Pregnancy Jokes

Pregnancy Jokes



What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

 

How can you spot the unwanted baby?
He's born with a coat hanger sticking out his ass.



Why is it so great to be a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.



Define:  Henpecked.
A sterile man afraid to tell his pregnant wife.



How can you tell if your girlfriend is about to have an abortion?
You catch her knitting little body bags.



Why did the sperm bank develop a new freezing method?
So their product would taste like fresh squeezed.



Define: Artificial insemination.
A technical knock-up.



  A woman goes to a sperm bank  for artificial insemination.  
The doctor takes off his clothes and explains, "We're all out 
of the bottled stuff, I'm going to have to give you draft."



They just found the reason for increased teen-age pregnancies...
Increased teen-age fucking.



What's do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common?
You should have taken it out earlier.



  On the Valentine's Day before the birth of our first child 
I brought a flowering plant home to my pregnant wife.
  "They're mums," I told her, pleased with my pun.
  Since it was already a week past her due date, my wife quipped, 
"You should have gotten impatients."



  People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less 
traumatic for the baby because it's in water.
  But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.



  Little Lucy loved sucking her thumb so much. She was now five
years old but hadn't stopped the bad habit. In an effort to stop
her from this bad practice, Lucy's mother lied to her that her 
stomach will swell and will finally burst if she doesn't stop the 
habit. The lie scared little Lucy that she actually stopped the 
habit immediately.
  A month later, Mrs. Blecker, who was expecting her first child, 
pays them a visit. When Lucy comes in to greet her she stops 
first to stare at Mrs. Blecker's tummy, then goes ahead with her 
greeting.
  Mrs. Blecker notices the hesitation and asks, "Hi, Lucy! I guess
you are wondering where I've been, aren't you?"
  The little girl answers, "Not exactly, Mrs. Blecker, I know what
you've been doing and you better stop it fast."
  
 

  In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks, 
"Teacher, can my mother get pregnant?"
  The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
  The little girl says, "Forty."
  The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."
  The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
  The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
  The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
  The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly
could get pregnant."
  The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
  The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
  The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."
  The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."
  The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and
says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
 


  Multiple births seem to be popping up all over the place:
Twins, triplets, Quads, Quints, and more! I think I can
understand what's going on:
  The shape the world's in today, kids are afraid to come
out by themselves!



  A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realise that this 
is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?"
  "Who says it's ONLY A FORMALITY?" asked the father angrily.
  "Her obstetrician!" replied the young man.



  My father and stepmother knew that my baby brother was going 
to have to be born by Caesarian. Nonetheless, flush with parental 
enthusiasm, they decided that Dad was to take photos of the event. 
The roll of film was duly taken and sent off to be processed, 
however when we got the little package back we found it to be full
of someone's holiday snaps. There had been a mix-up and someone 
else was, at that very moment, finding photos of an operation 
instead of beaches and smiling faces...
  When the developers arranged a swap they told us the other people
had been "very upset".



  One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home
early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over
something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't 
something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I hope not. 
She has morning sickness."



Making The Most Of Your Teen Pregnancy

Hey, girls!  Pregnancy is a great way to keep your boyfriend and
get lots of attention, but it's also a big responsibility.  Here
are some tips to get you through those nine months.

* Plan ahead!  You don't want your expectancy date to coincide with 
prom or homecoming.

* Drink lots of water.  This will flush the alcohol and drugs right
out of your system before it reaches your baby.

* Be prepared!  Make sure you purchase the latest styles of cool,
fashionable Nike athletic shoes for your baby ahead of time.

* Make sure all your teachers know you are pregnant, so they will
have reduced expectations for you, allowing you to skate through 
junior high.

* Take care of little details early.  Make sure you get your driver's
license in case you have to take yourself to the hospital when you go
into labor.

* If someone expresses disapproval that you are having a baby at
such an early age, get "in their face" with lots of sassy "attitude."
A key phrase to remember: "Nobody gonna tell me how to raise my baby."

* Remember to eat often (every three to four hours) when you're
pregnant--even if you'd rather spend your money on CDs and clothes
rather than candy bars and chips.

* Smoking while pregnant can result in lower birth weight for your
newborn, making it smaller and easier to pass through the birth canal.

* Be the envy of your friends by thinking up the coolest baby name
ever.  Viripulus Equinox or Shaniatwaine are some great examples.

 


  I suppose pregnant women do get tired of each person they talk to 
only discussing either babies or pregnancy with them.  I was at a 
party one time and overheard a lady ask an obviously near full term 
mother-to-be how she was feeling these days.
  The expectant lil' mother frowned and said, "Not too good. I've 
missed seven or eight periods, and I'm beginning to worry about it."



  A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after 
a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of 
three possible operations. 
  The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not 
pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends 
the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not 
as complicated as the third alternative. 
  But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in 
the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. 
  After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal 
marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving
a baby.
  Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular 
examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're 
finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all 
about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must 
have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
  "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations
failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so 
I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."



  Then there was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have 
her first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next 
year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
  The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there, 
just like clockwork.
  In the twelfth year - she didn't show, and the staff wondered what 
happened...A couple of years later she shows up, but she's not pregnant.
The hospital staff wonder what happened - did her husband die, or what? 
When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby the past couple of 
years, she replied "No, no more. Found out what was causin' it." 


 
  The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant,
but couldn't say who was responsible. "All right !" bellowed her
Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until
you can give us a definite answer."
  Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think
I have an idea now."
  "I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any
daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."
  "Chill Mom." the girl said.  "I got it narrowed down to the band or
the football team."



  A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was 
pregnant.
  The doctor asked, "Do you know who the father of the baby is?"
  The girl remarked, "Doc, let me put it to you this way -- if you 
ate a can of baked beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"



  A 60-year old man went to a doctor for a checkup.  The doctor told 
him, "You are in terrific shape.  There's nothing wrong with you. Why,
you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year old.  By the 
way, how old was your father when he died?"
  The 60-year old patient responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
  The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is your father and is 
he very active?"
  The patient answered, "Well, he is 82 years old and still goes 
skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the 
summer."
  The doctor couldn't believe it.  So he said, "Well, how old was your
grandfather when he died?"
  The patient shot back, "Did I say he was dead?" 
  The doctor was astonished.  "You mean to tell me you are 60 years 
old, and both your father and grandfather are alive!!  Is your 
grandfather very active?"
  The patient replied, "He goes skiing at least once a season and 
surfing once a week during the summer.  Not only that...my grandfather
is 106 years old, and next week, he is getting married again."
  "Heavens," the doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your 
grandfather want to get married?"
  "Did I say he wanted to??"


 
  The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze 
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to 
breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary 
assurances at this stage of the plan.
  The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take 
the time to go walking with your partner!"
  The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group 
raised his hand.
  "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"



  A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
  "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."
  "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, 
our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
  "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."



  An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a 
baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor 
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 
5-year-old child.
  The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could
see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.  The child did so,
the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the
newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to
take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he
thought of the baby.
  "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled 
up there in the first place!"



  A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like 
that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it." 
  "Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I 
used to get once a month."



  A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor 
says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
   The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
   The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother
and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
  The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been 
left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
  Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
  The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About 
five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something 
wrong out there doctor?"
  The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three 
wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it
this time!"



  "I'm really worried," exclaimed Sam.
  "Why?" Pete asked.
  "Well, my wife read `A Tale of Two Cities' and we had twins.  
Later she read `The Three Musketeers' and we had triplets.  
Now she's reading `Birth of a Nation!"



  It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not 
well with her attractive daughter.  To her pointed questions, the girl
tearfully admitted that motherhood was approaching, and that a close
friend of the family was responsible.
  With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friend's house 
and confronted him.  The man readily admitted his guilt.
  "But I have a very good reason," the soon-to-be dad said. "I doubt 
I'll ever get married, and wanted an heir to leave my fortune to. If 
your daughter presents me with a daughter, I'll give her $500,000.  
If she bares me a son, I'll make it a million."
  "Now see here," said the Mother, "That's totally unacceptable.  
If it's a miscarriage, will you at least give her another chance?"



  One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady 
ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring,
then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?"
  "Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must
besomething in the air."
  "Yes," said the priest, "your legs."


  Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his
girlfriend  Sheila about to throw herself off.
  "G'day Sheila" she shouts "What d'ya think you're doing?"
  "G'day Bruce", she says, "You got me pregnant, and now I'm gonna 
kill meself".
  "Sheila", he says, "Not only are you a great shag, but you're a 
real sport, too!"



  Her young bosom heaving in chagrin, Susan confessed her tearful 
tidings to her Mother.
  "Oh Mom !" she sobbed, "I'm pregnant !"
  "Ye gods !!!" screamed the Mother.  "And just who is the Father?"
  The daughter lifted up her weeping face and wailed "How the hell 
would I know. You're the one who would never let me go steady."




PREGNANCY QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding
pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What
  if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
  beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now.  When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and 
  genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose 
  as well.  Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
  she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while
  my wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
   feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
 
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet
  have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed
  at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring
  on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
  Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
  but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
 
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in
 that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only-doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers,
  florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast
  and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
  chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's
  pregnant again.

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather
  than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
  anything at all.
 
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

    
  

Fatal things to say to a pregnant woman

"I finished the Oreos."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. 
Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk ?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........."

"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"



  Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one
of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."
  The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of
them says, "OK, _how_ do you know you're going to have a boy?"
  "Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was
on top.  So I'm going to have a boy."
  They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman
says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."
  "OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a
girl?"
  "Well, when _my_ child was conceived, I was on the bottom.  So I'm 
going to have a girl."
  They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously
getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into
horrible sobbing?
  "What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.
  The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say
one thing....
  "I'm going to have a puppy!"


 
  Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her 
obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, 
"My  husband wants me to ask you..."
  "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her 
shoulder, "I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the
pregnancy."
  "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I 
can still mow the lawn."

 

  When first introduced in the 60's, birth control pills were
pretty much considered near 100% effective. One lady who'd been
on the pill for over a year got pregnant anyway.
  She gave birth to a healthy baby boy who was born grinning ear
to ear instead of crying, and the doctor was amazed.  He'd never
seen anything like it.  He called some of his colleagues in at
once to have a look.
  Upon closer examination they noticed the baby had his lil' hand
clenched in a fist.  A doctor reached down and opened it.
  Inside the tiny hand was a birth control pill.



  A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.  This 
is her first pregnancy.  The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
  She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.  How much
will childbirth hurt?"
  The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
  "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
  "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
  "Like this?"
  "A little more..."
  "Like this?"
  "No.  A little more..."
  "Like this?"
  "Yes.  Does that hurt?"
  "A little bit."
  "Now stretch it over your head!"

 

Kissing is a habit,
screwing is a game,
boys get all the pleasure,
girls get all the pain, 

when he says he loves you 
and you believe it's true,
but when your stomache starts to swell 
he says the hell with you!!!

16 min of pleasure,
9 months of pain,
3 days in the hospital,
a baby with no name.

The baby is a bastard 
the mother is a whore, 
it never would of happened
if the rubber hadn't tore.



  I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my 
wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said 
to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new 
father of twins!" 
  The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota 
Twins baseball team."
  About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room 
and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith 
stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
  When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his 
wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for 
the Four Seasons Hotel!"
  At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a 
little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. 
When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a 
breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director 
for 101 Dalmatians."
 


  One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked 
for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the 
same sentence twice.
  First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father 
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
  "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.  She then called on 
little Michael.
  "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out 
beautifully," he said.
  "Excellent, Michael!"  Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. 
  "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that 
she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"



Top ways the world would change if men could get pregnant
---------------------------------------------------------

Childbearing would become a professional sport, with the 
requisite sponsors, t.v. coverage, color commentators, betting 
and player endorsements. (Michael Jordan plugging breast pumps)

Obstretricians and attending medical personnel would have to 
wear face masks, hard hats and full body armor during deliveries.    

Hospitals would have to spend significant dollars on upgrading
soundproofing in their labour and delivery rooms.

Men would spend even more time bragging about the size of their
hemorroids than they do about the size of their penis.

Stretch marks would be given a "real-men" name like "battle scars". 

Instead of lying about sexual conquests, men would lie about 
their stoic deliveries...("Hey man it was the first push at 10...
the stirrups were up and I was bearing down on goal...)

Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay

There would be a cure for stretch marks

Natural childbirth would become obsolete

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

Men would be eager to talk about commitment

They wouldn't think twins were so cute

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags

Patenity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

There would be no such thing as a "second child".

Women would rule the world.




  A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant 
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
  "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
  "No, you idiot!" the man shouted.  "This is her husband!"



  Three pregnant woman were happily knitting in a doctor's waiting room. 
After a while, one of them put down her wool and swallowed a pill.
  "If you don't mind me asking," the woman next to her said, "What was 
the tablet you just took?"
  "Iron," the woman replied. "I don't want my baby to be anemic."
  The mum-to-be smiled, stopped knitting, then popped a tablet of her own.
  "I take calcium," she explained. "I want my baby to have strong bones."
  A few minutes later, the third expectant mother laid her knitting 
needles aside and emptied half a bottle of medicine down her throat.
  "It's Thalidomide," she volunteered. "I don't know how to knit sleeves!"



  Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: 
the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. 
Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because 
they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however,
many of the world's leading scientists are in favor of the theory 
of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in 
schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. 
Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also 
be taught. Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes 
the following: 

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork 
does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alleged human fetal development contains several 
features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable 
to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child 
is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd 
claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children 
are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several 
well-documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to 
the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a 
positive correlation between the birth rate and the number 
of storks. Both are decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous 
scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that 
children are delivered by the stork.




  A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid 
I've got some bad news for you"
  "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. 
  "Tell me some good news for once"
  "All right. "Here's some good news," said the secretary. 
"You're not sterile"



  A lady, about seven months pregnant, got onto a streetcar 
and sat down upon which she noticed the man opposite her smiling.  
Feeling humiliated, she changed her seat. This time his smile 
turned into a grin, so she changed her seat again.  The man 
seemed more amused than ever, so again she moved, and immediately 
the man burst into laughter.
  Feeling highly insulted the woman complained to the conductor 
who had the man arrested.
  The case came up in court and the judge asked the man if he had
anything to say, whereupon the man replied, "Well your honor, it 
was this way.  When the lady got on the car I could not help but 
notice her condition, which in itself did not amuse me a bit, but 
when she sat down under a sign that read "THE GOLD DUST TWINS ARE 
COMING," I had to smile.
  Then when she moved and sat down under another sign which read,
"SLOANS LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THAT SWELLING," I was forced to grin.
 Then she got up and moved under a sign that read "WILLIAMS STICK 
DID IT!" I thought that was about the limit.
  The final straw was when she got up again and moved under the 
sign which read "GOODYEAR RUBBER WOULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS 
ACCIDENT," I just lost control of myself!"



Top 5 List of Things NOT To Say To Your Pregnant Wife 
After Her Ultrasound.
 
5) Thirsty?
4) Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3) Why does it look so much like a lizard?
2) So what ARE the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
1) Could we do that again?  The nurse had me distracted.



  A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk.  
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.  
  "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
  "Yes, I am."
  The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me 
during birth."
  He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
  "Yes, I am," she said.
  "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" 
he said.
  He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?"
  "Yes, I am," his father answered.
  The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead 
with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you to know that 
THAT HURTS!"



  Triplets are lounging around in the womb, discussing what they 
want to be after they are born and grow up. 
  First one says, "I want to be a plumber, 'cause after floating 
around in this swamp for nine months, I want to make sure that 
from now on the water's drained right."
  Second one says, "I want to be an electrician, 'cause I'm tired 
of being in the dark all the time."
  Third one says, "Well, I want to be a hunter."
  In unison, the other two ask, "Why a hunter?"
  Third one says, "cause the next time that gopher starts
sticking his head in that little hole down there, I'm gonna 
blast his ass off!"



  The teacher asked her children's art class to draw on the
blackboard their impressions of the most exciting thing they 
could think of. One little boy got up and drew a long jagged 
line.
  "What's that?" asked the teacher.
  "Lightening," said the boy.  "Every time I see lightening I
get so excited I scream!"
  "Very good," said the teacher.
  Next, a little girl drew a wavy line with the broad side of
the chalk. She explained that was her idea of thunder, which 
always excited her. The teacher thought that was excellent, 
too.
  Then little Jerry stepped to the board and made a single dot
and sat down.
  "What's that?" queried the teacher, a bit perplexed.
  "It's a period," replied Jerry.
  "Well, Jerry, now what's so exciting about a period?"
  "I don't know, teacher," the boy replied, "but my sister
missed two of 'em and my whole family's excited!"



Three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy: 

1)  During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
2)  During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
3)  During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
    "Wolf style?", you ask....That's when you sit by the 
    hole and howl!



  An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given 
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce 
children beyond comparison. 
  With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, 
he started to head west.
  Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous 
daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his
mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
  The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, 
so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one 
you want."
  The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man' s opinion.
  "Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can 
hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
  The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other 
girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
  The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
  "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you 
can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
  The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if 
things might be better. So he did.
  The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, 
just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"
  So they were wed right away.
  Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he 
was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you 
can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing 
could happen considering the parents.
  "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, 
not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."



  The following are all replies that have been included on Child 
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered 
by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of 
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was 
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. 
I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were 
at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was 
conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected 
sex with a man I met that night.  I do remember that the sex was so  
good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can 
you send me his phone number? Thanks

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a 
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. 
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is 
Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that 
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic 
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right 
by you and right by my country please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look 
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him 
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney 
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember 
for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the 
evening.  If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than 
going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained 
unfertilised.



Girl 1:  Hi how are you?  What is it that you had to tell me?
Girl 2: Oh!  Guess what..I"m pregnant!
Girl 1:  Oh! My GOD!  Congratulations! (Both squeeling) Who's is it.
Girl 2: I don't know.....He got me from behind.


             


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