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A man was seeing his doctor. the doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphillis." "Jeez! What could possibly be good news." "She didn't get it from you." A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhoea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet." The lady walks in a fish market and asks the owner, "How much are your crabs?" The owner scratched his head and said, "They're about $1.00 a piece" "My, my...," beamed the woman. "Shake hands with a millionaire!" "I have a friend who thinks he may have a venereal disease," said the embarrassed young man to his doctor. "Well," replied the physician, "take him out and let's have a look at him." Here is a list of four items. Identify which doesn't belong with the others: a. Herpes b. Syphilis c. AIDS d. A lawyer ANSWER: Syphilis. It's the only one you can get rid of. Why do crabs have bags under their eyes? Because they only sleep in snatches. Whats worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ. There are two crabs on the beach and one of them is crying. The other one asks what's wrong and the crab replies, "I think I've got peoples." What's the difference between herpes and mononucleosis? Well, mono, you get from snatching a kiss... What's the best question to use to ensure safe sex? "What time does your husband get home?" What's the new venereal disease that only affects foot fetishists? Athlete's tongue. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection. A quarter-pounder with cheese. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury doughboy? A redhead with a yeast infection. What's the name of the new film about V.D. that they're showing to 1st graders??? See Dick Run. (No word on whether it's a pop-up book) What would you call a stewardess with the clap? An aircraft carrier. What so you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Roll-aids! What is the miracle of aids??? It turns fruits into vegetables!! Poster in a bar: "Have you discussed AIDS with your partner?" Under which some wit has written "No, but I've communicated it." Did you hear about the latest new AIDS prevention drug? Its called 'Trinoasitol'. This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks, "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank God! I don't want to get that again!" What is the first warning sign of AIDS? A pounding sensation in your ass. AIDS indeed can be transmitted via toilet seats. It most frequently occurs when one sits down on one before the previous guy gets up! It seems that the whale died of AIDS. Two years earlier it was rear-ended by a ferry. Definitions of AIDS?: 1) Adios, Infected Dick Sucker 2) Anal Intercourse with a Dirty Stick 3) Acquired Immune Defiency Syndrome Hear the new Beach Boys song for AIDS patients. "We had fun fun fun, 'till Daddy took the T-Cells Away" Why don't civil servants ever contract AIDS? They never get off their asses. What's worse than having your doctor telling you that you've got AIDS? Having your mom tell you. Why are they thinking of changing the name AIDS? Because too many welfare people were applying for it! What does "gay" stand for?? Got AIDS yet? Have you heard about the new disease going around that only men get? Its called lack-of-nooki. To cure the above disease you must find a girl with the new disease: slipadictome. What is the fourth biggest lie? "It's only a cold sore." What do you get when you cross an achey-breaky heart with a yeast infection? An itchy-twitchy twat. What's worst than your doctor telling you've got VD? Your dentist telling you. How can you tell if a whore has really bad VD? You can't tell her clit from the cankers. What do you call the person with aids and herpes? An incurable romantic. What's the difference between love and herpes? Herpes lasts forever. How does herpes get out of the hospital? On crotches. Whats green and eats nuts Gonorrhea This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl." "You got a last name, Earl?" "Nope. It's a long story, Officer." "I got time." Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl." A salesman is driving down a country road one day when his car broke down. There was a farm near by, so he went up to ask for some help. The farmer suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him a ride into town to get the necessary parts for his car. Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome of virginal beauty. Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town when he convinced her to pull over to the side of the road to enlighten her about the facts of life. They had some down and dirty sex all over the car, and then went into town to get the car parts. By the time they got into town, the auto store was closed, so they had to return to the farm. The farmer allowed the salesman to spend the night in the barn and get his car fixed in the morning. The next morning the salesman went up to the farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a ride into town. Nelly was gone, however, and her sister Venus opened the door. Venus was very unlike Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a bit sleazy. Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into town, and off they went. Venus did the convincing this time, and the salesman had the "ride" of his life. They eventually made it back to the farm with the parts, and the salesman fixed his car. He thanked the farmer, left his address to they could keep in touch in the future, and went on his merry way. A few months later the salesman received a later from the farmer which contained only a poem: Were you the one who did the pushin' Left the bloodstains on the cushion And the footprints on the dashboard upside down? Cause since you met my daughter Nelly, There's a swelling in her belly, And you'd better get your ass back into town. The salesman thought for a minute, and wrote the following response: Yes, I was the one who did the pushin' Left the bloodstains on the cushion And the footprints on the dashboard upside down. But since I met your daughter Venus, I've had some problems with my penis, So I guess we're pretty even all around. Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty-year old daughter had hitch-hiked, all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington. "For Gods sake!", he screamed, "someone could have attacked you and raped you!!!" "I wasn't ever in danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down, "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because that's where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases." One day a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks, "Can I help you son?" He replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night." She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200. To which she says, "She'll be waiting for you up stairs." The boy says, "But shes got to have active Herpies." The Madam replies, "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200. The Madam says, "OK,she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins". So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face and still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, "Why did you come in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpies?". "Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I fuck the baby-sitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, fuck my mother and he'll get it. AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG!" Reminds me of a science fiction story I read somewhere about an invasion by "evil space men" but rather than destroy us with huge ufo's and laser beams they simply introduced a virulent disease which was so alien to our human metabolism that we had no immunity and everyone died! AIDS...Alien Invasion Disease'S This guy goes to the doctor because he feels horrible. They do a bunch of tests and the doc says, "I have some bad news.... you have syphyllis, leprosy, and AIDS". The dude says, "Oh god...what can you do?" "Not much, you'll have to stay in the hospital...and we'll put you on a diet of flounder, pizza, and pancakes" "What's that going to do to save me"? "Nothing, but those are the only foods we can slide under the door". Two privates in the Army have served a long tour when they are finally promoted to corporal. They decide to celebrate by getting drunk, as is the custom for just about any achievement in the military. Once at their favorite drinking establishment, the one new corp., call him Billy Joe, spots a fine looking barfly and his asks his friend, call him Jim Bob, to go find out about her. That is, to make sure she will be okay to have sex with. So, Jim Bob goes and talks to her, disappears for a minute then comes back and tells Billy Joe that she checked out just fine. Well, Billy Joe makes his move and ends up taking her home. The next day Billy Joe is feeling poorly and goes to the local clinic where he finds out he has the clap. Furious, he calls his friend Jim Bob. Billy Joe: "Jim Bob why did you tell that girl was okay when you knew she had the clap?" Jim Bob: "Well, I didn't think it would hurt you none." Billy Joe: "Why the hell did you think THAT?" Jim Bob: "Well,..I didn't 'zactly know what the clap was. So I went and asked someone and they told me it was a disease affecting the privates, and we ain't privates no more!!!" A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone." A downcast looking guy is sitting in a nearly empty saloon, getting progressively more and more drunk. While pouring him the next one, the bartender asks, "Hey pal, you look kinda down. Wanna talk about it?" "Boy, you got that right!" comes the hang-dog reply. "My wife called me at work today while she was on her way home from the doctor's office. She's got some horrible disease, but because her cell-phone connection was so bad, I couldn't tell if it was Alzheimer's or AIDS." "Geez, that's rough," replied the bartender. "What are you gonna do?" "That's just it...I don't know. How can I? I don't even know what she's got!" Thinking a bit, the bartender replies, "Well, if it was me, I'd take her to the zoo and leave her there." Outraged, the man shouts, "The zoo! Man, you're cold! This is my _wife_ we're talking here! I can't do that!" "No, no, you don't understand...I'm trying to help. Take her to the zoo and leave her there. If she finds her way home... don't sleep with her." |
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