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NECKING PERMIT
NAME:__________________
ADDRESS:_______________
PHONE:_________________
EXPIRES: 01/01/2020
WITNESS: R.U.A. Will
I.C.U.R. Willing
CONTENT:
Holder of this permit is allowed to neck on the back porches,
in parlors, in haylofts, or wherever she or he pleases.
Permit will include both heavy and light kisses as the owner
pleases. No person may hold a kiss for more than an hour.
Any violation of this rule may lead to marriage.
This permit is valid in any part of the world where necking
is a sport, indoors or outdoors.
DANGER:
Kisses spread germs and germs are hated. So kiss me baby,
I'm vaccinated.
MOTTO:
Kiss whom you please and please whom you kiss
PENALTY:
Those of the opposite sex who read this permit,
owe a kiss to the holder.
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BLANKET RELEASE
This certifies that I, the undersigned female/male about
to give my body voluntarily in a sexual intercourse with
_____________________________________, am above the lawful
age of consent, am in my right mind and not under the
influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does he/she
have to use any force, threats or promises to influence me.
I am in no fear of her/him whatever; do not expect or want to
marry him, don't know whether he is married or not, and don't
care. I am not asleep or drunk, and am entering into this
relation with her/him because I love it and want it as much as
he/she does, and if I receive the satisfaction I expect, I am
willing to consider an early return engagement.
To the best of my knowledge, I am free of sexually transmitted
disease or pests. Furthermore, I agree never to appear as a
witness against him or prosecute her/him under the Mann Slave
act.
Signed before jumping into bed this day ____ of _________ 19_____
Signed_______________________________________Age_________________
Address__________________________________________________________
Phone Number_____________________________________________________
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THE MR. RIGHT REJECTION FORM
Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to
offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the
competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at
McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other
than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,
then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the
9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals
an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to
get your High School dipolma, are slight negatives.
___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.
___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.
___ Three final words.... Size does matter.
Sincerely,
[Your name here]
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APPLICATION FOR A PIECE OF ASS
Approved ________ Denied ________
Tested for A.I.D.S. Yes __ No __
Physician's Name _______________
Name ____________________________ Address _______________________
Age _____ Phone number _________ Social Security Number ______________
Colour of Hair _____________ Real? _________ Colour of Eyes ___________
Denutures? _______ Height ________ Weight _______ Waist Size ________
Marital Status: Bra Size or Condom Size _______________
Married ______
Single ______
Divorced ______
Other ______
Are Tits or Balls Real? ____
Do You like Them?: Caressed ______ Sucked ______
Chewed ______ Kissed ______
Squeezed ______ Licked ______
All of the Above ____ Other ______
Can You Stay Out Late? ______ How Late? ______
All Night _____ All Day ____ Several Days ____
Do You Like to be Fucked? _____ How Often? _____ Oral Sex? _______
Dick or Vagina Size? Small _____ Large _______ Extra Large ______
While Fucking, Do You:
Fart ____ Cry _____ Moan _____ Hum ______ Yell ____
Scream _____ Whistle _____ Yodel ______ Scratch _____
All of the Above ______ None of the Above _________
When You Orgasm, Do You:
Shake _____ Twitch _____ Wiggle ____ Wobble ____
Twist _____ Jerk _____ Scream _____ Cry _____
Faint _____ Or Just Start Fucking Like Hell? ______
What Kind of Fuck Do You Like?
Fast _____ Super Fast _____ Slow ______
All Night ______ How Many Times _______
Comments? ____________________________
If You Have Fucked Before, Give Two (2) References (not immediate family)
Name _____________________ Address __________________ Phone ___________
Name _____________________ Address __________________ Phone ___________
If Your Application Is Accepted, What Are Your Charges If Any?
For The:
Week ____
Weekend ____
Day ____
Night ____
Hour ____
Half Hour ____
10 Minutes____
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I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT... 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle. 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak. 4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. 5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. 6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. 7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. 8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. 9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men". 10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course. Signed:____________________________________ Date:________________ |
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