Hillary just hired a new White House intern.
Lorenna Bobbitt!
The hottest new political bumper sticker in New York State:
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put 'em on the rear bumper...
Republicans affix them to the front bumper.
Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.
What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.
What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
"Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
He wants to be on top.
How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
He married her.
What does Hillary Clinton do after shaving her pussy in the morning?
She puts a suit and tie on him and sends him off to work.
Did you here about Kentucky Fried Chicken's Hillary Combo meal?
Two small breasts, two large thighs and two left wings.
Why does Bill Clinton hate to leave Hillary at home when he travels?
He hates to leave her behind alone.
What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
He turned into Hillary.
How often does Hillary Clinton have to ask Bill to change a light bulb?
Once if she mentions Gennifer Flowers.
Why does Hillary wear turtleneck sweaters?
So you don't see her Adam's apple bobbing when Bill speaks.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Why are there so many Secret Service agents surrounding Hillary Clinton?
Because if anything happened to her, Bill would become President.
What's the difference between Newt Gingrich and Hillary Clinton?
Newt always wants to screw the president.
What is the difference between Hillary Clinton and the hookers
in downtown Little Rock?
The hookers have real orgasms and fake diamonds.
What would Hillary Rodham be if she married anyone other
than Bill Clinton?
First lady.
Why won't Hillary Clinton wear miniskirts?
She's afraid when she bends over, her balls will show.
Why doesn't Hillary sleep with Bill Clinton anymore?
She's allergic to Flowers.
Why did Bill get a stepladder?
So Hillary could climb off his ass.
Hillary's latest book:
"It takes a Village -- to Keep Track of my Husband"
How cold is it?... Well, it's so cold that Bill Clinton is
sleeping with his own wife in order to keep warm.
It's horrible to realize that Bill is just a heartbeat
away from the presidency.
In the case of divorce, will Hillary get the White House?
Did you hear that in light of Bill's testimony that Hiliary
is so embarrassed that she is going to change her name?
Yep, she's changing it to Sharon Peters
Hillary: Bill, you delivered an excellent speech.
Bill: Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Hillary: Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?
What is the difference between Hillary Clinton and the Panama Canal?
One is a busy ditch!
What is the difference between Hillary and Liberace?
Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.
Bill C., Hillary R.-C., and Newt are all in a terrible plane crash.
They all stand before God.
"Who are you?" asks a voice.
"I'm Newt Gingrich," says Newt.
"Ah, Newt, my son. Come and sit here, on my right side," says God.
"And who are you?"
"I'm Bill Clinton," says Bill.
"Ah, Bill, my son. Come and sit here, on my left side," says God.
"And who are you?"
"I'm Hillary Rodham-Clinton, and I think you're in my chair."
After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos
wishes, "To wake up with 3 women in my bed."
She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding
and Hillary Clinton.
His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
Hillary and Bill were on their private plane and Bill said, "Hillary,
I want to throw a $100 dollar bill out the window and make one person
happy."
Hillary replies, "why don't you throw 10 $10 dollar bills out and
make 10 people happy?"
Then their pilot says, "Why don't you both jump out the window and
make everyone happy!"
One day, while being driven around the capitol, Hillary notices a
young girl with a wagon full of kittens. On the lookout for a PR event,
she stops to talk to the girl.
As Hillary admires the kittens, the girl proudly boasts, "All my
kittens are Democrats!"
Hillary thinks this is just the thing to show those nasty Republicans
that even little children know the best party. She makes plans with the
little girl to meet in a couple days with Bill and the press corps.
When they meet, Bill kneels down in front of the girl and picks up
a kitten and say, "Hillary says you have something special to tell me
about your kittens" he says.
"Yes, sir. All my kittens are Republicans!"
Hillary splutters "You told me they were all Democrats!".
The girl responds, "Yes ma'am, but that was before they opened
their eyes."
Bill and Hillary are taking a Sunday drive. They pull into a rural
gas station in a two-flea town. Filling up their tank, Bill notices
that the minion working gas pumps is an old flame of Hillary's.
Driving aways Bill says to Hillary, "You know, honey, if you had
married him instead of me, things would have been a lot different!"
"Yes," says Hillary. "HE would have been President!"
Bill is seen leaving the Whitehouse one afternoon with a puppy
on a leash.
A bystander hollers, "good looking dog, Mr. President".
Bill smiles and responds, "Thanks. I got him for Hillary".
The bystander shouts back, "NICE TRADE!"
One day, Bill Clinton is at the white house and has to attend to the
call of nature. He finds himself in the restroom at a urinal next to
Jesse Jackson. He peeks down into the next urinal, and is astounded
at the size of Jackson's organ.
"Damn, Jesse, how in the world did you get such a huge dick?", he
asked.
"Well, uh, Bill, each night befores I go to bed, I whack it on the
bedpost. That's how I got it so big." Jackson replied.
So that night as he is preparing for bed, Bill Clinton, still amazed
at the sight of Jesse Jacksons' organ, decides to try out the bedpost
bit, and wacks his unit on the post.
The noise rouses Hillary, who says, "That you, Jesse?".
Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone
has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White
House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting
samples from every member of the White House staff and find the
culprit immediately.
A week later, the FBI director calls.
"Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says.
"The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole."
"And the bad news?" Clinton demands.
After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting
belongs to your wife!"
President Clinton was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the
corner hailed him.
"Hey Mr. President Fifty bucks!"
"No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging.
This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine.
Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey
Mr. President...Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five
Bucks!"
Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill.
As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene
was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like
all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey
Mr. President...See what you get for Five Bucks!"
Bill Clinton and wife at a baseball game. A Secret Service man
whispers something to Mr. Clinton. Clinton nods and throws Hillary
out of their box.
The Secret Service man says, "No Mr. Clinton, you're supposed
to throw out the first pitch!"
Hillary Clinton NY Senate Campaign Slogans
10. "Read My Lips - No New Interns"
9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different
Clinton?"
7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You
Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"
6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"
4. "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!"
3. "From Perjury To Albany"
2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My
Husband Over It"
1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering
into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news, "There's no easy
way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Plan to be a widow. Your husband
will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question, "Will I be
acquitted?"
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill
wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to
tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for her annual physical. After an
exhaustive exam, blood work, etc. her doctor tells her the examination
is over, to get dressed and to meet him in his office for a consultation.
Hillary dresses and goes into his office where upon he tells her,
"Hillary, you are in great shape. Your blood pressure is good, your
weight is coming down, your cholestorol is in the normal range, and
over all you are in great health. However, I think I have a surprise
for you. YOU'RE 3 MONTHS PREGNANT!'
Hillary grabs her purse and storms out of the doctor's office. She
grabs the first payphone she comes to and calls the White House and
demands to be put through to the Oval Office.
The President answers his phone and Hillary shouts, "YOU GODDAMN SON
OF A BITCH, YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"
The President pauses for a few seconds and then asks, "Who is this?"
Are You A Rodman Or A Rodham?
by Paul Seaburn
You looking for a new way to entertain guests at your next party?
Tired of playing Cards? You know all the answers to Trivial Pursuit.
Your liberal neighbors borrowed your Twister game and it came back
all sticky and smelling like cheap perfume? It's time to try the new
fun game that's sweeping the nation: Are You A Rodman Or A Rodham?
Just read the questions out loud and see if your guests can figure
out if you're describing a Rodman or a Rodham. And no cheating...
that means you're a Rodham!
If you change your hair color at the drop of a hat... you're a Rodman.
If you change your hair style at the drop of a point in the polls...
you're a Rodham.
If your claim to fame is sleeping with Madonna... you're a Rodman.
If your claim to fame is sleeping with a prima donna... you're a Rodham.
If you talk trash... you're a Rodman.
If you talk to ghosts... you're a Rodham.
If you sometimes play under duress... you're a Rodman.
If you sometimes play under your dress... you're a Rodham.
If your hair is blue because you're in a mood... you're a Rodman.
If your husband is black-and-blue because you're in a mood... you're a
Rodham.
If the first thing you do every morning is put a ring in your nose...
you're a Rodman.
If the first thing you do every morning is put a ring in your husbands
nose... you're a Rodham.
If people complain about your foul shots... you're a Rodman.
If people complain about your foul shorts... you're a Rodham.
If everyone is trying to get you into a sexy nightie... you're a Rodman.
If no one is trying to get you out of a sexy nightie... you're a Rodham.
If you wear briefs... you're a Rodman.
If you were boxers... you're a Rodham.
If you celebrated your wedding by getting tattoed... you're a Rodman.
If you celebrated your wedding by getting your husband branded... you're
a Rodham.
If people around you cheer when you take your shirt off... you're a
Rodman.
If people around you cheer when you take the day off... you're a Rodham.
If you get your picture taken for the game program... you're a Rodman.
If you get your picture taken for the Witness Protection Program...
you're a Rodham.
If it feels like you're playing with three men on you... you're a
Rodman.
If it feels like you're having sex with three men on you... you're a
Rodham.
If you double-pump and then pass off... you're a Rodman.
If your husband double pumps and then passes out... you're a Rodham.
If you think Scottie Pippen is a shooting guard... you're a Rodman.
If you think a condom is a shooting guard... you're a Rodham.
If going up against the tight defense of the Cleveland Cavaliers makes
you double-dribble... you're a Rodman.
If brushing up against the tight butt of George Stephanopoulus makes you
double-dribble... you're a Rodham.
If you do your best on the court... you're a Rodman.
If you do your best to avoid the court... you're a Rodham.
If you're watching your mouth until you get one more championship
ring...you're a Rodman.
If you're using your mouth until you get one more diamond ring... you're
a Rodham.
If you practice a "jump ball"... you're a Rodman.
If you practice jumping bail... you're a Rodham.
If you asked for a million dollars to pose naked for a book cover...
you're a Rodman.
If you asked for a million dollars to pose naked for an Asian
businessman...you're a Rodham.
If you think a tip-in is a way to get an easy basket... you're a Rodman.
If you think a tip-in is a way to have safe sex... you're a Rodham.
If none of the guys on the team look up to you... you're a Rodman.
If none of the guys in Congress look up your dress... you're a Rodham.
If you practice covering... you're a Rodman.
If you practice cover ups... you're a Rodham.
If you dress like a slut for attention... you're a Rodman.
If you dress like a slut for conventions... you're a Rodham.
If you're bad as you wanna be... you're a Rodman.
If you wanna be president bad... you're a Rodham.
Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor for an examination. He discovers
that she has crabs. It comes as little surprise, but he wonders, How
do you tactfully tell the First Lady she has crabs?
After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him in his office,
where he tells her that she has a very unusual condition: Nixon's
Disease.
"WHAT?" she says.
"Nixon's Disease," he repeats.
"Level with me doc. What does it mean?"
"Well, Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your
oval office!"
From The Oval Orifice
Hillary dickery dock,
Bill can't control his cock.
The clock struck eight,
It's time to fellate.
Hillary dickery dock.
Hillary dickery dock,
They're sucking your husband's cock.
The clock struck three,
It's on TV.
Hillary dickery dock.
The wives of four world leaders were discussing what a penis is
called in their native languages.
The wife of Tony Blair said in England people call it a Gentleman
because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin said in Russia it is called a Patriot
because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back
side.
The wife of Chirac said the French call it a Curtain because it goes
down after the act.
And Hillary Clinton said Americans call it a Rumor because it goes
from mouth-to-mouth.
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