|
"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction." --General Douglas MacArthur The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest...and on, and on. One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes, I have General, but with a daffodil?" The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?" "Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves..." A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off. "Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in the Pentagon," he quietly responded. Why is being in the military like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. The unit cook was asked: "Say, you've got, Bowson, rabbit meat hash for dinner today?" "Yes." "What's the proportion?" "In strict accordance with the cooking manual (military messing), fifty-fifty - one rabbit and one horse." A lieutenant was out walking one day, and came upon a little boy, playing with a pile of shit. "Son, what are you doing?" asked the lieutenant. "I'm building an NCO," said the boy. The lieutenant, thinking this was quite funny, returned with his captain, and asked the same question. Again, the boy replied that he was building an NCO. The captain, also thinking it was funny, went back to the company area, and brought the first sergeant out. Again the question was asked, and the reply was the same. The first sergeant then asked the boy why he was building an NCO. The boy replied "Because I don't have enough shit to make an officer." A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica with an included letter saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling!" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica." An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!" "Yes sir, b.. b.. but they were broken....... in an accident," stammered the private. "Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?" "No, no nothing of those..." said the private. "Well then, what is it?" "I'd rather not tell you sir..." "Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private. "Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?" "You see Sir...... she crossed her legs." WIRE SERVICES REPORT: (WASHINGTON, DC) In keeping with the spirit of Goldwater-Nichols and numerous other laws and policies, the Office of the SecDef has announced new rules for next year's Army-Navy game: 1. The game will be flag football. This decision followed a high- level risk assessment and force protection review. Touch football was considered and rejected. (see rule 4). 2. Neither team will be allowed to attempt a pass beyond 15 yards. This rule follows a protest from the Department of the Air Force concerning their proponency for Deep Attack Operations. 3. Navy running backs must be in the Marine Corps option. The SecDef considered a request from the Army to forbid Navy ground operations. He rejected the request because Philadelphia is clearly in the littoral claimed by the Marines. 4. 50% of each team must be female. However, the Army team may not use females on the offensive or defensive lines. A senior officer, nameless, stated that the American people are not yet ready to see females "in the trenches." He is being investigated. 5. The Navy may not use "Tailbacks" as the term is too sensitive and is to be avoided. 6. The SecDef's office also announced plans to form a high level commission to study the possibility of conducting future games using computer simulation or contracting the game to civilian teams. This reporter was told these changes would yield significant savings. 7. Both coaches were ordered by the Joint Staff to use the exact same game plan. The joint task force which was charged to come up with a game plan, was appointed by the Joint Staff, and consisted of eight Army officers, who all came prepared with thick playbooks, one Navy officer, who didn't know there was a game, and an Air Force officer who didn't show up. To his horror, when the Navy officer scratched at the "joint" playbook cover, which was purple, he found a green cover to FM 100-5. Inside, every offensive play was a hand-off to the fullback, up the middle. This was decided since an appeal to the NCAA was turned down for the offense to have a 5-1 advantage and the defense to wear blindfolds. In spite of these setbacks, they were extremely well thought-ut, up the middle plays that took into account all proper elements of force planning, logistics, etc. 8. The Navy decided not to actually play on the field, feeling that its imposing presence on the sidelines would make the Army quail immediately. Meanwhile, the Army stayed on their sidelines, still waiting for the officials to agree that they 1) were taking the field for vital interests, 2) they really wanted to win, 3) had unambiguous, achievable football goals, 4) had less than a 1 in 1000 chance of losing, 5) that there was no other peaceful alternative for deciding the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy, and 6) had complete popular support. 9. Because of the impasse, the only performing mascot in the NCAA, the Air Force falcon, did an aerial display that wowed the crowd. The crowd and the TV viewing audience was so impressed that the NCAA decided to buy 440 more highly advanced falcons (that number was cut to 30 later) that could do cool acrobatics just like that, although the only ordnance it could deliver was digested mouse pieces, which didn't have much effect on the game. It could drop them directly into the face mask, however, the thought of which bothered both quarterbacks. The two teams on the sidelines ground their teeth in frustration, wondering how those Air Force guys could get away with stuff like that. 10. Finally, the two teams decided they'd better play, since the AF had held the Commander-in-Chief's trophy for so many years, that if the REAL warriors didn't claim the title, that the SecDef might go and do something really stupid like make an Air Force general a theater CINC. Thinking the unthinkable made them rush to the field and take the strain with renewed vigor, Brent Musberger did the play-by-play, and there was joy in Mudville. When I was in Germany, I taught for one of the American universities that had a program for the soldiers and their families. We had only ten students to start, and when Desert Storm kicked in, the class dropped to three. One soldier who did NOT get deployed remained in the class; the other two were family members of soldiers. One day my curiosity got the better of me, and I asked him why he hadn't had to go. He said simply, "I'm an MP. I have to stay here because I'm in charge of juveniles and adultery." |
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the
front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill.
I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the
women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you
look fat in those uniforms"
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line
of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a
hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal.
You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said
whorehouses!"
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor
realised that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party
was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was
discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base
and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb,
and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued
me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull
all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I
wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that
SIR."
The following is supposedly from the US Government Peace Corps
Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells
what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda
is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa
constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs
between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what
the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is
faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides,
your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you
from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow
your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must
lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little
movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently
slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of
its mouth and your leg. then suddenly rip upwards, severing the
snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
While attending US Army's Airborne School a day before our first
jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes, students are called
'Airborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might
encounter. After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute
fails to deploy, one of the students asked: "SGT Airborne, if we
have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy
our reserve parachutes?"
"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"
During the 60's, when the draft law could induct most young men
into military service, the announcement was made that very few (if
any) married men would be drafted, war or not. One Army recruiting
office fought back by posting a sign: "Better two years than life".
Enlistment officer to recruit: "And another advantage in making
a career of the Army is that you avoid the constant worry of being
called-up into the service."
The instructor in a basic-training course asked a recruit what
he would do if he saw a figure crawling toward his post while on
assigned guard duty.
"Why, I'd help the Officer to his quarters." said the recruit.
Modern warfare is a complicated business, but during the Civil War
things were much simpler. An Arkansas Colonel, with no real formal
military training, had his own method of command for his cavalry
troop. For example, to get the men on their horses: His first
command was: "Prepare to git on your critters."
This was closely followed by: "Git !"
During the Vietnam war in the US, feelings ran high both for and
against the war. In one school district, all fifth graders were
assigned to write a letter to "Any Marine, Vietnam".
When the hundreds of letters were delivered, one Marine opened
his and found the salutation: "Dear War Victim".
A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase in
their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the
Station where he was based were so high. She received the following
letter back:
"Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to
a maximum of three. If the birth of a child will mean your husband
is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him to take the
necessary action."
For those of you never in the military, it seems all branches try
to reduce any/all situations to writing. According to the US Navy,
"Classified material shall be considered lost when it cannot be
located."
A group of US Navy officers, assigned as an advisory group in
Taiwan, were searching for a name for their new officer's club.
They finally settled on "TAI-WAN-ON".
On patrol, the Officer of the Deck asked the starboard lookout
what he would do if a man fell overboard.
"I would shout 'Man overboard'." the sailor replied.
The OD then asked what he would do if an officer fell overboard.
The sailor paused and thought, then said, "Which one Sir?"
A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the
South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser. All
the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a
blinker-light message to the Aussies: "You are beautiful."
Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back:
"I'll bet you say that to all the ships."
This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on
his wife. She was back home in the states. She found out about it
through some anonymous letters.
The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds inside a batch
of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite stateside TV shows.
He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They're all
having a great time eating the cookies and watching episodes of "South
Park".
Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a home
video of the soldier's wife, on her knees, giving the soldier's best
friend oral sex.
After a few seconds, the best friend "does his business" and she
turns, on camera, and spits it right into...a mixing bowl of cookie
dough. The wife then looks right into the camera and says, "I want
a divorce."
Now THAT'S a "Dear John" letter.
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part
of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines,
the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked "If we do happen
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South
Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind
the counter looked glum. After I gave him my order, he asked me
how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said
cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and
handed it back to me.
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy
territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number
from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers
went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and
G-strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause
went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to
quieten down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked.
The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the
roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the
dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping
this time?"
She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap
with one hand?!!?"
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defences were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defences we've carefully made.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
Good Old Uncle Sam's Boys in Uniform! The Military
* A lot of people wonder how they came up with the design for the
military's camouflage outfits. Easy -- they patterned it after
Army and Marine food.
* If you think I'm kidding about the food, ask anyone who's ever
been in the Marines or the Army. About the worst punishment you
could be given while in Boot Camp was "seconds" at the Mess Hall.
* Those camouflage outfits are pretty effective though. One solider
fainted while in formation and they couldn't find him for 2 days.
* One recruit found that all of the uniforms he was issued fit him
perfectly. He began to worry that he was deformed.
* Pity the French solider who wins their Croix de Guerre these days.
With AIDS everywhere, they can't find a General who'll make the
award and kiss the solider during the ceremony.
* If you think it's really true that "old soldiers fade away" ask
any of them to put on their old Army uniforms.
* The Marine aboard ship was beyond seasick. A Navy Corpsman
said, "Can I get you something ?"
The young Marine replied, "How about an island?"
* During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was
falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me
say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
"I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that
when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die
just so you can spit on my grave."
"Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army,
I never want to stand in line again."
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram
that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and
send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all
the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report
to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some
papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother
died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with,
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died.
You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be
more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall
in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward."
"NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
A MILITARY TALE
Remember "heads and beds" when the XO comes down to berthing and
looks around with flashlight and little mirror?
Ours was a real SOB, always finding that one little ghost turd way
up under one of the racks, or some green stuff that has been growing
on the plumbing for years, but he just noticed it this morning. So I
had one guy spend all morning cleaning one toilet . . . I want this
thing clean enough to eat off of.
Then I got about a pound of peanut butter from the galley and
spread it up under the lip of the bowl.
The XO comes down with his mirror, finds his ghost turd in berthing
and continues on into the head. He gets about half way through the
inspection, and sees all this brown shit in his little mirror. He
exploded.
I reached in, got a finger full. "HMMM, sir, looks like one of the
guys is sick." Then I smelled it. "Yessir, Petty Officer Jones has
diarrhea, sir."
The old man lost his cookies. He never did bring his little mirror
back into our berthing compartment, either.
During World War II, an American destroyer docked in London.
A certain well-to-do British widow heard of this and sent a
fancy invitation to the ship.
"Tea and luncheon for the captain and twelve of his men, Sunday
at noon at Hampton Terrace Court. No Jews, please."
That Sunday at noon, precisely on time, twelve U.S. Navy sailors
appeared at Hampton Terrace Court. The widow's jaw dropped - every
single one of them was black.
She stammered, "Th-th-there must be some mistake."
"No, ma'am," replied one of the men. "Captain Cohen never makes
a mistake."
South Africa, 1885. Coupla days before Rorkes Drift. 100 British
soldiers were surrounded by 100,000 Zulus. It's been a long hot day
and dusk is falling.
General Lord Upper-Class-Chinless-Wonder turns to his batman.
"Corporal, it's too quiet. The natives are up to something and our
relieving forces are still 2 days away".
Right on queue the sound of a chant, gradually rising, can be
heard. Slowly but surely it reaches a deafening intensity. 100,000
Zulus all belting out their challenge - the prelude to battle.
Just as the soldiers think they can stand it no more the chanting
ceases completely. Absolute silence. Almost audible in itself now
the Zulus are hushed. The sound of war drums starts and gathers
pace gradually until it is all around the defenders.
Once again the General turns to his loyal servant "Smith, I don't
like the sound of those drums".
At which point all goes quiet and a Zulu pops up from behind bush
not 50 yards distant - "He's not our regular drummer".
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he
wanted a pair of genuine alligator boots in the worst way, but was
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out
and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of boots made at a
reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run
into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same
thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours
later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought,
"those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about."
Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly
underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck
with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort.
Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.
Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any
boots either!"
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1.
[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Lt. [_] Gen.
[_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ............... Initial: .. Last Name: ...............
Code Name: .............. Password: ........ (max 8 char)
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: .... .... ....
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19../../..
4. Serial Number: ..............................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift/aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Speed/maneuverability
[_] Price/value
[_] Comfort/convenience
[_] Kickback/bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] Iraq
[_] North America
[_] Central/South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia/Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Classified
9. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist/Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive/Tribal
10. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales/marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister/General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
11. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating/sailing
[_] Running/jogging
[_] Sabotage
[_] Propaganda/disinformation
[_] Destabilization/overthrow
[_] Black market/smuggling
[_] Collectibles/collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Interrogation/torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage/reconnaissance
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
[_] Fashion clothing
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to
win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and
tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential
problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first
question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, look's like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.
How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is
not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the
Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the
Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officers, "Do we have enough Jews?
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air... "Are there any
friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear,"
and then another voice... "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone
and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around
on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about
ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
There is a large U.S. Air National Guard base at Niagara Falls, NY.
They have both the latest in fighter jets and also those lumbering
jet transports that haul both tanks and troops to war areas. The
commanding officer took one of the F-16s on a military trip to Texas.
While crossing Pennsylvania, from my memory, the following
transmissions took place.
Air National Guard, this is Pittsburgh tower, increase height to
beyond 33 (thousand feet)
Why is that necessary tower?
You are on a collision course with another aircraft, sir.
This is Lt.-General Whatever-his-name-was, tell the other aircraft
to divert.
This is Pittsburgh tower, request you tell him yourself, sir.
It's Air Force One.
The Lt.-Gen. was forced to retire over the incident, which was
covered in depth by the Buffalo Evening News at the time. They ran
a picture of his retirement party where he was presented with a
model of Air Force One by his fellow officers.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left
of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine,
the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
You might be in the army if...
-when "dig in and do the work" really means DIG.
-when "We are in this togather" means you go first.
-when "We will Win easily" means you go first.
-when "understrenth enemy" means you go first.
-when "Victory is near" means you go first.
-when "Rations have arrived" you go last.
-you think it is perfectly normal to jump out of an airplane at
800 ft. at 2 in the morning
-you say to your wife "what's for chow" or "honey that was real
good chow"
-any kids in your neighborhood wear a beret when they go out to play
-edge the sidewalk in front of your house with an E-Tool
-your nicest set of clothes is your "Class A's"
-you cut the grass in a set of jungle boots, Army PT shirt,
and cut off BDUs.
-you dread someone saying "I'm from the IG and I'm help."
-you place sector stakes on the front porch.
-when camping, your family must dig a defelade for your RV.
-your kids must clear housing when they leave for college.
-your baby's first words are "All ok, Jumpmaster!"
-your kids must perform ten pull-ups before entering the dining room.
-your wife's favorite lipstick colors are loam and light green.
-your car is held together by 550 cord.
-you refer to your son as Boy, Steven Type, 1 Each.
-all of your kids sentences contain at least 7 F words.
A tough Army sergeant, trying to discover how much a new group of
trainees had learned, demanded of one young recruit, "Soldier, tell
me the first thing you do when you clean your rifle."
"I check the serial number stamped on it," responded the soldier.
"The serial number?!" snapped the NCO. "Why in the name of General
Powell do you check the serial number?"
"Because," the recruit replied, "I don't ever want to catch myself
cleaning someone else's rifle."
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when
they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented
arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
A sailor who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be
reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message
a few days before his ship was due back in port.
"I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you.
I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to
bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so
we can do "it" as soon as I step ashore."
The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a
reply. "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you
had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am
not checking I.D. cards."
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52
and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls
around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
During our Army Reserve unit's annual training at Fort Ord,
Calif., our battalion commander was upset that evening chow was
late. He called the mess hall, and the mass sergeant explained
that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the
field rations to our bivouac site.
The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive
to the mess hall and get chow!"
The private took off on the 15-minute trip. Over an hour later,
we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed.
"Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?"
"It was delicious, sir." replied the driver. "I got there right
before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds."
The Commandments of Operational Security
I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth
the rain of steel.
II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth
unwanted guests to chow.
III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye
them red.
IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies'
eyes are upon thee.
V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth
not in yon wood.
VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear
as a star in the East.
VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare
telleth thine enemy thy location.
VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not
in yon desert.
IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth
pretty pictures.
X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies
maketh war not on bushes.
XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like
tent draped in net.
XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy commo, for they pointeth to
thee.
XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will
finish you all.
XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy
presence.
XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies
are listening.
A soldier received a letter from his girlfriend, but he couldn't
show it to his friends because it was signed, "MOTHER" and he wrote
back and asked, "Why did you sign it "MOTHER?"
And this is what she wrote back:
M is for the Many times we had sex.
O is for the Other times we tried.
T is for the Terrific times we had.
H is for the Hotel we went to.
E is for the Easy way it went in.
R is for the Rhythmic sounds we made.
* All together that spells MOTHER and that's what I'll be in a few
months.
He wrote back and said:
F is for the Fucked up letter you wrote.
A is for the Ass that you are.
T is for the Troubled nights you'll have alone.
H is for the Hoe you'll always be.
E is for the Easy way you gave it up.
R is for the Romance we never had.
* All together that spells FATHER and I'll be damned if I
am one.
So here's what I think of your BABY:
B is for the Baby who won't have a father.
A is for the Abortion you better have.
B is for the Bastard child you'll have if you don't.
Y is for the Yes you gave me when you should have said, "NO!"
He signed, "Don't give a damn."
Now she realised she forgot to mention a couple of things in
the first letter. So she wrote back:
B is for the Bastard you'll always be.
E is for the Eating you did.
S is for the Sucker that you are.
T is for the Tough time it took getting it hard.
F is for the Funny looking dick you have.
R is for the Rash you have around your mouth.
I is for the Intercourse that was weak.
E is for the Energy you didn't have in bed.
N is for the Nasty asshole you are.
D is for the Dog you will always be.
* All together that spells BEST FRIEND whom I've been fuckin'
while you were gone.
|
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon
discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every
few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's
nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"
The reply is, "l got this in the war."
Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in
his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and
even kicks Fred a few times.
So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"
Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."
Fred moves.
The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his
left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."
His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. l can't get it off
of my hand."
The military base was located far from "civilization," so the
troops were forced to entertain themselves. One of the more
popular pastimes was playing cards. Large groups of soldiers met
regularly to play bridge, poker and gin rummy, but the most popular
game by far was hearts.
It happened that a few of the non-commissioned officers weren't
well liked by the troops. One in particular was unanimously hated
and, as a result, was never invited to play in any soldier card
games. One foggy winter's eve, the NCO complained to his commanding
officer, who put a stop to the whole business by posting this notice:
SGT PEPPER'S LONELY. HEARTS CLUB BANNED.
A friend of mine just inherited a warehouse zoned M1 right next
to the Kirtland Air Force Base here in Albuquerque. He wasn't
quite sure what to do with it.. so we mused as to what we could do
to play on the paranoia of the US Government. Here's the list we
came up with:
1. Put a huge parabolic dish on the top pointed straight at the base
2. Surround the property with razor wire
3. Tear down the warehouse and put a TufShed in it's place...
4. Lock the shed with electronic keypads and hand/eye/fingerprint
scanners
5. Paint in big bold letters on the side, "DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE"...
6. In six different languages...
7. Followed by "IRS Satellite Field Office"
8. Build undergound tunnels so that many people may leave but no one
is ever observed entering
9. Park a white van ouside equipped with several 100" steel whips and
a large power transformer sticking out the back
10. Put a magnetic sign on the side "Khalib's Diaper Service"
11. Change it every other day to signs such as "Pizza Hut", "Flowers
By Irene", or "Witness Relocation Program Courtesy Van"
12. Indicate the presence of land mines
13. Put car dealership flags up...
14. On flagpoles that look surprisingly like antennas
15. Have Chinese food delivered 22 times a day
16. At night make strange noises. Blame it on the Taos hum
17. Request an OC48 line for "Statistical Analysis of Porn Downloads"
18. When anyone inquires about the property claim "Diplomatic
immunity"
Rising D.C. Pizza Index indicates war
WASHINGTON - The pizza index indicates military action is imminent
in the gulf, a Domino's delivery official said today.
Record numbers of late-night pizza deliveries have been made to
the White House, Pentagon and State Department, said Frank Meeks,
owner of several Washington-area Domino's outlets. Similar patterns
came immediately before the invasions of Panama and Grenada, he said.
The record for late-night deliveries to CIA headquarters came the
night before Iraq invaded Kuwait last August, Meeks said.
Two lions escaped from a zoo near Washington, D.C., and took off
in separate directions. Weeks later they ran into each other in
the middle of the night.
"I'm having a terrible time getting food," the first lion said.
"How have you been getting along?"
"Just fine," the second lion said. "I found a good hiding place
in the Pentagon. I eat one general a week. It'll be years before
they notice that anyone is missing."
The following story comes from the naval safety center commander,
COMNAVSAFECEN, Rear Admiral F.M. DIRREN JR. The incident involved
two civilians employed by the Navy to maintain the grounds of a
naval base.
While he didn't actually climb out on a limb then saw the limb
off behind him, this grounds keeper did the next best thing and got
pretty much the same results. Properly bedecked with all the required
safety gear, our hero leaned his ladder against the offending limb,
then turned to brief his helper on the precise manner in which he
wanted his ladder tended while he performed this delicate surgery.
That completed, he yanked his chainsaw into consciousness, ("BAR-UUM!
BA-DA-BA-DA! BRUUM! BAR-UUM!") and scrambled up the ladder, trailing
oily-blue smoke and noise behind him as he rose.
Once up there, he checked his clearances, made sure there was no
one standing underneath, checked his goggles, checked his gloves,
adjusted his hardhat, checked his ladder-holder one more time, gave
his saw a couple of anticipatory BAR-RUMM! BA-DA-BA'S, then he draped
it across that big old saggy limb and he commenced to wail.
"RA-OOM! RA-OOM! WRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
MY GOODNESS! He laid into that thing with a vengeance and, before
you knew it, a huge piece of that big old limb that had been hanging
down there -- getting in every body's way -- creaked loudly, groaned
some, broke off and crashed gracefully to the ground below. Just,
I must add, as the rest of the branch -- suddenly unburdened of a
great deal of weight -- went "SPROING!" And snapped smartly back to
its previously near-vertical position. Which is to say that it, more
or less, popped itself out from underneath the guy...with the chain
saw...on the ladder. And he found himself, more or less, leaning
against the atmosphere which, at an altitude of twelve feet or so,
offers precious little resistance to guys standing on ladders holding
chainsaws.
Well, the ladder went one way and the tree trimmer went another.
And the ladder-holder? Well, he didn't know which way to go so he
just sort of stood there with his mouth open as the ladder landed
next to him and the tree trimmer landed on top of him.
You know, that ladder holder fits my definition of a true friend --
someone you can always count on to be there for you when you're
looking for a place to crash.
A Prussian cavalry officer on a campaign enters a town for the night
and goes to the local inn to get a meal an lodging. While there he
notices a pretty young lady at a table alone and asks if he can join
her for the dinner she replies that she would enjoy some company.
After a delightful meal and conversation they discuss lodging
arrangements and proceed up the stairs to her room where they, shall we
say, enjoy each other's company. The next morning the Prussian officer
goes to leave and the young lady informs him that it is customary for
some sort of payment to be rendered, to which he replies, "My dear it
is considered unprofessional for a Prussian Calvary officer to accept
payment for such services"
A security review was ordered at an air force training base in
England after a man calling himself Lieut. Looney spent five days
posing there last February as an American naval officer - while
wearing a set of plastic medals and boasting of exploits in Bosnia.
Restaurant doorman Mark Looney, 30, was later questioned by police.
1-800-WE-FUBAR
Situation:
Troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support,
making a phone call and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated artillery
support request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to
assist you with all available resources in the shortest time
possible.
For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.
If you are a member of the enemy country army, we will not be able
to assist you. Please contact your own army's artillery support
request line at 1-800-DIEYANK
If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1.
If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2.
If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3.
If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun,
please press 4.
If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5.
Press the star key * at any time to return to the main menu.
Please select the type of fire mission you would like:
For 81mm mortars, please press 1.
For 105 mm howitzers, please press 2.
For advanced munitions, such as fuel-air explosives or scattering mines,
please press 3.
To speak with one of our soldier advocates, please press 4.
If you would like to request the use of chemical or nuclear weapons,
please press 5 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will
speak with you as soon as possible.
Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike,
followed by the pound sign. Please remember to verify your
coordinates, and remember that your request may take several minutes
to process.
[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]
You have entered coordinates UH323451.
If this is correct, please press 1.
Thank you. Please enter your battalion passcode, followed by the
pound sign #. As soon as we verify your passcode, we will begin
processing your request. If you have forgotten your passcode, please
contact 1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary passcode. Please enter
your passcode now.
[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]
Thank you. [Pause] Your passcode has been verified and your request
will be processed. We strongly suggest that you and your comrades
take cover as soon as possible.
Thank you for using the 26th Division's artillery request support line.
An Nazi decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that
has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots.
The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was
made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks,
and aircraft.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the
last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF
plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once,
and dropped...a large wooden bomb.
I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota.
Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center
that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos.
The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We
were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next
day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the
support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each
boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave.
On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time
and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot
food would be unavailable for a short time.
Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized
that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble
reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders.
We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military
officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen
meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves."
Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she
whispered, "You can DO that?"
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer
for a three-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and
you already want a three-day pass? You must do something spectacular
for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the
Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my
white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the
Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass?'
So we exchanged tanks!"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it
is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday
afternoon."
A sailor was using the urinal just as a Marine Drill Sergeant
walked in. The swabby buttoned his fly and went for the door.
The Sergeant growled after him, "Son, in the Marines they teach
us to wash our hands after we take a piss!"
Without breaking stride, the sailor replied, "In the Navy,
they teach us not to piss on our hands."
U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE
"Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all
of our units are out at the moment or are otherwise engaged. Please
leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region,
the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon
as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K bug,
marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory
'Consideration of Others' training, we will return your call. Please
speak after the tone, or, if you require more options, please listen
to the following:
"If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press '1' for the
United States Marine Corps."
"If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good
hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude
bombing runs, please press '2' for the United States Air Force.
Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours or
on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers
requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide
additional research and development funding."
"If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a
bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band,
please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please
note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be
provided on a first-come, first-served basis."
"If your inquiry is not urgent, please press '3' and your call
will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command.
Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure
you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may
bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why,
as it will be classified."
"If you are in real hot trouble, please press '4' for the Rapid
Deployment Force. Again, as soon as their units get back from the
Balkans, the Persian Gulf, and compulsory 'Consideration of Others'
training, they'll get right on your crisis."
"If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted
at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family
in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work
your ass of daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain,
both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original
benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will
shortly be connected to a bitter, passed-over Army Recruiter in
an old strip mall down by the post office. Have a pleasant day
and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.
Sven went to an auction and bought six septic tanks at a bargain
price. He took them home and stashed them in his back-yard.
His neighbour, Ole, peered over the fence and yelled at him.
"Hey, Sven! Vat you doing vit dem tanks in your back-yard, dere?"
Glancing furtively about him, Sven sidled over to the fence and
whispered in Ole's ear.
"Shhh! Ven ve learn to drive dem tings, ve invade Sveden!"
A Navy Master Chief Petty Officer and an Admiral were both in
the barbershop getting shaved. Once done with the shave, both
barbers reached for aftershave lotion to slap on their customers'
face.
The admiral stated in a loud, indignant voice, "Don't put that
stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The Master Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and
put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like."
Rocket Science
--------------
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist:
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to
launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military
jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British
engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made.
But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the
chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA
the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs
of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
Military Wedding Vows
Dear family and friends, we are gathered here today in the sight of
God and the Department of the Army, to witness this exchange of vows,
and see the love that these two dedicated, loving people have for one
another.
"Wilt thou, __________, take ___________ (who was once referred to
as the "dependent"), as your family member, to dwell together in so
far as the Department of the Army will permit?" "Wilt thou love her,
comfort her, via the postal service or over the phone, make sure she
knows where the commissary, PX, and church are, and what time she is
scheduled to use the laundry room the day she arrives, wherever you
are stationed?"
"Wilt thou attempt to tell her more than 24 hours in advance that
you will be leaving for two weeks, beginning the next morning?" This
especially applies to the years you will live in a foreign country!
"Wilt thou ____________, take this soldier as thy wedded husband,
knowing that he is depending upon you to be the perfect (well almost)
Army wife, running the household as you see fit, and being nice to the
commander's wife?" Furthermore, you understand that your life with
your husband (little that you may have together) will not be normal,
that you may have to explain to your children, not once, but twice,
and more often in the same day, that mothers do have husbands, and
that children do have daddy's, and that the picture of the man on the
refrigerator is not the milkman, but the same individual who tucks
them in at 2200 hours, long after they are asleep. This soldier is
their daddy, who loves them very, very much.
"Wilt thou love, respect and wait for him, preparing his favorite
cookies and pictures of yourself and the kids, so he can remember
what you look like?" And last but not least, put on the outside of
your door his "Welcome home" sign when he's due to arrive?"
"I, ____, take thee ____, as my independent wife, from 1900 to 2200
hours or as long as allowed by my Commanding Officer (subject to
change without notice), for better or worse, earlier or later, near or
far, and I promise to look at the pictures you send me, maybe not when
they get to me in the field, but before I turn the lights out. I will
also send a letter, if time permits, and if not, to somehow, some way,
make the time."
"I, _________, take thee _________ as my live-in/live-out husband,
realizing that your comings and goings and 0330 staff meetings are
normal (although absurd to me) and part of your life as a soldier. I
promise not to be shocked or taken by surprise when you inform me
that, although we've just arrived at our new duty station, we will be
leaving within the month. Yes, I'll have you as my husband as long as
while your are away, my allotment comes through regularly, and that
you leave me a current power of attorney and the checkbook at all
times. I am a family member and proud of it, dependent upon myself and
my resources. Although I miss you when you are away, I know I can
handle whatever comes across my path."
"Now then, let no man or woman put asunder what God and the
Department of the Army have brought together. The Army hereby issues
you this lovely, dedicated, independent woman, knowing that she'll be
an asset not only to your marriage, but also to the mission of the
United States Army, which is, as you all know, to remain in a state of
"Readiness." By the authority vested in the Bible, elaborated in the
regulation and subject to current directives concerning the aspects of
marriage in the Army, you are now a Soldier with a Family Member.
Best Wishes and good Luck."
An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence
course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present
employer been in business?"
He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."
Of the sister Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent
enlisted members! This is no theory; it's actually been proven:
Take the Army
When the s--- hits the fan, the young Private wakes up to the
bellowing of his First Sergeant. He grabs his BDUs out of his foot
locker, dresses, runs to the chow-hall for breakfast on the fly,
then jumps in his tank.
Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute,
and says, "Give 'em Hell, soldier!"
Now take the Navy.
When the s--- hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast
in the mess. He hustles the 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing
extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle
of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the
1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"
Now take the Marines
When the s--- hits the fan, the young Marine is kicked out of bed
by his First Sergeant and puts on the muddy set of BDUs he was wearing
on the field exercise he was part of three hours earlier. He gets no
breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out
and forms up with his rifle.
Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, gives the Marine a
sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell. Marine!"
Now the Air Force
When the s--- hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call at
his off-base quarters.
He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on the fresh uniform he picked
up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car and
cruises through the McDonalds Drive-Thru for an EggMcMuffin and Coca-
Cola on his way into work. Once at work, he signs in on the duty
roster.
He proceeds to his F-15, spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, and
signs off the forms.
Pretty soon the pilot, a young captain arrives, straps into the jet
and starts the engines.
Our young Airman stands at attention, gives the aviator a sharp
salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Captain!"
A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night time
exercises. Once, he was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump
School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so the sergeant struck up a
conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", He asked.
"No, just a bit apprehensive." the lieutenant replied.
The sergeant asked, "What's the difference?"
The lieutenant replied, "That means I'm scared, and have a
university education."
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi
soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they
found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side
of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his
blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the
teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked
him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled,
lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted
back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
The following tale is from the history of the oldest commissioned
warship in the world, the USS Constitution. It comes by way of the
National Park Service, as printed in "Oceanographic Ships, Fore and
Aft", a periodical from the oceanographer of the US Navy.
On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston,
loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000
cannon shot, 11,500 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of
rum. Her mission: to destroy and harass English shipping.
On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour
and 68,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached
the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 2,300
gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured
and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard their rum.
By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she
made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here,
her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000
gallons on board and headed for home.
On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no
cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no whiskey. She did,
however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600
gallons of water. The math is quite enlightening: Length of cruise:
181 days Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day (this does
NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the
12 English merchant vessels in November).
Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this
cruise was 92%.
Where do I sign up???
A Navy Admiral was being court-martialed for an incident where he
was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel
in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing
anything.
One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."
The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform,
as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times
appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."
The Admiral was acquitted
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders
were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker
on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated
in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a
sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through.
I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General,
I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a
little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but
it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead,
ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at
least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight
more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why
they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to
the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a
farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now
I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let
the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up
to the General, panting heavily,
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to
the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the
road, it took forever to get around them."
After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander
was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically
performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them
that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three
soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different
parts of the man's body.
The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like
to be measured, Sergeant?". "From the tip of me head to the soles
of me feet, Sir!", he replied. "Very good!", the commander said,
and the sergeant was measured at 6'5". He was paid the handsome
sum of 7000 pounds.
The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between
the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!", the corporal
said. "Very good!", replied the commander. The corporal, a man of
considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.
Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where
would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of
me balls, Sir!", retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must
admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your
decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing
measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he
stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!"
The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"
The instructor wanted to impress upon the soldiers how horrific any
combat could become using nuclear weapons. He told the class, "The next
war will be over in a matter of hours."
One recruit whispered to a buddy, "Good !!! We'll get the rest of the
day off then."
The new milatary instructor was assigned to teach Private Albert,
a new and not-too-bright soldier how to navigate by finding the North
Star. He did his best, but he could see it wasn't getting through, so
he just hoped no-one would test the new guy.
A couple of weeks later, during a long march by night, the sergeant
remembers that Albert wasn't tested yet. So he halts the platoon and
asks, "Private Albert, where's the North Star?"
Private Albert looks hard at the sky for a long time, and finally
declares, "We've already passed it, sergeant!"
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre where he was
to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially
their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had
almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened
before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the
room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits
and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are
killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed,
the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to
send into battle first?
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps
from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his
first jump from an airplane. The next day he called home to his
father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane and
the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a
dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one
at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last
man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to
jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and weighed
250 pounds.
He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"
I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared."
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I
swear, it was about 10 inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this
little baby up your ass."
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
A military truism:
All officers can be categorized by 2 paired attributes: energetic/lazy
and smart/stupid.
The energetic/smart officer is often referred to as "high speed, low
drag". They are the hard chargers who will either go far or screw up
spectacularly. A commander is lucky to have such an officer as long
as they can control them just enough to keep then from crashing and
burning.
The lazy/smart officer is a pearl of great price. They will never try
to make anything happen that is not already on their plate UNLESS they
spot a problem that might make their life more difficult. They will nip
such problems in the bud. Every job they have will be easier when they
leave that it was when they arrived.
The lazy/stupid officer can be useful for the routine jobs that aren't
very demanding but still need to be done. Put them under the
supervision of an experienced and competent sergeant.
The energetic/stupid officer is a viper at the breast of any command.
They mean well. Catastrophe follows in their wake. They will volunteer
for a suicide mission. Find one for them.
Found in Actual Military Evaluation Reports...
This Marine is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room-temperature IQ.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him and hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a
stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked
over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," was his immediate reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you
need to get out more."
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his
watch. "It's only 2014 now."
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen
marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to
popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men
rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
THE NAVAL REACTORS SONG
sung to the tune of the Oscar Meyer Hotdog Tune
My reactor has a first name
Its N - A - V - A - L
My reactor has a second name
Its classified as hell
Oh, I like to scram it everyday
And if you ask me why I'll say,
"Cause radiation has a way of re-arranging DNA!"
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
During the gulf war, three american soldiers, a Texan, a New Yorker
and a Arkansan, were captured by Iraqi soldiers. The captors told them
that because they were in a good mood they will set them free, but
only if they could sing a song which has a dog mentioned in the song.
The Texan started singing, "You ain't nothing but a hounddog,"
as sung by Elvis Presley.
"Good," said the Iraqi, and the Texan was set free...
The New Yorker started singing, "How much is that doggy in the window"
"Good," said the Iraqi, and the New Yorker was set free...
Then the Arkansan started singing, "Strangers in the night..."
"Strangers in the night," asked the Iraqi? "Where's the dog in that?"
"You didn't let me get that far," replied the Arkansan, "It's in the
chorus!" He then started singing the chorus, "Scooby dooby doo be dooby..."
The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after
World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one
soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"
The soldier immediately replied, "Fuck my wife."
The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked,
"Oh. Well, what's the second thing?"
"Then I'll take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!"
Why is the minimum height for the Coast Guard 6 feet?
So they can wade to shore.
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers
about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.
"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly
good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon,
"because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the
Army pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied.
"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane
voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."
The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally
intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all
eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a
pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had
just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The
chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced
himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you
bring to the best Army in the world?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in
today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second
young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to this man's Army?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Army,
what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't
need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and our battles are fought
with our minds as much as with our bodies!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Duh! I have to *chop*
It before he can pile it!"
At one time I was an instructor at a recruit training establishment
in Australia. The RSM (Regimental Sargeant Major) was well known to all
ranks, and struck fear into most hearts, especially recruits.
The unit was to be inspected by General XYZ. to make sure that the CO
and others were outside the headquarter building to greet the general
on arrival, the RSM personally briefed the recruits on guard at the
main gate.
"Make sure that you ring me as soon as General XYZ arrives."
The general later related this story in the Sergeant's Mess:
Generals car arrives at main gate wearing the general's flag and
stops for the sentry.
Recruit asks, "Are you General XYZ?"
General nods.
Recruit, "If I were you I would get the hell out of here.
The RSM's looking for you."
One day a wizard was sitting on the bank of a river meditating. Along
comes the village idiot in his boat, singing at the top of his lungs;
"ROW, ROW, ROW, YOUR BOAT,GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM...". The wizard was
unable to concentrate with all the racket and thought, "What is wrong
with that idiot?
Everyone in the village knows I come here for peace and quiet. He
should know better that to disturb me! I guess I'll have to teach him
a lesson! "So, the wizard casts a spell. *zap* The wizard's spell
removes half the idiot's intelligence.
The village idiot, after a pause, goes; "R..R..ROW, R...ROW, ROW,
YER BOAT...".
"I don't believe it", says the wizard, "he still hasn't learned. I'll
just have to teach him another lesson!" So the wizard casts another
spell. *zap* The idiot loses half of his remaining intelligence.
The idiot continues, "um...R...R...ROW YA BOAT..."
The wizard is now flabbergasted. "I cannnot believe that this idiot
will not learn his lesson! Since he is so unwilling to learn from his
mistakes, I will take away _all_ of his intelligence. So, the wizard
casts a final spell. *zap* The idiot loses all of his remaining
intelligence.
The idiot goes; "B...BE, ALL THAT YOU CAN, BE..."
Way back during the War, there was a Post of Soldiers who had the
reputation of being the greatest Camoflauged Infantry in the World.
Curious about the rumors, the General of the Army contacted the
Commander of this Infantry and told the Commander to have his Men
ready for inspection at 10 hundred hours the next morning. Sure
enough, the next morning at 10 hundred hours, here came the General's
helicopter.
The Commander greeted the General and the General responded with,
"Well, where are your men?!? I told you to have them ready for
inspection at 10 hundred hours!!"
The Commander replied with "Well, General, they are all around you."
"But all I see is trees!" said the General.
"Well that's what makes them so good" said the Commander. All of
a sudden one of the trees jumped up and started running and, WHOOOSH,
right by the General...the General screams "Halt Soldier!". The
Soldier stops and turns around to the two men and the General inquires,
"What are you running from so fast, there, soldier?"
The Soldier replied, "Well, General, it was alright when we were
struck by lightning. That was for God and country. And it was alright
when the birds built nests in our hair...that was for God and country.
And it was okay when the dogs came and bit us...that was for God and
country. But when two squirrels crawled up my pants and said 'Let's
eat one and save one for later', that was too much!!"
A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot,
asking him how it was in the war.
"Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight
dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."
"For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we
should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of
German fighter plane."
"Vell... ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers
were Messerschmitt's."
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded
to know how many vehicles were operational. Paddy answered, "We've got
twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the
fatassed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stoney silence for a second or two.
"Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No," said Paddy.
"It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately
referred to."
"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"
"No," roared the colonel.
"Well thank Christ for that," said Paddy slamming the phone down.
When Bismark was Prussian Ambassador at the Court of Alexander II
in the early 1860's, he looked out of a window in the Peterhof
Palace and saw a sentry on duty in the middle of the lawn. He asked
the Czar why the man was there. The Czar asked his aide-de-camp.
The aide-de-camp did not know. The commanding general was summoned.
"General, why is that soldier stationed in that isolated place?"
asked the Czar.
"I beg leave to inform your Majesty that it is in accordance with
ancient custom."
"What is the origin of the custom?" put in Bismarck.
"I do not recollect at present," answered the general.
"Investigate and report the result," ordered Alexander.
The investigation took three days. They found that the sentry
was posted there by an order put on the books eighty years before!
Records showed that one morning in the spring of 1780, Catherine the
Great, who ruled Russia at the time, looked on that lawn and saw the
first flower thrusting above the frozen soil. She ordered a sentry
to be posted to prevent anyone from picking the flower. And in 1860
there was still a sentry on the lawn -- a memorial to habit, custom,
or just everyone's saying, "But we've always done it just that way."
What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog
is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
How many fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.
What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot....
What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
A pig won't stay up all night trying to pickup a fighter pilot.
What do fighter pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.
What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls in to the parking spot.
There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant
that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the gullible young recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and
attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this...just go, 'Stabity
Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls
dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the
dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier
walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets
desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into
the ground, and says...
"Tankety Tank Tank."
Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all
villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such
village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who
had a 90 year old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied
house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food."
The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread"
"War is War, bring us the food"
So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things
are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine"
So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman"
"But everyone has left the village. The only female presence
here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
"War is War, bring her to us"
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the
soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time"
Granny goes, "The hell you will, War is War!!"
This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations
Simulation division.
They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators,
the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters
into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people
they employ on this sort of thing are ex-(or future) computer game
programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include
things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they
included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements
and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might
well give away a helicopter's position).
Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally
used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and
changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they've
gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots
have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos.
So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod
appreciatively...then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch
about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.
Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part
of the infantry coding...and Americans leave muttering comments about not
wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife...
One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that
they have very different meanings for the same terms.
The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which
they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.
The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the
building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.
Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the
building, captured it, and set up defenses with suppressive fire and
amphibious assault vehicles, established reconnaissance and
communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if
the situation arose.
But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the
command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
A family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the
shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever
alert U.S. Coast Guard.
"I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five-
year-old daughter of the boat owner after arriving home.
"I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always
remember that God is in His heaven watching over us."
"Oh, I wasn't talking about THAT God," the five-year-old
interrupted. "I was talking about the COAST God."
|
How To Simulate Life In The Navy
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside
of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump
it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can,
pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the
freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature
up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10
degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family
that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is
secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and
blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout
"Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do
the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at
6am and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and
hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at
X-3053".
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok
for you to leave your house before 3pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then
board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After
the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and
family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until
the next day you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your
home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.)
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure
every 15 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere.
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway
3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your
brooms, clean sweepdown fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the
fantail)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and
seasoning you can get your hands on.
20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow
each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch
CNN and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played
in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to
watch and then show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it
"world travel".
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get
promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the
dead bodies of your co-workers.
29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your
neighbors have gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is
under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.
("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle
stations")
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without
checking the pantry and refrigerator
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that
you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at
least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that
you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat
daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they
just ask for hot dogs.
33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in
the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your
driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating
at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then
tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take
them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th
week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled
due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-
Certification, and that it will be another week before they can
leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your
not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer
through PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with
a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after
you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and
mumble "Sorry, wrong rack"
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers,
make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking
chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a
supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your
living room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his
complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in
a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your
neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the
garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump
up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the
top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out
into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back
together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get
under it and read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and
back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man
overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the
pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not
having the kitchen "stowed for sea"
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them
in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front
of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and
ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one
in particular "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup
and place them in a box.
54. Put on your Sunday best suit and stand on the porch from 11:45 pm
to 3:45 am just in case someone comes to visit. Every hour write down
"nobody came by to visit" in a notebook. When your son turns 12 years
old, make him stand on the porch with you, carrying his BB gun.
55. Go to bed afterward, then "sleep in" until seven.
56. Get a motel room as close as possible to the landing end of the
airport runway.
57. Prepare Hamburger Helper and serve it to the family as Beef Adobo
58. Prepare powdered scrambled eggs and serve as Omelet Adobo
59. Prepare any old crap and serve it on Adobo night
There was this American soldier whom the Germans have caught in one of
the battles. They tortured him and beat the hell out of him. Anyway, one
day he says to one of the German officers. "Could you please cut off my
right leg and throw it over my base from an airplane?"
The officer thought for a while and said "Ya, I vill do it."
So he cuts off his right leg and gives to one of the pilots and asks
him to throw it over the base.
Next morning, the American POW call the same officer again and asks him,
"Could you please cut off my left leg and throw it over my base from an
airplane?"
The officer though for a while and said "Vat the heck, I vill do it
again".
So he cuts it off and gives it to one of the pilots and asks him to
throw it over the American's base.
Next morning, the POW asks for the officer again and again asks him,
"Could you please cut my left arm off and throw it over my base from an
airplane?"
Again the officer thinks, and says "OK, Vat the heck" and he does it.
Next morning the POW calls the officer again and says "Could you please
cut my right arm off and throw it over my base from an airplane?"
This time the officer says furiously "Nein, it is impossible!!!"
The POW asks "Why not?" The officer says, "You can't fool us, ve know
you are trying to escape!"
The trenches in the first world war and a load of troops are hemmed in
by the Germans and they're awaiting orders via a carrier pigeon. They see
the pigeon approaching with a message and then the pigeon falls from the
sky. The captain then asks for a volunteer to go and get the message from
the pigeon - nobody steps froward except daft Paddy.
He says "I'll go for my country". He crawls out of the trench and all
you hear are bullets, mortars, bombs, etc. and everyone thinks Paddy is
dead.
Two hours later Paddy arrives back into the trench and everyone cheers
for his safe return.
The captain asks, "did you get to the pigeon?"
Paddy says, "yes".
Captain says, "did it have a message?"
Paddy says, "yes"
Captain says, "What was the message that the pigeon had?"
Paddy says, "coo! coo!".
U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to
the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it
in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to
sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others
more dedicated than me who take their job seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to
defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear
to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even
though I believe myself to be above that.
I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name
because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it
amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better
quality of life than all those around me and will at all times
be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be
a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing
-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am
superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife
before stabbing the next person in the back with it.
I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me
look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early
every day. I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and
understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably
will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature:_________________________
Date:________________
U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to
the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on
the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for
the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my
boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps.
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have
a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce
killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite
the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial
for sexual harrassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of
service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect
on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean,
BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every
other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I
am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my
wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a
smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve
times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day
at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300
hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will
undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon
separation, and will end up working construction with my friends
from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving
me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I
can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:_______________________
Date:____________________
U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four
years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to
hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them,
because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because
I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to
have my name stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during
the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover,
and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I
will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks
and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely
different from the other services and make absolutely no sense
whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every
morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I
will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I
can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still
not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently
busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once
selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick,
and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
Signature:_________________________
Date:__________________
U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...
high-and-tight....
|
|