Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic
Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his advisor, "in her biology class."
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleus
In neurobiology lecture today, the professor mentioned that much
of the data we were seeing was culled from studies of leeches.
He said, "Now, a lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures.
The people working with these creatures are quite fond of them,
however. It is also reported that the leeches often become attached
to the researchers."
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
THE HARVARD LAW OF BIOLOGY
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism
will do as it damn well pleases.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon?
He caught the garter snake.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association
What did the antibody go to the Halloween costume party as?
As an "immunogobulin"
How do you tell the sex of chromosome?
Pull down it's genes
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?
I like your "style"
Scientifically, maybe body cells do replace themselves
completely in seven years but, legally, you're still married.
These two positive-strain E-Coli go into a bar. The first one
says, "I'm so thirsty I could suck the cytoplasm off a Bacillis
Anthrax' pilli!" and the second one says, "Moooo!!!"
The subtle irony of a neurotoxin like acrylamide is that you are
the last one to realize that you should have worn gloves.
Something tells me that no matter how good a series of experiments
on reproductive technologies, the paper written about the work will
never be described as seminal.
A biology professor was addressing his class, wanting to see if
they'd read the assigned text. He asked Miss Smith to stand.
She does.
Professor: Miss Smith, what part of the human body increases ten
times when excited?
Miss Smith blushes and hesitates and giggles.
Proessor: Miss Smith, please sit down. Miss Jones, please stand
and tell me if you know what part of the human body
increases ten times when excited.
Miss Jones: Yes, Professor. It's the pupil of the eye.
Professor: Very good. Thank you Miss Jones, you may sit down.
Miss Smith, will you please stand again. (She does)
I have three things to say to you.
1. You have not done your homework
2. You have a very dirty mind.
3. You're in for a big disappointment.
Dear Dr. Science:
In order for people to have babies, the female egg has to be
fertilized by the male sperm. How does the sperm get to the egg?
"It hitchhikes. There are small arteries (or highways if you will)
in the man's urethra. Small foreign bodies (or cars, if you will)
pull over and pick up these little spermatozoans (Latin for 'tiny
hitchhikers') then drive over the speed limit as fast as possible
before the natural acids in a woman's body (the highway patrol, if
you will) pull the sperm over reckless driving. ONce they get to
the ovum (Latin for garage) they get out of the car, turn out the
lights, lock up, take off their shoes and watch TV until they fall
asleep. This is where babies come from: small suburban ranch-style
homes hidden deep in a woman's body.
I hope I've answered your question.
Good luck on your date tonight."
DR. NOAH BUDDY'S HANDY REFERENCE GUIDE TO SCIENTIFIC TERMINOLOGY
Aminoacyl
An -NH/sub2 that's a real jerk
Apical membrane
That green bumpy stuff on the outside of a baby dill
Asymmetry
Where you bury dead people
Beta-sheet
Linen you only bring out for company
CA/sup{2+} channel
The all-milk TV station
Chemotaxis
A cab which provides drug therapy
Detergents
What women do when telling a guy to take a hike
Diglyceride
what you scream out when trying to kill a glyceride
Hippocampus
where hippos go to university.
Microtome
An itty bitty book
Pachytene
Adolescent elephants
Plastid
Drunk
Prokaryote
In favour of take-out food
Redox
Rusty cattle
Taxol
Liberal plan for increasing revenue
Stereochemistry
having the correct speakers for your CD player
Free Radical
a political movement
Propane
sadomasochistic tendencies
Grignard
a three foot mile
Periodic Acid
sometimes it is and sometimes it ain't
Biotin
how much coffee you purchase
Prostate
when you want FSU to beat U.Florida in football
Helminth
what the hockeyplayers wear on their heads, thilly
IL-2
me also
Homology
the study of real estate
Membrane
the opposite of forgettin'
Synapse
what you have after horizontal recreation
Phorbol
why the batter took first base
PIP2
finding your boss at the next urinal
Micellar
where I stayed when the tornado hit
Palmitoyl
what your hands secrete when you're nervous
Polar Head Group
Inuit psychiatrists
Amphipathic
the ability to hike both ways
Bilayer
yeah, like, I'm gonna touch that one
Lecithin
fatter
Porin
what it is when it's rainin'
Schiff Base
stealing second
Ionophore
where I ended when I fell
Hydrophobic
fear of your electricity bill
Deoxycholate
countin' the oxen
Sulfatide
the effect of a moon on Venusian oceans
Placenta
Act III of V
Allantois
how we found out what Allan knew
Neural Crest
an oral hygiene product for the brain
Trophectoderm
the outer layer of the Stanley Cup
Spermatagonia
the reproductive area in South America
Oogonia
the clumsy area of South America
Oviposition
your opinion on whether one can eat eggs and still
be a vegetarian
Uturus
the question of whether you're a native of a visitor
Amoebaes
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Ameoba vaulting a high fence
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Ameoba with a bakers hat
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Ameoba with a broken leg
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Ameoba with a flashlight
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Ameoba with a French Horn
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Ameoba wearing antlers
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Ameoba with a rifle
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Ameoba with an umbrella
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Ameoba with a bow and arrow
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Ameoba with flat feet
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o=o
Ameoba skateboarding
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Ameobas having a conversation
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Ameobas in a parade
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Ameoba balancing act
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Ameobas on a see-saw
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Confused ameoba
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Shocked ameoba
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Bodybuilding ameoba
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Bodybuilding ameoba on steroids
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Ameoba disguised as a full stop
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Ameoba hiding behind a full stop
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Full stop disguised as an ameoba
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Ameoba with a megaphone
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Ameoba waiting for the bus
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Ameoba goalkeeper
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Ameoba with glasses
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Squashed ameoba
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Ameoba hiding behind a chair
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Stretched ameoba
-.-
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Ameoba on the high wire
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Ameoba juggling
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Ameoba hiding behind a haystack
&.
Ameoba with a party blower
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Ameobas in a queue
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Ameoba with chopsticks
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Ameoba with large eyebrows
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Ameoba with wig blowing away in the wind
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Ameoba vampire bat
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Ameoba with a satellite dish
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Ameoba watching TV
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amoeba watching Playboy Channel
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Ameoba with a boomerang
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Two ameobas carrying a log
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Ameoba tossing the caber
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Clockwork ameoba
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Speaking ameoba
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Ameoba octopus
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Sleeping ameoba
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Ameoba with pom-poms
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