Priest Jokes

Priest Jokes



  A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always 
kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some 
to a guest, who took a big spoonful.
  When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've 
heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first 
one I've met who passed out a sample of it."



  The new bride wanted to make sure she was doing everything
properly. So she went to confession one Saturday and asked
Father McCarthy, "Father, is it all right to have intercourse
before communion?"
  "Certainly, my dear," the priest replied. "As long as we 
don't make too much noise."



What's the best selling dirty magazine among the clergy?
Repenthouse!



  Methodist preacher, discussing morals, tells his Southern Baptist 
preacher friend, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married.
Did you?"
  "I don't know, what was her maiden name?"



How did the priest contract AIDS?
He didn't clean his organ between hymns.



What does a Christmas tree have in common with a priest?
The balls are just for decoration. 



Did you hear the one about the woman who chased the young minister 
all through the church?
She caught him by the organ.

 

What's the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.



  A pastor got this note addressed to him and his wife 
accompanying a box of goodies from an old lady in the 
parish:
 "Dear Pastor:
    Knowing that you do not eat sweets, I am sending 
    candy to your wife...and nuts to you."



  A bishop discovered a tribe of Eskimos in the Yukon who had
never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop
soon rectified the situation by baptising and confirming 
everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.
  Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never 
had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they 
enjoyed the most.
  "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all 
got new wives!" 



  Two priests were going to the French Riviera on vacation and
decided that they would make this a real adventure by not wearing
anything that would identify them as clergy. That would be easy 
because the Riviera is clothing optional. So as soon as the plane 
landed, they headed for a store and bought some really big, 
outrageous, snazzy sunglasses.
  The next morning, the priests went to the beach wearing only
sun block, the sunglasses and a smile.  They were sitting on beach 
chairs enjoying a drink, when a drop dead gorgeous blonde, obviously
natural, came walking straight toward them with her breasts swinging
like church bells.
  They couldn't help but stare and then she smiled and said, "Good 
morning Father, good morning Father," nodding and addressing each 
one of them individually, then passed on by. They were stunned -- 
how in the world did she recognise them as priests?
  The next day they went back to the store to buy huge outrageous
hats to complete the disguise. Again they settled on the beach, in 
their chairs, drinks in hand, to enjoy the sunshine.
  After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing only a sun hat 
this time, came walking toward them again.
  She approached them and greeted them individually, "Good morning, 
Father, good morning Father," and started to walk away.
  One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a 
minute young lady. Yes we are priests and proud of it, but I have to 
know, how in the world did YOU know?!"
  "Oh, Father, don't you recognise me? I'm Sister Angela."

 

  A minister, having served the same church for many years,
decided to leave and take a similar position in another church.
Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a 
letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to 
announce his resignation in church.
  When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus 
that called me to this church many years ago has now called 
upon me to leave and serve another church."
The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."



  Most people will frankly admit that they felt great nervousness 
before making a speech.   A well-known British Bishop once told his
audience, "I feel rather like a swan."
  The audience laughed, but was a bit puzzled.
  The Bishop continued, "I look all calm and serene on the surface, 
but I'm paddling like the dickens underneath."
 


There's been talk of a minister who kept his unpaid bills in a
drawer marked, "Due Unto Others."

 
 
 
  The Jones family invited Minister Chubbs over for Sunday dinner.
As they were about to dig in the minister said, "I'm now going to 
pray over the meal."
  Little Timmy jumped in and said, "Relax, Reverend. Mom's cooking 
isn't all that bad."



  Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. 
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
  "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad 
as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
  "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with 
the BODY?"



  Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first 
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
  The man said, "I do Father."
  The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
  Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to 
heaven?"
  "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
  "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
  Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to 
go to heaven?"
  O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
  The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that 
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
  O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a 
group together to go right now."



  A priest, a rabbi and a Baptist minister went fishing. They rented 
a boat and set out.
  Around lunch, the rabbi says, "I'm hungry. I'm going to get a 
sandwich." He jumps out of the boat, walks on top of the water and 
gets his sandwich. He then returns. The priest is baffled but doesn't 
say anything.
  Later, the Baptist minister says, "I'm thirsty." He jumps out of the
boat and runs across the top of the water. He returns the same way. 
The priest is now very puzzled.
  The priest then says, "We're almost out of bait, I'll go get some."
  He looks up in the sky then jumps out of the boat and sinks.
  The rabbi looks at the minister and says, "Maybe we should've told
him where the rocks were!".



  A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the
minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
  "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention
to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father
is  dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are 
starving.  They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets 
unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
  "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who
you are?"
  The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. 
"I'm the landlord," he sobbed. 

 

  The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one
day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were
studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. 
They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day
students knew the names of all the states. 
  One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were 
only 13."



  One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in 
front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away 
his crutches.
  An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to 
tell the priest what he'd just seen.
  "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me 
where is this man now?"
  "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," the boy informed him.




   A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of 
television. "It steals away precious time that could be better 
spent on other things," he said. He advised the congregation to 
do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the 
closet."
  "That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded
in there."



  A church had to hire a new pastor.  Over the protests of one 
vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the
congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.  The vocal
objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to
go along.
  The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.  When 
they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had 
been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess 
they would just have to go back and get it.
  The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of
the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
  The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired 
that woman. She can't even swim."



  "A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing 
voice, "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for
$750,000."
  There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an 
elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"


 
  The local parish had a fairly new priest.  He had wonderful,
innovative ideas - that were, for the most part accepted by the
congregation.  His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for 
a visit - to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over
- the senior priest said, "Father John - your idea of a drive 
through confessional is wonderful.  That makes it so convenient 
for your church members. And - Father John - it was a really 
good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day - for 
those who work "shift" work. However - Father John - that 
flashing neon sign that says - "TOOT and TELL or GO TO HELL" 
- has GOT TO GO!!!



  A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people 
hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued 
to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went 
to the priest. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said.
"If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit
too. Please do something."
  So the priest went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should 
leave the choir."
  "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
  "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
  That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that 
you can't preach!"



  A preacher and an attorney were talking one day about the mistakes 
they made in their respective professions, and how they dealt with 
them. The lawyer boasted that because he was a lawyer if he made a 
really big mistake he just shuffled a few papers and pulled a few 
legal maneuvers and covered it all up. If it was a small mistake he 
just ignored it and went on with life.
  The attorney turned to the preacher and asked "How do you do it,
pastor?"
  The pastor said, "If it is a really large mistake I just turn to 
the Lord and ask forgiveness."
  The attorney interrupted him and asked, "But what about small 
mistakes, how do you handle them?"
  The preacher replied, "Well, just last Sunday in my sermon I was 
quoting Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 8 where he said, 'You
are your father the devil, he was a LIAR from the beginning.' 
Instead I said, 'You are of your father the devil, he was LAWYER 
from the beginning.'" 
  Upon hearing this the lawyer became indignant and retorted, "Well 
how did you handle it.?"
  The preacher replied, "It was such a small mistake that I just 
ignored it and went on."



  A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle 
when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
  "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. 
  "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike," said the 
little boy.  
  After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you 
take my bike in trade for it?"  
  The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding
the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a 
deal."
  The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it.
  Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower,
the preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to 
start." 
  The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get 
it started."
  The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been
so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
  The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin' on 
that string.  It'll come back to ya'!"



  Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so 
long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married 
and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. 
So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops 
on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las 
Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs 
up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you 
weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"
  Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you
see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
  The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in
his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take
me to my hotel and step on it."
  The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's
Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's
so great to see you!"
  "Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not Elvis! Now
turn around and drive!"
  So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his
things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God!
Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back
Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just
the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and
banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and
a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
  Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you...
Thank you very much!"



  There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard 
as they could, were unable to produce children.  After consulting 
everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still 
unsatisfied.  Finally, they consulted their family priest.
  "My children," the priest began, "God will listen to your prayers, 
and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly.  In 
fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the 
Vatican, I will light a candle for you."
  "Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
  Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything 
will work out just fine for you.  My stay in Rome will be for quite 
some time - 15 years.  But when I return, I will be sure to pay you 
a visit."
  And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the 
States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he 
remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years 
ago.
  Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who 
sought his counsel years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds 
of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the 
thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house.
More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom!  
In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.
  "My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered!  
And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your 
miracle!" "He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.
  "Rome?  Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
  She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "TO BLOW OUT THAT 
DAMN CANDLE YOU LIT!"



  For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to 
tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if 
I continue to come to your church."
  "Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a 
little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray 
for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."
  "Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only..."
  "Only what, my child?"
  "Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's 
going to kill YOU!"
  "Well, now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out 
Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town."



  This is reported to be true story is about a pastor (who is not a
computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real
phone call he received from the church secretary.
Secretary:  Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you
  met with the confirmation class last week.  Some of the boys in the
  class started messing with the mice.
Pastor:  What?!?!   (thinking: we've got mice in there????)
Secretary:  Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.
Pastor:  (incredulously:)  Th..th...they did what??????   How in
  the world did they do that?
Secretary:  They must have used a screwdriver or something.
Pastor:  We've got some pretty sick boys...   I... I... didn't even
  realize mice had balls...
Secretary:  Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time.
Pastor:  What??????  (still thinking of the little fury real
animals)  Well...what can we do?
Secretary:  I guess we'll have to put 'em back on.
Pastor:   WHAT????????!!!!!!
Secretary:  Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!



  A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year
later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?"
  The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a
day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?"
  "Yes."
  "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"



  The neighbourhood's most notorious tippler making his way 
unsteadily homeward, encountered the parish priest, who inquired 
about the suspicious bulge in his coat pocket.
  "It's holy water, Father," the culprit protested piously.
  The priest removed the bottle, sniffed at it and announced that 
it contained whisky.
  "Glory be," cried the drunk. "A miracle!"



  The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints 
grammar school.
  "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of 
Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many 
people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
  "But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich,
knowledgeable lawyer.
  "Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, 
who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's 
stormy seas?"
  Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy.  One of them got caught."



  A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a 
doctor who was retiring.  The older gent suggested the young one 
accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to 
a new doctor.
  At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick 
to my stomach."
  The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the
fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and
see if that does the trick?"
  As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that
woman.  How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
  "I didn't have to.  You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the 
floor in there?  When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half 
dozen banana peels in the trash.  That was what was probably making
her sick."
  "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try 
that at the next house."
  Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking 
with an elderly woman.  She complained that she just didn't have 
the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
  "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the 
younger doctor told her.  "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and 
see if that helps."
  As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost 
certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
  Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope.
When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."



  A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were 
discussing when life begins.
  "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilisation. 
That is when God instils the spark of life into the fetus."
  "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, 
because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable 
of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."
  "You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the 
children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."



  A Minister, Priest, and a Rabbi were discussing how donations were 
distributed. 
  The minister said that when he gets the collection plate, he draws 
a circle on the ground and throws the plate up in the air. Whatever 
money lands outside the circle goes for the Lord's work, and whatever
lands inside goes to his discretionary fund. 
  The priest had a similar plan. He drew a line on the ground, threw
the plate into the air, and whatever landed on the far side of the 
line, went to the Lord, and whatever landed on the near side went to 
his pay. 
  The Rabbi said his was very similar. He takes all the donations,
throws them as high as he can, and whatever God wants, He can keep! 



  A huge flood occurs in the town the priest lived in, and he has 
to climb up on his roof to escape the water.  As the water is rising
almost to the roof, a canoe comes by and the man says, "come into 
the boat and I will save you!!"
  The priest says, "I will stay here, God will save me!"
  As the water is at his feet, a motorboat comes by, and the people 
say, "Come priest we will save you!"
  The priest says, "God will save me!"
  As the water is almost up to his chin, a helicopter comes overhead, 
and they say "climb into the plane," and the priest says again "No, 
God will save me!"
  At the point of almost drowning, the priest says, "God, I have been
a good priest, and have always prayed to you. Why wont you save me?"
  Suddenly the voice of God answers, "What more could I do? I already
sent you two boats and a helicopter!"



  Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer 
while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
  "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
  "No," another contended.  "I get the best results standing
with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
  "You're both wrong," the third insisted.  "The most effective 
prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
  The repairman could contain himself no longer.  "Hey, fellas,"
he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside 
down from a telephone pole."



Reasons Why A Minister Stopped Attending Sports Events:

Every time I went, they asked me for money.

The people with whom I had to sit didn't seem very friendly.

The seats were too hard and not comfortable.

The coach never came to call on me.

The referee made a decision with which I could not agree.

I was sitting with some hypocrites -- they came only to see what
others were wearing.

Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home.

The band played some numbers that I had never heard before.

The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.

My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the
coaches anyhow.

I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for
themselves what sport they like best.

I hate to wait in the traffic jam in the parking lot after the game.




Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my
sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson
has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.
Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he
gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the
plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could
you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age
10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play
bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly,
Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I
know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my
allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am
flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than
sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team.
We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age
10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten
Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough
rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there
may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when
it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad
people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston



  Alabama plans to expand its death penalty to cover repeat child
molestors...
Supporters say this will also speed-up the execution process, since
priests are able to give themselves last rites.



  Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, 
near death.  The family called their preacher to stand with them. 
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared 
to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. 
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred 
used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.  
  The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, 
so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
  At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that 
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
  He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. 
I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of 
inspiration there for us all."
  He opened the note, and read..."Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"



  A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he 
knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table,
he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen 
in his life.
  "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his 
fingers over the grit and grime.
  She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
  He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started 
eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
  When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked, 
"Here Soap! Here Water!"



  A congregation honors their preist for twenty-five years of service
by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks
into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
  He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your 
respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
  The girl gets up and start to get dressed. 
  He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you." 



  This little boy was sittin one day on a dock. Along came a preacher
and he decided to talk to the little boy. The boy had a mason jar full
of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over watching
the bubbles float through it.
  The Preacher seeing this said, "Son Holy water is the strongest 
liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a
pregnant womans belly she will pass a baby boy? 
  The little boy thought about this one for a minute and said to the
preacher. Oh no sir this is still the strongest. If you rub a little
of this here stuff on a cats backside it will pass a motorcycle!



  A minister is driving down to New York for a radio show  when he's 
stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
  The State trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an 
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
  And the minister says, "Just water."
  The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
  And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, 
He's done it again!"



  A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral
director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. 
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased 
had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the 
cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he
finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, 
and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch.
  The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was 
already in place. He took out his book and read the service.
  As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say,
"Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."



  At a mass where some young novices were to take their final vows
to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two local rabbis enter
the church just before the service began.
  They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.
The bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn't have time to 
inquire before the mass began.
  When it came time for the announcements, the bishop's	curiosity
got the better of him.  He welcomed the two rabbis and asked why 
they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young 
ladies were to become "Brides of Christ."
  The elder of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, 
"Family of the Groom."



  A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group
of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
  The group surrounded a dog.  Concerned lest the boys were hurting
the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
  One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood 
stray.  We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So 
we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will
get to keep the dog."
  Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be 
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.
  He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning,
"Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with , "Why when 
I was your age, I never told a lie."
  There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend 
was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy 
gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

 

  In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper
tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to 
try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick
the seats around him.
  Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly
walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an 
upraised hand, the kindly, white haired, soft-spoken minister leans 
down and whispers something into the boy's ear.
  Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt.
  All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. 
As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of 
the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.
  "Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did
you use on that little boy?"
  The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he
didn't cut that crap out, I'd kick his butt to the moon."



  The mother said to her young son, "I'm going down to the cellar.
If the butcher comes, let me know.  I want to talk to him."
  A few minutes later the minister called.
  The boy, forgetting who his mother wanted to talk to, called 
downstairs, "Ma, that man's here now."
  The mother replied, "I can't come up yet.  Give him a dollar
out of my purse and tell him we didn't like his tongue last week...
and if it's no better this week, we're going to change."



  Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had
accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, 
the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
  "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
  "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping
the seeds into their pockets."




Good News and Bad News For a Pastor

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way 
you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search
committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things
exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the 'Gong Show,' 'Beavis and
Butthead' and 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre.'

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise
visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet
paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.




  A rabbi, minister, and a priest were passengers aboard the Titanic.
As the ship sank, the rabbi turned to the others and said, "You know,
we should help the children."
  The minister said "Fuck the children!"
  The priest said, "But we don't have time for that."



  Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. 
One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were 
about to leave and seek their way in life.
  'You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an 
extremely sinful world,' she said.  'I must warn you that men will
take advantage of you.  They'll do anything to get their way.  
They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then 
back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do 
terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.'
  'Excuse me, Mother,' one of the girls asked.  'You mean men will 
take advantage of us and give us cash?'
  'Yes child, why do you ask?'
  'Because the priests only give us candy!'



  During Lent, a Priest is so overwhelmed with religious fervor 
that he drops to his knees, puts his forehead to the ground and 
says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing."
  Not to look bad, the Deacon also puts gets down on his knees, 
puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you Lord, I am 
nothing."
  Moved by their humility, a man in the fourth row steps into the
aisle. He falls down on his knees, puts his forehead to the ground
and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing."
  The Deacon, noting the guy, elbows the Priest. "So," he whispers.
"Look who thinks he's nothing."



  A man joined the preisthood. The order he joined could not speak
for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words. The first seven
years passed and they went into a small room.
  His 2 word were, "too cold". 
  The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small
room and his 2 words were, "bad food".  
   The next seven years passed they took him back into the small 
room and his 2 words were, "I quit". 
  Good they said,"all you have done is complain."
 


  A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very 
small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. 
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him
to reach.
  After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves 
closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, 
walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on 
the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
  Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently
and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
  To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"



  A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the 
pastor.  As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and
asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
  The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
  "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
  "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman 
in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
  "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!" 
  So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the 
stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came
back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't  understand.  When I 
came in here, the place was hopping with  music and dancing.  Then the
room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place
is hopping again." 
  "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink too?"
  "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
  "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted
on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.  Now, how about 
that drink?



  The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church
lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
  "Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad.  "We just seeing who can
tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
  "Boys! Boys! Boys!" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when was your age, 
I never even thought about sex at all."
  They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor!"



  A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their 
church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year
old son was just getting the hang of potty training. He was at the
stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta pee,"
when he had to go to the bathroom.
  His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the 
minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that 
you've got to pee. Whisper!" 
  That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long
time and the two year old is on one foot and the other.
  Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?"
  The child looks at his dad and says, "I've gotta whisper!"
  Pastor says, "It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear."



  A Pastor went to his church office on Monday  morning and discovered
a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did 
not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the 
health department.  They said since there was no health threat that he
should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not 
pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
  Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. 
The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but 
the pastor called him anyway.
   The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and
rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? 
Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
  The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct 
his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury 
the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"



  A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest
to discuss birth control, since they already had five children. The 
husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable substitute
in the eyes of the Church.
  The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted act 
and a sin; totally banned according to their faith.
  The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game, you 
no make-a da rules."



  Charlie was a regular visitor at the race track. One afternoon he
noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic 
priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a 
blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure 
enough the blessed horse came in first!
  Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the 
priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie 
played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure 
enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close 
to fifty bucks!  The priest continued the same procedure through the 
next few races and the horse won each time.
  So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank to
withdraw his life's savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day was
the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which
horse he blessed.
  He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash 
on that horse, to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race.
Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the
horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was far behind ... dead last!
Charlie was crushed.
  He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless
the horses which all became winners throughout the day. Charlie then
asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed?  Because of
your failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life's savings."
  "That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest, "you
never could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."




  A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and
hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got
so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and
talk to the teenagers.
  The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went
up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for
you to hang out than on God's doorstep."
  The gang leader defiantly said, "F**k God."
  Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy
laws and taking his name."
  The gang leader said, "F**k God's laws. You name one, I break it. I
swear, I f**k , I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna break every single f**king  law the church has ever make."
  The priest said, "Do you really mean that?"
  The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on
a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law."
  "Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't
committed."
  "Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it."
  Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide.
So go kill yourself."



  A priest is walking around a fairgrounds one afternoon when a young 
lady walks up and says, "Excuse me sir, but are you aware you have your 
shirt on backwards".
  The priest replies, "No, you don't understand. I'm a father".
  The young lady says, "Well if you are a father you should set a good 
example and put your clothing on properly".
  The priest exclaims, "No, I'm afraid you still don't understand. I'm 
a father to thousands".
  "In that case", snapped the young lady, "Perhaps you should put your 
pants on backwards".



  One day this Priest decides to make some money for his church by 
going into thouroughbread horse racing. He goes to a horse auction 
with high hopes, but all he could afford was a racing donkey. The 
priest prays the night before the race and incredibly the donkey
comes in 3rd. The newspaper headlines read:

   PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

  The priest enters the donkey in another race and as if by miracle 
the donkey wins 1st place. The newspaper headlines read:

   PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

  The bishop was most annoyed by all this publicity and tells the 
priest to get rid of the donkey. The newspaper headlines read:

   BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

  The priest decides to give the donkey to the head of a local 
convent.  The newspapers read:

   NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

  The bishop was extremely ticked off with all this bad publicity 
and demands that the nun get rid of the donkey. The newspapers read:

   NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR 10 BUCKS

  After reading the paper the bishop dies of a heart attack. The
newspaper headlines read:

   TOO MUCH ASS KILLS BISHOP




  When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to 
a nearby roadhouse to use the phone.  After calling for a tow truck, 
he spotted his old friend Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed at the 
bar.  
  "What has happened to you, Frank?" asked the good reverend. "You 
used to be rich."
  Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that led to his downfall.
  "Go home," the preacher said.  "Open your Bible at random, stick 
your finger on the page and there will be God's answer."
  Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank again.  He was 
wearing a Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped 
out of a Mercedes.
  "Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really 
turned around for you."
  "Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank.  "I opened 
my Bible as you said, put my finger down on the page and there was 
the answer -- Chapter 11!"



  On a scorching summer day, a young priest came to a deserted beach 
and did not resist a swim in the nude. As he was about to emerge, he 
saw a young lady coming closer. All he could do to be somehow decent 
was to grab his hat and cover the place where his underpants were 
missing. The young lady came to him; she knew that he was a priest, 
and asked him to bless her. The priest thought intensely for a while 
and then raised his hands to bless the young lady. 
  So let us drink to the force that kept the hat in its place.



  There was this little boy who cussed all the time. One day, the
preacher heard him and delivered a stern warning. He said that if 
he didn't stop, the Boogerman would get him.
  "Where is he?" the boy asked.
  "He's everywhere," the preacher said.
  "In Grandma's cellar?"
  "Yes."
  "I know that's a damn lie.  Grandma ain't got no cellar!"



  A man was getting ready to jump off a building and become sidewalk
pizza.  A priest was called in to try and talk him out of it.
Priest: Don't jump my son, think of all the things you have to live for.
Man: I don't have anything to live for.
Priest: Well, think of your Mother.
Man: My Mother's dead.
Priest: Well, think of your wife and kids.
Man: I don't have a wife or kids.
Priest: Well, think of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
Man: The blessed what?
Priest: Jump!, you Protestant bastard, jump!



"You Might Be A Preacher If..."

You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover 
you were

You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times

You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know 
what you're preaching on Sunday

A church picnic is no picnic

You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny

You wonder why the tax seminar leader didn't open with prayer

Instead of getting "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."

You've ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion

You'd rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed

You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's neck



  A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear 
when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are
flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated all our visibility."
  The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a retired
minister.
  "Now, now, keep calm," he said.  "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
  Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray...except one man.
  "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.
  "I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
  "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.
  The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.



  The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he
happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the
town bar, drinking beer.
  The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of 
his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the 
bar and sat down next to the woman.
  "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for 
a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
  "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
  When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back 
and forth.  The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink 
and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both 
lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for 
a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, 
her skirt hiked up to her waist.
  The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we 
won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"
  The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
  The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in you might 
as well finish up."



  Two Irish men are working in a ditch across the street from a 
brothel. A Protestant minister comes walking along and quickly 
sneaks behind the door.  The two men shake their heads and one 
says to the other, "What kind o' time do we live in when men of 
the cloth 'be visiting such places?"
  They muse over this for a while and are getting back to work 
when a rabbi makes a dash for the brothel.  The two look at each 
other and the other says, "It's no wonder that the children of 
today are so confused, what with the example that the clergy are 
setting."
  They're mulling over this when a Catholic priest sneaks up 
to the house-of-ill-repute, glances to make sure that no one is 
looking, and ducks inside.  The two men lean on their shovels, 
look at each other, and the one says, sympathetically, "Ah, what 
a shame...one of the poor lasses must be dying."



  An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During 
the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and 
shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started 
to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the 
housekeeper than met the eye.
  Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, 
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship 
with my housekeeper is purely professional."
  About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and 
said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been 
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he 
took it do you?"
  The priest said, "I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be 
sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 
did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not 
take a gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing 
ever since you were here for dinner."
  Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the 
young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do 
sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep 
with your housekeeper, but the fact remains that if you were sleeping 
in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle I placed there 
by now."



  A woman starts dating a doctor.  Before too long, she becomes
pregnant and they don't know what to do.  About nine months later, 
just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into 
the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
  The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've 
operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it 
was a miracle."
  "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
  "It's worth a try," he says.
  So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.  
After the operation he goes in to the priest  and says, "Father, 
you're not going to believe this."
  "What?" says the priest.  "What happened?"
  "You gave birth to a child."
  "But that's impossible!"
  "I just did the operation," insists the doctor.  "It's a miracle!
Here's your baby."
  About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must
tell his son the truth.  One day he sits the boy down and says, 
"Son, I have something to tell you.  I'm not your father."
  The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
  The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your 
father."
 


  A young priest was just about to enter the church for mass when 
the old priest who usually conducted services came out, sweating 
and looking nervous.
  "What's wrong father?" the young priest asked.
  "I can't do it again. I just can't do it. You...you must conduct
mass today young man."
  "But I've never done mass before.  What's wrong, are you ill?"
  "No, no, it's not that.  It's Sister Greene.  She makes it 
impossible!  I must go.  Good luck young man."  And with that the 
old priest rushed away.
  "Who is Sister Greene?" the young priest wondered.  He entered the
church and walked up to the pulpit and began to conduct mass to the 
best of his abilities, though he was clearly nervous. As he continued,
he noticed one of the Sisters sitting in the front pew.  She was 
smiling at him, coyly.  He then noticed that she was slowly but surely 
pulling her habit up and up, revealing more and more skin.  He started 
stammering and becoming forgetful.  Finally, she pulled the garment 
all the way over her knees, and started slowly spreading her legs.  
Now the young priest was really having difficulties.  Fortunately, 
there was a break in the service and while the congregation was in 
prayer, he leaned over to whisper to the alter boy standing next to 
him, "Excuse me, but is that Sister Greene?"
  The alter boy peered over at the Sister, who had not changed her
provocative position and replied, "No, I think it's just the lighting 
in here, Father."



  This preacher was calling on people who hadn't been to church lately.
Mrs. Jones came to the door and the preacher said, "I haven't seen you 
at church lately, so I thought I would stop and see if everything was 
alright."
  Mrs. Jones said, "Oh everything is just find Reverend. My husband 
says he likes for me to stay home on Sundays cause he works all week 
and it is the only time he can put his head here on my bosom and hear 
the angels sing."
  The preacher says, "Are you kidding me?"
  She says, "Why don't you try it and see."
  So the preacher puts his head on her bosom and says, "I don't hear
the angels singing."
  Mrs. Jones says, "But reverend...you aren't plugged in yet."



  Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the
Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
  The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress,
and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.
  In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. 
She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
  "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your
lack of control.  Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your
carnal weakness."
  The candidate leaves.
  The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly
peeling off her layers of veils.  As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
  "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor.  "You too are unable to
withstand your carnal desires.  Go take a long, cold shower and 
pray for forgiveness."
  The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final
candidate.  Nothing.  She writhes up and down against his body.  
No response.  Finally, exhausted, she quits.
  "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. 
"Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a
priest.  Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
*Ting-a-ling*



  Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were
promptly pulled over by a Policeman who said, "What do you think 
you are doing? What if you have an accident?"
  The priests say "Don't worry my son. Jesus is with us"
  The Policeman says "In that case I have to book you. 3 people are 
not allowed to ride in a motorcycle"



  The local priest was strolling down the High Street late in the
evening when suddenly a young lady of the night pops out of a shop 
doorway.
  "Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?".
  "My dear child", says the priest, "I've no idea what you mean. 
Please leave me alone."
  A little further on up the street and another woman appears out 
the darkness.
  "Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?".
  "My dear child", says the priest again, "I've no idea what you mean.
Please leave me alone."
  He carries on up the street and is amazed when it happens again!
  "Hello Father. Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?"
  After this he decides that he will go and see the Mother Superior 
in the Convent and ask her if she can explain the women's strange 
request. 
  "Mother Superior," he asks, "Tell me, what's a quicky?".
  "10 quid," she replies, "The same as in town!".



  December 15th..3 altar boys are standing in the snow with their 
pants down around their ankles....the have their penises in a snow 
bank. Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, 
  "Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing...you're going to catch 
pneumonia...put your penises away!"
  The tallest alter boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, 
don't worry, we know what we're doing....Father Porter always likes 
a couple cold ones after work!"



  One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 
16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into 
the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball
and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, 
and the golf ball lying right beside him.
  "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor 
little guy.
  Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair 
and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
  The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I 
didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
  Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, 
"Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have 
to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I 
would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, 
and a great sex life." 
  Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the 
same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the 
same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the 
ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
  The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf 
game is?""
  "It's great! I hit under par every time."
   "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is 
holding out?"
  The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time 
I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
   "I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
  The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe 
once or twice a week."
  The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or 
twice a week?"
  "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

 


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