There are three truths in life: Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store. Why do Baptists object so strongly to pre-marital sex? They're afraid it might lead to drinking and dancing. Two hundred Southern Baptists were stranded on Treasure Island in Disneyland Sunday night. They refused to take the ferry. Now the Southern Baptists are boycotting `The Flintstones'. They absolutely refuse to have a gay ol' time. How many of Baptists does it take to screw in a light bulb? FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs. A Fundamentalist Baptist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the Church. "Where should we do it, Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied. "Right here on the floor!" he panted. "It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?" "Good Lord, girl! Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing!" A man finds a handsome, but unusually inexpensive horse. The seller tells him, "He's cheap because a Baptist minister trained him, and he don't respond to normal commands. Say 'Jesus Christ' and he goes, yell 'Sin!' and he stops." The man replies, "At that price, I'll take him anyway." Soon after, the man is riding the horse when it's suddenly spooked by a snake. It dashes in a panic toward the edge of a steep cliff. The man yells, "Stop! Stop!" The horse races on. Then, at the last moment, the man remembers. "Sin!" he shouts. The horse skids to a stop at the cliff's edge. Still shaking from fright, the man looks at the 1000 foot drop, says, "Jesus Christ!" I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said,"Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. A man went to heaven and was being shown around by St. Peter. As they went from cloud to cloud they came to various doors which St. Peter would open. One showed a large group rolling on the floor and talking in tongues. "Our Pentecostals" he said.. Next was a serious ritual. "Our Jewish persuasion" he replied. Then another ritualistic service. "Our Catholics". At the next cloud, he didn't open the door but instead put his forefinger to his lips in the hush motion and they both tip toed past.. Once past, the man asked what that was all about !? "Those are the Baptists", he explained. "They think they are the only one's here". In order to get all their members deeply engaged in reaching out for new members the Southern Baptists have set up a new incentive program. Bring in one convert and you don't have to pay any dues forfive years. Bring in two converts and you are allowed to quit. Bring in three converts and you get a special diploma proving by clear biblical argument that you were never a member. This is the only way you can get such a diploma. A Baptist and a Methodist were riding out together, just prior to a storm. The Baptist suggested they should drive faster. The latter replied, "Why, brother, are you afraid of water?" "Oh, no," said the Baptist, "I am not afraid of the water, it's the sprinkling I wish to avoid." The pastor of a poor Baptist church passed away and the congregation went into town to take up a collection for the funeral. "Would you give $5 to bury the Baptist preacher?" "Here's $10," said the atheist, "bury two of them." A woman called on the Baptist minister and asked him if he would preach a funeral for her dog who had just died. "I can't do that, ma'am," he said. "Why don't you try the Presbytarian minister?" "All right," she said, "but can you give me some advice. How much should I pay him - three hundred dollars or four hundred dollars?" "Hold on," he said, "I didn't know your dog was Baptist!" A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?" "There are three types," replies the clerk, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole hills." The Top Effects of the Southern Baptists' Boycott of Disney: Children in deep south begin mass conversion to Judaism. Athletes now heard saying, "I'm going to Disneyland, and then to HELL!" Disneyland courts atheists with new slogan: "The closest place to heaven YOU'LL ever see!" Hellfire and Animation! Reduced pressure to put pants on Donald Duck. Neighborhood "working girls" can no longer count on generous tips from visiting televangelists. Crowds at DollyWood soar into the dozens. Baptists now must visit Disney World in the same disguise they wear to the liquor store. Chip & Dale land on the cover of "Out" Magazine. Absolutely Nothing!! Christian Bondage and Domination Store In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should "submit to their husbands," we have acquired an inventory of beginning B&D supplies for the Baptist couple eager to explore the righteous ways of wife domination: Starter kit: leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The masks are clearly emblazoned with Christian Fish symbols on the forehead area. Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity: Three brass nipple clamps held together with golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the masterful husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit" clamp. Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants: This "cheekless" design allows full access to spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent, kneeling position. Wrath of God: a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion chalice handle for putting the fear of God into wives who have strayed (e.g. thinking for themselves or having an opinion with no regard for the damage this causes the family). The Rack of St. Stephen: Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined wrist and ankle restraints. Can be spun upside down for the St. Paul variant. The Archangel: Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and length to make any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg forgiveness. The Judas Wand: A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes then shuts down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than ever on her Master. Riding Crop of the Pharacies: Teach your wife the ways of the Lord with this sturdy handcrafted riding crop. Anointment: a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and frankincense. Perfect for easing the pain of heavily welted skin or allowing the Master easier penetration when teaching a lesson regarding the ways of Sodom. |
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