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Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They're cheaper than day rates. What element do women use to get dates? Tellurium What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by her in his sports car? Radon baby! What does the surgeon do for low cheeks? Lithium. To large gashes? Sodium. Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln. What's IOAg. I O Silver. Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny. And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall. Where does one put the dishes? Zinc What does one do if one can't zwim? Zinc Name BaNa2. banana How do you get lean molecules? Feed them titrations. PhD | / \ | | \ / | PhD Para - Doc's (can draw ortho - doc's as well) HiHoAg hi ho silver!!! CH3-__ __ __ __ - CH3 / \ / \ / \ / \ | | | | | \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ / \ / \ / \ / \ | | | | | CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3 Tetramethylchickenwire o o o H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\ | | | / \/ \/ \ A propyl people ether! Fe - Fe / \ Fe Fe \ / Fe - Fe Ferrous Wheel PhD | PhD / \ / | O | \ / Orthodox (ortho - Doc's) MD I / \ | O | Metaphysicians \ /\ MD 4 | / \ | O |__4 \ / Metaphor (meta - 4) O-R-NMe2 | | / \ /\ / \/ \ I O a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether | --|-- | / \ NaCl(aq) NaCl(aq) C C C C C C C Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's") /|\\ / | \\ / | \\ || | | || | | || / \ | \/ \// \ // \ // or ___ ___ // \\ Pyrole // \\ Azole \ O / \ N / ___ ___ // \\ Thiole // \\ Arsole \ S / \ As / Hear about the biochemist, currently working on developing a male contraceptive. N O (No luck so far) \__/ Years ago he came up with a benzine ring O_/ \_ with alternating Nitrogen and Oxygen atoms. \__/ N It is called "Nosexatol" or simply "NoNoNo" / \ N O From way down in my cranium This prediction I will make: That if you eat uranium, You'll get atomic ache. In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch: Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarises all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons. Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water. Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron. Innofensium Pc Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose. Newtium Nt Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply. Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ain't. Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water. Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it. Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House. Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution. Snot Sn Bonds forever with corduroy. THE CHEMIST'S RECIPIE FOR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES The following recipie for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in Chemical & Engineering News. It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp. Ingredients: 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protien 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium. Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!" The other responds, "Are you sure?!?" "Yes, I'm positive!" A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" SUBATOMIC PARTICLE STORE The subatomic particle store had a sale last week. Electrons: $0.10 Protons : $0.10 Neutrons : free of charge Sex Life of an Electron Once upon a time there lived a young electron called Micro Farad. One night young Micro Farad was feeling pretty highly charged; so he decided to find a cute coil to help him discharge his potential. He went round to Millie Amp's flat, put her on his pick-up and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across a wheatstone bridge and stopped at a magnetic field by a flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curves soon had her fully charged and excited, and her resistance dropped to its minimum value. He then took out his tension probe and inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel, and began short circuiting her shunt using maxwell's corkscrew rule. Fully excited Millie Amp began moaning, " Mho, mho, give me mho ". With Micro's discharge tube operating at maximum current flow, Millie soon reached her peak level. The excessive current overheated her shunt and she lost all her electrons. They fluxed all night, trying various connections until Micro's magnet had a soft iron core and lost its field strength. At a square wave length from Micro, Millie tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. Meanwhile with the battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses. Q: What is this molecule: H3NCONH3? (Numbers are meant to be subscripts) A: Urea. Q: What is this molecule: H3NCONH2-H2NCONH3? A: Diurea. The tune is that of The Major-General's Song, from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates Of Penzance. There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium, And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium, And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium. There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium, And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium, There's strontium and silicon and silver and samarium, And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium. [Isn't that interesting? I knew you would. I hope you're all taking notes, because there's going to be a short quiz next period...] There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium, And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium, And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium, Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium. And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium, Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium, And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium. There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium, And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium, And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium, And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium. These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard, And there may be many others but they haven't been discovered. CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas, The lab was quite still; Not a Bunsen was burning (Nor had they the will). The test tubes were placed In their racks with great care, In hopes Father Chemistry Soon would be there. The students were sleeping So sound in their dorms, All dreaming of fluids And Crystalline forms. Lab-Aids in their aprons And I in my smock. When outside the lab There arose such a roar I leaped from my stool And fell flat on the floor. Out ot the fire escape All of us flew. What was the commotion? Not one of knew. The flood-lights shone out O're the campus so bright It looked like old Stockholm On Nobel Prize Night. My fume-blinded eyes Then viewed (dare I say?) Eight anions pulling A water-trough sleigh. And holding the bonds Tied to each one of them Was a figure I knew As our own Papa Chem. With speeds in excess Of most X-rays they came. As they Dopplered along He called each one by name. "Now Nitrite, now Phosphate, Now Borate, now Chloride On Citrate, on Bromate, On Sulfite and Oxide. Forget what you know Of that randomness stuff, Let's go straight to that roof, If you've quanta enough." As fluids Bernoullian Behave in a pinch, Those ions said "Alchemist This is a cinch." So up to the lab-roof Those "chargers" they sped With Pop Chemistry safe In his water-trough sled. Just a microsec later Electroscopes showed Charged particles coming To our lab abode We raced back inside, And what d'ya think? Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell, Right into the sink. He was dressed in a lab-coat, Quite ragged and old, With removable buttons (The style, we're told) A tray-full of beakers He clutched to his heart-- And under his arm Was an orbital chart. His eyes through his goggles I just couldn't see His hands were all yellow From H-N-O-3. His head was quite bald With a fringe all around Like a ring test for iron, That same shade of brown. He puffed a cigar With a smell not at all Unlike the organic lab Right down the hall. The smoke billowed forth From his angular face And with Brownian Movement Enveloped the place. He was thin as a match And not terribly tall He wasn't the type I'd expected at all But a look at his clothes, In the lab's harsh white light, With their acid-burn holes-- He's a chemist all right! He didn't say much (He had no time to kill) And filled all the test tubes With nary a spill. Then placing them bak On the benches with care He dashed to the fume-hood And rose through the air. He called to his team And his ions took off And kinetics took care Of Pop Chem and his trough, But I heard him cry out As he flew down the street "Merry Holidays to all! May your stockrooms stay neat!" Chemistry Carols (or CC's) 1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town 2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate 3. Silent Labs 4. Deck The Labs 5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry 6. Test Tubes Bubbling 7. Oh Little Melting Particle 8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen 9. Chemistry Wonderland 10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine 11. O Come All Ye Gases 12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are 13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule 14. Lab Reports 15. Silver nitrate 1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town You better not weigh You better not heat You better not react I'm telling you now The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town. He's collecting data He's checking it twice He's gonna find out The heat of melting ice The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town. He sees you when you're decanting He knows when you titrate He knows when you are safe or not So wear goggles for goodness sake. Oh, you better not filter And drink your filtrate You better not be careless and spill your precipitate. The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town. 2. I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate I'm dreaming of a white precipitate just like the ones I used to make Where the colors are vivid and the chemist is livid to see impurities in the snow. I'm dreaming of a white precipitate with every chemistry test I write May your equations be balanced and right and may all your reactions be bright. 3. Silent Labs Silent labs, difficult labs All with math, all with graphs Observations of colors and smells Calculations and graph curves like bells Memories of tests that have past Oh, how long will chemistry last? Silent labs, difficult labs All with math, all with graphs Lots of equations that need balancing Gas pressure problems that make my head ring Santa Chlorine's on his way Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'. 4. Deck the Labs Deck the labs with rubber tubing Fa la la la la, la la la la. Use your funnel and your filter Fa la la la la, la la la la. Don we now our goggles and aprons Fa la la la la, la la la la. Before we go to our lab stations Fa la la la la, la la la la. Fill the beakers with solutions Fa la la la la, la la la la. Mix solutions for reactions Fa la la la la, la la la la. Watch we now for observations Fa la la la la, la la la la. So we can collect our data Fa la la la la, la la la la. 5. The Twelve Days of Chemistry On the first day of chemistry My teacher gave to me A candle from Chem Study. (second day) two asbestos pads (third day) three little beakers (fourth day) four work sheets (fifth day) five golden moles (sixth day) six flaming test tubes (seventh day) seven unknown samples (eighth day) eight homework problems (ninth day) nine grams of salt (tenth day) a ten page test (eleventh day) eleven molecules (twelfth day) a twelve point quiz 6. Test Tubes Bubbling (to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire") Test tubes bubbling in a water bath Strong smells nipping at ypur nose. Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow Will find it hard to be inert tonight. They know that Chlorine's on its way He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh And every student's slide rule is on the sly To see if the teacher really can multiply. And so I offer you this simple phrase To chemistry students in this room Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry molecules to you. 7. O Little Melting Particle (to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem") Para Dichloro Benzene how do you melt so well? The plateau of your cooling curve is really something swell. We think the heat of fusion of water is so nice Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole and what you get is ice. 8. We Wish You a Happy Halogen We wish you a happy halogen We wish you a happy halogen We wish you a happy halogen To react with a metal. Good acid we bring to you and your base. We wish you a merry molecule and a happy halogen. 9. Chemistry Wonderland Gases explode, are you listenin' In your rest tube, silver glistens A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a chemistry wonderland. Gone away, is the buoyancy Here to stay, is the density A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a chemistry wonderland. In the beaker we will make lead carbonate and decide if what's left is nitrate My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?" and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?" Later on, as we calculate the amount, of our nitrate We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made walking in a chemistry wonderland. 10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine under the chemistree last night They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart to take a peek At all the atoms reacting in their beakers; it was neat. And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine under the chemistree so bright Oh what a reaction there would have been if the principal had walked in With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night. 11. O Come All Ye Gases O Come all yea gases diatomic wonders O come yea, o come yea calls Avogadro. O come yea in moles 6 x 10 to the 23rd O molar mass and molecules O volume, pressure and temperature O molar volume of gases at S.T.P. 12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are We three students of chemistry are taking tests that we think are hard Stoichiometry, volumes and densities worrying all the time. O room of wonder room of fright Room of thermites blinding light: With your energies please don't burn us Help us get our labs all right. 13. Iron the Red Atom Molecule (to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer") There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine But do you recall the most famous element of all? Iron the red atom molecule had a very shiny orbital And if you ever saw him You'd enjoy his magnetic glow All of the other molecules used to laugh and call him Ferrum They never let poor Iron join in any reaction games. Then one inert Chemistry eve Santa came to say Iron with your orbital so bright won't you catalyze the reaction tonight? Then how the atoms reacted and combined in twos and threes Iron the red atom molecule you'll go down in Chemistry! 14. Lab Reports (to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Dashing through the lab with a tan page lab report Taking all those tests and laughing at them all Bells for fire drills ring making spirits bright What fun it is to laugh and sing a chemistry song tonight. Oh, lab report, lab reports, reacting all the way Oh what fun it is to study for a chemistry test today, Hey! Chemistry test, chemistry test isn't it a blast Oh what fun it is to take a chemistry test and pass. 15. Silver Nitrate (to the tune of "Silver Bells") Silver nitrate, silver nitrate it's chemistry time in the lab Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring soon it will be chemistry day. Take your nitrate, in solution Add your copper with style In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions silver forming, blue solution Bringing ooh's ah's and wows now the data procesing begins. Get the mass, change to moles what is the ratio with copper? Write an equation, balance it we're glad it's Chemistry Day. |
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