Redneck Jokes

Redneck Jokes



Hi everybody!  I just got a letter from my Maw and I thought 
you'd like to read it.

Dear Son,

 Your Pa has a new job.  The first in 48 years.  We are a little 
better off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday.  So we up and thought
we'd do a little fixin up.  We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one 
of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber 
to put it in shape.
  On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like 
the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over.  Over 
on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for 
light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we 
really got something.
  There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get 
fresh water for the other foot.  Two lids come with the darn thing 
and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one 
for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.
  They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll 
of writing paper with it.

 Take care of yourself son.

 Your Maw



What Do You Call `Hee Haw' In Oklahoma?
A Documentary.

What Do They Call It In Kentucky?
`Life Styles Of The Rich And Famous'



What Do You Call A Redneck With A Third Grade Education?
Perfessor



What Do You Call The Layer Of Sweat Between Two Rednecks Having Sex?
Relative Humidity.



What Do You Call A Redneck From Thailand?
A Redneck Thai.



What Is The Difference Between A Good Ol' Boy And A Redneck?
The Good Ol' Boy Raises Livestock. 
The Redneck Gets Emotionally Involved.



What Is The Difference Between A Yankee Zoo And A Redneck Zoo?
On The Cage, In A Yankee Zoo, It Will Have The Name Of The Animal 
And The Scientific Name. A Southern Zoo Will Have The Name Of The 
Animal And The Recipe.



What's the difference between a northern fairytale 
and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...



How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.



What does it mean when a West Virginia baby drools out of 
 both sides of his mouth?
The trailer is level.



What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.  In West Virginia it's 
a misdemeanor.

 

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.



  Two Arkansas are walking down different ends of a street 
toward each other and one is carrying a sack.
  When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in  
th' bag?" 
  "Jus' some chickens."
  "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
  "I'll give you both of them."
  "OK.  Ummmmm......, five?"



  The Arkansan and his gal were embracing passionately in the
front seat of the car.
  "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
  "No," he replied.
  A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in 
the back seat?"
  "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat 
with you."



  If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number 
of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an 
infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce 
all the world's great literary works in Braille.




  Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.  The passenger, Bubba,
said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
  "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.  "We'll just pull over 
and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and 
stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the 
seat."
  "What fer?" asked Bubba.
  "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
  Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles 
under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. 
  When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You 
boys been drinkin'?"
  "No sir," Earl said.  "We're on the patch."



  Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a redneck, were sitting 
in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, 
the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought
my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she
doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the
Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
  After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last
anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to
the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at
least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known 
that I loved her."
  The redneck then took a big swig from his beer, and said, 
"Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and 
a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she
could go fuck herself.



How can you tell when a girl is a redneck?
She can chew tobacco and suck cock at the same time, 
and know what to spit and what to swallow!



Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the 
car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

  

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his 
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
Unfortunately she can't touch it until she's fourteen.
 
 

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? 
"Nice tooth!"
 


  Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.  The 911 operator 
told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
  "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
  Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
  The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
  There was a long pause, and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout
if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
 


How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I gotta leak in my sink"
and the person at the front desk says "Go ahead."
 


What is a redneck's defense in court?
"Honest, Your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
 


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
West Virginia to 32?
It seems they're trying to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
 

 
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.
 


  A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin 
to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
  The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
  The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give 
you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for 
the next 19 years."
  The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won 
it and I want it."
  Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day 
and the rest during the next 19 years.
  The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my 
money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, 
then I want my dollar back!"



Redneck Square Dance

Up with the dresses
Down with the pants
In with the pecker
Everybody dance

Girls with the rags on
Up against the wall
Guys with the hard on
Promenade the hall

Girls grab your partner
Firmly by the balls
Drag him down the
Length of the hall

Make him holler
Make him shout
Put your pretty ass
Up against his snout

First lady go
Second lady pass
Third lady's finger
Up the fourth guys ass

Finger our
Promenade the hall
Now release
The poor guys balls

Then down with the petticoat
Up with the pants
For this is the end
Of the Redneck square dance



Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office

The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."

The keyboard is camouflaged.

There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

The password is, "bubba."

The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

"Winders 98" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.

The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.

The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, 
and Old Milwaukee options.

The monitor is up on blocks.

Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.

Deer jerky in the desk drawer.

The screen saver consist of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling
Banjos playing in the background.

The six front keys have rotted out.

John Deere Pocket Protectors



Overheard in Redneck Hell

You're going to have to check that weapon at that Fiery Gates.

I'm sorry but we are out of Old Style.  We do however have 
plenty of Evian.

We start pouring the foundation tomorrow.

No dogs are allowed in the building sir.

I am sorry sir but shirts are required at all times.

Your pickup seems to be running fine.  We even fixed up the rust
spots for free.

Sorry but all our cigarettes cost more than a dollar a pack.

All construction positions have been filled.

No- your son cannot have the same name as you.

She's not even pretty when I'm drunk.

They raised that damn ketchup tax again.

Time for my morning shower.

Sorry sir but you have to pass the literacy test if you want the
cat-fishing license.

WHEL- all Christian, all the time and never any country

Escargot and caviar for dinner again?

They just finished tearing down the last bowling alley.

And now a message from your President, the Reverend Jesse Jackson
and his vice-president, Louis Farrahkan (sp)

No, the NRA meeting has been cancelled but we do have plenty of
room in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Sorry but I don't know how to the make the Black Flagg tattoo.

Honey, could you please pickup the dry cleaning on your way home
from the dentist?

No we do not carry the "spork"

Your Wild Game Hunting subscription has been cancelled and 
replaced with Better Homes and Gardens.

No sir you cannot chew that tobacco inside the barber shop

We now interrupt Championship Trap Shooting in order to bring you
breaking news on the nationwide beer shortage



Overheard in redneck heaven

That ther bacon comes with the biscuits and gravy?

Look, they got a picture of Elvis on the back of the shitter!

So you're my father.

Junior, you ready for the daily rat-shoot?

That's the biggest raccoon I ever done seen!

Whoo hoo pork and beans again.

Excuse me officer, you been doin some drinkin'?

I'd like to pay for that beer with my wife.  Of course, sir.

Hey maw- they're playing Deliverance at the matinee again.

Spam's on sale again honey!

Pass me that there tattoo gun Jake.

Wrestling's on again!

That there old water heater is gonna make the perfect belt buckle!

Ya mean ta tell me the blocks come with the truck?

Get yer pappy a nice glass of moonshine fer his dinner.

Sir, I'd be more than happy to take those dogs off yer hands.

Of course sir the passenger seat gun rack comes standard on 
every model.

Lookie here- free shirts and they already got the holes.

Well officer the truth is I kinda like him beatin on me


Run off now and get yur family their government smokes

There ain't even no lock on this here junkyard.

These all mesh hats are the best thing ever done happened to me.

Well ya see the kids tend to take care of themselves

Which 24 hour nudie bar we gonna hit tonight Jed?

Another beer over here for the Colonel Robert E. Lee



A SELF-RESPECTING REDNECK WOULD NEVER....
                            
Wear sunglasses inside during the daytime. 

Wear his wristwatch with the face of the watch on the inside 
of his wrist. 

Wear a pinkie ring. 

Keep his wallet in his front pants pocket. 

Read his horescope or "Dear Abby".  The sports page is where 
it's at, Hoss. 

Drink hot tea or iced coffee. These are unpardonable sins. 

Watch "The Jerry Springer Show". 

Remove his hat when eatin' with some ol' gal. 

Wear anything chartreuse or lavender. 

Get too close to any man who comes from anywhere north of 
Nashville. 

Button his top shirt button. 

Even own a tie. 

Forget his momma or daddy's birthday. 

Ever talk about how nice anything is in New Jersey or New York. 

Have nothin' to do with any sport car. 

Eat no meat that ain't fried. 

Eat in no cafe that serves foreign food. 

Loan his knife, gun or wife to nobody. 

Let nobody from nowhere make fun of the way you talk. 

Buy nothin' made outside the U.S.A. 

Ever pass up an opportunity to praise the South and run down 
the North. 

Buy nothin' but white bread. Remember, a redneck wouldn't be 
caught dead eatin' the likes of rye or pumpernickle. 



A Typical Redneck Family Tree

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.



Things you would NEVER hear a redneck say...ever

"Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen."

"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex".

Duct tape won't fix that.

Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my gut is too big?

I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, we don't need another dog.

Who's Richard Petty?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

Spittin is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

I've got it all on the C drive.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

"Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight."

Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

You All.




Redneck Engineering Exam

Directions: Please complete the following problems. You may use 
a scratch piece of paper for your calculations which must be 
turned in with your exam.  SHOW ALL WORK! Use only a #2 pencil. 
You have 20 minutes to complete the exam. 

1. Calculate the smallest limb-diameter on a persimmon tree that 
will support a 10 lb. possum.
 
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when 
placed on blocks in your front yard?
A) '66 Ford Fairlane
B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 
20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are 
necessary to condense the product?
 
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. 
The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 
470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree 
diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be 
consumed in cutting the trees? 

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of 
R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
 
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with 
a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 
16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough-sawn pine. When the porch 
ollapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an 
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of the 
children place a mobile home on the man's land? 

8. A two-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a 
steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given 
the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people 
will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of 
the mountain?
  For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have 
mufflers and uncracked windshields? 

9. A coal mine operates at an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous 
Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued 
at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels 
will be smoked during the shift?
 
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs 
shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside? 



Redneck Sex Test.

1. A menstrual cycle has three  wheels.
     True or False

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
     True or  False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
     True or False

4. Vagina  is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
     True or False

5. The clitoris is a type of flower.
     True or False

6. A  G-string is part of a fiddle.
     True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
     True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
     True or  False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
     True or False

10. A  pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
     True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Houston.
     True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large  fish.
     True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
     True or  False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
     True or False

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
     True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
     True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
     True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
     True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
     True  or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
     True or  False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
     True or  False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
     True or  False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
     True or  False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
     True or  False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve."
     True or  False



Signs You're At A Redneck Wedding
 
Rehearsal Dinner Held At Hooters

Instead Of "Friends Of The Bride Or Friends Of The Groom?" 
Ushers Ask "Ford Or Chevy?"

Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Bridegrooms: Travis Tritt T-Shirts

Phrase "I Do" Replaced By "I Heard That"

Tender Rendition Of "The Wedding Song" Performed 
By Pinkard & Bowden

When Minister Asks Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...
Some Guy In The Back Stands Up And Hollers "Earnhardt!"

Reception Conversation Includes The Phrase "So What Have You 
Been Doing Since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"

Snack Trays At Reception: Vienna Sausages And Nacho Cheese Doritos

Plans For The Honeymoon Evening Include Tickets To The 
Monster Truck Show

Sign In Front Of The Church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!




Redneck Fields Forever*
(sung to the tune of Strawberry Fields Forever)

Let me take you down to where cousins wed,
down to the sticks,
home of the hicks,
where brains are small,
and skulls are thick.

Redneck Fields Forever.

Living is easy with no teeth,
chewin' some redman on the porch.
The women all fix their hair,
just like the Hee-Haw girls.
The men all look like Larry Storch. 
(he's good looking I'm telling ya)

Let me take you down to the toxic waste,
and chemical plants.
Where men wear the pants,
and sheep all do the humpty dance.

Redneck Fields Forever.

No cells I thunk are in my brain,
my neck is red,
my I.Q.'s low.(I scored a 32)
I got a gun rack in my truck,
and over my bed.
But I don't know where the bullets go.

Let me take you down to Appalachia west,
we'll whittle on the stoop,(look an ashtray)
and watch our foreheads droop,
and eat some cream of tobacco soup.

Redneck Fields Forever.
Thinkin's my greatest endeavor.
Redneck Fields Forever.
Redneck Fields Forever.



The Official Redneck Test

  There is now a definitive test to determine if someone is a 
redneck or a wanna-be. If you know the answers to most of these
questions...then you're probably a redneck...

 1. How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
 2. What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
 3. Bill Dance is good at what?
 4. What university does Bill Dance root for?
 5. Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
 6. After boiling peanuts for an hour, you have what?
 7. In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 
    1966 GM small-block V8?
 8. A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
 9. What is a chigger?
10. What is scrapple?
11. Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
12. What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13. What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,
14. What's the common name for a bowfin?
15. If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
16. Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
17. What are grits made out of?
18. Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?
19. Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
20. What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
21. Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
22. What are the radio station call letters that carries "The
    Grand Ol' Opry"?
23. Where would you find Vidalia County?
24. What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
25. What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
26. How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
27. When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
28. What is a scuppernong?
29. Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
30. Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
31. What color is a John Deere?
32. What do you call the offspring of a mule?
33. What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?

Score 3 points per correct answer. You're given 1 point to start.
Answers follow below, so don't peek

        Answers:
 1. 7
 2. 43, red and blue
 3. Fishin'
 4. University of Tennessee
 5. University of Georgia
 6. Hard peanuts
 7. 283
 8. French
 9. A red bug (small parasite)
10. A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11. Panama City, FL
12. Spanish moss
13. Evinrude
14. Mudfish
15. Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16. Hank Williams
17. Corn
18. Paul Bryant
19. Because of pollen
20. "The Recipe"
21. Helen
22. WSM
23. Georgia
24. Calf Roping
25. Mandolin
26. 5
27. The same thing
28. A wild grape
29. Yes
30. Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks
    live high on the hog.
31. Green
32. Another trick animal husbandry question. Mules are generally
    sterile.
33. Tobacco




If Microsoft Was Based Out of Georgia

* Their #1 product would be Microsoft 'Winders'.
* Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
* Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a 
  Hefty bag
* Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
* Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
* The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
* Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized 
  drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
* Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
  Achy-Breaky Heart
* PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
* Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and 
  "Vishul C++"
* Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
* Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
* New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
* Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
* Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
* Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
* Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
* Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...
* Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars 
  in your front yard
* Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
* Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
* Instead of computer golf, the game of choice would be:
  A. Interactive WWF Rasslin' (That's wrestling for you
     culturally deprived types)
  b. Beer bottle toss at roadsigns
  c. Mud Boggin'
  d. 'Bacca spittin' at insects
* Instead of MS `virus scan` it would be MS `Cooties (Lice) Rinse`
* Not `config.sys` and 'autoexec.bat"-- but `conjugate w/sis` and
  autoparts.bunch`
* Instead of error tones misstruck keys would be met with sound of
  `Aww Sheeit`
* Solitare would offer choice of `number of players`
* Icon for mail trashcan shaped like a Dipsey Dumpster.
* All shapes in Tetris would be same-sized squares.
* Favorite adult www homepage would involve pictures of `sexy` 
  farm animals.



  In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" 
that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating 
it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men 
were wearing firemen's helmets.  
  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, 
I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the 
lady behind the counter about the helmets.
  She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees 
never do read the Bible!"  
  I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall 
anything about firemen in the Bible.  
  She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled 
thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here,
 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
      

In most state lotteries, you have to guess the correct numbers. 
But in the Redneck lottery you just have to know 8 of them.


What's the state flower of West Virginia?
The satellite dish.


Q. Whats the definition of a redneck virgin???
A. an ugly third grader


  The Jackson police were searching for a man they suspected 
of a string of burglaries.  They had six photographs of the 
man, all taken in different locations and from different angles.  
They sent fax copies of these pictures to police departments all 
over the country. 
  Several days later, Jackson received a fax report from the
police chief in a small town in Nebraska.  The memo read, "We
immediately went to work on those six pictures you sent.  We've 
arrested five of the suspects, and we have the sixth under 
observation right now."


How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.


What do rednecks call a dead possum int the 
middle of the highway?
'Road Pizza'


What's the motto of the State of Arkansas?
Attention: K-Mart Shoppers!


What's a red neck's idea of foreplay?
Come on, bitch, hop in the truck.


What is the sound of a redneck husband's foreplay?
"Honey, I'm home!"


 Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?
If it had been  invented anyplace else, it would have 
been called a teethbrush.


Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull and a redneck?
A: An all-white neighborhood.


Why are Kentucky women so unpopular?
They eat crackers in bed.


If a man and a woman in Kentucky get a divorce, are they still 
considered brother and sister?


  A Kentucky man Took his newlywed bride back to her family.  
  When asked why he said, "She's a virgin.  And I figure if 
she ain't good enough for kin folk, she ain't good enough for me."


  What did the doctor tell the guy with just 6 months to live?
"Marry an ugly girl and move to Kentucky.  It'll be the longest 
6 months in your entire life."


What's special about Kentucky hospitals?
The maternity ward has a bridal suite.


What's the first thing they do after the groom says, "With this 
ring I thee wed.", in a Kentucky wedding?
Remove the handcuffs from the groom.


What did the sign on the Kentucky theater say?
"Children under 13 not admitted unless accompanied by 
their Husband."


How long do Kentuckian's cook their meat?
Until the tire marks disappear.


How can you spot a rich guy in Kentucky?
He's got 5 junk cars in his yard.


How did the Kentuckian know his wife/cousin was unfaithful?
She gave birth to a kid with a normal shaped head.


What do a hurricane, tornado and a Redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.


Things are a little slower in the South.
The other day I passed by a "70 Minute Photo Developing."




             ROAD KILL CAFE

        You Kill It, We Grill It.

   Featuring some of Nebraska's Finest

Eating food is more fun, when you know it was 
             hit on the run.
                  *****

ENTREES
Centerline Bovine......4.95
tastes real good, straight from the hood

The Chicken............3.95
that didn't make it across the road

Flat Cat...............2.95
served as a single, or on a stack


A TASTE OF THE WILD SIDE
(still in the hide)

Chunk of Skunk.........1.95
Smidgen of Pigeon......1.95
Road Toad Ala Mode.....1.65
Shake N Bake Snake.....2.25
Swirl of Squirrel......1.55
Whipporwill on a Grill.3.30
Narrow Sparrow...........55
Rigor Mortis Tortise...6.75

BAG 'N GAG

Our daily take out lunch special, anything dead on bread.


CANINE CUISINE
You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog.

Slab of Lab............2.95
Pit Bull Pot Pie.......1.95
Cocker Cutlets.........3.95
Shar Pei Filet.........5.95
Poodles 'N Noodles.....5.95
Snippet of Whippet.....4.50
Collie hit by a Trolly.3.95
German Shepherd Pie....3.95
Round of Hound.........4.25

GUESS THAT MESS
A daily special treat, if you can guess what it is, 
you eat it for free.

LATE NIGHT DELIGHT

Rack of Racoon.........3.95
Smear of Dear..........4.95
Awesome Possum.........1.95
Cheap Sheep..............43


Served fresh each night after dark.



REDNECK ETIQUETTE

PERSONAL HYGIENE

 Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a 
hand-me-down item.

  While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job 
that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

  Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several 
days.  However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of 
good money.

  Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, 
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter 
the tastes of finger foods.

  Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. 
A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can 
accomplish the same goal and save hours.  It's a good 
idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.


DINING OUT

  When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup 
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

  If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with 
your fingers covering the label.

  Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After 
all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

  A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared 
by a taxidermist.

  Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good 
his manners are.

  Be considerate of your guests.  Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

  If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency 
to leave them alone for a few minutes.


DATING (Outside the Family)

  Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 
first date.

  No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers 
that were stolen from a cemetery.

  Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been 
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's 
bathroom wall two years ago."

  Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  
Some will say 10:00.  Others might say "Monday."  If the latter 
is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to 
school on time.

  If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, 
water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will 
end in frustration.

  Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.  It's bad 
for your reputation.

  Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.


THEATER ETIQUETTE

  Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up 
immediately after the movie has ended.

  Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests 
have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS

  Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

  Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?  Not if you are 
the groom.

  When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how 
hot it is.

  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

  A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost
effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.

 For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a 
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty 
appearance.  Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and 
shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

  Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the 
gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

  When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the 
largest tires always has the right of way.

  Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is 
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

  Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially 
when driving.

  Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your 
kids can fit in.

  Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

  Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press 
charges.

  Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

  Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone 
else's car.

  It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

  Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's 
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

  The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, 
especially if other people are around.

  If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

  Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

  Don't make company sleep on dirty sheets.  Give them directions to 
the laundromat.

  Teach your children proper telephone etiquette.  Nothing is more 
embarrassing than hearing Junior say, "We ain't seen Daddy in eight 
days, and Mama's too drunk to come to the phone."

At a baby shower, never ask, "Do you have any idea who the father is?"

One should tip a valet extra if he has to push or jump-start your car.

When leaving town for the weekend, parents should not board their 
kids at the local kennel.

 At a funeral, when viewing the body, never say, "He looks so natural,
like he just got drunk and passed out."




How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw. 


What greeting card is unique to Kentucky?
"Happy birthday, Uncle Dad."



Dear Son,
   I am writing this slow because I know you can't 
read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left.  
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 
within twenty miles of home, so we moved.  I won't be 
able to send you the address because the last family 
that lived here took the house numbers with them so 
they would not have to change their address.
  This place has a washing machine.  The first day I 
put four shirts in it, pulled down the handle and 
haven't seen them since.
  It only rained twice this week, three days the first 
time and four days the second time.
   The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue 
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail 
with all those heavy buttons so we cut them off and put 
them in the pockets.
  We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't 
make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she 
comes.
  About your father, he has a lovely new job.  He has 
over five-hundred men under him.  He is cutting grass 
at the cemetery.
  About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't 
found out whether its a boy or a girl, so I don't know if 
you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
  Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick up.  
One was driving, the other two was in the back. The driver 
got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The 
other two drowned.  They couldn't get the tailgate down.
  Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.  Some men tried 
to pull him out, but he fought them off, then he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
  Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.  
Write more often.

                 Love, MOM

P.S.  I was going to send you some money, but the envelope 
was already sealed.



How do rednecks tell if a girl is old enough to have sex?
Make her stand in a barrel.  If her chin is over the top, 
she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.


  A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops 
to entertainin a bar in Arkansas.  He's going through his 
usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the 
audience stands up and says, "I've  heard just about enough 
of your smartass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here 
in Arkansas."
  Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the 
big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking 
to the smartass little fella on your knee!"




REDNECK ODE TO HIS VALENTINE
      
Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
     
You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.
  
You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
 
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me
Back in '74.
 
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.
      
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.
      
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.
      
Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft' tread.
      
Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.
      
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
      
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
      
And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.
      
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
      
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
      
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
      
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
      
But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.
      
I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new ridin' mower.





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