Baptist Jokes

Baptist Jokes



There are three truths in life:
Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
 of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.



Why do Baptists object so strongly to pre-marital sex?
They're afraid it might lead to drinking and dancing.



  Two hundred Southern Baptists were stranded on Treasure Island in
Disneyland Sunday night. They refused to take the ferry.



  Now the Southern Baptists are boycotting `The Flintstones'. They 
absolutely refuse to have a gay ol' time.



How many of Baptists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
FORNICATION!  It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.



  A Fundamentalist Baptist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, 
finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice,
when they were alone in the Church.
  "Where should we do it, Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
  "Right here on the floor!" he panted.
  "It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"
  "Good Lord, girl!  Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted.
"If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing!"



  A man finds a handsome, but unusually inexpensive horse.  The seller
tells him, "He's cheap because a Baptist minister trained him, and he
don't respond to normal commands.  Say 'Jesus Christ' and he goes,
yell 'Sin!' and he stops."
  The man replies, "At that price, I'll take him anyway."
  Soon after, the man is riding the horse when it's suddenly spooked 
by a snake.  It dashes in a panic toward the edge of a steep cliff. 
The man yells, "Stop! Stop!"
  The horse races on.
  Then, at the last moment, the man remembers. "Sin!" he shouts.
The horse skids to a stop at the cliff's edge.  Still shaking from
fright, the man looks at the 1000 foot drop, says, "Jesus Christ!"



  I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing
on the edge, about to jump off.  So I ran over and said "Stop! 
don't do it!"
  "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
  He said, "Like what?"
  I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
  He said, "Religious."
  I said, "Me too!  Are you christian or buddhist?"
  He said,"Christian."
  I said, "Me too!  Are you catholic or protestant?"
  He said, "Protestant."
  I said, "Me too!  Are you episcopalian or baptist?"
  He said, "Baptist!"
  I said,"Wow!  Me too!  Are you baptist church of god or
baptist church of the lord?"
  He said, "Baptist church of god!"
  I said, "Me too!  Are you original baptist church of god, 
or are you reformed baptist church of god?"
  He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!"
  I said, "Me too!  Are you reformed baptist church of god,
reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god,
reformation of 1915?"
  He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
  I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.




  A man went to heaven and was being shown around by St. Peter. 
As they went from cloud to cloud they came to various doors which 
St. Peter would open. One showed a large group rolling on the floor
and talking in tongues.  "Our Pentecostals" he said..
  Next was a serious ritual. "Our Jewish persuasion" he replied.
 Then another ritualistic service. "Our Catholics".
 At the next cloud, he didn't open the door but instead put his 
forefinger to his lips in the hush motion and they both tip toed 
past.. Once past, the man asked what that was all about !?
  "Those are the Baptists", he explained. "They think they are the
only one's here".



  In  order to get all their members deeply engaged in reaching out
for new members the Southern Baptists have set up a new incentive 
program. Bring in one convert and you don't have to pay any dues 
forfive years. Bring in two converts and you are allowed to quit.
Bring in three converts and you get a special diploma proving by 
clear biblical argument that you were never a member. This is the 
only way you can get such a diploma.



  A Baptist and a Methodist were riding out together, just prior to a 
storm.  The Baptist suggested they should drive faster.
  The latter replied, "Why, brother, are you afraid of water?"  
  "Oh, no," said the Baptist, "I am not afraid of the water, it's the
sprinkling I wish to avoid."



  The pastor of a poor Baptist church passed away and the congregation 
went into town to take up a collection for the funeral.
  "Would you give $5 to bury the Baptist preacher?"
  "Here's $10," said the atheist, "bury two of them."



  A woman called on the Baptist minister and asked him if he would preach 
a funeral for her dog who had just died.
  "I can't do that, ma'am," he said. "Why don't you try the Presbytarian
minister?"
  "All right," she said, "but can you give me some advice.  How much 
should I pay him - three hundred dollars or four hundred dollars?"
  "Hold on," he said, "I didn't know your dog was Baptist!"



  A man walks into the woman's section of a department store 
and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
  "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
  "Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?"
  "There are three types," replies the clerk, "The Catholic 
type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.  Which 
one do you need?"
  Still confused the man asked,  "What is the difference in 
them?"
  The clerk responds, "It is really very easy.  The Catholic 
type supports the masses,  the Salvation Army type lifts up 
the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole 
hills."




The Top Effects of the Southern Baptists' Boycott of Disney:

Children in deep south begin mass conversion to Judaism.

Athletes now heard saying, "I'm going to Disneyland, and then to HELL!"

Disneyland courts atheists with new slogan: "The closest place to
heaven YOU'LL ever see!"

Hellfire and Animation!

Reduced pressure to put pants on Donald Duck.

Neighborhood "working girls" can no longer count on generous tips
from visiting televangelists.

Crowds at DollyWood soar into the dozens.

Baptists now must visit Disney World in the same disguise they wear 
to the liquor store.

Chip & Dale land on the cover of "Out" Magazine.

Absolutely Nothing!!




Christian Bondage and Domination Store

In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should
"submit to their husbands," we have acquired an inventory of 
beginning B&D supplies for the Baptist couple eager to explore the 
righteous ways of wife domination:

Starter kit: leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The 
masks are clearly emblazoned with Christian Fish symbols on the 
forehead area.
  Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity: Three brass nipple clamps held
together with golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the 
masterful husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit" 
clamp.

Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants: This "cheekless" design allows full
access to spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent,
kneeling position.

Wrath of God: a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion 
chalice handle for putting the fear of God into wives who have 
strayed (e.g. thinking for themselves or having an opinion with no 
regard for the damage this causes the family).
  
The Rack of St. Stephen: Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined 
wrist and ankle restraints.  Can be spun upside down for the 
St. Paul variant.

The Archangel: Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and 
length to make any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg 
forgiveness.

The Judas Wand: A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes 
then shuts down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than 
ever on her Master.

Riding Crop of the Pharacies: Teach your wife the ways of the Lord 
with this sturdy handcrafted riding crop.

Anointment: a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and 
frankincense. Perfect for easing the pain of heavily welted skin 
or allowing the Master easier penetration when teaching a lesson 
regarding the ways of Sodom.




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