Nudists Jokes

Nudists Jokes



  There was the young lady who was arrested for wearing a two-piece
outfit to the beach...Socks.



  According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of 
other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of 
course, men are just  grateful.



10 Things Not To Do In the Nude

10.> Fry bacon

9.>  Arc weld

8.>  Bathe a cat

7.>  Operate a snow blower

6.>  Clear a patch of poison ivy

5.>  Insulate the attic with fiberglass

4.>  Operate a lathe

3.>  Present a children's television show

2.>  Take Mass with the Pope
   
1.>  Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk



  "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he
stepped out of the shower.
  "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I 
mowed the lawn like this?"
  "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.



  There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear 
to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.  
  When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing 
there with no shirt and no socks on.
  "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
  "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in 
my pants!"



  The marriage ceremony was being held at the nudist colony.  
The minister asked the bride, "Do you take this man?"
 The bride-to-be said, "Well, if I had a choice, there's a 
guy in the second row..."



  A couple went to a gallery to look at some art. One painting was 
of a beautiful, naked woman with only a little foliage covering the 
appropriate areas. The wife thought the picture was in bad taste 
and moved on quickly, but the husband lingered, completely transfixed.
  "What are you waiting for?" called his wife. "Autumn?"



  A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure 
of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or 
they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs 
from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big 
old floppy pair of boots.
  "Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
  "This is it," replied his wife.
  "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
  "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now
hurry and get your costume on."
  The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. 
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over
his penis.
  "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
  "I am a fire alarm," he replied.
  "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
  "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice
and I come."



THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED WOMAN

1. Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
2. How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!?
3. You must be very experienced.
4. Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
5. Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
6. I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
7. Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.
8. Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
9. I heard carpenters dream about you.
10. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
11. Look.. I can get my whole arm in.
12. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
13. Is that an optical illusion?
14. If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.
15. Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
16. Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
17. Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
18. I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
19. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
20. I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
21. Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.
22. You know they have surgery to fix that.
23. Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
24. Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away
25. Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
26. I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
27. You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
28. You're not 'that' fat.
29. I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
30. Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.




  Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment,
the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of 
saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
  Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within 
their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining 
again.
  "Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no
curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I 
take a bath."
  "Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, 
THEY will buy curtains."



THE NEW "OFFICIAL" RULES FOR STRIP MONOPOLY

 1. All clothing is considered legal tender, for debts both public, 
    and private, at the values listed.

 2. Any clothing given to the bank is removed from the game.

 3. If you do not have cash, then you MUST pay in clothes.

 4. All payments to the bank for Chance, Community Chest, Income
    Tax, etc. must include at least one item of clothing (not
    necessarily yours).

 5. When paying rent to another player, you must roll 1d6. If it comes
    up 5, or 6, you must include one item of clothing for the rent.
    Full Change of the appropriate amount will be given, in either 
    cash or clothes.

 6. YOU MAY NOT WEAR ANY OTHER PLAYERS CLOTHING!!!!!!!!!!

Clothing values:
Note: all values may be adjusted in response to sexy underwear, 
      or similar circumstances.

Jewelry---------$3.00 per type (if you have 10 bracelets, together 
                they are worth $3.00)

Shoes-----------$5.00 per pair

Socks-----------$5.00 per pair

Shirt-----------$50.00  (male, female w/ bra)

Shirt----------$350.00  (female w/out bra)

Pants----------$100.00  (w/ underwear)

Pants----------$600.00  (w/out underwear)

Bra------------$300.00

Underwear------$500.00

*values listed here are assumed to be worn. once an item of clothing 
is removed from the body, the price drops to the lowest price for 
that item. (ex: once a shirt w/out a bra is sold, its price drops 
from $350 to $50)

All outer clothing not listed here, is worth $1.00 a piece.
Any clothing not listed (i.e.:garter belts) the price will be set 
by the group.




  The other day I came across a button/pin from the American 
Association For Nude Recreation, extolling th virtues us nudism.
I just want to know, where would a nudist *put* such a pin?



Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!



How can you spot a blind guy in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.



Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
They guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.



Who is the most popular girl in the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.



Why won't nudists ever play Major League Baseball?
They're only interested in exhibition games.



Public speaking is a lot like your first time at a nudist camp.  
It'll be hard for the first few minutes...



grazing blow:
 - what a male nudist experiences if he falls asleep in a pasture



How can you identify Ronald McDonald at a nudist colony?
He's the one with the sesame seed buns.



I went to a nudist wedding a few months ago. 
I came within half an inch of being the best man.



Nudism proves that Abraham Lincoln was wrong. All men are *not* 
created equal.  Some have really big feet!



A midget was kicked out of a nudist camp...
for putting his nose in other people's business.  
Then Manute Bol was kicked out...
for putting his business in other people's noses.



Best Reasons Why To Go To Work Naked

Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

You want to see if it's like the dream.

People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

No one ever steals your chair.



  Victoria's Secret put on an online multi-media lingerie show on 
February 3rd, in case you haven't heard. There were two problems.
 1) It was so popular, many people couldn't get on.
 2) The video quality was so poor, many people couldn't get off.



  Two old ladies were walking in the park.  The first old lady said,
"I might as well die now, I've done everything and there is nothing 
left to live for."
  The second old lady said " I know something you haven't done.  
It's called streaking."
  First old lady "Streaking?  I've never heard of that."
  Second old lady "you go behind this bush and take off all your 
clothes and I'll take them across the park and when I give you the 
high sign, you take off and run naked through the park".
  First old lady "well, I've never done that before so OK."
  They do that and the second old lady gets across the park and gives 
the high sign and the first old lady dashes out and runs through the 
park. She passes two old men on a park bench.
  First old man, "What was that?"
  Second old man, "I don't know but it sure needed ironing."



  During a dinner party, the host's two little children entered 
the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. 
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was 
happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated 
and also continued as if nothing strange was happening.
  After going all the way around the room, the children left, and 
there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child
was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"



  There was a world famous artist visiting Rome painting landscapes 
and portraits. A nobleman requested an audience which was granted. 
  The nobleman said, "Sir, I will give you a thousand pieces of gold 
to paint my mistress nude."
  The artist stated that he did not do that type of work as his moral 
standards would not allow it.
  The nobleman returned a week later and said,"Sir, I know that you 
are an honourable man but my mistress is very impressed with your work. 
I will give you five thousand pieces of gold if you will paint her nude."
  Once again the artist refused stating his moral code as an excuse. 
  A month later the nobleman returned and said, "Sir I will give you ten 
thousand gold pieces to paint my mistress nude."
  The artist thought for a while and said,"Come back tomorrow and I will 
give you my answer.
  The nobleman arrived bright and early the following day. He repeated 
his offer,"...ten thousand gold pieces to paint his mistress nude."
  The artist said he would with one condition. "My wife gave me 
permission to paint your mistress nude with the one condition that I 
must keep my socks on as I suffer from arthritis."



  "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend
over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we
heard the telephone ring downstairs.
  I suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the 
phone.  Since we didn't want to  miss the call, we didn't have time 
to get dressed. When we got to the bottom  of the stairs, the lights 
suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE'
  My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my 
friends were standing there.
  My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment
for what seemed like an eternity.   
  Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.



  As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with
beautiful, tanned people and the words:  Visit the Garden of Hedon.
His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the
entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a 
building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting 
at a desk.
  "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
  "It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. 
We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
  "Cool," said the guy. "Count me in!"
  So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. 
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of 
Gays."
  A little further along he saw another sign which read the same 
thing: "Beware of Gays."
  He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a 
bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and 
it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"


 
  I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom
and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so 
well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas 
cards.
  Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically 
and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and 
was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my 
reflection in the mirror ---wearing nothing but a camera!
 


  John and his wife Mary were having a shower together when the 
doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped 
a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door.
  Their neighbour Charlie looked at her from the doorway and said, 
"Oh, I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."
  "That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"
  "Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink 
from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred pounds, would 
you remove the towel from your upper body?"
  Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not for a hundred 
pounds, and then removed the towel from her breasts.
  "Wow", Charlie exclaimed, "They are truly beautiful. Listen, for 
another hundred pounds would you consider taking the towel all the 
way off?"
  Why not, Mary thought, that's a lot of money, and she dropped the 
towel completely to the floor.
  Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking 
body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred pounds, gave it 
to her and left.
  As she got back upstairs and was getting back into the shower, 
John asked her who was at the door.
  "Just Charlie", she said,as she started to rub his back.
  "Charlie eh", said John, "Did he give you the two hundred pounds 
he owed me?"



  A pretty young lady was driving into the backcountry to shop 
for some antiques.  It was warm and she stopped at a pond to wet 
her face.  The water seemed very pleasant, so she decided to take 
a little swim.  
  Undressing, she got into the water and was enjoying the pond 
very much when a local fellow, about her age, happened to come 
along.  He stopped to enjoy the view.  
  After a moment the young girl emerged from the water and saw 
him.  It was too far to run for her clothes on the bank, so she 
looked around for some cover.   Seeing a rusty old frying pan in 
the sand, she picked it up and positioned in front of herself.  
The young man smiled.
  She said accusingly, "Don't you dare do anything, whatever 
you're thinking!"
  The fellow said, "I wasn't thinking anything.  But I know what 
you're thinking.  You're thinking that pan has a bottom to it!"



  A young lady on vacation heads for the deck of the hotel's roof 
for some sun. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but as no one 
is around she slips it off for an over-all tan on the second day.  
She is lying on her stomach when she hears someone running up the 
stairs.  She quickly pulls a towel over her derriere.
  "Excuse me, miss," says the flustered assistant hotel manager.  
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunning on the roof, but we would very 
much appreciate you wearing our bathing suit as you did yesterday.
  "What difference does it make?  No one can see me up here and, 
besides, I'm covered with a towel," she responded.
  "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man.  "You're lying on the 
dining room skylight."



  A Mother and Father and their young son go visit a nudist camp...
the son goes off to the beach area and comes back to his mother 
and says..."Mommy Mommy woman down here have bigger breasts than 
you do!!" to which the mother replied, "That's right son...but the 
bigger they are the dumber they are."
  The son goes back to the beach again and comes running back to 
his mother two minutes later and says...."Daddy Daddy men down here 
have bigger peckers than you do!!" to which the father replied, 
"That's right son...but the bigger they are the stupider they are."  
  The family decides to continue exploring the nudist camp on there 
own...The son comes running up to his mother a half hour later and 
finds his mother and says to her. "Mommy Mommy dad is talking to a 
really dumb blonde and the longer he talks the stupider he is getting!"



  There were two guys that played charades every week, betting big 
money. Tom always seemed to win, and Joe always lost.  Joe planned 
and planned, and came up with what he thought was the perfect way 
to win back his money. 
  The day came to bet, and Joe brought in seven naked women.  He 
placed them so that the first one had her back to Tom, the second 
was facing him, the third with her back to him, the fourth facing 
him, and the last three with their backs to him.  "Guess that one!" 
he exclaimed, triumphantly.
 "Ah, that's easy--the William Tell Overture," responded Tom.
  "How did you guess?" asked Joe.
  "Rump titty rump titty rump rump rump!"



  Two men who owned a bar were getting ready to close up.  Suddenly 
a beautiful woman walks in.  "I'll bet you one roll of the dice for 
$2000", she says.  Since the bet is in their favor the men decide 
to go for it. The women puts her money on the table.
  "Just a minute," she says. She goes into the restroom.  After a 
few minutes she comes out stark naked.
  She rolls the dice, "7", she says.  She takes the money and leaves.
  After a few minutes one man says to the other, "Did you see that 7", 
  "No I thought you did!"



  "I'm really angry, Eddy," his wife screamed at him.  "I've been
holding dinner for you for two hours. Where on earth have you been?"
  "I've been standing in the lake, waiting for it to get dark," he
replied.
  "Why on earth would you do a silly thing like that?" she asked.
  "I lost my swimming trunks."



  Emma was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at
the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told 
him, "it didn't end all that great for me."
   Why, what happened? he asked.
   "Well, I went out to take a swim in the rough water. I didn't 
go out so far because the waves were very bad, but even so, I 
suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower 
half of my bathing suit to be snatched off.  I looked but it 
was gone, gone, gone!"
  "Well, for goodness sakes, Emma, what did you do?"
  "Do?  Why I did what any respectable housewife would do. I 
covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach 
house as fast as I could."



  There were two friends in Russia. Both of them were drunks. 
One of them was happy, while another sad.
  The happy one asked the other, "Tell me, what's buggin' ya?"
  "You see, when I come home drunk, my wife locks a door. I 
have to walk the streets for many hours, and get into trouble 
with police. They want to get rid off me at work. Nothing to 
cheer about."
  "You know, I had that problem in the past, but found a solution. 
I am undressing naked at the stairways, press a bell button. When 
my wife opens a door, I throw my clothes inside. She is afraid 
of the scandal, so she lets me in."
  "You know, I gonna try it."
  A few weeks later they meet again and the sad guy is even worse 
than usual.
  "What happend? Did you try my method?"
  "Let me tell you. I undressed, pressed the button. The door 
opened. I threw all of my clothes, the doors closed. And then 
I heard, "The next station - Red Square"



  It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a
posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running 
towards her, screaming.
  "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside
my window!!!"
  The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
  "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
  "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an 
apartment building opposite the hotel.
  The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on,
moving around his apartment.  "It's probably a man who's getting ready
to go to bed," she said reassuringly.  "And how do you know he's naked,
you can only see him from the waist up?"
  "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the
dresser!"



HOW YOU UNDRESS MAY DETERMINE YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE!

Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Caprio gives the following breakdown:

HAPHAZARD UNDRESSER:
If you throw your clothes all over the house, you are a friendly,
life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, 
not caring much about what others think of you.

METICULOUS UNDRESSER:
If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you
are a serious person who likes life very calm. You are comfortable
with routine, and you believe that the best way to deal with life's
problems is to prevent them in the first place.

SHOES AND SOCKS FIRST UNDRESSER:
You are perfectionist, very shy, observant, dependable, intense, and 
think before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, 
with concentration. You know how to pay attention.

SLOW UNDRESSER:
If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the
pants, you are extremely self-confident, intellectual, a deep thinker, 
and don't like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for 
yourself.

FAST UNDRESSER:
If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are
concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you're
worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay
extremely busy.

JEWELLERY OFF FIRST UNDRESSER:
If you take off your rings, watch, etc., before anything else, 
you are warm, thoughtful, sensitive, and romantic.

NEVER THE SAME WAY UNDRESSER:
If you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious,
interesting person, and you enjoy a broad range of activities. 
You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure.




  A fairly famous Melbourne surf/sailboard chain had a fairly famous
sailboarder working for them in the early 90's. We'll call him Arthur.
Arthur was and is happily married.
  One summer day he was working away when a rather attractive girl 
bounced in, and asking him if they sold bikinis.  "Yep, over there", 
and she went over and checked them out for a minute.
  "Excuse me, do you have g-string bikinis?"
  "Yes, down the end" He replied.
  "Can I try it on?"
  "Change rooms across on the right."  She goes in, and it is important 
to note that the change room door is not visible from the counter where
Arthur was standing.
  "Excuse me," comes her voice, "Can you come here?"  Arthur hears, and
off he goes to see what the problem is.  The other bloke in the shop is
at this stage justifiably interested in proceedings, and since he can't
see into the change room from the counter, he instead watches Arthur.
Arthur looks into the change room, looks down and his face turns white.
  "Whaddya think?" she asks.
  "I think you have it on backwards."




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