Sermon Jokes

Sermon Jokes


  The new preacher, at his first service had a pitcher of water 
and a glass on the pulpit.  As he preached, he drank until the 
pitcher of water was completely gone.
  After the service someone asked an elderly church member, 
"How did you like the new pastor?"
  "Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that
was run by water."



  The preacher said:  "There's no such thing as a perfect man.
Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."
  Nobody stood up.
  "Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."
  One demure little woman stood up.
  "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked,
somewhat amazed.
  "I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman,
"but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's
first wife."


   
  One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On 
a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation,
  "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain.
Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank
God for sending rain.
  The people did as they were told and returned to church the
following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was
furious.
  "We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.
  "But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."
  "Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"
 
 

  The minister told the story of a lady and her five-year old son.
The lady wanted her son to attend Sunday morning service, but she 
couldn't sit with him because she sang in the choir. So, she asked
the boy's grandfather to accompany him.   Realizing that older
gent always nodded off during services, the lady offered her son
fifty cents to keep him awake.
  Half way through the sermon the lady glanced from the choir loft 
and saw/heard her snoring relative. Upon questioning the boy after 
Church as to why he didn't do his "paid" job of keeping grandfather
awake, the boy said that grandfather offered him a dollar to let 
him sleep.



  In church this past sunday, we celebrated Communion. During the
"children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and
what it is all about.
  "The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'.
What does that mean?  Well, 'joyful' means happy, right?  And a 
feast is a meal.  So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal.  And what 
are the three things we need for a happy meal?"
  I turned to the guy next to me, and said, "Hamburger, fries, 
and a regular soft drink?"



  After church, a woman shook the pastor's hand at the door and 
went on and on in her praise.
  "That sermon," she exclaimed, "was one of the most wonderful 
I've ever heard!"
  The humble pastor couldn't accept such a great compliment. 
"Oh, it really wasn't me," he said, "It was all the Lord."
  "Oh, no," she quickly assured him, "it wasn't THAT good."



  Every Sunday the pastor would observe Sam Campbell and his wife 
Sara, holding hands. And they held hands all through the service.
It made him happy to see two such loving old folks.
  One Sunday, greeting the congregation as they filed out the door, 
the pastor said to Sam and Sara, "It sure does my heart good to see 
two such loving people as you, Mr. and Mrs. Campbell. It's quite 
an inspiration."
  Sara looked up at him and grinned, saying, "That ain't love, 
Pastor. It's the only way I can keep him from cracking his knuckles 
during the service."



  On Ash Wednesday, congregants at Kilbourne (Ohio) United Methodist 
Church were coming forward for the imposition of ashes on their 
foreheads.
  Two-year-old Brenna Wagoner, upset that her mother was not taking 
her to the altar, was overheard exclaiming, "But I want to get a 
tattoo just like Daddy's!"



  My wife and I were in a church service. There was an older gentleman
in the audience near the front who would periodically interject a
"Praise God" or "Amen, brother".  During the sermon, the pastor began
speaking about Solomon and mentioned his 700 wives and concubines when
the old man said "Lord have mercy".



  Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon 
seemed to go on forever and many in the congregation fell asleep. 
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy 
looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, 
extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." 
  To this the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"



  A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion 
was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle
each Christmas.  One year, when the minister went to visit his friend,
 hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but 
his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from
the pulpit the next Sunday.
  In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and 
left.  So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had 
to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from 
a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church 
with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
  The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, 
I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, 
Joe, for his kind gift of peaches...and for the spirit in which they 
were given!"



Surviving Boring Sermons

Toss around a giant beach ball before service, 
like at Grateful Dead concerts.

Put stray dogs in the coat closets!

Untune the piano!

Ten minutes before the mass starts, give a dollar to a kid in
the front row and tell the youngster to ask the minister, "Would 
you rather be stoned or crucified?"

Eat dry Cap'n Crunch or Count Chocula throughout the entire mass.

Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up,
and say, "Oh shit, this isn't the wedding!" Run out of the church.

Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

Hand out condoms.

Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

Drool in the collection plate.

Pee in the holy water.

Position several bottle rockets on the floor, and light 'em!

Do "the wave", like at a Reds game.

Walk up and down the aisle selling peanuts and beer, yelling,
"Get your ice cold beer here!"

Fart! Have a friend shout, "Hark! An angel has spoken!"

Fake a possession.

Blow huge bubbles with bubble gum that pop and stick in your hair.

Get somebody else to blow a bubble with bubble gum, and shoot
straw paper at the bubble.

Spit out your gum in the grape juice that everyone drinks out of.

For the part of the mass when you shake hands, be sure you have
either a buzzer or a booger in your hand.

Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

Do cool things with the lighting.

When the choir sings, roll your eyes and whine, "Oh, Christ! 
Are they gonna do another SONG?"

Make up your own lyrics to the songs.

Replace the organist's sheet music with "Stayin' Alive".

Go through all the hymnals and mark song 666.

Write on the bathroom wall, "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!"

Inflate balloons and send 'em off!

When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of
paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

Put a piece of poop wrapped in toilet paper in the collection plate.

Have the stained-glass windows replaced overnight with new ones
depicting pornographic or ridiculous images. Send the bill to 
the pastor.

If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother, "IF YOU
DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"

Wear a clown costume to Easter mass!

Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

For a church supper, bring a casserole with a piece of a
wristwatch or a pubic hair embedded inside.

Mark places in the Bibles or hymnals with religious-themed "Far
Side" cartoons or copies of The Last Word.

Open up a Bible to the Ten Commandments. Draw in asterisks and
write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned.

During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks
what you're doing, say, "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the 
earth over 65 million years ago."

Pierce the body of a small dead animal with stainless-steel wire,
and wear it in your ear like an earring.

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

See if a yawn really is contagious.

Slap your neighbor. See if he turns the other cheek. If not, raise
your hand and tell the priest/preacher.

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B
and so on through the alphabet.

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews
ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for
every marble that made it to the front.

Using church notice sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials,
design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes..

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to
the front, under the pews, without being noticed..

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.

Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start
blowing bubbles.

Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your
shirt around backwards..

Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

Practice smiling insincerely.




  The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new 
dentures were being made.
  The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, 
he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached 
1 hour 25 minutes.
  When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded 
this way:
  "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The 
second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, 
I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I could not stop 
talking!"



  A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time
on that afternoon to write a letter to God.  They were to bring their
letter back the following Sunday.  One little boy wrote, "Dear God.  
We had a good time at church today.  Wish you could have been there."



  "Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my
attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific,
it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and 
shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the 
congregation to rise."
  Not a woman stirred.
  "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to 
announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it is 
necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins 
to rise."
  And still not a woman stirred.
  Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing
a small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the name of Mother Mary
herself. Let all virgins stand!"
  And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear,
with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
  The preacher stared with astonishment at her. "Young woman, I have 
asked for virgins to stand."
  "Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really expect
this six-month-old child to stand by herself?"


 
  A popular preacher was admonishing a class of divinity students on 
the importance of making their facial expressions harmonize with their
speech in delivering sermons.
  "When you speak of heaven," he said, "let your face light up and be
irradiated with a heavenly gleam.  Let your eyes shine with reflected
glory.  And when you speak of hell...well, then your everyday face 
will do."



  A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume 
of the devil.  On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a 
church where a revival meeting was in progress.
  At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter 
through the doors and windows.
  One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the seats
and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a member
of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side all 
the time."



  One Sunday morning the congregation of a ritzy church (with vaulted 
ceilings, handcarved oak pews, stained glass windows and deep plush 
carpet) had a stir. A man came in just minutes before the service was
to begin and he was dressed horribly, was stinking, had on old boots,
torn overalls, a dirty flannel shirt, and a dusty cowboy hat. 
  The congregation was aghast! Many quickly sent notes to the minister 
about this concern. At the end of the services the minister greeted 
the humbly dressed man and asked him if he enjoyed the service. The 
man exclaimed that he enjoyed it very much. 
  The minister asked the man to consider possibly dressing differently,
and taking a shower, and told him to pray to Jesus about how he would 
have him dress if he should return again. 
  The next week the man returned.  He was dressed the same and once 
again the congregation was disturbed.  At the end of the service the
minister greeted the man again and asked him what he had been told 
by Jesus concerning his how to dress for church.
  The man exclaimed. "I spoke with Jesus about this but Jesus said he 
didn't know how I should dress for "this church" because He has never 
been here. 
  
 

  After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced he wished to meet 
with the church board following the close of the service. However, the 
first man to arrive was a total stranger.
  "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," 
said the minister.
  "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than 
I am, I'd like to meet him!"



  A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had 
sent to him by an usher.
  The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires 
the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
  Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by 
announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the 
prayers of the congregation for his safety.
 
 

  A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on 
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in 
church?"
  One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."



  A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
  So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning 
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceed to talk up 
a storm.  Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following 
note on his door:

1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.

2.  There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3.  There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.  We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.

7.  The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
    Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
    don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take 
    this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, 
    thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
    not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.



  The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word and
anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word, just start
singing and we will all join in.
  He called out WOOD...and in just a second 10 people started singing 
The Old Rugged Cross.
  He called out LOVE, and a little 6 year old started singing Jesus 
Loves me.
  He then called out SEX.  Not a sound.
  Again he called out SEX. A little old lady in the back row suddenly
stood up and started singing, Precious Memories 




  The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going
to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up 
with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church 
building.
  Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was 
sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The 
substitute wanted to know what to play.
  "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.  "But you'll 
have to think of something to play after I make the announcement
about the finances."
  During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice 
as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who 
can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
  At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled 
Banner."
  And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!



  A minister was preparing a sermon on sex. His wife said, "Dear,
I'm not sure you should discuss that subject. Speak about something
else. Sex is so private."
  "You're probably right, dear.  I think I'll talk about sailing."
  That night the minister's wife became ill.  She was still in bed
that Sunday morning.  Her absence freed him to discuss sex.  After
church was out, two of the women of the congregation visited the 
wife. They talked about the minister's sermon.  He had spoken with 
such gusto and vigor.
  The minister's wife said, "How could he sound so smart? He only 
did it twice...once in the harbor and once just past the breakwater.
And both times he threw up!"



  A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the 
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. 
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
  The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
  My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas 
and Easter?"
  He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."



  A preacher always got into his sermon about noon. At that time, the 
train would go through the town and blow its whistle. Several members 
of the congregation went to the train company and begged them to change
the schedule.
  The darn whistle was waking everybody up!



  A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the 
sermon.  One Sunday, the wife decided to do something about it, so she 
picked up a long hat pin and took it with her to church. While sitting 
in church, the wife noticed that her husband was once again falling 
asleep, and as the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted 
out "... and who created all there is in 6 days?", she poked her husband 
who jumped from the pew and shouted, "Good god all mighty!"
  The minister looked at the man and said, "That's right, that's 
right...", and he continued with the sermon. The man sat back down, 
muttering under his breath.
  Later on, once again the man began to doze off, and just as the minister 
reached "...and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?", the wife
again poked her husband, and he leaped from the pew and shouted "Jesus 
Christ!"
  The minister again looked at the man and said, "That's right, that's 
right...", and went on with the sermon. The man sat back down, and gave 
his wife an angry look. Even so, the man was tired and ten minutes later 
he was feeling incredibly sleepy, so he closed his eyes and leaned his 
head back. 
  His wife noticed that he was about to fall asleep again, so she pulled 
out the hat pin, and just as the minister said, "... and what did Eve say 
to Adam after the birth of their second child?", she poked him as hard as 
she could.
  The man sprang from the pew and shouted, "If you stick me with that damn
thing again I'm going to break it in two!"



  A church burned down and the people had no place to hold there 
Sunday morning service.  There was a bar right across the street,
so the minister arranged to hold the service there since the bar 
was normally closed on Sunday morning. The minister is only 
concerned that the parrot who lives on a perch in the bar will 
use foul language. 
  The owner of the bar assures the minister that the parrot never 
uses bad language since it's really a Baptist parrot.
  So, Sunday rolls around.  The minister walks in and the parrot
looks up and says, "Hey, look at that. A new bartender!"
  A few minutes later, the deacons walk in and the parrot says,
"Hey, look at that. New waiters!"
  Several minutes later, all the parishoners walk in. The parrot
looks up and says, "Oh, well, same old customers..."



  A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about 
the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to 
read Mark 17."
  The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had 
read Mark 17.
  Every hand went up.
  The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will 
now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."



  For a special family day mass. I invited my parents to join me at 
my church. Unlike theirs, mine uses a overhead projector for the words
to new hymns to appear on a screen for the whole congregation to see.
All through the singing, and even after, I could see my dad beaming.
When I asked him how he liked the service, he answered, "It was
wonderful, but my favorite part was the karaoke!"



  "I think we need to change the morning hymn," said the minister
to his song leader.  "My topic this morning is `gossip.' I don't 
think `I Love to Tell the Story' would be the best song."
                                


  Fr. McGillicudy couldn't get any money from his congregations, 
so he took a course in hypnotism.
  At Sunday Mass McGillicudy waved his little watch from the pulpit, 
back and forth, back and forth. He asked the congregation to put five 
bucks in the basket and they all did.  He thought this was great.
  The following Sunday he did the same thing only this time he asked 
for ten bucks and they all put ten bucks in the basket.
  He thought this was really turning into something. So the next 
Sunday he was swinging his watch back and forth, back and forth 
and he accidently dropped it.
  "Oh shit", he said and they did and it cost him $2,000 dollars to
clean the church.



  Two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew 
of church with a fiery preacher.  When this preacher condemned the sin 
of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs...
  AMEN... BROTHER!
  When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again...
  PREACH IT REVEREND!
  And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their
feet and screamed.
  RIGHT ON BROTHER...TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!
  But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet 
and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now 
he's meddlin'."



  A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety 
of human experiences could be found there.
  After the sermon, he was approached by a woman who told the preacher, 
"I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
  The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and 
that he would find it for her. 
  The following week, after service, the preacher called the woman aside 
and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the 
way to Bethlehem."



  Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there 
lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, 
after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends, I have been 
hearing very nasty rumors!"  
  The crowd fell into an expectant silence.  The Minister continued, 
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the 
dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that 
the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock 
of loyal followers."
  Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't 
know how this all came to be.  I just mentioned to one of my close friends
...that you were a wizard under the sheets."



Things You Never Hear in Church

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes
   over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to
   TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday
   School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so
   he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual
    stewardship campaign!



  After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered 
after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way 
out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a 
couple of months before.
  As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, 
do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"
  "Certainly not," replied the preacher.
  "Well...in that case...could I have the $50 back that I gave you for 
marrying me?"



  A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it 
and pour it into the river."
  With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in 
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
  And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, 
I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
  The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For 
our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."


 
You don't know your way...
  The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he 
arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, 
he asked a young boy where the post office was.
  When the boy told him, Rev. Graham  thanked him and said, "If you'll 
come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone 
how to get to Heaven."
  "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.  "You don't even know your 
way to the post office."
 


  One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair 
saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried."
  Her husband looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct two special 
services last night, three today, & give a total of five sermons.  Why 
are you so tired ?"
  "Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."



  Every Sunday Ol' Jeb would go to sleep half way through the sermon,
sometimes to the point of snoring. The Preacher decided to have some
fun with Jeb, so the following Sunday, he began his sermon as usual.
Soon he noticed Jeb was drifting off to sleep, so he began to talk
softly.
  "Now friends", he said to the congregation,  "I'm sure that each one 
of you here is a God-fearing Christian, and wants to go to heaven", and 
the congregation all nodded agreement. The Preacher continued softly 
"Well, if there's anyone here that doesn't want to go to heaven, and 
wants to go to Hell, then..." and the preacher takes a deep breath and 
shouts "STAND UP!"
  Well, Jeb is startled awake with the shouting and instantly jumps to 
his feet!
  The Preacher looks over his pulpit at Jed and asks "Jed, are you really 
sure you want to be standing up?" Jeb looks around and replies, "Well, 
Preacher, you're the only other one a-standin', but I'm with you all the 
way!"



  A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,  
carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to 
sing  in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."



  After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6-year-old
boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week.
  "Oh, he's a  very busy man," the father  replied. "He takes care of 
church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor...And then he 
has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you 
know."
  The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy,
either."

 

  At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar
wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting  down around the
pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
  The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes...
and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."



  After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was
awful this morning."
  The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
  Their 7-yr. old daughter added: "You've got to admit it was a pretty 
good show for a dime."



  A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered "Mommy, if we 
give him the money now, will he let us go?"



  A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you
know what to say?" he asked.
  "Why, God tells me."
  "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"



  A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church,
and was preaching his first sermon. He started out with a quote, "Behold 
I cometh..." but he couldn't remember the rest of it.  In the seminary, 
they had told him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat 
what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.
  So, he said again, "Behold I cometh....' but he still couldn't remember.
  So he reared back and shouted again, "BEHOLD I COMETH..." but this time, 
he tripped over the pulpit and fell onto a little woman sitting in the 
first row.  He was embarrassed and started apologizing.
  "It ain't your fault," the woman said. "You told me you was coming
three times, and I never did move!"



  Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such 
boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention,
said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that 
wasn't my wife!"
  The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was 
my mother!" 
  The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went 
over well.
  About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar 
decided to use that joke in his sermon.  As he shyly approached the pulpit
one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a 
bit foggy to him this morning.
  Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life
were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
  His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds 
trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted  
out "...and I can't remember who she was!"



  A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those 
who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!"  Everybody enthusiastically 
raised their hands...everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been 
slouching against the door post at the back of the room.
  All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and 
said, "Preacher, that was too easy.  How d'ya know if these folks are 
serious?  I c'n gar-an-tee to prove who really means it an' who don't!"
  Bemused and not a little frightenened the preacher said, "Ok, stranger, 
go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them 
anything you want."
  At that the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the audience 
and said, "Alright...who wants to go heaven...raise your hands!"



  During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children
what "Amen" means.
  A little boy raised his hand and said:  "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's 
all folks!' "



  One beautiful Sunday morning, a Minister announced to his congregation,
"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1,000 sermon 
that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a 
$100 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and 
see which one I'll deliver."



  A woman whose husband kept falling asleep in church during the sermon
went to the minister to see if he had any suggestions.  The minister
talked with her awhile and counseled against hitting him or sticking him
with a pin, and suggested she put some limburgher cheese in a jar and
when the husband fell asleep to put it under his nose and open it to get
his attention.
  Sure enough, during next Sunday's sermon, the husband fell asleep, so
the wife put the bottle under his nose and cracked the top and took it
away. The husband roused slightly and went back to sleep. Then the wife 
took the bottle and opened it under is nose and he brushed it away with 
his hand, still sleeping.  Finally she jammed it under his nose and he 
sat straight up yelling "Jeezus Martha, get your damned feet off the
pillow."



  A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab
driver who has a higher place.  He says to Saint Peter, "I don't get it. 
I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
  Saint Peter says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay
attention when you gave a sermon?"
  The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
  Saint Peter says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they 
not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed."



  One Sunday a cowboy went to church.  When he entered, he saw that he 
and the preacher were the only ones present.  The preacher asked the 
cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
  The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle 
and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
  So the minister began his sermon.
  One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.  The
preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had
liked the sermon.
  The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went 
to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him ALL 
the hay."



  The minister made the following statement to his congregation, "I don't 
mind if any of you take a nap during my sermon. I'd rather have a dozing 
attendant, than a wide-awake absentee."

  

  A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where the 
Star Spangled Banner was sung before the start of the game.
  Then the father and the son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before
Independence Day. The congregation sang that song, and after everyone sat 
down, the boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL"



  In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some 
churches have considered translating their unfamiliar
terminology into familiar football phrases.  They might help 
initiate football fans into the complexities of church life.

Quarterback Sneak
 - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play
 - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime
 -  The period between Sunday School and worship when many 
choose to leave

Benchwarmer
 - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything
but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion
 - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain)
during the service.

Staying in the Pocket
 - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to 
the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning
 - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and 
begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay
 - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's
illustrations.

Sudden Death
 - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the
preacher goes "overtime".

Trap
 - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run
 - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
fellow member.

Flex Defense
 - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon
to affect your life.

Halfback Option
 - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the
evening service.

Blitz
 - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Blocking
 - Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and
keeping everyone else from exiting.

Draft Choice
 - The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

End Zone
 - The pews.

Extra Point
 - What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon 
was too short.

Illegal Motion
 - Leaving before the benediction.

Interference
 - Talking during the organ prelude.



  The suggestion has been made that preachers could get more
husbands to church if they'd have beautiful ushers, as pretty
as airline hostesses.  Obviously, the wives would then go along
for security's sake.



  The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike
cord as he went.
 Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, 
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward  her mother and
whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"



  Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud Finally,
his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud
in church."
  "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
  Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two 
men standing by the door? They're hushers."

 

  A six year old boy was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer 
at church service. "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive 
those who passed trash against us."
 

 
  A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this 
part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and 
give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.
  On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object 
lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm 
going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when
you know what it is."
  The children nodded eagerly.
  "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." 
  No hands went up.
  "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..."
  The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised.
  "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips 
its tail when it's excited (pause)..."
  Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand.
  The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.
  "Well...," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus...
but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"



  One day the Devil appeared in a small town church just as services 
were concluded. The preacher and his flock wasted no time to get the 
hell out of there upon seeing the Devil. All except for one old man. 
He just sat there looking half asleep.
  The Devil walked up to the old man and asked, "Do you know who I am?"
  "Sure. You`re Satan."
  "And you`re not afraid of me?"
  "Afraid of you? Why should I be afraid of you?  I`ve been married
to your sister for 50 years."



  On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one
farmer arrived at the village church.
  The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today."
  The farmer replied, "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding
time, I feed it."



  The church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate.
When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the
service and announced "who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please
stand up". 
  A gay man stood up and said "I did".
  The preacher told him "since you put that money in the plate I would 
like to let you pick out three hymes."
  Excitedly, the gay guy said, "well I'll take him and him and him."
 


  One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time.
  So the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the
plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
  "Good morning pastor", replied the young man not taking his eyes 
off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
  "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service",
replied the pastor.
  Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. 
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir,  the 8:30 or the 10:30?"



  A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 
  Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."



  The minister addressed his congregation.  "There is a certain man 
among us today who is flirting with another man's wife. Unless he puts
ten dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit."
  When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten-dollar bills, and 
a five-dollar bill with this note attached:  "Another five on payday."
             

 
  After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister
when I grow up."
  "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"  Well, 
I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will 
be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."



  A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, 
"For my text today, I will take the words, `And they fed five 
men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
  Mr. Perkins, a church member, raised his hand and said, "That's
not much of a trick.  I could do that."
  The minister didn't respond.  However, the next Sunday he decided
to repeat the text.  This time he did it properly:  "And they fed 
five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two fishes."  
  Smiling, the minister said to the noisy gent, "Could you do that, 
Mr. Perkins?"
  "I sure could," replied Mr. Perkins.
  "How would you do it?"
  "With all the food left over from last Sunday!"

 

  Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after 
his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came 
up to him in tears.
  "What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.
  "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
  "Well what is it, Mary?"
  "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
  "Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
  "Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
  "What did he ask, Mary?"
  Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

 

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've
you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
  The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos,
went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the
United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games,
to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
  The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church,
church, church."



  A man came home and saw his children along with a group of the
neighbourhood children gathered around the front steps. He asked
what it was they were doing.
  "We're playing church." one said.
  The puzzled Father inquired further and was told, "Well, we've
already sung, prayed and listened to the sermon.  Now, we're all
outside smoking."



  A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate
was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket
and dropped it in.
  Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and 
handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate
and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous.  
  Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper,
"Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out 
of your pocket.



  After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally
goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so
moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake
his hand.
  He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
  The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd
appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
  The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it
was such a damn good sermon!"
  The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this 
way in Church!"
  The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that
I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection
plate."
  The Reverend looks stunned, and says, "NO SHIT?"



  After a church service, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow
up, I'm going to give you some money."
  "Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of 
you," he smiled, "but why?"
  "Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."


 
  Every Sunday, in church, our minister has a brief "Children's Time"
where all of the children sit in a circle, he says a few inspirational
words and they go off to Sunday school.  One time in December, he 
called up the children and was talking about advent.
  "So, before we light this candle," he said, "can anyone tell me 
why we are lighting it?"
  A child raised her hand and said, "Because it's the last day 
of advent?" 	
  "No, that's not it," the minister said, "Does anyone else know?"
  All the children were quiet for a moment, then one boy blurted out,
"Because it's Chanukah!"



  Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.  
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of 
paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
  The second boy says, "That's nothing.  My Dad scribbles a few 
words on a  piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
  The third boy says, "I got you both beat.  My Dad scribbles a few 
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.  And, it takes 
eight people to collect all the money!"



  Looking out into the congregation, the young minister noted that
the bishop was in attendance. After the service was over, the minister
was shaking hands as the bishop exited.
  "How did you like my sermon, Bishop," the young man asked.
  "Young man, it was like the peace and mercy of God," replied the
bishop. "It was like his peace in that it passed all understanding
and like his mercy in that I thought it would endure forever."



  A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going
to church. 
  Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful
attendance, the priest went to see him and found him in excellent health,
  The priest asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at
services anymore?" 
  The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, padre," he whispered. 
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got
to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and
must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!" 
 
 

  The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon
when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress
with her boobs almost hanging out.
  He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed
the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left
the church.
  When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing
voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
  "Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell 
me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."
  "Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head
between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said.
"I don't hear any angels singing!"
  "Of course not reverend." she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

 

  The crumbling, old church building needed remodelling, so the preacher
made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town.
At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor,
I will contribute $1,000."
  Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on
the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will 
increase my donation to $5,000."
  Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again
he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
  He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the 
head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
  This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"



  My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided 
that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.  During the 
service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front 
door.
  On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was 
about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead
of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.
  He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat 
to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 
10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
  The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach
thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
  My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started
to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."



  A pastor was addressing the children during the Christmas service.
  "Who is the mother of Jesus?" he asked them.
  Without hesitation, dozens of tiny voices chorused back "Mary."
  "That's right.  Now who can tell me who is the father of Jesus?"
  There was quiet and fidgeting.  After all, no one told them there
was going to be a quiz.
  Then a young girl spoke up.  With assurance, she boldly announced,
"I know! It's Virg."
  After two more seconds of silence the entire community erupted in
laughter.
  The young girl blushed but nevertheless continued, "Of course!...
We all know it was Virg 'n Mary.



  "I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed 
woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during
your sermon."
  "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
  "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. 
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."



  An elderly woman, who lived just a block from the church, never 
missed a Sunday service for most of her life.  Each week, as she 
greeted the pastor after church, she would always say, "Reverend, 
that was a wonderful sermon. THEY really needed that!"
  One cold winter day, after a heavy snowfall with most of the town
buried in deep drifts, she was the only one who showed up for church.
The pastor decided that he would take advantage of the situation by
preaching a sermon on the evils of being self-righteous and
hypocritical.
  As she left the church, the woman greeted the pastor as usual and
exclaimed, "Reverend, that was one of the best sermons you ever
preached.  It was really great.  If THEY had been here, THEY really
would have needed that!"



  Word was quickly spreading throughout town regarding the new priest
at St. Mathew's Church.  Rumor had it that this man could really deliver
an old fashioned "fire and brimstone" sermon. I decided to attend a 
service to see for myself what all the excitement was about.
  Here is what I witnessed:
  This man is impressive.  He captivates his audience and delivers a
great spiel, the highlight being when he threw his arms up towards the
heavens and in a beautiful baritone voice exclaimed, "And fire came from
heaven", Incredibly enough, small flames could be seen twirling down
from the heights of the ceiling.  The congregation became mesmerized,
but I, in my usual skepticism, peered towards the ceiling looking for
the means this priest was using to thrust the treachery upon us.  I did
not see anything unusual. The next Sunday I felt compelled to return to
St. Mathew's for mass. Once again the priest put on an incredible show
for all to witness, then suddenly threw his arms towards the heavens and
exclaimed,
  "And fire came from heaven"
  Nothing happened, and he spoke louder this time,
  "And Fire Came From Heaven"
  Still nothing, the priest now looking embarrassed and impatient
screamed, "AND FIRE ...  CAME FROM HEAVEN"
  Suddenly a parrot, (I believe) stuck his head through a small hole 
and yelled into the church, "Sorry, cat pissed on the matches!"




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