"Water into Wine' and 'Loaves and Fishes' were pretty good, but 'Oregano into Primo Mexican Weed' was truly impressive." - Top miracle not mentioned in the Bible. "The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible." Mark Twain. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they are cramming for their finals !" When was radio first mentioned in the Bible? When God took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker. The Bible says you can fit 12 men in a Honda... All the disciples were in one Accord. Why is a vegetarian mathematician always a good Christian? Because in the Bible it says "be fruitful and multiply" Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's daughter went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? Ruthless. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson brought the house down. Which servant of Jehovah was the most proficient lawbreaker in the Bible? Moses broke all ten commandments at once. Where is the first tennis match in the Bible? Joseph served in Pharaoh's court. Where is the first recorded Biblical case of constipation? In Kings where it says that David sat on the throne for forty years. Which Bible character had no parents? Joshua was the son of Nun. Which stretches more, skin or elastic? Skin. It says in the Bible that Abraham tied his ass to a tree and walked 40 miles. A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!" A little boy comes in and says to his mother, "Is it true that we come from dust and return to dust?" "That's what the Bible says," she answered. "Well, somebody is either coming or going under my bed," he said. They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read: "Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone- Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C. All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental. WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question. NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstruel happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over. DSBN 0-000000-0000-1 Suggested retail: 1 sheep." Biblical Bumper Stickers Adam: "You are what you eat." Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother." Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. " Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water." Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land." Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Balaam: "My second donkey talks!" At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years" At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding" Ole and Sven had been running a dray service for three decades when their dray beast died and they had to bury him. They decided to bury him on the riverbank where they'd always stopped to eat their lunch. The Main Avenue bridge passed almost overhead. While they were digging the grave, they remembered the good old days, and funny incidents about the beast. "Best donkey we ever had," mused Ole. "Yeah, sure, you betcha," said Sven, "but he was a burro." The argument heated up, and they came to blows, beating one another with harness, tack, and shovels. Their pastor happened across the bridge. "Here now, then, what's the problem, boys?" "Ole says old Jack, here, was a donkey," said Sven. "I say he was a burro. Who's right?" "Well," mused pastor Oleson, "the Bible always refers to that beast as an 'ass'." "Oh, yah," said Ole. "Oh, yah," said Sven. They returned to their digging. A bit later, Lars happened across the bridge. "Say, what you boys digging," he asked, "a foxhole?" Ole looked up at him. "Not according to the Scriptures, it's not." The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young. Now, a decade or so later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild. Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves. Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand; but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry: "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?" There's a fair bit about constipation in the Bible, as the following ancient church summer camp ditty demonstrates: There were five, five constipated men in the Bible, in the Bible. Now the first, first, constipated man was Cain, who was not Abel. Now the second, second, constipated man was Moses, who took two tablets. Now the third, third, constipated man was Balaam, who had a stubborn ass. Now the fourth, fourth, constipated man was Samson, who brought the house down. Now the fifth, fifth, constipated man was David, who sat for forty years. A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the word Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what the word Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does it mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth." A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament Book of Jonah to her class: And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying, 'I called to the Lord out of my distress and He answered me. And the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land. When she had finished reading, the teacher said, Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us Mark, a ten-year-old, shouted out, You can't keep a good man down! There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then I guess, you can ask him," replied the lady. A lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she held up a hand and yelled out, "ACTS 2:38 !!!" The burglar suddenly quaked in fear and then froze with his hands in the air. The woman quickly called 911 for the police. When the cops arrived, the burglar was still frozen in place. The police were very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could so terrorize a clearly hardened criminal. One of them asked the lady, "How did you do that?" The woman replied, "I quoted scripture." Bewildered, the cop turned to the burglar. "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?" The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two .38's!" One of the mysteries of the Bible is God's testing of Job. He took everything away from the poor guy but his wife. For years, scholars have debated why. Seems to me it's rather simple actually. After God finished the testing of Job, He returned twice what He had taken away. If He had taken Job's wife, that means God would've had to give him back two wives. Not even God would have inflicted such a severe penalty on Job after all he'd been through. A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. [Revelations 3:20: Behold, I stand at he door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.] The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10". [Genesis 3:10: I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.] At the church Sunday School Ms. Johnson, the new teacher, had just finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Ms. Johnson," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figure out." "What's that Joey?" asked the teacher. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin' all that time?" A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Priest to seek his advice. He tells the Priest about all of his problems in the business and asks the Priest what he should do. The Priest says, "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Priest. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Priest a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Priest for his wonderful advice. The Priest is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies, "Chapter 11." A lawyer was on his death-bed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible. "What are you doing?" the visitor asked. The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes." PSALM 23 The Lord and I are in a shepherd/sheep situation. I am in a position of negative need. He prostrates me in a green belt grazing area; he conducts me directionally parallel to a torrential aqueous liquid. He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological make-up; he switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximum prestige of his identity. It should be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the umbrageous interhill mortality slot, terror sensations will not be instantiated in me due to para ethical phenomena. You pastoral walking aid and quadruped pick up unit introduce me to pleasurific mood state. You design and produce a nutrient bearing furniture type structure in the context of non co-operative elements; you act out a head related folk ritual employing vegetable extract by beverage utensil experiences in a volume crisis. It is an ongoing deducible fact that your interrelation emphatic and non vengeance capabilities will retain me as their target focus for the duration of my non-death period. I will possess tenant rights in the house of the Lord on a permanently open ended time basis. A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." GREAT SAYINGS OF BIBLICAL MOTHERS Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8) David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons! Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper! Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace! Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day! Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays! Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11) James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark3:17) Judas! Have you been in my purse again?! Jesus, close the door! What do you think, you were born in a barn? The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. "Then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar." "He had them do this four times." "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl raised her hand with great enthusiasm and said, "To make the gravy." Christians believe the Bible is a resource for all ages. However a few Churches in Columbia, Maryland, have updated "The Beatitudes" originally presented at the "Sermon on the Mount" (Matthew 5: 1-11) Blessed are the poor in spirit, they are rife consumers for all manner of inspirational products and fair game for the tele-evangelists/marketers Blessed are those who mourn, for they too shall spend great sums with regard to various memorials, remembrances and all manner of laminated items. Forget them not on the anniversary of their sorrow; for what profit it a man not to follow-up initial sales and thus forego many years of future purchases Blessed are the meek, they complain not concerning low wages or poor working conditions; neither shall they raise their voices in protest over shoddy workmanship or substandard products Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are following their "low fat" diets in strict accordance with their physician's wishes Blessed are the merciful, for they shall forgive your sexual harassment and file not a discrimination suit; neither shall they contact the EEO or ACLU, nor congregate in demonstrations and protests Blessed are the pure in heart, for surely, their cholesterol shall be the lowest in the land; neither shall their arteries clog. Strike fear into their minds, then they will purchase all manner of drugs, herbs and potions so they may maintain their purity Blessed are the peacemakers, for the profits from "peace-keeping" armaments shall be ten-fold that of those gun merchants who would wage war Blessed are those who are persecuted, their names shall be entered in nomination for political office and even the least among them shall be appointed to positions of authority Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you, for you shall be known as President of the United States, or some governor thereof, whereas citizens of other lands shall be known as despots Rejoice and be glad, for verily I say unto you -- the Consumer Confidence Index is at an all time high; tax surpluses are everywhere, as far as the eye can see; unemployment is at an all time low and the stock markets are as high as the interest rates are low; again, I say "Rejoice" Your reward is great in Heaven ... be ever mindful of the fact that the keepers of the records are compounding daily the interest on the treasures you have stored there It is no longer good for anything to be thrown out, be joyful concerning the money-making opportunities in the recycling fervor sweeping all mankind Let your light so shine before men, this I say unto you, even if you should fail to become a leading merchant among men with profit-margins unforeseen, there is untold wealth and fame for a great multitude of financial advisors, consultants and tax experts. Some verses I found in the Bible relating to computer science: And thou shalt make loops... (Exodus 24:6) Fifty loops thou shalt make. (Exodus 24:7) But let your communication be Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil (Matthew 5:37) And rest the trees of the forest shall be few, that a child may write them. (Isaiah 10:19) What is the vine tree more than any tree, or than a branch which is among the trees of the forest? (Ezekiel 15:2) Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned answered the man of God, and said, Behold, if the LORD would make Windows in Heaven, might this thing be? And he said, Behold, thou shalt see it with thine eyes, but thou shalt not eat thereof. (2 Kings 7:2) And I will make windows of agates [a Gates]... (Isaiah 54:12) For death is come up into our windows, and it is entered into our palaces, to cut off the children from the without, and the young men from the streets. (Jeremiah 9:21) And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. (Genesis 11:1) And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. (Genesis 11:6) Goto, let us go down, and confound their language. (Genesis 11:7) In those days it shall come to pass, that ten men shall take hold of all languages. (Zechariah 8:23) For then I will turn the people to a pure language. (Zephaniah 3:9) And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out daemons; they shall speak with new tongues. (Mark 16:17) What shall be given unto thee? Or what shall be done unto thee, thou false tongue? (Psalm 120:3) For he that speaketh in an unknown tongue speaketh not unto men. (1 Corinthians 14:2) The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. (Proverbs 15:2) I speak with tongues more than ye all. (1 Corinthians 14:18) I would that ye all spake with tongues, but rather that ye prophesied [programmed]: for greater is he that prophesieth [programeth] that he that speaketh with tongues, except that he interpret [translate]. (1 Corinthians 14:5) Thou child of the daemon, ... wilt thou not cease...? (Acts 13:10) And in the process of time [crond] it came to pass. (Genesis 4:3) The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. -- Jesus (Revelation 15?) THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Joshua: "Good Vibrations" Peter: "I'm Sorry" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy" BIBLE EXAM The following is said to be written by actual students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched." In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the MagnaCarta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St.John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head." Rev. W.O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the Southern Baptist Convention a few years ago. At the annual free breakfast for retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited his own version of the parable of the prodigal son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive:" "Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments. "'Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact. "Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. "Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors...' "But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. "But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile. "His foresighted father figured, 'Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude.'" This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!" The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!" "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!" As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!" At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!" At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles." "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a -a-abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to 'em?" RELIGION CORNER The first mention of __________ in the Bible: race fixing Jesus told Lazerous to "Come Fourth" Formula 1 Racing "All of Israel heard the roar of his Triumph" smoking "Sarah lit up on a camel" football Jesus going up for the cross sex "Jesus was Laid in the tomb" or Jesus going to Mount Olive laxatives "Moses took two tablets and went up on the mount" tennis "Joseph served on Pharaoh's court" motorcycles "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land" constipation Baalam's ass would not move drugs Mary Magdalen was stoned elasticity Jesus tying his ass to a tree and then walking 40 miles into the desert PMS Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem. I'll betcha didn't know that the car was first mentioned in the bible. In Genesis to be exact. I quoteth, "And God in HIS FURY, drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden" I know somewhere else in the New Testament it says something about the disciples leaving in their own ACCORD, but I'm not sure where. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel and the prodigal son came in last. In a recent major discovery, several sections of a previously unknown book of the Bible were discovered and translated. Here, in part, is the translation of the only known copy of the Book of Gaseous... "And it came to pass that the goat shepherd Gaseous had a vision. Whilst tending his flock, a thunderous roar filled the air, and dark clouds rolled in from the west. Gaseous fell to his knees and began to pray. The Lord's voice came from the clouds. 'Gaseous, you are to be a messenger of the Lord. Within all of my creatures lies fertile ground for evil spirits to develop. These evils must be expelled with great force, lest they manifest themselves into greater evil. Take it upon thee to spread the news across the land.' 'Yes, O Lord. Yet I do not understand the way in which we shall rid ourselves of the spirits. I pray thee, show me the way O Lord, that I may sing thy Word to all people.' A large bush suddenly sprang from the ground before Gaseous. On the bush hung large ripe beans. 'Partake of these beans. Return here tomorrow and I shall show thee the way.' Upon this Word, Gaseous ate the beans. That night a vision came to gaseous in his dream. A great wind erupted, and evil spirits were swept from the land. Angels appeared and sang a hymn: 'Behold thine Lords Magical Fruit The more thine eats The more thine toots' Upon waking, Gaseous returned to the Bean Bush. The Lord appeared before him. 'Take these Magical Beans and plant them across the land. All who eat of these shall be expelled of evil spirits. Read to them these commandments' A large tablet appeared, and the Lord vanished. Gaseous trembled in fear. Suddenly he passed an evil wind and his fear was gone. 'I smell the foul stench of Lucifer. I must spread this throughout the land' He gathered up the beans, and set out to spread the word of the Lord "Gaseous arrived in the town of Effluvium and stood amongst its people. He placed a bean in the ground and from it sprung a large bush. 'The Lord hath spoken unto me and I am to spread his word' He told of his visions, and all who heard ate of the beans. He raised the tablet over his head and proclaimed. "Blessed is thee, O Lord, for this is your word. Upon the expelling of evil spirits, thou shalt warn others of the presence of evil, that they may escape the spirits wrath. Thou shalt not expel evil spirits near fire, for the spirits may raise up and attack at thee. Thou shalt not withhold from expelling evil spirits for this allows them to grow stronger and thus become harder to pass. Thine animals may also have evil spirits, and thus shall not be mistreated for ridding of them. Thou shalt know the difference between riding of evil spirits and relieving thee, or face embarrassing punishments. Thou shalt not pass gas indoors, for this allows the evil to linger and grab hold of others. Should thee need to rid of spirits indoors, thou shalt blame thyself and not the animals. Thou shalt know that evil spirits can remain in thy clothes, so cleans frequently. There are many spirits in many forms. Fear not of ridding that which is good. Forgive those who rid of evil in your presence, for they must relieve themselves of the foul winds. This is the word of the Lord" A great wind arose from within Gaseous, and all the town could smell the Evil. They prayed for forgiveness and soon were relieved of their evil. D y n a m i c D e i t y M a n a g e m e n t L t d . ========================================================= Date :- 3rd May 0023 TO: Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers). 13a Sandy Wasteland Square, Just Next to the Pizza Hut, Judea. Dear Sirs, It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realize, be entirely unauthorized and if it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority. However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions: 1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'. 2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you utilize the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realizes that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating the credibility of the average religious zealot. 3. That all references to the incident involving the members of members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be excised forthwith. 4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large cast. 5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.' 6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should on no account be discussed. 7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed or at least modified. As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'. Yours sincerely. Adam G Smith. pp Jesus H Christ. |
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