In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the
ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.
Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression...
In America we call it golf.
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when
she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help."
she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little
while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line
up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may
be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who
said he come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking
his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
What Is The Difference Between A Lada And A Golf-Ball?
You Can Drive A Golf Ball 360 Yards.
What Is The Difference Between A Woman Driver And A Woman Golfer?
One Hits Everything And The Other Hits Nothing.
What Is The Difference Between AIDS And Golf?
In Golf, One Bad Hole Won't Kill You.
Golf is a backward flog.
Sign on a Scottish golf course:
Members will refrain from picking up lost balls
until they have stopped rolling.
What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times
Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?
Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.
Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?
Golfer: "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?"
Caddy: "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith.
You caught me off-guard."
How do you get someone on a golf course to talk to you?
Pick up the wrong ball.
What do you do with a divot?
Take it home for putting practice.
How do you beat someone on a golf course?
Get him mad.
How do you improve your score?
Add 3+5+4-- and get 9.
What are 3 kinds of golf lies?
Lies, damned lies and statistics.
A "handicapped golfer" is a man who plays golf with his wife.
A young relative is so good at golf, he's been offered a full
scholarship to medical school.
Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged.
He asked the warden if he could take a few practice swings first.
Just think guys, a golfer can spend the entire weekend with a
bunch of "hookers" and his wife isn't the least bit concerned.
Basically, golf has made more liars out of Americans than all
of the Income Tax forms ever filed.
Contrary to popular belief avid golfers do not lie all the time.
Anytime one golfer calls another a "liar" they're probably
telling the truth.
Some people just have to cheat all the time when it comes to
recording the number of strokes on their golf cards. One
fellow got a hole-in-one and entered "zero" on his card.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shoes?
In case he got a hole in one.
What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball
and Lady Godiva?
One is a hunt on a course.
Golfer: One who yells "fore!" takes five and writes down three.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes
up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of
poor players!
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight
and not too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,
practice constantly -- or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice -
once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot
count, criticize or laugh.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends,
play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words
were taken.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning
enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one
complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one
of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them
too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest,
and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up
and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side
of the grass!"
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns
to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone
into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By
the way how is the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as
I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some
problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop
playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I
play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you
are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and
he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play
the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands
the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and
again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front
of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I
just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a
game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I
only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000
a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that.
When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
An older couple is playing in the annual club championship.
They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6-inch
putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.
She putts and misses; they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot
believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my
dick."
The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said,
"Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
A GOLFING PARODY
I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt
a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read,
"I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"
The first man angrily gave the card back and shock his head
from side to side indicating, "No, he may NOT play through."
The first man then whacked his ball onto the green and left
to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to sink the ball into the hole, he was
hit in the head with a golf ball, knocking him out cold.
When he came to several minutes later, he looked around and
saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip
and the other hand holding up four fingers, indicating "Fore!"
A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition
to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it.
The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on
a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success.
His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never
used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one
that had a cut or a nick.
One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to
the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.
Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said: WAIT ...
REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL.
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the
Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally
achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
WAIT ... STEP BACK ... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.
So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out
again: TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING.
He did.
Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again: PUT BACK THE OLD BALL.
THE GOLFER'S PSALM
He maketh my ball to lie in the green pastures of the fairway.
He leadeth it around the still water hazards.
Yea, though I walk through the rough,
I will fear no bogey,
for He hath prepareth the green before me,
and marked the presence of sand traps.
Truly my putt runneth over to the cup,
and dwells within,
and my name shall be engraved on the championship cup forever.
The Weekend Hacker
He immediately yelled "Fore" from upon the first tee,
In the fairway is not where his ball will be.
He looks around ensuring no one can see,
And then kicks his ball out from the tree.
He pulls out a three iron and hits it quite well,
Then boasts how he crushed a six iron from hell.
As he strives to the green with his putter in hand,
He suddenly realizes that his ball's in the sand.
How many times will he hit it for Christ's sake?
Finally he's out, but of course doesn't rake.
He's now in the green surveying his line,
As he steps in my partners and then into mine.
He misses his first putt and then the next two,
Then states "That's okay, a Bogey will do."
As I walk off the green, I hope in my fate,
His next line will be, "Gotta go, gotta date."
The Official GOLF Survival Handbook
Dictionary of terms every golfer should know
Golf
A beautiful walk spoiled by a small white ball.
Fore
A warning to the slow foursome ahead, that one of them may be
knocked unconscious by the ball you just hit.
Duffer
Golfer who yells "fore" but causes people behind him to duck.
Divot
Crater left in the fairway after a bad stroke.
Rough
Area on the course the landscapers forgot to mow.
Victory
When a golfer finds a better ball than the one he just lost.
Duffer
Golfer who never loses any balls because they don't go far enough.
Hazard
Area on the golf course that you reach in one shot.
Sandtrap
Place where a duffer spends a lot of time -- along with his
sandwedge, beach towel and tanning oil.
The Drink
Place where a duffer goes snorkeling for the ball he just
hit out of the sandtrap.
Caddy
Kid you pay money to lug around your clubs, give you advice--
and watch you struggle in hazards and traps, lose money and swear.
Golf
A FORE letter word.
Mulligan
Free shot taken when your drive doesn't go past the women's tee.
Guilt
Taking 6 strokes, writing down 5, and wiping you finger
prints off the pencil.
Veracity
Cheating on your score at the 5th hole-- and feeling bad
about it for the next 13.
Duffer
Golfer who needs a calculator to keep track of his score.
Golf
A game where everyone in front of you is to slow and everyone
behind you is too fast.
Heaven
An empty golf course on a Sunday afternoon.
Hell
An overcroweded golf course, due to a golf tournament on the
one day you have off from work.
Golf
Like love-- if you take it too seriously, it can break your heart.
Clubhouse
The 19th hole!
One golfer to another: First it was my marriage;
now, the magic has gone out of my nine iron too.
... Avid golfers have a fairway look in their eyes.
A Fairway on the Golf Course is a narrow strip of mown grass that
separates two groups of golfers who are out looking for lost balls
in the rough.
A sand trap on the golf course is a deep depression filled with
golfers who are in a deep depression.
Golfing is the art of using a bowed club and a flawed swing, a poor
stance and tight shoes, a weak grip and a lose shank tape on the
handle of the club, to hit a small ball badly toward the wrong hole,
out of turn.
GOLF - What a strange game
Where else would you find a bloke fanatical about choosing:
a bag, shoes, hat, gloves, umbrella, towel and even address?
Where would you find so many swingers, hookers, pushers,
sandgropers, and pros.
Where else could you:- tee up, have a sand wedge, chips, lots
of greens and watch a pitcher - all for $300?
Where else can you find more bunkers than W.W.II?
Where could you take a buggy with your own driver in the woods and
see birdies, eagles, albatrosses, ferrets and even a bogie man?
Where else can you dig up someone else's turf, play in the sand or
knock down trees without being sued?
Where else would you find players who have a handicap, stroke, play
with each others balls, get a hole in one doing a "69"?!
3 men were sitting in a bar having a few drinks.
The first man boasted, "I have 4 sons. If I have one more and
I will have me a basketball team!"
The second man said, "That's nothing, I have 8 boys one more
and I'll have a baseball team"
The third man just smiled and said" I got you both beat.
I have 17 daughters, one more and I got a golf course!!!"
Hole-in-one no joke for blind comedian
BRANTFORD - A blind comedian had the last laugh on the golf course
Sunday when he shot a hole-in-one after his niece pointed him in
the right direction.
"I felt like a little kid," said Gord Paynter, 44, who aced the
184-yard shot at Northridge golf course.
"All the years I've been playing that course I've hardly ever
even been on the green," said the man who played his last round of
golf as a sighted person when he was 20.
"I'm either short, off to the left or off to the right," said
Paynter, a comedian who appears at clubs across Canada and speaks
at motivational seminars for groups.
Paynter stopped playing golf after he went blind more than
20 years ago but returned to the sport in 1994. He gave much of
the credit for his hole-in-one on the par three second to his
niece, Mallory O'Leary, 13, and his wife, Catherine Camp-Paynter.
"My regular caddy and helper couldn't make it so Mallory came
out to help me. She's the one who set me up and pointed me in the
right direction."
It wasn't until Paynter and his two golf partners, along with
his niece and wife, got to the hole that they discovered the ball
nestled inside.
"It was really exciting," said Paynter.
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro
showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball
toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the
fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro
finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the
middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball
went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the
woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back
straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book
and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2,
didn't I?"
"Sneaking away" for a game of golf during the work day, one fellow
had forgotten which course his friend said to meet and called his
office, only to have his secretary say, "I'm sorry he's away from
his desk right now." Knowing she'd never admit where he really was,
the fellow asked, "Tell me, is he 10 miles way from his desk or
22 miles away?"
Top 10 things that sound dirty on a golf course but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Boy you've got a nice looking putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Any body want to join our Threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hand are too sweaty, I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but you gotta remember to follow through.
1. Hold up...I need to wash by balls first!
Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee, when a naked woman
runs across the fairway and into the woods.
A couple of minutes later, she was followed by two men in white
coats and another bloke carrying two buckets of sand. Finally, there
was a little old man, bringing up the rear.
The golfers got a grip of him and demanded to know what was going
on.
"Well. She's a nymphomaniac from that asylum over there." The man
pointed out: "She keeps tryin' to escape. We are all asylum attendants
tryin' to catch her."
"What about the guy with the buckets of sand?" The golfers asked.
The little old man smiled. "That's his handicap. He's the one that
caught her the last time."
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an
impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing
their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator
held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he
announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent
score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow,"
he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he
hadn't been sick!"
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his
ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down
the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly
he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the
shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying
near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner, "Hey Thomas,
come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls
out, "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks
like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which
the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his
caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the
earth."
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF:
1. MONICA LEWINSKY
2. O.J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY IS THIS THE WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF?
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O.J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER,
AND....
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST!
The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room
with a golf club next to her body.
They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Did you kill her?"
"Yes, he replied."
"It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron.
Is that correct?"
"Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going
to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few
years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been
going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That," he added,
"was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and
picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.
He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."
He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"
There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful
day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was
even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other
way right. They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd
just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found
his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He
promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups
were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created
this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them
at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since
these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter
for a year."
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the
Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you
find so funny?"
The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in
the Pussywillows."
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play
a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and
on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the
little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,
"That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many
does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in
the butt."
He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf
balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting
his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch
putt. The duffer exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a
coincidence."
Steve is an avid golfer. Goes to tournaments, golfs every weekend,
LIVES for golf. Normally plays very well. However, Steve tells of
one game, about half way through, when his score went right down the
toilet. He was playing pretty good until...
Steve had recently moved from out-of-state to Boise, Idaho. One
weekend as he played a round of golf on one of the more popular
courses in town, he caught up with two other golfers on the course.
Steve asked if they would mind if he "played through" and got ahead
of them. The older man, seeing that Steve was by himself, invited
Steve to join them and play as a group. Steve thought that that would
be all right, introduced himself, "Hello, I'm Steve Welker," and
offered his hand.
The older gentleman shook it and said, "Hello, Steve. I'm John
Evans and this is my son," and he introduced the younger man with him.
They started to play the next hole. John said, "Where are you from,
Steve? You new here in Idaho?"
Steve remarked that as-a-matter-of-fact he had just moved into Idaho
from Portland, Oregon where he had been most of his life.
John asked, "What do you do here in Idaho, Steve?"
Steve replied, "Well, I'm a private investigator. I investigate
cases of insurance fraud and court settlements." Steve went on to
talk about some of the things he had done, crawling through underbrush
for hours with a camera to take pictures of a "handicapped" man
hauling wood, a prostitute that was suing in an auto accident case,
and such. (But those are another story.)
After a bit, though, Steve felt guilty because he had been doing all
the talking, he said, "What do you do, John?"
John's face got one of those _I-thought-you-would-never-ask_ looks
he said, "Well, Steve, I'm the Governor of Idaho!"
And it is at that point that Steve's score went down the toilet.
A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson
from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing
off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230
yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my
impediment," said the golfer.
"What do you mean?" said the blonde.
"I have a glass eye," said the golfer.
"I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde.
He popped his eye out and showed her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards
straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a good shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
"What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm,"
said the golfer.
"I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his
arm off and showed her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards
straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a good shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
"What's wrong with you?" said the blonde.
"I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer.
"I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed
his leg off and showed her.
The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280
yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde.
"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
"What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial
heart," said the golfer.
"I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.
"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come
around here behind the Pro-Shop."
As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates
decided to go and see what was holding them up.
As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there
he was, screwing his heart out.
An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of
Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and
husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.
On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for
a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie,
did you enjoy yourself?"
"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked
very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed
to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept
shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice.
There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious
excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the
way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of
these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up
and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all
about."
Karen loved the golf game but was not very good at it. She was out
on the links one day, playing with her husband John. As usual, every
time she swung at the ball, she made the earth beneath it fly every
which way!
"My goodness, John," she said, blushing at her ineptitude, "I bet
the worms think there's an earthquake going on."
"Don't be so sure, Karen. The worms on this course are mighty
smart. My guess is that most of them are hiding beneath your golf
ball for safety."
Tiger Woods is set to sign a $100 million endorsement deal with
Nike, the highest endorsement deal in sports history. Woods' agent
said that it compensates Woods for "not just what he's done with
Nike, but what he has done for golf and sports." And, he added,
Nike threw in just enough to adequately compensate Woods in case
he also cures cancer.
My wife inquired as to why I don't play golf with Dean anymore.
I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets
drunk, loses so many balls that other groups are always playing
through, who tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and
generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."
Harold and Gertrude had been married for fifty years and played
golf together every Saturday.
One day while out on the course, Harold said to Gertrude, "Honey,
there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like
to get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first
married and I had that pretty young secretary working for me? Well,
I had an affair with her. But it was only one time, that was many
years ago and I have been faithful to you ever since."
Gertrude replied, "Harold, there is something bothering me which
I need to tell you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change
operation."
Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could
you have never told me this?...and all these years you've been
hitting from the ladies tees!!!"
Two guys went out for a game of golf one day. The 1st guy hit his
drive straight up the faiway. The 2nd guy sliced into the woods.
1st guy put his 2nd onto the green and after another 5 shots the 2nd
guy finally reaches the green. Needless to say the 1st guy sinks his
putt for a birdie and the other takes 3 putts.
Anyhow to cut a long story short, thats how it goes all day. The
1st guy ends up with a sub par round while the 2nd guy scores 125.
At the 19th they were discussing the days play and the 1st guy
decided to give the other some advice. The reason I played so well
is because before I play I make passionate love to my wife.
I'll remember that, says the 2nd guy. See you next week.
Next week and they're out playing and they're both having a
fantastic round. Both sub par. Coming up to the 18th the 1st guy
said to the 2nd, you must have taken my advice.
The 2nd guy said sure did. By the way that's a nice house
you've got.
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not
seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be
known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he
desired.
A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was
leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man
of my word. You name it and if it is humanly possible I'll get
it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could
have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine."
With that the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the
Texan millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone
call from the millionaire.
"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I
have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so
long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't
think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and
they're all ready for you now!"
One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on
the green he asked the boy standing beside him:
"You are my caddie for today?"
"Yes," answered the boy.
"You are good in finding lost balls?"
"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"
"Ok, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"
I heard that a considerably large cash reward has been posted in
response to the vicious and brutal attack on OJ that occured while
he was in a golf course parking lot. The attacker will be receiving
the reward money as soon as they can be found.
MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse, in front of
the fireplace on a raw, blustery day. The freezing rain was beating
against the windows as their breads thawed out. Outside, the wind
from the North Sea roared with gale force.
The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys. Finally,
MacDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf. Same time next
Saturday?"
"Aye," MacDuff replied, "weather permitting."
Sitting at the bar in the clubhouse I told Dan that that was the
last time I was ever going to play golf with Richard. I went on to
explain that he had lost his ball and found it two feet from the cup.
"Well, Jimmy, be fair now." Dan replied. "While that is unlikely,
it's at least possible."
"No it wasn't!" I maintained. "I had the ball in my pocket."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and
their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her
foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground.
Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her
state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's
ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on
a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again
her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing
any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded
a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I
cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot
on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her
head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to
her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of
allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."
Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet
to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it
has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately
by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases
with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot
be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the
golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one
does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be
cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath
of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it
works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into
will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to
miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the
one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust
your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until
the sunset.
We all know what a Birdie is, (one under par) and a Bogey is one
over par but what is a Clinton?
That's when you leave your shot three feet from the hole.
A fella goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, someone
is about to tee off in front of him. The man takes a brand new ball out
of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee. Thwack! Slices into
the trees. "Bollocks!" He reaches into his bag and takes out another
brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! Hooks it miles into
the bushes.
"Bollocks!" He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when the man
waiting approaches him.
"Er, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls.
Why don't you use an old one?"
He looks at the man. "Cos I've never bloody had one!"
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the
ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to
help ease his "pain".
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him
earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes."
He replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his
hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She
began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...
but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
This guy was playing golf with his wife. Well, on one par 4 he hit
his tee shot into the rough and it landed near a service shed. When
he came up to where the ball lay he saw that the shed was directly
between his ball and the green. Looked like he was out of luck until
his wife noticed that there were doors on both sides of the shed; if
they opened them he just might be able to shoot *through* the building
right at the pin. So his wife opened the front door, then went around
and opened the back door, while the guy got ready to swing. He took so
long preparing that his wife wondered what was wrong. She peekd through
the door just as he swung and the ball hit her right in the forehead,
killing her instantly.
Well, two years later the same man was playing the same course with
a buddy and sure enough, at that hole, he hit his tee shot into that
spot by the service shed. His friend observed that he might be able
to shoot through the shed if they opened both doors.
"Forget it," the guy said. "The last time I did that I took a seven."
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m.
Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about
trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join
the group?"
They were hesitant but said she could come once to give it a try.
She said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven."
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with
a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.
The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure,
I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.
By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the
group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her,
"How do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the
covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his dick is pointing
to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I
golf left-handed.
A guy asked "what if it's pointed straight up?" She said "Then I'll be
here at quarter to 7."
One day, a woman decided to take lessons in golf to surprise her
husband. So she signs up and goes the next day to play. Her instructor
says that he'd like to see her take a few shots to see how far they go.
She stands properly, aims and swings.....it goes way off to the left.
She tries it again....swings....and it goes way off to the right.
"Hum.." the instructor says, "I've got an idea. Hold it like you
would your husband's penis."
So she aims, swings, and gets a hole in one!
"WOW!" exclaims the instructor, "but now this time, try doing that
with the club out of your mouth."
THE RULES OF GOLF
These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect
their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile.
1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed
on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in
the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction
between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player
should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting
from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if
it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from
atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on
or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed
by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should
not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.
4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the
player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke
or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted
in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the
player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so
as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.
5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to
have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing
goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there,
defying gravity. You cannot defy the law).
(Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go
sideways. This violates the laws of physics).
6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments
as, "You could blow it in"...may be blown in. This rule does not apply
if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one
wants to make a travesty of the game.
This man got stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. For
eleven years, he was stuck there until, one day, he saw a liferaft in
the lagoon. He watched with excitement as a very attractive young
woman got out of the raft and waded to the shore, her wet and tattered
dress gripping her curvaceous body. It seems that her ship hit the coral
reef near the island during the previous night while a big party was
going onboard and the woman had just enough time to jump into the raft
with her purse before the ship quickly sank.
The man, overjoyed at seeing another person, blurts out his whole
story about how he managed to live on the island alone, how he learned
to live off the land, surviving by his wits.
"How long did you say you've been on this island?", she asked.
"Eleven long years," he replied.
"How long has it been since you had a smoke? Care for one?"
she then asked as she pulled a cigarette out of her purse.
"Oh yes, indeed!", exclaimed the man.
The woman handed the man a cigarette, who smoked it with great
relish.
"How long has it been since you had a drink?" asked the woman.
"Eleven long years!" replied the poor man.
The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a flask with some
liquor in it and handed it to the man who drank it with a sigh.
"Gee, I just realized. You've been on this island for eleven
years and I guess you haven't had any human contact or intimacy all
this time...how long has it been since you played around?", asked the
woman then with a wolfish grin on her face.
"Well, eleven long years also", the man replied with a smile.
The woman, with a sexy gaze, began to unzip her dress and dropped
her purse onto the ground.
"Holy smokes!" ,exclaimed the very excited man. "Don't tell me you
have a set of golf clubs in there, too!"
A man is playing golf when a funeral procession drives by. He stops
playing, takes off his golf cap and places it over his heart, and stands
there on the fairway honoring the dearly departed. after the procession
passes, he puts back on his cap and starts to hit the ball.
One of his golfing partners says "Henry, that was one of the kindest
things I've ever seen you do...stopping play to honor the memory of the
dead like that".
Henry says, "well, it was the least i could do, considering I was
married to her for 30 years."
Two men are chatting at the 19th hole at their golf club.
First golfer: I say, did you hear about old Harrington-Smythe?
Second golfer: No. What happened?
First golfer: He was arrested yesterday for murdering his wife.
Second golfer: Really? How did he do it?
First golfer: With one of his golf clubs!
Second golfer: How many strokes?
A rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th
hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green. He drags
out his 1-iron, and starts to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds
overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder,
shattering a tree some 3 hundred yards east, and the rain begins
pouring down in a blinding sheet.
The distraction causes him to hook the shot badly out of bounds.
He waves his 1-iron at the clouds, screaming and yelling and cursing
God. His caddy runs up, grabs his club arm and yanks it down,
yelling, "Are you crazy? You don't wave a club around like that in
a thunderstorm!"
The priest looks at his caddy and says "Phhhhhtt. Not even God can
hit a 1-iron!".
A businessman off to Tokyo on biz trip, bored in hotelroom one
night, decides to take off to a whorehouse, takes a little japanese
girl upstairs and does what he knows best, the woman screams out,
"yakamakiho, yakamakiho, yakamakiho".
Couple of months later his Japanese biz associate visits him and
they decide to have a round of golf. On the 2nd hole the Japanese
fellow has a 60ft putt which he holes, impressed with this long
putt the businessman shouts what he learned in Tokyo, "yakamakiho,
yakamakiho"
The Japanese fellow looks puzzled and asks, "what do you mean...
wrong hole?"
A woman storms into the pro shop and bellows at the head pro,
"I thought you sprayed this course for mosquitoes."
The head pro replies, "Yes, m'aam, we did last week."
"Well," the irate woman replies, "I got bit between the first
and second holes."
The pro pauses for a moment, then says, "Maybe your stance is
too wide."
A guy's hacking his way around Sawgrass. His caddy watches politely
while he hits shanks, tree shots, worm burners etc. all the way around
the course. Finally, on number 17, he puts 8 straight balls into the
water. He turns to his caddy and says, "Son, I think I'm going to walk
straight into this here lake and drown myself."
The caddy says, "Sir, I don't think you could keep your head down
that long."
"Golf is easy. You just swing the club and say Oh No...No!"
David was headed out the door when he heard his wife yelling
something.
"You have to be back by 4:30 so we're not late to the Wilson's party
at 6:30." David nodded and headed to the car with his clubs.
David was not home at 5:00 and his wife was worried. At 6 o'clock,
her worry turned into anger. At seven, she thought David better
not come back at all.
Finally, David dragged himself in a little after 7. He was dirty
from head-to-toe, his shirt was torn, and he looked simply exhausted.
"Where have you been? What happened to you? Don't you know you
ruined our chance to go to the Wilson's party?" David's wife battered
him with questions.
David slumped into his easychair and explained. "It was terrible.
Larry and I were having a great round and on the seventh hole Larry
just fell over dead with a heart attack."
"What did you do?" she asked.
"What else...hit my ball...Drag Larry. Hit my ball...Drag Larry..."
A priest, a doctor, and an lawyer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
Lawyer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play
here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Lawyer: Well, why can't these guys play at night since they can't
see anyway!?
A man is playing alone behind a threesome of women on a busy weekend
and the play is slow. When the man gets to the next tee the three
women are about to hit and he asks them if he may join them in order
to speed up play. They all agree that it is a good idea and form a
foursome. All four hit good tee shots and walk out to their balls.
The three women hit there second shots safely onto the green, the man
hits his into a bunker next to the green an promptly yells "aw SHIT".
When one of the women hears him she tells him that they will not
tolerate his foul language.
The man apologizes and they finish out the hole. When they get to
the next tee the women who scolded him hits her tee shot well off to
the right, it looks like it may be allright but it hits a tree and
goes into the woods. She yell "SHIT" and storms off the tee box.
The man hearing this looks at the women and says "I thought you
wouldn't tolerate the use of that type of language".
She turns to him and says, "your ball didn't hit a FUCKING tree".
The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf
course he not only took your money he then told you everything you
did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball
out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough. So we bought
a gorilla and trained it to play golf.
He then set up a game with the pro, $1000 a side with automatics.
The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first
hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the
fairway some 270 yards out.
The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground
and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface
100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.
The pro just about "dumped" in his pants. If this was an indication
of the way things were going to go then he would never live in down.
He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent
business across town.
As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?"
The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.
A man promises his wife that he is going to the golf course and
playing 18 holes and coming straight home. The wife doesn't
believe him because he always plays at least 27 and usually 36.
On his way to the course he sees a woman who is having car
trouble so he stops to help. She is so grateful that she invites
him to her house for a drink. He knows he shouldn't but figures
he could have one or two drinks and still get to the course and
play 9 holes. Well one thing led to another and they wound up in
the bed together. By this time he had been gone from home nearly
all day. On his way home he was trying to think up an excuse to
tell his wife. He finally decides to just tell her the truth.
When he walks in the door his wife is standing there waiting on
him.
"Where the hell have you been?" she said. "I was on my way
to the course and stopped to help a woman who was having car
trouble. She invited me to her place for a drink and we wound
up in bed together."
His wife just looks at him and said, "You lying S.O.B., you
played 36 holes and you know it."
A threesome tee's off on a par three over a lake. The first player
steps up and hits an iron, the is just starting to drop into the lake
and a bird comes along and grabs the ball in his beak and drops it on
the fringe.
Wow, great shot Moses!
The second player steps up and his shot also starts to drop in the
water. The same bird comes by and grabs the ball and drops it within
two feet of the hole.
Moses says, "great shot Jesus".
The third player tees off and the ball again drops off to the water.
This time the water splits apart, the bird grabs the ball and drops it
on the green, and a worm pushes the ball into the cup.
Jesus says, "great shot dad".
A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They
were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place.
"Right over here we have our very own golf course", said the angel.
"Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?", they both exclaimed!
"Sure", said the angel.
So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course
they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the
greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman
beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming
disheartened and angry. The woman confronted her husband on what
was wrong.
"I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're
together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf
course ever! What's wrong with you?", she asked.
If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins every morning, we'd
have been here years ago!
Two guys of equal ability decide to have a round together and
"play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the
the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. The drive up for
the second shot, and the first gentleman hits his shot down the middle
for an easy approach, but the second guy slices his over the trees and
it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.
"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path.", he says.
"Oh no," says guy 1, "We agreed. Play it as it lays."
So guy 2 drives guy 1 up to his ball in front of the green, drops
him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Guy 1 watches
in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his
opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the
green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin.
Guy 2 drives back to the green.
Guy 1: "Great shot back there! What club did you use?"
Guy 2: "Your six iron."
The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw
after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or
nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but hey
who doesn't need more money right. To make it fair he offered the guy
any handicap he wanted.
The member requested 2 gottchas. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha
was but since the man was insistent he agreed. Then went out to the
first tee and the member took a swing and his ball sliced mightily.
Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw
and swung his drive hard between his legs "GOTTCHA!" he screamed.
At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw
had lost - his only comment "ever play a round of golf waiting for
the second "gottcha"?
What is the difference between a Golfer & a Skydiver?
A Golfer goes "Whack!", "F@#$%$$"
but a Skydiver goes "F$#$^%", "Whack!"
This duffer is out on the links shooting 18 solo one afternoon when
he badly slices a drive on the seventh hole. The ball hops over the
fence in the direction of the interstate highway and since there's no
one else around, the golfer just puts another ball into play.
About 1/2 hour later, the guy is about to sink a short putt on the
tenth hole when a state police cruiser comes barreling up the middle
of the fairway with sirens blarin' and lights a flashin'. The squad
car screetches to a halt in the middle of the green and two officers
jump out.
Officer #1 to golfer: Hey pal, did you just slice one toward the
freeway back on the seventh hole?
Worried looking duffer: Well, yeah, I did. What seems to be the
problem officers?
Officer #2: That ball took a big hop and smashed the windshield
of a moving semi-truck. The driver panicked, lost control, and
jack-knifed. To make a long story short, buddy, we've got twisted
wreckage and carnage backed up for five miles down the interstate.
Golfer: Oh my God! What can I do!
Officer #1: Look, try widening your stance about three inches
and rotate your grip about...
It was a beautiful sunny day at the golf course. The gentleman
took aim on the ball and drove his first shot deep into a wooded
area. He sighed and proceeded to the area where the ball had gone
into the woods.
As he was looking around for his ball, he heard a voice calling
to him. He whirled around and there stood a very ugly witch. She
had his golf ball and explained to him that it had hit her in the
head. She was not very pleased about this, but went on to explain
that she had little contact with the outside world and when she
did have an encounter, she condidered it a special occasion.
The witch said that she had magical powers and would grant the
man one wish. However, when the wish was granted, the man would
notice a tremendous decrease in his sexual desire and ability to
perform. The man thought about this for a few minutes and then
stated that he would agree to those conditions.
The witch asked what his wish was and the man simply stated,
"I want my golf game to improve." The witch rocked back on her
heels and stared at the man. After a few minutes she said,
"Is that all?".
He said," Yes, that's it".
The witch said, "Are you telling me that is all you want, when
you could have anything in this world?"
The man looked her in straight in the eyes and said,"Yes".
Two years later, on another beautiful day, the man is at the
same golf course and drives a tee shot into the woods. The man
starts shaking because he had not hooked or sliced a shot since
the day he had encountered the witch. He went into the woods and
there stood the witch.
She looked at him and said, "I made your shot go bad because I
wanted to talk to you."
The man was visibly relieved when he heard this and asked what
she wanted. The witch wanted to know if he had any regrets about
his wish.
The man said, "Well, things couldn't be better with my golf game.
I've won every major tournament on the amateur circuit and I'll
soon be on the PGA tour. As far as my sex life, I have only had six
encounters in 2 years.
"Hasn't that bothered you?," asked the witch.
The man said, "No, I'm allright".
The witch said, " Well, I'm glad it all worked out, although there
is nothing you or I can do about it now - the spell that was cast can
never be changed".
With that, they parted company. On his way out to the fairway, the
man said to himself, "The PGA Tour and sex three times a year - not
bad for a small parish priest".
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes
into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why
don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
"You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit
it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the
water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke
comes up in order for you to find it. you just can't lose it!"
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the
possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get
that ball!"
The man replies, "I found it."
A man went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me,
Father. I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use
the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoke
into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that
sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced
into the woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration,
my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot
out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit
a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball
stopped an inch from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."
"No, Father, I was still cool."
"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!"
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he
could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It
was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out,
no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher
was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf
overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick,
packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no
one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play he course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished
for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it
sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup four
hundred yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A
picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging
Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- whom can he tell?"
A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and
when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about
10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the
men waiting and says apologetically:
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help"
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see there is your
problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every
Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked
the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out
the foursome again.
"No problem," answered the pro. "But, you have to understand," one
of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like
our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing
the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."
The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others
returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient
looking gentleman, named Gary.
"How old are you?" George asked.
"I'm ninety-four," Gary responded.
"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"
At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may
be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't
insult me!"
"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."
George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive,
that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.
"Did you see where it went?", he asked the ancient one.
"Did I see where it went?! I told you not to insult my eyesight.
Of course I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!", Gary
yelled.
"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"
Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forget."
A golfer regains consciousness on a hospital bed and is asked what
happenned.
"Well, I was playing golf with my wife.I'd been having a great game
but unfortunately she wasn't. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot,
270 yards straightdown the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a
tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out
of bounds. We both went looking for the ball andjust as we were about
to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow's behind, just
under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure and then called to my
wife saying, 'Here, honey, this looks like yours'.
That's the last thing I remember."
A newlywed couple was in Las Vegas celebrating their quickie ceremony.
The new husband was an avid golfer.
In their hotel room the wife said, "Honey I have confession to make."
"OK," he said.
The new wife said, "I'm a hooker".
The husband replied, "That's OK, just turn your hands to the right"
Happiness is a long walk with a putter.
"I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd
come up sliced."
Miller Barber July 21,1975
Two Newfies teed off on a par three and they could only see the top
half of the flag due to a rise in the fairway. They couldn't see the
green at all.
The first ball sailed right for the pin and and dropped behind the
rise, out of sight.
The second ball followed exactly the same path.
Well... the Newfies were excited and ran to the top if the rise.
They could only see one ball only 2 inches from the hole and the other
ball was nowhere to be seen. They ran up to the hole and saw one ball
was actually in the hole - A hole-in-one!
However they started arguing loudly when they discovered they were
both hitting a Top Flite number 4.
After the arguement continued for 25 minutes and play was held up
considerably, the course marshall came up to the green to get things
moving.
He asked what the problem was and when the Newfies explained that
they both hit the same numbered ball and only one went in the hole,
the marshall said, "I think I can resolve this problem fairly quickly."
Then the marshall asked, "Who is hitting the orange ball?"
A man shows up at a doctor's office carrying his wife in his arms.
"Doctor, doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. I knocked my wife
out with a golf ball."
The doctor examines the woman and informs the golfer that she
is dead. The man is devastated. The doctor also advises him that,
because the circumstances are somewhat unusual, there will have to
be an autopsy. The coroner is called, arrives, conducts the autopsy
and steps out of the examining room to speak to the aggrieved husband.
"Sir," he says, "I'm going to rule your wife's death was accidental,
as you described. Death resulted from a blow to the head with an
object that was, most likely, a golf ball. But, I'm curious about
one thing..."
"What's that," asks the husband?
"There was a golf ball about 4 inches up her rectum!"
"THAT was my Mulligan!"
Three guys worked together for years and always wanted to go golfing
together, but two of the wifes wouldn't let their husbands out. One
week they made up their minds that come hell or high water they would
meet on the golfcourse on Sunday.
Sunday came and they were all there as promised. The first guy said,
"you know that expensive dinner ring I told you my wife wanted, well I
had to buy it so she'd let me out".
The second guy said, "you got off easy, I had to trade in my wife's
old car and get her a new fancy one".
The third guy said, "I think I see what you've been doing wrong all
these years. I got up before daylight this morning, woke up the wife
and told her that I woke up feeling so good this morning that I decided
it was the golf course or intercourse and she gave me this nice sweater
so I wouldn't catch cold.
The English Lord decides to send home his driver and spend a nice
Sunday golfing by himself. At the end of the game he has three golfballs
that he puts in his pocket and goes home with the commuter train. The
balls disturb him and he moves them now and then. A young lady looks
at him and he explains, 'These are only my golfballs'
The lady said ,'Very interesting? I have heard only of tennis elbows?
They really must hurt!'
An elderly couple are sitting at the breakfast table one morning.
He is reading the paper while, she is sipping her tea.
"Do you love me," she asks her beloved of 30 years.
"Yeah I do", he answers.
"That doesn't sound to enthusiastic", she replies.
He puts down the paper and looks at his wife, "yes I do indeed love".
"If I die would you remarry," she asks?
"Well yeah, I wouldn't want to be alone", he says.
The lady is saddened by this thought. "Well would you both be living
in this house?", she asks.
"Yeah, I need a roof over my head", he says.
"Would she wear my clothes?"
"Well if she likes the colors and they fit".
The lady is totally miffed. It seems her husband would forget about
her if she died.
"Well would she use my golf clubs?"
"No..no she wouldn't."
"You mean you and your new wife would live here, sleep in our bed,
she would wear my clothes, but she wouldn't use my golf clubs?
"Thats correct", he says.
"Well why not?"
"She's left handed."
I was talking with a tour caddy the other day and asked him how heavy
his boss' bag is?
He told me, "When he's playing well it's as light as a feather.
When it's a bad round it weighs a ton."
"Dennis, how come you're using two caddies today?"
"Cause my wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my kids."
"How's your golf game these days, Grace?"
"Pretty good. I'm shooting in the low seventies."
"Honestly?"
"What the heck has that got to do with it?"
Two ladies were discussing the one girl's husband. "Lewis has
gotten too fat for the game," she said.
The other remarked, "I agree with you. Why, when he puts the ball
where he can see it, he can't hit it. And when he puts the ball
where he can hit it, he can't see it."
"Reverend Green, I must tell you that I truly admire the way you
refrain from cussin', and swearin' on the golf course."
"Thank you for the kind words," the pastor replied. "But I must
tell you that where I spit, the grass never grows there again."
"Hey, Smith, why don't you help your wife find her ball so we
can play through?"
"She's found her ball. Now she's looking for her club."
"Johnson," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you
didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out fishing."
"That's a rotten lie!" Johnson protested. "And I have the
scorecard to prove it!"
Playing golf on a fancy course, the minister hit his drive into
a pond. He moaned, "And I prayed for a good drive."
His caddy remarked, "I always heard that when you pray, you should
keep your head down."
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching
the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men
how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the
group raised his hand.
"Yes," replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
A guy takes a gorilla golfing. Standing on the tee box, the gorilla
asks, "What am I supposed to do?" (Okay, in this joke the Gorilla can
talk. Sue me.)
"Well," the guy says, "You see that little round green spot about
400 yards from here? You're supposed to hit the ball onto that. You
should be able to do it in two or three strokes..."
So the gorilla hauls off and smacks the crap out of the ball. It
screams off the tee like a rocket, landing on the distant green a few
inches from the cup. The incredulous man plays up to the green in
several strokes.
"What now?" says the Gorilla.
"Well," says the man, eyeing the gorilla's ball. "Now you just hit
it into that cup!"
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me that on the tee box?" the gorilla
asked.
First guy says to his buddy, "I got a beautiful new set of irons
for my wife."
Second guy says, "Excellent trade!"
Two guys were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in
front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on
the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which
is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting, one guy said, "I'm going to walk up
there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned
around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women
is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk
to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there, then
turned around and walked back. Smiling sheepishly, he said, "Small
world."
Favorite real golf quote from Tom Watson, I think...It went like
this:
"Golf is a crazy game. The fun part is hitting the ball, but the
fewer times you have to hit the ball the more fun you have!"
A girl dressed in her wedding gown came running down the fairway
toward the eighth hole. She was waving her arms and screaming,
"Bob, what do you mean by this. We've all been at the church for
hours, waiting for you!"
"Susie," he said, shaking his head, "if I've told you once,
I've told you twenty times...only if it rains, only if it rains!"
Did you know who in 1923 was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most
successful men. At least they found the secret of making money.
Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these
men?
The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died
a pauper.
The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from
prison to die at home.
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf
championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments.
Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.
CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF
A highly competitive foursome was going around the golf course on
a sweltering summer day. One of the group had a sun stroke -- and
the others made him count it.
Henry and Emma Black were up in years, but still played golf, their
favorite game. Naturally, they were deliberate, even slow at moving
along from hole to hole. An impatient man behind them kept needling
them to move faster, ever faster until Henry grew sick and tired of
his remarks.
"Listen, young man," he growled at the impatient fellow behind them.
"I was a golfer, playing regularly before you were born."
"OK, OK," the younger fellow said, "but I'd sure appreciate it if
you'd try to finish before I die."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.
9 Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his
other club away and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the
frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The
frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think
I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back
across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room
in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay
you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves
it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Two male golfers are standing on the 10th tee. Bill takes about
20 practice swings, changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes his
stance just as much.
"Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heaven's sake. We don't
have all day!" says Jim.
"Hold on a minute, I gotta do this right. See the woman standing
up there on the clubhouse porch? That's my wife and I would like to
get off the perfect shot," replied Bill.
Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bill's wife. You must
be kidding. You couldn't hit her from here.
A golfer comes into the club house after a bad round. The pro says,
"It looks like it was a pretty rough day."
The golfer replays, "You bet it was. The best two balls I hit all
day was when I was coming out of the sand trap and stepped on the
rake!!"
The president of the club was taking a new member on a tour of the
grounds and the golf course.
"There goes Father Flynn," the president said. "He's one of our
finest players."
"Really," said the new member. "Isn't it a bit unusual for a priest
to be that good as a golfer?"
"No, not at all," said the president. "If you think about it, it
makes perfect sense. Who else would have that much practice keeping
his head down."
A golfer's sitting in a bar drinking, when a drunk sat down next to
him and, indicating the tee behind the golfer's ear, asked him what it
was. The golfer explained that it's used to hold your balls when you
drive.
The drunk replied, "Damn! What'll General Motors think of next?"
Why do all the women love Greg Norman?
Cause he stays on top for 3 days, and comes second!
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
Golfers replace their divots!
Why is golf called golf?
Because "FFFFFFFFFUCK!" was already taken.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.
Why are golfers such lousy lovers?
They can't get used to the idea that the hole is in the middle of
the rough.
Or...
Too many short putts.
Did you hear about the near-sighted golfer???
He drove his caddies nuts!
Why are golfers such lousy lays?
A few strokes and they're off to the next hole.
What's the best way for a golfer to hit his balls squarely?
By stepping on a rake.
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a
business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found
that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk
where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how
to get there. While playing on the front nine, he was going over
the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on
the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He
walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech
he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course,
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me,
so you must be on the 6th hole".
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again
with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must
be on the 13th".
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his
round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at
the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The
bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady,
well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh".
"No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she
sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampex".
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost
his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh".
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you"!
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few
hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played
very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just
as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee
and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing
alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man
finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right
over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your
age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decided to have
a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot.
Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight
for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard.
Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where
the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land,
only a foot away from the hole.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good
shot. Now let me see what I can do."
Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming towards
the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The
ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand
and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of
the water and rolls onto dry land only 3 inches from the hole.
Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"
No sooner did Moses say this, than the skies grew dark. The wind
started up, lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly
a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus
and Moses had hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An
eagle swoops down, grabsthe fish in his talons, and heads for the now
darkened sky.
Lightning strikes the eagle and he drops the fish onto the green.
The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out and drops into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your Dad plays!!"
I was playing golf the other day and having a real bad day. Bogeys
here, bogeys there, bogeys everywhere. Finally got up to the 18th hole
and said thank fuck last hole.
I hit a three wood right smack dab into the middle of a patch of
buttercups that were situated nicely in front of a tree. God damn it!
I walked down the fairway just fuming muttering obscenities, kicking
at the grass, pebbles you name it. I'm sure everybody thought I was wacko!
I Got up to where my ball was and got out my sand wedge and was just
about to hit the ball when I heard this sweet ladies voice say "Please
don't hurt my buttercups".
I did a double take. WOW there's this gorgeous lady standing there.
I said, "who are you".
"Why I'm Mother Nature" the goddess said, "If you don't hurt my
buttercups I'll give you all the butter you can eat for the rest of
your life!".
I said "Hmmph, WHERE WERE YOU THREE HOLES BACK WHEN I WAS IN THE
PUSSYWILLOWS"!!
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