What's worse than a magician pulling a rabbit out of your hat?
Having him pull a hare from your snatch.
how can you tell if a woman has been screwing an elephant?
when she sits on a barstool, she falls to the floor.
Why don't guys from Minnesota like girls from same going out
with guys from Wisconsin?
Have you ever seen a gopher hole when a badger gets through with it?
Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Being fingered by Captain Hook.
Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss
How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
Look for dandruff on her shoes
Why did God give women legs?
Well, think of the mess a snail makes!
Panties aren't the best things on earth,
but they are next to it.
How can you tell if your girl is really horny?
You slip your hands into her panties, and it feels like a
horse eating oats.
What did the woman say after undergoing a C Section?
Nothing. She just sat there with a long puss.
What instrument is used most often during childbirth?
A Beaver Cleaver.
A man's wife is his better half, but his mistress is
his better hole.
Know why men are so smart and women talk too much?
'Cause men have two heads, whereas women have two sets of lips.
How can you tell if a ballerina isn't wearing panties?
When she does a split and sticks to the floor.
The hostess on a certain airline approaches a seated customer
and says, "Would you like some of our TWA coffee, sir?"
"No thank you, but I would like some of your TWA tea"
Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
Because when the dragged them by the feet, they filled up with dirt.
How can you tell if it's way past time for a girl to douche?
You spot her odor-eaters crawling up her leg.
What is the difference between an Essex girl and a Kit-Kat
"You only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat.
What is the similarity between a woman and a Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with breast and thighs, all you have is
a greasy box to put your bone in.
Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.
What's the difference between a clitoris and a Pub?
9 out of 10 men can find a pub.
How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
When you open her legs the lights go on
What's the difference between a clitoris and a remote control?
A guy will keep looking for the remote control until he finds it.
What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Both can smell it but can't eat it
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
How much hair is in a girl's lap?
A box full.
Why do women have two sets of lips?
So they can piss and moan.
What's the difference between a geneaologist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, and a gynecologist looks
up the family bush.
Why do women have 2 sets of lips?
One to argue with and one to apologize with.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat.
Man sidles up to a woman at a party. "I'd like a little pussy,"
he confides.
"So would I," says the woman, "mine's big as a bucket!"
What do ya get when you breed a cat with a rabbit?
A pussy hare.
What colour is a bee?
Black and Yellow.
How many wings does a bird have?
Two.
How many teeth does a cat have?
I don't know.
That's you're problem: You know a lot about the birds and the bees,
but you don't know anything about pussy ...
How will you know when you need to replace your woman?
Put a finger in each hole, if you can snap your fingers,
you need to replace her!
If women are made of sugar and spice...
Why do they smell like fish?
A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a
Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?
A man will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball!
What did the blind man say when he entered the fish store?
Hello ladies!!
How is your grandmother's cunt like Freddy Kruger?
Either one is enough to scare the shit out of you.
How can you spot the woman who douched with vinegar?
She's the one with the sour puss.
What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
Inserting the anchovies.
Define: Vagina.
It's the box a penis comes in.
What did Adam say when he woke up next to Eve?
"Somethings fishy."
What's worse than a crippled skunk on your piano?
Having a diseased beaver on your organ.
What's hairy and conquered Asia?
Genghis Cunt.
How can you tell if a woman has a huge twat?
Her gynecologist has a United Mine Workers sticker on his office door.
What is red and has seven dents?
Snow White's cherry.
Why do women have two holes so close to each other?
So that yu can carry them home like a six pack when they get drunk.
What do airplanes and women have in common?
Cockpits!
What is the difference between a ship and a woman?
A ship cuts thru the water, a woman waters thru her cut.
What's the difference between a girl in a bathtub and a girl in a church?
A girl in a church has her soul full of hope, a girl in a bathtub
has her hole full of soap.
What's pink and hairy and sits on a wall?
Humpty Cunt
Why did they stop letting women swim in the ocean?
Because they couldn't get the smell out of the fish!
Why can't Mary Kay walk very fast?
Her lipstick.
Why do skinny girls tease their hair?
So their pants don't slide off.
Labia majora, n: The curly gates.
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush"
has been putting his bird into the *wrong* bushes.
Why is a joke like a pussy?
Neither is any fun if you don't get it.
How is pussy like a road?
Both have manholes
There's this company that makes a shampoo called
"Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific."
I hope they don't start making feminine hygiene products.
A man in bed with his wife, reading a book. Every so often
he reaches over and diddles her clit.
"I've got a headache, I'm not interested. Quit trying
to arouse me!"
"Arouse you? Hell, I'm just wetting my finger so I can turn
the pages."
A young man of upper class took a walk in Soho on a very windy
day. As he passed a young woman, the wind caught her skirt and
lifted it above her head.
The young man: Oh, it's airy, isn't it?
The young woman: Yeah, what the hell did you expect? Feathers?
A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention. She
has very hairy armpits.
The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina
a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her and
yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows she is a ballerina when
she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her
leg that high."
A manufacturer of nylon stockings tried to boost the sales by
offering to print any text up on the stockings lining.
A girl asked, "Can I have the text 'If you can read this you
are too close'?"
Salesman replis, "Sure which font and which size?"
The girl purrs, "In Braille!"
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to
raise some extra cash by advertising for a boarder in their 2 up
2 down terrace house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room
and explains that she is a model working in a nearby Manchester
studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays
to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris shows her the
house and they agree to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explains the model, "because of my job
I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
"That's not a problem," replies Doris, "we have a tin bath out in
the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire,
and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he go bowling most weekdays - so he will be out in the
evenings," replies Doris.
"Good" says the model. "That being settled, I'll go to the studio
and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes bowling whilst Doris prepares the
bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath
and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model
notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of
her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or
lingerie. Later when Fred returns Doris relates this oddity and he
does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you," says Doris, "look, if you don't believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek
in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for
the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing
behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model.
Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own
pubic hair.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me
now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes," he replies. "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yours?"
"Just to show you the difference," answers Doris, "but anyway you've
seen mine millions of times!"
"Yes," says Fred, "I have... but the rest of my bowling team hadn't!"
Back in the `70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh
Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one
point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear
this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns
to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. Now I`ll have to spend the
whole weekend with my legs in the air.`
`Why?` says her friend. `Don`t you have a vase?`"
They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish.
Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with
flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have
another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from
the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!
"What was that?" starts Hefner`s friend.
"Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."
A man was out walking through the jungle, when
he happened to meet Tarzan.
The traveler said, "What is your name?"
Tarzan responded, "Me Tarzan, Her Jane."
The traveler said, "No, what's your whole name?"
Tarzan said, "Me Tarzan, Lord Of Jungle."
The traveler asked, "What is Jane's hole name?"
Tarzan thought for a minute and said, "Jane's
hole name--pussy!"
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,
who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring
me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order
from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands
it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just
happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great,
I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man
is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the
blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and
leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's
him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I
take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
Top 10 Things Men Would Do If They Woke Up and Had a Vagina For a Day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...
BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
A girl at school who gets around quiet a lot, has a rumor about
her going around that she has a big well worked sexual tool. One
day she finds out about this rumor, and really gets her thinking.
So that afternoon when she got home from school she decided to go
into the bathroom and see if the rumor was true. She takes the
mirror off the wall, places it on the floor and stands over it
naked, trying to see exactly how big her female orifice has gotten.
While she's doing this her father walks in seeing her all naked
and says "What are you doing?!".
"I'm just doing my exercises" the girls says back, while
attempting to do some stretches.
The father, content with this goes to shut the door and then says,
"Well, be careful you don't fall in that big hole in the floor!".
A couple is driving through the back roads in the mountains.
It is winter, it is cold, and it is snowing. Suddenly, a skunk
runs out across the road in front of the car. The husband swerves
the car, bouncing the skunk off of one of the tires. The skunk
skids off the road into the bushes.
The wife goes crazy - "Honey! Honey! You hit the little skunk!
Honey! You gotta stop and see if he's okay!"
The husband, none too happy, but quite familiar with the
consequences of NOT doing what the wife asks, pulls over to the
side of the road, and gets out to go check on the little skunk.
He finds the skunk in the bushes, stunned but none the worse
for wear.
He tells his wife, "He's just stunned, he'll be fine in a little
while."
The wife, getting a bit huffy at this point, whines, "Honeeeey,
it's soooo coooold out there, he'll freeze!"
The husband, "So whadda you want me to do about it?"
The wife whines more demandingly, "Honeeeeyyy! Pick him up and we
can take him to the vet in the next town!"
So, the husband goes and picks up the skunk, brings it over, and
lays it in his wife's lap. He gets in the car and starts driving.
After a few minutes, the husband notices that the skunk is laying
there shivvering from the cold, and tells his wife, "Honey, if you
don't keep him warm, that little guy is gonna freeze before we get
to the next town!"
The wife, noticing it, asks, "What do you want me to do?"
The husband says, "Well, pull your skirt up and put the skunk
between your legs, and pull your dress up around him like a little
blanket. That will keep him a lot warmer."
Shocked at sucha suggestion, the wife snaps back, "Dammit honey,
that thing STINKS!"
The husband turns and says, "That's all right, just reach down
and hold his little nose then..."
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home
with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they
got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized
for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ,"
she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone
about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot
and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its
feel, and if he could locate the bullethole he would even tell
them what calibre rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too
much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going
on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they
would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal
skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok."
Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a
.22 rifle."
The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the
argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest
that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again.
He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them
buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very
thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened
to have in the boot of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and
fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .308" and he was
right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and
he had to prove his skills, over and over again, everytime against a
round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to
sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he
had one hell of a shiner.
So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but
not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So
where did I get this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily. "From me, of course."
"But what did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my
panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud
triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an axe!"
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist
when early one morning. I received a call from his office that I had
been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was
around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about
thirty-five minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort
over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going
to be able to make the full effort.
So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth
and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking
extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth
in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and
raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the
table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was
in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said, "My. We have taken a little
extra effort this morning haven't we?", but I didn't respond.
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning, the
evening meal etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to a
school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mum - where's
my washcloth?"
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.
She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink.
It had all my glitter and sparkles in it".
Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the
edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had
enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.
Seeing this, Marie yelled out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?"
Pierre replied "Woman, I'm leaving you!"
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our marriage?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!"
He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!"
He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!"
He kept paddling across the lake.
Then Marie hikes up her skirt and hollers, "But Pierre, what
about this?"
As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm
going to leave that damn woman."
Two middle-aged women, Gladys and Mable, are chatting.
"Mable, do you think as you get older your fanny actually gets looser?"
"Ooh I don't know." replied Mable. "I had sex with my Henry last
night and, to be honest, I felt like the outside of a sausage roll!"
Gladys looked unconvinced.
"Have you tried looking at it?" asked Mable.
"Look at it? I don't know, I mean I'm putting the beef on at my
age." said Gladys patting her middle-aged pot-belly.
"Here's what you do," confided Mable. "Take a mirror from off of
the wall and lay it on the floor, then stand astride it and you'll
get a good look at your twat."
"Hey, that's a good idea!" said Gladys, and trotted off home to try
it out.
At home, Gladys is standing in the bathroom, mirror on floor and
legs akimbo, peering at her twat in the mirror's reflection. Her
husband is walking past the doorway when he spots what's going on.
He charges into the bathroom and shoves Gladys hard against the wall.
"Ooh George! You fucking bastard!! You could have broke my bloody
arm then!!" she whined.
"You ungrateful cow!" George retorted. "If you'd have fallen down
that hole you'd have broken your fucking back!!"
A guy wakes up one morning, and goes downstairs. He says to his
wife, "I feel really great today"
His wife replies "Yeah, you look great. But you smell awful."
Worried, the man takes a shower. At work, he remembers what his
wife said earlier, and asks one of his workmates...
"I feel great today, but my missus says I smell bad"
"Well, tell you the truth, mate... you do smell. But you look great."
By now, he's getting a bit more worried so calls into his doctor's
surgery that evening, and recites his problem, "Well, doctor, I feel
great, people say I look great. But they also say I smell."
The doctor thinks, gets out his medical dictionary, looks a few
things up, and eventually turns to the man.
"I know what you're problem is. You feel great, you look great.
But you stink. You're a cunt."
Seven wise men with knowlegde so fine, created a pussy to design.
First was a butcher smart with wit, by using a knife he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpender strong and bold, by using a hammer and chisel
he gave it a hole.
Third was a talior tall and thin, by using a piece of red velvet he
lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter short and stout, by us a piece of fox fur he
lined it without.
Fifth was a was a fisherman nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave
it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it
and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it
and called it cunt.
Recently a tour bus full of senior citizens was travelling along
an interstate. Suddenly, an elderly woman in the back screamed and
jumped out of her seat. The driver pulled over and headed toward
the back of the bus. When the driver got to the woman, he asked
what was wrong.
The woman replied "There's a man trying to molest me!"
The driver asked the other passengers, but no one had seen
anything. The driver turned to the woman and said, "You must have
scared off the man when you screamed."
The woman agreed and returned to her seat. The bus driver resumed
driving, but a few miles down the road the same woman, again,
screamed and jumped out of her seat. Once again, the driver pulled
over and headed to the back of the bus.
"What's wrong now?" asked the driver.
The woman replied, "That man trying to molest me, he's under my
seat!"
The driver looked under the seat, and sure enough there was an
old bald guy.
The driver said to the man, "Sir, this woman claims that you
were trying to molest her."
The man replies, "No, no, no! I'm just looking for my toupee.
I thought I had it twice but it got away both times!"
Two worms live together on a golf course.
The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking
of going up and checking it out."
The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."
So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt. At the
same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.
The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."
Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here
on the course. Do it right here. Nobody will know."
The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?"
Her friend says, "Yeah."
And she agrees to do it. She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up
her little golf dress and she squats. She's just about to commence
when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her.
She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched.
He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes
up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.
The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?"
The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so
hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because
her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the
operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to
find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully
placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor
and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is
from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation,
and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn
unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their
only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns,
a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough
to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with
a note that read, "Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me
look like a count?"
"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a
fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"
There's a little old lady standing on the curb at the intersection.
She had both hands holdin' her hat on her head while the wind blew her
skirt up around her face.
A dignified Southern gentleman approached her and said, "Ma'am, you
should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around...being
indecent...while both hands hold on to your hat."
She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old...
this hat is brand new!"
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a
problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo
shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the
sheet, points and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of
her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece
of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
Melissa was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed
a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates..
"I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know
you were so worried about it!"
BAD USES FOR YOUR VAGINA
10. Flower vase
9. Fly catcher
8. Homeless shelter
7. Condom test facility
6. Suction cup
5. Rodent trap
4. Nut cracker
3. Army training facility
2. Sperm bank
1. Center for Disease Control branch office
Little Johnny Howard had been waiting in a long line to sit on
the department store Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at
it and climbs up.
Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose
with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No."
Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again,
"Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
Johnny again shakes his head, "No..."
The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would
you like for Christmas, little boy?"
Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"
Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't
have any of that!?!?"
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling,
"Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!"
A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country
lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire
rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope
you don't mind but I really do need to have a piss".
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you
go behind this hedge".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits
he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous
legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal
thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his
hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh
until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a
long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God Mary have you changed your sex!".
"No" she replies, "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead".
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when
she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the
first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled
out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her
husband's clothes and she let a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back
hole whistle!"
A blonde call girl was being driven to a secluded spot by a client
when his car left the road, hit a tree and she was flung through the
windshield. She was rushed to the hospital with blood pouring from
her head and face.
Once at the hospital she clamped her hands to her face and began to
scream "I'm blind. I'm blind. Fetch me a doctor quick."
A doctor was summoned and quickly deduced that it was the blood from
her wounds which were blocking her vision and he tried to reassure her
to this effect.
She, however, insisted, continuing to shout. "I'm blind 'chris'sake.
I'm blind.
The doctor pried away her hands from her face and began to wash away
the blood from her eyes. When he had removed what he considered
enough, he stood back and said "How many fingers do I have up?"
The call girl thought for a few seconds then a look of horror spread
across her face.
"Oh God!" she exclaimed. "I'm paralyzed too!"
Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she
insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour,
Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than
anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you,
will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper
on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny
dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny
little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties,
lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done,
there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was
astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was
willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath
her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a
Double-Barrel!"
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, he heard his daughter and her date come
in, and as he turned to greet them, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper.
After being informed of the problem, the daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down, then
shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out!
The daughter said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart, Daddy?
Guess what he's going to be when he gets older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers -- maybe my
son-in-law?!"
There were 3 guys, an Australian, a German and an Englishman.
All guys were discussing their cars etc.
The German says, "I have a jaguar, and i call it 'pussy' cause
it purrs like a cat."
The English man says "Well I have a BMW and i call it Concord,
cause it slices the air while it drives."
Then the Australian says "Well i've got a Holden, and i call it
clitoris"
The other two guys look at him and ask why he calls his car that?
The Aussie replies, "Because every cunt has got one!"
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign
that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000."
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world
worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this."
He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just
like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just
not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman,
and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a
cow, and you're not worth shit."
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the
receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor
right away.
After hours of waiting, her name is called and she's taken to the
examination room. The Doctor asks, "Ok my good woman what is your
problem?"
"Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every
nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved
every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding
place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out!
The doctor says, "Don't be nervous, I see things like this all the
time. He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the
examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber
gloves, he glances up at her and asks...
"I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose
change?"
SON: Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
FATHER: Well son, a vagina before sex is truly a beautiful thing!
It is the most wonderful thing God ever created.
It is more delicate than a fresh picked rose.
It's aroma is more beautiful than the finest of perfumes.
It's feel is that of the softest silk.
It's taste is that of pure nectar.
SON: Wow!!
FATHER: Even the words of the greatest poets fail to do justice to
it's heavenly wonderment. Man would even sacrifice his own soul for
just the mere glimpse of it's pure divinity.
SON: It sounds wonderful, Dad. What do they look like after sex?
FATHER: Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?
One day while his mother was taking a shower
little Johnny saw her naked for the first time.
Johnny: Mommy what is that between your legs?
Mother: Thats where your daddy hit me with the Ax she.
Johnny: Damn, hit you right in the pussy didn't he!!!
A 9th grader grader comes home from his first day of
High School and is greeted at the door by his father,
"How was you first day of school?"
"Pretty good, except all the guys were talking about
pussy, Dad, what's a pussy?"
His father goes to the closet, gets a Hustler magazine,
opens it to the centerfold and circles the pussy with a
pen.
He says, "Son this is a pussy!"
"OK... So, what's a cunt?"
His father looks at him and says, "Anything outside of
the circle son, anything outside the circle!"
A man sitting at a bar leaned over to the woman seated
next to him and said "Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?"
"Absolutely not!!" exclaimed the shocked woman.
"Oh," replied the man "then that must be your feet."
A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was
very proud so he decided to go dancing an give them a try.
After dancing with one lady for a few minutes he said, "I
bet you I can guess the color of your panties."
"O.K.", she replied, "What color do you think they are?"
"Blue", he replied.
"How did you know that", she asked?
"I saw the reflection in my shiney new boots", he said.
"Dance with my sister and tell what color she has on",
the lady said.
After dancing a few minutes the young man started rubbing
the toes on his pant cuffs an started to dance again. After
a few minutes he asked the lady what color panties do you
have on, I can't seem to make them out?"
She replied, "I don't have any panties on."
With a sign of relief the young man said, "Oh good for a
minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots."
Paddy, is taking the wife for a night out down the pub.
He leaves her sitting at the table while he goes to the
bar to get the drinks.
While he's away, a man in a long dirty raincoat approaches
the wife and says to her (Irish accent applies) "Moind, yer
a foine figure of a woman aren't ye" he says. "First, I want
to lift yer blouse and take off yer bra with moi teeth."
To which she replies "yer doirty, doirty old bugger ye."
"Wait, Wait, there's more," he says. "Then, I want to
take off your panties and smother yer buttocks with whipped
cream and lick it all off."
To this, the woman starts screaming for her Paddy.
"Wait, wait, there's more" he says again. "Then I want
to turn you on your head spread your legs and fill your
pussy with lager and drink it through a straw."
Just then Paddy returns, big bloke he is as well. And the
wife says to him "Paddy, I want you to hit this man several
times over the head with a blunt instrument, first," she
says "he wants to take my bra off with his teeth."
Paddy says, "reet I'll take care of him," and he takes
his Jacket off.
"Wait!" she says. "There's more, he then wants to smother
my buttocks with whipped cream and then lick it all off!"
Paddy then starts to role up his sleeves, exposing tattoos
all over his arms.
"Wait!" she says again. "There's more, he then wants to
stand me on my head, fill my pussy with lager and drink it
through a straw!"
At hearing this, Paddy puts his jacket back on and is
quickly making for the door.
"Where the fuck are you going?" the wife says.
Well," he says, "I'm not fighting any man that can drink
that much lager!"
A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when
he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for
crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.
"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but,
as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your
last requests."
The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my
first wish, I'll need my horse."
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy whispered something into the horses ear, and
the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. 20 minutes
later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on
it's back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders,
and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her
into the woods...
"Second wish," said the Chief.
"I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy.
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and
once again the horse rode off over the prairie. 30 minutes
later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head on it's
back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young
lady off the horse, and went into the woods...
"This is your last wish," said the Chief," make it a good one."
"I'll need my horse again." "Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head and put his face
right up to the horse's.
"Look, it's POSSE, ok, POSSE !!!"
The night before my wedding, I called my mama for help.
"Mama, I'm not a virgin, but Billy doesn't know that. What can
I do?"
"Honey, don't worry about it," mama replied. "Lots of women aren't
virgins when they're married. It's no big deal these days."
"Well, Mama, it's a big deal to me. I want Billy to think he's the
first. What can I do?"
"OK, sugar, just go to the butcher's, and get yourself a quarter-pound
of liver. Before you go to bed, sneak into the bathroom and push it up
inside you. After you've done the deed, the blood from the liver will
leak out of you, and when Billy sees it, he'll think his name's Buster
Cherry."
"Thanks, Mama," I said.
I went to the butcher shop and got the liver. Just like Mama said
to do, I pushed it up inside me before I went to bed with Billy.
Well, I tell you, that boy gave it to me so hard and so fierce that I
guess I passed out.
The next morning, I woke up alone. I looked at Billy's pillow, and
there was a note pinned to it. It read:
"Darling,
After I saw how I had so savagely ravaged your beautiful body in my
wanton lust, I have decided I am not fit to remain in your life.
I am leaving to join a monastery in Tibet.
Love, Billy
P.S. Your pussy is in the sink."
"Miss Jones, we can't hire you as a model," the editor from the
men's magazine explained. "It's obvious that your blonde hair isn't
natural, since the hair between your legs is black."
The model picked up the magazine editors bowling ball and slammed
it down on his fingers.
"FUCK! What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.
She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning
black, right? And they've only been banged once."
An extremely fat girl beckons to her boyfriend.
"Put your finger in my pussy and wiggle it."
He does.
"Now put your whole hand in my pussy and shake it."
He does.
"Okay, now put your other hand in too, and move them around."
Once again, he does it.
"Okay, now stick both your arms in up to the elbows. Now clap!"
The guy says, "I can't!"
The fat girl smiles and says, "Tight, huh?"
Concerned that her love-life had quieted down somewhat,
Miss Lottsabazooma went to the doctor for her checkup.
Naturally the first thing he asked her to do was strip
off her clothes. Her doctor noted that she was a little
overweight. "Why don't you diet?" he said.
She looked down and said, "What color do you suggest?"
A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had.
"I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the
tiny ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife
he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really
tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in
the other!"
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the
driver, "I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say,
wanna have a good time?"
"Sure", he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes
off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out
of one?"
The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to
crawl back into."
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see
the obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset
because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both
have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair
to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you
have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker
entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a
variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a
tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to
the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly
American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes
things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big
smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on
American beer!"
A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my
vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't
smell anything."
The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation."
She says, "On my vagina?"
He says, "No. On your nose."
Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get
naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and
then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the
slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the
first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
On Christmas Eve a drunken man was waiting for the bus with three
Christmas boxes. While there, an old lady at the bus stop was giving
him hell for being drunk at Christmas time.
The man, finally fed up with the old lady said, "Lady see this box?
It's a pair of roller skates for my little girl, which cost me $65.
Do you see this box? It's a cowboy outfit with a sheriff's badge and
little guns for my little boy, which cost me $65. And in this box is
a mink coat for my damn wife. It cost me $6500, and do you know what
I am going to get? Three white shirts and a piece of ass, and all
4 are going to be 2 sizes too big!"
A young boy went to stay with his grandparents for the weekend. When
the time came for a shower, Granny was going to have one, too, so she
took the boy with her. Everything was going fine, when the boy looked
up and asked, "Grandma, what's that"?
To which she replied, "Well, dear, that's my possum".
He was happy with that and forgot all about it.
When he was at home and had to have a shower, he went in with his
mum. Looking up he asked, "What's that?"
To which mum replied, "That's my possum, dear".
The boy remembered and said, "Grandma's got one of those, but I
think hers is dead".
Mum asked, "Why is that?"
"Because its tongue was hanging out"!!
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys
were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to
how women can not take enough pain to get a tattoo.
After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman
states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"
The men all look surprised.
The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse
in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"
The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around
the woman.
Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them.
She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a
wimpish smile.
One of the men asks, "What is wrong, sweet lady?"
The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers,
"Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all.
My pussy must have eaten it."
One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen
for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he
was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed
the animals.
Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn.
As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow
bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall,
he kicked it in the head. He poured food into the trough for the pigs,
and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head. He went back
to the kitchen and sat down again.
His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since you kicked the
chickens, you'll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the
cow, you'll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked
the pigs."
Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on
the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs.
The boy looked at his mother and asked "Are you gonna tell him or
should I?"
A woman had a pet skunk which was a devoted pet to her for years.
One day the skunk died. The woman didn't know what to do at first,
as she lived in an apartment and she had no place in the yard to
bury her pet. So she decided to give the pet a proper burial out
in the country. She didn't have a car, so she planned on taking a
bus to the edge of town, then walking from there to some good site.
She got on the bus and sat down behind the driver. About this time,
the skunk wasn't keeping too well, so the woman held the skunk at
arm's length. The driver noticed the smell right away, but he kept
on driving for several blocks. He next opened the window, but that
didn't help.
Finally, he pulled the bus to the curb, and turned around, and
said, "Will the woman with the stinking pussy please get off the bus?"
14 women got off.
A woman walks into a doctors office and says that she's got
a problem 'down below'
The doctor asks whats wrong and the woman says 'well I've got
3 vaginas - and its causing me a lot of trouble'
The doctor is amazed at this and says, wow - I would love to
have three penis' - what can the trouble possibly be?
'Well doc' the woman says 'The problem is that I'm getting
fucked left, right and centre!'
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb
the big tree.
As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened
to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would
see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before
the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?"
The Doctorm replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau
of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area."
A pregnant woman wearing a very short skirt entered the train and
sat in the front of an old man.
"You will give birth to a boy," remarked the old man.
"Thanks, how do you know that?" asked the woman.
"Well, I can see its beard."
A mother and daughter walks into a beauty salon for the girls
first haircut. Eating a cookie while waiting for the beautician,
she is called over next.
As the beautician starts cutting around the little girls head,
she turns to the girl and says, "Do you know you are getting some
hair on your cookie?"
The little girl looks up and smiles and replies, "Yeah, and my
titties are getting bigger too!"
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one
hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a
big bundle of wire.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'
'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this
here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'
'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes
back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of
chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same
kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'
'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape --
I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'
'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes
back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his
eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in
his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid
comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'
'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's a pussy willow.'
'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'
A dumb secretary and a smart one were sitting around in the office
when a delivery boy brought some flowers to the smart one. The dumb
one asked the smart one why she had gotten such a nice present.
"My boyfriend and I had a big fight. This is his way of making up
for it."
She didn't seem overly thrilled by the present, however, to the surprise
of her dumb friend, and she added, "Now I'm going to have to spend the
next two weeks on my back with my legs up in the air."
"Wouldn't it be easier," asked her friend, "just to use a vase?"
There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his
wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be
the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he
had never even seen her nude.
As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his
socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts. He
said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a bit
of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she
sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor. The
man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger
further, did as he was told. Just as he was getting off to sleep,
another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man
asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied
that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the
pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either.
When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a
rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and
had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.
It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily
sauntered along to join the other two.
"What's wrong with you?" Asked the first. "Did you put your foot
in it as well?"
"No," replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..."
Ma and Pa are out having a sit on the front porch one evening,
smoking their pipes and rocking in their rocking chairs. Ma turns
to Pa and says, "Pa, you got to do something about the outhouse".
Pa says, "OK".
Next day, Pa goes out to the outhouse and knocks down the spider
webs, puts in fresh reading material and toilet paper and sweeps
the floor.
That evening, Ma and Pa are out rocking again. Ma turns to Pa
and says, "Pa, you still got to do something about the outhouse".
Pa says, "OK".
Next day, Pa goes out and really does over the outhouse: new coat
of paint, oil on the door hinges, clean the windows; all that sort
of thing. "That ought to do it", he says to himself.
That evening, Ma and Pa are out rocking again. Ma turns to Pa
and says, "Pa, you still got to do something about the outhouse".
Pa turns to Ma and says, "well, suppose you just show me what it
is that needs doin'".
So Ma leads him out to the outhouse, opens the door and says,
"step on in".
Pa steps on in.
"Now, stick your head down through the hole".
Pa does so.
"Look to the left".
He does.
"Look to the right".
He does.
"Now pull your head out".
As Pa pulls his head out, his beard snags on a nail under the seat.
"Yeow!" says Pa.
Ma says, "Annoying, ain't it?"
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted
to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how
he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh, Tarzan
use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on
the ground, and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her
an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."
One night Jerry brought home a dozen roses to his wife. "How lovely,
dear," she commented. "What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," he said simply.
"Not tonight dear. I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and
explained that he wanted to make love.
"I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home an elegant gift, but each
time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black
kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his
wife.
"How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six pallbearers for your dead pussy."
There were 2 fishermen out in a boat on a lake. One looks to the
other and says, "I saw you with your new wife last night and she sure
is gorgeous, I'll bet you love getting that pussy."
The other fisherman replies, "No, I can't fuck her, she has gonorrhea."
"Damn man! Well, I bet she gives one hell of a blow job."
"No, she can't suck my dick because she has pyorrhea."
"Damn, well there's always anal sex."
"No, I can't fuck her in the ass because she has diarrhea."
"Well, what in the hell did you marry the girl for is she has all
these problems?"
"Because she also has worms and I love to fish!"
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair
really smells nice.
The woman, in a huff, immediately goes into her supervisor's office
and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and
explains what had occurred.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the
co-worker telling you your hair smells nice."
The woman replies, "He's a midget!"
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this
and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old
lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old
lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old
lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage
she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet
up over her head.
When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and
has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night
when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower,
jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says,
"For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in,
you're starting to look like an asshole !
Old blind Joe walks into the personnel office at the town sawmill,
and approaches Floyd, the manager.
"Mornin, Joe, what can we do you for?" asks Floyd.
"Well, Floyd, I heard through the grapevine that y'all was needin
a new lumber inspector out on the line," says Joe.
"Uh, no offense, Joe, but you're blind! How can you be a lumber
inspector?" asks Floyd.
"Well, Floyd, y'see, I been practicin. I rubs my hand down a board,
any board, which gives me a feel of the dimensions. Now, you know,
me bein blind and all, my sense of smell is all heightened up real
sensitive like, and then I smells my fingers, which tells me what type
of wood I'd be inspectin. But don't just let me go on about it; take
me out to the line, and I'll show ya that ya can't go wrong by givin
me what I'd consider to be real gainful employment," says Joe.
"OK, Joe, we'll see what we can do," says the good-natured manager.
"Let's go talk to Rafe and the other boys out on the line."
They head on out to the production line, where several workers are
gathered.
"Hey, look, it's Floyd and old blind Joe! What's goin on?" they ask.
"Well, Joe says he wants a crack at the inspector's job, and I can't
talk him out of tryin to show me he can do it," answers Floyd. "So,
what say we send a couple boards down his way, and when he can't say
what they are, we'll just be past this nonsense, OK?"
Old Joe takes his position at the end of the conveyor belt.
"Ready when y'all is, send one on down!" he hollers.
A board comes down the belt. Joe runs his hand up and down it,
smells his fingers, and says, "That'd be a two-by-twelve, eight feet
long, knotty pine."
The workers stare at each other in disbelief.
"How'd he get that?" they mumble.
Another board comes down the belt, and Joe inspects this one, too.
"One by six, eight feet long, rough cedar," he calls out.
"Damn, you know, he's pretty good," says Floyd.
The test goes on for several more types of wood, and Joe is spot on
every time with his call.
"Hey, Floyd, I got an idea that'll be some fun," says Rafe. "I'll
be right back." He runs to the office and returns with a secretary.
"Here, honey, get on the belt, just for a joke," says Rafe. "Lay
down on your back."
The secretary obliges him, and Joe rubs his hand up and down her,
then smells his fingers. He just stands there, shaking his head.
"Well, Joe, what's that one?" Floyd calls out, as the line workers
snicker together.
"Well, I think I know, but it's such an odd one, send it by one
more time," yells Joe.
The secretary gets back on the conveyor belt, but Rafe has her lay
on her stomach this time. Old Joe rubs his hand up and down her,
smells his fingers, then jumps up and shouts, "I knew it! I knew it!
I'll be damned if'n that ain't the shithouse door off'n a tuna boat!"
Dear Sir;
I recently bought a bottle of your Good Pussy brand aftershave,
and I am absolutely delighted with it. As soon as I got it home,
opened it up and stuck my nose in, I knew this was the stuff for me.
Nowadays there's nothing I would rather slap on my face first thing
in the morning than Good Pussy. It stings a little right after
shaving, but it sure sets me up for the day. And the smell,
wow! I tell you, I sure create quite a stir at parties when I
show up with this stuff on my head. I can't believe I got by
without it?
Many Thanks,
Customer for life
Ode to a Pussy
Pussy is a funny thing,
It makes a man a fool.
It takes away his trousers,
And wears away his tool.
When a man climbs on a woman,
He hasn't long to stay.
His mind is full of nonsense,
His ass is full of play.
He jumps on like a lion,
And climbs off like a lamb,
And when he zips his pants up,
He isn't worth a damn.
A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife,
who then remarried someone whom she felt would treat her with more
love and kindness. When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the
street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and
asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours
like fucking in used pussy?"
"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the
used part."
The racing car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home
with her, and took her to bed. After a romp in the sack, he soon
fell asleep, only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him
in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said
the angry woman.
"What are you saying?" insisted the driver.
"In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'what perfect
headlights.' Then, you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what
a smooth finish...'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell
left the garage door open?'"
One day Jack decided that he was going to show the world his new
Blue Cheer laundry detergent. He went up to this lady's house and
asked if he could wash some of her clothes.
She agreed. "Okay lady, I will need a blouse, socks, a pair of
your dirty underwear and two bowls of water."
"Alright, hold on a second," and she went to get those things.
Jack took the blouse and began to sing while washing it.
"WASH, WASH, WASH IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE
CLEAR WATER AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE! IT SMELLS LIKE A ROSE."
The lady smelled her blouse and said, "Oh my, this does smell
good! Here try my socks!"
"WASH, WASH, WASH, IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE,
RINSE, RINSE IN THE CLEAR WATER AND RUN IT UNDER
YOUR NOSE. IT SMELLS LIKE A ROSE!"
The lady smelled her socks and said, "Wonderful! Here try my
underwear!"
"WASH, WASH, WASH, IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE
IN THE CLEAR WATER AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE AND...
...WASH, WASH, WASH!...."
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing
more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual
relationship, and finally decided to purchase some Crotchless
underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he
was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened
up, and donned her Crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She
then strolled between her husband and the television and
suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those panties."
It was the last game of the season, and the stands were packed.
The catcher called the pitcher in from the mound.
"Hey, man, take a look at that blonde woman up there in the third
base bleacher section in the first row. See her?" asked the catcher.
"Yeah... she's a fox," replied the pitcher.
"Well, take a closer look... you can see up her dress, can't you?"
"Yeah... that I can," replied the pitcher.
"Well, you see that dark triangle? What do you think it is...
panties, or pussy?"
"Hmm... I can't tell from here," said the pitcher.
"Why don't you throw a couple fast ones down and inside, so the
batter'll tip 'em foul, and then you can stroll over and check her
out and let me know?"
"I can do that," says the pitcher.
The pitcher fires a screamer down and inside, and the batter swings
--strike! The crowd roars. The catcher motions for the next one to
be a little more inside.
The pitcher fires a second one, and the batter tips it foul. The
pitcher takes advantage of the break, wanders over toward the stands,
reels, then stumbles to the dugout, coughing and moaning, "Oh no, god
please no..."
The catcher runs over and says, "Well, what was it? Pussy?
Panties? What? What the hell's wrong with you?"
The pitcher gags and says, "Neither... FLIES..."
Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and
Kentucky Fried Chicken batter?
It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin' good.
A couple gets married. Forty years later, they're in the same
hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her
clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs...
Her husband looks at her and he begins to weep uncontrollably.
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now, NOW..."
"Now, it looks like it can't wait to eat ME!"
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right
outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While
waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking
out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of There!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women
have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for
a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,
"You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand
down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "You've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no teeth down there."
"Yes there are," he says, "My Mom told me so."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With
that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have
teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties,
throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any
teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the
condition of those gums I'm not surprised!"
The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking
a shower. He asked, "mommy what's that between your legs?"
She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the
bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked,
"Grandma what's that between your legs?"
She replied, "that's my squirrel."
The little boy said, "well mommy has one too but hers is not as
grey as yours."
Grandma replied, "Well your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as
many nuts as mine has!"
Rasstise and Liza were on there way to town to get married. This
was the old days, when they were in a horse and buggy. About 10 miles
from the church, Rasstise stops the horse and says to Liza, "Ok, let
me see it again." So, Liza lifts up her skirt, and he looks down
there, and comes back up just shaking his head.
They go down the road, and Rasstise stops the horse again and says,
"I want to see it once more." Liza again lifts up her skirt, and he
looks down there, and comes up shaking his head.
They got on to the church, but about one mile before they get there,
Rasstice stops once again and says, "I got to see that one more time."
Liza then lifts her skirt again, and once more he looks down there and
comes up shaking his head.
He then says, "I just can't believe your guts just don't fall right
out of there."
There was an 80-year-old virgin who suddenly got an itch in her
crotch. She went to the doctor who checked her out and told her she
had crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she
was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get
a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third
doctor and said, "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know
that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"
The doctor checked her out and said, "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your
cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her
dream to her husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in
this place," she began, "the big ones went for a $10 and the thick
ones went for $20"
"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away as free samples," she replied tongue
in cheek.
"I had a dream too." started the husband. "I dreamt they were
auctioning off pussys. The pretty ones went for $1000 and the
little tight ones went for double that!"
"And how much for the ones like mine?" Enquired the wife to her
husband.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied.
A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a
hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in,
they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the
three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy
if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his
own business and ignored the girls.
While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter
goes up to him and says "if you don't do it with me in bed, I will
pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you
popped my cherry."
Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the
beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over
to him and said "if you don't do it with me, I'll would pour red
juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the
youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said,
"if you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the
bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"
"Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."
A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their
money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden
these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.
A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the
money's gone and there's not flour for bread."
Then his daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my
U-know-what."
The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mama was here
she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of
expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her
husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap
bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift
wrapping on a dead beaver."
A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips
and lands spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand
up but she has landed so hard her pussy has stuck to the floor,
creating such a vacuum that she can't move.
She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his
strength to lift her but she won't budge.
"Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around me and
lift me up that way?" she asks.
"Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub your tits a
little."
"Why?" asks the confused housewife.
"So I can slide you into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in
there."
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said.
"I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is
compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her
in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a
black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that
for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a
while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large
breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong.
I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of
another compliment."
"What did you say?"
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."
Mrs. Jones sent her daughter Silvia to buy some groceries at the
market. On the way she met some boys who asked her to climb up a
tree and get them some fruit of which she did. She bought the
groceries and got back home to her mother.
Mrs.Jones: "Why did you take so long?"
Silvia: "I met some boys who asked me to climb up a tree and
fetch them some fruit."
Mrs.Jones: "Silvia, you should know that when boys ask you to
climb up a tree, all they want to see is your underwear. You
shouldn't have done it."
Silvia: "Mother, I know, that's why I took it off before climbing
up the tree..."
Best friends, Vinnie and Hank, are in their local bar, having
a few drinks. Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard.
Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."
Hank strokes it himself and says, "Ya, you're right!"
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake
iscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so
happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor,
hikes up her dress, squats down, picking the dough up with her
snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that
your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practised and practised until her wedding night. While
her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a
sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can,
threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over
the dough.
Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected
episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit, woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that
thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to
throw any meat at it!"
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first
time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened,
she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her
panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he
said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped
your balls off!"
Types of pussy
Expensive Pussy:
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be
recognised by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex,
bright coloured shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them.
98% of good pussy falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account
depletion.
Often not worth it.
Cheap Pussy:
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who
will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognised
by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when
you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt,
but shakes it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once
and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can
keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want
to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it.
Often not worth it.
Hired Pussy:
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other
large city in the US and abroad. Recognised by scanty clothes and
come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The
difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the
money is up-front.
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your
girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often
very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run,
risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of
jail time is high.
Often not worth it.
Virgin Pussy:
This type is getting rarer each day. Recognised by conservative
clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and
porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will
cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high
as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown
reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight
"fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often
offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause
discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using
birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once.
Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.
Nympho Pussy:
Very rare. Recognised by the tendency to drag you by your balls
into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very
experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies
depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease
risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable,
will not give a steady relationship.
Often not worth it.
Frigid Pussy:
Less rare. (See Virgin Pussy for recognition.) Difference is that
this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is
simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once
recognised.
Never worth it.
Innocent Nympho Pussy:
Rare. Recognised by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which
you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it
does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for Virgin
Pussy. Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if
you can.
Disadvantages: If Virgin Pussy is mistaken for Innocent Nympho
Pussy, serious consequences may result.
May or may not be faithful.
Party Pussy:
Found at bars and at parties. Recognised by glass of wine in hand
and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely
ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped
as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to
say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain
faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you.
Often not worth it.
Nutsy Pussy:
Support System has psychological problems. Recognised by the fact
that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you.
May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent
reason...Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
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