TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of
"Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department,
unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem,
however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code
list based on our observations of employee activities. The
list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what
you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin
using this job code list immediately and let us know about any
difficulties you encounter.
Thank you.
The Management
Attached: Extended Job Code List
Code Number Explanation
---------- -----------
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While
Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not
Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bitching About Lousy Job
5601 Bitching About Low Pay
5602 Bitching About Long Hours
5603 Bitching About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Bitching About Boss
5605 Bitching About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company
Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal
Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal
Calls in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality
They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Gal
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code
#6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
From: ts (Terry Hill, Office Manager)
To: mikf
Subj: About those job numbers...
Mike, just look at Peter's timesheet for this week.
Day Job description Job number Hours
--- --- ----------- --- ------ -----
MON Feeling horny 5511 2.5
Bitching about this job 5600 1.5
Calling up girlfriend on
company phone 6203 1
Pretending to work while Terry
is watching 6221 1
Break 5310 1
Waiting for bell to sound
so I can leave 5321 1
TUE Feeling horny 5511 2
Bitching about low pay 5601 1.5
Making passes at Kathy 6213 1
Printing copies of "Kama Sutra"
on company laser printer 6200 2.5
Break 5310 1
WED Sleeping 5504 1.5
Feeling horny 5511 .5
Break 5310 1
Pretending to work while Terry
is watching 6221 2.5
Sending copies of "Kama Sutra" to
friends in Hawaii using company
fax 6200 2
Joint in men's room 8000 .5
THU Making passes at Kathy 6213 3.5
Bitching about this job 5600 1
Feeling horny 5511 2
Break 5310 1
Waiting for bell so I can leave 5321 .5
FRI Finding lookout to make sure
nobody enters broom closet 7931 .5
Having sex with Kathy in broom
closet 5909 1
Bitching about this dead-end job 5600 .5
Feeling horny 5511 1
Getting Eric to turn in my
timesheet so I can leave early 7931 .5
Miscellaneous unproductive time 5309 4.5
---
Your policy needs to be revised ASAP.
-Terry
From: mikf (Michael Farrell, Personnel Director)
To: th
Subj: Re: About those job numbers...
Terry,
I looked at the timesheet and you are absolutely right. I can't
believe what a mistake I made.
Obviously, Peter left early on Friday, but due to my oversight,
was forced to put code 5309 down. This is a serious inaccuracy.
I've added a couple of job numbers which will fix this problem and
future problems:
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
Distribute these numbers as before, and this won't happen again.
Thank you for promptly discovering and pointing out this error,
Michael
From: th (Terry Hill, Office Manager)
To: mikf
Subj: Re: About those job numbers...
Michael,
I think you missed the point of my letter. The point was
that what Peter was doing on company time is unacceptable.
However, because of your new system, he was able to put down
officially approved numbers for all of his activities. I'd
never be able to fire him, because in case of a lawsuit, our
policy would be publicized, and we'd become the laughingstock
of the industry.
A copy of this letter and Peter's timesheet is being sent to
the president. Please work with him to resolve this issue.
-Terry
From: gary (Gary Lorenz, President)
To: th mikf
Subj: peter's timesheet.
mike and terry, i'm disappointed that you couldn't work out
a solution without appealing to higher authority.
i have promoted peter to office manager in another department.
mike, you will need to add the following numbers:
8100 - Bragging to Girlfriend About Promotion
8101 - Using Position of Authority and Power to Score with Office Babes
i think this is a situation where we all win. terry doesn't have an
employee that he is unhappy with anymore, mike doesn't need to abandon
his new job numbers which he has obviously put a lot of work into, and
peter gets a better job and the official "okay" to enjoy the fruits of
his labor.
|