Flatulence Jokes

Fart Jokes

  


  An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to 
fart.  She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with 
her deodoriser.
  Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. 
He began to sniff.
  The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
  "Why, yes, I do," he replied.
  "What does it smell like?"
  "Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit 
in a pine tree."



  Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. 
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
  Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, 
I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"
  The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it 
snoring!"



  A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling
like expensive perfume.
  She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her
and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
  Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and
also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to 
the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
  About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached
her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before 
she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, 
bends over, and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."



Miss Manners Farting Etiquette
------------------------------   

One may not fart in a church, or during any religious service 
or ceremonial proceedings.

One may not fart in a sickroom unless the patient is farting or 
unless he specifically says that his visitor is welcome to fart.

Good taste still forbids farting by a woman on a city street.

It is safe to say that, no one should think of farting or lighting 
a fart when dancing.

Farting is forbidden on local busses and on some coaches on the 
railroad. These cars are clearly marked "No Farting."

Farting is permitted in the mezzanine or balcony seats in some 
movie houses, but never in the main orchestra.

Farting is forbidden in most museums, although some have designated 
areas where it is allowed.

Legitimate theaters do not allow farting in the theater proper.  
It is usually allowed in the outer lobby, and those who wish to 
fart during the intermission go there to do so.  It is perfectly 
correct for a man who wishes to fart to leave a lady who doesn't, 
but he should hurry back, and not leave her too frequently.

In private situations when there may be some objection, before 
lighting your fart, always ask, "Do you mind if I fart?"  
If there is any hesitation in the reply, do your best to refrain 
from farting until you leave.

A man should light a woman's fart if he is close to her, but not 
if he is on the other side of the table or if it would be awkward 
in any way.

Fart is an acceptable verb and noun.

It is generally appropriate to fart in the presence of one's 
friends or immediate family, so long as there is adequate 
ventilation.

When in the company of those other than close friends or family, 
simply move to an open, ventilated part of the room, fart, and 
say, "Excuse me" or, if you prefer, "Canadian Geese."

It is often unnecessary to comment on the volume, timber, pitch, 
or olfactory strength of your fart unless someone else comments 
first.

There is little to be said for the rascal who farts in close 
proximity to an infant emerging from the womb or a person on 
his deathbed.

It is seldom necessary to fart into the telephone.




THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FARTS
   (BUT WERE TO EMBARRASSED TO ASK)

1. The formal word for farts is "flatulate."  While the word fart
   can serve as a noun or a verb, flatulate is a verb only.

2. Farts are a concoction of air, methane gas and other gases.   
   Because methane is odorless, it is these other gases that 
   provide aroma.

3. The unpleasant odor associated with flatulence comes from foods 
   containing chemicals such as sulfur.  Some of the more notorious 
   suspects would include eggs, beans, cabbage, cheese and beer.

4. Men average approximately 13.63 expulsions of gas per day. 
   Women (supposedly) average 3.28.

5. The legendary "Blue Flame":  12% of men admit to having ignited 
   their own farts.

6. "Passing" the buck:  52% of men and women admit to having blamed 
    others for their own flatulence, suggesting that what may be one
   of humankind's oldest lies is also one of its most widespread.

7. When posed the question, "How long do you have to be 'going out' 
   with someone before you'll fart in their presence?" the average 
   of responses came out to 92.77 days -- 62.98 for men and 149.82 
   for women.

8. Etiquette tip:  If you clench your sphincter while passing gas, 
   tremendous noise will be generated.  Relaxing this muscle will 
   result in a smooth, silent release.

9. Common terms for flatulation:  poot, blow, cut the cheese, 
   rip/cut one, float an air biscuit, blast, break wind
   and lift a leg.

10. Some not-so-common terms for flatulation:  crepitate, eructate, 
    kwatz, carpet creeper, spider bark.

11. The fatbutted person can always be relied on to produce truly  
    earth-shattering, window pane shattering decibal readings...
    Skinny butts tend be only sad, starved, little 'poots'.
    A well-toned, athletic butt however can release super-sonic,
    dog-startling eruptions. 




Q.> What's the difference between humour and a fart?
A.> Humour is a shift of wit.



  A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a 
fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.
  A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the 
counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"
  "Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about 
this one?" she answers.
  The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and 
can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll 
drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can 
tell from the sound it makes." 
  The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops 
it on the counter.
  He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium 
action - $15."
  Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.
  "Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used 
with ultralight tackle - $20."
  Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.
  As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather 
large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize 
as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.
  Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
  "TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"
  "That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, 
and $2 for the fish bait."



  A guy propositions a prostitute and asks for 'One of 
those 69 things that folks are always telling me about.'
She tells him what to do and they get started. After 
a few seconds though she accidentaly breaks wind. He's 
enjoying it though, so he carries on. After another 
minute she breaks wind again. The guy gets up and starts 
to get dressed. 
 'What are you doing?' asked the whore.
 'I'm leaving. No way am I hanging around 
for another 67 of those!'



  Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible 
passion for baked beans.  He loved them, but they always 
had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
  One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became 
apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 
she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying 
on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up 
beans.
  Shortly after that they were married.
  A few months later, on the way home from work, his car 
broke down and since they lived in the country, he called 
his wife and told her that he would be late because he had 
to walk.
   On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful 
aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had 
several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill 
affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and 
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.  
  All the way home he putt-putted.  By the time he arrived 
home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door 
and seemed somewhat excited.
  She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise 
for you for dinner tonight!"
  She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the 
head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this 
point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.  Just as
his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.  
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and 
away she went to answer the phone.
  While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.  He shifted 
his weight to one leg and let go.  It was not only loud, but 
ripe as a rotten egg.  He had a hard time breathing, so he felt 
for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started 
to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 
RRIIIPPPP !!!  It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and 
smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms 
a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.  He got another urge. 
This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes 
on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table 
were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in 
the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he 
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and 
fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone 
farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his 
hands on top of it.  Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of
innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so 
long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.  After 
assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and 
yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
vvTo his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated 
around the table for his surprise birthday party.



                         FART CALENDAR 
 
Your destiny lies in the stars.  Likewise, your characteristics are 
also in your farts.   Check the day of the month on which you were 
born from this list and see what kind of a fart you are. 
 
1.      AMBITIOUS -  Always ready for a fart 
2.      LAZY - Just fizzles 
3.      AMIABLE - Likes to smell others' farts 
4.      SELFISH - Only enjoys smelling their own farts 
5.      CARELESS - Farts in church 
6.      SMART ALEC - Farts in the presence of others
                     just for laughs 
7.      CLEVER - Coughs and farts at the same time 
8.      SCIENTIFIC - Bottles their farts 
9.      STINGY - Belches instead of farts -- to save 
                 their ass-hole 
10.     TIMID - Jump when they fart 
11.     SHY - Blushes as they farts silently 
12.     CONCEITED - Thinks they can fart the loudest  
                    and tries to every time.
13.     UNLUCKY - Tries to fart, can't, shits instead 
14.     FOOLISH - Farts and giggles 
15.     BEWILDERED - Can't tell their own farts from others 
16.     SLOVENLY - Farts and fizzles -- rots their pants 
17.     NERVOUS - Stops in the middle of a fart 
18.     MISERABLE - Can't fart at all 
19.     CONFUSED - Face so much like an ass, fart can't 
                   tell where to go! 
20.     GROUCH - Grumbles when others fart 
21.     SNEAKY - Farts and blames it on the dog 
22.     DISAPPOINTED - One whose farts don't smell 
23.     FRESH GUY - Jumps in front of you to fart 
24.     BULLY - Farts louder than anyone else 
25.     DELUDED - Enjoys other farts, thinking they 
                  are their own 
26.     CUTE - Discovers from farts what was eaten 
27      WISE - Farts and asks, "Who in the hell shit?" 
28.     DAMNED MEAN - Farts in bed -- pulls sheet over 
                      spouses head 
29.     MUSICAL - Tenor or bass -- clear as a bell -- 
                  smells like shit  -- sounds like hell 
30.     DISHONEST - Accuses somebody else of farting
31.     LIVELY - Jumps in the air, farts three times, 
                 and clicks their heels simultaneously 



  A working-class man who has been going steady with his upper
class girlfriend for about a month is asked to have dinner with 
the girlfriends parents. They live in this huge mansion house 
in the country with servents and butlers etc, and everything is 
very very posh. Before dinner, he and his girlfriends parents 
are sitting in the drawing room, indulging in a bit of idle light
hearted hat before dinner, and everyone is laughing at his jokes 
and he is rather pleased with himself.
  So, the time comes for dinner, and they are all sitting around 
this huge dinner table enjoying a 9-course banquet. But about 
two-thirds through the meal the guy has *really* got to fart. 
He asks to be excused to go to the bathroom, and asks for 
instructions on how to get there, and they give him a load of 
directions, and by the time he has spent around 5 minutes walking 
around corridors he is busting for a fart. He spots a window in 
the hallway he is in, and a split second thought crosses his mind. 
He runs over to the window, opens it, pokes his butt through the 
hole and lets out a massive earth rumbling wiffy fart. He closes 
the window and makes his way back to the dinner table rather 
pleased with his little idea (not to mention his farting prowess). 
  When he returns, the three others are eating in silence. He 
slips into his seat opposite his girlfriend, leans over and says
 "This is all going rather well, isn't it?"
  Turning to him with a stern face his girlfriend uttered, 
"Everything _was_ going fine, until you farted through the 
serving hatch".



  This guy finally gets a date with the girl of his dreams.  She 
tells him that before they can go out, he has to come over and 
have dinner with her family.  Well the guy isn't too fond of the 
idea but the woman is too gorgeous to refuse.
  The rest of the day the guy worries and frets. He gets so 
worried that he starts to build up a lot of gas. But he makes 
it to her house and is invited inside.  The dinner was great and 
afterwards the young woman's father starts to read the paper.  
The guy's gas has built to a level that his bowels cannot contain 
anymore so he decides to let a little fart go.
  Phht..... 
  The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says, "Spot..."
  The guy looks around confused by this comment and spies a old 
sheepdog behind his chair. Great the old man must think the dog is 
doing it!!  So he decides to let a bigger fart go.
  PhhhhTTTTT....
  The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his paper. 
"SPOT!" he says in an annoyed tone.
  The guy feels much better and decides to let one more fart go 
to relieve all the gas.
  PPPPHHHHTTTTPOW!!!!
  The father rips his glasses off and throws the paper to the floor.  
"SPOT YOU DEAF BAG OF FUR... GET AWAY FROM HIM BEFORE HE SHITS ALL 
OVER YOU!"



  A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the 
morning.  His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into 
bed.  He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. 
  His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
  He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
  She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one 
loose.
  He yells at her, "What was that?"
  She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
  Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her."  He's laying there for 
about 10 minutes trying to work one up.  He tries so hard he 
shits in bed.
  The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
  He replied, "Half time, switch sides." 



Driving down the highway, doing 94 
grandma laid another one, blew me out the door. 
The engine couldn't take it and the motor fell apart 
all because my grandma had to rip a giant fart... 
Fe Fi Fo Fum grandma laid another one 
Fe Fi Fo Fum bigger than the other one. 



What's the first rule of scuba diving?
Don't fart in your wet suit.



How can you tell if you cut a really potent fart while in 
 the grocery store?
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.



Q. Whats invisible and smells like dog food???
A. old people farts



What would you call a fart coming from a cadaver?
A stiff wind.



What is the cheapest way to entertain?
Serve bean dip at a hot tub party.



  A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly 
loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, 
but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to 
the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. 
They throw out a pistol.
  "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot.
  So they throw out a rifle.
  "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot 
regains control. 
  He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get 
into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side 
of the road who's crying.  They ask him why he's crying and he says
  "A pistol hit me on the head!"
  They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. 
  Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" 
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk 
who's laughing hysterically.
  They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?"
  The boy replies, "I farted and a house blew up!"



I sit so quietly in class
Until I feel this pain of gas
Which stabs intestines large and small;
I hope there is an empty stall!
Or I could be in bed at nine
And dreaming of a girl so fine,
Then I awake; a siren wails
From in my gut and my entrails.
In either case, I must agree
I always have to poop and pee.
But why?  For now, I'll contemplate
And urinate and defecate.
If I can just ignore the smell,
I'11 try my best to do them well.
Now to avoid those accidents,
Pull down your pants, you gals and gents,
Unsnap the top, unzip the fly,
And let them fall down past your thigh,
And plant your butt cheeks on the seat,
And . .OH MY WORD! My heart is weak.
This seat's an iceberg, minus ten!
As cold as liquid nitrogen!
This morning cold is just the worst.
At least I get to use it first!
Hey, read this writing on the wall
This guy's a homosexual
Who's asking others for some sex
I'11 write the number of my ex!
And now here comes the easy part:
You must fire off a warning fart
To let them know the bombs will fall!
Forget about the other stall;
Let Nature do the rest--sit back!
Let the waste fall out your crack!
It's fecal matter; Hey, good-bye,
Exit out my bottom eye;
But since I'm here, I might as well
Excrete my urine, what the hell!
It takes one minute for a piss,
But just be sure that you don't miss
Don't hit the walls or hit the doors
The janitors hate yellow floors.
Now get your strength back; you'll be strong
When all that stress and strain is gone
You'll have to wipe your fundament
And clean the excess excrement
Just use that roll of little towels
Protects your hands and cleans your bowels....
Unless the stuff's just too damn soft,
And rips so easily enough
That fingers go right straight on through,
Then my poor hand gets smeared with doo!
I want some stuff that's strong and fair,
That lets me know that it was there
A couple hours after use,
So nothing gets left hanging loose.
Yes, toilet paper--that's the stuff!
And I sure hope I have enough!
For one wipe, two wipes, three wipes, four,
And five wipes, six wipes, seven, more.
Now push the handle; it goes down
Into the sewer underground,
To give the sewer rats a treat.
It's good enough for them to eat!
Or it will help the grass to rise.
But now it's time to zip my flies
Do up my pants, connect my belt
I must admit, I haven't felt
So good as this time yesterday.
I also did the 'bombs away!'
Now some clean people wash their hands,
But me?  Hell no!  I'll take the chance.
I must rush off to get some lunch
Some finger food that I can munch.
Oh crap!  My ode is almost done!
The time sure flies when you have fun!
I hope you loved my words so true
About a thing we all must do.
And if you feel embitterment,
Just leave the room and take your SH*T!



  There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while 
they were at their local bar, they got to talking about 
how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were.
  They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the 
coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the 
coldest igloo.
   They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said
"Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, 
the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.
  "Not bad", said the  other Eskimos, but each maintained 
their igloo was colder still. 
  So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said 
"Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon 
his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
  "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. 
  But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So 
they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo.
  He said "Watch this!"  and went into the bedroom, threw 
back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small 
balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and 
held a match under it. 
  When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".  




A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota 
motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important 
deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible 
impression.  On the morning of the presentation he awoke to 
find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant 
characteristic of sounding like "HONDA."  The man was besides 
himself.  Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....
  Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need 
to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he 
sought a doctor's aid. After a full examination, the doctor told 
him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he 
would just have to wait it out. 
  Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a 
second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same 
thing.  Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.  
Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be 
of any help, he visited one anyway.
  Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem"
  "What is it?" the man asked.
  "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.
  "An abscess.  How could that be causing my problem?" asked 
the man.
  "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows...  
Abscess makes the fart go Honda."




  An Indian chief has stomach pains because he can't pass any gas.
His squaw goes to see a doctor and says, "Big chief no fart."
  The doctor gives her a bottle of pills and says, "Here, give him 
three of these pills."
  The next day she's back again, and she says, "Big chief no fart."
  The doctor says, "Give him six of those pills."
  The next day she's back again, and she says, "Big chief no fart."
  The doctor says, "What the hell, give him the whole damn bottle."
  The next day she comes back. She says, "Big fart. No chief."




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