Sex Application Forms

Sex Application Forms


                         NECKING PERMIT

NAME:__________________

ADDRESS:_______________

PHONE:_________________

EXPIRES: 01/01/2020

WITNESS: R.U.A. Will
         I.C.U.R. Willing

CONTENT:

  Holder of this permit is allowed to neck on the back porches, 
in parlors, in haylofts, or wherever she or he pleases.  
  Permit will include both heavy and light kisses as the owner 
pleases.  No person may hold a kiss for more than an hour.  
  Any violation of this rule may lead to marriage.
  This permit is valid in any part of the world where necking 
is a sport, indoors or outdoors.

DANGER:

Kisses spread germs and germs are hated. So kiss me baby, 
I'm vaccinated.

MOTTO:

Kiss whom you please and please whom you kiss

PENALTY:

  Those of the opposite sex who read this permit, 
owe a kiss to the holder.






                        BLANKET RELEASE

  This certifies that I, the undersigned female/male about 
to give my body voluntarily in a sexual intercourse with
_____________________________________, am above the lawful
age of consent, am in my right mind and not under the
influence of any drug or narcotic.  Neither does he/she 
have to use any force, threats or promises to influence me.

I am in no fear of her/him whatever; do not expect or want to
marry him, don't know whether he is married or not, and don't
care.  I am not asleep or drunk, and am entering into this
relation with her/him because I love it and want it as much as
he/she does, and if I receive the satisfaction I expect, I am
willing to consider an early return engagement.

To the best of my knowledge, I am free of sexually transmitted
disease or pests. Furthermore, I agree never to appear as a
witness against him or prosecute her/him under the Mann Slave
act.


Signed before jumping into bed this day ____ of _________ 19_____

Signed_______________________________________Age_________________

Address__________________________________________________________

Phone Number_____________________________________________________






                     THE MR. RIGHT REJECTION FORM

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),
      
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further 
contention as my Mr. Right.  As you are probably aware, the competition 
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as 
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your 
name on file should an opening become available.  So that you may find 
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to 
offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the 
competition:

[Check all those that apply]
      
___  Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___  Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, 
      hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
           
___  The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at 
     McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
      
___  Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
     indicates that you may be interested in me for something other 
     than my personality.
     
___  You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions 
     about yourself before you asked me one.
      
___  Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, 
     then you can't GET into my pants.

___  Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 
     9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
      
___  You failed the credit check.

___  I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
      
___  The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals 
     an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
      
___  The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
      
___  You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to
     get your High School dipolma, are slight negatives.
       
___  You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

___  Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.

___  Three final words.... Size does matter. 
      
                Sincerely,
                    
                [Your name here]






                     APPLICATION FOR A PIECE OF ASS 

Approved ________                                       Denied ________ 

Tested for A.I.D.S.   Yes __   No __
                                                                       
Physician's Name _______________ 

                    
Name ____________________________         Address _______________________

Age _____   Phone number _________  Social Security Number ______________

Colour of Hair _____________  Real? _________  Colour of Eyes ___________

Denutures?  _______  Height ________  Weight _______  Waist Size ________

Marital Status:                   Bra Size or Condom Size _______________
  Married    ______         
  Single     ______
  Divorced   ______
  Other      ______


Are Tits or Balls Real? ____

Do You like Them?:   Caressed ______       Sucked  ______
                     Chewed   ______       Kissed  ______
                     Squeezed ______       Licked  ______
                     All of the Above ____ Other   ______

Can You Stay Out Late? ______      How Late? ______ 

All Night _____   All Day ____    Several Days ____

Do You Like to be Fucked? _____  How Often? _____  Oral Sex? _______

Dick or Vagina Size?  Small _____  Large _______  Extra Large ______

While Fucking, Do You:
   Fart ____   Cry _____  Moan _____  Hum ______  Yell ____
   Scream _____  Whistle _____  Yodel ______  Scratch _____
   All of the Above ______   None of the Above _________

When You Orgasm, Do You:
   Shake _____   Twitch _____   Wiggle ____   Wobble ____
   Twist _____   Jerk _____      Scream _____   Cry _____
   Faint _____    Or Just Start Fucking Like Hell? ______

What Kind of Fuck Do You Like?
    Fast _____    Super Fast _____   Slow ______
    All Night ______   How Many Times _______
    Comments? ____________________________


If You Have Fucked Before, Give Two (2) References (not immediate family)

Name _____________________   Address __________________   Phone ___________

Name _____________________   Address __________________   Phone ___________


If Your Application Is Accepted, What Are  Your Charges If Any?
For The:
 Week      ____
 Weekend   ____  
 Day       ____  
 Night     ____ 
 Hour      ____
 Half Hour ____
 10 Minutes____






I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT... 


1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes,
wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So
THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly
jabbed with a needle.

2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is
to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific
equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I
wasn't there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will
tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will
not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position
you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie
there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and
inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so
they have to stay.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet.
And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that
you have "ruined me for other men".

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and
remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will
only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine,
of course.

Signed:____________________________________
Date:________________





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