A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his
home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I
went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
Two servicemen in Africa are bragging about who is the better
lion hunter. They bet a pint of beer on who will be the first to
bag his game. The first man sets out on foot while the second
sneaks off to the nearby air base where he borrows a fighter
plane. The man in the plane soon sights a lion and shoots it.
Later, as he displays his prize, the winner points out to his
friend that a strafed lion is the shortest distance between
two pints.
One day, three people went out hunting in the forest but
couldn't find any deer. They asked the forest ranger if they
could have some help so he directed them to an old Native
American who knew all the parts of the forest.
By that time it was too late to go hunting so they told the
ranger they'd come back tomorrow.
The next day they meet with the Native American man and he
takes them through a long trek through the forest. After a
few hours, the three hunters become restless and bored just
walking around so one of them finally blurts out "Jeez, isn't
there any better way to find deer than just walking around?"
The man just looks at them and puts his finger to his lips.
They quietly watch him as he puts his ear to the ground.
After about five minutes with his ear on the ground he gets
up and says "Deer come..."
They become all excited knowing that deer is on the way
and one of them asks, "Wow! How do you know?"
To which he replies, "Ear sticky."
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members
were being introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep
in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and
can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a
hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three
days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so
tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I
laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell
asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was
awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my
gun when the biggest lion I ever saw jumped out of the
bushes at me like this...ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
I tell you, I just pooped my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said,
"I don't blame you, I would have pooped my pants too if a
lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then,
just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!'"
For those of us in the US, it's time to start planning our
summer vacations. Although you can't shoot them any more,
you can still get a thrill by photographing animals in the
wild. The last time I was in Africa though, I got a double
hernia from carrying around the stupid rhino decoys.
For centuries, the English have had a love affair with all
types of hunting. Early one morning, a fellow was blasting
away at a clump of brush on a grouse hunt.
Suddenly an outraged gentleman appeared and said, "See here
old man, you almost shot my wife with that volley."
The hunter, properly shamed replied, "So sorry old chap.
Here, have a go at mine, over there."
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist
sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the
negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the
positive.
Let me illustrate what I mean...
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he
was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his,
a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him
and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.
They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped
into the water. The dog, however, did not sink, but
instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home, the hunter asked his friend, "Did you
notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high
cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling
every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."
Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."
My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple
of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. (Uncle Joe swears it had
nothing to do with the large quantities of alcohol consumed...)
Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though.
"Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three
times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."
They shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a
while, they tried it again. Still no response. When they
decided to try once more, Bubba said, "It better work this time.
We're down to our last three arrows."
The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone
about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot
and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its
feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell
them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a
heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was
willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet
was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first
animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok."
Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a
.22 rifle."
The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and
the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to
suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared
to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought
before against them buying another round for him.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and
they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk
of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said,
"Kalahari Lion," and fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the
rifle was a .308" and he was right again.
This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had
to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a
round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went
to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had
one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen I know
I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did
not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course!"
"But what did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside
my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a
loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an ax!"
Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to
their pickup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his
along too.
"Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how
to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier
if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers
won't dig into the ground."
After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to
give it a try. A little while later one says to the other,
"Ya know, that guy was right. This *is* a lot easier!"
"Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away
from the truck..."
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer
why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking,
when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der
ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what
I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
After a fatal hunting accident, the police are questioning
the surviving hunter. "How did this happen"?
"Well", said the hunter. "I woke up in the morning and I
heard some rustling outside my tent. I peeked out and saw
this deer making coffee, so I shot him".
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very
authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of
a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the
bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned
their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing
out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was
close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and
get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the
back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling
grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter took his son to Idaho to do
a little shooting. But all of the good fields were posted
"No Trespassing."
Being a good law abiding pheasant hunter (as surely all
Utah pheasant hunters are) the man left his son by their
car and went to the farm house to ask the farmer if they
might hunt in his fields.
He assured the farmer that no damage would be done to
his fields or fences, and the farmer said that he would
allow the hunting in his fields, if the hunter would do
him a favor.
"You see that old horse over there by your car?. Well,
he's old, and he's got miseries. But he's sort of a
family pet, and I can't bring myself to shoot him. Will
you shoot him for me?"
The hunter agreed, and as he was walking back to his
car, he decided to play a joke on his son. As he approached
the car his son asked, "Well, can we hunt the fields?"
The man pretended to be angry, responded "You know these
farmers, they won't let anybody hunt here. It makes me so
mad, I could...I could...", and the man picked up his gun
and shot the farmers horse.
But to his surprise, he heard additional gunshots behind
him. He turned around and his son said, "You got his horse.
I got his dog and cow. Now, let's get out of here!"
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did
you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you
see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that
hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says,
"Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says, "Then why did you step in it?"
When it's time to go out hunting a deer,
Grab your pickup and load it with beer.
Deer don't carry a gun
So you can have all that fun,
When you blast Bambi without any fear!
"We pass this way but once," we have heard it said.
But my wife has learned that, unless I've studied a
map, that isn't necessarily true.
So I understand the fix a local hunting guide got
himself into. His party became hopelessly lost in the
mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray.
"You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!"
they asserted.
"I am," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting.
The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any
farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed
to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything
about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran
to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk
like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"
You ever hunt caribou? There's nothing like it; it's just you and
the wild beast... and a semi-automatic Glock 9 with a laser sight...
It's a real chess match."
"Are those deer antlers?"
"Stag, actually. Bagged it myself...Over 1,200 pounds."
"What'd you use?"
"Chrysler LeBaron."
Timetable for Hunting
1:00 AM - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM - Hunting partners arrive and drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 AM - Drive back home to get gun.
3:30 AM - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM - Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent.
4:30 AM - Head for the woods.
6:00 AM - See eight deer.
6:01 AM - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:02 AM - CLICK.
6:03 AM - Load gun while watching deer run over hill.
8:00 AM - No sign of deer. Head back to camp.
9:00 AM - Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM - Realise you have no idea where camp is.
11:00 AM - Eat wild berries.
NOON - Fire gun for help.
12:15 PM - Run out of bullets just as the eight deer come back.
12:20 PM - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 PM - Realise you ate poison berries.
12:45 PM - Rescued.
12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 PM - Arrive back at camp.
3:15 PM - Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM - Load gun and leave camp again.
5:00 PM - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you.
6:00 PM - Return to camp and see the eight deer grazing there.
6:01 PM - Load gun.
6:02 PM - Fire gun.
6:03 PM - One dead pickup.
6:05 PM - Hunting partners arrive in camp, each dragging a deer.
6:06 PM - Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM - Argue with and shove hunting partners.
6:08 PM - Hunting partners shove you into fire.
6:15 PM - Change clothes. Throw burned ones into fire.
6:20 PM - Take pickup, deserting hunting partners and their deer.
6:30 PM - Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:31 PM - Cuss head off and start walking.
6:40 PM - Stumble and drop gun in mud.
6:50 PM - Meet angry bear.
6:51 PM - Take aim and fire gun, blowing up barrel plugged with mud.
6:52 PM - Run like hell. So does bear.
6:53 PM - Mess pants.
6:55 PM - Climb tree.
10:00 PM - Bear leaves. Wrap @%&*!! gun around tree.
2:00 AM - Home at last.
SUNDAY - Watch football game, slowly tearing hunting license into
little pieces. Place in envelope and mail to Game Department with
detailed instructions on where to place it.
MONDAY - Join gun control group.
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to
shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as
fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge
of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing
in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his
arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some
RELIGION!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a
few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and
glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you,
God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other
went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it
but only wounded it.
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and
started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast
but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every
step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling
into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend
inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the
day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.
"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.
"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered.
"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"
"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is
going to steal Harry."
There was a northener who had never been deer hunting, so he goes
down south to find someone who can help find some deer for him to kill.
Well he finds this man, but the man said, "You have to do what ever
I tell you to do."
The northener replies "O.K."
He tells the northener to stay by the tree until he finds some deer
for you. A couple of hours later the man heard some gun shots, so he
goes back to the tree and sees two squirrels laying on the ground.
The man asked, "Why did you shoot them?
The northener replied,"well when they went up my pant leg and I over
heard them say lets eat one here and take the other back home thats all
I could stand."
Two guys are in their boat, on their big weekend duck hunting. There
are plenty of ducks around, so they're all excited about getting nice,
big ducks for their dinner tables. Several hours pass without bagging
a single one!
Finally, one of these hapless hunters says to the other, "I can't
figure it out, we've been here this long without getting any ducks!"
The other hunter replies, "I think I know what's wrong."
The first hunter asks, "Well, what are we doing wrong here?"
The second hunter answers, "You know, I think you're just not throwing
that dog high enough!"
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided
to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge
and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect
your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took
one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it
out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington State duck. Do you
have a Washington State hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a
Washington state hunting license.
The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you
have an Idaho State hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho State hunting license.
The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said,
"This here's an Oregon State duck. Do you have an Oregon State hunting
license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the
appropriate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back
to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart,
YOU tell ME!"
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment
later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots
at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat
out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll
[insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here]."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You
know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
A friend and I went to our favorite deer hunting spot. Upon our
arrival we chose to split up and each go our own way thinking the
chances of getting our game would be better if we were alone. I
hunted for almost two hours without seeing any deer. All of a sudden
I saw the bushes move. Taking aim, I fired into the bush. I ran up
to the bush and there I found my friend, shot. I worked two hours
getting him to the pickup and to the hospital.
I waited outside the E.R. room for a long period of time with no one
telling anything about my friend. When the Doctor did come I asked him
how my friend was and he replyed" he would have been ok if you hadn't
gutted him.
Q. Why do hunters make better lovers?
A. 1. They dig deep in the bushes
2. They always shoot twice
3. They always eat what they shoot
A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again
that. "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot
it also and that since they killed it, it's their deer!"
So, he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife
shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her
gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming...
"It's your deer lady, It's your deer. Just lemme get my saddle off it!"
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