that she
Clintonizes reality."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be
president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The big problem with Clinton's new military is that the only way to
get promoted is to suck up.
The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too
little of either.
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest
leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe
Sears is making a tool in honor of Bill Clinton...
the Clinton driver...screws everything guaranteed.
Clinton's Alibi: "Well my first marriage was only in beta..."
TONY Blair asks Clinton what he thinks about the Northern Ireland
position. Clinton says "Gee, I haven't tried that one"
Why does Clinton have a clean conscience?
Because it's never been used.
What is Clinton's dream date?
Buddhist nuns. They have taken a vow of silence.
What is the difference between President Rooswvelt and President Clinton?
One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising
chicken who smoked pot.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor
Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane
as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Clinton's Lawyers:
"Most politicians don't believe a word of what they say.
We're amazed that y'all do."
How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
To promote off-shore drilling
What's the difference between Jerry Springer and Kenneth Starr?
One's a guy who gets his kicks exposing the sexual transgressions
of hillbillies, and the other one is a talk show host.
To which preacher did Bill go for advice? Oral Roberts
What does Clinton like more that roses on his piano?
Tulips on his organ.
How do you get on Bill's good side?
Suck up!
Does this mean that the Cubans have penetrated the White House??
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated!
In Kennedy's time, we had Camelot, in Clinton's we have CAME-a-lot.
Arkansas is very proud of Clinton--all these women coming forward
and none of them are his relatives!
What do a clitoris and the emergency defense button have in common?
Bill Clintons finger.
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What is Clinton's favorite toy? An Erector Set. What is Clinton's worst nightmare? An intern with braces. What's Slick Willie's new nickname? President-erect. What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? Unibanger. Clinton hired Johnny Cochran for his defense. The new line is..."If she spit, you must aquit!" Fascinating how Bill Clinton and JFK both ended their presidencies by staining a woman's dress. Yes, we did hear that the President believes in reincarnation, and wants to come back some day as a water fountain. How is Bill Clinton like John McEnroe? They both say it was out, but the judges say it was in. What are President Clinton's favorite movies? 1) Interns of Endearment 2) Shaft 3) Patriot Stains 4) The X-Rated Files 5) Bad Bill Hunting Of course, the President's all-time favorite movie is Die Hard. Did you see the most recent polling data put Clinton and Dole in a dead heat? Dole's dead and Clinton's in heat. What is Clinton's favorite card game? Poker What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries? The Dick-taphone What is the unwritten Executive Privilege? Having first pick of the new White House Interns. Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer? He likes to take a lot of stokes. Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool? He is trolling for interns. Whats Clinton's Economic forecast? A "Bare" Market What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns? Tounge Twisters... What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich? Tounge Sandwich What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch? It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at revlon? He knew she would be good at making things up. Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service? He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues. What is Clinton's Favorite outfit? The Sear Sucker Suit What do Isakoff and Ice Cream have in common? Both get scooped regularly. What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House? Don't Tripp! What do OJ and Clinton have in common? Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind. What do Clinton and Starr have in common? They are both inclined to extend their probes. What did monica say when the FBI ask for the "Dress?" Come and get it. Reagan was the Great Communicator. Clinton is the Great Fornicator. Dr Clinton's prescription for interns: Swallow two mouth fulls and call me in the morning. I told her to fix my election She thought I said like my erection. The new white house directive to female interns: Don't ask, Don't Tell After his impeachment Clinton could consider a career in dentistry, he is so good at saying open wide. After his impeachment Clinton could consider a career as an elevator operator, He is so good at saying going down. "We know everything there is to know about each other (I already have heard the tapes) and we understand and accept and love each other, (I am not giving up the Presidency)", Hillary said in NBC Today Interview. What do Clinton and Clint have in common? They both draw quickly and shoot from the hip! A philandering pres named Bill, Was married to a lawyer named "Hill", He played on the side, And repeatedly lied, 'Cuz his female intern said "I will" Old Chinese proverb say: Man who fuck intern...get fucked, in turn. Did you know that Bill Clinton is a big fan of rock music? Yeah, he especially likes Bare Naked Ladies. Well, he's gone from Slick Willie to "Free my Willie" They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel. What does Bill Clinton have in common with his dick? Both were once pointed sharply towards the left but are now, inexplicably, aimed directly at the center. How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth." What's the latest method Clinton's using to control his weight? Lie-pole-suction How is Bill Clinton like a computer? He has good hard drive and ram but a problem with memory. What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips? Lays. Bill's favorite song is: "Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy"! Did you hear that the president's plane got stuck in mud? The stewardess fell right off his lap! What is green, has four legs and smells like pussy? The White House pool table. Have you heard the slogan for the newest cigar called the Presidential'? "Tastes great...less filling" As part of the vast "right wing conspiracy", Lorena Bobbit will be entering the White House disguised as an intern That should stop Bill's sexual harassment of women, eh? If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly. Nixon was the crooked President who followed Johnson. Clinton is the sitting President with a crooked Johnson. What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common? They both heard a giant sucking sound! If Clinton is impeached, what will his military rank be? He'll go from Commander in Chief to Semen First Class? What will the headline read if Clinton is impeached? Bush finally defeats Clinton. Bill Clinton is only taking interns from 4 colleges now. Moorehead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young. Clinton is walking down a hall in the White House, encounters a new intern, and asks, "Are you new here?" "Yes," she answers. "I thought so," he says. "I haven't come across your face before." OJ Simpson's advice to Congress regarding impeachment? If the Dress is a Mess, He Must Confess. What's Bill Clinton's C.B. Handle? Haywood Jablowme. Why doesn't Bill pay retail price? He prefers to dicker. Why is Bill Clinton's favorite White House room the Blue Room? You can't corner anyone in the oval office. What's the difference between the Clinton White House and a brothel? You have to pay for sex in a brothel. Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton OS? It goes down all the time, won't clarify the error, but blames misinstalled Starr Software instead, and won't admit to the damage caused to the system. What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door." What has four legs and smells like pussy? Bill Clintons desk. President Clinton has admited to drinking the night of his recent knee injury. When questioned about this he replied, 'I was drinking but I didn't swallow.' The Spelling Bee... Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word. What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? They know how many women went down on the titanic. What is Bill Clinton's favourite slogan? - Give me liberty or give me head! Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor? Because he is so good at say, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke. Clinton today apparently persuaded the Kosova Liberation Army to give up its guns. Luckily, he wasn't suggesting that to the NRA, they would have shot him. |
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The Clinton Mortgage Hello Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZ Bree Zee Mortgages. May I call you Bill and Hillary? Fine, then its First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill. So, you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, 4-something acres, as I recall. That's $2.2 million, and, with the customary 20 percent down - that's $440,000 - that leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. We do these kinds of deals all the time. Now, let's just have a look at your financial statements. Let's see. Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and your salary is - oh, dear - only $200,000 a year. We usually recommend buying a house that costs no more than two-and-a-half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood? And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library? In Little Rock, Arkansas? Wow! I bet that will be some kind of money-maker. Now, Mrs. Clinton, you're running for the Senate, right? Let's see. Senators are paid $130,000 a year - assuming, of course, you're elected. So even with Bill's pensions, you should still be looking for a house in the $325,000 range. Maybe a nice center-hall colonial where the schools aren't so good. Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the home since 1991, am I correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. And that flopped? But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt? And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt? And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, also? If you had gone to Yale Business School instead of Yale Law, you could probably get your money back. Now now, don't get upset. It was just a little joke. A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail? Maybe you could get your money back. This is an embarrassing question, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine. Now let's take look at your assets: $1.5 million in savings and investments. Not bad! Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But oh, those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million? That means you're $4 million in the hole. How do you expect to pay that off? You are hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically, you're relying on the chartity of strangers? You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? That's gotta be an Ouch! And Mr. Clinton. There's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out eventually putting your law degree to work? Say, now, how do we know you're not lying on your loan application? Good point. It definately would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should know about? You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the First Lady is 'pretty much in the clear indictment-wise'. What does that mean? You don't think - don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's the remote possibility - note that I say 'remote' - that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock dedicated to his failed presidency? OK now, let's review your personal financial situation. * One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone else is going to come along and pay. * You have a financial history that can only with great charity be described as 'checkered', plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. * Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford Mustang. Mr. and Mrs. Clinton, I think you both knew before coming in to our offices that your chances of getting any sort of mortgage from us or anyone else are pretty slim. I suggest you look for a house in a price range of somewhere around $75,000 to $85,000 and come back in to discuss your chances of a mortgage with me at that point. As for timing, I suggest you wait until we know whether or not Mrs. Clinton will be employed as a Senator there in Washington, D.C. Yes, I know a house in that price range would be something of a come-down for you both, but just in case you don't know it, there is such a thing known as "reality" out here in the real world, where most folks make an attempt to pay their own bills and mortgages without the help of family or outsiders. Frankly, I think you both are a couple of failing baby boomer moochers who have lived off the generosity of the public purse for far too long. You both need to get a life! And from this financial statement, I think you both are going to need to get a job! A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning." In a recent poll Bill Clinton was voted the second most evil man of the century after Hitler. (Hillary came 6th) Beating out Josef Stalin, Pol Pot, Charles Manson etc... I'm actually feeling sorry for Bill Clinton now...Just because you're a shameless, tax-evading, draft-dodging, dope-smoking, pants-dropping, wife-cheating liar who runs the 42nd Most Ethical Administration in United States History, it doesn't mean that you're worse than mass murderers. Names for the Clinton's New House in Westchester 10) Whitewater Estates 9) Motel Sex 8) Mt. Vermin 7) Porky's 6) The WhiteTrash House 5) The Chinese Embassy 4) House of the Lying Scum 3) Mustang Ranch II 2) Scamalot 1) Disgraceland Honourable Mentions... Marilyn Mansion Rancho Perverto Blow-hard Farms Chateau Clampett Robbers' Roost The Hillaryville Horror The Paulasades Mansion Del-Monica The Launderosa Ittakes a Villa 1600 Transylvania Avenue Casa Tastrophy The Best Little Whorehouse in Westchester Spin Haven Fourteen-year old Katie Punchme announced that today that she has, like, a major crush on President Bill Clinton. Katie, who has lived with her alcoholic father since her mother ran off with a shoe salesman in 1994, professed her love for the leader of the free world to her best friend, Sandra D'Poet, during recess last Tuesday. "She was, like, saying how cute he is, and stuff," said Sandra, 13. "I mean, yuck!" Katie should be developing healthy pubescent crushes on pop singers or movie stars around now, but instead has gone for the most unlikely of heros, trouser-dropping, intern-groping, wife-cheating, senate-lying Clinton, 42. "He's got this charm thing, ya know," Katie is believed to have said. "He knows how to wear a suit, and ...um.... walk around a bit. He's so dreamy." A leading psycologist (leading in the sense that he's out of work, and consequently is forced to whore his trade in a men's magazine) said "This is quite disconcerting. I mean, sure, he's the most powerful man on the face of the planet; he's got a cheeky little smile; his hair is slightly graying, but has still got a lot of body and shine; he is always well-dressed and cheerful; he got to sleep with half of Arkansas. But still. Bill Clinton, I mean, yuck!" To celebrate her new-found crush capability, Katie has already torn several pictures of Clinton appearing in the Senate impeachment trial out of "People" magazine, and put them on her bedroom wall. She has also written "Katie Clinton" all over her history book, and practises smiling whenever she meets new people. "It's, like, totally pukesville, guys," said Sandra. "Me, I like Kenneth Starr. The witch-hunting animal!" However, there is a sad note to this sad tale. As a direct offshoot of Katie's devotion, she has stopped playing with her next-door neighbour Monica Lewinsky, 11. "She called me a lying bitch, and stopped calling around," said Monica. She is no relation Monday, February 14, 2000 Valentine's Day Dilemma If you have a problem finding a special Valentine's Day card for your sweetie, pity the poor president--so many women, and so little time to shop. But if he wishes to write his own, here are some suggestions: Monica Lewinsky With all that's passed between us, I'll never call you a slut; Not since you've gone to Jenny Craig, And lost your tremendous butt! Paula Jones Although I've never met you, And did not drop my pants; How about next time you're in town, I get another chance? Gennifer Flowers Sorry I had to lie about, Our 12-year-old affair; But when 60 Minutes asked me, My wife was sitting there. Kathleen Willey The day that you last came to me, Seeking security and hope; I took you in my office, And there you ass did grope. Susan McDougal On Valentine's Day most people think, Of candy, flowers, and Cupid; But when you to sat in your jail cell, You really must have been so stupid! Cokie Roberts Whenever newswomen who look like you Report on an election; I watch returns in my lonely room, With a humungous erection! Betty Currie Secretaries may come and go, In any institution; But I hope and pray you don't become, A witness for any upcoming prosecution! Madeline Albright You may be old and wrinkled, But to me you're still the rage; You helped me start a war or two, And get Monica off the front page. Hillary Rottweiler Clinton Thank you for defending me, All the days of my life, But when my administration is over, Will you still be my loving wife? WASHINGTON, DC (API) -- First Cat Socks Clinton was found unconscious in a Washington cat house Monday, strung out on cat nip and in the company of Siamese Twins. Surgeon General Ben Casey stated, "It will be a day or two before we can get the full story since the cat is so high its eyes just keep bouncing first left and then right, like one of those creepy 1950's clocks." Investigators from the office of Independent Counsel Ken Starr are checking into whether Socks might have passed on sensitive information to the Siamese, or whether the Siamese may have contributed to the Democratic Party in return for favors or fish treats. At this point, what is known is that Socks has been depressed lately, ostensibly because his master had taken a liking to dogs. In the July issue of Cat Quarterly, the celebrity feline communicated his frustrations with lack of petting and combing time, resulting in a trip to the hospital for a gargantuan hairball being hacked up during a Summit Peace Conference. In June, the long-time White House gardener, Don Hoe, abruptly quit the staff, blaming Socks for using the Rose Garden as his favorite dumping ground while the litter tray remained unused for weeks. A red flag went up when White House security apprehended a widely known cat nip dealer, who goes by the street name of "Mouser", attempting to scale the south-west wall with over two ounces of high grade nip in a Hello Kitty backpack. First Lady Hilary Clinton stated, "A large plate of Gulf Shrimp will be waiting for Socks when he is released. I know what that poor cat is going through. I have been there and can feel his pain." By Bill Stebins Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton were vacationing at Camp David. Their housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage. The housekeeper knew the first family would be devastated at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously been owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House. The morning after the Clinton's return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young." A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old." Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!" The candidates go visit the Wizard of Oz... Bush says, "I could really use some courage." Quayle says, "I could use a brain." Gore says, "I would like a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy???" At the latest G-8 meetings U.S. President Clinton has been walking and going to meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies' panties on his arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and, of course, wondered what he was doing. At an afternoon press conference a reporter was brave enough to ask him why he had a pair of ladies' panties on his arm? The President replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit." Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day. But because of a mix-up in the forces concerned, the Pope is sent to hell and Bill Clinton to heaven. The Pope quickly convinces those in charge of the mistake and is quickly transported to heaven. As he enters the gates, he passes Bill Clinton who is coming out. The Pope says to him, "I'm sorry my son but I've waited my whole life to kneel at the feet of the Blessed Virgin Mary." Bill Clinton with a wide grin says, "Too late, padre." Top Euphemisms for Presidential Stains Poll Results Foreign Body Relations Sub-Committee Stain of the Union on Dress Executive Dribblage One Less Stanford Tuition That About Which Hillary Was Not Consulted Friendly Fire The Intern's Nametag Heir Force One Results of Post-Erection Euphoria Troop Pullout Lateral Casualties Billy Jack Leak from the White House Staff Citizen Stain |
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A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little
late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some
even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter" he asked?
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their under ground test
site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is
warning them both that this could lead to regional war, that may go
nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"
Top Names Bill Clinton has for his penis...
The White House Staff
His Tiny Advisor
The Nuclear Button
The Executive Branch
The Little Pollster
His Soft Contribution
His Pocket Veto
The Secret Servicer
The Presidential Caucus
Little Rock
Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC.
One day they are walking together past the White House when they
hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help."
Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House
fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill
Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool.
In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him
artificial respiration, clearly saving his life.
After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you
saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you
desire, as long as it is within my power as President!"
The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always
wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?"
"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"
Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis.
Can you get me in?"
"You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it
this afternoon, too.
After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know,
can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"
Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said,
"Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such
things?"
"Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and
tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"
A Tribute to Bill Clinton:
--------------------------
Bill Clinton is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He leadeth me by still factories and abandoned farms.
He restoreth my doubt in the Democratic Party.
He anointeth my wages with taxes and inflation,
so my expenses runneth over my income.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow the
Democratic Party, and I shall work on a rented
farm and live in a rented house forever.
Five thousand years ago, Moses said, "Pack up
your camel, pick up your shovel, move your ass
and I will take you to the Promised Land."
Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Lay down your
shovel, sit on your ass, light up a Camel; this is
the promised land."
This year Bill Clinton will take your shovel, sell
your camel, kick your ass, and tell you he gave
away the promised land.
I'm Glad I am an American,
I'm also glad I'm a free,
I only wish I were a dog,
And Clinton was a tree.
President Clinton went to an elementary school to address a group of
children about tragedies. Before he started, he asked the children to
give him an example of a tragedy. Several students raised their hands
and he selected a little girl.
The girl said, "If a boy chased a ball into the street and was killed
by a car, that would be a tragedy."
Mr. Clinton replied, "No, that would be an accident."
A second student said, "If a bus full of children drove over a cliff
and all were killed, that would be a tragedy."
The President thought for a moment and said, "No, I believe that would
be a great loss."
Clinton asked the class again for an example and no one raised a hand.
He said, "Surely someone can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a little boy spoke up and said, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were
on Air Force One and a bomb exploded and you both were killed, that
would be a tragedy."
The President was very glad and said, "Yes, that would be a tragedy.
Can you explain why?"
The boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't
be a great loss!"
You may have read in the news today that President Clinton has banned
use of federal funds in research of cloning humans. He has a partisan
political motive in doing this: since it is always easier to clone the
lower forms of life, it could allow the Republicans to become a majority
by the next election!
One day Bill Clinton and the Pope were having a special meeting. For
security reasons, they sat in a rowboat in the middle of a lake, with
secret service agents and fans standing all along the shore. While the
Pope and Bill were talking, a gush of wind came along and blew the
Pope's little hat off.
"No problem," said Bill, "I'll take care of it." And with that he
climbed out of the boat, walked across the water, retrieved the Pope's
hat, and returned it to him!
The Pope was most startled by this event, but from the shoreline, a
voice piped up: "See? He can't even SWIM!"
The Reverand Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Bill Clinton
on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant
came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped
by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
One bright and brisk morning, the president and a couple of Secret
Service Agents are out on their morning jog. After 4 miles, Bill turns
to one of the agents and says, "When I get home, I'm going to rip
Hillary's panties off!!"
The agent responds, "Feeling a little frisky today sir?"
Bill replies, "No, it's just that these things keep riding up on me!"
A guy goes into the saloon in a little town in Montana. He has a few
beers and then he says "Clinton is a horse's ass" - and the guy standing
next to him bashes him upside the head.
After he recovers from that and has a few more, he says "Clinton and
his boss Hillary are both horses' asses!".
Several people give him dirty looks and the two nearest guys beat the
shit out of him. A few minutes later he recovers, looks around the room
and yells, "I still say Clinton is a horse's ass!!".
Everybody in the place jumps him, and he is beaten to a pulp.
Hours later, he wakes up and everyone is gone except for the
bartender.
"Wow", he says, "I didn't know there were that many people left who
were stupid enough to be democrats".
The bartender says, "Well, there wasn't a democrat in the house -
they're all horse ranchers."
New Clinton Bumper Stickers
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Slept with Your Honor Student
Jail to the Chief
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President
It's the end of the school year, the teacher has written her reports,
and there's really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
it's Friday afternoon and not much is happening. The teacher says,
"Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early
today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
clever- that answer's mine . . ."
The teacher asked, "Who said `Four Score and Seven Years Ago...'?
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".
Johnny was mad.
The teacher asked, "Who said,`I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".
Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said `Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".
Johnny was fuming. Suddenly, Johnny shouted from the back of the
class, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "Who said that?"
Johnny answered, "BILL CLINTON - SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!"
The Women's World Cup Final will be held this week. FIFA (or somebody)
has been advertising inviting President Clinton to attend. Once the
results of the semi-finals were in this weekend, it turns out the USA's
team will play the Chinese team.
My wife observed that this would increase Clinton's chances of
attending, but she wondered which team he'd be cheering for?
Perhaps not as famous as the President Lincoln/Kennedy
similarities are the Nixon/Clinton parallels...
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: same
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
Yeltsin calling Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom
factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's
favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within
their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yelstin. "Could you possibly send
1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?"
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in
diameter?"
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up
and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and
4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "write 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM'
on each one."
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill
told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners
what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car
with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes
all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and
his 19-year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the
driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the pig."
A New Broadway Revue:
"Guys and Dolls on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue"
Bill Clinton:
There is Nothing Like a Dame
I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face
Hillary Clinton:
Why Can't You Behave?
Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man of Mine
Monica Lewinsky:
My Alice Blue Gown
They Call Me a Cockeyed Optimist
Republicans:
It's a Scandal! It's an Outrage!
Ya Got Trouble (Right Here in River City)
Democrats:
It's All Right With Me
Anything Goes
So what's happened is that the woman who said that she had been
lying, when she had earlier said that Kathleen Willey wasn't lying
when she said that President Clinton was lying when he accused her
of lying about his attempt to grope her in the White House, has
been accused by Ken Starr of lying about whether she was lying
or not. Is Starr lying?
Hope that clears it up.
Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship
that hit an Iceberg.
Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats"
Carter said, "Woman and children first"
Nixon said, "Screw the woman and children"
Clinton said, "Do you think we have time"
Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
seal from a donkey to a condom? That's because it represents inflation,
halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are
being screwed.
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90+y/o man (he got his
hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), we were discussing
Clinton's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know
old Clinton's a post turtle".
So, of course, I asked him what a "post turtle" was.
And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong
there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just
want to help the poor thing down."
|
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Clinton, on a stop in Arkansas this week, told a crowd, "There are
over a hundred jails in this state, and I'm proud to say that no member
of my family has ever been in one of them."
A voice from the back said, "And which one is that?"
President Clinton, stymied with his peace efforts in the Middle East
told his cabinet, "I'll tell you this -- they'd be no trouble at all
in the Middle East if the Arabs and the Jews started acting like the
good Christians they're supposed to be."
From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the
top proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States vs.
William J. Clinton:
10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral
Polls showing Bill Clinton's continuing popularity, despite intense
media coverage of his sexuality, are only a flashback to the past
century. When he was nearly 80, Lord Palmerston, who had been a British
prime minister and Benjmain Disraeli's political opponent, was reputed
to be involved with a young married woman. Disraeli's followers sought
to use the affair to discredit Palmerston, but Disraeli was appalled by
the idea. "If this ever gets out, Palmerston will sweep the country."
News from Washington...
A spokesperson for the Attorney General has reported that Ms. Reno
has cleared President Clinton of all allegations of sexual impropriety
involving young White House aids. Ms. Reno is reported to have said
that after examining the President she could find no hard evidence.
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS...
THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN.
"Members of Congress, people of America, I banged her. I banged her
like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno,
Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like
and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary, I do. If not for the
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an
aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called
"Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's
he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime
interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just
kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of 'plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to
San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an
inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American
society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty
himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that
curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a
dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to
my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House,
government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the
first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press
didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a
blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is
higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a
degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money
to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his
or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
peckershowing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter
unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like
to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and
what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where
I'm parking the Presidential limousine."
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping
Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced
Don Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed
a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his
palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
"I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and
a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell
is Bill Clinton"
Clinton has simply been misunderstood. He is hung up, not on these
women, but on one silly movie: Free Willy. He asked each of them if
they "liked Free Willy" and they misinterpreted it as "would you like
to free willy?". I believe that sets the record straight!
Top things Clinton would say if he were in STAR WARS
"Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke."
"Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people
all at once?"
"I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military...
Okay, now I don't."
"Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*...Well, that's different."
"Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too.And that Queen
chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, Boba Fett's,
Jabba the Hutt's, Chewie's..."
"Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!"
"I think the American people would like a little more bass in my
theme music."
"Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster --
and make it look like a suicide."
"I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky."
"It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still
a lyin' weasel."
"Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -
- not excuses."
"Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental
work."
"These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's
getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top."
"She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas,
that ain't an obstacle!"
Summary of the week's news reporting of the Zippergate scandal:
In the aftermath of the initial administration responses to the
breaking story, it seems apparent that Mr. Clinton has left a bad
taste in Lewinsky's mouth.
A growing majority are finding the president's story hard to
swallow, noting that it appears quite evident that Monica was
influenced by some sort of presidential "gag order."
The First Lady, the recognized steward of the president's power
base, is reported to be afraid that Lewinsky has blown everything.
Vernon Jordan is reported to have suggested that Ms Lewinsky
approach the president with a stiff upper lip for the time being,
and is quite upset at how much damage her wagging tongue seems to
have done.
Meanwhile, the White House staff is engaged in a furious search
for Richard Nixon's tape erasing machine, last seen on loan to the
offices of the Rose law firm in Little Rock.
In an effort of goodwill, however, the administration has extended
an invitation to Ms Lewinsky for an exclusive guided tour of the
capital city's nationalparks one night next week.
Ms. Lewinsky's attorney has chided the mainstream media for taking
out of context a comment by her close friends that she once said she
wanted to head the Oval Office someday. Defending his client as a
victim, he said that "...this oral sex thing really has her choked
up, you know."
Mr. Starr, the independent prosecutor investigating the case,
remains unmoved, and has made it clear that to avoid criminal
liability herself, Ms. Lewinsky will be required to give a complete
blow-by-blow description of her relationship with Mr Clinton.
Chelsea Clinton, when asked for her opinion of the woman who stands
to dethrone her father, simply replied, "she sucks!"
In a related story, a truck bomb scare in the front driveway of the
White House resulted in the evacuation of the building until Secret
Service agents ascertained that the Ryder van parked in the drive was
just Tipper Gore waiting out front with her furniture.
TOP CLINTON's EXCUSES
Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top!
I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV
She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16
Hey, at least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Gennifer Flowers
I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my
second term in office
I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname
I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it.
This is the 90s, I sent her an E-MAIL!
See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!
My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William
KENNEDY Clinton.
I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans -
- Oops, I mean it was in my genes.
"I didn't insert..."
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Mr. President,
I am a 13 year old boy and I totally support you. My mom and dad
are always picking on me for lying. Since you have taught me it's
okay to lie as long as you say you're sorry, I have become quite
good at it, and can get away with it more than I ever thought I could.
When I get caught, just say I'm sorry. But my teacher bugs me and brings
up George Washington. I'm so glad he's not our leader. He's not cool
like you. Also, my girlfriend says she wants to be a virgin when she
gets married. I told her that doing what Monica did isn't sex and is OK
- even the President says so. Now I'm getting oral sex from her all the
time.
Your theory even makes sense to her little sister. I told her like you
said. That this is private nobody's business, and told of what happened
to you when Monica told. I wish all those evil mean people would stop
criticizing you so much. They don't understand all you've done for us
children. You have made our lives a real joy. Like the other day when me
and my buds were smoking pot and got caught, all we had to say is we
didn't inhale, and our principal, who lucky for us, voted for you, let
us go. I thought you would like to know that you sure taught us how to
have fun, Mr. President!
After hearing about what you and Monica did, me and my 3 older friends
talked six girls into your idea that they were not having sex by doing
what Monica did to you. Then we each took a turn on the phone talking to
their father. Man, you would have been proud of us. Please never resign
Mr. President. We have never had such a cool role model in our lives
before. Tell Chelsea she is lucky to have an understanding dad and mom.
Top Nicknames for the Presidential Scandal
Lolitagate
Quick! Time For Another War With Iraq!
The Crook, The Intern, The Wife, and that 'Hey Vern' guy
The D Cup Domes Scandal
Starr Wars
Ex-intern killed in freak missile accident-gate
The Lay of Pigs
Stain of the Union Undress
Monicaca
"Paid for by Gore/Rodham 2000"-gate
Pubic Missile Crisis
Linguapalooza
Honey, I shrunk my approval rating
Gaining-On-Wilt-gate
Tail to the Chief
Bad Will Hunting
JERRY:
Welcome to the Jerry Springer Show. Today's show is full of shocking
surprises and stunning revelations. The topic: "I had a relationship
that was not appropriate."
AUDIENCE:
Ohhhhhhh..........
JERRY:
Our first guest is Bill. Welcome to the show, Bill.
BILL:
Thank you, Jerry. It's nice to have the opportunity to participate
in this town meeting. I always enjoy engaging the American people in
dialogue.
JERRY:
Bill, did you have a sexual relationship with a young woman named Monica?
BILL:
(silent)
JERRY:
Let me repeat: Bill, did you have a sexual relationship with this woman?
BILL:
I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Not a single time -
- never. Now I need to get back to the business of the American people,
like finding the Real Killer.
JERRY:
Bill, guess what: we have a guest who says you _did_ engage in sexual
relations with Monica. Let's welcome Ken to the show.
(KEN walks out on stage.)_
BILL:
(beating chest) Real men don't serve subpoenas!!!
KEN:
(lunging at BILL with outstretched fists) Feel this pain!
AUDIENCE:
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY:
Guys, no fighting -- the mikes could get hurt.
BILL:
You've spent four years and forty million dollars on your
investigation. And what have you got against me to show for it?
KEN:
Well, to be precise: the sworn testimony of Monica, Betty Currie,
Bruce Lindsay, and Buddy the Dog; pages from your schedule listing
such items as "3:45 p.m.: have sexual relations with Monica" and
"3:55 p.m.: ask someone to lie about it --"
BILL:
Okay, okay...I guess I kind of did have a relationship that was
kind of not appropriate.
KEN:
(restlessly, to JERRY) Now can I drive the stake through his heart?
JERRY:
We have another surprise for you, Bill. We've brought your wife
Hillary on the show.
(BILL tries to run off stage.)
JERRY:
Good afternoon, Hillary. As you know, you've come on the show to
learn something about your relationship with Bill. Bill, should I
let you take it from here?
BILL:
(taking HILLARY's hands and binding them with rope) Hillary, we've
been together 27 years now, and I love you a lot, but there's something
I have to tell you. I had a relationship that was not appropriate.
HILLARY:
Such a surprise! I never thought you'd actually admit it.
BILL:
Hillary, if you forgive me, I promise I won't have sexual relations
with any other women, pursuant, of course, to the definition of'
"sexual relations" as delineated in Deposition Exhibit 1, Rule 1.
(BILL and HILLARY kiss.)
AUDIENCE:
Ahhhhhhh...
JERRY:
Now, Hillary, you have something to tell Bill, don't you.
HILLARY:
Yes, I do. -- Bill, I have to be honest with you. I too had a
relationship that was not appropriate.
BILL:
WHAT!?! You've been [expletive deleted] around!?! Who is the
[expletive deleted]?
HILLARY:
Well, actually it's someone you know...It's Ken.
BILL:
That [expletive deleted]! What in the world did you see in him?
What's he got that I don't!?!
HILLARY:
Power...Power.
(BILL lunges at KEN.)
JERRY:
We'll be back in a moment with questions from the audience.
Q1:
Yeah, this is for Bill. As an American citizen, I'm concerned that
the problems caused by your relationship with Monica are distracting
you from your other tasks.
BILL:
Good question. There's no need to worry, though. You see, I have a
really good ability to compartmentalize. For example, when I'm with
one woman, I'm very good about not calling out the name of another
woman.
Q2:
Hillary, so will you promise Bill that you won't engage in sexual
relations with other men?
HILLARY:
Certainly...(grinning) Pursuant, of course, to Rule 1.
Q3:
Yeah, another question for Bill. You know, you're involved with
all these women and yet your job approval ratings are so high.
What's the secret?
BILL:
One word: Viagra.
JERRY:
I'll be back in a minute with a final thought.
JERRY:
Welcome back. Today's guests are in trouble because they are unable
to examine themselves objectively and to act responsibly toward others.
As we approach the 21st century, I hope we will reclaim virtue by
remembering the dreams of our Founding Fathers, rejecting self-indulgence,
and giving generous tax cuts to talk show hosts. To our guests, I can
only urge that they ask themselves who they are, and who they want to
be...Until next time, take care of yourselves.
FROM AUDIENCE:
Jerry in 2000!
ALL:
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
(JERRY winks to camera.)
With the upcoming 2000 elections there has been a lot of confusion
over the players crucial to the next election. So here's a way to
simplify this topic.
This is all the Wizard of Oz.
Dan Quayle is the scarecrow who needs a brain.
Al Gore is the tinman.
George Bush is the cowardly lion who is too shy to be completely
honest about his past.
Elizabeth Dole is Dorothy who doesn't know where she is and not quite
sure where she's going.
And of course we have to mention Clinton because he's a factor while
all this is going on. Clinton is of course Toto, because throughout all
this he's looking up Dorothy's skirt.
Top Ten Bill Clinton Pickup Lines
10) Hubba, Hubba, Hubba, My name's Bubba.
9) Want to play swallow the leader?
8) Ever seen a Patriot Missile up close?
7) Would you like a position on the Executive Branch?
6) Would you like to help me with some domestic affairs?
5) Want to meet the Presidential Staff?
4) Want to see my latest poll result?
3) How'd you like to join the Presidential Piece Corps?
2) Would you like a cigar?
1) How would you like to be part of the Presidential caucus?
Speaking of movies, let's compare two very popular ones...
Titanic Video: $9.99 on Internet
Clinton Video: $9.99 on Internet
Titanic Video: Over 3 hours long
Clinton Video: Over 3 hours long
Titanic Video: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden
love, and a subsequent catastrophy
Clinton Video: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
love, and a subsequent catastrophy
Titanic Video: Celine Dion sings "My Heart Will Go On"
Clinton Video: Bill Clinton thinks "My Hard Will Go On"
Titanic Video: Villain is White Star Cruise Line
Clinton Video: Villain is Ken Starr
Titanic Video: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton Video: Bill is a B.S. artist
Titanic Video: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton Video: In one part, Bill enjoys a good cigar
Titanic Video: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton Video: During the ordeal, Monica's dress gets ruined
Titanic Video: Rose undresses and exposes her breasts
Clinton Video: Monica undresses and exposes her breasts
Titanic Video: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton Video: Bill... never mind
Titanic Video: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton Video: Monica forced to return her gifts
Titanic Video: Not enough lifeboats
Clinton Video: Not enough lifeboats
Titanic Aftermath: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton Aftermath: Bill Clinton is wildly popular
Titanic Finale: Jack meets an icy death
Clinton Finale: Bill goes home to Hillary
A poll of random Americans revealed that fully 63% believed
that President Clinton had ordered the American armed forces
to attack suspected terrorist sites in Afghanistan and the
Sudan in order to divert media attention from Monica Lewinsky.
Surprisingly,
* 71% agreed that, if so, this was "a pretty good idea,"
* only 15% held out for calling it an "immoral abuse of power,"
* with the remaining 14% settling on "par for the course."
Furthermore,
* a whopping 87% would support Clinton in a strategic military
intervention aimed at Independent Prosecutor Kenneth Starr's office.
* 69% would back the President in a similar action against Iraq to
insure that the Lewinsky case does not return to front pages for
at least a week, and
* 57% would be willing to support an attack on "France...
possibly Italy" if it would achieve that result.
A Yellow Card for Clinton
The crowd's biggest reaction of regulation time was when
the crowd booed as Clinton was shown on the scoreboard.
--Associated Press Report on Women's Soccer World Cup
The Rose Bowl, Pasadena, California 10 July 1999
Hoping to score him a goal
Bill Clinton attended the Bowl
But soccer moms booed him
Had nobody clued him?
He ought to have taken a poll!
During the Women's World Cup finals between China and the U.S.,
one American player was injured and was forced to leave the match.
To communicate the significance of losing the player, a commentator
on American TV noted that she "is the best header in the world."
It was suddenly clear why President Clinton chose to attend.
And he made visits to both of the locker rooms after the game.
Did he get lucky?
Probably not, Hillary was there and he didn't have any cigars anyway.
Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington
Monument.
He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."
Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped.
He said, "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the
Lincoln Memorial.
He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off
and go to the theater?"
Letters to Bill Clinton:
Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament.
Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to
admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free
and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter
Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!
Gary Hart
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that
charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit
that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's
thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show?
I'm back on TV for the fall.
Marv Albert
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon
(note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the
only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex.
Warm personal regards,
Newt
Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards
and invites her to come on her show anytime.
Frank Gifford
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing
anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself
into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to
know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring
Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want.
I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have
their room.
Michael Jackson
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Bakker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape.
Big mistake!!
With sympathy,
Rob Lowe
Dear Bill:
If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit.
Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually
manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny
how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything
else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor)
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
Dear Mr. President:
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine
Bill Clinton was dismayed by the errors being made by the CIA and
the FBI. He called in the directors and asked, "How come Israel knows
things we don't know? How come the Jews here in the US know things
we don't know?"
Louis Freeh, the FBI director, called in Moe Katz, an undercover
agent, and he told Clinton, "We have a code. We ask `Vos titzach?-
- what's happening?' and we share information."
Clinton orders a Hassidic disguise. He puts on a caftan and
shtreimel, a beard with payess and scuffed black shoes. They secretly
fly him into McGuire AFB in New Jersey on Stealth Fighter. They then
smuggle him in an old dented station wagon with an elderly Hassidic
driver to Boro Park in Brooklyn, where he is dropped off on a corner.
Clinton approaches a man dressed similarly and asks, "Vos titzach?"
"Shhh", the man replies, "Bill Clinton is in Brooklyn."
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What Bill said (What he was really thinking) Good evening. (I can't believe I'm here when there's so much good tail to be chasing). This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (Scared shitless and sweating like a pig) I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. (Unless you like to read Penthouse Forum and believe they are all true too!) Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. (Besides, I don't have any choice) As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. (I lied like a cheap rug) Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.(She rode me like a bronco buster) In fact, it was wrong. (She's a great piece of ass) It constituted a critical lapse in judgement and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. (I am such a dumb fuck) But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. (And you're supposed to believe this too. Would I lie to you??) I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that. (What's upset Hillary the most is that I wouldn't share Monica with her) I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. (I'm as horny as a 17 year old) First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (She caught me spanking my monkey) I was also very concerned about protecting my family. (God I hope they buy this crock of bullshit). The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too. (I'll say anything to convince myself). In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, (Back when Hillary and I used to actually have sex together..... with each other) dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago. (But has found every single other person involved with it guilty, dead , fled the country or refusing to talk) The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation (He keeps finding everything we thought we had safely buried. Shit!) This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. (But Vince Foster really did commit suicide. I mean it, he really did. I was there when it happened) Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most (Gennifer and Monica)--my wife and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. (Except resign.) Nothing is more important to me personally. (Except having some sweet young thing just throw herself at me and give me my own one-gun salute). But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours. (But damn, it does sell newspapers. Good thing I bought those 10,000 shares of Knight-Ridder at 18 1/3). Even presidents have private lives. (And getting a little on the side is supposed to be a perk of the office). It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life. (Besides, the "Gentleman's Dreams" Escort Service is sending me over a couple of new girls in about 10 minutes. I get really horny when I'm under a lot of stress) Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. (My part was easy. I just stood there while Monica did all the work. I love that gal!) That is all I can do. (What, you think I'm really running the country?) Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on (Yeah, move on to those two girls coming over). We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, (asses to grab) real problems to solve, (I have to learn how to hold it in longer. I hate coming so soon) real security matters to face. (Get some new locks put on the doors to the Oval Office) And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, (and look at the real spectacle of the past 5 1/2 years) to repair the fabric of our national discourse, (and the fabric of Monica's stained dress) and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century. (all those young girls who will soon be ripe for the picking). Thank you for watching. And good night. (Fuck you). |
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