Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What element do women use to get dates?
Tellurium
What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by
her in his sports car?
Radon baby!
What does the surgeon do for low cheeks?
Lithium.
To large gashes?
Sodium.
Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln.
What's IOAg.
I O Silver.
Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny.
And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall.
Where does one put the dishes?
Zinc
What does one do if one can't zwim?
Zinc
Name BaNa2.
banana
How do you get lean molecules?
Feed them titrations.
PhD
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PhD Para - Doc's (can draw ortho - doc's as well)
HiHoAg hi ho silver!!!
CH3-__ __ __ __ - CH3
/ \ / \ / \ / \
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\ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/
/ \ / \ / \ / \
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CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3
Tetramethylchickenwire
o o o
H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\
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/ \/ \/ \
A propyl people ether!
Fe - Fe
/ \
Fe Fe
\ /
Fe - Fe
Ferrous Wheel
PhD
| PhD
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| O |
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Orthodox (ortho - Doc's)
MD
I
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| O | Metaphysicians
\ /\
MD
4
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| O |__4
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Metaphor (meta - 4)
O-R-NMe2
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I O a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether
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NaCl(aq) NaCl(aq)
C C C C C C C
Answer: (In a sing-song voice)
"Saline, saline, over the seven C's")
/|\\
/ | \\
/ | \\
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|| / \ |
\/ \//
\ //
\ //
or
___ ___
// \\ Pyrole // \\ Azole
\ O / \ N /
___ ___
// \\ Thiole // \\ Arsole
\ S / \ As /
Hear about the biochemist, currently
working on developing a male contraceptive. N O
(No luck so far) \__/
Years ago he came up with a benzine ring O_/ \_
with alternating Nitrogen and Oxygen atoms. \__/ N
It is called "Nosexatol" or simply "NoNoNo" / \
N O
From way down in my cranium
This prediction I will make:
That if you eat uranium,
You'll get atomic ache.
In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very
white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarises all elements
that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts
only morons.
Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes
a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid.
Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks.
Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium Nt
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge.
Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.
Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion
and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you
do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable,
and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can
reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.
THE CHEMIST'S RECIPIE FOR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
The following recipie for chocolate chip cookies recently
appeared in Chemical & Engineering News.
It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp.
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protien
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one,
two, and three with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller
operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until
the mixture is homogeneous.
To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the
homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten
slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point
in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the
result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for
a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first
order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C
heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other
and says, "Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
SUBATOMIC PARTICLE STORE
The subatomic particle store had a sale last week.
Electrons: $0.10
Protons : $0.10
Neutrons : free of charge
Sex Life of an Electron
Once upon a time there lived a young electron called Micro
Farad. One night young Micro Farad was feeling pretty highly
charged; so he decided to find a cute coil to help him discharge
his potential. He went round to Millie Amp's flat, put her on
his pick-up and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode
across a wheatstone bridge and stopped at a magnetic field by a
flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's
characteristic curves soon had her fully charged and excited,
and her resistance dropped to its minimum value. He then took
out his tension probe and inserted it into her socket,
connecting them in parallel, and began short circuiting her
shunt using maxwell's corkscrew rule. Fully excited Millie Amp
began moaning, " Mho, mho, give me mho ". With Micro's discharge
tube operating at maximum current flow, Millie soon reached her
peak level. The excessive current overheated her shunt and she
lost all her electrons. They fluxed all night, trying various
connections until Micro's magnet had a soft iron core and lost
its field strength. At a square wave length from Micro, Millie
tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. Meanwhile with
the battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his
field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity
and blowing each other's fuses.
Q: What is this molecule: H3NCONH3?
(Numbers are meant to be subscripts)
A: Urea.
Q: What is this molecule: H3NCONH2-H2NCONH3?
A: Diurea.
The tune is that of The Major-General's Song,
from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates Of Penzance.
There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.
There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
There's strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.
[Isn't that interesting?
I knew you would.
I hope you're all taking notes, because there's going
to be a short quiz next period...]
There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium.
And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.
There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium,
And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.
These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
And there may be many others but they haven't been discovered.
CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas,
The lab was quite still;
Not a Bunsen was burning
(Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
In their racks with great care,
In hopes Father Chemistry
Soon would be there.
The students were sleeping
So sound in their dorms,
All dreaming of fluids
And Crystalline forms.
Lab-Aids in their aprons
And I in my smock.
When outside the lab
There arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
And fell flat on the floor.
Out ot the fire escape
All of us flew.
What was the commotion?
Not one of knew.
The flood-lights shone out
O're the campus so bright
It looked like old Stockholm
On Nobel Prize Night.
My fume-blinded eyes
Then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling
A water-trough sleigh.
And holding the bonds
Tied to each one of them
Was a figure I knew
As our own Papa Chem.
With speeds in excess
Of most X-rays they came.
As they Dopplered along
He called each one by name.
"Now Nitrite, now Phosphate,
Now Borate, now Chloride
On Citrate, on Bromate,
On Sulfite and Oxide.
Forget what you know
Of that randomness stuff,
Let's go straight to that roof,
If you've quanta enough."
As fluids Bernoullian
Behave in a pinch,
Those ions said "Alchemist
This is a cinch."
So up to the lab-roof
Those "chargers" they sped
With Pop Chemistry safe
In his water-trough sled.
Just a microsec later
Electroscopes showed
Charged particles coming
To our lab abode
We raced back inside,
And what d'ya think?
Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,
Right into the sink.
He was dressed in a lab-coat,
Quite ragged and old,
With removable buttons
(The style, we're told)
A tray-full of beakers
He clutched to his heart--
And under his arm
Was an orbital chart.
His eyes through his goggles
I just couldn't see
His hands were all yellow
From H-N-O-3.
His head was quite bald
With a fringe all around
Like a ring test for iron,
That same shade of brown.
He puffed a cigar
With a smell not at all
Unlike the organic lab
Right down the hall.
The smoke billowed forth
From his angular face
And with Brownian Movement
Enveloped the place.
He was thin as a match
And not terribly tall
He wasn't the type
I'd expected at all
But a look at his clothes,
In the lab's harsh white light,
With their acid-burn holes--
He's a chemist all right!
He didn't say much
(He had no time to kill)
And filled all the test tubes
With nary a spill.
Then placing them bak
On the benches with care
He dashed to the fume-hood
And rose through the air.
He called to his team
And his ions took off
And kinetics took care
Of Pop Chem and his trough,
But I heard him cry out
As he flew down the street
"Merry Holidays to all!
May your stockrooms stay neat!"
Chemistry Carols (or CC's)
1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town
2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate
3. Silent Labs
4. Deck The Labs
5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry
6. Test Tubes Bubbling
7. Oh Little Melting Particle
8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen
9. Chemistry Wonderland
10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
11. O Come All Ye Gases
12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule
14. Lab Reports
15. Silver nitrate
1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town
You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.
Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
2. I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate
I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
just like the ones I used to make
Where the colors are vivid
and the chemist is livid
to see impurities in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
with every chemistry test I write
May your equations be balanced and right
and may all your reactions be bright.
3. Silent Labs
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.
4. Deck the Labs
Deck the labs with rubber tubing
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Use your funnel and your filter
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Before we go to our lab stations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fill the beakers with solutions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mix solutions for reactions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch we now for observations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So we can collect our data
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
5. The Twelve Days of Chemistry
On the first day of chemistry
My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.
(second day) two asbestos pads
(third day) three little beakers
(fourth day) four work sheets
(fifth day) five golden moles
(sixth day) six flaming test tubes
(seventh day) seven unknown samples
(eighth day) eight homework problems
(ninth day) nine grams of salt
(tenth day) a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz
6. Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")
Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
Will find it hard to be inert tonight.
They know that Chlorine's on its way
He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
To see if the teacher really can multiply.
And so I offer you this simple phrase
To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry molecules to you.
7. O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem")
Para Dichloro Benzene
how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
and what you get is ice.
8. We Wish You a Happy Halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.
Good acid we bring
to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
and a happy halogen.
9. Chemistry Wonderland
Gases explode, are you listenin'
In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
Gone away, is the buoyancy
Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
and decide if what's left is nitrate
My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"
Later on, as we calculate
the amount, of our nitrate
We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
walking in a chemistry wonderland.
10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.
And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.
11. O Come All Ye Gases
O Come all yea gases
diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
calls Avogadro.
O come yea in moles
6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.
12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
We three students of chemistry are
taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
worrying all the time.
O room of wonder
room of fright
Room of thermites
blinding light:
With your energies
please don't burn us
Help us get our labs all right.
13. Iron the Red Atom Molecule
(to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer")
There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine
Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine
But do you recall
the most famous element of all?
Iron the red atom molecule
had a very shiny orbital
And if you ever saw him
You'd enjoy his magnetic glow
All of the other molecules
used to laugh and call him Ferrum
They never let poor Iron
join in any reaction games.
Then one inert Chemistry eve
Santa came to say
Iron with your orbital so bright
won't you catalyze the reaction tonight?
Then how the atoms reacted
and combined in twos and threes
Iron the red atom molecule
you'll go down in Chemistry!
14. Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.
Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!
Chemistry test, chemistry test
isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.
15. Silver Nitrate
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")
Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
it's chemistry time in the lab
Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
soon it will be chemistry day.
Take your nitrate, in solution
Add your copper with style
In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions
silver forming, blue solution
Bringing ooh's ah's and wows
now the data procesing begins.
Get the mass, change to moles
what is the ratio with copper?
Write an equation, balance it
we're glad it's Chemistry Day.
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