Breast Jokes

Breast Jokes




What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".



What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that 
 a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.



Why do men call the part of a woman's body, between her breasts 
 and hips, the waist?
Because there's room for another set of breasts there!



Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.



What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!



How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.



Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.



What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.



How can you tell if a girl is really flat chested?
She wears suspenders to hold her bra up.



How can you tell if a woman is really flat?
She hopes for breast cancer so she can fit into a bra.



Why are girls like ROCKS?
"The flat ones are better to skip!"



What's the worst possible case of being flat-chested?
Looking down a dress and the only bumps you see are knees.



You can bet you'll never shake hands with the world's best lover.
He's always got a tit in it.



How are woman's breasts like electric train sets?
They were originally intended for the kids, but Daddy 
always winds up playing with them.



  A teenage girl goes to the doctor. He places a stethoscope against
her chest and says, "Big breaths."
  She answers, "Yeth, thir, and I'm only thixteen."



Define: doggie bra.
It can make pointers out of setters.



  A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her 
right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block 
away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks 
like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got 
closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out.
  When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, 
"Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
  "Why, officer?" the woman asked.
  "Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of 
your blouse."
  The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! 
I left the baby on the bus!"

 

SIGNS YOUR CHILD IS TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING:

He can open your blouse by himself.
While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
After each feeding, he has a smoke.
He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to  "Dueling Banjos."
Beard abrasions on your areola.



  A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she 
wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The 
clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought 
it on special.
  All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my 
Breasts!  Grab my breasts!"
  The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager 
who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return 
the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not 
give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
  Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" 
  The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that 
particular phrase.
  She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting 
screwed!"


 
  A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to 
go into a room and wait for the doctor. He examines the baby and asks 
the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
  "Breast fed." she says.
  Well, strip down to your waist." he orders.
  She does.
  He presses both breasts, pinches them both, and then says, 
"No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."
  "Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt...But I'm glad I came." 


 
  A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts.  
So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his 
problem.
  "I am going to do word association," explained the doctor. 
"I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing 
that come to your mind." 
  "Oranges," said the doctor.
  "Breasts," replied the patient.
  "Apples."
  "Breasts."
  "Watermelons."
  "Breasts."
  "Wipers."
  "Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
  "Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, 
apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? 
Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.
  "Easy...one on the left and one on the right!"
 
 

  When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts... 
  In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no 
passion.  So I decided I needed a passionate girl... 
  In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional... 
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I 
needed a girl with some stability... 
  I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got 
excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some 
excitement... 
  I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She 
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She 
was directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some ambition... 
  After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was 
so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned... 
  Now all I want is a girl with big breasts...



  A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a 
stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next 
to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs 
her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous 
woman does not respond.
  Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's 
blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, 
he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
  The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples 
stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
  "Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still 
massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such 
a novel way to revive me?"
  "It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, 
"Rubber balloons...Rubber balloons!!"



  In several states, there are restaurants called Hooters. They only
employ female wait staff, who are rather scantily clad. My girlfriend
and I were eating at an outdoor restaurant right next to a Hooters.
This one rather tan waitress came to take this guy's order, and she
leaned as far forward as she could, offering him a view of her 
cleavage.
  My girlfriend asked, "What do you think her tips are like?"
  My response, "Probably a little darker than the rest of her."



  One day there was a big lady swimming in the ocean by the beach. 
Suddenly, she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that 
no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked 
over to her towel.
  So she went, and nobody seemed to notice her as she approached 
her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her and said, 
"Hey, lady!"
  "What?" asked the startled lady.
  "If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have 
the one with the cute little brown nose."



  A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set 
out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale 
department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you 
have a size 28AAAA bra?"
  The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store 
and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in 
much the same manner. After a third try at another department store 
in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove 
to K-Mart.
  Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her 
blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
  The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"



  Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add 
years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the 
New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the 
charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30 minute 
aerobics workout," declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.
  Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt,
Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health 
of 200 male outpatients -- half of whom were instructed to look at
busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. 
The study revealed that after five years, the chest watchers had 
lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances 
of coronary artery disease.
  "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood
circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There is no question: Gazing 
at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in 
this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart
attack in half.  We believe that by doing so consistently, the
average man can extend his life four to five years."


 
  Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package 
and a large bird cage.  She was gone several days but finally she 
returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
  Liz,"Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.  Glad 
you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
  Sally,"Cause I just can't get a man."
  Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
  Sally, "Don't be so silly.  I know that. But I went in the woods 
cause I needed something there that would get me a man.  But I 
couldn't find it."
  Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
  Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.  I took some
dead mice and a bird cage."
  Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."
  Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good 
pair of hooters."




  Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts. So one day she 
went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith.  
  Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: 
"SCOOBIE, DOOBIE, DOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES".
  One day she was running late and decided to do her excercises 
on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient
of Dr. Smith's.  To which she replied: "Yes how did you know?".
  He replied with one hand in his pocket: "HICKERY DICKERY DOC!"



  Two geezers who lived in the same nursing home, Clyde and Maude, 
(both in their 90's), fell madly in love. They decided they were 
going to get a weekend pass and go to a motel to consummate their 
love. So, they go to a local no-tell motel and check in.
  Clyde was a laying' in the bed, not a stitch on, waiting' for 
his girlfriend, while Maude was in the bathroom, primping' and 
powdering' herself.
  Maude comes hobbling out on her little walker naked as a 90 year 
old jay bird and makes to the end of the bed.
  She says, "Now Clyde honey, first I got to tell you, I got acute 
angina!"
  Clyde looks up at her and says, "Well that's good, 'cause you 
sure got some ugly titties!"



-CLONING-
The REALLY GOOD news

  The public was in titillated awe upon hearing news of the cloning 
of the sheep "Dolly" in Edinburgh.  But the variety and multitude 
of applications of this exciting new technology continue to grow 
unabated.  Only a few weeks ago, it was announced that the cloning 
process had been used to duplicate a sheep's liver, only one small 
part of a larger organism.  Scientists prognosticate that this type 
of application will likely lead to the ability to clone human organs
and body parts as well.
  Though at first blush the primary value of this type of cloning 
appears to be the potential to offer replacements to people with 
defective organs, I think you will agree with me that this technology 
can serve a much more noble purpose. Specifically, the cloning of BOOBS!
  Not only will there be no more need to negotiate with the biological 
boob owner for use of the boob, there will also be no limit of 2 boobs 
per negotiation.  Cost permitting, one can own as many as one wishes 
and fellow owners may wish to collect and trade their boobs.
  In light of this valuable procedure, I have some suggestions for the 
uses of these new test tube boobs...

1).  Paperweight.

2).  Forget "Koosh Balls" and other malleable executive stress relieving
     devices, nothing imparts healing power like a squeezed boob.

3).  Xmas tree ornaments.

4).  Throw Pillows - nothing spruces up your tired old
     apartment like a few carefully placed boobs.

5).  Centerpiece - a nice boob arrangement in a bowl or basket is 
     suitable for those special dinner parties. (TIP: tanning a boob or
     two can produce a nice contrast of colors).

6).  Forget pacifiers.

7).  In sufficient numbers, boobs can replace your waterbed mattress.

8).  Chill your boobs and then apply topically to reduce swelling.

9).  Heated boobs are a vast improvement on the water bottle concept.

10). Crack your friends up - for big laughs, use boobs as replacements 
     for croquet balls, badminton shuttlecocks or pool balls.

11). Place a boob, nipple side up, in your window.  Makes a
     great thermometer!

  God bless scientists everywhere - THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES!!!




  A man stopped by a diner at noon, the busiest time of the day, sat 
down at the counter and asked for a cup of coffee.  The waitress, who 
was very busy, gave him his coffee and rushed off to help the numerous
customers having lunch at the diner.  The man, who uses both creamer 
and sugar in his coffee, noticed that the container was empty.  As the 
waitress rushed by, he asked her to bring him cream and sugar for his 
coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember it being before,
rushed to the back to pick up more orders.  As she passed the cabinet 
where the extra sugar and creams were kept, she set her plates down and
put sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both of her 
hands were full.
  After she has served the plates she was holding, she returned to the
man and asked him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
  The man replied, "Two's fine."
  She reached into her bra, pulled out two sugar cubes and dropped
them into his cup. 
  "And cream?" she asked.
  The man looked at her, squarely in the eye and said, "You wouldn't 
dare!?!"



  A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on 
her right breast. The romance eventually waned. In due time, she fell
in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast.
This romance also waned. Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine
and married him. 
  That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh.
  She asked, "What in the world is so funny?" 
  He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are 
going to have about ten years from now."



  A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing 
time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would 
like a Martoutsy."
  The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
  "Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender 
brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily 
forward, barely able to hang on.
  She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
  Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a
barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a
Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, 
your tit is hanging in the ashtray."



  There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years." Yeah", she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
  "I know", the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well", Granny snickered, "What do you
say...should we?"
  Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
  "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
breasts are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
  "I wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal."



  The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her
supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top
off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging
out of the open front of her uniform!
  "MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around
the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your 
breast exposed!"
  "Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her 
uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything 
back when they're through using it!"



  The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I 
looked for in a woman.
  Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
  He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
  So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
  "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want 
to spend the rest of your life with?"
  He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch
laughing until my gut hurt. Spend the rest of my life with one woman?
No woman's tits are that big.



  A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise 
by buying her a bra.  He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated,
but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
  "What color?" they asked. 
  He settled for white.
  "How much does it cost?" he asked. 
  "Twenty dollars." 
  "Very good," he thought.  All that remained was the size, but 
he hadn't the faintest idea.
  "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts?  Grape 
fruits? Oranges?"
  "No," he said, "nothing like that."
  "Come on, sir, think.  There must be something your wife's bust 
resembles."
  He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you 
ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

 

  A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the 
kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here 
quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!"
  He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat.
You're kneeling on one of your tits." 



  A man walks into a library, and puts $5,000 on the counter. The
librarian looks up, and the man speaks "I bet you $5000, ma'am, that
by this time tomorrow, your nipples will be gone."
  The librarian was flabbergasted...all she could manage was "WHAT?!"
The man continutes:
  "I'm dead serious! Here's the $5000! But by tomorrow, I bet that 
your nipples will be gone."
  The librarian answers "You're on, pervert."
  The librarian takes a cab home, to avoid breast-slashing maniacs, 
and stays away from all sharp objects in her house. She shows up to 
work a little late the next day, slightly nervous. The man from 
yesterday walks in, with an accomplice.
  "Well?" Asks the man.
  With that, the librarian removes her shirt, and proves that her 
nipples are still in place. The man hands over the $5000, and the 
accomplice hands over an envelope.
  "What was that all about?" asks the librarian?
  "Simple" answers the man. "This guy bet me $20,000 that I couldn't 
walk in here and get you to show me your tits."

  
 
  The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science 
classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? 
He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping 
for the best:
 1. No need to boil.
 2. Cats can't steal it.
 3. Available whenever necessary. 
  Ummm... So far so good ... maybe.........But the exam demanded 
a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed.
He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he 
brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled 
his definitive answer: 
4. Available in attractive containers."



  There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately 
had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a 
nursing mother.  Well there weren't too many women in the village 
nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man 
suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found 
a rather buxom young girl who recently had given birth and who was 
willing to help him out, for a price. The man was desperate because
his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the 
amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born 
baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
  The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a 
bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on 
the woman's breast. Well weeks went by and the awkwardness began to
fade.
  One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was beginning 
to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in 
a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
  The man paused in his sucking for a moment and looked up at her. 
"Yeah," he said finally. "Can I have a cookie with my milk?"



  There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night 
the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to
a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. 
  The grandmother told her to go back up stairs and dress decent. 
  The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds!" and 
went out the door. 
  The next day the grand daughter came outside to find her grandmother
on the porch wearing her see-through blouse without a bra. 
  "GRANDMOTHER! What are you doing?" the girl screamed. 
  The older woman replied, "Well if you can show off your rose buds,
well then I can show off my hanging baskets." 

 

  A 95-year old women decided that she'd seen and done everything,
and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering
various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the 
conclusion that the quickest and surest way method would be to 
shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain
about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked
him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left
nipple.
  So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

 

  A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a 
customers door saying "I need 45 gallons of milk."
  He knocked on the door and a beautiful dumb blond answered it.
  "Is this a mistake?" the milkman  asked.
  "No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing 
in milk is a good aphrodisiac."
  "Really," replied the milkman. "Do you want that pasteurised?"
  "No, up to my tits would be fine," she said.



The Invention of "Bras"
by Janet Wilson Anderson

  Among the esoterica in my library is a little gem called "Bust-Up"
by Wallace Reyburn, which is subtitled. "The Uplifting Tale of Otto
Titzling and the Development of the Bra." This little book tells
the details of Otto's work and company.
  Seems Otto Titzling (no kidding!) developed the bra in 1912 for
Swanhilda Olafsen. Swanhilda was a singer of majestic proportions
who lived in the same boarding house in New York as Otto, who
worked in the garment business. Her need for a supporting garment
was the inspiration for Otto's breakthrough design. Over the years,
Otto's company developed the first "falsies", and padded bras,
adapted a sports protector from 1929 into the inflatable bra, and
developed a front-fastening bra, among others. (The latter failed,
by the way!)
  In the early 30's a Frenchman Phillipe De Brassiere began producing
undergarments blatantly based on Otto's designs. Being a much more
fashionable gentleman who had been a dress designer before the Crash 
of 1929, he enjoyed considerable success. Otto sued. Mountains of 
documentation were presented during the four year court case.
  But alas, Otto had neglected to patent his original 1912 design,
though he had patented all the modifications. It was a difficult
case and although Titzling did receive some damages relating to
certain details of manufacture, the court was ultimately
unsympathetic, and Brassiere really won.
  During the trial both sides presented their designs on live models.
Phillipe's model was stunning and got a lot of publicity, among
which was a large blow-up of her in 'The Police Gazette' in a
revealing pose under the headline "I did it all for the Bra". And
the name entered the mainstream, appearing in the Dictionary of
American Slang in 1938, the year the case ended. Sad to say, Otto's
firm never recovered from the financial and emotional set-back.
  He died in the forties, still insisting that he was robbed.
  And that's why we wear "bras", not "titzlings"!

 

  A young woman was depressed because she was so flat-chested.  
So when her fairy godmother appeared one day and offered to grant 
her most heartfelt wish, the young woman instantly requested large
breasts.
  "All right, my dear," said her fairy godmother. "From this moment
on, every time a man says 'Pardon' to you, your breasts will grow."
  The next day the woman was walking down the sidewalk, lost in 
thought, when she bumped into a policeman.
  "Pardon me," said the cop politely. 
  Her breasts grew an inch.  She was ecstatic.
  A few days later the young woman was doing her shopping at the 
supermarket.  Leaving with a large bag of groceries, she bumped 
into another customer.
  "Pardon me," the man said, bending over to help her collect 
her groceries.
  The young woman's breasts grew another inch. Very happy, she 
decided to treat herself to dinner at a Chinese restaurant.  
Going in the door, she collided with a waiter, who bowed and said, 
"Oh, miss, I beg of you a thousand pardons."
  The Headline in the paper the next day read:
  WAITER CRUSHED BY TWO TORPEDOES.



  One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into 
the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman 
liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini 
that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
  He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as 
possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand 
it no more. He walked to the front door of the new neighbor's 
house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, 
opened the door.
  "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing 
how beautiful your wife is."
  "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
  "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her 
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I 
could kiss those breasts."
  The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife 
appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss 
the offer for a few moments.
  Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
  "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you 
can kiss my wife's tits."
  At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects 
of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, 
and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. 
This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
  "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
  "I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
  "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
  "I don't have ten thousand dollars!"



A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to by a bra for his wife. 
Clerk "Here are several styles to choose from, sir."
Drunk "This one will do the job!"
Clerk "Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?"
Drunk "71/2"
Clerk "I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size. Here 
     is standard listing of sizes. Perhaps you can pick from those."
Drunk "71/2"
Clerk "There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer to help."
Drunk "Measured it myself! Size is 71/2!!"
Clerk "But, sir--"
Drunk "71/2, God dammit!!!"
Clerk "Perhaps you can tell me how you measured? What did you use?
Drunk "My hat!"



There are 5 sizes of brassieres:
Small
Medium
Large
Wow
and 
Yee Gods.

The new and improved bra sizes
(small to LARGE)

Mosquito Bite
Cupcake
Handfull
Orange
Nice
Wow!
Humungous

	

A QUESTION ABOUT BRASSIERES
What is the largest size bra made?
Think about A B C.
Of course the answer is the Z BRA.



  Three women are being interviewed for the same secretarial 
job.  The final question of each interview was, "If you were 
accidentally overpaid $100 one week, what would you do?".
  One woman said, "Oh, I would immediately report it, Sir!".  
  The second woman said, "Well, I would write a memo to payroll, 
but make it `low priority'."
  The third woman said, "Well, Sir, in all honesty, I would 
keep the money and but myself a new outfit."
  So who gets the job?
  The one with the biggest tits!



  Two guys are talking in a bar.
  One of them proclaims, "I'm a breast man, myself."
  The other replies, "You know, that's awfully sexist!"
  The first corrects himself, "You're right. I'm a breast *person*."



  Johnnie's teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick 
a word and have the children make a sentence out of it.  She had to 
be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnnie would try and turn this
into something dirty, as he had done so many times before.  She chose
the word "fascinate".  Knowing that Johnnie could not possibly mess 
this one up, she called on him first.
  Johnnie said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It 
had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only
fasten eight."
  After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnnie's turn again.  
This time the word was "urinate".
  The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnnie.
  Johnnie said, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd 
be a ten."



  Bothered by hay fever, a pretty school teacher took two handkerchiefs
to a dinner party.  During dinner she felt a sneezing attack coming on,
and began rummaging to the left and right of her dress.
  Suddenly she realized that the conversation had ceased and the other
guests were watching what she was doing.  
  In her confusion, she gasped, "I know I had two when I left home."



Big Busted Women...
-------------------
 * can get a taxi on the worst days
 * have a neat place to carry spare change
 * have always been the center of the arts (art)
 * make jogging a spectator sport
 * can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
 * have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
 * usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
 * can always carry a little extra
 * always float better
 * know where to look first for lost earrings
 * rarely have to look for a slow dance partner
 * have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an 
   armless recliner

Small Busted Women...
---------------------
 * don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend 
   over in public
 * always look younger
 * find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
 * can always see their toes and shoes
 * can sleep on their stomachs
 * have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
 * know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
 * know that everything more than a handful is wasted
 * can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
 * can take aerobics class without running the risk of knocking
   themselves out
 * can hug closer, nicer, and longer




Euphuisms for Breasts:

Angel Cakes, Bazookas, Bazooms, Beacons, Beanbags, Bebops, Betty Boops,
Big Boppers, Bikini Stuffers, Billibongs, Blinkers, Bombers, Bombshells,
Bon Bons, Bongos, Bonkers, Boobers, Boobies, Boobs, Boops, Bops, Bosom,
Boulders, Bouncers, Bra Buddies, Bra Stuffers, Breasts, Bronskis, Bubbas,
Bubbies, Buds, Bulbs, Bulges, Bullets, Bumpers, Bumps, Bust, Busters,
Busties, Butterballs, Buttons, Caboodles, Cams, Cannon Balls, Cantaloupes,
Carumbas, Cha-chas, Charlies, Chihuahuas, Chimichongas, Chiquitas, 
Coconuts, Congas, Corkers, Cream Pies, Creamers, Cuhuangas, Cupcakes, 
Curves, Dingers, Dinghies, Dingos, Dirigibles, Doorknobs, Doozers, 
Doozies, Double-Whammies, Dueling Banjos, Dumplings, Dunes, Ear Muffs, 
Eclairs, Eggplants, Enchiladas, Flapjacks, Flappers, Flesh Bulbs, Flesh 
Mellons Floaters, Fog Lights, Fried Eggs, Fun Bags, Gagas, Garbos, 
Gazingas, Gazongas, Glands, Globes, Globlets, Gob Stoppers, Gongas, 
Goombas, Grapefruits, Grillwork, Guavas, Gum Drops, Hand Warmers, 
Handsets, Head Lamps, Headers, Headlights, Headphones, Headsets, 
Hefties, Heifers, Hemispheres, Hills, Hindenburgs, Honeydews, Honkers, 
Hood-Ornaments, Hoohas, Hooters, Hot Cakes, Hottentots, Howitzers, 
Hubcaps, Huffies, Humdingers, Hush Puppies, ICBMS, Jawbreakers,
Jemimas, Jibs, Jobbers, Jugs, Jukes, Jumbos, Kabukis, Kalamazoos, 
Kazongas, Kazoos, Knobbers, Knockers, Kongas, Kumquats, Lactoids, Lip 
Fodder, LLamas, Loaves, LobLollies, Love Mellons, Love Muffins, LuLus, 
Macaroons, Mammaries, Mammies, Mams, Mangos, Marangos, Maraschinos, 
Marimbas, Marshmallows, Mau Maus, Mausers, Meat Loaves, Meatballs, 
Melons, Milk Cans, Milk Fountains, Milk Shakes, Mmbos, Molehills, 
Mommas, Mondos, Montain Peaks, Montezumas, Moo Moos, Mother Lodes, 
Mounds, Muchachas, Muffins, Mulligans, Mushmellons, Nancies, Nectarines, 
Niblets, Nibs, Nippers, Nippies, Nippleoons, Nippleos, Nips, Nodes, 
Nodules, Noogies, Nose Cones, Oboes, Oompas, Orbs Apples, Ottomans 
Balboas, Padding Balloons, Pagodas Bangers, Pair Bangles, Palookas 
Bassoons, Papayas Baubles, Parabolas Bazongas, Paw Patties, Peaches, 
Peakers, Peaks, Pears, Pects, Peepers, Pillows, Pips, Plums, 
Pointer-Sisters, Points, Pokers, Polygons, Pompoms, Pontoons, Potatoes,
PT Boats, Pumpkins, Rangoons, Rib Cushions, Rib Balloons, Rivets, 
Roundies, Sandbags, Satellites, Scones, Scoops, Set, Shakers, Shebas, 
Shermans, Shimmies, Silos, Skin Sacks, Skooners, Smoothies, Snuggle 
Pups, Spark Plugs, Specials, Spheres, Spongecakes, Spuds, Stacks, 
Stuffing Casabas, Sugar Plums, Sweater Meat, Sweater Puffs, Sweet Rolls, 
Tahitis, Tamales, Tartugas, Tatas, Tattlers, Teats, Tetons, Thangs, 
Thingumajigs, Tidbits, Titbits, Tits, Titskis, Titters Domes, Titties 
Doodads, Tom-Toms, Tomatoes, Tooters, Torpedoes, Tortillas, Totos Dugs, 
Twangers, Tweakers, Tweeters, Twin Peaks, Twofers, Tympanies, U-Boats, 
Umlauts, Wahwahs, Waldos, Warheads, Watermelons, Floats, Whoppers, 
Windjammers, Wobblers, Wongas, Woofers, Yabbos, Yams, Yayas, Zeppelins, 
Zingers 



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