Hillary Clinton says, "Bill, now the press is saying you lent money
to that Monica Lewinsky for plastic surgery."
He says, "You see how they twist things? What I said was that I blew
a wad on her face."
I just heard that Monica is going to advertise for Jenny Craig
(seriously, it was on CNN Headline News). I can hardly wait for
the ads, where I can only assume that she is going to tell everyone
that the secret to losing weight is not swallowing.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
1 U.S. leader
One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her
Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed
up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo
and behold a genie popped out.
"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released
me, I will grant you one wish."
"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a
while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these
love handles."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands,
a puff of smoke...and her ears fell off.
Commercials Aired During The Lewinsky/Walters Interview"
(these really did air during the interview)
5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4. Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party, and I'll Cry
if I Want To."
3. Oral-B Deluxe.
2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following voice-over:
"When she was only 20, she seduced the most powerful leader in the
world."
1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually has the power to
remove stains!"
There once was a girl named Lewinsky,
Who's goal was different than Kaczynski's,
Her aim was to blow,
So that no one would know,
So she swallowed in order to convince thee.
Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.
How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the white House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Did you hear about the release of a new Monica Lewinsky stamp?
You don't have to lick it, it licks you.
What did Bill Clinton claim he told Monica Lewinsky?
I didn't tell her to lie in the deposition.
I told her to lie in the position.
Did you here Monica Lewinsky got a new job with a major
tennis apparel and equipment company ?
She now sells HEAD.
Why did Lewinsky have an affair with Clinton?
She wanted to get ahead in the world.
What's the most truthful item on Monica Lewinsky's resume?
Was on the Presidential Staff
What did the FBI find in the pocket of Monica Lewinsky's dress?
A Wad of Bills.
Clinton's close friend and confidant Vernon Jordan testified
that the only reason he assisted Monica Lewinsky in finding
a new job was to help her get back on her feet again.
What do Monica Lewinsky and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
They both blew the Big One.
Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky have definitely changed the
definition of "An oval office de-briefing!"
A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."
Clinton finally commented on Monica today, saying, "She has
the whitest teeth I've ever come across!"
What did Bill Clinton say when he was asked how having sex with
his wife Hillary compared to having sex with Monica Lewinsky?
He replied, "It's close but no cigar".
What do you call an eight-day blowjob?
Hanukkah Lewinsky.
What do Lucille Ball and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
They have both had intimate relations with a Cuban.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky?
One can't come clean and the other can't clean come.
What do NASCAR and Monica L. have in common?
They both have Dick Trickle!
President Clinton plans to announce on Thursday that NASA is naming
the first female commander of a space shuttle mission. "For her
superior work servicing rockets both before and after blastoff, I am
pleased to name Miss Monica Lewinsky ..."
What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common? They
both have slots that say "insert BILL here."
What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the presidency.
Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to
sell her story?
She said she will tell it blow by blow.
What's Monica going to title her memoirs? "how to suckseed in the
oval office without really trying."
Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
Monica swallowed the evidence.
Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's Withholding evidence.
Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.
What did Ms. Lewinsky allegedly say when offered a position at the UN?
Would that be a missionary position?
What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
The Executive Branch.
What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
To get some dick in the White House, we merely voted.
What did Monica say when she finally met Hillary?
I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your husband down.
What do Monica and Alaska have in common?
The Ididarod.
What did Clinton say when Monica called him a creep?
"I'll thank you to keep a civil tongue on my head!"
If Monica was a bird, what kind would she be?
A swallow.
Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup"
His nickname for Monica?
"My little suction cup"
Why can't Monica become a spy?
Because she spits everything out when the debriefing's done.
Why did Bill stop playing the saxophone?
It was out of tune when Monica started playing his organ.
What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
What California city can't Bill get off his mind lately?
Scent o' Monica.
How did they finally bust Clinton?
Monica finally coughed up the evidence.
During Nixon's administration we had a crisis
involving "Tricky Dicky." Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky."
Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is now working for
7-11? She's endorsing the "Big Gulp."
To his credit, Clinton is now defending Monica Lewinsky, saying she was
no different from any other White House intern.
"She takes my pants off one leg at a time, just like everyone else."
What is Bill Clinton's favorite trick?
Monica Lewinsky.
What's the first thing Bill said after the Lewinsky allegations?
She never could keep her mouth shut.
Why did Lewinsky have an affair with Clinton?
She wanted to get ahead in the world.
What did Clinton say the night after the Lewinsky story broke?
'What A Bad Tripp!'
What do Sleeping Beauty and Lewinsky have in common?
Both were Pricked.
What was clinton's last gift to Monica?
Spot remover.
What did Lewinsky say when she left the White House?
'At least I won't have to see that Prick again!'
If you think Monica Lewinsky is DUMB consider this, Monica doesn't
know the difference between, "Keeping her mouth shut, and GOing down
in History"
First he had Flowers placed on his desk,
Now he has Lewinsky called on to the carpet.
First Lewinsky was squeezed by the president,
Now she is being squeezed by Starr.
Why can't the White House interns keep their jobs?
They suck!
What do Politicians and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
They both bend over for Big Tobacco.
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the old
man who owns it, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Being hard of hearing, the old man queries, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
Well, did you hear about Monica Lewinsky's new restaurant?
Everything on the menu sucks!!
How did Ms. Lewinsky initially feel about her job in the White House?
She liked it going in.
What is Monica doing now that she can't see Willie?
Chewing Dickorette gum.
Most of you have seen the posters with celebrities that shows them
with milk on their face with the caption "Got Milk".
I have heard there is one with Monica saying "Got Bill".
Whats the difference between hurricane bonnie and hurricane monica?
hurricane monica blew a crooked path
hurricane bonnie induced only one surge (vs 18)
...in common?
the low pressure center was always on the eye
What is the difference between Lee Harvey Oswald, and Monica Lewinsky?
She blew the wrong head off.
What do you get if you cross Kaczinski with Lewinsky?
A dynamite blow-job.
I understand that after all the hoopla is over Monica has decided to
change her name so she can live a normal life.
What's her NEW name?
"SHARON PETERS"
Why is Monica Lewinsky like The Spice Girls?
They both made names for themselves while sucking.
Don't be too hard on li'l Monica.
Clinton told her oral sex wasn't adultery and she swallowed it.
Now that Vernon Jordan has ceased his search for a new
job for Monica Lewinsky, Yuks'R'Us! has decided to pick
up the torch. We suggest the following as possible new
careers for poor Monica...
1> Sperm Bank Admissions Clerk
2> Cigar Spokesmodel
3> Phone Sex Operator
4> Woodward-Bernstein Informant
5> Slim Fast Spokesperson
6> Stain Consultant at the Dry Cleaners
7> Sword Swallower
8> Cigar Humidor
Monica Lewinsky's lawyers were arguing with Clintons defense team when
Lewinsky's character was questioned by the former. There may be some
validity to the rumers that Lewinsky had political motives she was,
and and may still be, persuing when...That's nonsense responded one
of Monica's attorneys, she didn't have a political bone in her body
before she got to the White House.
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to
President Clinton's testimony:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste
in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting
the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in
my face.
This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when
I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what
is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on.
I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.
No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher,
that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight
this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.
I will not be stained by it.
"Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
Although there have been some reports that the semen found on
Monica Lewinsky's dress has been identified as President Clinton's,
some experts are claiming that the semen could not possibly have
come from the President. Robert Glass, a noted ballistics expert,
claims that given the position of the President, and the position
of Ms. Lewinsky, that it is not possible that the President's
semen landed on her dress.
"The semen would have to have turned 180 degrees in mid-air!",
explained Mr. Glass. "In effect, it would have to be magic semen."
Mr. Glass, and other experts, contend that there must have been a
second mystery semen-shooter, standing behind the President. Several
White House aides claim that they saw a man during the time period
in question standing behind a potted plant in the oval office. Asked
why they didn't report him, the aides explained that they assumed
that the man was a gardener, there to water the plants.
"He was holding something in his hand." explained a White House
secretary. "It looked like a hose."
Democrats are now saying that the President has possibly been framed
by a vast right-wing conspiracy, and are demanding a new investigation.
Ken Starr is outraged by these speculations, claiming that his report
is accurate, and that there was a lone semen shooter in the White House.
"We have extensively investigated this incident, and have come to the
conclusion that Bill Clinton acted alone in the shooting." explained
Mr. Starr.
Yet, not every one is satisfied with the Starr Report.
"Some one wanted to see that dress get stained." says Bob Long, a
friend of the Clintons. "And now, the government is trying to cover
it up."
Titles under consideration for Monica's new autobiography...
"I Suck At My Job"
"What Really Goes Down In The White House"
"How I Blew It In Washington"
"Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President"
"Clear and Present Boner"
"Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule"
"Going Back for Gore"
"Podium Girl"
"Secret Services to the President"
"Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton"
"Deep Inside The Oval Office"
"The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions"
"My Chief of Staff"
"Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes"
"How To Beat Off the Government"
"Going Down and Moving Up"
"Members of the Cabinet"
"Me and My Big Mouth"
"How To Get A Head in Business"
Things came to a head last week and the name Monica Lewinsky
is fast becoming a real mouthful at the White House. The latest
news about President Clinton is definitely hard to swallow and
seems certain to leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the current
administration. It will be some time before all the stains
resulting from this issue are removed from the Oval Office.
Monica Lewinsky has proved to be not as tight lipped as Clinton
had hoped and is expected to spit out the truth to a Grand Jury
tomorrow. She will surely go down in history for her orations
concerning the comings and goings behind the doors of the Oval
Office.
Monica was apparently on her knees when she received the recent
gagging order from the Whitehouse and now has to decide whether to
swallow her pride and dispose of the evidence, or to succumb to the
deep throated rumblings of the Washington Press Corp and spill the
issue wide open.
Any attempt by Lewinsky to suck up to Clinton can only be construed
as lip service and Clinton would be advised to try and minimize the
impact of this, the latest in a long series of blows he has received
since coming to power.
Despite this latest blow, job security for the President seems to
be assured, as he can rely on his proven oral skills to promote a
career in public speaking, being, as he has often shown, a cunning
linguist (although Hillary Clinton may disagree with this, as she
claims she is rarely on the end of a tongue lashing from Bill!).
Miss Lewinsky is from a naval background and her choice of the
Clinton as a lover is somewhat surprising given her preference for
seamen. According to her lawyer, Miss Lewinski likes to see men in
power and relished the thought of taking a length of time to chew
things over with the President, whenever she could fit him in. And
the President was equally keen to see Miss Lewinsky, always putting
on a spurt when he entered her office.
Miss Lewinsky has apparently been offered a PR job by Listerine,
who described her as spunky enough for the any job. Her name has
also been associated with Big Gulp soda advertising and Kleenex.
Monica Lewinsky to get paid for opening her mouth.
After Monica signed her $1 million book deal, many
people were wondering what she was going to call it.
Here's a few suggestions...
"The Tapes of Wrath"
"Horton Hatches A Scandal"
"Midnight in the Rose Garden of Good and Evil"
"Lowered of the Fly"
"How to Give Head in Business Without Really Trying"
"Bill Clinton's Private Parts"
"Men are from Mars, Kneepads are from Reebok"
"I'm OK, You're Subpoenaed"
"The Art of the Kneel"
"Linda Tripp is a Big Fat Idiot"
"All I Really Needed to Know I Learned From Vacuum Cleaners"
"All the President's Semen"
"The Stainmaker"
"The Great Gagsby"
"Getting To Oh, God, Yes!"
"Releasing the Giant Within"
"Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Underside
of the Desk in the Oval Office But Were Afraid to Ask"
"Profiles in Cleavage"
"Great Expectorations."
Reports out of Washington are now explaining how this whole Monica
Lewinsky thing started...When Ms. Lewinsky was a White House intern,
she asked President Clinton if there were any full time jobs available
in Washington.
President Clinton replied, "NO JOB; NO JOB."
Apparently Ms. Lewinsky misunderstood what the President had said.
D'ja hear Clinton's give up on th' Sax? Yup.
Now he play's a 'WhoreMonica'!
The White House spin is that this is just a third rate blow job.
Bill Clinton's in the Lincoln bedroom engaged in some heavy foreplay
with Monica, when he decides that it's time to finish the deed. As he's
doing so, Monica lets out a cry of discomfort.
"What's the matter, honey?" Asks the President.
"I'm still a virgin, and it hurts!"was the reply.
Bill responds, "I feel your pain!"
This morning, National Public Radio reported that Monica Lewinsky had
been in an accident with her Sport Utility Vehicle.
Immediately, five things came to my mind:
1. She must have blown a rod.
2. Obviously, her driving sucks too.
3. It's not the first time she flipped over something with a spare tire.
4. I wonder how badly THIS accident stained her dress?
5. The President said: "Sure, *now* she rolls over."
Monica Lewinsky was back in the news a couple of weeks ago, when she
got in a minor accident. However, doctors say Monica's injuries from
her car crash were minor, and she should be back on her knees in no time.
A young Jewish homosexual calls his mother to tell her he has decided
to go straight; he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be
married! He tells his mother he knows she will be happier since his
gay lifestyle had been very disturbing to her.
She admits she is, indeed, delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose
it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but that she comes from
a wealthy Beverly Hills family.
The mother is overjoyed by this news and asks, "What's her name?"
He answers, "Monica... Monica Lewinsky."
There is a brief pause, then his mother asks, "And what ever happened
to that nice goyische boy you were dating last year?"
Monica, be nimble,
Monica, be quick,
Monica, preforms
An oral trick.
Tired of all the comments in the press regarding her weight, Monica
Lewinsky went to see a plastic surgeon for some severe weight reduction.
The Dr. cautioned her that trying to do to much at once can be a shock
on the system, so she asked him to at least remove her love handles
during the first procedure.
He advised her that removal of both ears could leave her
completely deaf.
I noticed some interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:
- Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
- She sucks
- She blows
- She's bloated
- She's the focus of a huge legal battle
- She'll go down in a heartbeat
Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
Monica Lewinsky's tell-all book about her affair with the U.S. President
has, for one Winnipeg Chapters outlet, not sold all that well after its
first day on the shelves, as reported by CBC Radio News.
To draw attention to the book, or to perhaps add some perspective, the
Lewinksy book had three other titles surrounding it on its display:
"Divorce for Dummies"
"100 Ways to Leave Your Lover"
"How to Remove Stains"
At a meeting in Paris, a French diplomat, a Japanese diplomat,
a Mexican diplomat and our Bill Clinton were discussing matters
of the world. At dinner, the waiter approches each of them for
a drink.
The Frenchman is asked, "Le vin?"
He answers, "Oui!" and is served a glass of wine.
The waiter goes to the Japanese offical and asks, "Le Sake?"
He answers, "Oui!" and serves him Sake.
To the Mexican the waiter asks, "Le Tequila?"
He answers, "Oui!" and is served his shotglass.
Finally, the waiter gets to Bill Clinton and asks, "Le Whiskey?"
Bill pounds his fist on the table and shouted, "Don't even TALK
about her!"
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