Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic
Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his advisor, "in her biology class."
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
In neurobiology lecture today, the professor mentioned that much
of the data we were seeing was culled from studies of leeches.
He said, "Now, a lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures.
The people working with these creatures are quite fond of them,
however. It is also reported that the leeches often become attached
to the researchers."
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
THE HARVARD LAW OF BIOLOGY
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism
will do as it damn well pleases.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon?
He caught the garter snake.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association
What did the antibody go to the Halloween costume party as?
As an "immunogobulin"
How do you tell the sex of chromosome?
Pull down it's genes
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?
I like your "style"
Scientifically, maybe body cells do replace themselves
completely in seven years but, legally, you're still married.
These two positive-strain E-Coli go into a bar. The first one
says, "I'm so thirsty I could suck the cytoplasm off a Bacillis
Anthrax' pilli!" and the second one says, "Moooo!!!"
The subtle irony of a neurotoxin like acrylamide is that you are
the last one to realize that you should have worn gloves.
Something tells me that no matter how good a series of experiments
on reproductive technologies, the paper written about the work will
never be described as seminal.
A biology professor was addressing his class, wanting to see if
they'd read the assigned text. He asked Miss Smith to stand.
Professor: Miss Smith, what part of the human body increases ten
times when excited?
Miss Smith blushes and hesitates and giggles.
Proessor: Miss Smith, please sit down. Miss Jones, please stand
and tell me if you know what part of the human body
increases ten times when excited.
Miss Jones: Yes, Professor. It's the pupil of the eye.
Professor: Very good. Thank you Miss Jones, you may sit down.
Miss Smith, will you please stand again. (She does)
I have three things to say to you.
1. You have not done your homework
2. You have a very dirty mind.
3. You're in for a big disappointment.
Dear Dr. Science:
In order for people to have babies, the female egg has to be
fertilized by the male sperm. How does the sperm get to the egg?
"It hitchhikes. There are small arteries (or highways if you will)
in the man's urethra. Small foreign bodies (or cars, if you will)
pull over and pick up these little spermatozoans (Latin for 'tiny
hitchhikers') then drive over the speed limit as fast as possible
before the natural acids in a woman's body (the highway patrol, if
you will) pull the sperm over reckless driving. ONce they get to
the ovum (Latin for garage) they get out of the car, turn out the
lights, lock up, take off their shoes and watch TV until they fall
asleep. This is where babies come from: small suburban ranch-style
homes hidden deep in a woman's body.
I hope I've answered your question.
Good luck on your date tonight."
DR. NOAH BUDDY'S HANDY REFERENCE GUIDE TO SCIENTIFIC TERMINOLOGY
An -NH/sub2 that's a real jerk
That green bumpy stuff on the outside of a baby dill
Where you bury dead people
Linen you only bring out for company
The all-milk TV station
A cab which provides drug therapy
What women do when telling a guy to take a hike
what you scream out when trying to kill a glyceride
where hippos go to university.
An itty bitty book
In favour of take-out food
Liberal plan for increasing revenue
having the correct speakers for your CD player
a political movement
a three foot mile
sometimes it is and sometimes it ain't
how much coffee you purchase
when you want FSU to beat U.Florida in football
what the hockeyplayers wear on their heads, thilly
the study of real estate
the opposite of forgettin'
what you have after horizontal recreation
why the batter took first base
finding your boss at the next urinal
where I stayed when the tornado hit
what your hands secrete when you're nervous
Polar Head Group
the ability to hike both ways
yeah, like, I'm gonna touch that one
what it is when it's rainin'
where I ended when I fell
fear of your electricity bill
countin' the oxen
the effect of a moon on Venusian oceans
Act III of V
how we found out what Allan knew
an oral hygiene product for the brain
the outer layer of the Stanley Cup
the reproductive area in South America
the clumsy area of South America
your opinion on whether one can eat eggs and still
be a vegetarian
the question of whether you're a native of a visitor
Ameoba vaulting a high fence
Ameoba with a bakers hat
Ameoba with a broken leg
Ameoba with a flashlight
Ameoba with a French Horn
Ameoba wearing antlers
Ameoba with a rifle
Ameoba with an umbrella
Ameoba with a bow and arrow
Ameoba with flat feet
Ameobas having a conversation
Ameobas in a parade
Ameoba balancing act
Ameobas on a see-saw
Bodybuilding ameoba on steroids
Ameoba disguised as a full stop
Ameoba hiding behind a full stop
Full stop disguised as an ameoba
Ameoba with a megaphone
Ameoba waiting for the bus
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Ameoba with glasses
Ameoba hiding behind a chair
Ameoba on the high wire
Ameoba hiding behind a haystack
Ameoba with a party blower
Ameobas in a queue
Ameoba with chopsticks
Ameoba with large eyebrows
Ameoba with wig blowing away in the wind
Ameoba vampire bat
Ameoba with a satellite dish
Ameoba watching TV
amoeba watching Playboy Channel
Ameoba with a boomerang
Two ameobas carrying a log
Ameoba tossing the caber
Ameoba with pom-poms