Noah's Ark Jokes

Noah's Ark Jokes


 
  After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt Ararat, the survivors 
went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law 
sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides.  Every now and then, 
the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a 
notation on a tablet.
  The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the 
son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes".



  One day, God speaks to Noah. "Noah", he says, "I want you to build 
another Ark."
  "What, like the last one?" asks Noah.
  "Yes," replies God, "Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks."
  "And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last 
time?' asks Noah.
  "No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it".
  Noah is a little puzzled. "Just fish?" he asks.
  "Yes," says God. "In fact, just carp."
  "Just carp? Why carp?" Noah quizzes.
  "Well," says God, "I've always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark!"



What kind of lighting did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights.



  A Sunday School teacher, having trouble finding subjects to talk 
about, was discussing with her class how Noah might have spent his 
time on the Ark.
  A girl volunteered, "Maybe he went fishing."
  A boy countered, "With only two worms????"



How do we know they didn't play cards in the ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck.

 

  When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the
animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will 
be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand 
it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After
we see land, you can get your penis back."
  After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was
very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the
window to see if there is any land out there!"
  Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said,
"Sorry, no land yet."
  "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
  This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs.
Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for
forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able
to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"
  "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece
of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"



IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES, TODAY......

  And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going 
to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all 
flesh is destroyed.
  But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every 
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding 
you to build an Ark." 
  In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for 
an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to 
build the Ark.
  "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring 
everything aboard in one year.
  Exactly one year later, fierce storm cloud covered the earth 
and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw 
Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
  "Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
  "Lord, please forgive me! Cried Noah. "I did my best, but there 
were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction 
and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an 
engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight 
with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler 
system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected, 
claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark 
in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city 
planning commission.
  I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there 
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally 
convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save 
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me 
catch any owls. So, no owls.
  The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to 
negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board 
before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have
16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
  When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an 
animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each 
kind aboard.  Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified
me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very 
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct 
of the Creator of the universe.
  Then the Army Corp. of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed
new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
  Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practising
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
  The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark 
in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just 
got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax 
and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
  Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really  don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.
  The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began
to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
  "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
  "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."



What I have learned from Noah
 
Don't miss the boat.

Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

Plan ahead.  It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Stay fit.  When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.

Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

Build your future on high ground.

For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isn't always an advantage; the snails were on board with 
the cheetahs.

When you're stressed, float awhile.

Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built
by professionals.

Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the 
storm outside.

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

Stay below deck during the storm.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the
other side.

 


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