Prostitute Jokes

Prostitute Jokes




What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

 

  A popular whorehouse was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested 
a 15-year-old, and the madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors 
to lickers."



  Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole 
and still come out ahead.



What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it -- we're closed.



I thought that was an advertising quote from Bicycle Mary's House of
Prostitution. You know, the one who peddles her ass all over town. 
She had the sale of two titties.



What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!



Did you hear about the prostitute who had an apendix operation? 
Well, now she is making money on the side. 



Define: Pimp.
 A fornicaterer.



  "How'd you get the black eye?"
  "I called Yolanda a two-bit whore."
  "What did she hit you with?"
  "A sack of quarters."



Why did the baritone hire a hooker?
He wanted someone to hum his parts.



  A male out of work porn star is seeking employment.  The agent asks 
to see an eight-by-ten.
  "If I had an eight-by-ten, I wouldn't be out of work."



Cop to a hooker: "What would your mother do if she saw you doing this?"
"She'd kill me...It's her corner."



What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with a hooker?
The last blow job you'll ever get.



  "Is that Hortense?"
  "She looks relaxed to me...."



What's the difference between a call girl and a hooker?
The call girl doesn't have to worry about hitting her head 
 on the steering wheel.



Overheard by a person with a cold: 
"I have more phlegm in my throat than a Belgian prostitute .



What is the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute?
One uses vaseline, the other uses polygrip.



What do the pink panther and a male prostitute have in common? 
They are both peter sellers.



Its a business doing pleasure with you, said the whore 
as she accepted payment for her services.



What do you get if you cross a streetwalker with an elephant?
 A two-ton pickup.
 A piece of ass you'll never forget.



What do you get when you put two nuns and a hooker on a football field?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.



What do pitchers have in common with gigolos?
Fast Balls. 



Hear about the hooker that had a 300 pound customer?
She was pressed for cash.



If a whole bunch of women were walking down the street and they all 
 turned into potatoes how could you tell which one was the prostitute?
The potato with Idaho stamped on its back.



What do you get when you pull the trampoline out from under 
 a prostitute, while she's up in the air?
A ho-down.



How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.



What's the difference between a whore and a sperm bank?
The whore gets more deposits.



Why did the hooker wear platform shoes?
She didn't want to sell herself short.



What does a whore have in common with a pistol?
One cock, and they're ready to blow.



Who earns more money, a drug dealer or a hooker?
It depends on the quality of the crack.



Why does a prostitute charge more for anal sex than oral sex?
The hole is worth more than the hum of your parts.



What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker 
 and a prostitute with diarreah?
One shucks between fits!



What do you call a whore with her own transport?
Feels on Wheels!



Why was the commemorative postage stamp for prostitution unpopular?
It cost an extra 10 cents if you wanted to lick it. 



What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.



A woman was accused of prostitution.  
She went to trial and was acquitted by a hung jury.



Why do prostitutes wear knickers?
To keep their ankles warm



Why do they wear earings?
Something to hook their legs onto!



Why do they use condoms?
It last longer than gum!



  The raddled old prostitute had seen better days, "Want a good time 
dearie?" she asked a passing sailor.
  "Well, er, I only have got a fifty pence piece," he said.
  "That's ok, dear," she said, "I've got change."



  Two prostitutes were talking.
  "We're in the best business in the world," said one.
  "Why's that?" said the other.
  "Well, we've got it, we sell it, and we've STILL got it!"



  A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring
a pair of silver shoes when a guy slid up beside her.
  "Like the shoes? I'll buy them for you if you come to bed
with me."
  "Okay. But be warned - I don't like sex very much."
  He bought the silver shoes and took her back to his hotel
where, once again, she emphasised her lack of enthusiasm.
And, indeed, she just lay there motionless not giving him
the slightest encouragement.  So much so that he was getting
bored himself.
  She suddenly lifted her legs high in the air and shouted,
"WOW!"
  "I thought you didn't like sex!" he said with mounting
excitement.
  "I don't. But I just LOVE these new silver shoes!"



  A bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. 
He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the 
evening."
  The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight,
but if you'd care to, I'm available."
  So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As 
he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, 
flaccid, he's only two inches long.
  But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his manhood rises to 
a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five 
hours the madam is very impressed.
  "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable
evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the
girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something 
special, you know."
  But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not 
to praise him."



  One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy 
answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.
  The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house."
  The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little 
boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays 
and Fridays during the rush."
  The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
  The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around
knocking on doors telling folks."



  The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for 
$20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out." 
  The boy quickly agreed. The couple went into the woods, and the 
young thang slipped off her panties and laid back. The boy slipped 
in his erection and handed her a $10 bill. And then, when he was 
finished, he handed her another $10 and she released him.
  The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed. This time, 
he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just lay there.
  After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it out now."
  He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any 
more money."



  Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar.  
The first one says my pussy is so big, I can screw three 
guys at the same time.
  The second prostitute says, MY pussy is so big, I can 
screw a guy's leg up to the knee.
  The third one just slides down the stool...



  A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office (Foot specialist),
mistaking it for a whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then 
told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally, 
the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his 
penis through the screen.
  The nurse walked over, shrieked and dropped her tray of instruments.
  "That's not a foot!" she screamed.
  The drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum." 
 


  Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the 
night before.
  "I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.
  "How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.
  "Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat 
and the boots on all the time we were together."
  "Sounds like a cowboy, all right."  the others say.
  "I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell 
because he wore a three piece suit and  packed a briefcase. 
He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all 
the time."
  They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
  "I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.
  "How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked. 
  "First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet,
then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."



  The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a 
prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
  The hooker says, " No problem, honey."
  She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed.
He crawls on top of her.
  "Okay, stick it in honey...all the way in...now pull it out...
now put it back in...now pull it out..."
  "For goodness sake," says the boy, "will you make up your
fucking mind?"



  A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to 
marry her right away.  She said, "But we don't know anything about
each other."
  He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we 
go along."
  So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon 
to a very nice resort.  One morning they were laying by the pool, 
when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board 
and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three 
rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut 
the water like a knife.  After a few more demonstrations, he came 
back and lay down on the towel.
  She said, "That was incredible!"
  He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.  You see, 
I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
  So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.  
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on 
her towel hardly out of breath.
  He said, "That was incredible!  Were you an Olympic endurance 
swimmer?"
  "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both 
sides of the canal.



  The new hooker just finished her first trick and when she came back
down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear
the details.
  She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".
  "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
  She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he
didn't have that much". "So I told him a blow job would be $75, but
he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well, how much
do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25.
  The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job"
  He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said " he
pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above
the first and then the first hand above the second hand....."
  "Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge"! " then what
did you do?"
  "I loaned him $75!" she said.



  There were two friends one evening in a bar arguing over which of 
them could have sex the most times in one night. They decided to 
settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse for the evening.
  So they got to the whorehouse, paired off with a couple of the
ladies, and went to their respective rooms.
  The first guy energetically balled his whore and, reaching up 
with a pencil, marked a line on the wall. Then he fell asleep. 
He woke up in a couple of hours and screwed the whore again, albeit 
a little less enthusiastically. Again, he reached back and marked a
line on the wall. Again, he fell asleep. He woke up again in a 
couple of hours and lethargically humped the hooker again. 
He drowsily marked a third line on the wall and fell asleep for the
rest of the night.
  The next morning, the second guy barged into the white guy's room 
to see how he did. He took one look at the wall and exclaimed, "A 
hundred and eleven? You beat me by three!"



  A man walks into this whore house to get a woman but doesn't know 
what he wants. The woman at the counter tells the man to go outside 
to where this fence is and in this fence are some holes. She instructs 
him to stick his dick into each of the holes and then to make a choice. 
He sticks his dick into the first hole and he gets his dick sucked. 
He sticks his dick into the second hole and he gets jerked off. 
He sticks his dick into the third hole and he feels it slip into some 
chicks pussy. After he finishes he walks back inside to the woman at
the counter.
  She asks him what woman he wants.
  The man says, "Forget the women. I want 30 yards of that fence."



  Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.  One complained to the 
other, "Boy, business sucks.  If I don't sell more cars this month, 
I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
  Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologised for his bad language.
  "That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking car."



  There were three off-duty prostitutes sitting in a bar having a 
quick pint before they were due to be back on duty, when one starts 
up a conversation about how big her pussy is.
  "Well," says the first hooker, "my pussy is so big that I can get
my whole fist in it."  And so she does.
  "That's nothing," says the second, "My pussy is so big that I can 
get both fists in it." She demonstrates this technique to the other 
two.
  The third opens up her mouth and says, "Listen ladies, if you're 
gonna brag, you may as well do it with style" and on saying this, 
she spreads her legs and slides 18 inches down the bar stool.



  As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, 
"Have you just gotten out of prison?"
  "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because
I wanted to have sex from the rear?"
  "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you
ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"




  A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls 
for the evening.  The next morning the madam informs the gentleman
that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.
  A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would
like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him 
with a bill for 1,000. Confused the man asks, "I don't understand, on 
Tuesday it was free."
  "That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on the
internet."



  An old man made it shakily through the door to Billy Bob's Cowgirl 
Ranch, outside of Reno, Nevada.
  The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place," 
she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"
  "Ain't this the famous Mustang? Ain't this where you allus got 
forty-five girls ready 'n' able?"
  The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"
  "I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."
  "How old are you, Pop?" she asked. 
  "Ninety-two," he replied.
  "Ninety-two? Gramps, you've had it!"
  "Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling 
fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"



   A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
  "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, 
it seems to bleed for hours," she replied.  "Do you think I might 
be a haemophiliac?"
  "Well," the doctor answered, "haemophilia is a genetic disorder
and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman 
to be a haemophiliac.  Tell me, how much do you lose when you have 
your period?" the doctor inquired.
  After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about
seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."



  Little Johnny is bored one Saturday, so he says to his dad, 
"Dad, I'm bored.  What is there to do?"
  His dad decides to have a little fun with Johnny, so he gives 
him four quarters, and says, "why don't you go to the drug store 
and get me some what's what?"
  Baffled but excited, Johnny scampers down the street to the 
drug store.  He asks the druggist for some "what's what," and at 
first the druggist is confused, until he guesses that this kid 
has been sent out on a wild goose chase.
  He replies, "we don't have any, but that building over there 
might," while at the same time he points towards a whorehouse.
  Johnny, again excited, runs over to the whorehouse.  He knocks 
on the door, and a naked women answers.  He says, "I need some... 
hey, what's that?", motioning to her crotch?
  "What's what?" she replies.
  Satisfied, Johnny says, "I'll take a dollar's worth!"
 


Teacher: "I want you all to tell me what you want to be when
         you grow up."
Little Jane: "When I grow up I want to be a doctor so I can
             earn lots of money".
Little Peter: "When I grow up I want to be a lawyer so I can
              put all the bad guys in jail and earn lots of money".
Little Johnny: "When I grow up I want my whole body to be covered 
               with hair.
Teacher:  "Hair ? Why ?"
Little Johnny: (shaping his hands to form a triangle) "My sister
               has only this much hair and you want to see the
               money SHE makes !"



  Little Johnnie was in his math class one day when the teacher 
singled him out.
  "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to 
Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
  "An orgy?" Johnnie replied with a question in his voice.



  A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been 
somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets 
in a bar one night.  She thinks it over, and she decides to accept 
his proposal.
  Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation,
but she decides to approach the problem after they are married.
  On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when
she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire
while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.
  They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the 
early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, 
turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being 
stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the 
field were you before you noticed??"



  A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the 
difference between singular and plural.
  She said, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?"
  Little Charlotte said, "Singular."
  "Very good," said the teacher. "What is it if three women are looking 
out of a window?"
  Little Johnny mumbled just loud enough for all to hear, "A whorehouse."



  A man is walking down the street and is really horny. He goes to the
first brothel he sees but only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
  The man goes to the next one.  But, since he only has five dollars, 
he gets kicked out again.
  So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one
and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need
a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
  The madam there says, "For five dollars, all we can give you a penguin."
  "What's a penguin?"
  "You'll see."
  So, the madam takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. 
He unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
  Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the man a blow job. Just
as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.
  The horny man waddles after her, with his pants at his ankles, shouting,
"HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"



  A research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the 
husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
   "Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the
answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, 
under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote 'Three times a week' 
and your wife 'Three times a night'."
   "Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only 
until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."


 
  An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the 
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will 
prepared.  The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment 
for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
  The woman replied, "You  must understand, I've lived alone all 
my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would 
it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
  The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he 
went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate 
and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please 
tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be 
distributed under your will?"  
  She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
   "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to 
be distributed?"
  The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive 
life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice 
when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
  The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have 
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting 
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But 
tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining 
$5,000?"
  The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived 
alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.
I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
  "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll 
see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
  That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the 
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how 
much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of 
coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
  She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the 
car until you're finished.
  The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited 
while he went into the house.  She waited for over an hour, but her 
husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
  Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his 
head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the 
County bury her!"
 


  Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady
answers and says, "Collecting, that'll be five dollars."
   She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give 
you sex instead."
   Johnny says, "All right."
  He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the
biggest penis she's ever seen!
  Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge
washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
  She says, "You don't have to do that - I can take all of it."
  He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."



  Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a 
more downtown location...so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped
them off in the city's red-light district.
  A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy...would you
like a hand job?"
  The bum shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"
  A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said,
"Hey guy...would you like a blow job?"
  The bum again shook his head and said, "errr...no its okay!"
  After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd 
better go back where we came from, we've only been here 10 minutes
and we've been offered two jobs already!"



  A farmer and his young son were struggling to keep the farm going 
after the death of the farmer's wife. While planting the north forty,
they ran out of seed.
  "I hate to ask this, I know how much you love your pet duck Gertrude,
but I want you to go to town and sell her and buy more seed while I 
plant what we have left".
  The son reluctantly agreed it was necessary and set off on foot, 
since they had already sold the truck. He had to walk by the whorehouse,
so he stopped when he saw the door open, for he had always been curious.
  "I'm only a poor farmboy, but I always wanted to know what goes on in 
here. I have no money to pay; only this duck."
  The madam, seeing his bulge, said "I wouldn't normally do this, but 
business is slow. See Alice, last door on the right."
  After repeating his sad story, Alice agreed to take the duck, and 
proceeded to demonstrate her craft. Finding him very well endowed, she 
said "I'll give you back the duck for another go."
  He agreed.
  Shortly, a sailor arrived and burst in the door to Alice's room. "My 
ship leaves in an hour and I have to see Alice once more before I leave;
I'll give you $10 to let me go first."
  After a while the boy, worried about how long he was gone and what he 
had done, went back to the farm. His father saw him come back with the 
duck and started to berate him.
  Exasperated at his reception, he blurted "Look! I got a fuck for a 
duck, a duck for a fuck, ten bucks to duck a fuck, and I've still got 
the fuckin' duck!!"



  After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician
took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
  "Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
  "Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied.
  "You can't make a living on that."
  "Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on
the side!"



  Sherry called the police department and reported that she had 
been raped.
  The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?" 
  She replied, "Last week."  
  The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" 
  "Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was raped until the 
check bounced."



  Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing 
business, and one of the hookers said, Yep, it's gonna be a good
night, I smell cock in the air.
  The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."



  A policewoman in New York was on the red-light district on a decoy
sting, posing as a prostitute in an effort to catch anyone attempting
to procure her services. After a couple of arrests the local pros
(Legitimate Ladies of the night) called a nearby evangelical Christian
church to send a rather enthusiastic preacher to 'save this poor woman's
soul' so he and a few followers arrived shortly after and began
preaching the gospel on the very same corner the policewoman stood. 
This had the effect of driving away her potential customers as well 
as annoying the policewoman.
  In an effort to get rid of them she produced her badge to the 
preacher whereupon he asked "Don't they pay you enough to be a 
policewoman nowadays dear?" 



  A sweet girl of Seventeen is very eager to offer a small lovely
"TRIANGULAR PLOT" for sale which is centrally located on the slop
of the lower area but not observed or explored by anybody till date.
For the last Seventeen years the plot being tenderly cared and looked
after by the girl herself. The plot is fertile and can bear best 
result even in the first planting.
  For the last four years the plot was covered with shiny black
curly grass which is very tender to touch. No machine has yet been
used for trimming the grass which has now covered the whole area.
  Another thing which adds beauty of the plot is the fantastic pond
hidden under it. Offer are immediately invited from young men with 
firm and energetic capital which can be put in easily and this must
give outflowing white liquid capital.
  The young men should be strong enough to plough in hard with his
own tool. Although initially it will be hard and a bit difficult to 
cut open the gate seal. Once the capital is put in the entrance will
not repent and will be delighted to have ventured into the site.
  Since the neighbours are waiting for an opportunity to the pounce
this marvellous plot make haste to be first to enter into the site. 
Yet another fact to be disclosed regarding the site is that the 
"DOUBLE HILLS" on the top of the said plot is already captured by 
the local students. Anyhow, they are not permitted to go down.
  Offer for lease or retail will not be accepted.
  NB: ENTRANCE FROM THE BACK GATE STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

 

  Three little kids are sitting out on the curb one day trying to 
out-do each other.
  The first little kid says "If I had any wish in the whole world,
I would be made out of gold...I'd break off a little piece and buy
that Cadillac over there".
  The second Kid, not to be out done, says "If I had any wish in 
the whole world, I would be made out of silver, I'd break off a 
little piece and buy that trans am over there."
  The third little kid says, "If I had my best wish, I'd be hairy"
The other two just looked at him... he said 'Yeah, I would be hairy,
my sister has just a small patch between her legs and  she owns both
those cars and the building behind them".



  Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with 
only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so 
he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how 
to behave yourself".
  Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real down pour). About an
hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the
Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room
in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman
there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.
The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to
the barn.
  Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and 
the Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. 
Salesmen left for barn. One hour later a woman got stuck in the 
mud and approached the Farmer.
  He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling 
salesmen (he was so concerned about the saleswoman he forgot to 
mention the bear).
  The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.
  Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at
the door.  When opening the door the woman was standing there with 
her clothes torn and rumpled.
  The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.
  The woman replied I give up on human nature, the first guy gave 
me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that 
cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.



  A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl.
They go back to her room and start to discuss prices.
  She says, "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for straight 
sex, and $250 for a Monica."
  "What's a Monica?" he asks.
  "That's where I blow you now and screw you later."

 

  One evening, a lonely man was contemplating another Friday night with
the bunny mags, when he decided that it no longer was enough. He needed
a woman! Knowing the only woman he could get was one he paid for, he
wandered down to the brothel, and spoke to the madame.
  "Have you anything for me tonight?" he asks sheepishly.
  "I'm sorry sir," she replies. "Were completely booked up. The only 
thing we have available is a chicken."
  The gentleman is taken aback by the suggestion, but being desperate, 
he agrees.
  "Room 13." The madame says. The gentleman goes into room 13, and lo 
and behold there's a chicken hopping about on the floor. The man is
actually quite turned on by this, and has his way with the poor creature
to his extreme delight. He finishes the job, pays the madame, and leaves.
  The next night, the gent is thinking about his new found bestiality,
and wants more of the same. He goes back to the brothel, and asks for
another chicken.
  "I'm sorry sir, were out of chickens, but Room 12 you might like."
  So the man goes into room 12, and sees another gent with his pants
down, whacking himself off as he looks through a hole in the wall. 
The man looks through himself and sees three women giving a horse a
blow-job.
  "Jesus!" says the chicken molester. "This is great!"
  "should have come in last night, "said the other man, "There was
this bloke buggering a chicken...."



  A guy goes to a whore house and walks up to the attendant. He says,
"I want a woman who will just lay there so I can just fuck her all night."
  the attendant says "Ok sir, just go up stairs and go into the first 
room to your right and you will find a woman there who you can fuck."
  The guy leaves and goes to the room. Laying on the bed is a hot looking
blond chick. The guy takes off his clothes, jumps on her and begins to
fuck her. He does it everywhere, on the bed, on the walls, sideways and
all over the floor. After a few hours of intense fucking, white liquid
starts coming out of the woman's mouth and nose. The guy panics and
runs out the room to the attendant.
  The guy yells "Oh my god, I fucked her so hard that I think I 
killed her!"
  The attendant says "Just a minute sir. HEY, THE DEAD ONE'S
FULL ALREADY!"

 

  There's two guys sat in a bar, and one is complaining that he
hasn't had any for a while. The other man, sympathises, and tells
him of a 'place' he can go to get some relief. He also recommends
Maureen for his new friend.
  'Maureen?' the desperate one asks.
  'Trust me,' the other gent says. 'Maureen gives the best blow-job
on the planet. Amazing thing is, half-way through, she starts singing
'Amazing Grace' whilst she's giving you the blow-job!'
  The desperate one finds this intriguing, and later on goes to the 
brothel. He asks for Maureen, and is pointed to a door. He goes in, 
but the room is pitch black. Reaching for the lightswitch he hears a
voice say 'Leave the lights off, love, it helps the atmosphere. Just
take your clothes off and pop on the bed.'
  Our hero does so, and is rewarded with the best blow-job he has
ever had - this is incredible! A couple of minutes later, he hears 
'Amazing Grace' coming from down under, whilst Maureen is still in 
full tilt.
  Amazed, but still enjoying himself, he finishes the deed and leaves.
  The next day he starts thinking about this, and wants to know how 
she does it. Certain there's something not right, he goes back to the
brothel and asks for Maureen again. As before, he goes into the room,
takes his clothes off, pops on the bed and Wham! The most incredible,
indescribable pleasure he has ever had. Sure enough, two minutes later,
he hears 'Amazing Grace' coming from down south. He finishes, and
wanting to know the truth, jumps out of bed and turns the light on.
  He spins round, but there is only a woman on the bed, so he looks 
around the room. Nothing, except a jug of water by the sink with a
glass eye in it....



  A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he
runs into a hooker.
  He says, "How much?"
  She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right."
  They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her.
  The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under
the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she
blasts two incredible farts.
  When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars.
  She says, "What's the extra five?"
  He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."



  Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their 
car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
  A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd
either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
  Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
  One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"
  "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign
pertains to religion."
  So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down 
and drove off.
  The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the
two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring
he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed 
the new sign which now read:
  "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00



  The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had 
been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who 
had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily
obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on,
and how much he wanted to make it with her.
  She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to
pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He 
scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get
my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"
  "No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay 
full price for it, just like the other Johns."
  The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
  That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a 
local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out 
all the lights.
  At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done.
In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made 
love to again. The  actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
  "My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I 
never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
  "I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at 
the door selling tickets."

 

  A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.  He arranges
for a hooker to be sent to his room.  When they're done, he said,
"I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good."
  The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that hot either."



  A rather superior British army officer spent a very enjoyable 
night with a high-class prostitute in Hamburg. The next morning 
he was up bright and early and was just about to sneak out 
through the front door when the prostitute appeared and said 
"Not so fast, Englischer swine! What about ze marks?" and held 
out her hand.
  "Ah yes" said the officer, bending to kiss her hand "Ten out 
of ten, old girl!"



  Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west,
a woman walked into a saloon.  Suddenly she realized that she 
was not in the general store so she started to turn around and
leave.  As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar
noticed her and said to the woman, "Come on over, Ma'am, sit 
yerself down right here next to me and have yerself a drink. 
  "Thank you kindly Sir, but I'm afraid that I couldn't," 
replied the woman, "on account that I need to get bread." 
  The cowboy replied, "Uh, Ma'am, I do reckon you came to 
the right place for that!"

 

  Two strangers, a man and woman are seated at a dinner party together.
The man turns to the woman and says, I've got a hypothetical question
for you miss.  
  The woman, curious, says "O.K. shoot."  
  The man says "If a man were to offer you one million dollars to sleep
with him, would you do it?"  
  The woman thinks for a moment and finally answers "I guess I would...
for a million dollars."  
  The man smiles and says "Then will you sleep with me for thirty-five
dollars?" 
  The woman, with a shocked expression on her face, stands and screams
at the man "Of course I won't. What do you think I am!"
  To which the man replies, "We've already determined WHAT you are,
now we're just working out a price."


 
  There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little 
travelling and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was 
feeling pretty horny so decided to stay a while.
  That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses
of ill repute, so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.
  After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and 
on the way the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy
said everything from Texas was big. After getting undressed and 
the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean 
about everything from Texas being big.
  "Yes ma'am" said the cowboy , "I mean everything."
  After they had finished their business and were getting dressed
the cowboy asked "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"


 
Washington DC(AP)--Celeste Pitcairn, Deputy Press Secretary 
for Postmaster General Abner Knobless, announced today that 
September 15, 1995 is the release date for the much anticipated
commemorative stamp that will honor to ancient profession
of prostitution.
  "We have been waiting too long for fair and equitable
treatment by our own government," stated Lucille Bonilla,
chairperson of COYOTE (Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics) a
lobby group for the decriminalization of prostitution.
  When asked what the new stamp would cost, Ms. Pitcairn
replied, "Fifty cents.  Seventy-five cents if you want to
lick it."



  A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the 
casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free 
things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to 
keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After 
winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided 
to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. 
  The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and 
stepped into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel 
and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the 
city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V. The guy
dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows
at the city. He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share
his good fortune. He called the front desk and told the clerk to send
up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city. 
  Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened 
it to find the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, 
short red dress, and spiked heels. She walked into the room. The guy 
went to the bar and fixed two drinks; he gave one to the hooker, and 
drank one himself. 
  "Now, down to business," he began, "how much for a hand job?" 
  The hooker said, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" 
  "What, that's outrageous!" he said. 
  "Come over here," she said walking towards one of the windows, "see 
that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last 
two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money 
I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good. " 
  "All right, screw it, money is no object," our lonely friend 
replied. A half hour after she's done, the guy is sitting on the 
couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and made two 
more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. 
  "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"
  She replied, "Honey, a blow job is $5,000." 
  "What, that's outrageous!" he exclaimed. 
  "Come over here," she said walking towards another one of the windows,
"see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the 
window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from 
giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good." 
  "Oh, all right, screw it, money is no object," he said, giving her 
$5 grand. An hour after she's done, the guy was laying on the couch, 
head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool 
coming out of the corner of his mouth. He got up, barely able to stand,
staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, gave one to the hooker,
and drank one himself. 
  "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know,
how much for some pussy?" 
  The hooker looked at him and replied, "Honey, if I had a pussy, 
I would OWN this whole city!"



  A guy walks into a house of ill repute one Monday afternoon and asks
the lady at the front desk if she could provide him with a woman 'who 
would cooperate in any matter.'
  She tells him to go up to room 33 and wait.  He goes to the room and
presently a woman enters.  He grabs her by the shoulders and hurls her
upon the bed.  He proceeds to drop his pants and gets on top of her 
and squats down over her and shits on her.
  Tuesday afternoon the same guy enters the same establishment and 
retains the services of the same girl in the same room.  He squats 
down upon her and shits on her once again.
  Wednesday the routine is repeated.  Thursday yet again.  Friday 
ditto. Saturday is a repeat.  Sunday the same.
  Monday rolls around again.  The same guy gets the same girl in the
same room and squats down as usual but this time he only farts.
  The girl says, "What's the matter honey, don't you love me any more?"



   A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from
town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from 
town, when the girl stopped the boy.
  "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a
hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
  The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
  After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking
out the window.
  "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
  "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a 
taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."



  Quasimoto, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, has heard about sex all
his life, never had any. One day he decides he's going to get some,
and he takes off for the red light district of Paris. All the hookers
took one look at him, and refused to relieve him of his virginity.
He then proceeded to go to the back alleys where the gutter hookers 
hung out, and found one who would "do it" with him. She figured that
she could shut her eyes, and picture him as a normal looking male. 
  Well, there they were, standing there, her with her skirt up and 
eyes closed, he with his pants down around his ankles, going to it.
She accidentally opened her eyes, saw this horrible *thing* in front
of her, and threw up.  
  He asked her, "Did you vomit?"
  "Yes I did," she replied.
  "Thank God," he said, "For a minute I thought my hump burst."



  A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the 
night with her for $500.00.
  When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have 
any cash with him but that he would have his secretary write a 
check and mail it to her, calling it "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
  On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was 
not worth the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary 
send a note with a check for $250.00 and enclosed the following 
note:

Dear madam,

  Enclosed find check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your 
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when 
I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
    1. it had never been occupied.
    2. that there was plenty of heat.
    3. that is was small.
  Last night i found out that it had been previously occupied, 
that there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.

  Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check 
for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear sir:

  I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain 
unoccupied indefinitely. as for the heat, there is plenty of it, if 
you know how turn it on and if you don't have enough furniture to 
fill it, don't blame me.

Very truly yours



  One dismal rainy night in Sydney, a taxi driver spotted an arm 
waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even 
before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the 
cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he 
pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman
sitting in the back seat. 
  "Where to?" he stammered.
  "Kings Cross," answered the woman.
  "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell
are you looking at, driver?"
  "Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay
your fare."
  The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, 
smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
  Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything 
smaller?"



  A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
  One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex 
party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them 
outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when
suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
  Grandma asked, Why are you standing in line here, dear?
  Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told 
her grandmother that the  policemen were there passing out free 
oranges and she was just lining up for some.
  Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,
and she proceeded to the back of the line.
  A policeman was going down the line asking for information from 
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered 
and exclaimed, Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?
   Grandma replied, Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures 
out and suck them dry.



  There was a mother that had a daughter, Mary, that always sucked
her thumb. Upset by this, Marys mother told her that if she continued 
to suck her thumb, her body would swell up. Frightened, Mary stopped 
sucking her thumb.
  One day Mary and her mother were crossing the street and Mary saw a 
prostitute with big breasts. Mary pulled away from her mother, walked 
up to the prostitute and said, "Lady, I know what you've been sucking"



  A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she 
needs to file her taxes.
  The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few 
questions."
  He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then
asks, "What is your occupation?"
  The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
  The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no.  That will never work.
That is much too crass.  Let's try to rephrase that."
  The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
  "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
  They both think for a minute.
  Finally the woman states, "Okay, then...  I'm a chicken farmer."
  "What?"  the accountant asks.  "What does chicken farming have to 
do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
  "Well," the woman explains, "I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."


 
  A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho 
in London.
  "How much?" he asked.
  "It'll cost ya thirty quid," replied the tart.
  "American Express?" he inquired
  "You can go as fast as you like," she said.



  There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man 
for a soldier and propositioned him.
  The Salvation Army gent said, 'Ma'am, you may be forgiven,
as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you
familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"
  Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's 
*really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20."



  A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he 
wants most for his birthday.
  The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad."
  The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes 
him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in
it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year," says the father.
  The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same
reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for
another year.
  On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole 
already, I am ready for a woman!"
  The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse.
He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son."
  The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes
up the stairs and turns right."
  At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck
and then goes into the room with the whore. All of a sudden he hears 
terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs 
over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a 
broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top
of her lungs.
  "What the fuck are you doing son?" yells the father.
  "Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.

 

  "I don't understand how you can charge me extra like this all the
time." whined the distraught John.  "Why I'm sure I'm one of your 
best customers. I'm just like putty in your hands."
  "Precisely !" replied the call girl.



  There was this truck driver who really wanted some action, but 
only had five dollars.  So he stops at a whorehouse along the way
and asks the madam what he can get for five dollars.  The madam
laughs and says that for five bucks he can have Old Mabel.  The
truck driver doesn't like the sound of this but really needs to
blow a load, so he agrees.
  The madam leads him upstairs, opens the door, and there on the 
bed is the oldest, ugliest woman he has ever seen in his life -
- Old Mabel.  Well, having already paid the madam, the man decides
he may as well get it over with.  So he says to Mabel, "Take your
clothes off and let's get going."
  Mabel just laughs and says, "Oh no, dear, I'm too old for such
things."
  The man starts to get pissed off because obviously he isn't going
to get any pussy, even from this old hag.  But Mabel says, "Now
just wait.  My pussy doesn't work any more, but I tell you what.
I'll just take out my wooden eye and you can screw my eye socket.
  Now the man is completely disgusted.  However, he is such a state
by now that he has to either get off or go crazy, so he agrees.
Out pops the eye, in goes the truck driver.  Soon he is moaning
and screaming with ecstacy.  This is the best lay he has ever had
in his life.  After a few minutes he has the greatest orgasm he
has ever had.  That truck driver just can't thank Mabel enough.
He says, "Mabel, next time I travel through this way, you and I
have a date."
  Mabel says, "Well, alrighty dear, I'll keep an eye out for you."



  The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. 
He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally,
he proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money 
to provide you with anything your little heart desires."
  "Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet.
And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right,
I might see my way clear to rent you some."



  I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable
wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
  She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."
  I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
  She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."



  A guy is put before the judges bench because he is on trial 
for paying a prostitute for sex.
  "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
  "Not Guilty, your honor."
  Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor 
responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your 
innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent
payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
  "Easy," says the defendent, "I'll admit to the court that 
although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was 
committing another 'heinous' crime, gambling."
  "Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?" 
  "Well you see," answers the defendent, "I went up to the 
young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless
bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to
have sex with me tonight'.
  That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"



  This old guy goes into a whorehouse and asks for a busty young 
blonde teenager for the night. The madame is horrified.
  "You'd never survive a night with an energetic young woman!" 
she cries. "You're far too old. In fact, you've had it!"
  "Oh" Replies the old timer. "Have I? How much do I owe you then?"



  A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of
hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with
their pinkies and say "Hi there little boy!!"
  One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always
wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: "well, that is what size
we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!"
  The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The
young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all
his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says,
"HI THERE LADIES!


 
  A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided
to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked
the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
  "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.
  "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
  "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
  Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down 
the street in search of a more equitable shop.
  At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
  "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.
  "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.
  "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
  Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of 
a more equitable shop.
  His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the 
Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
  "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.
  "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
  "That's more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and 
pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
  "I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame while gesturing to a 
grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has 
seniority."



  A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice
neighborhood.  Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out
on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then 
another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the 
door of the house, and knocked.  A well dressed woman answered the 
door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. 
  "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
  "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?", asked the man.
  "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."



  There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter 
and grandmother.  One night the daughter came home looking very down.
  "How much did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.
  "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."
  "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents 
and were happy to get that as times were tough!"
  "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were so poor we 
were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

 

  One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down
from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
  "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the 
Yukon," he said to the bartender.
  "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second 
room on the right.
  The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker
and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked
the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking
for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."
  The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found 
her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
  "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
  "I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to 
open those beers first."



  A traveler checks into a hotel.  Glancing at the Gideon Bible, he
reads on the front page, "If you are sick at heart, read page 124.
If you are unsure of your journey, read page 144.  If you are very
lonely, read page 188."
   Being very lonely, the man reads page 188.  At the bottom of the
page, scribbled in ink, he finds a message:  "If this page hasn't
worked, call Martha at 555-8910."



  A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her
$200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her 
sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!
  She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly
grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building,
but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her. By 
this time, the firemen are there.
  He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, 
in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"
  The fireman says, "No!"
  The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."



  A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office, mistaking it for a 
whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind
the screen and stick it out.
  So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants
and stuck his penis through the screen.
  The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments.
'That's not a foot!' she screamed.
  The drunk replied, 'Sorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum.'

 

  Three friends decided to visit a prostitute -- a white guy, 
a black guy, and a Jew. It was a slow night, so she gave the 
guys a deal.
  "You can pay by the inch."
  When the white man came back out, his friends asked, "How 
much did she charge you?"
  "$75 dollars," said the white man.
   The black guy went in and returned with a fee of $95.
   The first two men were quite proud of their prowess.
   The Jewish man went in and then returned,
   "How much did she charge you?" asked the first two.
   "20 dollars," replied the Jew proudly.
   The first two start laughing hysterically.
   "Hey you guys," replied the Jew, "I'm not so stupid,...
I paid on the way out!"



  Morris is walking around New York with his wife, Sadie. 
They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits 
outside.
  A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home
with me, buddy?"
  "For how much?" asks the man.
  "One hundred dollars."
  "I'll give you five bucks."
  The girl spits at him and walks away.  A little later, 
the Sadie comes out of the shop and they continue their 
walk.  On the first corner they come to there is the same
hooker.
  She takes one look at Morris and Sadie and says, 
"You see?  You see what you get for five bucks?"

 
  A guy is walking down the street. A Hooker approches him and 
says, "I'll do anything for you for $20.00.
  "Anything ?" said the guy.
  "Yes" replies the hooker.
  "Here's $20.00 go paint my house"



  Three drunkards visit a whorehouse. The lady who owned it tells them,
Sorry guys. I have only two girls available.
  Can't you find a third one?
  No. I only have a blown up doll. She is very pretty. Do you want it?
  OK give it to this one who drunk more than the two of us.
  The next day each one was describing his experiences.
  Mine was great. She was hot like an oven.
  Oh you should see mine. her body was in such delight that she was 
dancing like a Spanish dancer.
  This is nothing, said the third. Mine was like a magic. When I bite 
her nipple she started flying like crazy all around the room and then 
dissappeared from the window!



  A gentleman goes to a restaurant. He orders spagetti. The waitor 
brings him the plate and he starts eating. Suddenly he finds a hair
in the spagetti. He starts shouting and complains to the management.
  Then he leaves the restaurant. The manager of the restaurant fires
the cook. The cook runs out of the restaurant trying to find the man
who caused all this trouble. He sees him walking far in the distance.
He runs towards him. The man enters a door and the cook after a while 
enters there as well. The place is a whorehouse. 
  Where is that man! says the cook to the old lady who was the manager
of the whore house.
  He is at the room 4.
  The cook enters at the room 4 and sees the man licking the vagina 
of a prostitute.
  What about all this hair you put in your mouth!! says the cook 
angrily! Don't you feel it's dirty!??
  Well, you see, responds coolly the man, it is a matter of order and 
having everything in it's place. If I would find a spagetti in this 
hair for example I would complain the same way as in the restaurant.



  So into a bar comes a prostitute.  She spots a koala bear sitting at
the end of the bar.  After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala
bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning,
the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
  "HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "You haven't paid!"
  Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she 
reaches for a dictionary and looks up *prostitute*.
  She shows him the definition:
  PROSTITUTE (pros'ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services 
for money.
  The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary.  
He shows her a definition:
  KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.



  Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on
the following three conditions:
 1) $10.00 to do it on the grass.
 2) $20.00 to do it on a couch.
 3) $30.00 to do it in the bed.
  It's in the morning when a man walks in and slaps a $10 bill on the
table.  So they go out and do it on the grass.
  Around noon, another man walks in and slaps a $20 bill on the table.
So they go for the couch and do it on there.
  About the end on the day, a 3rd man walks in and slaps $30 on the 
table. Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,... you 
have class"
  The 3rd man responds, "Class my ass...Three times on the grass..



  An over  exhuberant fellow was getting it on with a young lady at 
a local brothel one afternoon on a bed which was placed directly in 
front of a third floor window. Things were getting quite physical 
when during one hearty stroke the head of the bed broke free and the 
naked couple plunged right out the window to the ground landing in 
a mixture of nude body parts. 
  A drunk wandered by moments later, stopped and swayed looking 
carefully at the pretzeled couple. He staggered over to the door 
and knocked.
  The house madam answered seeing his state and firmly stated "Look 
we don't cater to anyone under the influence of the devil's medicine..."
  The drunk interupted "Look lady I don't want any of yer shervishes, 
I just wanted to let ya know that your sign fell down.



  A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE 
OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES." 
  He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on 
without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says, 
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes that 
these signs are for real. 
  When he drives past a third sign saying, "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his curiosity gets the best of him and he 
pulls into the drive. 
  On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with 
a small sign next to the door reading, "SISTERS OF MERCY." He climbs 
the steps and rings the bell.
  The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What
may we do for you, my son?"
  He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."
  "Very well, my son. Please follow me." 
  He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."
  He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a 
long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50
in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this 
hallway."
  He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. 
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it 
shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back 
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
  GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY. 



  A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is 
about to have a heart transplant.  She's worried about the friend
so she talks to the doctor.
  "I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the
organ?"
  "Well," replied the doctor, "she's 36 years old and healthy.  
How long has she been in the business?"
  "She's been a prostitute since she was 19 years old but what 
does that have to do with anything?", asked the friend.
  The doctor answered, "Well, she's been working 17 years and 
hasn't rejected an organ yet!"



  Back in the Good Old Days, when Geoff Cross was whooping it up 
in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of 
enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have 
a drink. 
  Geoff said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
  After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.
  Geoff smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it 
a whirl."
  Later, she suggested that they go up to her room.
  "I'm no Cary Grant, "replied Geoff, "but I'll follow you up there."
  They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink,
then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
  Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"
  Geoff shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"



  One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were 
walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed
and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.
  One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00
to spend the night with that woman."
  Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, 
turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that."
  She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding
his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to 
her apartment.
  The following morning the man presented her with $25.00 as he 
prepared to leave.  She demanded the rest of the money, stating:
"If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it."
  He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
  The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering 
his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.  He hurried to 
his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
  His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you 
on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will
be presented."
  After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the 
court as follows:
  "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of 
property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,
which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified 
length of time for the sum of $50.00.  The defendant took possession 
of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was 
rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half
the amount agreed upon.  The rent was not excessive, since it is 
restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the 
defendant to assure payment of the balance."
  The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his 
opponent had presented the case.  His defense, therefore, was somewhat 
different from the way he originally planned to present it.
  "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine 
piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a 
degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.  However, my 
client found a well on the property around which he placed his own
stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed 
personally by him.  We claim these improvements to the property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was 
adequately compensated for rental of said property.  We, therefore,
ask that judgement not be granted."
  The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client 
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However,
had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never 
have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the 
defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the 
pump with him.  In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment 
through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was 
prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to 
others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted."
  And it was. She won the case...



  A Texan walked into a whorehouse in Anchorage and asked, "Do you 
have a girl here from Texas named Arlene?"
  "Sure do," said the madam. "Go on up to Room 6."
  The Texan went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the 
woman answered it, he asked "Are you Arlene from Texas?"
  "I sure am," she replied.
  "Well, I got two hundred dollars," he proudly said.
  The hooker grabbed him by the shirt and drug him into the room.
After they had thrashed around on the mattress for a half an hour,
the Texan got up to leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked.
  "Sure," Arlene said, "I'll be here."
  The next night, the Texan comes back and goes up to Room 6. 
Another two hundred dollars, another hour of horizontal aerobics. 
When they were done, the Texan was sitting on the side of the bed 
and asks, "Will you be here tomorrow night?"
  "Honey," she said, "I'll be here every night for you."
  The next night, the Texan comes back again. Same thing: two 
hundred dollars, the best sex of his life. When they were done, 
they were both sitting on the edge of the bed.
  "Say," Arlene said, "what part of Texas you from?"
  "I'm from Dallas," the Texan says, with a big grin.
  "Well, I got a sister in Dallas!" the hooker cries.
  "I know it," the Texan says, "and she gave me six hundred dollars
to give to you!"



  A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter 
asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what 
was available...
  Lady - "On the first floor, we have the ex-models...they are 
all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our 
ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third
floor, we have all of our ex-teachers....they..."
  Man - "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor!"
  Lady- "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer 
ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses..."
  Man- "It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a 
thing over and over again... until you're perfect at it!!"



  A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired 
after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room.  As 
the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees 
a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. 
  He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. 
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
  "Fancy meeting my `wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess 
I'll need a double room for the night." 
  Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount
to be over $3000.
  "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only
been here one night!" 
  "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks." 



  3 little old men went to the whorehouse.  They told the madam they 
wanted 3 girls, but they wanted 3 cups of hot chocolate first. They
were drinking the chocolate when the madam asked, "Are you ready for
the 3 girls yet?"
  One man said, "Only bring 2, my friend has burned his tongue."



  An old man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel,
as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam,
he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. 
  After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and 
hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?"
  She replies, "About three nots."
  He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"
  She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting 
your money back!"



  While in the back of a police car, one of the policemen asks a 
couple of prostitutes, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz 
before?"
  One of them replied, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
  


  An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function 
and was in animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing
a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing.  It was 
only a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that 
his wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching
him with a steely glare.
  Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young 
lady over there and I were just indulging in a purely professional
consultation."
  "So I can well imagine." said his wife icily, "but was it your 
profession, or hers?"



  A newlywed couple were having rough financial times so the husband
said "honey, we have no choice. In order for us to have this roof 
over our heads and to eat, you'll have to sell yourself until we get
our heads above water. Don't worry, I'll be in the next room so you 
won't get hurt."
  The wife said: "OK honey, but how much do I charge?"
  Her husband replied "$25 for a handjob, $50 for a blowjob, and 
$100 for sex." 
  About an hour a knock later, the first customer came to the door. 
This man was gorgeous, athletically built, beautiful smile, 
glimmering eyes - a total knockout. She took him to the bedroom and
gave him the price structure. 
  The customer said, "let's start with the handjob, here's $25".
  The wife finished that and he said, "let's continue with the blow
job, here's $50".
  After that, the wife said, would you please excuse me for a minute?
  She went to the next room and whispered desperately to her husband,
"Honey give me $25!" 

 

  A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone 
that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes 
him aside and asks what is wrong.
  "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the 
first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on 
the pillow without thinking."
  "Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend,
"I'm sure  your wife will get over it soon enough.  She can't expect
you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
  The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over 
it though, she gave me $20 change!"  




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