Virgin Jokes

Virgin Jokes



  A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been 
married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled in 
to the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to 
her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle.  I am still 
a virgin."
  This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he
thought that at least one of her husbands would have been 
able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the 
phenomenon.

She responded:
  "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the
entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it 
was going to be."
  "My second husband was from Software Services; he was never 
quite sure how it was supposed to function but he promised he 
would send me documentation."
  "My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly 
said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get 
the system up."
  "My fourth husband was from Educational Services and you 
know the old saying - Those who CAN DO, DO; those who can't 
teach".
  "My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. 
He knew he had the order but he wasn't quite sure when he was 
going to be able to deliver."
  "My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he 
understood the basic process but needed three years to 
research, design and implement a new state-of-the-art method."
  "My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He 
knew how but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
  "My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and he 
told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations 
weren't clear on how to do it."
  "My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had 
the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."
  "My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to 
do was talk about it."
  "My eleventh husband was a gynecologist and all he ever 
wanted to do was look at it."
  "My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever .. 
[deep sigh]. God I miss him!"
  "So now I've married you and I'm really excited."
  "Why is that?", asked her husband.
  "Well it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!!! I just know 
I'm going to get screwed this time!"

 

  The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when 
a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to 
marry a virgin? 
  To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism." 



  The popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, 
looked around, then approached the clerk.
  "Do you have any, like, really, really, special birthday cards?" 
she asked.
  "Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one
inscribed, 'To the Boy Who Got My Cherry.'"
  "Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."



  There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night 
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... 
I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" 
  Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry 
about you." 
  10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...11 o'clock...
12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1:00 AM the front door flys open. 
In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. 
  Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" 
  No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her 
panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between 
her legs looking at herself. 
  "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. 
  "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came 
out. When I find the other 5 you're gonna have the time of your life! 



What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!



  Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor
and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee
thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
  The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can 
try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, 
take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your 
husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your 
virginity snapping."
  The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will fall 
for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the 
honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, 
slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs 
into bed with her man.
  Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in," and she snaps 
the elastic band.
  The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"
  The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
snapping."
  The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!" 

 

  On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded 
by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to 
get any shoes. Panic!!
  Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from 
her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately 
they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over 
Sophie's feet were agony.
  When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she
could think of was getting her shoes off.
  The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and 
they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and 
the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, 
'God, that was tight.'
  'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
  Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for
the other one.'
  Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
  'My God. That was even tighter.'
  'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'


 
  A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about 
the impending night; but neither is willing to admit it, or to ask 
the other about it. Wondering what to do, the young man calls his 
father.
  "Pop, what do I do first?"
  "Get naked and climb into bed," His father replies.
  So, the young man does as he is advised.
  The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
  "Get naked and join him!" Is the advice from mama; so she complies.
  After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself
and calls his dad again.
  "What do I do?  What do I do?" he demands.
  "Look at her naked body, then take the hardest part of your body 
and put it where she pees!" Is the dad's advice.
  A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do 
now?" she asks, frantically.
  "Well, what is he doing?"
  "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"



What is the simularity between a female virgin and a hemofeliac?
One prick and It's all over!



Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.



  Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night,
so he decided to seek the advice of his friend John, who was quite the 
local Romeo.
  "Just relax, Bob," counselled John. "After all, you grew up on a farm,
just do like the dogs do." 
  Right after the honeymoon the bride stormed over to her mother's house
in tears and announced that she wasn't going to live under the same roof
as Bob for even one more night.
  "He's totally disgusting!" she wailed.
  At first Bob's bride resisted her mother's attempts to find out the 
exact nature of the problem, but finally she broke down.
  "Ma, he doesn't know anything at all about how to be romantic, how to 
make love...he just keeps smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!"



  A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting university.
  "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity 
last weekend."
  "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
  "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
  "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really
sore."



  There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time
and  she told her grandmother about it. 
  Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young 
boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but 
don't let him do that. She continued, "He is going to try to feel your 
breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is 
going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like 
that, but don't let him do that. 
  Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try
to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like 
that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." 
  With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date 
and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. 
  The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the 
old lady said.
  She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."



  The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that
were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves
of passion nearby.  
  One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, 
"Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"
  Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course
you are!" she said.  "And also the best too.  I don't know why you men
always ask the same old ridiculous questions."



  In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she 
was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days 
were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted 
the following inscription on her tombstone:
  "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
  Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker 
told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, 
but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription 
to be unnecessarily long.
  They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"



Entry in young woman's diary:

Monday:
  Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried 
to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away.
My legs are still my best friends.

Tuesday:
  Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried 
to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked 
away. My legs are still my best friends.

Wednesday:
  Went out with Jack tonight. I like Jack. We were in his car 
and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk 
away. Even the best of friends must part!




A GUIDE TO LOVE AND SEX FOR VIRGINS

  As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many 
questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive 
and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth 
explains everything you've ever wondered about.

 Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
 A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a
    different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act
    and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
    you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's
    right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer
    and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television.
    Pick a man that looks interesting it's best to stay away from the
    shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles.
    Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser,
    possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy
    him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you
    from there.

 Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
 A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you
    try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

 Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
 A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's
    up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach
    men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
    with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
    even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

 Q: What if a man's married ?
 A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable 
    experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any
    sort of commitment.

 Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
 A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself
    pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says
    his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her,
    believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge
    that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about
    such important matters.

 Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
 A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
    to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
    they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

 Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
 A: YES. Before if possible.
 
 Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
 A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
    is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
    however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem 
    strange to you. Do them anyway.

 Q: How long should the sex act last ?
 A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed
    or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have
    a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends
    to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with 
    his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of
    alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't
    feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his
    laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy 
    him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

 Q: What is "afterplay" ?
 A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
    energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you 
    to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
    making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving
    him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

 Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
 A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is  
    important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect
    male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that
    is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is
    seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank 
    your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as
    doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive
    gift.

 Q: What about the orgasm ?
 A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
 
 Q: Are you sure ?
 A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experienced
    men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend
    by going out and buying him an expensive gift.


 


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