Nun Jokes

Nun Jokes



  Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that 
developed a new drug which, when administered to women, 
compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it, though. 
Seems it was habit-forming.



What's black white black white black etc...?
A nun rolling down a hill. 
 
What's black white and laughing?
The priest who pushed her.



Did you hear about Mother Superior dropping dead of a heart attack 
 the other morning?
She went to the bathroom, and found the seat up.



Hear about the nun who wiped her nose on her sleeve, and refused 
 to bathe?
She sure has some filthy habits.



What's black and white and red all over?
A nun with multiple stab wounds.



How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.



What's black and white and red all over and has trouble getting
 through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her.



The young nun innocently asks Mother Superior "What's a blow job?"  
"Twenty bucks, same as in town."



Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business 
 next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any 
 dirty habits.



Attila the Nun: a simple girl pledged to a life of brutality.



A transsexual nun is a transistor!



NUN -- A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, ain't 
going to get none and doesn't want anyone else to get any either.



A drunk is staggering down the street when is confronted by a nun.
She comments on his condition, and he beats the shit out of her.
"Not so tough, are you Batman?" 



How do you get a nun pregnant?
You fuck her.



Nuns are married to God ... so if they divorce, they get half
 the universe.



What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!



What is black and white, and red all over?
Two nuns in a chainsaw fight!



What does 7-UP have in common with a nun?
"Never had it, never will." 



What kind of underwear do nuns wear?
No Nonsense pantyhose and cross-your-heart bras.



What would you call a 12 year old girl who decides to become a nun?
Premature Immaculation.



Hear about the new film about Joan of Arc?
It's called, "The Frying Nun."



When Queen Elizabeth gave birth, a twenty-gun salute was fired. 
Sister Mary at the local convent gave birth and they fired 
a dirty old canon.



   "Father Reilly," the mother superior reported, "I think you
should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent."
  "Oh, good," the priest replied. "I was really getting tired 
of the Chablis."



What do you call a nun with a limp?
Hopalong chastity

 

  "Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired
Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing 
her bulging stomach. 
  "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a
little gas."
  A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun 
noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.
  "Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.
  On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor 
when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, 
the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"



  While driving to church, an elderly priest has a flat tire.
A young man passing by offers to change the flat.  His offer
is accepted.
  "There you go, Father...  All set," says the young man as 
he finishes mounting the spare.
  "Are the lug nuts on tight?  I wouldn't want the wheel to
fall off," says the elderly priest.
  "Yes, Father.  They're as tight as a nun," answers the
non-Catholic young man.
  "Well, in that case," says the priest, "you better give 'em
another couple of turns."



  At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and 
several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the 
rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest 
and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."
  The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told 
her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to
church property as "our" not "your."
  Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to 
be trimmed.  She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, 
I've noticed that your...I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."
  The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention 
and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing.
  She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.
  Another few days passed, and the parish received word that the bishop
would be coming for a visit.  The whole parish was in an uproar of
cleaning, etc.
  On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front 
stairs yelling, "Father, Father, I found your watch!!"
  The bishop said, "How wonderful my child."
  After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest 
and said, "Why yes, Father, I found it under OUR bed."



  Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet
watch over a silent convent.  She is the last caretaker of this site 
of significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, 
the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox 
Patriarch of Macedonia.
  However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, 
enjoys excellent health.  By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles 
daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base 
for the army of Attila the Hun.  In more ancient times, a Greek 
temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.
  Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., 
and used it as a base for his marauding army.  The Huns are believed 
to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek 
legal writs at the site.  It is believed that Attila wanted to study 
the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought 
to the temple.  Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents 
destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read 
them, or because they provided evidence of a democratic government 
that did not square with his own notion of "rule by an all-powerful 
tyrant".
  When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th century and 
the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of 
Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost.
  Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun 
base.  When she goes, that will be it.
  Thus, that's how it ends, with No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, 
and Nun on base.



Me at work: "I'm designing something for Gabarone.
Colleague:  "There's a famous convent there..."
Me:         "is there really?"
Colleague:  "You must know it, they made a film about it."
Me:         "No, I can't guess."
Colleague:  "The Nuns of Gabarone?"



  Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with
her hands the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida.
  The second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd
seen in Jamaica.
  The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"



  A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. 
On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning 
sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on 
the wrong side of the bed this morning." 
  This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he 
just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the 
way and he says,"Good morning Brother."
  The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong 
side of the bed this morning."
  The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a little 
farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning
Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the 
wrong side of the bed this morning."
  Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not 
saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."
  The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. 
He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side 
of the bed this morning."
  The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realised 
his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want."
  The Bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you 
why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"



  A highway patrol officer stopped a car that was traveling extra 
slowly on the freeway.
  "Sister, the speed limit on this freeway is 65 MPH," he said to 
the habited nun who was driving.  "You were going 22 miles per hour."
  "I'm sorry, officer, but we thought we saw a lot of signs that had 
'22" on them," replied the nun.
  "Those indicate the highway number," the officer pointed out.  
As he turned away, he noticed three nuns in the back seat who were 
pale and shaking. 
  "Sisters, is anything wrong?"
  "Oh, no thank you officer.  We just got off Highway 127."
 


  The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the 
presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead 
lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's 
complaint department to ask for help.
  "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our 
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.
  "Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. 
Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call 
a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
  Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use 
is '%#$&*%$ shovel'".



  Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the 
Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch 
of pornographic magazines"
  "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
  "Well of course I threw them in the trash".
  The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room 
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"
  "Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
  "I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
  The third nun fainted.


 
  Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have
a real night on the town.  They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and 
decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the 
convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns
start crawling under the wire on their bellies.
  As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the 
second and says, "I feel like a marine."
  The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this
time of night?"



  The clerk in a deli was surprised to see a nun enter and order 
a sixpack of beer.
  "Oh," explained the nun, smiling, "it's for Mother Superior for
shampooing her hair."
  "In that case," said the clerk, "here are some pretzels she can
use for curlers."



  Two nuns got raped in an alley. One nun turns to the other and says,
"What'll we tell Mother Superior?" 
  To which the other replies, "We have to tell her the truth, we got 
raped twice"
  "Twice?"
  "We're going back aren't we?"

 
   
  Now, everyone knows about Famous nuns, like Mother Theresa, 
but does anyone here know the name of the famous nun who wouldn't 
tolerate sarcasm from anyone?
  She was the proverbial Nun of your Lip.



  A visibly shaken man staggers into a bar. He asks the bartender 
for a double Jack Daniel's. After downing the first drink, he 
proceeds to down two more doubles. 
  The bartender becomes concerned and asks the man what is the 
problem. The man mumbles that it's not important, that no one can 
help him anyway. The man then orders a fourth drink, and again the
bartender asks if there is anything he can do. 
  This time the mans says, "Yeah, there is something you can do.
Answer me a question. How big is a penguin?" 
  The bartender holds his hand about three feet off the ground and
says, "About this high. Why?" 
  "Damn, I think I just ran over a nun."



  Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
  "Father!" she cried, "Just WAIT until you hear this!"
  The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm 
down and tell me what has you so excited?"
  "Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to 
the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
  "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
  "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, 
"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to 
see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
  "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, 
  "What did you do?"
  "Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
  "How much did you win?"



  The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an 
anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each 
nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. 
 Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister
Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor 
person she saw. 
  As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man
leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and 
he indeed looked poor. She immediately left the convent and 
walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. 
The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her
offering. 
  She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed,
my good man." 
  As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"
  Shyly, she replied shyly, "Sister Catherine Ann."
  The following evening, the man returned to the convent and 
rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said. 
  The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb 
her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"
  "Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell
her Godspeed came in second at the track."



  The young novice was assigned her first job at the convent; 
to sweep the steps of the church and keep the entrance clean. 
But she was having a terrible time with the pigeons. They were
flapping, cooing, and shitting all over the steps she had just
cleaned.
  She would wave her arms and say: "Fuck off. Fuck off."
  It annoyed the priest who asked Mother Superior to have a 
discreet word with the novice.
  "Your language is unseemly and entirely unnecessary," Mother 
Superior told her. "All you have to do is say shoo-shoo, and 
swipe them with the broom and you will find they will soon 
fuck off by themselves."



  A nun and a priest were travelling through the North African 
desert to establish an outpost of civilized religion among the 
heathen. After some five days of travel without passing water 
they began to dehydrate. Even the camel they were riding began 
to falter. Finally the camel died and they ran out of water and 
they were faced with death.
  They talked about their end in a far off lonely place. They 
had no way of getting back to civilization without the camel. 
As they began to talk of impending death the priest said, "Sister, 
I have never in my life seen the naked body of a woman. Would you 
let me see yours?" The nun agreed and thereupon stripped.
  The priest looked at her body with curiosity.
  The nun said, "Father, I too have been curious about the human 
body and I have never seen the nude body of the opposite sex. May 
I see yours?"
  The priest said, "If that is your last wish I will gladly accede."
  He stripped and the nun looked at his body and stared at his tool. 
The priest noticed her staring at it and took it in his hand and said,
"This is the part of a man that gives life."
  The nun replied, "Then why the hell don't you use it on the camel?!"



  Mother Superior at the grocery, "I would like to have 120 bananas 
for the convent."
  Salesman, "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic 
to buy 144 of them."
  Mother Superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."



  A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, 
led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.
  "Who is this?" asks the padre.
  "Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadeloupe"
  "And this portrait?"
  "That is the beautiful Virgin of Assisi"
  "Who is this third one?"
  "That is the Virgin of It"
  "And the final portrait, what virgin is she?"
  "Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."



  A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. 
As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors 
 register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed 
by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the 
visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to 
sign the book.
  However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, 
"Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"



  The Mother Superior was not heartless and knew her younger nuns 
and said, 'I have no objection to you getting a little bit from 
the monks across the way, but don't get into the habit' ...



  Two nuns were on a remote beach and decided to go behind a sand 
dune and sunbathe in the nude. They were lying there for a while 
when a photographer came by and pointed a camera at them.
  The first nun asked him, "Aren't you going to focus?" 
  The second nun said, "Quiet sister, let him take his picture first."



  "Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?"
He pointed to a nun who was passing.
  "A Sister of Charity," was the answer.
  "Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"

 

  This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New York
City. He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC. So he
goes to Grand Central Station and with his remaining money, buys a one
way ticket. As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack.
  Three days later, he wakes up. He sees a nun standing at the end of 
the bed. She tells him that he was brought to a catholic hospital, where
they operated on him and saved his life. She says that the hospital took
the liberty of going through his belongings and, frankly, they were a
bit worried as to whether he would be able to pay for the operation. He
admits that this might be a problem. He explains how he is unemployed
and had just spent his last few dollars on a train ticket.
  The nun asks, do you have any well-to-do relatives that might be 
able to pay your hospital bills for you? He replies that his only living
relative is his sister, an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia. The
nun becomes furious. Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids,
they are married to GOD.
  Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law.



  It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister
Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way
the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed
not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he
told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister
Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the
young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." 
  "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. 
  "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs
where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." 
  "Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And
Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of
Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and
eternal peace. "And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my
lock." 
  "Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt
terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful
and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it
did, it felt so good being saved." 
  "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!" 

 

  Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. 
There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and 
Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.
  The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him 
back. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.
"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!" 
  "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right 
away."
  Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning 
he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver 
and heard, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"



  A young nun walking back to the convent for evening mass. It is 
quite late and to save time she decides to take a short cut through 
a bad part of town.
  As she is hurrying down an alley a man jumps out, grabs her and 
drags her into his hovel. He then proceeds to take sexual advantage 
of her.
  After he finishes he asks her what she is going to tell Mother 
Superior?
  "Well", she said, "I have to tell the truth. I was hurrying back 
to mass when a man dragged me into his house and raped me twice."
  "Twice!", cried the man, "What do you mean. You said you would tell 
the truth!"
  "Well, if you're not too tired!"
 


  This nun was in the shower when the doorbell rang.  Getting out of 
the shower in a hurry to answer the door she couldn't find her towel.
Not to worry she thinks, I just won't open the door.
  "Who is it she asks?"
  "It's the blind man", he answers. 
  Oh well figures the nun, if he is blind I might as well open the 
door, which she does.
  "Nice tits lady, on which window do the blinds go?"



  A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when 
their car breaks down.  They are unable to get repairs completed and 
it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have 
a minor problem.
  PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under 
the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.  
I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
  SISTER: I think that would be okay.
 They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
  SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
  PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
  SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
  PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
  SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.  I don't think the Lord 
would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
  PRIEST: You're probably right...Get up and get your own damn blanket!



  Early one morning in rural Ireland two leprechauns knocked on the 
door of a convent and asked for the Mother Superior.
  The Mother Superior comes out and the older of the two leprechauns 
asks, "Mother Superior, are there any wee little leprechan nuns in 
this convent?"
  Rather startled and bemused the Mother Superior says, "No, there 
aren't any wee little leprechaun nuns in this convent."
  "Well then," asks the older leprechaun, "are there any wee little 
leprechaun nuns at any convent in this county?"
  Even more confused than bemused the Mother Superior says. "No, there
aren't any wee little leprechaun nuns in any convent in this county."
  "Well let me ask you one more question then," says the older 
leprechaun, "Do you know of any wee little leprechaun nuns at any 
convent in any county in all of Ireland?"
  Now confused and a little bewildered Mother Superior says.  "No, I 
know of no wee little leprechaun nuns at any convent in any county in 
all of Ireland."
  The younger of the two leprechauns is now looking very downcast, 
staring at his shoes.  Then the older leprechaun puts his hands on 
his hips and turns to the younger one and says, "There you go Sean, 
you heard her, I told you you were fucking a penguin!"



  There were three nuns sitting on a park bench . A man walks up and 
flashes them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, 
the third nun couldn't reach!



  Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies.  They ran out of 
gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where 
they asked to purchase a can of gasoline.
  "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to 
carry it in is an old chamber pot."
  The nuns agreed that this would be fine.  They returned to the car.  
As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, 
stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."



  Three nuns die in a car crash and are incinerated. They arrive at 
the pearly gates to be told by St Peter that they are a week early 
and can't enter heaven for another week. The nuns are a bit peeved 
about this as they have lead virtuous lives, so St Peter offers to 
make it up to them by sending them back to earth for a week as anyone 
they like since they can't go back to their own bodies. So they can 
have another week on earth without there actions being recorded in 
the great ledger against them. The nuns talk it over for a little 
while then agree. The first nun asks to be sent back as Marilyn 
Monroe, St Peter smiles and sends her off. The second asks to be 
sent back as Briggete Bardow, St Peter winks and sends her off.
  The last, a small Italian nun looks up to St. Peter and asks to 
be sent back as Sarah Pipiliny. St. P has a look in the great ledger 
but can't find any Sarah Pipiliny, he says to the last nun if Sarah 
Pipiliny has never existed then she can't go back to earth.
 The little nun insists and offers to prove it to St. Peter, she 
pulls out a very old battered copy of the Times, unfolds it and 
gives it to St. Peter who reads:
SAHARA PIPE LINE LAID BY 100 MEN IN ONE WEEK!



  Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area.  One day the mother 
superior called in the teenagers who were about to leave.
  "You're going into a sinful world," she said.  "I must warn you that 
men will take advantage of you. They'll buy you drinks and dinner, take 
you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you.  
Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."
  Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men will 
take advantage of us and give us money?"
  "Yes child. Why do you ask?"
  "Because the priests only give us candy."



  There once was a 94 year old nun whose wornout body began to 
surrender.  Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three 
times a day, to relax her tenseness.  However, not to be lured into 
worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.  But her mother superior
knew the elderly sister loved milk.  So she instructed the kitchen 
to spike the milk three times a day.
  Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour.  As 
the several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior
asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom...
 "Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"



  One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"  
  The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."
  The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish, a Gauddam Fish."  
  The sister said, "Oh, ok."  She took the fish back home and said, 
"Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."  
  Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than 
that."
  The nun said, "That's the species of it, a Gauddam Fish."  
  So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and 
I'll clean it."
  While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother 
Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister 
caught."
  Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t 
talk like that!"
  Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it, a Gauddam Fish."
  Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
  That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he 
said, "Wow, what a nice fish."
  In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." 
And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor 
said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish." 
  The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...  
"I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"



  Four sisters in a church went to confess. The first of them 
confessed to the priest that she had touch the sexual parties 
of a man with her right hand. The priest gets red cheeked and 
tells her to wash her right hand in the holy water and to pray 
fifty times.
  Then the second sister came into the confessional and said to 
the father, "I'm sorry father, but I think I made a little mistake 
because I have had a man's genital in my left hand. 
  The priest became angry and told her, "You have to wash your 
left hand in the holy water and then pray at least 100 times 
for Mary.
  Then the fourth sister said to the third, "Please let me go 
before you, because I don't want to wash my mouth in the holy
water after you have washed your ass in it.



  There where 2 novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person 
bycicle. They were riding along when they hit a bump.  As they hit the 
2 novices giggled.  The mother superior just gave them a dirty look.  
They rode a little further and they hit another bump and the novices 
giggled again.  The mother superior gave them another dirty look.  
They rode a bit further until they came to another bump and the two 
novices giggled again and the mother stopped the bike and looked at 
the novices and said, "If you don't stop that I'm going to put the 
seat back on!"



  A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices 
a sign out of the corner of his eye.  It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE 
OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.  He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought.  Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real.  When he drives past a 
third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, 
his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY.  He climbs the
steps and rings the bell.
  The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What 
may we do for you, my son?"
  He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested 
in possibly doing business."
  "Very well, my son.  Please follow me."
  He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this
door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun 
in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
  This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the 
large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
  He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.  
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it 
shut behind him.  As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back 
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
 GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.



Two nuns laying awake one night in their darkened dormitory.
One nun says to the other "Where's the candle?".
The other replies, "Sure does!!"



  The other day I was sitting in the doctor's office when a nun came
running  out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset,
she didn't even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left.
  About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, 
"Doctor, what on earth happened in there?"
  The doctor replied, "Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was 
pregnant."
  "Pregnant? A nun? That's impossible!", said the nurse.
 "I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups." 



  A group of nuns was travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. 
They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they 
don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver 
offered to change it for them.  They gratefully accepted.
  As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he 
yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
  The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We 
understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
  "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again.
  Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers.
  "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.  "Please, don't use such language.
If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if 
you didn't help us."
  "But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
  "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, 
something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".
  So the trucker tried to jack up the car again.  Again it slipped.  
He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet 
Jesus, help me."
  At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.  
The nuns looked at the car in wonder and exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"



  Years ago, two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Sara, were walking 
through the zoo. Just as they are passing the gorilla cage, the giant 
gorilla pounds his chest, pulls apart the bars, grabs Sister Mary and 
pulls her into his cage. He proceeded to strip her of her clothes and 
take full advantage of her. All of this while Sister Sara watched. 
After this was all over and Sister Mary was able to, she quickly got 
dressed and exited the cage. Sister Mary and Sister Sara left without 
ever again mentioning that fateful day.
  Years later, Sister Mary is on her deathbed, Sister Sara can't hold 
her curiosity any longer.
 She asks, "Sister Mary?, that day in the zoo years ago, when the 
gorilla took advantage of you. Did it hurt?"
  "Did it hurt?", replied Sister Mary, "He didn't call, he didn't 
write, he didn't send flowers!"



  Two nuns were riding bicycles down the street in the historic 
district of Paris one day.
  One nun turns to the other one and says "You know, I don't think 
I've ever come this way before."
  The other nun replies "Well, maybe it's the cobblestones."



  One evening two nuns were walking through a park. Suddenly two men 
jumped out of the bushes and started to rape them. One nun started to 
pray." 
  Forgive them father, they know not what they do!" And the other one 
said "Mine does!" 



  There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o'
stout and obviously drunk out of her mind.
  The town constable walked up to her and said, "Sure, now sister 
Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like this?"
  The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir. 
I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation."
  The perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, "And how 
might it be that yer present state could have anything to do with the 
mother superior's constipation?"
  To which sister Colleen said, "Well, officer, when she sees me this 
way, she'll be shittin a brick."



  Two nuns are driving home one dark and stormy night when suddenly, 
WHAM!, A vampire lands right on the hood of their car. His eyes are 
gleaming yellow, and his razor-sharp fangs dripping with blood. The 
nun who is driving screams to the other "SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS!" so the 
other nun leans out the window and yells "GET THE HELL OFF OUR 
WINDSHIELD!"




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