Biology Jokes

Biology Jokes



Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.



  A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic
Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl 
who will want to know everything about you."
  The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
  "No," says his advisor, "in her biology class." 



What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleus



  In neurobiology lecture today, the professor mentioned that much 
of the data we were seeing was culled from studies of leeches.
  He said, "Now, a lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures.
The people working with these creatures are quite fond of them, 
however. It is also reported that the leeches often become attached 
to the researchers."



Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?



THE HARVARD LAW OF BIOLOGY
  Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism 
will do as it damn well pleases.



How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon?
He caught the garter snake.



What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association



What did the antibody go to the Halloween costume party as?
As an "immunogobulin"



How do you tell the sex of chromosome?
Pull down it's genes



What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?
I like your "style"


  Scientifically, maybe body cells do replace themselves 
completely in seven years but, legally, you're still married.


  These two positive-strain E-Coli go into a bar. The first one 
says, "I'm so thirsty I could suck the cytoplasm off a Bacillis 
Anthrax' pilli!" and the second one says, "Moooo!!!"


  The subtle irony of a neurotoxin like acrylamide is that you are 
the last one to realize that you should have worn gloves.



  Something tells me that no matter how good a series of experiments
on reproductive technologies, the paper written about the work will 
never be described as seminal.



  A biology professor was addressing his class, wanting to see if
they'd read the assigned text.  He asked Miss Smith to stand.
  She does. 
Professor: Miss Smith, what part of the human body increases ten 
           times when excited?
Miss Smith blushes and hesitates and giggles.
 Proessor:  Miss Smith, please sit down.  Miss Jones, please stand 
           and tell me if you know what part of the human body 
           increases ten times when excited.
Miss Jones: Yes, Professor.  It's the pupil of the eye.
Professor: Very good.  Thank you Miss Jones, you may sit down.  
           Miss Smith, will you please stand again.  (She does)
           I have three things to say to you.
  1. You have not done your homework
  2. You have a very dirty mind.
  3. You're in for a big disappointment.



Dear Dr. Science: 
  In order for people to have babies, the female egg has to be 
fertilized by the male sperm.  How does the sperm get to the egg?
  
  "It hitchhikes.  There are small arteries (or highways if you will)
in the man's urethra.  Small foreign bodies (or cars, if you will) 
pull over and pick up these little spermatozoans (Latin for 'tiny 
hitchhikers') then drive over the speed limit as fast as possible 
before the natural acids in a woman's body (the highway patrol, if
you will) pull the sperm over reckless driving. ONce they get to 
the ovum (Latin for garage) they get out of the car, turn out the 
lights, lock up, take off their shoes and watch TV until they fall
asleep.  This is where babies come from: small suburban ranch-style
homes hidden deep in a woman's body.
  I hope I've answered your question.
  Good luck on your date tonight."



DR. NOAH BUDDY'S HANDY REFERENCE GUIDE TO SCIENTIFIC TERMINOLOGY

Aminoacyl
  An -NH/sub2 that's a real jerk

Apical membrane
  That green bumpy stuff on the outside of a baby dill

Asymmetry
  Where you bury dead people

Beta-sheet
  Linen you only bring out for company

CA/sup{2+} channel
  The all-milk TV station

Chemotaxis
  A cab which provides drug therapy

Detergents
  What women do when telling a guy to take a hike

Diglyceride
  what you scream out when trying to kill a glyceride

Hippocampus
  where hippos go to university.

Microtome
  An itty bitty book

Pachytene
  Adolescent elephants

Plastid
  Drunk

Prokaryote
  In favour of take-out food

Redox
  Rusty cattle

Taxol
  Liberal plan for increasing revenue

Stereochemistry
  having the correct speakers for your CD player

Free Radical
  a political movement

Propane
  sadomasochistic tendencies

Grignard
  a three foot mile

Periodic Acid
  sometimes it is and sometimes it ain't

Biotin
  how much coffee you purchase

Prostate
  when you want FSU to beat U.Florida in football

Helminth
  what the hockeyplayers wear on their heads, thilly

IL-2
  me also

Homology
  the study of real estate

Membrane
  the opposite of forgettin'

Synapse
  what you have after horizontal recreation

Phorbol
  why the batter took first base

PIP2
  finding your boss at the next urinal

Micellar
  where I stayed when the tornado hit

Palmitoyl
  what your hands secrete when you're nervous

Polar Head Group
  Inuit psychiatrists

Amphipathic
  the ability to hike both ways

Bilayer
  yeah, like, I'm gonna touch that one

Lecithin
  fatter

Porin
  what it is when it's rainin'

Schiff Base
  stealing second

Ionophore
  where I ended when I fell

Hydrophobic
  fear of your electricity bill

Deoxycholate
  countin' the oxen

Sulfatide
  the effect of a moon on Venusian oceans

Placenta
  Act III of V

Allantois
  how we found out what Allan knew

Neural Crest
  an oral hygiene product for the brain

Trophectoderm
  the outer layer of the Stanley Cup

Spermatagonia
  the reproductive area in South America

Oogonia
  the clumsy area of South America

Oviposition
  your opinion on whether one can eat eggs and still
be a vegetarian

Uturus
  the question of whether you're a native of a visitor



Amoebaes 


    |
./  |
  
Ameoba vaulting a high fence

 
!
  
Ameoba with a bakers hat
 
  
,
  
Ameoba with a broken leg
  
   
*.
  
Ameoba with a flashlight
  
  
@.
 
Ameoba with a French Horn
  
  
(.)
  
Ameoba wearing antlers
  
  
.-
  
Ameoba with a rifle
  
  
?
  
Ameoba with an umbrella
  
  
.}
  
Ameoba with a bow and arrow

  
_._
  
Ameoba with flat feet
  
  
.
o=o
  
Ameoba skateboarding
  
  
.. 

Ameobas having a conversation
  
  
:::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::
  
Ameobas in a parade
 
  
:
:
  
Ameoba balancing act
  
 
%
  
Ameobas on a see-saw
  
  
.?
  
Confused ameoba
  

.!
  
Shocked ameoba
  
  
o
  
Bodybuilding ameoba

  
O
  
Bodybuilding ameoba on steroids
  
.
  
Ameoba disguised as a full stop 
  
.
  
Ameoba hiding behind a full stop
    
.
 
Full stop disguised as an ameoba

    
.<
  
Ameoba with a megaphone
  
 o
.|
  
Ameoba waiting for the bus
  
_____
|  .  |
  
Ameoba goalkeeper
  
 
o.o
  
Ameoba with glasses
  
  
_
  
Squashed ameoba
  
  
.h
  
Ameoba hiding behind a chair
  
	  
|
  
Stretched ameoba
  
  
-.-
-------------------
  
Ameoba on the high wire


 o
o  o
 .
  
Ameoba juggling
  
  
.#
  
Ameoba hiding behind a haystack
  
  
&.
  
Ameoba with a party blower
 
 
.........
  
Ameobas in a queue
  
  
\./
  
Ameoba with chopsticks
     
    
"."
  
Ameoba with large eyebrows
  
  
.?
  
Ameoba with wig blowing away in the wind
  
  
?.?
  
Ameoba vampire bat
  
  
.(
  
Ameoba with a satellite dish

  
   \/
. [__]
  
Ameoba watching TV
  
  
    \/
./ [__]

amoeba watching Playboy Channel


.>
  
Ameoba with a boomerang
  
  
.-.
  
Two ameobas carrying a log
  
  
.|
  
Ameoba tossing the caber
  
  
.-8
  
Clockwork ameoba
 
  
e.
  
Speaking ameoba
  
  
*
  
Ameoba octopus
  
  
.z
  
Sleeping ameoba
  

*.*
  
Ameoba with pom-poms




View Stats
Yinga.net Free Counters!