Lewis went out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar.
He awoke with a terrible hangover and went to take some Alka-Seltzer
and relieve himself. When he looked down he saw he had a red and
brown crusty substance around his dick. He scraped off a little of
each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification.
When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some
good news and some bad. The good is that the red substance was
ordinary lipstick, the bad is that the brown substance was chewing
tobacco.
BAD USES FOR YOUR PENIS
10. Swizzle stick
9. Fishing pole
8. Hammer
7. Anal thermometer
6. Clam digger
5. Pole vaulting
4. Baseball bat
3. Doberman bait
2. Kitty scratching post
1. Speed bump
A Scotish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had
ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached
the mmound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was
on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scotish
man was now exited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called
"walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotchman,
extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd,
rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman, extremely
embarrased, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Schotchman's
embarassment, lened over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."
The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...
walk with pride!"
A doctor who specialized in circumcisons was retiring after 30 years.
The nurses had been saving the foreskins for the past 50 circumcisions
and had a wallet made out of them. This was presented to him
at the retirement party.
Upon seeing his gift he said, "Is this all I get after 30 years
of service?"
The head nurse who had presented the wallet replied to him,
"Stroke it and it turns into a suitcase!"
Recently Discovered Benefits of Worshiping and Adoring Your Man's Penis:
1) Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.
2) If you swallow, the protein injested is equivalent to five
porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3) A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.
4) Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes
on the treadmill.
5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6) Intercourse prevents divorce.
7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number
of brain cells.
8) Sex eliminates headaches.
9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard",
triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10) Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your
lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take
care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took
off his jeans exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs
to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his jeans and he's got
hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his
socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria
saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a
half!"
"A foot and a half!? Here, you stir the pasta and I'll go upstairs
and take care of Tony!"
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the
cards, finally shaking her head each time, muttering, "No."
A clerk finally came over and asked, "And how may I help you?"
"I just don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I
laughed at your dick' cards?"
A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he
finally got himself to the doctor, he said,
"How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee
is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let
it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and
on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse
to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he
saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched
them before."
He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!"
In response to the request for "kids growing up" stories, here's one
told to me many years ago by some friends about their five-year-old
daughter Laura. The mother calls it "The Kevin Incident." The father
just says "Like Mother, Like Daughter."
It seems that Laura came home from Nursery School one day and
announced that Kevin had pee-peed in the yard. Since Laura was one of
the older children in the Nursery School group, her parents wanted to
impress on her that she should try to help the younger children learn
right from wrong, so they said "Well, Laura honey, how big is Kevin?"
Whereupon Laura held her two index fingers an inch or so apart and
said "Oh, about this big."
There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner
talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark
space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are
having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front
seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get
some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat
gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on
the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter.
Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at
the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I
put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put
his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
A mother was called into the principle's office about her son.
"We caught your son playing doctor, and we think he needs to see
a psychiatrist."
"What! Kids play doctor all the time, it's a healthy part of
growing up. There's no way my kid should see a shrink about that!"
"Mrs. Collins, we disagree, we catch kids playing doctor all the
time, but we've never seen a kid that specializes in prostate exams."
Woman starts a new job as an executive assistant. Her boss calls her
into his office and say:"Telephone my partner and then pull up a chair
and take some notes."
She says, "Shall I use your dictaphone?"
Boss says, "No, use your finger like everybody else."
A 45 year old goy decides he's looking a bit old, and decides to go
and have surgery to make himself look younger.. so he goes through all
the pain and hassle, and finally when the last bandages come off, it's
a great success.. he looks about 25.
He decides to go down to the local shops and get a few things, and
to see how other people react to his transformation.. so he goes into
the first shop.. a chemists, and buys a few things, and then asks the
guy behind the counter.. "excuse me, but just out of curiosity, how
old do you think I am?"
The guy takes a long look and says "I'd say about 25 or so why?"
Delighted, the guy says "I'm actually 45!".
So he leaves, and tries the same experiment in a few other shops,
with the same result.
So he finally decides to go home, and walks to the bus stop, where
there is a little old lady waiting for the bus to arrive. Just as a
final check of his looks, he decides to ask her opinion.. "the little
old lady looks closely, and says "Mmm.. tricky.. drop your trousers
and underwear, and I'll tell you".
The guy thinks it's a bit odd, but as he's curious, he does as she
asks. She then proceeds to feel around, prodding and poking, pulling
and squeezing etc.
After a while, the guy says "well, how old do you think I am?".
She replies, "Oh you're 45".
Aghast the man says "how the hell can you tell, my face is that of a
25 year old".
With a grin she replies, "maybe, but I was behind you in the chemists
earlier"
A redneck woman who lived on a farm called for her son, "Johnny,
where are you boy? Time for dinner."
Johnny replies, "I'm behind this barn with my friend."
She says, "What in lord's name are you doing back there?"
Johnny says, "We seeing who has the longest dick, and mine's
13 inches!"
She then says, "WHAT!! Get inside the house right now you
motherfucker!"
Johnny, who is alarmed, says, "Please mom, I'm not a motherfucker."
She says, "You will be once you get inside this house."
The Scot closed down the village pub and staggered out onto the
path. Not going far, he fell over into the bushes and passed out.
The next morning three ladies on their way to the market came
across his outstretched legs in the path.
The first looks up and down the path and then gently lifts his
kilt and takes a peek. "Well, he's not my husband" she announces.
The second comes forward, lifts the kilt and also takes a peek.
"You're right," she says. "He's not your husband."
The third steps forward, lifts his kilt and takes a long look.
"Och!", she says. "He's not even from this village! "
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release.
He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was
told to go to 365 E West Street. By mistake, he went to 365 W East
Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman
in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to
an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with
him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair
and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different
approach this house offered.
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered
and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his
hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot".
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then
I'll take my business elsewhere".
Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor,
a balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair
loss. A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing
a chemical that showed great promise. Within a week after taking
the recommended dosage, a heavy growth of hair appeared on the
bald man's scalp. He was very happy at first, but soon became
alarmed when hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body.
After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist.
"What the hell did you give me?" he demanded.
"It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth."
"Aha!" exclaimed the man. "That would explain the size of my balls!"
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix
up, he ended up having a complete sex change. All of the doctors and
nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could
give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they
explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be adle to experience an
erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have
to be someone else's, that's all."
On their wedding night, Bruce displays his member to his new blonde
bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course,
believes him. He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks he
returns, only to be questioned by his new wife.
"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the
world. But Harry at the drug store has one too."
"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together,
I had two, so I gave him one of mine."
"Oh. Well, why did you give him the bigger one?"
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman
if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas
and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I expect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else
I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan
counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask
you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"
Joseph was very depressed. He ran into his friend Jon. Jon asked
him what was wrong.
"I'm just depressed and can't get over the fact that I have
three balls."
"Three balls? You're DEPRESSED? Son, we can make a *fortune* with
this!" Jon exclaimed.
"How do we do that?"
"We go from bar to bar, and bet everyone that between you and the
bartender you've got five balls. It can't miss!"
Joseph brightens up and off they go.
They get to the first bar, make friends with some of the strangers
at the bar, then made the announcement, "I'll bet anyone that between
the bartender and my friend Joseph, they've got five balls." Jon
announced.
Almost everyone rushed up to place their bets.
Jon turned to the bartender and said, "You don't mind if we use
you on this, do you?"
The bartender said, "Not at all. In fact, I'm very impressed."
"Yeah?" Jon asked, "How come?"
"Well, I've never met a man with *4* balls before. I've only got one."
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam always wanted an
expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing a beautiful pair on sale
one day, he bought them and wore them home. When he arrived home
he asked Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt and pants you wore
yesterday."
"What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam went into the bathroom, undressed and came out
completely naked, wearing only his new boots.
Again he asked, "So Bessie, NOW do you notice anything different
about me?"
Bessie responded, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down
tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN?
Cause it's looking at my New Boots!"
Bessie replied, "Shoulda bought a hat!"
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.
However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and
he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does
that to a girl will die that very minute!"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced
him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had
never been kissed before.
When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to
kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of,
it won't hurt."
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very
minute!!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that
she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has
begun to get stiff!!"
A young man goes to his doctor with a personal problem.
He pulls down his pants and displays a rather long and large
penis.
"So, what's the problem?" the doctor asks.
"I can't get beyond a first date with a woman. A kiss, a
touch or even just a whiff of her perfume and whammm! I get
this tent in my pants."
The doctor thinks for a moment. "Well, drugs are really
out of the question, they could have some long term side
effects. Have you tried strapping it to your leg?"
The young man agrees to try it. A couple of days pass and
the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"So, how did things work out?"
"Okay, at first," the young man admits sheepishly. "I took
this girl out on a first date, we had a great time, and with
it strapped to my leg my erection wasn't so obvious. When I
took her home, she leaned over to give me a good-night kiss
on the front steps, giving me a peek down her blouse, and
that's when it happened."
"What?"
"That's when I kicked her right in the face!"
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?
Take the razor and lather up,
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls, and cut off my dick?
Easy now, hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake,
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head, get ridda the hair.
So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice, without one nic!
"Feel 'em baby, they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes, get in the groove!"
She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby, ain't giving no head!"
She rolls on over, and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off, I'm about to crack!
Next day, it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats,
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair.
The elderly man entered the used car lot together with his young
wife. The owner of the used car lot spotted the couple and went over
to wait upon them himself. He could not help staring at the lady,
which, of course, the elderly man noticed.
"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my
wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay
you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me
for free!"
"OK, agreed!"
The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the used car
lot owner did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and
kissed her breasts. So did the used car lot owner. Then the husband
opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in half.
"What colour car do you want?" asked the used car lot owner.
The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the
evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment,
the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you
have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
Kristina had come to see Dr. Darrah. When the shrink began using
sexual terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"
"A phallic symbol," explained Dr. Darrah, "is anything that
represents the phallus."
"What's a phallus?" asked Kristina.
"Well," said the analyst, "the best way to explain it is to show
you." He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his pecker. "This
is a phallus."
"Oh," said the girl. "It's like a cock, only smaller."
A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was
a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed
as the 15-year old grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke
up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman, Fast!!"
The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, it's
three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this
hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's *MY* dick you're
holding...not yours."
Two lovers were driving down a highway when the girl decided to
give her lover a hand job. The man soon lost control of the car and
crashed into a tree.
The woman was thrown from the car, but the man seemed fine buckled
in the car. The paramedics looked at the woman & air lifted her to
the hospital.
Meanwhile, the man was hunched over in the car, moaning.
The paramedic asked him why he was moaning, because he wasn't hurt.
The man said, "Oh yeah?! Go look in her hand!"
Two guys have a big knife fight and really tear each other up.
One guy ends up in the hospital bandaged from head to toe. He can't
even move his lips.
He mumbles to the doctor, "When will I be able to laugh again?"
The doctor says, "Are you nuts? You almost died."
The guy says, "No kidding, Doc, when will I be able to laugh again?"
The doctor says, "You're nuts. You're sewn together with ten feet
of thread. Why the hell do you want to know when you can laugh again?"
The guy says, "Because the other guy is getting married next week
and I've got his dick in my coat pocket."
A farmer was out hunting one day, when all of a sudden, his gun
misfired, and the shot hit him right in the arm. The farmer dropped
his gun, and cradled the arm in his other arm. The shot arm was
hanging on by a string. He made his way back to the house, and had
his wife drive him in to the country doctor.
He went to the doctor, and laid the arm gently down on the table.
He looks the doc in the eyes, and says, "Okay, doc, I don't want any
of that sleepin' stuff, and no Novocain, or pain killers. You just
start sewin' on this arm best way you know how!"
Well, the doc starts stitching away. Even the doctor is wincing
at every stitch. Finally, the doc can't take it anymore. He looks
up at the farmer, and says, "Man, don't this hurt a lot?"
Farmer says, "Yep, third worst pain I ever had in my life."
The doc jumps back. "Third worst pain you ever had in your life?!
Here, you done near shot your arm off, and I'm here, stitchin' it up
with no pain killers, or sleepin' stuff, and you're tellin' me this
is only the third worst pain you ever had in your life? I know there
can't be anything much worse than this!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc...try this one on for size. I was out
a-huntin' one day, and I had to take me a mean dump. So I found me
a clump of bushes, dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar
bushes when a bear trap snapped shut on my nuts!"
Doc says, "Oh my God! You had a bear trap snap shut on your nuts,
and you're tellin' me that's only the second worst pain you ever had
in your life?! Now I KNOWS there cain't be nuthin' worse than that!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc, well you just try it when the slack in
the chain runs out!"
Mark, the unemployed Porno star was looking for someone to
represent him.
"Do you have am 8 x 10?" asked the agent.
"Shit," replied Myrddin, "if I had an 8 x 10, I wouldn't
be out of work!"
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his
testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he
tells her, by way of poetic concealment.
Impressed, the girl then tells this to her mother, who replies,
"Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices
a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter
over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent
over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl,
saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and
decides to send a note to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have
a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and you must have
8 inches in your trousers."
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back
to her. It reads: "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW,
and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweet-heart,
would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle."
PENIS ENVY
If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper,
I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper.
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties,
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay,
I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day.
I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick-shifts,
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I'd peek around corners,
I'd aim at my toilet,
I'd poke it at foreigners,
And soap it and oil it.
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother,
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge,
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
A penis to plunder, a penis to push,
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush,
A penis to love me, a penis to share...
To pick up and play with when nobody's there,
I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair,
I'd play with my fly, albeit with care.
I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets,
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets,
I'd stick it in vacuums on vacant verandas,
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas,
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Pool halls and potholes and bottles and bitches...
If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain,
I'd force it on females,
I'd pee like a fountain...
If I could have a penis and still be a girl,
I'd make much more money and conquer the world.
Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks'
home one evening, Henry in his pyjamas and dressing gown.
Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's
sticking out!"
Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear.
My willy is HANGING out!"
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship.
They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down
to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make.
The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts
and... misses. They lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming,
"I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer
than my dick!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies,
"Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life,
the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party
in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was
talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such
a presence on the French and International scene for so many
years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are
you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...
and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie,
I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that
the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test
it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned
the switch on and ... voila, everything else was automatic!!
He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much
pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could
not take the instrument off.
He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried
every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze, shake,
or suck harder or less, but still without success.
Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
The farmer said, "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your
company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's
udder?"
Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that
it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk."
"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is
the cruelest disease."
"Crueler than cancer?" his friend asked.
"You bet," the first codger replied.
"It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the
right one."
The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good
friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same
apartment building. The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if there was
anything she could do to help.
He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me
take a bath?"
She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual
erection begin to appear. "Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look
Henry, it still recognizes me."
A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing
REALLY short shorts.
"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed
up in the truck.
"It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up
with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having
eight inches of Snow in June?"
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout
Time was when, on its own accord
>From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes
A small aircraft crash lands in the middle of the desert and the pilot
and co-pilot wandered around for days and days with nothing to eat.
Finally the co-pilot announced, "I'm so hungry, I'm going to chop off
my willy and eat it."
"NO, no, don't do that," the pilot urged. "Just think of your
girlfriend."
"What's the point?" the other man said. "At this rate I will never
see her again anyway."
"I don't mean it like that," the pilot replied. "It's just that if
you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for the both
of us."
Penis Advertising Slogans!
The Excedrin Penis - it's ttthhhiiisss big
The Snickers Penis - It satisfies your craving
The Magnovox Penis - Smart. Very smart.
The Life-Call Penis - It's fallen and it can't get up.
The American Express Penis - Don't leave home without it.
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis - How many licks DOES it take...?
The M&M Penis - Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
The Lucky Charms Penis - They are magically delicious.
The Energizer Penis - It keeps going and going.
The Right Guard Penis - Anything less is uncivilised.
The Campbell's Soup Penis - Mmmm mmmm good
The McDonald's Penis - Over 8 billion served.
The Ragu Penis - Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Cobain Penis - It blows itself away.
The All-State Penis - You're in good hands.
The 7-Up Penis - The un-penis.
The Bud Lite Penis - Great taste, less filling.
The Barq's Penis - The one with bite.
The Beef Penis - It's what's for dinner.
The Transformer Penis - It's more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler Penis - It makes mouths happy.
The Sega Penis - PENIS!
The Starburst Penis - The juice is loose.
The Timex Penis - Takes a lickin and keeps on...
The Burger King Penis - It takes two hands to handle a whopper.
The Flintstones' Vitamins Penis - 10 million strong and growing.
The Wendy's Penis - Where's the beef?
The Lay's Penis - Betcha can't eat just one.
The Little Ceasar's Penis - Penis!Penis!
The Bounty Penis - The quicker picker-upper.
The Domino's Pizza Penis - Delivers in 30 minutes or less.
The Rice Krispies Penis - What does your penis say to you?
The Extra Penis - Lasts an extra, extra, extra long time.
The Charmin Penis - Don't squeeze the penis!
The Beatles Penis - Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Oasis Penis - Thinks it is the Beatles penis.
The Windows '95 Penis - If you ask it to do too much, it will crash.
The Virginia Slims Penis - You've come a long way, baby.
The Secret Penis - Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
The Sanka Penis - Good to the last drop.
The Payday Penis - It's almost totally nuts!
The Yellow Pages Penis - Let your fingers do the walking.
The Reese's Penis - How do you eat your penis?
The Sustecal Penis - More protein, less fat.
The Just For Men Penis - A sure thing for a natural look.
The Milk Penis - It does a body good.
The Taco Bell Penis - It runs for the border.
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Penis - It's the adult thing to do.
The AOL Penis - It's so easy to use, no wonder it is #1.
The Pontiac Penis - Built for kicks, built for keeps!
The Psychic Penis - It knows you are coming before you do.
The Pinocchio Penis - The longer you lie, the more it grows.
The AMTRAK Penis - All Aboard
The Wendy's Penis - Hot and juicy
The Visa Penis - It's everywhere you wanna be
The Baskins-Robbins Penis - 31 flavours.
The Molson Penis - An honest penis makes its own friends.
The Nuprin Penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
The Equal Penis: Tastes like Sugar.
The Raid Penis: Kills bugs dead.
The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing... Taste is everything.
The Alkaseltzer Penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz... Oh, what a relief it is...
The Pringles penis: once you pop, you can't stop
The Frosted Flakes penis: They're GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!
The Metra penis: The way to REALLY fly
The Jolly Green *Giant* penis: self-explanatory
The Kix penis: kid tested, mother approved.
The Purdue penis: more meat, less bone.
The Nike penis: just do it.
The Borden penis: it's GOT to be good.
The Subway penis: where fresh is the taste.
The Kentucky Fried Chicken penis: everybody needs a little.
The Life penis: Mikey likes it.
The Crest penis: recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
The Toyota penis: I love what you do for me.
The Dairy Queen penis: hot eats, cool treats
The Army penis: be all that you can be.
The Uncle Sam penis: we want you.
The Wizard of Oz penis: "oh my!"
The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it...
The Doublemint penis: chewing really satisfies.
The Juicyfruit penis: the taste is gonna move ya.
The Big Red penis: it's longer with big red.
The Matthew Sweet penis: 100% fun.
the Robutussin Penis II: Recommended by Dr. Mom
the Pizza Hut penis: Makin' it great.
the Bounce Penis: With Static-Guard!
the Budweiser penis: this pud's for you
the Siskel & Ebert penis: 2 thumbs up...
Thw nyquil penis: the nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose,
itching, burning, so you can't rest penis.
The Gilette penis: The best a man can get.
The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it IS longer.
The bacardi penis: taste the feeling.
The macintosh penis: power is everything.
The edge shaving cream penis: ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
The jell-o penis: look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.
The at&t penis: reach out and touch someone.
The swiss miss penis: the taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere!
The heinz penis: good things come to those who wait.
The Life Savers penis: Five fruity flavors.
The Chevy Truck Penis: Like a rock!
The Mazda Penis: It just feels right.
The Ford Penis: Built Ford Tough
The Butterfinger Penis: No Body Better Lay a Finger On My Penis
The Eggo Penis: Leggo My Penis
The Skittles Penis: Taste the Penis
The Bic Lighter Penis: Go Ahead Flic My Penis
The Pepsi Penis: The Choice Of The Next Generation
The Almond Joy Penis: Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut
The Wrigley's Spearmint Penis: When I Can't Smoke, I Enjoy Pure
Penis Satisfaction
The BMW Penis: Engineered Like No Other Penis In The World
The Dr. Pepper Penis: Just What The Dr. Ordered
The Grey Poupon Penis: Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Penis?
The Saturn Penis: A Different Kind Of Company, A Different Kind Of Penis
The Rolaids Penis: How Do You Spell Relief? P-E-N-I-S
The Tums Penis: Something My Body Needs Anyway. I Like That
The Centrum Silver Penis: Because You're Over 50
The Slim Fast Penis: Lose Weight, Feel Great
The Absolut Penis: Absolutly
The Colt 45 Penis: Gets Them Every Time
The Pork Penis: The Other White Meat
The Coors Penis: The Rocky Mountain High
The Bud Penis: "... Because I Love You, Man."
"Forget It Johnny You're Not Getting My Penis"
The In And Out Penis: What a Penis Is All About
A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
The somewhat surprised applicant asked, "When does everyone else start?
I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 o'clock, but I should be honest with you,"
explained the interviewer. "Nothing gets done before 10 o'clock because
we just sit and scratch our balls trying to decide what to do first."
The phone rang in the doctor's surgery and a deep husky voice said,
"Doctor, I think you overdid the hormone injections the other day.
My voice has gone very deep"
the doctor replied, "Don't worry Miss Watson. It's a perfectly
natural reaction. It'll be back to normal in a couple of days.
By the way, while you're on the phone, are there any other symptoms?
"Well, yes, Doctor, there are," said Miss Watson. "I have got curly
hair growing between my breasts"
"Oh, dear," said the doctor, "That's very unusual. Tell me, how far
down does it go?"
"All the way down to my testicles," came the reply.
This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time
walking. He is hunched over. He goes up to the counter and says,
"Banana Split, please."
The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"
The old man says, "No, Arthritis."
Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory,
when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lorne's penis was twisted
like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Lorne said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Lorne said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Lorne said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy
a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Lorne said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Cripes," Lorne said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
It ain't easy being a dick...
I got a head I can't think with,
An eye I can't see out of,
My closest neighbour is an ass-hole,
My best friend is a pussy,
And my owner makes me do press up, until I throw up.
A man was sitting next to a lady in the cinema. "That smells nice,"
he said what have you got on?
"White Linen" replied the lady.
"What have you got on," she asked
"A hard on but I never knew you could smell it!"
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they
come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to
take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking
a bath in the lake.
The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.
Snow White relents and says, "Oh all right; when I get into the water
and you hear the splash, you can turn around and come in."
Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water,
at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the
water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they
turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
This is an idea for a TV ad, what is the product being advertised?
"SEVEN UP"
Things Never to Say to a Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
31. That's it?
32. Wow - look at all the hair on your back!
33. Maybe you should start going to the gym more.
34. That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator?
35. Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?
36. Wake me when it's over, ok?
37. I think the condom's too big.
38. Zzzzzz....
39. You want me to what?!?
40. Well, that explains the padded pants.
41. Did you take out the garbage yet?
42. My husband's in the Marines.
43. He's due home any day now.
44. Is that a toupee?
45. So THAT'S what your ex warned me about!
46. No.
47. Surgery might be able to help.
48. Not until you've showered.
49. That must be my mother on the phone.
50. Your brother's bigger.
51. Your best friend's better.
52. Are you done yet?
53. Wow! Look at the size of your.....beer gut!
54. Size doesn't REALLY matter, dear.
55. You might want to see a doctor about that.
56. Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!
THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
71. Nevermind, why bother.
72. My clit's bigger than that.
74. That looks just like a penis . . . only smaller.
PLAYGIRL INC.
AUSTRALIAN BRANCH
PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND 02902
Dear
We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid photo which we
recently received. We regret, however, that we will not be able
to use your photo as our "Playgirl's Man of the Month".
When rated by our AAW (Auaricious Australian Women) on a scale of
1-10 your body was rated a minus 2 (-2). The panel is comprised
of widowed females ranging in ages from 50-75 years old who have
been deprived of sexual activity for a minimum of five years.
To confirm your below average rating, we submitted your photograph
to a second panel, the HUHA (Horny Undersexed Housewives of
Australia), whose age range from 25-35. However, we could not get
them to contain their laughter long enough to rate you.
Please be assured, that should the tastes of Australian women
deteriorate so drastically that a body such as yours would be in
demand, you will be notified. Meanwhile, please do not call us,
we will call you.
Sincerely,
PLAYGIRL INC.
P.S. It pains us to inform you, that had your photo been used,
the staple holding our centrefold together would have completely
obstructed what you refer to as your "item of interest".
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical
island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one
day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off,
washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed
for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.
She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again.
Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says,
"Well, how do you like love?"
He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."
The wife had had a hard day with the kids. The husband came home
in a foul mood. And not much was said at all during a dinner which
no one seemed to like.
After the kids were bathed and bedded, she took a long, leisurely
bath and crawled into bed. She was nearing peaceful sleep, when an
unwashed, slightly drunken husband came into the bedroom, ripped off
his clothes, climbed into bed and plopped on top of her.
"Get off of me!"
"Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?"
"No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. Why the hell would
you ever imagine you could hurt me with THAT!?"
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate
accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable
to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital.
"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."
The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear,
your father has only six inches."
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her
name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was
done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you
could see was W Y.
Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in
Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to
him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The
American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No, mine says Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
A guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts,
"Ballroom, please."
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says,
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's
your secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread.
I'm not kidding!
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before
you're done!
Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?
A man is urinating one day when the end of his willy drops off. He
thinks, "This is probably not a good thing", so he picks up the knobby
end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits
in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.
The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"
"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is."
And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about?
This is a marshmellow!"
"Well, that's not right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!"
This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket
the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over
a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis.
So, he went to the doctor and got put under the gas. When he woke
up, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it.
When he was ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.
"This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."
The guy says "Is your brother a doctor too?"
The doc replies "No, he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put
your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone,
with the inscription : "Here lies my wife - cold as ever."
Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone
- on which the inscription read: "Here lies my husband - stiff at last."
One day a boy and a girl are playing in a sandbox. The boy stands
up and his pants fall down. He looks down and then the girl asks what
is that. The boy didn't know. The girl stood up and pulled her pants
down but didn't know what hers was either. The boy went home and asked
his dad what his was. His dad said thats your car you can park it in
anybodys garage you want to. The girl asked her mom what hers was and
her mom said thats your garage, don't let anybody park their car in it.
The next day they were playing when all the sudden the boy went home
screaming bloody murder. The girl went home with blood on her hands.
Her mom asked her why and she said some boy parked his car in my garage
so I ripped off his back tires!
A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas,
and an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.
"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to
that Indian to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms
around him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only
available urinal, between two elderly men.
He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there
are two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa.
They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees...three streams!!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes"
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and
see...12 streams!!
"War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"
A guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender where the
toilet is. The bartender tells him that it's down the hall and to
the right. The man leaves the bar to use the toilet. All of a sudden,
the bar patrons hear a loud scream, and they wonder what is going on
in the toilets. A few minutes, go by and again everybody at the bar
hears a loud scream coming from the toilets. This time the bartender
goes into the toilet to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming
about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to
flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says,
"No wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
Another poem assignment. Little Johnny's poem was, "As I walking
down the hall, I spied a cockroach on the wall".
The teacher was amazed!!.. She has come to expect terrible poems
from Johnny. She said, "Johnny, that was wonderfull. I would like
you to repeat it, but please leave the "cock" out of the cockroach".
So Johnny repeated his poem, " As I walking down the hall, I spied
a roach on the wall".... "With his cock out"....
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the
pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting
for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large
bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful...I had
tennis elbow once."
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and
very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was
open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks
door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look
down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he
asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open
this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw
was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
One day a little girl was walking along the beach and saw a naked
man. Looking down, she asked the man, "What's that?"
"It's my bird", the man replied.
"Well, can I play with it?" "Only if you go and ask your mom first"
Hearing this, the little girl runs home to her mother and asks her,
"Mommy, can I play with a man's bird?"
The mother, thinking it was a normal bird, replied, "O.K. honey"
When the girl got back to the beach, the man was sleeping, but thought
it okay because she got both his and her mom's permission.
When the man woke up he found himself lying in a hospital bed with
the girl standing beside him. Confused, he asked her, "What happened?"
The girl promptly replied, "Well, when I was playing with your
bird he spit on me, so I bit off his head, cracked his eggs and
burnt his nest".
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when he asked his teacher
a question, "Please Miss," he said, "What's a Penis?"
The teacher thought it was an excellent question so she told the class
that it would be their homework for the night. When little Johnny got
home he immediately went to his father and asked him what a penis is.
His father undid his trousers and said, "Look son, that's a penis."
Johnny was very pleased that it had been so easy to do his homework.
The next day, on his way to school he met Mary but she was in floods
of tears."Why are you crying?" he asked.
"Well I wasn't able to do my homework," she sobbed."Nobody would
tell me what a penis is."
"OK, I'll help you," said little Johnny.
As he undid his trousers he said to Mary, "Look, you see this.
Well, this is a Dick. A penis is about three inches shorter!"
A virgin white girl got married to a black guy and she was rather
nervous about the wedding night because she's heard that black men
are better endowed than white men.
She explained this to her husband, who told her that he knew how
to get around the situation, which is to show her bit by bit.
She lay in bed and saw 3 inches of him come around the door, "Are
you nervous yet?" asked her husband.
"No, I'm OK." she replied.
Another six inches came around the door and he asked, "Are you
still OK?"
"Yes." she replied.
A further foot came around the door and she said, "I'm still
not nervous."
"OK," her husband replied, "I'm coming up the stairs."
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery
and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the
guy was doing.
The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room
in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows,
make the bed, give back rubs, etc.
"Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."
"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little
fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven
stitches."
Two 5 year old boys are waiting in the doctor's office.
The one says to the other, "What are you in for?"
"Circumcision," says the other.
"Oh I had that done when I was first born. I couldn't
walk for a year!"
A guy wakes up with a raging ramrod erection. Even
after a cold shower it's still in full glory. He calls
up a friend and tells him of his predicament.
"Worry not, my buddy runs a pharmacy and he'll know
what to give you to take care of it."
"How will I be able to go out, it's so embarrassing?"
"Just carry a coat on your arm in front of yourself."
So it's off to the drug store... He rushes up to the
prescription counter and stops dead in his tracks. It's
a female pharmacist!
"Sir can I help you?" he starts stammering and turning
red.
"Sir, I've had medical training and I can take care of
any problem you have, so relax and tell me what's wrong."
He moves his arm and coat and says, "What can you give
me for this?"
She takes one look at his enormous bulge and says, "Half
the Drug Store!"
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly
lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything
besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping
in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It
has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other
buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of
the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard
almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and
asks, "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and
haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your
house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
condition, You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I
promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
tommorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you
then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests
ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house.
Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would
live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after
showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was.
She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been
lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without
companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional
monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't
keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and
they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a
minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night
thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be
worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight
on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge
rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st
Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself
as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the
shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd
worst Chinese torture test, Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to
be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside
the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese
torture test, Left testicle tied to bedpost".
Three cowboys are sitting around a camp fire, telling
stories about how tough they are.
First one said, "I once wrestled a rampaging bull to the
ground with my bare hands."
Second one said, "That's nothin' -- I once bit the head
clean off a rattler.
The third one said nothing... just sat there silently
stirring the coals with his dick.
A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was
noticing her expanding backside.
He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big...almost as
big as the gas grill here."
She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed,
saying, "yep, that thing is getting huge."
At this the wife retreated to the far side of the yard.
Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the
width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas grill!"
Later that night when they were in bed, the husband
started making moves on his wife. She just turned away.
"C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for
ONE LITTLE WEINER!"
A man goes into the old Automat in NYC for dinner, and
being from out of town is fascinated with he novelty of
getting dinner from the little windows. After dinner he
wanders to a private section of the room looking for a
rest room and encounters a wall covered with various
openings and glass doors. He reads some of the instructions,
then finds a spot with hat sizes which reads "Haircut: $2.50".
He puts in his money, sticks his head in the 7 3/8 hole
and there is a buzzing around his ears. When he withdraws
his head he has a neat haircut. The guy is amazed, and then
discovers a spot with two openings near the floor.
The sign says, "Shoe Shine -- $1.00" He puts in the money,
sticks his feet in and gets a fine shine. He then sees an
opening about half way up the wall and a sign saying, "For
when the wife's away -- $5.00". He's a bit puzzled and
hesitant, but figures why not try it. He looks around,
unzips and withdraws, placing his most precious part into
the hole expectantly, and is greeted with a stabbing pain.
He yells, pulls it out, and there's a button sewn on it!
How can you tell if a guy is really hung?
1) He can win a 3-legged race. Solo.
2) When he steps out of the shower, it looks like
he's playing croquet.
3) He works as a speed bump.
4) He has to use a tire-iron to remove his condom.
There was once an emperor who decided to see who his best
samurai was. He held great contests, and finally it was
down to the last three competitors.
"This is a test to see who is the greatest samurai in all
the land" he explained. "You will face the test one at a
time, and I will decide the winner."
Samurai number one, come forward!"
And he did. And from his robe the emperor pulled a
little, bitty bamboo box, cracked it open, and out
fluttered a small fly. The samurai leapt forward,
pulled his sword, and slashed.
Aieee!" he cried; and the fly fluttered to the floor,
perfectly halved.
"Ah, very good!" cried the emperor.
"Second Samurai, come forward!"
And he did. And from his robe the emperor pulled another
little, bitty bamboo box, cracked it open, and out fluttered
another small fly.
"Aiee, Aiee!" yelled the second samurai, his sword flashing.
And the fly fluttered to the flour, perfectly quartered.
"Ah, very very good!" cried the emporer.
"Third Samurai, come forward!"
And he did. And from his robe the emperor pulled a little,
bitty bamboo box, cracked it open, and out fluttered the
last small fly.
"Aiee! Aiee! Ha! Aiee!" yelled the samurai, his sword
flashing in all directions. And the fly fluttered out
the window and flew away.
"Not so good!" cried the emperor. "You did not kill
the fly!"
"No," said the samurai, "But that fly, he never have
children..."
One day a bartender put up a sign on his door that read,
"If you can make my horse laugh I'll give you a free beer."
So a guy walked in and said, "I'd like to try," and the
bartender showed him to the horses stall out back and let
him in. The bartender went back to the bar and waited, and
the man came back and said, "He's laughing, where's my beer?"
The bartender was suprised and went back to check and sure
enough the horse was laughing, so he gave the man a free beer.
The bartender asked, "How did you do that?"
The man said "Its my secret", and left.
The next day the Bartender saw that his horse was laughing
non-stop and it was beginning to irritate him.
Frustrated by this he put up a sign saying, "If you can
make the horse cry I'll give you 2 free beers."
The same man walked in and said, "I'd like to try"
and the bartender showed him to the horse stall again and
went back to the bar to wait. The man came back and sure
enough he said, "The horse is crying, now, give me my free
beers."
The bartender was suprised once again and went back to
the stall to check, and sure enough the horse was crying.
The bartender asked the man again, "How in the world
did you do that, will you please tell me."
The man said, "Ok, ok, I'll tell you.
"First I told the horse my dick was bigger than his, and
the second time I showed it to him."
The scene: The University of Edinburgh medical school, a
second-term human physiology course. Prof. Kenneth Ivors,
Instructor: "Good morning, class. Before we begin today's
lecture, I should like to discover how well ye have been
tracking the previous material.
Miss MacMaster, will ye stand?"
She stands.
"Can ye tell me, which organ of the body achieves 10 times
its normal size when it is excited?"
She stammers, reddens, says nothing.
"You may sit down, Miss MacMaster. Mr. Campbell, will ye
answer that question?"
"Tis the pupil of the eye, sir."
"Very good. Now, Miss MacMaster, I have three things to
say to ye: One, ye have not done your homework. Two, ye
have a dirty mind. And three, you're in for a big
disappointment."
A West Virginia woman and her friend went to the local farmstand.
The woman asked the farmer for "the two biggest potatoes that you
have." The farmer goes over to the garden and digs up two enormous
spuds.
The woman takes one in each hand (she can barely hold them), looks
at them, turns to her friend, and says, "These here are just like my
husband's balls."
Her friend, astonished, says, "Your husbands balls are THAT BIG!?"
"No," says the woman, they're that dirty!"
A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the
Men's Room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain
relief after the long flight and many drinks.
The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?"
"Yes."
"You come from Sudbury?"
"Yes."
"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"
"Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much
about me?"
The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel
is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting
at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!"
Several years ago Great Britain funded a study to determine
why the head on a man's penis is larger that the shaft. The
study took two years and cost over $180,000.00. The results
of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's
penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with
more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct
their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that
the results of the British study were incorrect. After three
years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000.00, they
concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the
shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the German Study were released, the U.S.
decided to conduct their own study. The Yanks didn't really
trust the British or German studies. So, after nearly three
weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00,
the American study was complete. It came to the conclusion
that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger that the
shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you
in the forehead.
Penis Lengthening for Beginners
First, take a firm grip on the tip (that's the end without the
arms and legs on for those of you watching in black-and-white),
next find a handy door (one with a handle and some hinges is fine),
then open the door a small way, and put the tip in. The next bit
is difficult, so you may want to get an adult to help you. Now
slam the door as hard as you can, so the tip is firmly fastened
in the jam (remember, not to hard, you don't want to cut that tip
right off). Right, now that your penis is nicely jammed, wedge
your feet against either side of the door, in line with your
manhood and straighten you legs as much as possible, stretching
your member as far as it will go (not too far, it could snap!).
Open the door and examine your penis. It should be at least one
centimetre longer. Repeat this exercise everyday and within a
month I can guarantee that you will have either
I. An /enormous/ penis
Or
II. A heart attack.
This message courtesy of Doctor Ivor Biggun, specialist in
treating men with very small penises.
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several
well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two
gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the
guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and
while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped
up and did graceful swirling dance movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host,
'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him
a hundred bucks to demonstrate his dancing before my
aerobics class!'
When the host asked the first gardener about such
an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for
a hundred bucks you could step on that rake again?'
A young maiden concerned about pleasing her husband-to-be
on their wedding night went to the family doctor to find out
about sex. She asked what is that thing hanging down between
my boyfriends legs with the big knot on the end of it?
doctor: that is his penis.
maiden: well what is that big knot.
doctor: that is called the head.
maiden: well, that clears a few things up but what are those
two things 14 inches back from the head?
doctor: I don't know about your boyfriend but on me those
are my ass cheeks.
Had to take my six year old son to the Doctor the other
day. The nurse brought us to the examining room and the
Doctor entered shortly there after. She was a very
attractive woman to my suprise. She had the nurse come
and take my son to get him weighed and left us alone for
a moment.
I told her "Doctor I would like for you to take a look
at this." And unzipped my pants and exposed myself.
The doctor, taken aback replied "Well that is not my
area of expertise but there doesn't appear to be anything
wrong with you. What's the problem?"
"Oh, there's no problem, I just wanted you to take a look
at it. Ain't it a beauty?"
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens
waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they
see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens
approach. The first one says "Earthling take me to your leader!"
He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then
addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your
leader!"
Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second
and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm
going to blast him!"
The second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand
down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the
other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump
a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!"
No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots
the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself
off then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to the
second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't
you warn me?"
The second replies, "I didn't know what was going to happen,
but I'm not going to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to
the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in
his ear!"
This woman was driving along I-80 in New Mexico when her
car broke down. Knowing a little about cars, she pulled
over, opened the hood and started jiggling things around.
Suddenly, the hood was pulled down on her, her dress was
pulled up, and she was being screwed like crazy.
Later, a state trooper stopped and was taking her statement
about what happened.
She said, " Well, I was bent over the engine when this
goddamned Texan came up, pulled down the hood and started
fucking me."
The trooper said, "Maam, if he surprised you, how do you
know it was a Texan?"
She replied, "Well, I could tell that he had a belt buckle
8 inches wide, and a dick that was 3 inches long!"
Two friends had been having a few beers at the bar
together recounting old times when the call of nature
caused them to line up at the same time, still deep
in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the
fact that Chas was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there
old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical
science can do wonders with transplants these days.
I got this done over on Harley Street in London.
Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it was
well worth every cent."
Fred was so envious that he packed his bag that night
and flew over to England. It was a good six months
later before he ran into his old friend once again and
Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his
advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred.
"You got robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley
Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped
off, he asked Fred if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas
took a peek over the partition the worried frown which
had creased his face disappeared.
"No wonder," he laughed. "You've got my old one!"
The marines were having inspection and as the Captain moved
on down the line he would check the toughness of each man.
The first man he slapped in the face with his swagger stick.
"Did that hurt?" asked the officer.
"NO SIR", was the reply.
"Why?" asked the captain.
"BECAUSE I AM MARINE, SIR!"
The captain continued down the line, striking each man
in various parts of the body when he comes upon a man with
a large penis protruding from between his legs. The captain
promptly whacks it with his swagger stick.
"Did that hurt, Marine???" demanded the Captain.
"NO SIR", shouted the Marine.
"Why not??"
"BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE MAN BEHIND ME, SIR!"
Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed
in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow,
unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've
ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar, and
after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he
stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms,
and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and
says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's
1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance,
she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave, and asks,
"Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a
short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night
long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds
no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to
please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom
door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time
to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up
and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she
asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his
anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well,
that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his dick.
He walks up to the barman.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hey, did you know you've
got a steering wheel on your dick?",
The man replies "Yeah, it's driving me nuts".
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle
came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
A woman goes into Tiny's tattoo parlor and says, "I'd like a tattoo
of Elvis right here on my upper thigh. And you better do good, cause
I ain't payin if it ain't a masterpiece."
The artist works diligently, and after two hours, he steps back and
says, "Voila! You now have the king in all his glory on your upper
thigh."
The woman looks down at it and says, "That don't look nothin like
the king. I ain't payin."
The artist says, "I must disagree. However, you are the customer.
But, kind lady, my family and I are hungry, and if you would permit
me to try again, I am certain I can reproduce an exquisite likeness
of the king on your other upper thigh."
The woman leans back in the chair and says, "Whatever, Tiny, do
your damndest."
Tiny goes to work again, this time twice as careful. After four
grueling hours, he stands and says, "Now, madam, whether the first
tattoo was to your liking or not, the second tattoo on your other
upper thigh is most assuredly the very likeness of Elvis."
The woman looks down again and says, "You got rocks in your head?
That's nowhere close, and I ain't payin for that one neither."
Tiny says, "Madam, I have spent many hours attempting to please
you. I believe you do not want to pay for honest work such as I
have furnished you. To settle this, let us find an impartial party
to render the final verdict. Should they say the likenesses are true,
you will pay for both. If they deem my work as an abberation, you
shall walk away free. What say you?"
The woman says, "Whatever, let's go get someone."
They walk out to the street, and the first person they see is
a drunk in the gutter. They hoist him up and drag him inside the
tattoo parlor.
"Sir, please, look upon my work on this woman, and tell us whether
you see a likeness of Elvis Presley there, or not," Tiny asks.
The drunk leans back, sits down, stands up, leans forward, and
finally straightens up and says, "Well, I don't know nuthin about
them two perfect twins, but sure as I'm standin here, the one in
the middle is 100% Willie Nelson."
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realises it's a
gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's
the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want
is a drink".
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike,
for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar
calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man
sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the
name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps
on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right,
who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call
your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality
is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender
and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled
look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
FOR A WOMAN!"
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's 'little
soldier' can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and
explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.
The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "listen,
I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out...
Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes
to bed."
The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his
milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close
the coffin."
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for
Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest
night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple
of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking
the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he
gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the
size of a little kid's little finger.
A nurse standing in the room sees his "Little Willie" and begins
to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and says, "You shouldn't
laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
A man, being in a bad mood, said to his wife, "Why do you bother
wearing a bra? You don't have anything to put in it!?"
His wife wryly replied, "Well, you wear briefs, don't you?"
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with
him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the
French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them
up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who
cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each
evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.
He asked his wife where the farmhand was and she replied, "It's the
strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper,
I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis that he could
never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with
a nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some
soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her
of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing the man drops his trousers.
"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved man asked.
She nodded. "Yes, I used to work in the maternity unit."
One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another
city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the
company doctor.
All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had
the smallest dick he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with
it being so small?" the doc asked.
"Shit, no," Dave said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and a great
sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."
"What about at night?" the doc asked.
"Nights are no problem," Dave said. 'cause there's two of us looking
for it then."
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P
--------------------------------------------
The only thing our Government has never previously taxed is
the male penis. This is due to the fact that:
40 % of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
20 % of the time it is pissed off,
30 % of the time it is hard up and
10 % of the time it is in the hole.
On top of this it has two dependents and both of them are nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed
according to it's size. To determine your category, please consult the
chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3
of your standard 1040 form.
10 to 12 inches --------- Luxury tax ---------- $50.00
8 to 10 inches --------- Pole tax ------------ $45.00
6 to 8 inches --------- Privilege Tax ------- $40.00
4 to 6 inches --------- Nuisance Tax -------- $30.00
Anyone under 4 inches is entitled to a refund of 20 %
and special relief as a handicapped person.
Please do not ask for an extension.
Those who exceed 12 inches will be liable for Capital Gains Tax.
If you have any queries, please contact the nearest Income Tax
office. The staff will be only too willing to handle your problem .
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services
A young man decided that, physically, he simply
wasn't adequately endowed. Deciding to take matters
into his own hands, he went to a doctor and announced
his desire to have his penis surgically enlarged.
The doctor checked things out and told the young man
that the only real improvement that could be surgically
worked was to implant a section of a baby elephant's
trunk. Rather a radical solution, agreed the patient,
but he was adamant.
The operation was performed without any complications,
and after a few weeks of recuperation the young man
decided it was time to try out his new equipment. He
asked a lovely young lady of his acquaintance out to
dinner at an elegant restaurant. They were having a
quiet conversation when his new organ, which had been
comfortably resting in his left pants leg, whipped out
over the table, grabbed a hard roll, and just as speedily
disappeared from sight.
"Wow!" said the girl, truly impressed. "Can you do
that again?"
"Sure," said the fellow, "but I don't know if my asshole
can stand another hard roll!"
The Prime Minister of Canada, the President of the
United States, and the King of England were talking
at a press conference. Suddenly, the President of the
United States stands up and pulls his pants down,
showing off his 8 inch penis. At that, all of the
people watching begin to sing The Star-Spangled Banner.
The Prime Minister of Canada then stands up and pulls
his pants down as well, showing off his 9 inch penis.
Then everyone begins to sing O Canada.
Not wanting to be left out, the King of England stands
up and pulls his pants down, to reveal an 18 inch cock!
Everyone in the crowd begins to sing God Save the Queen.
On the first evening of their honeymoon they are
sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun
is setting.
"Honey", she says,"now that we're married, will
you tell me what a penis is ?"
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask.
So, being her husband, he led her into their room
and took his pants off.
"*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her.
"Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a dick, but much smaller."
There was a foursome of doctor golfers of which one
was a guest.
One by one the three were "beeped" to their respective
offices so the guest was left alone to finish out his round.
When he finished, he went to the locker room.
Upon leaving the shower, he heard female voices and he
realized he was in the wrong locker room. He decided to
put a towel over his head so no one would see his face.
But as he was running out of the locker room, three women
golfers see him.
The first one says, "He's not my husband!"
The second says, "He's certainly not my husband!"
The third one chimes in, "Hell, he isn't even a member
of this club!"
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as
he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible
headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life
started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very
rare condition which causes your testicles to press up
against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one
hell of a headache. The only way I can relieve the pressure
is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has
anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough
to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under
the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that
he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a
new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like
a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see,
size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job.", replied the salesman.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired
himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve
and 16 and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job.", replied the salesman once again.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe
adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see,
9 and a half, wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe
walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman
asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
If you wore size 34 it would press your testicles up
against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using
the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was
occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament,
suggested to him that he use the ladies room, but cautioned
him not to press any of the buttons. The buttons were
marked...WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Making a fateful mistake
many men make in disreguarding what a woman says, the man
let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try
the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button
marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed over his
entire bottom. He thought, Golly, the gals really have
it made..... still curious, he pressed the button marked
WA and warm air dried his bottom off quickly. He thought
that was out of this world! The button marked PP yielded
a large powder puff that lightly powdered his bottom
lightly with powder. Well naturally....he couldn't resist
the last button marked ATR. When he woke up in the
hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The
last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a
plane."
The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great
time intil you pressed button marked ATR which stands
for automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under the
pillow.
The Penis Protection Plan
WOMAN CLIPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBAND'S PENIS,THEN THROWS
IT FROM MOVING CAR
Don't laugh, it's true and it could happen to you !
Right now thousands of agitated woman have read that
headline and are contemplating taking that action against
you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance,
look at them the wrong way, or just piss them off in
general (not to mention PMS and "that time of the month").
MEN, protect yourself ! NOW !!!
If you find yourself a victim of the "Clip and Flip
Syndrome", could you be sure that the appropriate
authorities would find your clipped member in time
and intact?! Could you be sure that the penis part they
find is yours?
Sign up now for our low cost "Penis Protection Plan".
We'll register your penis and scrotum, and identify them
with their own unique registration number, thus insuring
that in case of separation, you'll get a perfect match
every time !!!
Or, for just a few dollars more, you can sign up for
our "Jurassic Prick Program" in which we'll take a cell
sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for
you in the event that a tractor trailer runs over your
penis or some wild animal mistakes your detached member
for a chew toy!
Don't get caught short--Sign up now!!!
JURASSIC PRICK PLAN
Issued by:
Colossal Safety Insurance Co.
Harry Dick, Agent
Call 1-800-BIG-DICK
"YOU CAN'T BEAT IT!!"
A man with ad stuttering problem goes to the doctor
to see if here is anything that can be done ty his
speech problem.
The man tells the doctor, "D-D-Doctor I c-c-c-can't
g-g-get m-m-m-an-n-ny w-w-w-omen to g-g-go out w-w-w-ith
m-m-m-me b-b-b-b-because of m-m-my s-s-sring."
The man goes on to explain that he can occasionally pick
up a woman but that he would prefer more. Upon examination,
the doctor finds the man has been endowed with a gigantic
penis. The doctor explains to the man that his penis weighs
so much that it is pulling on his vocal chords and causing
him to stutter. The doctor advises the man to have his
penis partially removed in order to alleviate the pull on
the vocal chords. The man decides to go through with the
operation and finds that he now speaks quite clearly.
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor and
says "Doctor, thanks for fixing my stuttering but since
most of my dick is gone, my sex life is worse than it
ever was. Could you please re-attach my penis?
The doctor looks at the man and frowns. The doctor then
says "I-I-I'm s-s-s-sorry b-b-b-b-but th-that w-w-w-ould
b-b-be imp-p-p-p-posible."
There is a good looking dude on the beach with many girls
around him. Then there is a scrawny looking fellow with no
one around him.
He goes up to the good looking guy and says, "How can I
get girls to notice me?"
The good looking guy looks at him and says, "Well, maybe
if you put a potato in your swim trunks that might help."
The next day the scrawny man comes back and says to the
good looking guy, "I did what you told me and all people
are doing is laughing at me."
"You are supposed to put the potato in the front."
There were two next-door neighbors, and one of them had
a turkey that he was raising to eat. One day the turkey
flew into a tree that was growing on his neighbor's side
of the fence, but was hanging over on the original owner's
property. An argument ensued over who the turkey now
belonged to.
The original owner claimed that the turkey was still on
his property so he should keep it. The neighbor said the
turkey was his, but came up with a plan to determine who
would get it. His plan is for the two men to take turns
kicking each other in the nuts until one of them gives
up. The one who can take the most kicks gets to keep the
turkey. He volunteers to go first, and the original owner
of the turkey reluctantly agrees.
The neighbor backs up about fifty feet, starts running,
and kicks the turkey owner in the balls so hard he falls
down. After about a half an hour of rolling on the ground
in absolute pain, he finally manages to get up for his turn.
Just as he is getting ready to exact his revenge, the
neighbor says, "you can have the turkey."
A 7 year old girl barges into the bathroom where her
father is having a shower.
"Daddy, Daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his
genitalia.
"Oh, erm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarressingly replied.
"Well for a hedge hog it's got one hell of a big dick",
she snapped back.
Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's
death. She decided shewanted to get married again. But,
she didn't know any eligible men. So she decided to put
an ad in the newspaper.
The ad contained three criteria:
1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband)
2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous
husband)
AND
3. The man was good in bed.
The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When
she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair.
She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was
there to respond to the ad.
Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about.
He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that
there were specific needs in the ad.
The man in the wheelchair replied,
1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you.
2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.
Madge replied, "But there was one more important
criterium in the ad."
The main in the wheelchair asked, "How do you think I
rang the doorbell?"
One day Mable was sitting around her house bored as usual,
waiting for her soaps to come on. She got to looking at the
mirror that hung on the back of the front door and just for
the hell of it she said "mirror mirror on the door, make my
breasts a 44".
Suddenly her bra busted and her breasts swelled to a
remarkable size 44. She quickly picked up the phone and
called her husband John at work. John come home quick she
said, You won't believe what has happened! She sounded
hysterical so John hurried home to see what all the fuss
was about . Upon seeing his wife and her New assets he
asked her what had happened?
She told him about the mirror and he pushed her out of
the way, faced the mirror and said. " mirror mirror on
the door, make my dick touch the floor".
And his legs disappeared!
I'd like to take some time today and discuss the tattoo
I am currently considering. I am thinking about getting
a $100.00 bill tattooed on my penis. I know this may
sound unusual but I have 3 reasons why.
1) I can play with my money.
2) I can watch my money grow.
3) If my girlfriend wants to blow a few bucks, no problem.
PENIS LENGTH SURVEY
Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the
following foolproof test.
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the
rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the
key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to
use the A or even the Z key.)
2. Grasp your *thing* in your right hand and slap it firmly across the
number key row on your keyboard. For instance, my result is
"1234567890-" (the backspace key removes the =)
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your *thing* on the keyboard and stare
intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until you reach your
"ultimate length", whichever comes first.
4. Record results.
CAUTIONS:
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two
keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it
down with alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a
fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.
5. This is probably not advisable to try in the office.
6. Remember, Long Dong Silver was a freak of nature.
Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital
disorders:
If Your Test Looks Like This: Then:
1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome.
12367 You have a strange gap in your penis.
12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend;
sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care.
How to measure your results:
1234 Consider changing your name to Justin.
12345 Personality is what really counts.
123456 Length doesn't count, It's how it scrapes the sides
1234567 Not bad if you know how to use it.
12345678 Keep up the good work.
123456789 You could be popular.
1234567890 You are popular.
1234567890- Don't you wish they'd leave you alone occasionally.
1234567890-= Don't you wish sleeping at night was an option.
1234567890-=<- Doctor offers cure for callouses.
A man picks up a girl in a bar and they go back to her place
to get better acquainted. They fool around a bit on the sofa
and he took off his socks and shoes. She notes his horrible,
deformed toes.
"My god, what happened to your feet?"
"Oh that," he said, "Well when I was a kid I had a bad case
of 'tolio."
"Don't you mean 'polio'?" she asked.
"No, I mean tolio; it just completely wrecked my toes."
"Well, OK," she said.
So they continue and he took off his pants.
She saw his knobby, and gnarled knees, "My God! What happened
to your knees?"
"Well, when I was a kid, after I had the 'tolio' I had a bad
case of the 'kneesals'."
"You mean 'measles'?" she asked.
"No, it was 'kneesals'; it just wrecked my knees."
"Well, OK," she said.
So they continue further and he takes off his undershorts.
She said, "Wait, don't tell me. When you were a kid, you had
a bad case of smallcocks!"
The following can be quite a fun question to ask......
A high school English class was given the task of summarizing
six Shakespearean plays. One student had summarized the six
plays as follows:
1) 3 inches
2) 6 inches
3) 12 inches
4) wet
5) dry
6) abortion
Can you name the six plays?
(don't peek at the answers below just yet)
1) Much ado about nothing
2) As you like it
3) The taming of the shrew
4) Midsummer's night dream
5) The twelfth night
6) Love's labor lost
Three of the tennis foursome head for the showers after the match.
The fourth one just gets in his car and goes home. This happens every
week - the same three shower, number four doesn't. Finally, one guy
asks him why he doesn't shower after playing tennis; he is, after all,
just as hot and sweaty as the other three.
"To tell you the truth," he says, "I'm kind of shy about being naked
in front of other guys. To be perfectly blunt, I'm not all that well
endowed."
"Well," his friend says, "does it work all right?"
"As far at that goes, sure, it works all right. I've been getting
laid on a daily basis for almost 20 years. It never fails to perform."
"How'd you like to trade it for one that looks good in the showers?"
A guy was sitting in a bar when this beautiful woman sits
next to him. They start a converstion and after a few drinks
they head back to her place. when they get to the bedroom she
confesses that she has no breasts and that what he see's are
just padded cups in her bra, he reassures her that its no big
deal and she undresses. When shes naked he sees that she wasn't
kidding her breasts are so small they almost go inward and he
says to her, "well don't feel bad I have to confess that I have
a problem too...I'm hung like a baby.
She grins and reasures him that its no problem and he
undresses. When he pulls his underware down this huge penis
flops around.
She screams I thought you said you were hung like a baby?
"I am he replied. 15 inches 8 pounds 4 ounces."
Two young girls were talking,
The first one said she didn't like cocks since they smelled
like fish.
The other girl said she didn't mind fishiness, but she sure
didn't like shrimpiness!
This guy was kicked back drinking a cold beer, watching
his wife struggling to mow the lawn.
His new neighbor came stomping over and said disgustedly,
"You worthless bastard, making your poor wife cut the grass
while all you do is sit there and watch! You ought to be hung!"
"I am," said the husband, "That's why she's cutting the grass."
A couple had been dating for well over a year, but the guy
had yet to score.
One night after a few drinks, he works up some courage.
While they were kissing, he unzipped his pants, and slid her
hand onto his penis.
She said, "No thanks, you know I don't smoke cigarettes."
When the returning war hero walked into his front room
wearing a Purple Heart, his mother-in-law yelled upstairs
to her daughter, "Henry's here, and he has a Purple Heart
on!"
She responded, "Send him up, I don't care what color it is."
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was
waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I've got good news and bad news
for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied
the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis
has grown several inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted. "What's the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.
Three men are at the local races and are wondering what
number horse to bet on. While thinking about what to do,
one man suggests that they all go to the loo and measure
the size of their dicks, add the sizes together and that
would be the number horse they would bet on. Deciding
that this was a brilliant idea they took off to the loo.
Inside, the first man says "Mines 6 inches", the second
man says "Mines 4 inches, so that totals 10" and the third
guy says "Mines 2 inches so that brings the total to 12".
So out they race and put all there money on horse number
12. Sure enough, horse number 12 strides in in front of
all the rest. So off they went to collect their winnings.
Then came the problem of how they were going to split
the money.
While thinking the first man says "mine was 6 inches so
I should get 60%".
Thinking along the same line the second man says "Mine
was 4 inches so I should get 40%".
Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and
finally says "I should get it all".
The other two look at each other and say "Why?", to which
the third man says "If I didn't have a hard-on it would only
have been 1 inch in which you would have bet on number 11
and lost everything".
Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race.
A newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored
to win the race.
Reporter: "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice
Canal race by a 1/4 mile, this wasn't even supposed to
challenge you. Why then did you finish dead last, your
fans are shocked."
Pierre: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking
it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I
passed under the first bridge, Suzzette was standing on top
of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy. She was
calling to me, saying, "Pierre, I am yours when you finish
the race."
This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting
uncomfortable."
"The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was
standing on the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was
fondling her large breasts, saying, "these are for you when
you finish the race, Pierre."
I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were
now in sight, but I swam on."
"The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was
standing on. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me,
saying, "I am yours when you finish the race Pierre, I want
you so bad."
This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other
swimmers passed me, I was so sad to let down my fans. I
didn't know what to do."
Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
Pierre: "Ah, but what about the bridges?"
Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination the
still nervous groom became worried about the state of his
wife's innocence. Deciding on a direct confrontation he
quickly undressed , pointed to his exposed manhood and asked
his bride, "Do you know what that is?"
Without hesitating she blushingly answered "That's a
wee-wee."
Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in
the ways of love the husband whispered "From now on, dearest,
this will be called a prick."
"Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks,
and I assure you, that's a wee-wee."
After trying repeatedly to get pregnant, a couple decide
to seek help from the family doctor.
Many tests later, the doctor calls the husband and says,
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is your
sperm count is one."
"Oh my God! One?!" says the man, "Wh...what's the bad news?"
"It's four feet long and it wants out NOW!"
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis
is developing a bend in the middle. The doctor ran a
series of tests, and had the man return to his office
to report the results.
"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the
last year or so?"
"Why, yes," replied the man.
"And did you have sex while over there?"
The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."
The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's
what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just
starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong
Dong.'"
The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"
"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the
disease, but you must have an operation."
An operation? What kind of operation?"
"We cut off your penis."
"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"
The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such
a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second
and a third opinion!"
The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially
the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended
treatment.
He was understandably upset, so he asked the second
doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion.
The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated
in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors
might know more about it.
Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for
Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation
with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician.
After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor
entered the examining room.
"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.
"Yes."
"And is it really incurable?"
"Yes, there is no known cure."
The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears.
"And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut
off my penis?"
At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break
into laughter.
"What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have
surgery?"
As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to
choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew!
Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"
"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was
overjoyed.
"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll
fall off by itself!"
A white guy at the weekly rotary meeting goes into the
men's room for a leak. As he is standing there a black
guy moves into the stall next to him and proceeded to
unzip his trousers and pull out a massive prick.
"Christ" says the white guy, "How do you get one as
big as that?"
"Well" says the black guy, "I was born with this but
you but might want to try a technique which my father
told me about"
"What's that" said the white guy.
"Go home, get a piece of string and a brick", said the
black guy. "Tie one end of the string to the brick and
the other end around your dick. Stand up and make sure
there is plenty of tension on the string. Do this every
morning and every evening for about an hour"
So they both leave the men's room and go their seperate
ways.
The following week the white guy again goes to the weekly
rotary meeting and during lunch he comes across the black
guy.
"How's it going" said the black guy.
"Absolutely marvellous" said the white guy.
"In fact I'm already half way there and I really want to
thank you"
"Oh" said the black guy - "how can you be half way there"
"Well" said the white guy, "It's already turned black"
"Man, how'd you get yerself such an enormous pecker?"
"Mmmm, well ah soaks it in beans."
"Beans, no shit. What kind of beans?"
"Human beans."
A man goes into an empty bar and orders a beer, and as
he's walking arround he see's a table about 6' x 4' with
some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line
there are initials. So the man say's to the bartender,
"What are all those marks on that table?"
"Its a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks
stretch them a far as they can and mark a line."
This man is hung like a horse and reckons he can beat
all the lines he's seen and ask's if he can have a go?
"Sure" came the reply.
As he pull out his dick it's a clear winner by about 3".
He starts to mark his line down when the bartender said,
"No mate the locals start from the other side"
There was this guy who went to a plastic surgeon to have
his dick shortened. The surgeon asks the guy, "If you don't
mind me asking, why? This is very unusual."
So the guy tells him his story:
"I used to live in a trailer park, and my next-door neighbor
was this knockout blonde, built like a brick shit-house. Every
night I used to watch her through the window as she took a
sausage, stuck it in a hole in the floor, then fucked it like
a wild animal. Well, one night, I couldn't stand it any longer,
so I snuck underneath the trailer. When she put the sausage
in the floor, I pulled it out and stuck my dick up through
the hole before she noticed. She went fucking crazy and it
was SO good, I thought I was gonna' die.
But then, all of a sudden, someone knocked at the door and
she jumped up and started trying to kick the sausage under
the stove!"
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation
turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are
trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French
Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the
others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new
Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you,
we don't have much money and we don't have any material
possesions. However, one thing I can tell you about my
husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to
shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamfaced and says, "Girls,
I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress
you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well,
it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for
two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not
a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to
make, canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg!"
A very tired looking man walks in to a bar and orders a drink,
but as soon as the bartender puts it down, a little leprechaun,
just a foot tall, runs out and kicks the glass off the table and
runs away.
The man does not look suprised. He tells the bartender that
he'll pay for the damages and can he have another beer. But as
soon as the bartender puts the glass down, the leprechaun runs
out again and this time he pisses in it and runs away.
Now the bar tender asks "excuse me for prying, but what's going
on here with that leprechaun?".
The tired man looks up a little and says, "well, I was stranded
on a desert island once, and I found a genie in a bottle. He said
he would grant me one wish, so without even thinking about it, I
asked him for what I'd wanted all my life. A twelve inch prick."
Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school
one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the
alleys and back yards they happened to look through a
hole in the fence of one of the yards, where a woman was
sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole,
suddenly Billy started to scream and took off running for
home. He ran so fast that his 2 friends, trying to catch
him were soon left far behind.
The next day, as they came home again, they found the
same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman.
Again, after just a few minutes, Billy started screaming,
and took off like a shot.
On the third day, Johnny and tommy agreed on a plan. They
would be between Billy and home if he started to run, and
they would find out what the problem was. Just as before,
Billy could only look for a few minutes then he started to
run for home. This time, Johnny and Tommy grabbed him and
demanded to know what was wrong.
"My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman,
I would turn to stone. I started to feel something getting
awfully hard..."
Two extraterritorials came to Earth. They landed near
a nice suburban neighborhood and knocked on the door of
a nearby house. The couple living in the house invited
them in.
After a few social drinks, and the subject of sex came up.
The ETs asked if the Earth couple were into partner swapping.
They said they thought it sounded exciting. So the couples
paired off.
The Martian male undressed. The Earth woman couldn't help
but laugh at the tiny size of his reproductive organ.
He said, "Twist my ears."
When she did, the largest member she had ever seen
appeared. She had a memorable, and fulfilling night.
The next morning, after the visitors departed, she related
the night's pleasures to her husband, and asked what Martian
females were like.
He said that the woman was alright; but kinky, "She kept
twisting my ears and checking my dick!"
There was this drunk who said to the bartender, "I want a
woman!"
So the bartender gave him directions to a place.
The drunk was so messed up that he couldn't remember where
the bartender told him to go. So he accidently walks into a
Foot Doctor's office.
The lady at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
The Drunk says, "Yes, I want some service."
So the lady replies, "Go in the other room and put it on
the table."
So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.
The lady comes in and says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, Give it time."
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in
he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big
black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball,
3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small white guy faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings
him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small
white guy "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball,
my name is Turner Brown."
The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said,
"Turn around".
A dating Amish couple Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down
the road in their buggy. It's mid January and very cold.
Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."
Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and
warm them up."
Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's
that hard thing in your pants?"
Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid...maybe
you can rub it and warm it up."
The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and
asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"
Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about
penises?"
Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy
when they melt!"
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like
each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He
removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that
on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a
bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up
the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed
on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual
tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the
word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back with shock...
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well endowed that
it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force
nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said: "We`ll just take a big hunk off the end".
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said: "We`ll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it".
They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and
feel of it.
The third doctor said: "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it".
They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her
cheeks.
The nurse cried: "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
It isn't easy being a Dick. (Imagine the dick speaking)!!
I've got a head I can't think with. An eye I can't see with,
and most of all I have to hang around with two nuts all the
time. My closest neighbour is an asshole, my best friend is
a pussy. Worst of all is my owner beats me all the time!
Did ye hear aboot the Scotsman who got drunk and passed out
in a ditch? Two women came by and curious to know if what
they'd heard about kilts was true lifted it and took a look.
As a calling card they left a blue ribbon tied around "it".
When the Scotsman woke up he had to take a leak and lifted
his kilt to do his business. He looked down and said "Och,
laddie, I don't know where ye been but I see you won first prize."
This man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I need a new dick."
The doctor says, "No problem, we have three kinds. We have
a three and a half incher, a five and a half incher, and a
nine incher. Which one would you like?"
The man says, "May I see the nine incher?"
The doctor says, "No problem."
The man says, "But, Doc, could I have it in white?"
A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to
complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex
with him. They all tell me that my penis is too long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any
way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I
can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help
you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
"Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any
women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it."
The man uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in
amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think
I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is
go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will
see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma.
First you must ask the frog to marry you? Each time the
frog declines your proposal, your penis will be ten inches
shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog
on a log. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO".
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches
shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!"
But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog
to marry me again.
"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed
back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down,
and it was another 10 inches shorter.
The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down
at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a
moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little
less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me
one more time.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out,
"Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head,
"NO..........NO..........and for the last time..........NO!
Old English woman and her sister are in the back garden
digging up carrots from her vegetable patch. She pulls a
huge carrot from the soil and remarks; "This reminds me
of my dear dead husband's penis"
Her sister asks "Is it the lenght, or the colour that
reminds you of him"
"Oh No" she replies "It is the filth on it"
Little Timmy was in the classroom at the nursery
whilst Mrs. Jenkins was doing an arts lesson on the
blackboard.
"Who would like to draw something on the board,
today?" asks Mrs.Jenkins.
Timmy enthusiastically raises hand and shouts "Me,
Me, Pleeeeaaase"
"NO! Timmy, remember what happened last time", says
Mrs. Jenkins. So Timmy sits down again.
"Jennifer, would you like to draw something on the
board?" asks Mrs Jenkins.
"Yes, Mrs. Jenkins."
So jennifer walks to the board and draws the following:
/\
/ \
/ \
/ \
| |
| |
| |
"Thats enough Jennifer, I think we all know what this
is. Sit down and let somebody else finish it" says Mrs,
Jenkins.
"Who would like to go next?" she asks again.
Timmy enthusiastically raises hand again and shouts "Me,
Me, Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaase"
"NO! Timmy, remember what happened last time", said
Mrs. Jenkins, so Timmy sits down again.
"OK Robert, would you like to continue?" asks Mrs Jenkins.
"Yes" and he walks to the board and adds the following:
/\
/ \
/ \
/ \
| |
| _ |
| |_| |
"OK Robert, sit down and we'll let somebody else
continue." says Mrs. Jenkins.
"Ah, Mary how about you, would you like to go next?"
"Yes" she replies, and walks to the board saying,
"Since its snowing outside, I'll draw some snow on the
house".
The drawing now looks like this:
/\
/UU\
/ \
/ \
| |
| _ |
| |_| |
Timmy is now desperate to draw on the board and raises
his hand willingly. "PLEASE, MISS, PLEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE CAN
I GO NEXT?" he asks.
Mrs. Jenkins, now feeling sorry for him lets him go to
the board.
He draws the following:
____
/ \
/ /\ \
/ /UU\ \
/ / \ \
| / \ |
| | | |
__| | _ | |__
|_____| |_| |_____|
"WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT?" asks Mrs. Jenkins.
"Well Miss , it's my dad in the bathroom picking
up the bar of soap".
A guy walks into a bar & orders a drink. He notices a man
next to him sitting there looking into a box. After a while,
his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over & looks
into the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature
piano.
"God, that's amazing, where did you get that?", he asked.
His barmate said, "This is my wish. There's a genie out
back in the alley & he grants your wishes."
The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to
the alley, & lo and behold, there is a genie there.
The genie asks him what he would like to have for a wish,
and the guy says he would like to have a million bucks!
All of a sudden, there are a million ducks flying around
his head, quacking, flapping their wings, etc.
He goes back into the bar and says to the barmate, "That's
a poor excuse of a genie! I asked for a million bucks and he
gave me a million DUCKS!"
His barmate turns away from the box he's looking into & says,
"I guess you think I ASKED for a 14 inch pianist??"
A mouse was walking through the jungle when he hears a voice
crying out "help, help!"
Upon looking around, he sees an elephant stuck in a mudhole,
unable to move.
"Please help me" cried the elephant.
The mouse thinks for a minute, runs off and returns shortly
thereafter behind the wheel of a mercedes. He backs the
mercedes up to the mudhole, the elephant grabs hold of the
bumper, the mouse floors the accelerator, and the elephant
is slowly pulled from the mudhole and rescued.
A couple of weeks later, the elephant is meandering through
the jungle when he hears a feeble "help! help!".
He finds the mouse stuck in the very same mudhole!
"Help me, Mr. Elephant! Run and get your mercedes so that
you can rescue me!"
The elephant replies that he doesn't have a mercedes and
thinks and thinks and thinks....
Finally, he straddles the mudhole, and slowly lets down
his penis, inch by inch, until the mouse is able to reach
it. Thus the mouse was saved by climbing up the elephant's
penis.
The moral of the story?
You don't need a mercedes if you have a big dick!
A fireman and his wife were bored with their sex life, so
he tries to think of ways to spice it up. One day at the fire
house he's thinking about the "bell system," how he could use
it in their sex life.
The way the bell system at the firehouse works, when bell one
rings, they all run out to the trucks. On bell two, they gear
up. On bell three they jump on the trucks and head to the fire.
The fireman goes home and tells his wife, "Honey, I know what
we can do to spruce up our sex life!"
"What?"
"Use the bell system like at the firehouse, but a little
different. When I call 'bell one', you run into the bedroom.
When I call 'bell two', you take your clothes off, and when
I call 'bell three', hop on the bed and we'll do it."
The next evening he comes home hollering, "Bell one!" and
she runs into the bedroom. He hollers, "Bell two!" and she
takes her clothes off. He yells, "Bell three!" and she hops
on the bed and he hops on her. While they're mingling, she
yells, "Bell four! Bell four!"
Husband asks, "What the hell's 'bell four'?"
"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"
One day a young Texas couple decided to get married. After the
wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road,
the new bride sees a cow and bull having sex. The new bride asks,
"What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!" she replies, "Oh, I see!"
A few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again
the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
she replies, "Okay, now I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started
to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore
each other's body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That is my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?"
"They are my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the
bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey?"
The bride replies, "Undo those knots and give me more rope!"
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of
what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would
be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the
bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy
pair of boots.
"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry
and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also
was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I am a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice
and I come."
International Testicle Festival Slogans
Come and have a Ball!
Go Nuts at the Testicle Festival!
Don't Be Squared, Be There!
You know they should hold it in Australia...Down Under.
PS Keep away from the concession booths...
There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights
and jogs every day.
One morning he's looking in the mirror, admiring his body, as is his
habit. He notices, however, that he has an even, golden-brown tan all
over his body with the exception of his dick, which is completely white.
He immediately decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach early in the morning, and completely undresses,
then buries himself in the sand, except for his snow-white member, which
he leaves sticking out of the sand, liberally coated with sunscreen.
A while later, as the sun rises above the beach, two elderly ladies
are strolling along the beach, one of them so rickety she is using a
can. They walk right up to where the man isburied, and notice his dick
sticking out of the sand. One of the old ladies begins to poke his dick
around with her cane.
She turns to her companion and says, "There really is no justice in the
world."
Her friend looks at her puzzledly and says, "What do you mean?"
The can-wielding lady says "When I was 20 I was curious about it,
when I was 30 I enjoyed it, when I was 40 I asked for it, when I was
50 I paid for it, when I was 60 I prayed for it, and when I was 70
I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80 the darn things are growing wild
and I'm too old to SQUAT!"
One morning over breakfast a daughter breaks the news to her mother,
"Mom, I'm pregnant."
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"
"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and
then went with the biggest."
"An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a
day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. He asked
the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,
I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save
you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and
then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy
of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are
much, much smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and
whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite
itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to
phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this
and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly,
there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his
penis hanging out.
I thought I told you to call your mom, she says. I did, he says,
and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come
and pick me up from school.
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date
and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a
nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine
and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in
a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts
to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin
and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that
thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you
used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods affirmatively.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his
eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of
his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!"
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to
go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her
suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could
only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the
suitcase. After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self conscious so he asked his new bride to
change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for
bed. While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the
negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed "Oh no, it's
short, pink and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
SALARY HIKE
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I work head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
* Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
* Does not get weekends and holidays off;
Response from the administration:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit
other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OHSA measures, such as wearing the
correct protective outfits
* You don't wait till pension age before retiring
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have
completed the day's work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!
* Does not answer immediately to all requests;
* Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what
kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said
the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said
the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said
the youngest daughter.
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her
beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open
your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh,
oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take
your picture.
Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart
forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear
a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let
me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable
garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to
ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's
really quite simple, twice each day, in the morning and in the
evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red
with embarrassment"
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded
to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
He asked if she had had any luck with her tomatoes. "No" she
replied, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!!!
Walking up to the counter in the record store the luscious young
lady asked the man, "Do you have U2's latest?"
"What I got for you," the man said, leaning closer, "is an
eight-inch schlong."
Puzzled, the girl asked, "Is that a record?"
"No," the clerk said, "but it's far better than average."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you
tell what fruit I'm talking about.
Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored
him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.
Here's another, it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've
got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've
got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!
A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and
cradling her hand. "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!", she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?", asked mum.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away", she replied.
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and
poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her
hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!", whined the
little girl.
"What are you talking about?", asked her increasingly perplexed mother.
"Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in
her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"
A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one
night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment.
The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have
The Amazing Benny tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 70 year old man hobbled onto
the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table
and placed 3 walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK,
WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers,
the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage dragging
his card table.
On their 20 year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las
Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same
guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20
years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar.
The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performonmg
here tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 90 year old man hobbled onto
the stage slooowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up
the table and placed 3 coconuts on it. He took out his dick and
WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke
into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off
stage sloooowly dragging his card table.
The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20
years ago when we were here...with walnuts. Now he does this
with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he
DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not
what they used to be..."
A general store owner hired a young female clerk with a penchant
for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances
at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
"I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man asked politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,
located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly
beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk
retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around
the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see
the clerk climb up and down.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and
fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.
"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaked the feeble old man..."But it`s startin` to twitch."
One morning a mailman called on a customer on his route and was
surprised to see a big bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging
across her living room. The housewife explained that they were
playing a game at a party the night before called 'Who's Who' where
the men took turns poking their equipment through the hole while
the women would try to guess who it was.
"That sounds like it was a lot of fun," said the mailman.
"I wish I could have been there."
"You should have been," the housewife told him. "You're name
came up three times!"
A little boy and his parents are at the circus. The father goes to
get some popcorn just when the elephant show starts. The little boy
points and asks his mother "Mommy, what's that?"
His mother replies. "That's an elephant."
The boy says "I know that. I mean that."
The mother says "That's his trunk."
The boy again says "I know that, I mean that."
The mother looks again to where he is pointing and says,
"That's its tail."
But the boy is not happy with that answer either. He points again
and says "No Mommy, that."
The mother looks again and understands. "Oh that, that's nothing."
A few moments pass and the father returns with the popcorn and the
mother runs off to the restroom.
The little boy points and asks his father "Daddy, what's that?"
To which his father replies. "That's an elephant."
The boy says "I know that. I mean that."
And his father says "That's his trunk."
And the boy again says "I know that, I mean that."
The father says "That's its tail."
The boy points one last time and says "No Daddy, that."
His father looks to his son and says "That's it's penis."
To which the boy says "Mommy says it's nothing."
The father leans back in his seat and sighs a bit and says,
"I've spoiled that woman."
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it
rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is,
except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has
her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when
it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at
Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to
be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging
over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out
the wash."
"What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
The head, the legs and the penis had an argument over who has the
toughest time serving the male human being they are bound to.
Head said: - No question about it, my part is the hardest. It's me
who tells everybody else what to do! I have to be at work constantly,
or else we all become one giant vegetable!
To which the legs: - Naah, anybody could do that, but think of us -
- we walk around with all you others on top. You would get nothing
done if it wasn't for us, because all you could do would be to lay
on the bed dreaming about heroic deeds but never getting anywhere!
The argument seemed pretty much finished, but then came the voice
from the pants. The penis wanted to have it's say.
- Oh come on, you're complaining about tiny minute things! If someone
has it tough, it must be me -- I get woken up in the middle of the
night, then they roll a rubber bag over my head and stick me into
some damn hole and bang my head against a wall until I have to puke!!
A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch
a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the
sketches he noticed that a sexy young co-ed had sketched the man
with an erection.
The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way?"
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